The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund

Today I had a desire, one desire only, and that brought me to where I am, looking like the starving writer that I am, because though the truth is important, its also cheap. Like your mom.

That desire was simple, but it was wonderful. Pie. I needed pie like you need the sauce. Really fucking bad. So here I came, to VI. Village Inn. I recently met someone who did not know what Village Inn is. I was in shock, I was sullen, I was down mothafuckin trodden. And then the spark of life and truth and everything I stand for hit me, and I introduced said person to VI. And yes, there was pie. So for those of you out there who have never heard of Village Inn, let me first say: where have you been your whole life? Living under a rock? Now for you who haven't heard of it before you should know its kind of like Denny’s.  But better. With a SHIT LOAD of pie. So now you know. I came here for pie and a hot cock cocoa. Life would be better if I could smoke here, but the land locked hell hole state government and the fruity fuck ass lickers who live here decided that cigarette smoke is bad for them and they didn’t want to smell it while they ate and therefore they voted and banned it. The power of stupid people with opinions oppressing the smarter people of the world who just want to be left alone with their cigarettes and smokers cough is amazing. Moving on.

As you may have learned if you pay attention to anything in the media, the poor sad Kim Kardashian recently filed for divorce. This was because she was married to a dickwad who didn’t appreciate her for what she is: A bitch probably rich hot chick with herpes I’d guess a TV show and a fat ass millions of dollars in the bank, a fat ass beautiful smile, sex tape pretty hair, and a luscious posterior. She is this pirates primo booty beauty, and so, after reading about lots fall out around her 72 day marriage and how unpopular she is becoming, it is left to me, the critic, to bring her relief, and therefore I have created this relief fund for my love, Kim Kardashian.

This should be good. Really fucking good. You’re asking yourself what possible credentials could I possibly have that would make me qualified to write about her and what would bring her relief? Easy. I’ve been stalking her for 6 years. The last time I broke into her house I even wore a whipped cream banana hammock, regrettably the guards tackled me and called the police. Also I know what women want. No, not really, that’s a straight up lie. It’s a proven fact that not even women know what women want, which is what makes that movie with Mel Gibson so infuriating. Ever notice how Mel was normal until he made that movie and then he became the jew and woman hating fuck rag he is today? All after making the movie WHAT WOMEN WANT. You see the fact is, if you try to know what women truly want, you will in fact lose your mind like Mel Gibson. That info can be found on Web MD.com I think.

Regardless, the real truth is, I don’t know what women want, and I’m so poor with them I can’t even keep a girl interested in me for more than a very short time. This includes but its not limited to my exwife. Oh well, fuck em. I’m pretty ok with me anyways, and that’s what makes my credentials sound. I’m male, and I’m an opinionated one. This is my house motherfucker and I’m fucking king of this castle. If you don’t like it, build your own goddamn castle, but just remember, if you do, I’m going to siege it. And steal your gold… and booty. Because everything can take a pirate twist and don’t you fucking forget it pal!

Now what the fuck am I talking about? I’m talking about the hottie Kim Kardashian. Move over Pam Anderson, there’s a new sheriff in town and she isn’t a Canadian Import like Canada Dry.

Look guys, being rich isn’t easy. You wouldn’t know because you’re poor as fuck. Being so hot that the melting of the polar ice caps is blamed on you openly in the media… How could you know what that’s like? That’s pressure and stress that no normal person could ever live up to. Fortunately for Kim she is super human and bred with the strongest of hot bitch genes. And they are big jeans, because she has an enormous huge wide ass. Did you see? Genes and jeans.. play on words. Ok fuck you it was a bad joke. Kiss my ass. No wait, don’t go, I love you. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m afraid of the dark.

Are we ok? Are you sure? Ok. Good.

Anyways what were we talking about? Ahh yes, the stress of being awesome. You see, I feel for Kimmy because I understand what that pressure is like, being awesome myself. Granted I may not be attractive or cut like Thor or anything, but I am popular beyond all my wildest dreams. Which isn’t that impressive because usually I dream of Cheetos. Whatever.

The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund was created as a way to help Kim know that she’s not alone, nor does she ever have to be alone again. Because here Kim, here I am. For you and only you. Fact: I am not rich unless you consider personality. In which case, I am still not rich. I am, however a know it all fuck, but if you want to always be right, that’s ok, because you can afford to buy me my Lotus Elise I’ve been craving for the last 7 seconds since I just thought it up.

Why would Kim choose a fucker like the critic? Easy. She married a guy who was half black half white, which seems to be a good mix breed of things, hell I’m not a racist, go for it and get down. But the truth his, he is a basketball player, I say player because he is not a star. This fucker is not Jordan. He’s not even the cheap imitation of Jordan: Kobe.  No sir, he’s a mediocre professional athlete which means he’s stronger and more athletic than I’ll ever be. But athletes don’t ever work out. Especially ones in the NBA which is on strike. That’s right, the real reason why their marriage failed? HE IS A FUCKING BUM! If you’re not working, how can you afford to do all the great things that Kim likes to do. Like feed her enormous ass. And go to the beach. You can’t. Dear jerk who stole the love of my life for 72 days: Get a fucking job. Asshole. Hell I’m glad he fucked up, that makes Kim more readily available for me. Ha! The Critic is not black or half black. All of her previous relationships have been with black stars. This is nothing against the color thing, its just that she doesn’t realize her preference is really for a skinny white guy with no athletic abilities. Oh and I can’t rap either.

But we do make quite the handsome couple, there can never be any denying that. As you can see from the pictures here, the couple dates we did go on made me so happy, I was all smiles. She was all hotness, like normal, and all huge ass, but I’m down with that. Feed the posterior.

I do have some things going for me that those other cock suckers didn’t though. First off, I have half a brain that can fathom something other than any particular sport. I also think about sex and drinking. Those fuckers have no idea. I may not be able to rap, but that’s just like being a poet. Face the facts, good poets are women, or gay, or E.A. Poe. And that guy was morbid and used to fuck dead bodies, so whatever, maybe I don’t want to be a poet. You see these things are not against me, they’re working for me, because Kim, you need to try something new, something that will be everlasting! Which in case you were wondering how long everlasting is, its like.. more than 72 days, at least. Prolly around a year or so. I’m ok with a year.

But I know something those pro sports stars don’t- the definition of happiness. Happiness is having a shit load of money, your own TV show, awesome cars, money in the bank. I have all those things. I would like all of those things, and for that I’d make a really shitty pool boy, but I am pretty good arm candy, don’t you think? Also remember what life is like without the critic. Unbearable. It’s a proven fact that can be cross referenced with FOX News that previous to meeting me, Kimmy was a depressed, sad rich girl with an awesome house and everything anyone could ever want. But after she me, the critic, she became infused with the truth and the truth can bring on lots of happiness. It can also cause clinical depression and lead to suicide, but who cares about that shit?

The fact of the matter is, without me, there is no happy Kim Kardashian, but with me, she is the bubbly happy girl that other girls envy. She is the same girl who poses for Playboy and makes all the guys drool, and makes a calendar every year that we all buy with our saved up allowances. (Thanks mom!)

So now, lets look back at why the critic is the perfect mate for Kim.

• Like Kim, he sucks at relationships
• Like Kim, he is divorced
• Like Kim he is awesome
• He is rich
• He is cut like Thor
• He has a great personality
• He is a smart ass
• He has no ass and she has an over abundance of it
• He has ambition

Oh that’s right motherfuckers, I’m not done with this shit yet. I’m going to twist it now, are you ready? Buckle your seat belts and hold on to your sombreros its time to get crazy.

I’ve got more ambition than most people, and I know how to use that for my future. As you all know by now, our Army of truth seeking assholes grows every day, and with that, it fuels my election campaign. That’s right Kim, you may have a nice house now, but wait till you see my future house. It looks a little something like this:

She interested now.

You all know I launched my official campaign for president of the US of motha fuckin A last year in October. It was there I showed you my experience as a politician, motivator and leader. But there’s more to do, because 2012 is upon us, and its time to defeat our opponents in a 300-esque manner that will make them scream and cry for their mama’s, suck their thumbs and disappear into obscurity where they fucking belong.

Well to give you an update just over a year later, the campaign is going strong, and we’re gaining steam every day. One of the biggest and most exciting things is our new ad campaign. Last year we went by my first name, cr1ck3e- thus capturing the hearts and minds of you, the younger crowd. But some of you are saying, wait! I am not part of this young crowd! I am part of the older crowd, well now, for you, to capture your hearts and minds and wallets we’ve decided to go with a more professional look at the campaign and use my birth name: the critic.

Also, last year we did a lot to slam on our rivals, you may remember.. His name is Satan? right, well Vote for me because my opponent is the devil? If that’s not a good enough reason than nothing is. Except for maybe.. this:

That’s right folks, you have questions, and fuck it, so do I! I want to know the same shit that you do. Fortunately for me, I will become president and will get that book, “The President’s Book” or whatever it was called. I know you saw National Treasure 2. It was alright. I’m not a huge Nick Cage fan, but whatever. I’m going to get that and in it are the answers to your mind so craves. And guess what? It is my oath to you that when I find out, you will find out. Can you see it now? From the White House, with my loving doll Kim on my shoulder, I will announce to the world exactly who it was that killed JFK.

Kim will be as shocked as you. I won’t look so shocked, because I will have read it already and have to keep my composure for the country. Or maybe you’re like my friend, the mcp.. I know what he wants to know, and I know I want to know too. And I know you do too. And if its not in the President’s Book, I’ll just fly Air Force 1 out there, with video cameras and Kim, and we’ll find out together..

Its just that simple friends. You want answers, I want votes. Lets work together now for a change. How many other presidential candidates can you say will do that? The answer is fucking zero. Not just ZERO, FUCKIN ZERO, BITCH!

That’s why I am here, as a beacon of truth and light, and hope for you, your friends, family, and even your easy mom.

The one thing that will surely launch me straight to the White House is the help of Kim Kardashian. She is essential to this process because she is popular, sexy as fuck, and has a huge ass. She is America’s Sweetheart. The world is unhappy with her now, because she is unhappy. So write letters, find her on facebook, follow her twitter world wide and send her the message: The Critic is the man for you, Kim! HE is your relief fund, and only through him will you find true and eternal happiness. Forever and ever. At least one year of it.

And if that doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to apologize big time to Pam Anderson, she’s prolly pissed at me, but good news is, she’s a really fun chick and has a heart of gold and understands just how I have to wrangle the media to my command with Kim’s help, to launch me to a successful political career. Brilliant no? The first guy to use a celebrity status to launch his campaign since.. One of the most popular Presidents of all time.. Ronald Regan. THE ACTOR! So please please please, remind Kimmy to find the critic on facebook, point her here, and tell her all you can that she is destined for great things with yours truly. And never forget to remind everyone you know, 4 more years of corrupt politicians, or 4 years of real honesty and truth. Besides, could you see Kim as the first lady? Fuck that’d be awesome. And we’d have limos like she’s accustomed to, I’d have salary forever, and secret service, and thus would not be like that bum basketball player she married the last time. It’s a match made in heaven. And that is what you call some serious fucking relief.

Celebrate your birthday, bitch!

Its birthday month here at Critic Headquarters. And there’s really only one I’m going to talk about, and two others I’ll mention because its gonna add some worthless shit to my blog and more words that make it longer, and that’s what we’re really after here right? Length. That’s what the chicks say, bro.. size matters. So lets kick off this 12 inches of awesomeness that your girlfriend likes and you don’t even know it… with some fucking announcements.

First and foremost you may already know but you may not fucking know in which case you definitely need to fucking know, that the critic, cr1ck3e, yours truly, is on facebook, and has been for a while. I feel it is now my time to be like those bluray ads for how awesome bluray is.. at the beginning of every fucking bluray. Why follow the critic on blogspot AND on facebook? Because its fucking different. I write shit here I don’t write there. I write shit there that will never grace the pages of this fine establishment here. There’s a link on the site here now for you to easily navigate your happy ass over to facebook, because I’m just that fucking generous.

Now, if you’d like to know what you can expect from the critic on facebook, I also can provide that for you. Because I’m awesome like that.

I hope that helps. SO CHECK IT OUT TODAY! IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO EXPERIENCE THE CRITIC IN TRUE HD QUALITY ON YOUR TV AND HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM! IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW THE CRITIC HD ON FB AND BS THEN YOU’RE PROBABLY GAY, DEAD, OR IN JAIL!

Now you fuckin know. Next announcement is the first part of the real meat your girlfriend loves, and you know she does.

Birthing days

This weekend is huge for birthdays, I have some special ones to talk about. First, its mine. Who cares? I don’t. Once you hit 700  years old, the rest become a blur.

Secondly, Lindsay Lohan. This weekend she turns 25. Her vagina? 57. This fucking waste of life is still sucking up my oxygen and that really pisses me off. With her stealing, jail time, rehab, drugs, lesbianism, retardedness.. I thought for sure natural selection would have claimed her by now, but as you can see, money really CAN buy everything. It keeps buying her a life extension. I’m just as confused about this as you, friends. I don’t understand how she’s skill kicking, but 25 years old going strong and one of the worlds biggest fuck ups, yet she’s still out there. For now.

Next we have a very special one, which I think is important for you all to know. It’s the greatest thing to ever come out of Canadia. I know it, you know it, and it says so on the interweb, and as we all know, everything on the interwebs is true.

Pamela Anderson

Yes, its true, the lovely Pammy is another year older. How old is she? Who fucking cares! She’s still got it if you ask me, which I know you’re doing since you’re actually reading my words. The fact is, I think she may be an immortal non ager just like me which is a shame because in order to get the prize one of us will have to cut the other ones head off.. but we’ll still lose to Dick Clark. DAMN YOU DICK CLARK!!!!!!!

Finally, the real meat. Lets get balls deep and do this shit, enough with these worthless announcements.

The grand ol US of motha fuckin A is another year older this weekend. You fucking love this weekend, though maybe you don’t really know why. That’s what I’m here for, to tell you why you fucking love it. Unless you’re from Canadia, in which case your celebrating Pam’s bday. Or if you’re from England, you’re celebrating your epic loss of the biggest territory you ever held. Damn those yanks, mate! Lets have tea and swallow our sadness! Cheerio!

I’m a goddamn American. This makes me from one of the greatest bitches ever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no matter how bad this country sucks ass, it could be worse, I could be somewhere else. So fuck yeah, America, and Fuck yeah AmericANS. Lets blow the roof off of any terroristic plot that comes our way and force feed the world our opinions and views, because that’s what WE FUCKING DO! If you’re not used to it by now, you live under a fucking rock. And guess what? WE OWN THAT FUCKING ROCK! So wake the fuck up motherfucker, its time for you to cut your wrists and bleed red white and blue, bitches. I don’t give a fuck where you think you’re from, all the world is our playground, and we’re gonna swing if we want to. And if you’re on the swing, we’re gonna kick you off. BRING IT!

Are you ready? Lets get our drink birthday on.

Here’s what you already know. All these white guys got together in 1776 and decided to write out our declaration of independence. We then sent it off to the English who of course, were not about to lose a colony as big as America. So they decided to act in the Imperialistic Galactic Empire way and stop us. They failed, we became a country. That’s what you learned in school, but lets take a closer look, from a truth perspective that you fucking deserve. Why do you fucking deserve it? Because you’re a fuckin American too, goddamn it! So imma give it to you, bitch, yeeahh.. Imma give it to you goooood..

Ahem.

So anyways, the year is 1776, and the people of the Colonies of America decide they’re tired of the asshole Limey’s bossing them around and taxing them. So they say, know what? Fuck this, lets do something about it. But what shall we do? We’ll have a meeting. So they do, and many people whom you know of like future presidents and shit are there. Who are these people? They’re the ones on your dollar bills and shit. So they write out this document that basically says, FUCK YOU ENGLAND! WHATEVA WHATEVA I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT!

Now you’re thinking, ok its kinda impressive but yah, I knew all that. Well did you realize that the fuckers that got together were wig wearing tights toting weirdos? Yah seriously, they were white guys in wigs, and they wore tights. Why is this impressive? If you see a guy wearing a wig and tights now a days, do you expect him to be able to stick up for himself? Fuck no you don’t, because he’s a tranny and he she it thing would rather suck a cock than kick someone in the balls. So FUCK YEAH! We wore tights, we wore wigs, and we raised our fist in protest and said FUCK YOU! Thank God shit like this doesn’t happen anymore, else the trannys would run the universe.

So these wig wearing sissys say fuck off, and America is fucking born! Kinda. We still had to fight the the limey fucks that didn’t want to let us do our thing, which of course was to ultimately take over the world. Well fuck them, we said, we formed up and we got ready to fight! But we weren’t trained military like they were. This was not necessarily a bad thing, since if you look at it, they got their royal ball licking asses kicked the fuck to next week by our militia. We fought the best way we know how.. as guerrillas.

That’s right! We formed up in the woods and we waited for them to march by, all strong and proud, like they had a royal stick shoved up their ass. Well, you may remember from school, the command was no shooting till you see the whites of their eyes.  Stop and think about that shit for a minute. That's way more personal than most modern day wars. That was get in the motherfuckers grill and put your gat on his chin and turn his goddamned head into a fucking canoe and then bathe in the blood of your enemy for you have taken his life, let his blood FUCKING SUSTAIN YOU! THEN KILL THE NEXT ONE! FUCK YEAH! Not only did we take our shit by force, we took it in a grotesque awesome personal way. Also, for reference,  the guns back then.. weren’t too accurate, so rather than waste time and precious resources, that command was given to make sure our untrained guerrilla asses didn’t fucking miss. And guess what? WE DIDN’T MOTHERFUCKERS! FUCK YEAH!

Funny stories come about later, about people like Ben Franklin, who yes, was a member of continental congress, but we also have learned what an asshole womanizer he was. This makes him human, and just like every other politician out there. Also, we’ve learned that he was notorious for sleeping through congressional sittings. This makes me wonder how many others were just like him. I know I would be. Sometimes people talk and I just don’t even listen, but I’m good at looking like I am listening. Just like I’m sure he was. They probably knew his ass was sleeping and they threw a #2 pencil at him, EH BEN! – What mothafucka? Caint you see my ass is asleep? – Come sign this shit, bitch! --- If it’ll get your cunt ass to leave me alone, FINE!

Oh shit, what did I just do?

You’ve heard the story of Paul Revere (not the Beastie Boy) riding from town to town on his pony, telling everyone the English were coming. To get ready. Ready your arms and hide, its time to FUCKING KILL!!! You’ve seen pictures, paintings, read poetry, and know the heroic stories of George Washington.. crossing the Delaware in the cold. Notice in the painting he’s not rowing. He’s the Boss. And then they crossed over and what happened next? We kicked the shit outta the bad guys. FUCK YEAH!

So this weekend we celebrate our ability to raise our middle fingers to the English, to the crown, to the monarchy, to the Royal Fucking Wedding that didn’t invite Billy Fuckin Idol to it… and we say FUCK YOU WORLD! We’re America, and we’re fucking better, and we’re gonna take the day off from work and get drunk!! And know why we can do that? Because we ARE fucking better, and if you don’t believe it, we’ll back it up with a hell storm of fire power that will level your house and your cousins house AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME BRO. For real. Yeah, you can say it. FUCK YEAH!

So we take the day off from work, we have a barbeque, we get drunk. But we also celebrate with a wicked ass fireworks display unless you live in a landlocked firebanned hell hole like I do. Apparently this fucking hole is antiamerican. fuck no. It makes me sad, but I can watch fireworks on tv. Or, maybe I’ll set off a few of my own fucking fireworks, FUCK YEAH! Why? Because I ain’t skeerd. I’m a fucking American, and I’m doing my patriotic duty to fucking light shit on fire. Fireworks symbolize just how awesome we are with our ability to shock and awe. Don’t believe me? Ask Japan. Or Saddam. Or Osama. Or Hitler. Or England. Or the Aliens. We’ll fuck up anyone in our way, because we’re fucking Americans and that’s what we fucking do. And you don’t own us. We own you!! FUCK YEAH!

So this year, America, since I’m in a no firework zone, I’d like to take a minute to say thank you, Thank you for kicking ass. You don’t deserve fireworks, you deserve one of those awesome ass cakes where the chick pops out of it and she’s scantily clad in something that’s totally awesome. You deserve Marilyn Monroe singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” You deserve for some country to beg you to take it over because you’re a trazillion times fucking cooler than them, and you have to power that says “Yes I will take over your country if you can deep throat well enough!” And that country, with tears in its eyes from humiliation, agrees to gag on your boner of pure power. And then we have state motha fucking 51. Why? Because that’s what we fucking do.

FUCK YEAH!

Countries of the World

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.