Celebrate your birthday, bitch!

Its birthday month here at Critic Headquarters. And there’s really only one I’m going to talk about, and two others I’ll mention because its gonna add some worthless shit to my blog and more words that make it longer, and that’s what we’re really after here right? Length. That’s what the chicks say, bro.. size matters. So lets kick off this 12 inches of awesomeness that your girlfriend likes and you don’t even know it… with some fucking announcements.

First and foremost you may already know but you may not fucking know in which case you definitely need to fucking know, that the critic, cr1ck3e, yours truly, is on facebook, and has been for a while. I feel it is now my time to be like those bluray ads for how awesome bluray is.. at the beginning of every fucking bluray. Why follow the critic on blogspot AND on facebook? Because its fucking different. I write shit here I don’t write there. I write shit there that will never grace the pages of this fine establishment here. There’s a link on the site here now for you to easily navigate your happy ass over to facebook, because I’m just that fucking generous.

Now, if you’d like to know what you can expect from the critic on facebook, I also can provide that for you. Because I’m awesome like that.

I hope that helps. SO CHECK IT OUT TODAY! IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO EXPERIENCE THE CRITIC IN TRUE HD QUALITY ON YOUR TV AND HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM! IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW THE CRITIC HD ON FB AND BS THEN YOU’RE PROBABLY GAY, DEAD, OR IN JAIL!

Now you fuckin know. Next announcement is the first part of the real meat your girlfriend loves, and you know she does.

Birthing days

This weekend is huge for birthdays, I have some special ones to talk about. First, its mine. Who cares? I don’t. Once you hit 700  years old, the rest become a blur.

Secondly, Lindsay Lohan. This weekend she turns 25. Her vagina? 57. This fucking waste of life is still sucking up my oxygen and that really pisses me off. With her stealing, jail time, rehab, drugs, lesbianism, retardedness.. I thought for sure natural selection would have claimed her by now, but as you can see, money really CAN buy everything. It keeps buying her a life extension. I’m just as confused about this as you, friends. I don’t understand how she’s skill kicking, but 25 years old going strong and one of the worlds biggest fuck ups, yet she’s still out there. For now.

Next we have a very special one, which I think is important for you all to know. It’s the greatest thing to ever come out of Canadia. I know it, you know it, and it says so on the interweb, and as we all know, everything on the interwebs is true.

Pamela Anderson

Yes, its true, the lovely Pammy is another year older. How old is she? Who fucking cares! She’s still got it if you ask me, which I know you’re doing since you’re actually reading my words. The fact is, I think she may be an immortal non ager just like me which is a shame because in order to get the prize one of us will have to cut the other ones head off.. but we’ll still lose to Dick Clark. DAMN YOU DICK CLARK!!!!!!!

Finally, the real meat. Lets get balls deep and do this shit, enough with these worthless announcements.

The grand ol US of motha fuckin A is another year older this weekend. You fucking love this weekend, though maybe you don’t really know why. That’s what I’m here for, to tell you why you fucking love it. Unless you’re from Canadia, in which case your celebrating Pam’s bday. Or if you’re from England, you’re celebrating your epic loss of the biggest territory you ever held. Damn those yanks, mate! Lets have tea and swallow our sadness! Cheerio!

I’m a goddamn American. This makes me from one of the greatest bitches ever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no matter how bad this country sucks ass, it could be worse, I could be somewhere else. So fuck yeah, America, and Fuck yeah AmericANS. Lets blow the roof off of any terroristic plot that comes our way and force feed the world our opinions and views, because that’s what WE FUCKING DO! If you’re not used to it by now, you live under a fucking rock. And guess what? WE OWN THAT FUCKING ROCK! So wake the fuck up motherfucker, its time for you to cut your wrists and bleed red white and blue, bitches. I don’t give a fuck where you think you’re from, all the world is our playground, and we’re gonna swing if we want to. And if you’re on the swing, we’re gonna kick you off. BRING IT!

Are you ready? Lets get our drink birthday on.

Here’s what you already know. All these white guys got together in 1776 and decided to write out our declaration of independence. We then sent it off to the English who of course, were not about to lose a colony as big as America. So they decided to act in the Imperialistic Galactic Empire way and stop us. They failed, we became a country. That’s what you learned in school, but lets take a closer look, from a truth perspective that you fucking deserve. Why do you fucking deserve it? Because you’re a fuckin American too, goddamn it! So imma give it to you, bitch, yeeahh.. Imma give it to you goooood..

Ahem.

So anyways, the year is 1776, and the people of the Colonies of America decide they’re tired of the asshole Limey’s bossing them around and taxing them. So they say, know what? Fuck this, lets do something about it. But what shall we do? We’ll have a meeting. So they do, and many people whom you know of like future presidents and shit are there. Who are these people? They’re the ones on your dollar bills and shit. So they write out this document that basically says, FUCK YOU ENGLAND! WHATEVA WHATEVA I DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT!

Now you’re thinking, ok its kinda impressive but yah, I knew all that. Well did you realize that the fuckers that got together were wig wearing tights toting weirdos? Yah seriously, they were white guys in wigs, and they wore tights. Why is this impressive? If you see a guy wearing a wig and tights now a days, do you expect him to be able to stick up for himself? Fuck no you don’t, because he’s a tranny and he she it thing would rather suck a cock than kick someone in the balls. So FUCK YEAH! We wore tights, we wore wigs, and we raised our fist in protest and said FUCK YOU! Thank God shit like this doesn’t happen anymore, else the trannys would run the universe.

So these wig wearing sissys say fuck off, and America is fucking born! Kinda. We still had to fight the the limey fucks that didn’t want to let us do our thing, which of course was to ultimately take over the world. Well fuck them, we said, we formed up and we got ready to fight! But we weren’t trained military like they were. This was not necessarily a bad thing, since if you look at it, they got their royal ball licking asses kicked the fuck to next week by our militia. We fought the best way we know how.. as guerrillas.

That’s right! We formed up in the woods and we waited for them to march by, all strong and proud, like they had a royal stick shoved up their ass. Well, you may remember from school, the command was no shooting till you see the whites of their eyes.  Stop and think about that shit for a minute. That's way more personal than most modern day wars. That was get in the motherfuckers grill and put your gat on his chin and turn his goddamned head into a fucking canoe and then bathe in the blood of your enemy for you have taken his life, let his blood FUCKING SUSTAIN YOU! THEN KILL THE NEXT ONE! FUCK YEAH! Not only did we take our shit by force, we took it in a grotesque awesome personal way. Also, for reference,  the guns back then.. weren’t too accurate, so rather than waste time and precious resources, that command was given to make sure our untrained guerrilla asses didn’t fucking miss. And guess what? WE DIDN’T MOTHERFUCKERS! FUCK YEAH!

Funny stories come about later, about people like Ben Franklin, who yes, was a member of continental congress, but we also have learned what an asshole womanizer he was. This makes him human, and just like every other politician out there. Also, we’ve learned that he was notorious for sleeping through congressional sittings. This makes me wonder how many others were just like him. I know I would be. Sometimes people talk and I just don’t even listen, but I’m good at looking like I am listening. Just like I’m sure he was. They probably knew his ass was sleeping and they threw a #2 pencil at him, EH BEN! – What mothafucka? Caint you see my ass is asleep? – Come sign this shit, bitch! --- If it’ll get your cunt ass to leave me alone, FINE!

Oh shit, what did I just do?

You’ve heard the story of Paul Revere (not the Beastie Boy) riding from town to town on his pony, telling everyone the English were coming. To get ready. Ready your arms and hide, its time to FUCKING KILL!!! You’ve seen pictures, paintings, read poetry, and know the heroic stories of George Washington.. crossing the Delaware in the cold. Notice in the painting he’s not rowing. He’s the Boss. And then they crossed over and what happened next? We kicked the shit outta the bad guys. FUCK YEAH!

So this weekend we celebrate our ability to raise our middle fingers to the English, to the crown, to the monarchy, to the Royal Fucking Wedding that didn’t invite Billy Fuckin Idol to it… and we say FUCK YOU WORLD! We’re America, and we’re fucking better, and we’re gonna take the day off from work and get drunk!! And know why we can do that? Because we ARE fucking better, and if you don’t believe it, we’ll back it up with a hell storm of fire power that will level your house and your cousins house AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME BRO. For real. Yeah, you can say it. FUCK YEAH!

So we take the day off from work, we have a barbeque, we get drunk. But we also celebrate with a wicked ass fireworks display unless you live in a landlocked firebanned hell hole like I do. Apparently this fucking hole is antiamerican. fuck no. It makes me sad, but I can watch fireworks on tv. Or, maybe I’ll set off a few of my own fucking fireworks, FUCK YEAH! Why? Because I ain’t skeerd. I’m a fucking American, and I’m doing my patriotic duty to fucking light shit on fire. Fireworks symbolize just how awesome we are with our ability to shock and awe. Don’t believe me? Ask Japan. Or Saddam. Or Osama. Or Hitler. Or England. Or the Aliens. We’ll fuck up anyone in our way, because we’re fucking Americans and that’s what we fucking do. And you don’t own us. We own you!! FUCK YEAH!

So this year, America, since I’m in a no firework zone, I’d like to take a minute to say thank you, Thank you for kicking ass. You don’t deserve fireworks, you deserve one of those awesome ass cakes where the chick pops out of it and she’s scantily clad in something that’s totally awesome. You deserve Marilyn Monroe singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” You deserve for some country to beg you to take it over because you’re a trazillion times fucking cooler than them, and you have to power that says “Yes I will take over your country if you can deep throat well enough!” And that country, with tears in its eyes from humiliation, agrees to gag on your boner of pure power. And then we have state motha fucking 51. Why? Because that’s what we fucking do.

FUCK YEAH!