Saving the Planet.

The other day i got to thinking about non profit organizations.. And it made me think that hey, anyone can do this if they have a good cause! Look at the fucksticks at PETA.. These people are some of the biggest douchebags on the face of the planet and for some reason they have the reason to be righteous about their worthless stupid cause. I mean really. If you’re a member of peta, you have to know you’re teh laughing stock of the entire western hemisphere. And so, I realize, hey, these people are bigger assholes than ME!

And that simply will not do.

If I have not proven that I am a hugely over opinionated, self absorbed prick yet, then you’ve not been paying attention. My credentials are seen in every post I’ve done so far. And so, now, I will have to take on peta, fully forced and armed to the gills with the truth, and now, I must combat them!

Are you with me my friends? Perhaps not yet, but when you see the logic behind the nonprofit organization I am about to form, you will be. Our mission statement is simple. We’re gonna save the motha fuckin earth! Thats right my brothers and sisters, it is up to us. We’ll get rid of some rumors and falsehoods here, and we’ll show why WE are teh most important of all the nonprofits. Now, lets do this. I’ve even made a banner for this. Are you impressed? I didn’t think so. You know, its so hard to impress you anymore, after all these years, I’m beginning to think you’re just not attracted to me anymore. Do you really think that 20 yr old thinks you’re sexy? They are using you! I am the one who loves you, I, who have stuck by your side through all these years as your hair as turned gray, and you six pack turned to pudge. Fine, go then to your WHORE!

I’m going home to mothers!

Err.. hi.

So anyways, where were we? Ahh yes!

Nonprofits such as those campaigning to save the earth from global destruction have been around since the dawn of time. Take for example, the Baptist Church. But more recently we have dickheads like Al Gore, and his fight to stop global warming. Nuclear winter is upon us, isn’t it Ally!!!!! Well I don’t know about you, but the past couple years.. Its gotten much colder around here. I know some of my family have been bitching that down in Florida is much colder too. Could it be that Al Gore is full of shit? Well he did claim to invent the internet, and as we all know, thats bullshit. The internet was created by GI JOE. So fuck him, he is no real american hero, he is a lying cocksucker who is trying to poison our minds into believing that which is untrue. So we raise our collective fists in truth and we scream aloud FUCK YOU AL GORE!

This is a fine example of bullshit, now lets move on to my favorite assholes who think they’re better than you. PETA. Are you ready?

PETA is a bunch of neonazi fuck rags who want to rule your life and make you stop eating big macs. As we all know, that is complete insanity, if all the things to give up, why would you ever give up big macs? I spent some time paroozing their website, man they have a lot of campaigns to stop things you love in this world. I will say one thing for them, they have awesome advertising. Sex sells, and PETA knows it.. as they have naked girls with some kind of slogan that says: I’d rather pose nude like a whore than wear some kind of furry animal for clothes. The problem with this is, people take it to heart, and suddenly life gets ruined. Why does life get ruined? BECAUSE! It is a fact that there are more ugly people on this earth than good looking ones, so people take this message to heart and start walking around nude, and suddenly, I have to gouge my eyes out. This is a shame, because i’m quite fond of my eyeballs, and would had to lose them, but it would be better than having to see nude uglies walking around the earth. Wouldn’t you agree?

Well if you don’t you’re simply unimaginative and so I, as the bringer of truth that I am, will help your lack of imagination as to how dreadful this could be to ruin the earth.

You see? Its godawful. I’d rather not see this ever again, so please don’t ask me to do this ever ever again. Now lets get down to brass tax. The truth of the matter is, eating animals is not bad. Wearing furcoats is not bad. Though I admit, I do not wear fur coats, i think they are very posh looking on all the rappers out there, and if theres something every rapper needs to be: Its Posh. Lets face it, through their reckless advertising (notice the children staring at the fat cow up there) and their total lack of regard for fine establishments such as Burger King, these fuckers should all be lined up and shot. does that include eva mendez, as she is above? Well unfortunately it might. i havent decided yet, so shes safe for now. But i mean, really. Go vegitarian? FUCK YOU PETA YOU MURDERING COCKSUCKERS! VEGGIES ARE ALIVE TO!!!

This brings us to the important part of this post.. This is where I gain the upper hand against PETA. It is time my friends, for the revealing of my organization that will change, and ultimately SAVE THE MOTHA FUCKIN PLANET!

Ahh, there it is! The unveiling of a masterpeice!

People for the Ethical Well Being of Plants.

PEWP. This is my organization, and its ready to rock and roll. Members are signing up at a rapid pace, and you don’t want to be left behind, so get your credit card ready Open your Wallet! OPEN YOUR HEARTS!

Now lets do this shit, the anticipation is killing me.

Think about it, what is more inhumane than the treatment of plants? We don’t care if they have feelings, if they hurt. We slice, cut, burn, and devour. Pita would have you eat plants instead of animals. Why? Because they are rapists, murdering bastard fuckers. This makes me hate them with a fire of a billion flames!! Vegitarians can rot in hell for all I care. If they think its so terrible to kill my bacon, why do they think its ok to kill plants? Plants are loving creatures, and contrary to what they would have you think, they are indeed ALIVE. They grow, they eat, they breathe, and they reproduce! What more is there for life than these basic things? Plants are also sexy. Observe the sexy truth of plants. Do you see how they are such things of beauty? Clearly this is a female tree, and perhaps a stripper. As we all know, strippers are real people with real feelings, and every time I see one, i know instantly that they love me. Until i run out of money. BUT THATS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!

But the sad truth is, we cut down trees for many reasons. They build homes, they make paper, and they make the bat I carry around in my jeep for protection. if the machete fails me. I’ve said it before, Dr. cr1ck3e does not like intruders. So, it is sad that we must cut down the pretty sexy trees who give us great things such as toilet paper.. and the pages of playboy. But, it is for a good reason that we kill off these trees, though it is quite inhumane, nonetheless. Here at PEWP we understand that some things can not be avoided. Without trees to burn we’d have no fire to play with, and that would be a sad day. I myself though, and I’m sure you’ll agree, cannot imagine the torment that goes through the tree as we cut it down. We murderers go and use something vile and cut it at its fee and push it over, and then burn its body. We are massicists and deserve eternal damnation for the suffering that we’ve brought on the trees. Whats worse? Maple Syrup. We actually drink tree blood. This makes us all plant vampires. Now I know, without syrup, pancakes would suck as bad as flossing with jungle vagina. So, I’m sorry trees, that we as inhumane motherfuckers do this to you, but it is unfortunately, a necessary evil. Though I still think its bullshit.

But it gets worse, for where that has a purpose, there is one thing in particular that does NOT serve a purpose, and this will really make you angry.

Grass. Who the fuck ever decided that we needed to kill grass? it serves no purpose. NONE AT ALL!!! Why would we ever want to harm something so beautiful as grass? Grass is pretty, and its free, and it grows and grows and it is a wonderful thing. Yet, we think it looks better if we control its growth, and thats simply not right. Imagine if you were grass, do you think you’d like to be someones yard? You’re saying now, yes, yes I think I’d like that alot, but you havent begun to fathom the atrocities we commit against grass. Since the dawn of lawns, we’ve decided that it is our duty, and our right to make it grow as we please, not just we over opinionated americans, but the ENTIRE WORLD things that. What would you do without grass?

I’ll tell you what you’d get without grass. You’d get ugly ass desert landscaping. Look at this picture, does this look like a great place to live? The answer is no, NO it does not look like a happy place to live. Hell, it looks like Utah, and as everyone knows, if there is hell on earth other than New Michigan, its definitely Utah. Unlike New Michigan though, I’ve actually been to Utah, so I know for fact that it exists. It was one of the most regrettable happenings of my entire life, going to Utah. I advise, if you have to chose between giong to Utah and having your balls cut off.. You should go to Utah of course. But its NOT an easy decision to make! So, to summerize, NEVER GO TO UTAH! And if you cut your grass too much, you’re going to end up with nothing but dead ground.

But why, you ask, why is cutting grass evil? Well think on it, first off we have used what is basically a medival torture device on poor grass to make grass suffer, when all its tried to do its entire life is live and be beautiful. From push mowers, to powered mowers, to riding mowers which enhance not only our ability to induce suffering, but help us continue to grow our asses to ginormous sizes. Lets play a game of hypothetical situations shall we? Lets say YOU are grass. You’re born, and you’re nurtered, and you grow. You grow and grow and you LOVE the sun, and the rain, you drink in LIFE and you release MORE life! What a wonderful thing! You are, quite possibly one of the worlds finest, most wonderful beautiful creations.

Then, one day, as you’re growing big big big! Someone comes along and cuts off your fucking head. Thats right, you’re minding your own business, smiling at the sunshine, and then WHACK there goes your fucking head. You can’t scream, you cant cry, becuase you’re head is fucking GONE. You’re entire body is wreathed in pain, and now what do you do? You give up and die? No, you’re stronger than that, you live through the pain, and you begin to heal. Miracles happen, and your head regrows. Timidly, you look at the sunshine again, scared to breathe in its warmth.. ever so slowly, you begin to smile again, begin to hope, and to dream. And once again, life is good. Your head comes back, and you start to grow again! Its almost enough joy to make you want to sing and dance, but you can’t dance, because if theres anything thats worse at dancing than a white guy, its grass. But thats ok, you learn to love again. Then, one day.. YOUR FUCKING HEAD GETS CUT OFF AGAIN! This viscious cycle continues for all eternity. How could one cow being turned into my big mac be worse than this? This is not just inhumane, or cruel, this is down right evil. We are the Nazi’s that are plaguing plants with fear, and holocaust.

PEWP is here to protect these rights of those without voices, for how can they have a voice when we’re constantly decapitating them to fuel our own vanities? PEWP supports those who have taken it upon themselves to keep their grass safe. As you can see, some people will put up signs that ask you kindly, to keep of the lives of the smaller greener people. Here at PEWP HQ we search these people out, and we commend them with signs of our own! They are heroes to us, and the world deserves to know of their heroics. So we celebrate you, O Lords of Lawns.

This was a sign I planted myself not two days ago. The homeowner was someone I did not know, I just happened to be driving by, when they came out and saw what it was that I was planting, they beamed with such radiance, and they looked at me, and said, “I’m so glad.. someone understand what I do for my lawn!” I smiled back, and I said to them, “Your motha fuckin right! We’re out here, and we’re working hard every day, for heroes like you! Fuckin thats, dood!” They smiled, and offered my lemonaide. I accepted, lemonaide is one of Gods finest creations.

But PEWP is an organization of doers. We call them, PEWPERS! We cannot, and will not stand around and watch the useless mass murdering of innocent lawns, so we do not mearly praise the good, but we punish the wicked. We let the world know of their wickedness.

Here is another fine example of our soldiers in the field, placing the truth out there for the world to read. This sign lasted 20 minutes before the homeowner pulled it out of the ground. We then replaced it. This went on for two days before we were arrested, but once we argued our case to a judge, all charges were dropped, and the sign went back up. Justice, this time, did not turn her blind eye upon us.

What can I do to help PEWP?

Become a PEWPer today! Many are joining our ranks as we speak! We scour the globe looking for the injustice done to innocent plants! From people who are vegitarians, or as I call them, Plant Cannibals. To posting signs like you’ve seen above. We must praise the good, and also we will punish the evil! We have rallies, we have raffles, we have publications! OUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD! Never doubt what our power, united, can do! It is truly amazing what we can do with mass numbers. We will take those assholes at PITA, and put them to shame. Who would ever want a PETA when they can have a PEWP?!

NO ONE!

What about your kids? You ask? Well, regrettably, since we are an organization of epic proportions, we ask that everyone be of legal age. But encourage your children to learn to be a good PEWPer. So, for our Junior PEWPers, we have badges, buttons if you will, it will show PEWPing in a great light, and encourage their positive thinking. Junior PEWPers will be known as our PEWPer Troopers! This will show their pride, their freedom of correct choices, and hey, buttons are fun!

Our message is coming out all over the planet, and even celebrities are joining in on the PEWP Movement! We have Tshirts for sale, to show your pride. The proceeds go to helping us grow, not for anyones own gain. Soon, the entire planet will know, and everyone will be PEWPing to save the earth! Don’t let another moment pass you by, my friends. Is there anything more important in this world, than PEWPing to save the earth? Definitely not! Without PEWP, your grass will die, and your yard will look like Utah. YOU DON’T WANT THAT! I promise you!!

On a final note, I wanted to share an important story with you. I went to McD’s and I sat in the Play Place. There was a little girl sitting there, and I told her that PETA wanted to take away her happy meal. Naturally, she looked sad, and I told her, its ok, they can’t make you eat nothing but green beans. She said, I HATE GREENBEANS! I said ME TOO!!! And then I told her about PEWPing. She understood and loved it, of course. Her mind was opened to better thinking.. but when I told her the story of what people are doing to the poor lawns of this earth.. well let me show you what happened.

It was not pretty. She was hysterical, and I too, felt the agony this child experienced as she was infused with the truth of the matter. So please friends, we need to help our mother earth. We need to PEWP together! Only we can do this, only we can save our planet. We will not give up our chicken sammiches, and we will not give up our Big Macs, because that would be stupid as fuck. But more so, we will NOT give up our plants to be drained for their life force, to be mercilessly decapitated over and over again. I know, deep down, you know that you too, cannot give into the tyrany of John Deer, Torro, and Weed Be Gone. Save our planet. PEWP.

Thank you.