Summer Vacation, bitch!!

Hello my friends. Remember me? Its been a very long time since we’ve been together and I must confess.. I’ve missed you. Have you missed me too?

Well thats not very nice.. but I just..well I.. but.. Just let me explain!

Fine, here we go. An explination.  its summer time, bitches, and I’m one busy jungle dwelling treehouse living cracka! Thats right, cr1ck3e enjoys the summer vacation too! I’ve done lots of things this summer, but I’ve made a promise before we go on about the greatness of summer vacation. I have made a promise to you, my loyal lovelies, in a few different emails.. so my one mention of it is here. This story.. as long as it is, will be delightfully free of the mention of my totally awesome jeep. You know who you are, and you’re welcome. ON WITH THE MOTHA FUCKIN SHOW!!!!!

Summer vacation has been around since the time of Moses. Don’t believe me? Why do you think they were wandering lost in the wilderness for so long? Too much partying.  Well growing up, I too partook in summer vacation. For my twenty two years of grade school before dropping out in the 3rd grade, I spent many years of summer vacation. This makes me not only an expert on the subject matter at hand, but also a proficiant practicer of the art of fucking off for months and sometimes years at a time. Now that we have that clear, lets get to whats important!

And now for the excuses reasons as to why my blog has been silent since May. I have been busy fucking off..taking a nap..WORKING! Yes, thats it, I have been working, and now I am here working hard to bring you to the truth once again, but since you’re wondering what I’ve been doing all summer so far.. lets talk about the important things I’ve been doing.

 

I have spent a lot of time driving around this land locked hell hole we here call home, but I’ve been doing it in such a way thats fantastical that i also promised i would not talk about.  

 

As you all know, I was once a DJ on the radio, this means I have a deep love for music in its purest form. One of the greatest things to do during the summer, while you’re busy being as unproductive as possible, you listen to music. cr1ck3e is no exception to this rule! I do so love lots of music, even if I hate american Idol with a passion. So to combine my love for music and my hate for idol, i decided to listen to lots of music from one of the more talented contestants on that show! And I think that contestant was pleased that I did!

Now, world cup soccer has been going on. Or if you’re from anywhere other than the usa, you call it football. (which makes more sense than soccer) i too love watching world cup, and have spent many hours cheering on teams which have been eliminated already as the finale approaches, but the whole point is, to watch is a wonderful thing. If you don’t think world cup is awesome, theres something wrong with you.

What would summer be without fun in the sun and a bit of RnR on the beach? One can have a lot of fun in a land locked hell hole that does not include a beach, but summer without the beach eats the ass out of one of those crazy looking blue ass baboons. And it is for that reason, that your hero travelled to a place where there was beach. Unfortunately, as you can see, the paparazzi follows me where ever I go. this is why I rarely leave home, and only eat bugs i find in the dirt out back. 

Summer vacation in its truest form, was invented so the children could help with the crops though, so essentially.. It was invented for WORK, and so, I too, decided to do some work. Important work.

Thus, we nine companions set out from Rivendale, but we were seperated from the short gay kids and those creepy older guys. This is when the fun began, because me and a few thousand awesome bastards raised an army and we pillaged saved the world! Thats right, you didnt even know it happened, but your lives were totally saved. You’re welcome.

But summertime is way to busy to stand around and take pictures of every thing that happens so that about wraps up my summer in pictures. I know you’re sad, but life goes on! Besides, summer isnt over yet.. I just wanted to show you proof, truthful reasons why I missed the last month worth of blogging before we continue on to the real meat of the program. Besides, 90% of all blogs showcase pictures and stories of shit that happens to people and so why should I be totally different? And so, there you have, the ultimate reasons why I said NO! to the month of June.  

Vacationing.

This takes us to the next point of importance. Vacationing is one of the ultimate ways to relax, but also one of the biggest ways to show off you’re an asshole. This is also why I love to vacation.

For instance, when you are here…  you’re probably having a great time. The average person does not think about what is going on back home. I do. Call it sick, twisted, perverted or otherwise, but I wonder what is life like for my friends back home right now?

Because I know what it was like when I left, and I know that it is very likely they are still experiencing this… Which brings us to one of the biggest asshole moves of all eternity. This is a move I always do when vacationing in situations like this. I do it, you probably do too.. and it makes you an asshole as well. Welcome to the club, I’m the president.

Postcards.

Theres no bigger asshole move then to remind people who are stuck back home working their asses off.. where exactly you are, and how nice it is for you there. Its the ultimate satisfaction while you’re on vacation, and therefore, you always do it. Some people think its nice to send a postcard from where they are.. those people are dumbshits who typically have no clue as to how much their so called friends hate them. Its a beautiful thing, and when you get home, all you do is talk about how much fun you had and then you ask: did you get the card i sent?! Why yes, I did actually, and i fucking hate you for it. i wish the sun would have ignited your face while you were there so i’d never have to speak to you again you cock sucking prostitue eating stain of life! 

Since I have a firm grasp on reality and know that most people hate me for my insight and ability to mock their over zealous work habits, i always send as many postcards as possible. The last time I went on a vacation, i sent five postcards to everyone i knew each day i was there. Each one said the same thing, I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN! I KNOW YOU ARE NOT BUT BE HAPPY FOR ME! KTHXBYE!

Cards cards cards. They all suck. Postcards, playing cards, flash cards, and greeting cards. Seems like no matter what time of year it is, you cannot escape a day where a card should be sent. Greeting cards especially piss me off. If there was one thing in this world i could abolish without any denial, it would not be hunger, disease, or war.. It would be Scott Stapp. If there were two things, it’d be Scott Stapp and greeting cards. Followed by French Canadia.

Seems like for whatever occasion happens, you should include a card. As a male, I often fail at this task miserably. Ladies, here’s a secret about men you should know. We don’t give a flying fuck about greeting cards, and the fact that you do is not only recoculous, but we also don’t understand why. Its true, i’m sorry. We don’t give a fuck about cards, and neither should you do. But you do, and we want to get laid, so we go to the card isle at the super market. Its daunting and scary. If there is a hell where I will not rule, it will be Walmart’s card isle. An eternity of indecisiveness staring at what seems to be the same card redesigned 43 fucking times so we *think* theres an important choice to make, when really you can pick any one of them because essentially they all say the same damn thing. Lets take the important cards first.

Birthdays. How many different ways are there to say Happy Motha Fucking Birthday? My love, happy birthday- the sappy way. Hey you old motherfucker, happy birthday! – the funny way. The abligatory, heres a picture of someone who is sexy as fuck and you’ll never get to touch them card. (which i always get, because they are total asshole move.. not only does it say happy birthday, but it also says you’re a star trek loving dickwad who gets no play) Don’t forget the to my *insert family member relation here* on your birthday. Its bullshit. So for a woman, we get the “To you my love, on your birthday. The earth sighed and the angels sang the day you came to this world, just as my heart did the day you entered my world.” Aww, how mother fuckin sweet.. and.. we.. SCOOOOREE!!! GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! So you get something similar for us, because we’re so sensative and loving. Want a good birthday card idea for next year, ladies? Get a sharpie. Keep it, because you’re going to use it a lot. Across your boobs write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Thats the card a man really wants. Ahh this is so educational! LETS KEEP GOING!"

Christmas. Thats right, we’re covering the big ones! Christmas cards are also the same fucking thing repeated in lots of different idiotic ways, however- they are festive! That makes the FUN! Right? theres santa, theres frosty. Happy Anti-Jew Holiday! Merry Hope an Obese Man Comes Down Your Chimney Day! Sometimes if you go to the right place, you see Happy Birthday Jesus!! But who do you send that card to really? Again though, we find ourselves in the isle looking for that card that tells our lady friends “I’m buying you this awesome card so you’ll give me some Christmas sex even though we’re in your parent's trailer!” So, the translation of that is something like “To the one I love on this most festive of days.. The greatest gift this season is the love we share.. “ We give the card with a shy smile that speaks  volumes, and those volumes read, “I HOPE I SPENT ENOUGH TO GET ME SOME!” So ladies, its card time for you! What do you pick! IT DOESNT MATTER! We don’t give a hot goddamn! But if you really want to give us a greeting card that will drive us wild, do it like this, remember.. its christmas, so lets be festive ok! You take that same sharpie that you bought before and you use it. On your inner thighs you write “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”

Your man will love you for eternity. And you will be a Christmas Hero!

The final major card giving day that we all loathe the most is upon us, and it is not only over done, and overly commercialized.. but it also is the greatest bullshit day in the calendar year. Valentine’s Day. Men hate Valentine’s day, and we hate it because its not FOR us. How selfish, women have their own personal holiday that screams LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! We don’t like this. Its because we scratch ourselves inappropriately in public, we make rude noises and we smell funny. But on this day, we’re going to dress up, we’re going to shower, we’re going to buy flowers, we’re going to buy some bling, and we’re gonna give you that fucking card that you’re craving so badly! This trip down the isle is horrible, because every card is red and that makes it even harder to choose which variation of the same few sentences. There’s a method I use, boys, allow me to introduce you to it. First, close your eyes, this kind of card you don’t pick with your eyes, you pick it with your heart, you trust that FEELING! So close your fuckin eyes. Not right now, dipshit! Ok, so your eyes are closed, and then your spin in circles until you can barely stand. Yes, this is the truth as to how i pick one. THen you stop spinning and keep your eyes SHUT! This is very important, keep, your. eyes. closed. You stumble, you reach for something to steady yourself, but no, you’re not steadying yourself, you’re steadying your heart boys. Reach out, and as you stumble like Lindsay Lohan after a night of 3 bottles of tequilla and 15 guys, your finally going to touch a card. Pull it off the shelf. this is the perfect card, your heart lead you to it. It was a FEELING! Good news, it reads, “To the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. On this day of love, no words can truly express the overwhelming fullness my heart beats out with every thump with each thought of you. Each glance, each smile, each touch. I love you more now than ever before, and my cup; though brimming to overflowing, grows to bursting as my heart grows with love for you each and every day. I love you, Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Goddamn I should work for Hallmark, are you reading this shit?  I’m fucking good. Funny, I havent had a real valentine since 1974. Hmm. Anyways, we rarely get a card, because Valentine’s Day is NOT for us, but if you want to give us something we’ll truly enjoy, then get out that sharpie again, this time, words do not describe your love and our lust. Be artistic, draw hearts. You know where.

Since women get their own day, we too should get ours. I know you’ve gotten the text just like me. March 20th. MAN’S LOVE-ISH TYPE HOLIDAY! Its called, Cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day! I’ve noticed Walmart does not carry a card, so with the help of the printing press I bought for PEWP, I have started to toss out cards for this day. Ladies, this is the one day where you don’t have to get naked and graffiti your body for us. You can give us a card, because to follow should only be a Steak and a BlowJob. So here it is, the unveiling for you all! Tadaaa! Isn’t it great? For inquiries on price and shipping for the one card that expresses true love to your man, please feel free to email me. I’ll be happy to give you prices, and new designs are coming out EVERY FUCKIN DAY! Happy happy happy!!!!

As we wrap up this return to blogging, there was another subject I wanted to approach. How about vacation food? Summer Food? Am I talking about the BBQ? Nope, I’m talking about the one thing you can do to keep yourself from cooking, and thats some fucking Pizza. I know, its a stretch to make it fit, but i figured I’d give you some filler since its been a long time since I wrote. Do you see how much I love you all? LOVE LOVE LOVE! Wheres my fucking steak?

Pizza places rock, and we should give them glory, besides, I just realized all the drivers are either meth addicts who need money for their fix or COLLEGE STUDENTS HOME FOR SUMMER! Thats right, we’re supporting summer now! Huzzah!

I like Pizza Hut. Its good, its hand tossed and they have the meat lovers, not to be confused with the title of Adam Lamberts next album.   

Pizza Hut’s best feature though, is easily the meat lovers pizza. it is covered in carnivorous goodness, and it is quite filling. if you’ve never had one before, then I think you might have spent your life under a rock.

Domino’s Pizza is a glorious thing. I’ve had it more times than I can count, but thats also because I suck at my abc’s and therefore cannot count passed the letter three. Their thin crust is easily the best of all thin crusts.. but they also have the garlic breaded crust which is fantastical. Order one today, but remember, never tip the delivery guy. Thats right, they add in delivery fee’s anymore, and so its not worth your time to tip unless its snowing like a crazy bastard outside, and then you tip like this, “Hey, get a better job!”

Papa John’s. Papa has one downside when compared to the other moguls of mozzarella, and thats the price. They tend to cost a bit more, but is it worth it? FUCK YES! Because sometimes you just want the Papa in your mouth. Wait. But it also comes with the awesome garlic butter dipping stuff. now heres a truth you may not know about me.. I typically don’t eat crust. Its horrible, I know, but it is also true. I like to share my crust with the dogs, and they appreciate me for it. How do they show their appreciation? They, with love, eat my bluray cases. but when the papa is in the house, they get NO CRUST FROM ME! The poor bastards cry. Then with anger, they eat my bluray cases. But another plus of the Papa’s Pizza is that it comes with a couple peperocini’s which are like spicy heaven to your tongue. Now, the real question is.. does the dipping shtuff and pepperocini’s make up the difference for the cost? Fuck no. But hey, one time, I ordered a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza and it fucked up my guts for like a week straight. That is worth the cost. Every time.

The final pizza place to cover is the one who sucks total ass. Papa Murphy’s. I’ve known people who swear by this place, and all i can say is.. wait, what the fuck? WHY?! Take n Bake. We’re gonna roll out some dough put shit on it and then sell it to you at too high of a price and you’re going to have to work for that pizza bitch, go home and COOK IT! Fuck you. Theres nothing worse than ordering a pizza, going to pick it up, paying too much, and then you have to drive the 20 minutes back home and wait another half an hour before you get to fucking eat. Who the fuck does this? Why does papa murphys exist? Because it totally shouldnt. anyone who buys a pizza from there deserves to have their eyes ripped out and force fed to them with a spork because they saw something on tv they thought was great. they tried it once, and then kept diong it. its like drug addiction, you only do it because you’re totally stupid, you fucking idiot. No one sells me a pizza i have to work for. EVER. I’ve already worked for it, you son of a bitch, the proof is that Andy Jackson sitting in the palm of your hand. So remember kids, just say NO to Papa Murphys, they are the anti pizza place that really is sadistic and hates you.

Disclaimer: On a note of drug addiction, that does not include cigarettes, because as everyone knows, cigarettes make you look cool.

And on a final note, summer blockbusters!

This years big blockbuster totally is worth going to see, riiigghht?

Thats right, this year the twilight saga continues. The real saga is why hasnt Rob Pattinson’s head fallen off. I mean, Look at his hair.. it keeps getting bigger and bigger. He has quickly reached the level of douche status that Brett Michaels took a career to get to! This story is so lovely though, remember what I say… Bella and Jacob. Doggie Style. Maybe Snoops on the soundtrack? Heres a question. I’ve noticed people walk around with “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” paraphenailia on.. My question is, haven’t all the fans out there read the books? Because, if you have read the books then you already know that this team jacob shit is really retarded, because he loses. It’d be like me driving around with a John Kerry 4 Prez sticker on my car. I’m not going to do that. I mean, I never did support that cum stain, but even if i HAD i would have taken the sticker off by now, wouldn’t you? Its like driving around saying, “HI! I SUPPORT LOSERS!” So, here’s a salute to all you Team Jacob fanbois.

You are retarded.

But, then again, so are the Team Edwards. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship, I don’t want someone cheering me on. Fact is, I don’t need cheering, and I can’t be in relationships ANYWAYS due to that thing with the FBI investigation back in 93. Nevermind. Go see the movie, i’m sure its just as horrible as the book was, which on my grade scale did get an amazing F+ which was not a stretch at all, it was straight honesty. But, just like with greetingcards.. thats right fella’s, you get to take your girl to see it. Why? Because that kind of love is so powerful, that maybe if she’s a team jacober, you can hit it doggie style later. If she’s Team Edward, she’ll just bitch at you, but hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll thank you with an impromptu cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day!