Are you addicted to “it” ?

It. It is the single most coveted thing on the face of mother fucking earth. You fucking want it, you fucking need it, and goddamn it, if she doesn’t give it up, you’re gonna go get it anyways. It of course is: fucking, sex. The question we ask today is: Is sex addiction real, or is it just made up so ass wipes all over have excuses to be fuck rags. The answers lies within, lets do it.

I am male.

The simple truth is, every male out there is addicted to sex on some level. Sometimes you’ll meet one who says sex is not important. Yah, I’ve used that line too, works pretty good to eventually get a chick in bed. Now here is the bad news: She thinks you’re being honest, you lying cockface. That means you’re not going to be getting it as much as you want. Then you’re going to be tempted to go find it somewhere else. That’s when the real fun begins.

Looking outside your relationship is a bad idea for a few reasons. Lets cover the basics. Morals. Do you have them? Not sure? Answer this one: do you have a penis? If you answered yes to that second question, the answer to the previously stated question then becomes no. You don’t have morals. And you’re only happy so long as you’re getting some as much as you want. Its not a need, it’s a want. Fact: you can function without sex. Fact #2: You might be living without sex right now, but its not something you tell your buddies.

Now we get into the fundamental differences between wants and needs, bitches. Yahoo! Answers says this: When you WANT something, you wish you can have it, but you can live without it. When you NEED something, you HAVE to have it, its essential, and you can’t live without it.

Now back to the addiction. Because you really can’t be addicted to something you need, its easy to presume that sex can become an addiction. Yet still we have to wonder if this is just some stupid ass ploy to try and get your wiener out of trouble. Sex addiction has come up in the media a lot in recent years. From the most recent Weiner-Gate, to President Clinton’s obsession with fat bitches, to famous celebrity marriages ending over it.

Lets talk about Weiner. This politician’s name is Weiner. Of course he’s gonna show off his wiener, but fuck it, he at least wanted to fuck porn stars, where as good President Billy, wanted to nail fat chicks. Can’t understand that one at all. I mean fuckin a dude, you’re the most powerful man in the world.. use that for good, brother.. Plow some fucking Playboy Bunnies, or nail some naughty college girls. Who aren’t fat. You are the rock star of politics, live like one.

I digress. Lets get back to it. SO you’ve used some bullshit lines about not giving a fuck about fucking just so you can nail a hot chick. Good job! But now you want more knockin the boots. But she calls you out, remember, you don’t give a fucking fuck about fuckin fucking. FUCK! What the fuck do you do now? You fucking go out and find it! That bitch can’t keep you down!! If you decide to cheat, you are faced with 2 realities.

1. Getting caught.
2. Getting caught.

 

It’s a simple fact that you will be found out,  and that’s where you blame the sex addiction. The best possible scenario for you is you get dumped and then you have to chase down new tail. Hopefully you learned your lesson and you won’t ever again use that dumbshit line of “I don’t care that much about sex baby..” LADIES: The only way you can trust that line is if you can read his thoughts. Lets play the scene out again. This time we’ll color code it. Red will be spoken words, blue will be thoughts. Pink will be our female specimen.

I’d really like to see you again.

I’d really like to see you again too. Without your clothes next time.

There is something you should know though…

If she says she has a dick I’m going to be pissed. What is it?

Well.. I know sex is important to guys and all..

Fuck yes it is.

..but I’m really after a more mental.. spiritual connection. I want to find my soul mate.

I think I could find my soul after I mate you. Oh I totally know what you mean!

Really?

No. Yes!

Whatever! You’re a guy, you’re just looking for sex.

DUR. No, no.. Sex is not the most important thing to me. Now lets fuck!!!

 

Ladies, don’t be mad. What’s really cool is we paid attention to this conversation because we thought it might lead to fucking because it was important to us to see your tits to communicate how badly we want to fuck our feelings.

So now you find yourself in bed with another chick with your anti-sex companion back at home.. Only her mate walks in. This is scenario number two. Remember the best case scenario? This is the worst:

YOU GET FUCKING KILLED! I’ve heard that no one is worth dying over… but the way the saying should go is: no one is worth getting killed for! This is why you stick to the easier stuff to help your sex addiction. Like Internet Porn.

This is what David Duchovny did. Played it safe, didn’t go out and plow a bunch of chicks even though he could since he was Mulder and shit… no he respected his wife and stuck to the porn. Only it backfired. Apparently, she wanted to be the focus of his sexual desires, and not the porn. What a dumb fuck.

This of course resulted in the eventual firing Tea Leoni did with her husband Mulder. But seriously.. if you’re married to her, do you really need porn? Maybe she’s a stingy bitch. Maybe you’re just not doing it right. Whatever the hell you did wrong, thank you, because she’s finally answering my tweets, and perhaps me and Tea can have our own wiener-gate. Mulder, you’re the man.

You cannot blame your male mind on sex addiction, women don’t buy it guys. You can only blame it on the fact that you are in fact a male. One chick once asked me: Are you addicted to sex or something? I retorted with: What, are you stupid?

That relationship didn’t work out.

Here’s the truth though, sex sells. In tv, in movies, in advertising, in politics. Women have known this since the days of the caveman where they just had their skulls bashed in and they were then dragged back to cave by their new found mate clutching a fist full of hair and dragging her away. The guys are hating me for this blog so far, and the ladies are cheering me. Bad news, bitches, YOU’RE FUCKING GUILTY AS SIN TOO! Only you’re smarter about it than us. You use that Sex Addiction as a way to empty wallets. Enter: The Porn Industry.

Magazines, movies, but most of all, the Internet. In 1994, Al Gore invented the internet as a way to connect to all his old buddies and share their homemade movies with their wives, secretaries, mistresses, and yes- Interns.  So essentially, the Interweb was invented for one reason and one reason only: PORN. And thank God it was, because where else would we find it? And that’s just sad. Fortunately its used for other things now a days, like YouPorn YouTube, and Hustler ESPN.

The whole world thanks you, Al, for the porn industry on the web. And its easily accessible and free in a lot of cases. But ladies, if you argue that you’re not a sex driven species such as the male, let me first tell you this: WRONG! I’ve seen your handbook, and I’ve read through it. Guys, if you don’t believe it, go pick up a copy of the monthly subscription based handbook women live by. You don’t even have to buy one, just look at the cover. Fuck it, I’ll end this debate now.

Do you fucking see how many times it talks about sex, fucking, sexuality, and sex tricks and other sex related paraphernalia? This is just the cover! Imagine the page after page of sex dripping scandal that is printed in it! All you women THINK about is SEX! And that’s because its in your handbook! Men, we have an excuse. We’re pretty stupid. Women, you are cunning and manipulative, you have most men thinking you don’t fucking think about fucking! But you do! I know you do! So if your guy isn’t satisfied, that’s just not nice of you! Guys, if you’re not satisfied, you’ve either done something wrong, pissed her off, not done enough of what she wants, or guess what? She doesn’t like you much. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT SITUATION!

Now as we can see, sex is on everyone’s mind. Its not just the men of our species, it’s the women too. It’s the freaks, the fatties, the skinnies, the celebrities, the politicians, the rock stars and the porn stars. So sex addiction seems like it is very real. As a society of people you could say we’re all addicted to fucking.. but I think in the end, you have to look up another definition that should coincide with Sex Addiction. RESPONSIBILITY. The simple fact of the matter is, you can’t blame sex addiction (the phenomenon in which individuals report being unable to manage their sexual behavior) for the fact that you’re a fucking douche rocket and are getting kicked out of your home. You’re not addicted to sex, our society isn’t addicted to sex. No, sorry chumps, you’re obsessed with sex. Men, women, and everyone else, we love it, we want it. If you say you don’t like sex you’re either lying or you’ve never done it right. And if you’ve never done it right, go find someone to do it right with right fucking now! Fuel your obsession. You have it, its in you, and its waiting to be unlocked and unleashed!

But fuck you if you think you’re going to sell me on the idea that you’re addicted and can’t help yourself. No, that’s called you’re an irresponsible asshole who doesn’t want to take any responsibility for their own actions. So fuck you.