The Ugliest Female Celebrities - 2011

Its that time of year again motherfucker, and by that time of year again, I mean July. Granted, it’s the last day of July but do I give a fuck? Hell no! I am a procrastinator through and through and why would this be any different. It’s Sunday, the Sabbath, the day of rest. However, there is no rest for the wicked, and there is no one more wicked than I, so lets get this jumbo jet into a nose dive of destruction. Are you ready? Buckle up bitches!

I’ve done this once already, and I can do it again. Nuff said? Want more? Lets give you more you greedy babies. I am male, I have eyes, I can see, and I can assess who is ugly and who is not. Furthermore, I have excellent communication skills and I used these skills, once again, on facebook, in order to get your opinions as to who YOU think is the ugliest. Some I agree with, Some I don’t. But it doesn’t fucking matter we’re gonna talk about them all. Why? Because we can, and because YOUR VOICE MUST BE HEARD!

Speaking of hearing voices, I’ve decided that in this special edition of the blog where you get to pick the outcome, I’ve decided to bring in a guest speaker for you all. That’s right! This one will be co written as well. If you follow me on facebook then you know this guy well, if you don’t follow me on facebook then you probably out to start, and while your at it, find yourself the fellow known as “Kicking People in the Taco” – he’s a big supporter even though we disagree at times, and so because he pimps me there, I shall now pimp him here. How do you like that for turn about?

This list is a special one to me. It seems in this world we live in, we glorify these fuck rags who make so much goddamn money its not even funny, and all they really do is bring us entertainment. Granted, I like entertainment, but the voices in my head are often times way more fucking entertaining than these douches. You won’t find this list anywhere else in the world, and you won’t have the opportunity to have your voices heard as your raise your fist and say FUCK THESE GUYS! even IF they did make a list like this in people magazine. Which they won’t, because they suck. With that, I say thank you for your submissions. We had over 40 applicants for the top 10! In 7 days of voting we saw well over 100 of you vote. So if you voted, pat yourself on the back, you made history happen!

So because of the massive amounts of participants this year, in order to talk about everyone that was nominated, I decided I would break things down into three categories. I think you’ll find that you agree with most of the placements, with the exception of if you nominated someone in our first category. Are you ready? Too bad, its time for the list!

This is our first category. It is titled appropriately. Trust me. Would I lie? Yup, sure would! Only if it benefits me. If it scores me sex or free food. For drugs, yes. Only to the police. Never!

The following are in no particular order.

Katie Holmes

This is Mrs. Tom Cruise you’re talking about here, and Tom Cruise would not be hitting it if she were ugly. Sure she’s not the greatest actress in the world, but who cares? She has a pretty face to look at and furthermore she looks good in a bikini. And she uses a Blackberry. She’s my kind of girl.

So, for you who suggested her.. Open your eyes, mate, this chick is smoking, she’s cool, and she will not be on my list!

Miley Cyrus

Now here’s a chick I’ve been waiting to talk about for a while, she is legal now, so don’t call me a pervert. I waited a LONG TIME! Everyone knows she has no real talent. She is another whore to come from the creative studios of Walt Disney. To which the creative minds out there like mine say, hey thanks Disney! Following in the footsteps of Britney and Christina should be a no brainer for this chick because she really has no brain. Good news though, unlike her pops, she hasn’t gotten famous with a mullet. Here’s the reality though, folks. This young flower is just starting to blossom (that makes it sound dirty) and she is certainly not ugly. She is a lot of things but ugly isn’t one of them, so get real. She can’t be on the ugliest female celeb list.. That just makes no sense.

And furthermore, when have I ever been known to dog on a chick who is good at making the face you see in this last picture? NEVER!

 

Christina Aguilera

Are you fucking kidding me? Some of these people who nominated chicks should really not nominate anything. I wonder what's going through their heads.. I know.. Christina Aguilera! She’s ugly, right? WRONG! Not only is this chick smokin, but she’s got a giant black woman trapped inside her tiny white frame. But again, we get to thank Disney for this product. Sure she’s turned out some racy videos, and yah she botched the National Anthem, and she hasn’t posed nude yet, but we can still hold out for the future, never know when her career is gonna need a boost. But the question is, is she ugly? No, my friends, this chick can rock a pretty face and a bangin body. Cmon.

Christina Applegate

Ok I admit, she’s not the bombshell she was in the early 90’s while on Married with Children, but this chick still has it. I don’t see her often, but when I do, I think- “You know, she’s still got it” And she does. She won’t be on my list bitches, and furthermore, you don’t talk shit when someone beat breast cancer. Fact. So rock on Christina. I’d still hit it. I know straight girls who’d hit it, that’s how hot she still is. Fact. Oh and guess what? She can still rock a bikini. How do you like that? You love the sexist theme I’ve got going on here? I bet you do!

Rose McGowan

I read this suggestion and I thought to myself, hmm. It came from a reliable source, so I actually Googled it rather than just saying, WTF person? So I Googled.. and my final assessment was.. WRONG! She’s pretty hot still, I don’t care if she’s had surgery or not. She was pretty good before, and she’s still pretty good. Plus, she was in a movie where she had a machine gun for a leg, how fucking sexy is that? This chick takes a lot of photos like she s a pinup, and it works for her. Most chicks can’t do that.. Its like Katy Perry. She can do it. Pam Anderson? Nope. So, sorry, her face.. not that ugly. Her body? Bangin. Her on my list? Get the fuck out, not today.. and with the way she’s going? Not ever! Maybe I still have a hard on for her from that scene in scream when she’s nipping out. I was like 15, its understandable. Young impressions last forever. Who cares? Not me!

Drew Barrymore

Here’s another one that made me scratch my head. Sure she’s not the hottest item on the block, and she’s getting older but sometimes it doesn’t matter if you get older or not, some people age with beauty. Not always, but sometimes. Its been a long time since she was featured in Playboy, and even longer since Poison Ivy, but there’s your sources the next time you find yourself wrongly thinking “that chick is a dog” She’s got that girl next door look down, and she can kick ass, because she was one of Charlie’s Angels. Granted she’s no Lucy Liu, but who is? Other than Lucy I mean. Whatever, she looks good in a bikini too, so fuck off.

Taylor Swift

Ok, the squinty thing I get. But guess what? I think she does that on purpose just to piss us off. If the chick opens her eyes, she actually looks pretty ok. Maybe she thinks squinty is sexy? We’re not judging brains here today, we’re judging looks, and the fact is, she’s young, she’s fit, and she’s pretty. Get over it, she shouldn’t be nominated as ugly. Though I guess some people have weird tastes. I know my tastes are normal, and so therefore they are right. Besides, this is my blog, and I get the power to veto if I want. But the truth is, with these girls you see here, someone says HER! And everyone else went WHAT!?!?!?!? So, for Taylor, she came off the block. Some weren’t so lucky.. We’re getting there.

Pamela Anderson

I think this one was nominated just to piss me off. And it was a success. Some one said “Oh but she doesn’t look good without make up” Bad news fellas, most chicks consider themselves not looking good without make up, therefore don’t judge a book by its pages or something. Fuck that, if they wanna paint their face on, who are we to argue? If it enhances their features, why would we complain. Don’t be stupid, chick takes 4 hrs to get ready, you deal with it, because she she is the provider of nookie. That’s Man Code motherfucker. Chick doesn’t wanna go out in public without her make up? DON’T MAKE HER! Don’t be a fuckstick, and wake the fuck up, self image is important for them as it is for everyone else. Back to Pammy. She’s my girl, and you say she’s photoshopped, I say she’s natural. You say she’s not aging well, and she is plastic? I say surgery can fix that too, and so can money. She’s had a lot of both, so rock n roll mother fucker. I used an actual (dressed) photo of her here just to show: ya know what? She’s still got it, I don’t even know how old she is, and I don’t care. Would I hit it? Fuck that, I’d beg and plead for it.

This concludes our first section. People who were nominated that should not have been. In this next section you might find a couple people like that as well, but I was on the fence about them. So they went to here. In this section you will also find Taco’s Two Cents. Enjoy!

Rebecca Black

This chick is still a minor so I can’t talk too much shit. Sure she’s annoying as fuck and her music sucks.. As far as her looks go, I won’t touch that subject because she’s still a minor.

Taco’s Two Cents: Only a kid, and not terribly ugly, but she is pretty fucking retarded and can’t sing for shit.

Justin Bieber

She still has a lot of growing up to do, and its hard for young women these days, but I have no doubt she will blossom into a beautiful woman, just like those Hanson girls did.

Taco’s Two Cents: She’ll eventually grow up to be a hottie.

Kelly Osbourne

Ok, she was fat, she was annoying, and she was ugly. Guess what though? That shit changed, I’m not even joking. You can look at both of these pictures and see that it’s the same person, but so much has changed, I can’t see her as ugly anymore. Would I hit it? Probably so.

Taco’s Two Cents: She makes me want to cut my cock with rusty utility razors.

 

Madonna

Here’s one of those examples where age has not done her any favors. But remember, she was hot at one point in time. She made you and everyone you know want to strike a pose, so remember that and think on her kindly my friends. Not pretty now, but its enough to keep her off the top ten this time.

Taco’s Two Cents: Old enough that plastic surgery can’t save her now.

Ocotomom

She’s really not famous, she’s notorious. Infamy doesn’t count here. We’re looking for celebs. Sorry. No list.

Taco’s Two Cents: She’s hot if you like to play “Just the head”, and by “head” I mean “the one on your shoulders.”

Jodie Stewart

Imma fuck you till you die. That’s her only claim to fame. Yes, she is grotesque, but she is not a celebrity.

Taco’s Two Cents: Who?! Who is the fucking idiot that suggested this? I don’t know who the fuck she is. Google image search brings up 19 different people in the first 16 images. give me some fucking celebrities to talk about. She was in one movie.

Heather McDonald

Once again we have someone who has a tiny bit of fame and makes the list. I had to Google who she was, therefore she is not famous enough. Fuck, this chick is pretty ugly though.. but sorry, not famous enough.

Taco’s Two Cents: ANGRY! HER NOSE IS ANGRY!

Joy Behar

She is on The View, which makes her an annoying cunt, and yes an ugly one at that. But does that give her the right to be on my list? No, I don’t care what she has to say. Like I said last year: I can’t have sex with your personality and I can’t put my penis in your college degree. That said, shut the fuck up.

Taco’s Two Cents: She needs to realize that if she’s to have a view, she will be given one.

Susan Boyle

Goddamn she is one ugly man woman thing. But she’s not too famous really, not famous enough, not a celeb. But goddamn can she sing. Just close your eyes.

Taco’s Two Cents: hard to hate on someone with such a sweet, sweet voice, but she is pretty fucking ugly.

Helena Bonham Carter

Well yah, this chick is creepy. What kept her off the list? I think this: She dresses ugly on purpose, and makes herself look bad on purpose. That is not a God given trait. Its not like she can’t help that she’s heinously ugly. Quite the opposite, she can’t help that she’s kinda good looking, so she makes herself ugly to make up for it. An interesting ploy and one that’s quite opposite of most celebs. Keeps her off the list, I applaud her.

Taco’s Two Cents: her hair will fucking destroy your soul.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Last years #3! I was surprised she couldn’t make the top ten this year. She is as ugly as she was last year, and she is still Mr. Ed to me. Why is she an Honorable Mention? Because someone nominated her AFTER I officially closed the polls for nominations. Sorry, rules is rules. And though I break rules all the time because rules are retarded, I don’t break my own. Ok that’s a lie, but you don’t get to break mine because I’m an evil dictator of Critique.

Taco’s Two Cents: I’ll let Google search suggestions handle this one: “sarah jessica parker looks like a horse”

Rosie O’donnel

Another surprise late add. Look, these rules are in place because I can and I’m kind of an asshole like that. I said nomination process was over, and you kept going, so last years #7 gets bumped to Honorable mention. Maybe next year, dyke!

Taco’s Two Cents: I just chocked on my own vomit envisioning her naked.

Julianne Moore

This one was on the fence for me, I don’t consider her ugly.. kinda. Sometimes she looks pretty pale, underfed, and terrifying. But this chick can look hot too. Plus she had a smoking hot lesbian scene in the movie Chloe, and yup, boobs. Good for her, not afraid to show it off even though she’s a little older. And guess what? I’d hit it. What, you wouldn’t? Don’t bullshit me.

Taco’s Two Cents: Get the fuck out of here you fucking retarded assholes! You wouldn’t hit it? Puh-lease!

Elsa Patton

I had no idea who this bitch was, but she’s freaky as fuck. An easy number one, if she was actually a celeb and a bit more famous. Good pick, just not famous enough. Scary though, really, really fucking scary. Heinous but not famous.

Taco’s Two Cents: Horrifying.

Rachel Dratch

Another one I had to Google. Then I went, oh yah.. SNL. Yah, she’s ugly, but not famous enough. Sorry. She does look like a frog though.

Taco’s Two Cents: Does being hilarious make up for looks? Not today.

Toni Collette

Again on the fence. She really isn’t that ugly is she? As far as celeb.. famous enough sure, ugly enough.. ehh, yah, its iffy. Not ugly enough for the top ten though, wait till we get to that shit! She does have kind of a dog face though.

Taco’s Two Cents: Gotta disagree. I’d drill it seven ways from Sunday.

 

Susan Sarandon

Not only is she ugly, but she’s also a Communist. Fuck this chick. I wouldn’t do it if I were you.. but you go right ahead. I’m waiting for her to pull a Diane Keaton and do a full frontal nude scene now that she is a senior citizen.

Taco’s Two Cents: She has always looked 65, even when she was 25.

 

Barbara Striesand

Here we have another example of age fucking up what you got going for you. This chick is old, yah, and kinda ugly, yah.. but back in her day.. she wasn’t too bad. Too bad back in her day was a long fucking time ago. You can see proof of that here in this picture where she is describing her pet Velociraptor!

Taco’s Two Cents: She has the convenience of having two extra holes that will accommodate a cock – her nostrils.

Amy Poehler

Here we find the final on the fence girl on the list. Yah, she’s not really very pretty.. but ugliest? Nah. I was on the fence, but decided that her nomination wasn’t so far fetched to land her in the previous category. Still, top ten worthy? Gimme a break.  Yay! SHOTS!

Taco’s Two Cents: Another dumbass suggestion. She’s not a ten, but she’s a solid six, and hilarious.

Martha Stewart

She knows how to shank people now, so don’t talk shit. But seriously, I can’t think of her as hot or ugly, because she makes me think of my granny. Always looking out for people and their appetites. She also looks out for her investments. Fuck it, who cares?

Taco’s Two Cents: Prison sex – nuff said.

Reba McEntire

She’s even uglier when she starts to twang. Can’t stand to look at her, but she has been trying with surgery to get better looking. My mom always said: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone. This is one chick that I’d never let go straight to my bone. Ever.

Taco’s Two Cents: the only thing uglier than her face is hearing her talk.

Sandra Oh

It’s a sad day when I have to say this.. but here is one Asian chick I would not hit. Maybe with a  2x4 if I had to, but to have sex with might be a fate worse than death. As we all know, I’m down with the Asians, but not this chick. Nope. Never. She should change her name to Sandra Oh So Ugly. She was very close to the top ten. Very. I do have a special award for her though: the title of The Ugliest Asian of All Time! Congrats Sandy!

Taco’s Two Cents: She looks like her hip would break if you fucked her.

Oprah

Because Oprah owns the media world, and has more money than most people, under advisement from my lawyer, I won’t talk shit for fear of being sued. But goddamn she’s fucking horrible looking, just saying!

Taco’s Two Cents: No-prah. I wouldn’t fuck it with The Critic’s dick.

 

See what happens when you get a shit load of nominations? Now do you know why I fucking procrastinated on this one? Fuckin A! This is a long ass blog, but we’re finally at the meat of what you wanted to read. Don’t deny yourself the guilty pleasures that lie ahead. And remember, this is your fuckin opinion come to life!

You might be asking yourself as you read this list, how was this list compiled?! The answers is this: These were the most highly nominated people chosen by you, the fans. Then they were voted on. There was a tie between some, that’s where I get to decide the order! See being an evil dictator has its perks! Bam bitch, lets do it!

Renee Zellweger

Good old lemon face. She came in with 1 vote. This chick is a anomaly. She has this banging body (most of the time) and then she has this face. A face only a mother could love. Unlike some where she just has an awesome body and ugly head, Renee takes it a step further, she has an oversized head for her body too. She looks like someone pulled the head off of a linebacker and plopped it right on the shoulders of a skinny girl. How does that even happen? It doesn’t very often, and notably she is the only one on this list where this unfortunate twist has claimed her reality. Without a doubt this bitch is ugly. What is worse is you take that over sized head and make it suck on a lemon for a week and then you put it on camera. Take her last movie I watched, Case 39. Walking around looking like a sexy bodied over sized head with a tiny scrunched up face model. Its wretched. The thought of getting naked with this chick is nauseating unless she has a bag on her head. Unfortunately the reality is, they don’t make bags big enough to go over the cranium of this squinty lemon faced bobble head.

Rhea Pearlman

She ended up with 1 vote as well. Can’t say too much about  this chick that isn’t already known. First off, she’s been around since the Model T was the hottest selling car on the market. Secondly, she has been ugly her whole life. Funny thing about her is that though she gets older, she has found a way to keep from aging. Perhaps she is drinking Dick Clarks blood. Or worse! of course, what kind of chick would you expect to end up married to Danny Devito? Granted, he’s funny as fuck but he’s only about 3 ft 2 inches tall, and as was put in the movie “Twins” he was “the shit left over” – so there you have it. She mated the shit left over. Does she have low standards? Nope, she’s right on par where she should be. She herself is a midget and an ugly as sin one, and so she comes in at number 9 this year. But remember, she’s just as ugly today as she was in the 80s, so hey is she doing something right? Nah, sometimes you just can’t help ugly.

Rosanna Arquette

This chick rounds out the 1 voters. Only one person voted for our first 3 on the list, and so yours truly got to be the deciding factor. Dictator remember? Anyways, I did some searching for this chicks picture, and do you know what I discovered? At one time, and with a bit of photo shop, she wasn’t that bad! Hell I even found some nude pictures of her and she has a nice set of fun bags. BUT THAT CANNOT SAVE HER! The chopping block it is for her as she comes in at number 8! You may know her from such hit movies as Pulp Fiction. Who cares about the rest of the crap she was in. She’s one ugly dame from head to toe (minus the tits)! The scariest thing about her is definitely her face, of course. She looks like she could turn Medussa to stone. Its not the age that’s caught up with her either, it’s the ugly. I think perhaps in the 70s and 80s everyone looked good, it was the cocaine. Nowadays we have assholes like The Critic who are here to remind you just how ugly you really are Rosie. I’m sorry, you need more than cosmetic surgery to save you, you need a new face. She looks like God beat the fuck out of her with the ugly stick. Furthermore, looking at the general shape of her noggin.. I think she might be an alien. Bitch better watch out, by now everyone’s seen Battle Los Angeles and we know how to fucking save our planet! YOUR INVASION WILL FAIL!!!

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Coming in with 2 votes here she is, poor Mags. She represents the most controversial member of our countdown today. How you ask? Well first she was nominated once. Then someone championed her cause to have her not be placed on the list.. then something..unexplainable happened. Another nomination, then another, and another… Until eventually she became the most heavily nominated person on the list! I will admit, I was shocked. I was even more shocked when the voting happened and she only got 2 votes! So for her, she was an early front runner, only to fall to the back of the pack. She won’t win at anything it seems, poor girl. The reality? This is the chick who was so ugly that they decided they couldn’t hire her for another Batman movie and so they had her wacked by the Joker. Can’t say that I blame them, probably what happened is she had too many nuts stuffed in her cheeks already and couldn’t fit one more directors set in them. The fact is, this chick is a talentless chick who likes to wear no bra (which I’m ok with) who looks like she is storing up for winter in her cheeks. When you watch her on screen you just wish she’d would disappear and hibernate for a millennia so when she finally does awake from her eternal sleep you’ll be dead and never have to see her out there again. I’m sorry, lots of people think she’s “cute” but the truth is, she really isn’t. It doesn’t matter how hard she tries, she’ll never be considered a Hollywood beauty.

To make matters worse, she looks like she doesn’t sleep at all. Her eyes are always tired looking, and 99% of the time have ugly bags under them. She has gotten so bad over the past few years, that she’s starting to look like the female version of Steve Buscemi. I’m not joking, look at the pictures. There is a truth there that you can’t deny. They were probably separated at birth. To make an even closer comparison, she looks like the human embodiment of Droopy the Dog.

Fact.

Tilda Swinton

A lot of people commented on this one. I heard it like this: How can you say that? She’s so talented, she’s such a good actress! She is so awesome, and blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan. Here’s the facts, in case you forgot, folks. This is a list for the UGLIEST celebrities. Not the most talentless, worthless celebrities. It doesn’t matter how big of an asshole they are in real life, or how many fucking Oscars they win. If they have an ugly mug, the head goes on the block. And one of the ugliest mugs there are out there is this crazy bull dyke who comes in with two votes to her credits as well. First off, she’s British. This does not help her cause. I invite you to play a game, you can play the easy version or the impossible version. The Easy version is: Name 5 Hot Brits. The impossible version is: Name 10 hot Brits. The fact is, they don’t breed em for looks across the pond, and Tilda is no exception. The good news is, no man on earth has to worry about mating with her, as she goes for the poon just like me. She is not banging Portia so I can’t hate on her like I do Ellen. Hell as far as dyke’s go, she’s ok. However, she is NOT ok to look at. Every time I see her in a movie, I want to take a blowtorch to my eyes and burn them out of the socket so I never have to see anything so ugly again. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is the thought that the last thing I saw was so heinously ugly and I don’t want that image burned into my brain as my eyes get burned out. This chick is so ugly she was able to pull of playing the angel Gabriel in the movie Constantine. If you’re asking “what’s the big deal on that? I told you she’s awesome!” then you’re a fucking idiot because Gabriel is a fucking GUY. So, here was have a dyke who likes pussy as much as a guy and can even pull off playing one in the movies! I swear the whole time I was watching that movie for the first time I was like wtf? Is that a guy? Or a chick? I can’t tell? THAT’S HOW UGLY SHE IS!  So if you’re concerned on whether or not she has talent, take your bitching else where. Today we’re glorifying her lack of good looks, and the fact that she landed herself on this list is proof that’s in her plumb pudding, chap! She’s our number one ugly redhead on the list, but in case you think I’m having some kind of hate for redheads, you obviously don’t know me that well, but if you do, as you can see here, she is even ugly as a blonde. So fuck off.

Time for the top five! Are you ready bitch? No.. ok.. I’ll wait..

Ok now? Awesome! Let’s go motherfuckers!

Whoopi Goldberg

The top five is decisive. No more tiebreakers for me, the evil dictator to decide. This is a good thing, because I’m rather lazy and don’t want to do more work than I have to, so coming in at number 5 with 7 votes to her name, we have Whoopi. You gotta kinda feel bad for a chick like her. She’s not pretty, she’s never been pretty, but she’s been all over. In movies, in television, on talk shows, game shows, stand up comedy circuits, you name it. She appeals to nerds from her days on Star Trek, she appeals to kids from her days on Captain Planet.. She appeals to dykes and women everywhere as she has replaced the bull dyke Rosie on The View. That show is out for one thing, to make dumb women seem like their opinion matters, and Whoopi is no exception. First off, no one really wants to see her nappy (yah I said nappy) dreds anymore, she looks like she has a tarantula on her head.. She has this face that looks like it could launch a thousand ships.. but unlike Helen of Troy, the thousand ships launch in a war to exterminate her. Here’s why she is so ugly.. She doesn’t look like a chick at all. She has aged just fine, just like Rhea, she remains ugly her whole life, but every time I see her, I have to remind myself that she is in fact a female. She looks like Bob Marley without the beard. Just saying. Even with her doing my favorite pose, I can’t see it as attractive. Sorry Whoopi, loved you on Hollywood squares, you’re witty and fun, but most ugly chicks are. Ever notice that? Ugly chicks are funny, they’re cool to hang out with, they’re witty, and become great friends… because you never want to have sex with them. That’s  Whoopi in a nutshell.

Hillary Swank

Shock. Disappointment. These are the feelings I get when I think of her, our 2010 queen of the uglies.. falling to number four. What a disgrace. She comes in with 10 votes. Her reign was a solid one for the past year, and lets go back, American Idol style, and remind you what her tenure as Queen was like. She was voted in as queen, the happiest day of her ugly life. She then went on to further her career as an ugly chick portraying ugly chicks, who are either born ugly (Amelia) or an Ugly dyke who likes chicks. (Boys Don’t Cry) That’s right, our Swanknasty is so ugly, she can pull of pretending to be a dude, and she can do it even better than Tilda Swinton. Amazed? Bullshit. This chick has a face not even her mother loves. Fuck the ugly stick, she looks like she was run over by the ugly truck, who then backed up over her and put it in park. The thing about Hillary to remember is, and this is sad.. but she has a SMOKIN HOT BOD. Seriously, the chick works out, she has nice boobs, and even better, I bet with the lights out she’s awesome in bed because no one has ever wanted to have sex with her before. So hey, she’s not a hoe. Maybe not by choice, but you take what you can get. And the good news is, bags do fit over her giant forehead to cover up her face, making her quite attractive. The impressive thing of her, is she is the only returning top ten member from last year. Shocking to me too.

However, it was a good year for the queen of 2010, she led the uglies into a new dawn, a new era. Where as she was so dominate last year, she showed other celebs that its OK to be ugly. And so these ugly celebs came out of the wood work, in droves of insurmountable numbers, and their popularity and notoriety soared, thus leaving our Queen with too much competition to hold on to her crown. Excellent job, Swanky, and good luck getting your crown back. You’re not out of the running, but you’d better do something this next year to show off just how nasty we all know you are. And for the record, you still got my vote. *gag*

Sandra Burnhart

This is where the top really started to separate themselves, starting with her dominating 7 votes more than the Swank.. Coming in with 17 votes, she takes 3rd place. She was holding second for a while, but a late surge put our second place finisher ahead… but we’ll get there.. Sandra. You’ve seen her everywhere. She is a comedian, she has been in movies, she’s been on tv, and if you’re asking yourself who this chick is.. then all you need to know is that chick who is really snarly! That’s it, HER. She’s funny, she’s raunchy, and she too likes the poon. I feel a camaraderie with dykes. We have similar interests. Only a rich one like her get its more than me. BITCH! She hasn’t stolen anyone of importance from mankind though, so we don’t have to hate her. The funny thing is, no matter the role she lands, its always the same character, usually a dyke, and a mean one. Raunchy, nasty.. but funny. Remember what I said about ugly chicks earlier? I bet Sandy and me would be really good friends. Alas we don’t run in the same circles, as I don’t go to gay bars anymore. That said, this chick looks like she climbed straight out of hell, it’s the only way you can get that ugly. She has a gap so big in her front teeth that you could park a truck between it. She has an ugly voice, and everytime I look at her, I can’t help but vomit a little bit. I try to think of her as she could be seductive. And I can’t. I imagine she’s the guy in the relationship. Prolly does the fish hook move too. Just saying. She looks like she fell down a flight of stairs and hit every step in her face and ultimately ended up landing on her face but when it came time for reconstructive surgery she just said fuck it. Her nose looks like it did 15 rounds with Tyson. Hell, her over all look says “I CAN EAT YOUR SOUL!” When I go to hell, this is what I’ll see all over. Demons with her face. So hail to you, Sandy, who has made a career out of being “the ugly one” on tv and such. Way to work with what God didn’t give you.

Lady Gaga

Last year she was mentioned on our Honorable Mention list, saying she was too new to the scene, and we’ll give her time. We gave her time, this year, in a late surge, she edged out Sandra by one vote, bringing home #2 with an impressive 18 votes. I’m not really sure how to begin describing Lady Gaga. First off, as we all know, she has a penis. that doesn’t disqualify her today. Secondly her music licks the glory hole of a camel. Do we care about her shitty singing? FUCK NO! We care about how just looking at her, she scares the fuck out of us. First off, she wears things she shouldn’t. Every time I see her on tv, I expect a testicle to pop out the side of her skimpy outfits. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet. Furthermore her costumes are rather weird. So she’s going for a female version of Marilyn Manson. Only scarier. Fuck this chick. You don’t have to know a thing about her to look at her and say nothing but “eeewww” my gag reflex kicks into overdrive every time I see her.

Gaga is the kinda chick that if you see her at the bar, you have to not only get your wingman to take one for the team, but you also have to pay him to do so. Even people who have no standards wouldn’t try to get sexual with her, even if they DIDN’T know she had a penis, they STILL wouldn’t. This is not a face a mother could love, this it not even a face an unbiased nun at an orphanage would love. The bad news is this. We do not have a future to look forward to. Madonna, though ugly now, was once good looking. Gaga, who is ugly now, will not get better with age, its not like she is a fine wine or something.. its only going to get worse. The only solution is to pray for an early grave or gouge out your own eyes with a spoon.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for..

Donatella Versace

Her dominance in the election was clear and decisive. No one could touch her. She jumped out to an early lead, and rode that bitch like the cheap whore she is all the way to the winners circle. Coming in with a whoming 65 votes.. Your number one, picked by you. Who is Donatella you ask? Well she is a fashion designer for the label, duuhh, Versace! So she’s been out there, on tv, in the news, in a couple movies. She’s famous enough to make the list, though just barely.. but the real deal is, this chick is as ugly as it gets. She was ugly before the plastic surgery and worse after.

I won’t lie. Looking at who you, the people, picked as your winner, makes me want to shag Hillary Swank by comparison. So I can’t lie and say you picked the wrong .. girl? … thing. So this thing is rich, and she has proven that money can’t buy everything, and if you are born ugly, you will remain ugly no matter what you pay for. Though she’s shelled out money hand over fist to become attractive it just never will happen. She makes me think of that guy from the Goonies.. you know, Sloth. Goddamn this bitch is ugly, but her rise to ugly dominance is clear, as ugly women all over the world have already aspired to be like her. Who? Who you say, would want to do that, would use that kind of ugly as an example of the greatness they could be come? How about.. our number 2.. Lady Gaga. the pictures are proof, aren’t they?

The really amazing thing is this woman is a “fashion icon” in the real world. What? How can you take fashion advice from someone who is.. pardon my French.. Really fucking ugly? It makes not one bit of sense, but if you look at our praise for these Celebs these days, that doesn’t either. The fact that we care what they wear to some awards show, or a movie premier is rather retarded, and to fuel it all, this thing is at the front running for the greatest fanshionista in the world. That just explains how fucked up our system of beliefs are, and therefore it makes total sense that she is in the position she is. Fashion and celebs and the mix of the two and the importance we place on them is just as retarded as praising them in the first place, so welcome with me our new queen of the retards, the Ugliest Female Celebrity of 2011, in an industry we shouldn’t give a flying fuck about, in the article that won’t be published by people magazine because the truth is too much for most people to handle. But not you, my lovelies, you have nailed this coffin shut. With that, I bid you all a good day, keep promoting the retarded uglies, and next year we’ll see if her reign is supreme or if she will be dethroned  the way our Swanky was this year.