Saving the Planet.

The other day i got to thinking about non profit organizations.. And it made me think that hey, anyone can do this if they have a good cause! Look at the fucksticks at PETA.. These people are some of the biggest douchebags on the face of the planet and for some reason they have the reason to be righteous about their worthless stupid cause. I mean really. If you’re a member of peta, you have to know you’re teh laughing stock of the entire western hemisphere. And so, I realize, hey, these people are bigger assholes than ME!

And that simply will not do.

If I have not proven that I am a hugely over opinionated, self absorbed prick yet, then you’ve not been paying attention. My credentials are seen in every post I’ve done so far. And so, now, I will have to take on peta, fully forced and armed to the gills with the truth, and now, I must combat them!

Are you with me my friends? Perhaps not yet, but when you see the logic behind the nonprofit organization I am about to form, you will be. Our mission statement is simple. We’re gonna save the motha fuckin earth! Thats right my brothers and sisters, it is up to us. We’ll get rid of some rumors and falsehoods here, and we’ll show why WE are teh most important of all the nonprofits. Now, lets do this. I’ve even made a banner for this. Are you impressed? I didn’t think so. You know, its so hard to impress you anymore, after all these years, I’m beginning to think you’re just not attracted to me anymore. Do you really think that 20 yr old thinks you’re sexy? They are using you! I am the one who loves you, I, who have stuck by your side through all these years as your hair as turned gray, and you six pack turned to pudge. Fine, go then to your WHORE!

I’m going home to mothers!

Err.. hi.

So anyways, where were we? Ahh yes!

Nonprofits such as those campaigning to save the earth from global destruction have been around since the dawn of time. Take for example, the Baptist Church. But more recently we have dickheads like Al Gore, and his fight to stop global warming. Nuclear winter is upon us, isn’t it Ally!!!!! Well I don’t know about you, but the past couple years.. Its gotten much colder around here. I know some of my family have been bitching that down in Florida is much colder too. Could it be that Al Gore is full of shit? Well he did claim to invent the internet, and as we all know, thats bullshit. The internet was created by GI JOE. So fuck him, he is no real american hero, he is a lying cocksucker who is trying to poison our minds into believing that which is untrue. So we raise our collective fists in truth and we scream aloud FUCK YOU AL GORE!

This is a fine example of bullshit, now lets move on to my favorite assholes who think they’re better than you. PETA. Are you ready?

PETA is a bunch of neonazi fuck rags who want to rule your life and make you stop eating big macs. As we all know, that is complete insanity, if all the things to give up, why would you ever give up big macs? I spent some time paroozing their website, man they have a lot of campaigns to stop things you love in this world. I will say one thing for them, they have awesome advertising. Sex sells, and PETA knows it.. as they have naked girls with some kind of slogan that says: I’d rather pose nude like a whore than wear some kind of furry animal for clothes. The problem with this is, people take it to heart, and suddenly life gets ruined. Why does life get ruined? BECAUSE! It is a fact that there are more ugly people on this earth than good looking ones, so people take this message to heart and start walking around nude, and suddenly, I have to gouge my eyes out. This is a shame, because i’m quite fond of my eyeballs, and would had to lose them, but it would be better than having to see nude uglies walking around the earth. Wouldn’t you agree?

Well if you don’t you’re simply unimaginative and so I, as the bringer of truth that I am, will help your lack of imagination as to how dreadful this could be to ruin the earth.

You see? Its godawful. I’d rather not see this ever again, so please don’t ask me to do this ever ever again. Now lets get down to brass tax. The truth of the matter is, eating animals is not bad. Wearing furcoats is not bad. Though I admit, I do not wear fur coats, i think they are very posh looking on all the rappers out there, and if theres something every rapper needs to be: Its Posh. Lets face it, through their reckless advertising (notice the children staring at the fat cow up there) and their total lack of regard for fine establishments such as Burger King, these fuckers should all be lined up and shot. does that include eva mendez, as she is above? Well unfortunately it might. i havent decided yet, so shes safe for now. But i mean, really. Go vegitarian? FUCK YOU PETA YOU MURDERING COCKSUCKERS! VEGGIES ARE ALIVE TO!!!

This brings us to the important part of this post.. This is where I gain the upper hand against PETA. It is time my friends, for the revealing of my organization that will change, and ultimately SAVE THE MOTHA FUCKIN PLANET!

Ahh, there it is! The unveiling of a masterpeice!

People for the Ethical Well Being of Plants.

PEWP. This is my organization, and its ready to rock and roll. Members are signing up at a rapid pace, and you don’t want to be left behind, so get your credit card ready Open your Wallet! OPEN YOUR HEARTS!

Now lets do this shit, the anticipation is killing me.

Think about it, what is more inhumane than the treatment of plants? We don’t care if they have feelings, if they hurt. We slice, cut, burn, and devour. Pita would have you eat plants instead of animals. Why? Because they are rapists, murdering bastard fuckers. This makes me hate them with a fire of a billion flames!! Vegitarians can rot in hell for all I care. If they think its so terrible to kill my bacon, why do they think its ok to kill plants? Plants are loving creatures, and contrary to what they would have you think, they are indeed ALIVE. They grow, they eat, they breathe, and they reproduce! What more is there for life than these basic things? Plants are also sexy. Observe the sexy truth of plants. Do you see how they are such things of beauty? Clearly this is a female tree, and perhaps a stripper. As we all know, strippers are real people with real feelings, and every time I see one, i know instantly that they love me. Until i run out of money. BUT THATS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!

But the sad truth is, we cut down trees for many reasons. They build homes, they make paper, and they make the bat I carry around in my jeep for protection. if the machete fails me. I’ve said it before, Dr. cr1ck3e does not like intruders. So, it is sad that we must cut down the pretty sexy trees who give us great things such as toilet paper.. and the pages of playboy. But, it is for a good reason that we kill off these trees, though it is quite inhumane, nonetheless. Here at PEWP we understand that some things can not be avoided. Without trees to burn we’d have no fire to play with, and that would be a sad day. I myself though, and I’m sure you’ll agree, cannot imagine the torment that goes through the tree as we cut it down. We murderers go and use something vile and cut it at its fee and push it over, and then burn its body. We are massicists and deserve eternal damnation for the suffering that we’ve brought on the trees. Whats worse? Maple Syrup. We actually drink tree blood. This makes us all plant vampires. Now I know, without syrup, pancakes would suck as bad as flossing with jungle vagina. So, I’m sorry trees, that we as inhumane motherfuckers do this to you, but it is unfortunately, a necessary evil. Though I still think its bullshit.

But it gets worse, for where that has a purpose, there is one thing in particular that does NOT serve a purpose, and this will really make you angry.

Grass. Who the fuck ever decided that we needed to kill grass? it serves no purpose. NONE AT ALL!!! Why would we ever want to harm something so beautiful as grass? Grass is pretty, and its free, and it grows and grows and it is a wonderful thing. Yet, we think it looks better if we control its growth, and thats simply not right. Imagine if you were grass, do you think you’d like to be someones yard? You’re saying now, yes, yes I think I’d like that alot, but you havent begun to fathom the atrocities we commit against grass. Since the dawn of lawns, we’ve decided that it is our duty, and our right to make it grow as we please, not just we over opinionated americans, but the ENTIRE WORLD things that. What would you do without grass?

I’ll tell you what you’d get without grass. You’d get ugly ass desert landscaping. Look at this picture, does this look like a great place to live? The answer is no, NO it does not look like a happy place to live. Hell, it looks like Utah, and as everyone knows, if there is hell on earth other than New Michigan, its definitely Utah. Unlike New Michigan though, I’ve actually been to Utah, so I know for fact that it exists. It was one of the most regrettable happenings of my entire life, going to Utah. I advise, if you have to chose between giong to Utah and having your balls cut off.. You should go to Utah of course. But its NOT an easy decision to make! So, to summerize, NEVER GO TO UTAH! And if you cut your grass too much, you’re going to end up with nothing but dead ground.

But why, you ask, why is cutting grass evil? Well think on it, first off we have used what is basically a medival torture device on poor grass to make grass suffer, when all its tried to do its entire life is live and be beautiful. From push mowers, to powered mowers, to riding mowers which enhance not only our ability to induce suffering, but help us continue to grow our asses to ginormous sizes. Lets play a game of hypothetical situations shall we? Lets say YOU are grass. You’re born, and you’re nurtered, and you grow. You grow and grow and you LOVE the sun, and the rain, you drink in LIFE and you release MORE life! What a wonderful thing! You are, quite possibly one of the worlds finest, most wonderful beautiful creations.

Then, one day, as you’re growing big big big! Someone comes along and cuts off your fucking head. Thats right, you’re minding your own business, smiling at the sunshine, and then WHACK there goes your fucking head. You can’t scream, you cant cry, becuase you’re head is fucking GONE. You’re entire body is wreathed in pain, and now what do you do? You give up and die? No, you’re stronger than that, you live through the pain, and you begin to heal. Miracles happen, and your head regrows. Timidly, you look at the sunshine again, scared to breathe in its warmth.. ever so slowly, you begin to smile again, begin to hope, and to dream. And once again, life is good. Your head comes back, and you start to grow again! Its almost enough joy to make you want to sing and dance, but you can’t dance, because if theres anything thats worse at dancing than a white guy, its grass. But thats ok, you learn to love again. Then, one day.. YOUR FUCKING HEAD GETS CUT OFF AGAIN! This viscious cycle continues for all eternity. How could one cow being turned into my big mac be worse than this? This is not just inhumane, or cruel, this is down right evil. We are the Nazi’s that are plaguing plants with fear, and holocaust.

PEWP is here to protect these rights of those without voices, for how can they have a voice when we’re constantly decapitating them to fuel our own vanities? PEWP supports those who have taken it upon themselves to keep their grass safe. As you can see, some people will put up signs that ask you kindly, to keep of the lives of the smaller greener people. Here at PEWP HQ we search these people out, and we commend them with signs of our own! They are heroes to us, and the world deserves to know of their heroics. So we celebrate you, O Lords of Lawns.

This was a sign I planted myself not two days ago. The homeowner was someone I did not know, I just happened to be driving by, when they came out and saw what it was that I was planting, they beamed with such radiance, and they looked at me, and said, “I’m so glad.. someone understand what I do for my lawn!” I smiled back, and I said to them, “Your motha fuckin right! We’re out here, and we’re working hard every day, for heroes like you! Fuckin thats, dood!” They smiled, and offered my lemonaide. I accepted, lemonaide is one of Gods finest creations.

But PEWP is an organization of doers. We call them, PEWPERS! We cannot, and will not stand around and watch the useless mass murdering of innocent lawns, so we do not mearly praise the good, but we punish the wicked. We let the world know of their wickedness.

Here is another fine example of our soldiers in the field, placing the truth out there for the world to read. This sign lasted 20 minutes before the homeowner pulled it out of the ground. We then replaced it. This went on for two days before we were arrested, but once we argued our case to a judge, all charges were dropped, and the sign went back up. Justice, this time, did not turn her blind eye upon us.

What can I do to help PEWP?

Become a PEWPer today! Many are joining our ranks as we speak! We scour the globe looking for the injustice done to innocent plants! From people who are vegitarians, or as I call them, Plant Cannibals. To posting signs like you’ve seen above. We must praise the good, and also we will punish the evil! We have rallies, we have raffles, we have publications! OUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD! Never doubt what our power, united, can do! It is truly amazing what we can do with mass numbers. We will take those assholes at PITA, and put them to shame. Who would ever want a PETA when they can have a PEWP?!

NO ONE!

What about your kids? You ask? Well, regrettably, since we are an organization of epic proportions, we ask that everyone be of legal age. But encourage your children to learn to be a good PEWPer. So, for our Junior PEWPers, we have badges, buttons if you will, it will show PEWPing in a great light, and encourage their positive thinking. Junior PEWPers will be known as our PEWPer Troopers! This will show their pride, their freedom of correct choices, and hey, buttons are fun!

Our message is coming out all over the planet, and even celebrities are joining in on the PEWP Movement! We have Tshirts for sale, to show your pride. The proceeds go to helping us grow, not for anyones own gain. Soon, the entire planet will know, and everyone will be PEWPing to save the earth! Don’t let another moment pass you by, my friends. Is there anything more important in this world, than PEWPing to save the earth? Definitely not! Without PEWP, your grass will die, and your yard will look like Utah. YOU DON’T WANT THAT! I promise you!!

On a final note, I wanted to share an important story with you. I went to McD’s and I sat in the Play Place. There was a little girl sitting there, and I told her that PETA wanted to take away her happy meal. Naturally, she looked sad, and I told her, its ok, they can’t make you eat nothing but green beans. She said, I HATE GREENBEANS! I said ME TOO!!! And then I told her about PEWPing. She understood and loved it, of course. Her mind was opened to better thinking.. but when I told her the story of what people are doing to the poor lawns of this earth.. well let me show you what happened.

It was not pretty. She was hysterical, and I too, felt the agony this child experienced as she was infused with the truth of the matter. So please friends, we need to help our mother earth. We need to PEWP together! Only we can do this, only we can save our planet. We will not give up our chicken sammiches, and we will not give up our Big Macs, because that would be stupid as fuck. But more so, we will NOT give up our plants to be drained for their life force, to be mercilessly decapitated over and over again. I know, deep down, you know that you too, cannot give into the tyrany of John Deer, Torro, and Weed Be Gone. Save our planet. PEWP.

Thank you.

Ohio!

This one goes out to all my friends in the mystical world of Ohio. It was a thought I had, to write about this. It was covered in a blog many moons ago, when I once upon a time blogged on myspace. Then myspace became corrupt and Ellen, and I had to quit. Also I think I pissed off too many people. So lets get on with it!

How does one have credentials about this place known to the viewing public as Ohio? Well, easy.. I have never been to Ohio, nor would I ever go. Even though I find myself stuck in a land locked hell hole, I would still rather be here than some place like Ohio. The reasoning will be given to you later. So further credentials read as such: I am real. I live in a real cave. I eat real molten lava hotpockets. I have hair and I like cheerios. Ok, that was a lie, i really hate cheerios. If you like cheerios, theres something wrong with YOU. Seriously, they're flavorless and horrible. I'd rather eat dirt. If you'd not rather eat dirt, you've no sense and someone ought to hit you with a phone book. Once you've been thuroughly beaten with a phone book, you'll find sense and then you'll wake up and salute the world and say: HEY! CHEERIOS TASTE REALLY BAD!

Now, you're enlightened. I'm happy we've reached this conclusion together, for now we can be as one. You had me at hello.

So what is there to say about Ohio? You're probably wondering where this left field blog is coming from, so allow me to explain to you. Ohio is not real. Its a figment of your imagination, I swear it to you, and in the following segment of reality, I will offer undeniable proof. This proof is so sound you'll want to hunt down every teacher you ever had and poke them in the eye for the years of lying that's been done to you. If you live in "Ohio" you'll finish reading this and you'll say: WHAT AM I? WHERE AM I!? Fortunately, this question is easily answered, and being the absolutely swell feller that I am, I will answer these questions for you. Fear not Ohioians, the truth is coming.. soon you'll have all the answers, but first lets dig into the facts.
I should tell you a bit about the history of this blog. I told you, its old hat if you know me, but the really crazy bit is, the original publication of this blog pissed off one reader so bad I actually recieved hate mail. Following my maniacal non stop laughter over this hatemail, I of course retorted by posting her angry ass letter as my next blog.. these are the things I'm prone to do, as the truth is, I'm really just not very nice am I? Here's the crazy thing, some time, many many months later, we actually became friends and she got rid of the restraining order against me. It was a triumphant day for the truth, but also for yours truly. Because let's face it: She's hot. Now, I'm quite good at pissing off good looking girls, but normally it takes more than my insulting a make believe place to do it.

An interesting story huh? Also, here's the really wild part. It's true. Would I lie? No, I wouldn't, would I Nikki? Onward!!

Check that shit out, I made my own truth logo. I figured since I'm quite codependant on that word, I should have my own cool logo like those bitches that want me to stop smoking. But do I stop? Fuck no! Well no, I did once. BAD IDEA. It's like blogging. I've stopped that a few times, but I always come back to my old friend!

So Ohio isn't real even though you think it is and now you want proof! Maybe you're from Ohio, or you live there.. but you only think you're from there or live there. First off, Ohio is made up on a basis of lies. It's like the tower of babel. God didn't like that tower and so He struck it down with a mighty force. That place got destroyed! Were Ohio really real, it would happen again.. Imagine the carnage that would follow! Not just one town, and one sweet ass tall tower, but an ENTIRE STATE! Families, friends, and people that are unknowing would be dead!

Believeing in Ohio is like worshiping a golden calf. Now I'm not going to get into religous debating, but you can do what you like but we all know from the History Channel that having a golden calf to worship is not only stupid and quite retarded, but also a VERY bad idea no matter who you are. No one likes calfs that much anyways, not even the mommy cows. They see the calfs and they all run around like ADD kids hopped up on too much icecream and JOLT! The fortunate thing is, calfs soon realize this and then all their energy is focused on becoming a massive landmonster which will become my big mac. Thats yummy for the tummy.

So lets talk about the cities first. Cleveland sucks! They suck so bad that they lost their football team. The fact of life is, you know if your football team leaves town you really suck. But the city FOUGHT! For the rights to the name of this franchise and eventually got a new team which took the same name. Now, this would be cool if the team was named something like THE DESTROYERS! Or or or - The Arnold Swartzeneggers! But no, its just a gay color. The browns. Their saving grace is that the helmet is Orange which is a pretty sweet ass color. Orange is the color of heroes. Yellow is the color of lame stuff. Sorry Stealer fans. So the Browns who are really the OJ's aren't good, nor have they ever been good. Its really rather sad. The shame is almost as unbearable as saying you're a Detroit fan, but the good news is.. I said ALMOST- because, lets face it. If theres a place that sucks worse or a football team that sucks worse, its Detriot. Cleveland is so nasty that bands boycott the place even though allegedly the "Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame" is there. Now how cool is that? Not very, considering Metallica is in the "Hall of Fame". Sorry! The facts begin to build..

Cincinati.

Now heres another place people refuse to go to because it licks the taint off an elephant. Like Cleveland, it has a shitty football team. There have been glimpses of granduer from this football team, like once every millenia they have a good season, which is more than you can say for the Browns or Lions, but thats not enough to give a convincing arguement. On the flip side, they have a cool mascot, The Bengals! Now THIS is a mascot worth fighting over. And just like Cleveland, they use orange as a color. As you can tell, the originality just flows all over this place! Let's cover what the weather conditions are like in these two well known cities. It's cold, dreary, snowy, and shitty. So here we have two fine examples of what one might consider to be hell on earth. Is this something to be proud of Ohioians? The answer is no! Dur!

Columbus.

Columbus doesn't have a football team, but they have a Hockey team. Now since I'm still pissed off over the Canadan's beating us in the olympics in hockey, we'll not even touch this part of the subject. Obvioiusly, this town is named after someone famous. Mr. Christopher Columbus! The FOUNDER of the new world! (Unless you believe that werewolfy injuns were here first.) Oh, I love his master brain skill he had, he called it the Indies. This just goes to show you how much of a dumbass he was.. considering we're no where close to India, though the american jobs seem to be pretty closely related to India anymore, don't they? You know, I paid a credit card payment tonight over the phone. The asshole with a dot on his forehead and an accent so thick I could barely understand him actually told me his name was Derrick Jones. Even though it was clearly some crazy ass Indian name that I'll never be able to pronounce. I really hate liars.

Back to the task! Columbus was a murderer and an overall piece of shit who should have been aborted. He enslaved the natives, he stole their gold, and eventually was imprisoned for many reasons, but the main reason was this: He's a fuckstick with no friends to stick up for him. Why the fuck would you name a city after a douche like this? The answer: YOU WOULDN'T!

You know, the Drew Carey show took place in Ohio. Cleveland if I'm not mistaken. Drew Carey hasn't had a good show on TV like ever. That show started off with a theme song that said "Cleveland Rocks!" Which further fuels the lies. But, its ok- why? Because that show was not funny, nor was it entertaining. This fuels the popular belief that "Ohio" is just a set in Hollywood where terrible shows such as Drew Carey are filmed. Sometimes, you'll see a movie that takes place in "Ohio" -- Thats the same set. You only need one, its dreary, ugly, gray, and shitty looking. This set also doubles for hell in some movies, they just add flames. How do we prove this though? Check this out, I snapped this shot with my handy camera when on a visit once!

Now- look upon this picture! Do you see the truth burning a hole in you like an ant gets fried with a magnifying glass?! It's scary, I know, but hold on, we're not done yet, lovelies! Not even close! So buckle your seat belt, because it gets much spookier. Like, a ghost that just wants to punch you every time you take a bath. Why would that be bad? Well never fuck with ghosts, its a law of nature. Secondly, baths are relaxing and wonderful. Punches to the face are not relaxing. I think the best way to ruin a perfectly good hot soothing relaxing bath is a good punch in the face. And to make it even more disturbing, some invisible ghost does it and thats worse because you think, "I can't see them! Yet here I am nekkid and they can see me, and their punching me!"

Fuck ghosts.

MORE PROOF!

The state government lies to the world. So do the prison inmates. The proof is in the license plates. These license plates are so packed full of lies that North Carolina decided to fight back against Ohio in class action law suits and I think they may have actually hired a hitman too. Anywho, look at these license plates, they are real. You have Ohio claiming to be the birthplace of aviation, and then North Carolina with their first in flight license plate. But whom can you trust? The answer is this:

The never wrong- WIKIPEDIA

If you read about the Wright brothers there it will tell you clearly that, just as you learned in school, the Wright brothers flew their first airplane AND gliders in Kitty Hawk, NORTH CAROLINA.

Sorry Ohio, you lose, and you lose because you're a bunch of bold faced liars. Aviation was not born in Ohio, no matter what you said. Airplanes took off in North Carolina, thus making it the birthplace of aviation. The lies build, you're feeling disgusted, as well you should be.

Water Front Property!

"Ohio" borders some water, but not something as totally rad as an ocean. Nah, they have a big fuckin lake... Lake Erie. First off, the name should tell you enough to know that you never want to go there. It is, for lack of a better word.. Eeeeerrriieee! Just like ghosts. But it gets worse, the water is so overly polluted that the real name should be "Lake Sludge"

If they bottled it like Fiji bottles their water, it'd be a gelatinous goo. Pour it from the bottle to you glass, it comes out in a clump, and probably has a syringe stuck in it. Enjoy your drink! Only a real man could drink that and not die. I myself am not a real man, for I am too cowardous to try it.. And so are you. Now, here is a life lesson learned from the Simpson's. What happens when water get's so dirty that nothing should live in it? Mutations. (cmon, you know you remember the 3 eyed fish) -- Or worse: MONSTERS. If there's one thing in this world you should never fuck with, its ghosts, as we've covered. If theres a second thing never to fuck with, its a Monster. I did a bit of research and I found a picture of Lake Erie for you. you decide if you'd wanna swim there. If your answer is "HELL YES!" You need a frontal labotomy.

The evidence has piled taller than Everest. So far we've covered Ghosts, Monsters, Water, Towns, Football. Of course, I've got to touch on one of the best parts of life: College.

Ohio has a couple colleges. One of my favorites is The University of Miami. Which you see on the ticker on ESPN say:

Miami (O) - That's just another Ohio rip off. You see? So little claims to fame, they actually TRIED to steal Miami. But everyone already knows Miami is in a real state and its totally rad, and so is the state and that of course is Florida. Sorry Ohio, everyone knows it, Miami is NOT in Ohio. Goddamn you plagerizing bastards! But their real claim to fame is the Ohio State Buckeyes. Which poses the Question: What the fuck is a Buckeye? Why the fuck would you want to be called a Buckeye? I wasn't sure, so I did research for you, once again.. from the Wikipwnage.

"Buckeye may refer to: Several tree species of the genus Aesculus"

Well that's all fine and dandy, but what is an Aesculus? So I read on!

"The genus Aesculus (pronounced /ˈɛskjuləs/[1] or /ˈaɪskjuləs/) comprises 13-19 species of woody trees and shrubs native to the temperate northern hemisphere, with 6 species native to North America and 7-13 species native to Eurasia; there are also several hybrids."

K- so translation, buckeye is a tree with nuts on it. First off, I'm not fond of putting nuts in my mouth, but especially not these nuts.

There you have it. The answer to the question. This is a buckeye. Now, to go back to that whole awesome mascott thing.. Who wants this as their mascott? I knew a fellow once who used to bet on teams based on which mascot could kick anothers ass. (Surprisingly, this theory worked out pretty well for him) -- Now, who can beat a buckeye? What about The Machete's? Or or, the Weed Wackers.. or perhaps the Scissors. This mascott is more lame than the Mighty Browns. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.

So let's conclude before my insomnia wears off!

The facts about "Ohio"

• The Drew Carey Show sucks.
• Buckeyes are plants, or nuts. Spiney nuts.
• The Browns are lame, not really brown, and suck as a football team.
• The Bengals suck too.
• The state is dreary
• Nasty
• Cold
• Lake "Erie" Has monsters and the water is sludge.
• Lying license plates about who flew first.
• Christopher Columbus was an asshole.
• Bands won't go there.
• Metallica is horrible.

When you add all these things together, the result just gives me such a strong feeling that were this place to really exist- it would be hell on earth, and I just don't thing God would let that happen. Fuck the tower of Babel, this place is MUCH worse! Hell, I'd rather prance nude screaming racial slurs in the middle of any Middle Eastern country than visit this horrid place.

Now you're enlightened, and if you're in "Ohio" You're terrified: "WHERE AM I! WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS HAPPEN! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!" - You're absolutely right, you need to get outta there before the apocolypse destroys you first. But, to answer the question of, since ohio isn't real, where are all these people really? The answer is this: New Michigan.

That's right, I know I told you Detroit sucks, and it's borderline to Hell on Earth... but it's not any worse than this make believe place known as Ohio. Or, if you want to not call it make believe, you can rephrase:

That's right, I know I told you Detroit sucks, and it's borderline to Hell on Earth... but it's not any worse than this no mans land, demilitarized zone, toxic hellhole, modern day Tower of Babel, Television/Movie set in Hollywood -- Known as Ohio.

New Michiganers, fight back and evacuate NOW!!

SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!

Thank you.