Summer Vacation, bitch!!

Hello my friends. Remember me? Its been a very long time since we’ve been together and I must confess.. I’ve missed you. Have you missed me too?

Well thats not very nice.. but I just..well I.. but.. Just let me explain!

Fine, here we go. An explination.  its summer time, bitches, and I’m one busy jungle dwelling treehouse living cracka! Thats right, cr1ck3e enjoys the summer vacation too! I’ve done lots of things this summer, but I’ve made a promise before we go on about the greatness of summer vacation. I have made a promise to you, my loyal lovelies, in a few different emails.. so my one mention of it is here. This story.. as long as it is, will be delightfully free of the mention of my totally awesome jeep. You know who you are, and you’re welcome. ON WITH THE MOTHA FUCKIN SHOW!!!!!

Summer vacation has been around since the time of Moses. Don’t believe me? Why do you think they were wandering lost in the wilderness for so long? Too much partying.  Well growing up, I too partook in summer vacation. For my twenty two years of grade school before dropping out in the 3rd grade, I spent many years of summer vacation. This makes me not only an expert on the subject matter at hand, but also a proficiant practicer of the art of fucking off for months and sometimes years at a time. Now that we have that clear, lets get to whats important!

And now for the excuses reasons as to why my blog has been silent since May. I have been busy fucking off..taking a nap..WORKING! Yes, thats it, I have been working, and now I am here working hard to bring you to the truth once again, but since you’re wondering what I’ve been doing all summer so far.. lets talk about the important things I’ve been doing.

 

I have spent a lot of time driving around this land locked hell hole we here call home, but I’ve been doing it in such a way thats fantastical that i also promised i would not talk about.  

 

As you all know, I was once a DJ on the radio, this means I have a deep love for music in its purest form. One of the greatest things to do during the summer, while you’re busy being as unproductive as possible, you listen to music. cr1ck3e is no exception to this rule! I do so love lots of music, even if I hate american Idol with a passion. So to combine my love for music and my hate for idol, i decided to listen to lots of music from one of the more talented contestants on that show! And I think that contestant was pleased that I did!

Now, world cup soccer has been going on. Or if you’re from anywhere other than the usa, you call it football. (which makes more sense than soccer) i too love watching world cup, and have spent many hours cheering on teams which have been eliminated already as the finale approaches, but the whole point is, to watch is a wonderful thing. If you don’t think world cup is awesome, theres something wrong with you.

What would summer be without fun in the sun and a bit of RnR on the beach? One can have a lot of fun in a land locked hell hole that does not include a beach, but summer without the beach eats the ass out of one of those crazy looking blue ass baboons. And it is for that reason, that your hero travelled to a place where there was beach. Unfortunately, as you can see, the paparazzi follows me where ever I go. this is why I rarely leave home, and only eat bugs i find in the dirt out back. 

Summer vacation in its truest form, was invented so the children could help with the crops though, so essentially.. It was invented for WORK, and so, I too, decided to do some work. Important work.

Thus, we nine companions set out from Rivendale, but we were seperated from the short gay kids and those creepy older guys. This is when the fun began, because me and a few thousand awesome bastards raised an army and we pillaged saved the world! Thats right, you didnt even know it happened, but your lives were totally saved. You’re welcome.

But summertime is way to busy to stand around and take pictures of every thing that happens so that about wraps up my summer in pictures. I know you’re sad, but life goes on! Besides, summer isnt over yet.. I just wanted to show you proof, truthful reasons why I missed the last month worth of blogging before we continue on to the real meat of the program. Besides, 90% of all blogs showcase pictures and stories of shit that happens to people and so why should I be totally different? And so, there you have, the ultimate reasons why I said NO! to the month of June.  

Vacationing.

This takes us to the next point of importance. Vacationing is one of the ultimate ways to relax, but also one of the biggest ways to show off you’re an asshole. This is also why I love to vacation.

For instance, when you are here…  you’re probably having a great time. The average person does not think about what is going on back home. I do. Call it sick, twisted, perverted or otherwise, but I wonder what is life like for my friends back home right now?

Because I know what it was like when I left, and I know that it is very likely they are still experiencing this… Which brings us to one of the biggest asshole moves of all eternity. This is a move I always do when vacationing in situations like this. I do it, you probably do too.. and it makes you an asshole as well. Welcome to the club, I’m the president.

Postcards.

Theres no bigger asshole move then to remind people who are stuck back home working their asses off.. where exactly you are, and how nice it is for you there. Its the ultimate satisfaction while you’re on vacation, and therefore, you always do it. Some people think its nice to send a postcard from where they are.. those people are dumbshits who typically have no clue as to how much their so called friends hate them. Its a beautiful thing, and when you get home, all you do is talk about how much fun you had and then you ask: did you get the card i sent?! Why yes, I did actually, and i fucking hate you for it. i wish the sun would have ignited your face while you were there so i’d never have to speak to you again you cock sucking prostitue eating stain of life! 

Since I have a firm grasp on reality and know that most people hate me for my insight and ability to mock their over zealous work habits, i always send as many postcards as possible. The last time I went on a vacation, i sent five postcards to everyone i knew each day i was there. Each one said the same thing, I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN! I KNOW YOU ARE NOT BUT BE HAPPY FOR ME! KTHXBYE!

Cards cards cards. They all suck. Postcards, playing cards, flash cards, and greeting cards. Seems like no matter what time of year it is, you cannot escape a day where a card should be sent. Greeting cards especially piss me off. If there was one thing in this world i could abolish without any denial, it would not be hunger, disease, or war.. It would be Scott Stapp. If there were two things, it’d be Scott Stapp and greeting cards. Followed by French Canadia.

Seems like for whatever occasion happens, you should include a card. As a male, I often fail at this task miserably. Ladies, here’s a secret about men you should know. We don’t give a flying fuck about greeting cards, and the fact that you do is not only recoculous, but we also don’t understand why. Its true, i’m sorry. We don’t give a fuck about cards, and neither should you do. But you do, and we want to get laid, so we go to the card isle at the super market. Its daunting and scary. If there is a hell where I will not rule, it will be Walmart’s card isle. An eternity of indecisiveness staring at what seems to be the same card redesigned 43 fucking times so we *think* theres an important choice to make, when really you can pick any one of them because essentially they all say the same damn thing. Lets take the important cards first.

Birthdays. How many different ways are there to say Happy Motha Fucking Birthday? My love, happy birthday- the sappy way. Hey you old motherfucker, happy birthday! – the funny way. The abligatory, heres a picture of someone who is sexy as fuck and you’ll never get to touch them card. (which i always get, because they are total asshole move.. not only does it say happy birthday, but it also says you’re a star trek loving dickwad who gets no play) Don’t forget the to my *insert family member relation here* on your birthday. Its bullshit. So for a woman, we get the “To you my love, on your birthday. The earth sighed and the angels sang the day you came to this world, just as my heart did the day you entered my world.” Aww, how mother fuckin sweet.. and.. we.. SCOOOOREE!!! GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! So you get something similar for us, because we’re so sensative and loving. Want a good birthday card idea for next year, ladies? Get a sharpie. Keep it, because you’re going to use it a lot. Across your boobs write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Thats the card a man really wants. Ahh this is so educational! LETS KEEP GOING!"

Christmas. Thats right, we’re covering the big ones! Christmas cards are also the same fucking thing repeated in lots of different idiotic ways, however- they are festive! That makes the FUN! Right? theres santa, theres frosty. Happy Anti-Jew Holiday! Merry Hope an Obese Man Comes Down Your Chimney Day! Sometimes if you go to the right place, you see Happy Birthday Jesus!! But who do you send that card to really? Again though, we find ourselves in the isle looking for that card that tells our lady friends “I’m buying you this awesome card so you’ll give me some Christmas sex even though we’re in your parent's trailer!” So, the translation of that is something like “To the one I love on this most festive of days.. The greatest gift this season is the love we share.. “ We give the card with a shy smile that speaks  volumes, and those volumes read, “I HOPE I SPENT ENOUGH TO GET ME SOME!” So ladies, its card time for you! What do you pick! IT DOESNT MATTER! We don’t give a hot goddamn! But if you really want to give us a greeting card that will drive us wild, do it like this, remember.. its christmas, so lets be festive ok! You take that same sharpie that you bought before and you use it. On your inner thighs you write “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”

Your man will love you for eternity. And you will be a Christmas Hero!

The final major card giving day that we all loathe the most is upon us, and it is not only over done, and overly commercialized.. but it also is the greatest bullshit day in the calendar year. Valentine’s Day. Men hate Valentine’s day, and we hate it because its not FOR us. How selfish, women have their own personal holiday that screams LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! We don’t like this. Its because we scratch ourselves inappropriately in public, we make rude noises and we smell funny. But on this day, we’re going to dress up, we’re going to shower, we’re going to buy flowers, we’re going to buy some bling, and we’re gonna give you that fucking card that you’re craving so badly! This trip down the isle is horrible, because every card is red and that makes it even harder to choose which variation of the same few sentences. There’s a method I use, boys, allow me to introduce you to it. First, close your eyes, this kind of card you don’t pick with your eyes, you pick it with your heart, you trust that FEELING! So close your fuckin eyes. Not right now, dipshit! Ok, so your eyes are closed, and then your spin in circles until you can barely stand. Yes, this is the truth as to how i pick one. THen you stop spinning and keep your eyes SHUT! This is very important, keep, your. eyes. closed. You stumble, you reach for something to steady yourself, but no, you’re not steadying yourself, you’re steadying your heart boys. Reach out, and as you stumble like Lindsay Lohan after a night of 3 bottles of tequilla and 15 guys, your finally going to touch a card. Pull it off the shelf. this is the perfect card, your heart lead you to it. It was a FEELING! Good news, it reads, “To the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. On this day of love, no words can truly express the overwhelming fullness my heart beats out with every thump with each thought of you. Each glance, each smile, each touch. I love you more now than ever before, and my cup; though brimming to overflowing, grows to bursting as my heart grows with love for you each and every day. I love you, Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Goddamn I should work for Hallmark, are you reading this shit?  I’m fucking good. Funny, I havent had a real valentine since 1974. Hmm. Anyways, we rarely get a card, because Valentine’s Day is NOT for us, but if you want to give us something we’ll truly enjoy, then get out that sharpie again, this time, words do not describe your love and our lust. Be artistic, draw hearts. You know where.

Since women get their own day, we too should get ours. I know you’ve gotten the text just like me. March 20th. MAN’S LOVE-ISH TYPE HOLIDAY! Its called, Cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day! I’ve noticed Walmart does not carry a card, so with the help of the printing press I bought for PEWP, I have started to toss out cards for this day. Ladies, this is the one day where you don’t have to get naked and graffiti your body for us. You can give us a card, because to follow should only be a Steak and a BlowJob. So here it is, the unveiling for you all! Tadaaa! Isn’t it great? For inquiries on price and shipping for the one card that expresses true love to your man, please feel free to email me. I’ll be happy to give you prices, and new designs are coming out EVERY FUCKIN DAY! Happy happy happy!!!!

As we wrap up this return to blogging, there was another subject I wanted to approach. How about vacation food? Summer Food? Am I talking about the BBQ? Nope, I’m talking about the one thing you can do to keep yourself from cooking, and thats some fucking Pizza. I know, its a stretch to make it fit, but i figured I’d give you some filler since its been a long time since I wrote. Do you see how much I love you all? LOVE LOVE LOVE! Wheres my fucking steak?

Pizza places rock, and we should give them glory, besides, I just realized all the drivers are either meth addicts who need money for their fix or COLLEGE STUDENTS HOME FOR SUMMER! Thats right, we’re supporting summer now! Huzzah!

I like Pizza Hut. Its good, its hand tossed and they have the meat lovers, not to be confused with the title of Adam Lamberts next album.   

Pizza Hut’s best feature though, is easily the meat lovers pizza. it is covered in carnivorous goodness, and it is quite filling. if you’ve never had one before, then I think you might have spent your life under a rock.

Domino’s Pizza is a glorious thing. I’ve had it more times than I can count, but thats also because I suck at my abc’s and therefore cannot count passed the letter three. Their thin crust is easily the best of all thin crusts.. but they also have the garlic breaded crust which is fantastical. Order one today, but remember, never tip the delivery guy. Thats right, they add in delivery fee’s anymore, and so its not worth your time to tip unless its snowing like a crazy bastard outside, and then you tip like this, “Hey, get a better job!”

Papa John’s. Papa has one downside when compared to the other moguls of mozzarella, and thats the price. They tend to cost a bit more, but is it worth it? FUCK YES! Because sometimes you just want the Papa in your mouth. Wait. But it also comes with the awesome garlic butter dipping stuff. now heres a truth you may not know about me.. I typically don’t eat crust. Its horrible, I know, but it is also true. I like to share my crust with the dogs, and they appreciate me for it. How do they show their appreciation? They, with love, eat my bluray cases. but when the papa is in the house, they get NO CRUST FROM ME! The poor bastards cry. Then with anger, they eat my bluray cases. But another plus of the Papa’s Pizza is that it comes with a couple peperocini’s which are like spicy heaven to your tongue. Now, the real question is.. does the dipping shtuff and pepperocini’s make up the difference for the cost? Fuck no. But hey, one time, I ordered a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza and it fucked up my guts for like a week straight. That is worth the cost. Every time.

The final pizza place to cover is the one who sucks total ass. Papa Murphy’s. I’ve known people who swear by this place, and all i can say is.. wait, what the fuck? WHY?! Take n Bake. We’re gonna roll out some dough put shit on it and then sell it to you at too high of a price and you’re going to have to work for that pizza bitch, go home and COOK IT! Fuck you. Theres nothing worse than ordering a pizza, going to pick it up, paying too much, and then you have to drive the 20 minutes back home and wait another half an hour before you get to fucking eat. Who the fuck does this? Why does papa murphys exist? Because it totally shouldnt. anyone who buys a pizza from there deserves to have their eyes ripped out and force fed to them with a spork because they saw something on tv they thought was great. they tried it once, and then kept diong it. its like drug addiction, you only do it because you’re totally stupid, you fucking idiot. No one sells me a pizza i have to work for. EVER. I’ve already worked for it, you son of a bitch, the proof is that Andy Jackson sitting in the palm of your hand. So remember kids, just say NO to Papa Murphys, they are the anti pizza place that really is sadistic and hates you.

Disclaimer: On a note of drug addiction, that does not include cigarettes, because as everyone knows, cigarettes make you look cool.

And on a final note, summer blockbusters!

This years big blockbuster totally is worth going to see, riiigghht?

Thats right, this year the twilight saga continues. The real saga is why hasnt Rob Pattinson’s head fallen off. I mean, Look at his hair.. it keeps getting bigger and bigger. He has quickly reached the level of douche status that Brett Michaels took a career to get to! This story is so lovely though, remember what I say… Bella and Jacob. Doggie Style. Maybe Snoops on the soundtrack? Heres a question. I’ve noticed people walk around with “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” paraphenailia on.. My question is, haven’t all the fans out there read the books? Because, if you have read the books then you already know that this team jacob shit is really retarded, because he loses. It’d be like me driving around with a John Kerry 4 Prez sticker on my car. I’m not going to do that. I mean, I never did support that cum stain, but even if i HAD i would have taken the sticker off by now, wouldn’t you? Its like driving around saying, “HI! I SUPPORT LOSERS!” So, here’s a salute to all you Team Jacob fanbois.

You are retarded.

But, then again, so are the Team Edwards. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship, I don’t want someone cheering me on. Fact is, I don’t need cheering, and I can’t be in relationships ANYWAYS due to that thing with the FBI investigation back in 93. Nevermind. Go see the movie, i’m sure its just as horrible as the book was, which on my grade scale did get an amazing F+ which was not a stretch at all, it was straight honesty. But, just like with greetingcards.. thats right fella’s, you get to take your girl to see it. Why? Because that kind of love is so powerful, that maybe if she’s a team jacober, you can hit it doggie style later. If she’s Team Edward, she’ll just bitch at you, but hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll thank you with an impromptu cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day!

Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!