Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!

The Coolest People Ever

rai, this one's for you.

The coolest people in the world, ever, of all time. That's a huge honor to have and those who get to have it are a blessed people who wear this badge with pride. Who are these people, you ask? Or perhaps you're thinking, "Hey! I'm cool too!" You know what? You may be right! Then again, you may be wrong too. Oooo, but should we find out? Lets!

The coolest people in the world, ever, of all time, times infinity, plus 4.. are.. Jeep owners. That's right, Jeep owners. You might be thinking, hey! I am cool, but I am not a jeep owner! This may be very true, you may be cool without being a jeep owner.. but it is fundamentally wrong to ever consider yourself one of the elite coolest people of all time ever in the history of the world times infinity plus four without currently owning a jeep. Now, lets be a bit more specific.. I'm not talking about about owning a grand cherokee or a commander or a liberty or patriot. I'm talking about a real jeep. A CJ, YJ, TJ, or JK. Those other jeep brands are definitely cool, but just not as cool. Now lets get down to the facts.

I of course, as you may have already known, or if didn't already know- have probably guessed by now.. am a Jeep owner. That's one hellova pat on the back for me, for it marks me as one of the lucky ones. I am your typical Jeep owner, I swear by them, I love them, I hate them. I use it as a daily commuter, I use it as a toy. I've put more blood, sweat, and tears into a jeep than anyone should ever have to do.. and yet, ever Jeep owner knows exactly what I mean. My current jeep is a TJ, but this is in fact, my third jeep I'm now driving. This means I'm also experienced. I also spent a good 9 years as NOT being a Jeep owner. This gives me the view point from the other side of the fence. You know the saying, the grass is always greener? Well for Jeep owners, the grass is greener, bitches. Now let's discuss why.

History

Jeeps were created for one thing and one thing only. Killin Nazis. That pretty much means they are like GIJoe, Transformers, and He-Man all in one sweet as vehicle. Seriously, they were made for WW2, and doing everything a person can do with a vehicle. And if you can do one great thing with any car, its kill a Nazi.

Styling

Jeeps have a very distinct styling. That style can only be described as "Fuckin awesome" or "A Jeep" Let's fuck around with some pictures and take a look at the styling!

The original. Isn't she beautiful? She's army green, shes got army stars, and she can kick your skinny little ass! This is the original go anywhere do anything vehicle. This is the CJ3, and if you look at this picture and you start to feel twitterpated, you know that maybe, just maybe, you should own a jeep.

Ahh look at this darling. She's a CJ5, the next gen after the CJ3. This is what I had for Jeeps #1 and 2 for me. They've got a wicked short wheel base and super fast turning. They climb, the roll, they rule the offroading world! Now, you may be starting to drool. This is a good thing, it means you've some life in you afterall.

During the reign of the 5, the 7 was introduced. The government really pushed this beauty because she was a bit longer wheel base and thus, a bit safer! But still you can see, these sisters were very similar looking, and if you love the 5, you love the 7 too. Look at these designs, we started off in the 40's, we've now covered all the way into the 1980's and these dolls are still so similar looking, its magic.

Welcome to the early 90's and the birth of the YJ! This pretty girl had a style change, and that was to square headlights! You may think, WHAT THE FUCK! But it's still rad and makes her a bit different. Shes still a jeep though, and she's still one gorgeous betty. Seriously, get a napkin, the drooling is a bit out of control. rai has a YJ. She's hot.

The birth of the TJ brought new innovention, a comfier interior and it took us right into the 2000's. This girl also saw the return of the trademark round headlights. Shes a pinup of epic preportions and shes also one loveable go anywhere do anything girl. If you're a guy, you know you love girls who will go anywhere and do anything. Don't deny it.

Finally we've reached modern day and the JK! This girl is just as able as every other jeep before her, and not only that but she's styled pretty much the same, which again, that makes her hot. She can skill rock the offroads, but is even more comfortable on the highway. Now that your eyes are bulging out of your head with a view of nearly 60 years of history with little or no styling changes, lets move on!

The Brotherhood of the Jeep

Being a Jeep owner is like belonging to a secret club that no one else is invited to. Countless times driving I find myself being waved to by a total stranger who, like me, is in a jeep. Its a brotherhood. When you park alone in a parkinglot, and another jeep pulls in, they will likely park next to you. Why? Because Jeeps stick together. Also, they probably want to look at your jeep too. From stock to yoked, every jeep owner loves jeeps. When I did some christmas shopping, I found myself parking next to a jeep at best buy. As I was getting out, he walked up to his jeep. We are complete strangers and then we sat there and talked about how rad jeeps are for a good 30 minutes. That doesn't just happen, chuckles. Not with any other kind of car. Think about it this way. You own a Kia. How many people do you know that own Kia's say: "I FUCKING LOVE THIS KIA!!!!" -- thats right, zero. Now, how many people do you *know* have a kia? Do you sit around and talk about your Kia's? Of course not, even if you had a friend who would admit to having a Kia, they'd never sit around and bullshit about it. Now you want the comparison. How many jeep owners do I know? Well.. the answer is.. 6. Beat that, bitch. And yes, we do sit around and discuss the awesomeness of Jeeps. We also go out and dominate the offroad with our Jeeps, and commend each other on our jeeps awesomeness. rai's YJ is 17 yrs old. When he went to buy the tags, someone with a massively yoked YJ parked next to him. When he came out, he admired the fellows jeep, and the fellow ran up and introduced himself. He knew rai was buying his tags, so he saw him as a brand new jeep owner, and wanted to welcome him to the brotherhood. That shit just doesn't happen with any other car culture.

The Dirt Factor

Cars are funny. You get them, you keep them shiney and pretty and you admire the way the sparkle in the sun. Jeep owners do this as well. Observe rai's prettiness and how proud he was of the prettiness.. so proud he posted it on facebook, sent me a text AND a fucking email. That's loving your vehicle's prettiness.

Now this is one fuckin pretty jeep! Nice job, with the photo op! Look at the flashes on the hood and wheels, mmmm, you're very turned on now. You definitely want one, I can tell. Heres the really cool thing about jeeps. Unlike your pretty SUV, Kia, or Camry, they don't ahve to be sparkley clean to be pretty. Jeeps also look fantasical when they're dirty as fuck. Which of course, I had to remind rai of when he sent me this picture.

You see? Now you understand that not only are they fuckin hot when they're clean, but they're fuckin hot when they're muddy as hell. This makes them the perfect vehicle for anyone. I can see you're turned on now, but the shows not over yet. Hold on tight, we've got some more to cover!

Weather

It seems everytime the snow falls form the sky, every jeep in town comes out of the woodwork. All the people sliding around nervously see us roll by and think to themselves, "Whatta fuckin asshole!" Why do they think that? Because we're still driving like its sunny, warm and clear. Because we can. I know this to be fact, because as I said before, for 9 years I too felt jeep envy. Weather also effects parking situations. When at Christmas time I found myself at a mall, I noticed there was something very wrong. First off, there was no parking. Secondly what little parking was left was where all the plows had pushed piles of snow. So I myself, and about 7 other jeeps I saw took advantage of this situation, and we improvised.

Lets see your kia do that. The fact is, there are things one can only do with a jeep, things such as this..is one of them. It just doesn't look right if you try it in a different vehicle, and people look at you and say, man.. that guy really ought to own a jeep. Don't be a poser, don't be *that* guy. Just get the real thing. If you're wondering about whether or not a girl can drive a jeep.. The answer is, um. What? Seriously, if you are female and you want to not only enhance your coolness, but your hot factor, you will go out and buy a jeep NOW! Don't delay, purchase today. Well right now that I'm writing this, its actually sunday, so you'll have to go tomorrow, but you get the meaning. Why wait, is all I'm saying. And think of how wonderful it will be when you wake on a snow packed day and you know that only bitches driving other kinds of cars will be worried about the road conditions. For instance, this following picture was of a day that didn't stop me.

Choices, choices..

So you now know you will go out and buy yourself a jeep and become one of the elite. But there are more choices than just the normal 2 door or 4 door.. and what colour?! Well, first off, lets assume you're smart and you want to buy a Wrangler (YJ/TJ/JK) - You do have colour choice of course, and YES! There ARE even 4 door models! But theres also a longer than normal 2 door, and thats the Unlimited. Theres a Rubicon, so you don't have to do so much to get her badass on the trail.. Theres the X, the Sport, the Safari.

Hard Top? Soft Top? No Top? Bikini Top? Safari Top? No Doors? Soft Doors, Hard Doors? Full Doors, Half Doors? I don't see any other car, truck, or suv with that kind of customizationabilities. So, get creative. I myself like the full doors, and soft top in the winter.. Safari top, full doors, deck cover and cargo straps in the summer. Do your homework you'll know what I mean. And when you join the ranks of the coolest people of all time ever in the history of the world of all time.. the rest of us.. we'll know.

Thank you.

Countries of the World

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Gladiator vs. Braveheart

This is an age old question dating back to the dawn of time. I actually took a poll once, at work, as to who would win in an epic grudgematch. They got it wrong, so today, many years later, I'm here to correct it and show the truth. Today we will answer who will win in a fight to the death.. William Wallace vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Today, you have the opportunity to guess who you think will be the real winner. Guess now.

....


Can you hear the Jeopardy music?


TIMES UP!

I am an epic movie connoisseur. (thats right, I looked up how to spell that word.) Seems some of you have been criteekink mah lak ov speln skilz. i don cayr fer spelnz. sos, shutupz.

Back to the task. Yes, epic movies. They're great. you watch them once, I watch them fifty trillion times. Its true. And thats for many reasons. A. They rock, 2. Theres usually bewbz in them. That said, i really do watch the crap outta these kinds of movies, because they're awesome. SO, that makes me an expert on this subject. Also, we're gonna add some real to this post. some HISTORY, thats right ladies and germs. History. Not like that horrible Michael Jackson album HIStory. We're talking back to highschool shit. Are you ready? You better be!

These two goddamn epic titans are about to square off, one on one. Its like the old nintendo game Jordan vs Bird, except niether of them is black, and there is no basketball. Other than that. Identical. As you can see, at our first look at these two contenders that Maximus wears armor. This brings up two important points of interest.

1. He is smart because he wants to live longer
2. He is a pussy compared to the berserker style combant that Wallace uses
   
   

How do you rate this advantage? Well since this is a grudge match, you'd want to award points to Maximus for being smart and wearing it. Also, you award points to Wallace for toughness. For Maximus the armour can be restricting though, and thus slows his movement down, no matter how much dirt he rubs on his hands. That said, if a slash comes at him poorly, he can take the brunt of it and live. The outcome:

Draw

Next up, lets look once again at armor.

Maximus wears a helm. Granted is a sweet fuckin helm. I mean, if you HAD to pick a helmet to wear, wouldn't you wear this one? Of course you would. It covers the important parts, like your nose.. I mean, if you lose an eye, you still got one good one. If you lose your nose, imagine how disfigured and ugly you'd be. Also, you couldn't smell. That'd totally suck. So, again, he's wearing armor to protect himself and you have to give pointers to that, but in the long run, those pointers only point so far. If someone hit him with a hammer, say.. he'd still be dead. If you're chopping at someones noggin like that, you're likely aiming for the neck. So, yes- the helm protects against a little, but not nearly as much as a badass suit of armor does.

William Wallace on the other hand, does not wear a pansy ass helm. He wears sweet ass blue facepaint, and the blood of his enemies. Pros and cons? Obviously, if someone tossed a rock at you, it'd hurt worse. If someone chopped at you, you'd still be just as able to be beheaded. But, you could lose a nose. We've already discussed this matter.

The fact you're not wearing a helm makes your eye and head movement less restricted. You don't look like a badass in this silver monstrosity with fuckin rad spikes all over it, but you look UNHOLY with the blood of your enemies splattered all over your skin. So the outcome?

Advantage Wallace

Next up, lets talk about style points. This is a tough one. Now all of you are thinking, yes, armor is way cooler than wearing a skirt! Ok first off, its a kilt so piss off, wanker! Secondly, if you notice, not only did Maximus wear a gayby blue potatoe sack under his armour, but also no pants, thus they both wear skirts. Maximus fights because he wants to honor the old Cesar and give Rome back to the people. He is PISSED because they killed his ol lady and his kid! BASTARDS! William Wallace fights because he wants to free Scotland from the tyrany of the English fucksticks who've been picking on them for a long time! He's PISSED because they killed his brother, his father, and then his wife! BASTARDS! Style points:

Draw

Now, we'll talk history. HISTORY! Yay! You love it. As we all know, the Scotts have never managed to conquer.. well, pretty much anything. Where as the Roman's went across the world conquering all in their path! One would think this would give them an advantage in this area, ahh but there is a rub you maybe don't know. The Roman's invated Britain and conquered. But, the Scotts were pissed and kept fighting back. The barbarian's to the north were such a pain in the ass to the Roman's they actually built a wall to keep them out. Some of that wall still stands today, its called Hadrian's Wall. (its not very impressive looking anymore) Eventually, the Roman's had enough and just straight left. Chalk one up for Scotland.

Advantage Wallace


Time for more history, don't pretend like your bored, you know you're learning something.
We've covered armor, now lets cover weaponry. Roman's had wonderful little swords. I say little with a bit of jest, but its true.. they used short swords. The Scotts mostly used Claymores. As for that, thats a big fuckin sword. Often time's they'd wrap it on the blade and use it as a spear as well. Scotland has always had a flare for the dramatic. Sure it'd be easier to use a spear, but cmon, swords are so much cooler. Check it.


Now, if you were gonna fight someone man to man, which would you choose? Already can you hear the taunts of "Mine's bigger!!" I bet you can you sicko! So for weaponry..

Advantage Wallace


Moving on. Before we speak of this anymore, lets look at one more thing. Both of these guys claimed to want to be farmers. Maximus stated in the beginning of the film he wants to go "harvest crops" -- Wallace said much the same, "Raise crops and God willing, a family." So both of these guys are farmers. Now you understand why all the hicks in highschool thought they were badass. They're not, they don't go around cutting people apart viciously with a sword. Oh no, they just listened to Toby Keith and mucked stalls. Fuck'm. But, there's something we've over looked.. And that is.. Military training. Wallace learned how to use a sword from his uncle.. Maximus was a soldier of Rome. That makes him a badass. Wallace was labeled the Lord and High Protector of Scotland. Maximus was a General. This is all very similar. But we must look straight at the facts. Maximus was a formally trained soldier DESPITE the fact that he REALLY just wanted to be a farmer.


Advantage Maximus





Now, I can think of nothing more to point out. We've covered the facts, we've covered the historical stand points, and we've covered the badassness of each man. Before we tally up the numbers, I should also add, neither one of these guys died like bitches. Maximus was poisoned, and then beat the Cesar man to man before croaking. Wallace refused poison and was really fucked up by the English. Eternal glory for each! Now! To the numbers!

• Draws = 2
• Maximus = 1
• Wallace = 3

And the winner, by resounding score is WILLIAM WALLACE!!!!

Was there ever a doubt this guy would kick the shit out of Maximus. Sure Maxipad is a trained soldier, and he's fighting with vengance and honor. But Wallace is also fighting with honor, vengance, and he has something else, he's a fucking animal. Also, its basic math. His sword's reach is far too big for Maximus to get inside of the guard, and thus, Maxi loses a quick battle. But, his hands were dirty at the end, the way he always wanted.

Thank you.

Burger Joints

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