Summer Vacation, bitch!!

Hello my friends. Remember me? Its been a very long time since we’ve been together and I must confess.. I’ve missed you. Have you missed me too?

Well thats not very nice.. but I just..well I.. but.. Just let me explain!

Fine, here we go. An explination.  its summer time, bitches, and I’m one busy jungle dwelling treehouse living cracka! Thats right, cr1ck3e enjoys the summer vacation too! I’ve done lots of things this summer, but I’ve made a promise before we go on about the greatness of summer vacation. I have made a promise to you, my loyal lovelies, in a few different emails.. so my one mention of it is here. This story.. as long as it is, will be delightfully free of the mention of my totally awesome jeep. You know who you are, and you’re welcome. ON WITH THE MOTHA FUCKIN SHOW!!!!!

Summer vacation has been around since the time of Moses. Don’t believe me? Why do you think they were wandering lost in the wilderness for so long? Too much partying.  Well growing up, I too partook in summer vacation. For my twenty two years of grade school before dropping out in the 3rd grade, I spent many years of summer vacation. This makes me not only an expert on the subject matter at hand, but also a proficiant practicer of the art of fucking off for months and sometimes years at a time. Now that we have that clear, lets get to whats important!

And now for the excuses reasons as to why my blog has been silent since May. I have been busy fucking off..taking a nap..WORKING! Yes, thats it, I have been working, and now I am here working hard to bring you to the truth once again, but since you’re wondering what I’ve been doing all summer so far.. lets talk about the important things I’ve been doing.

 

I have spent a lot of time driving around this land locked hell hole we here call home, but I’ve been doing it in such a way thats fantastical that i also promised i would not talk about.  

 

As you all know, I was once a DJ on the radio, this means I have a deep love for music in its purest form. One of the greatest things to do during the summer, while you’re busy being as unproductive as possible, you listen to music. cr1ck3e is no exception to this rule! I do so love lots of music, even if I hate american Idol with a passion. So to combine my love for music and my hate for idol, i decided to listen to lots of music from one of the more talented contestants on that show! And I think that contestant was pleased that I did!

Now, world cup soccer has been going on. Or if you’re from anywhere other than the usa, you call it football. (which makes more sense than soccer) i too love watching world cup, and have spent many hours cheering on teams which have been eliminated already as the finale approaches, but the whole point is, to watch is a wonderful thing. If you don’t think world cup is awesome, theres something wrong with you.

What would summer be without fun in the sun and a bit of RnR on the beach? One can have a lot of fun in a land locked hell hole that does not include a beach, but summer without the beach eats the ass out of one of those crazy looking blue ass baboons. And it is for that reason, that your hero travelled to a place where there was beach. Unfortunately, as you can see, the paparazzi follows me where ever I go. this is why I rarely leave home, and only eat bugs i find in the dirt out back. 

Summer vacation in its truest form, was invented so the children could help with the crops though, so essentially.. It was invented for WORK, and so, I too, decided to do some work. Important work.

Thus, we nine companions set out from Rivendale, but we were seperated from the short gay kids and those creepy older guys. This is when the fun began, because me and a few thousand awesome bastards raised an army and we pillaged saved the world! Thats right, you didnt even know it happened, but your lives were totally saved. You’re welcome.

But summertime is way to busy to stand around and take pictures of every thing that happens so that about wraps up my summer in pictures. I know you’re sad, but life goes on! Besides, summer isnt over yet.. I just wanted to show you proof, truthful reasons why I missed the last month worth of blogging before we continue on to the real meat of the program. Besides, 90% of all blogs showcase pictures and stories of shit that happens to people and so why should I be totally different? And so, there you have, the ultimate reasons why I said NO! to the month of June.  

Vacationing.

This takes us to the next point of importance. Vacationing is one of the ultimate ways to relax, but also one of the biggest ways to show off you’re an asshole. This is also why I love to vacation.

For instance, when you are here…  you’re probably having a great time. The average person does not think about what is going on back home. I do. Call it sick, twisted, perverted or otherwise, but I wonder what is life like for my friends back home right now?

Because I know what it was like when I left, and I know that it is very likely they are still experiencing this… Which brings us to one of the biggest asshole moves of all eternity. This is a move I always do when vacationing in situations like this. I do it, you probably do too.. and it makes you an asshole as well. Welcome to the club, I’m the president.

Postcards.

Theres no bigger asshole move then to remind people who are stuck back home working their asses off.. where exactly you are, and how nice it is for you there. Its the ultimate satisfaction while you’re on vacation, and therefore, you always do it. Some people think its nice to send a postcard from where they are.. those people are dumbshits who typically have no clue as to how much their so called friends hate them. Its a beautiful thing, and when you get home, all you do is talk about how much fun you had and then you ask: did you get the card i sent?! Why yes, I did actually, and i fucking hate you for it. i wish the sun would have ignited your face while you were there so i’d never have to speak to you again you cock sucking prostitue eating stain of life! 

Since I have a firm grasp on reality and know that most people hate me for my insight and ability to mock their over zealous work habits, i always send as many postcards as possible. The last time I went on a vacation, i sent five postcards to everyone i knew each day i was there. Each one said the same thing, I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN! I KNOW YOU ARE NOT BUT BE HAPPY FOR ME! KTHXBYE!

Cards cards cards. They all suck. Postcards, playing cards, flash cards, and greeting cards. Seems like no matter what time of year it is, you cannot escape a day where a card should be sent. Greeting cards especially piss me off. If there was one thing in this world i could abolish without any denial, it would not be hunger, disease, or war.. It would be Scott Stapp. If there were two things, it’d be Scott Stapp and greeting cards. Followed by French Canadia.

Seems like for whatever occasion happens, you should include a card. As a male, I often fail at this task miserably. Ladies, here’s a secret about men you should know. We don’t give a flying fuck about greeting cards, and the fact that you do is not only recoculous, but we also don’t understand why. Its true, i’m sorry. We don’t give a fuck about cards, and neither should you do. But you do, and we want to get laid, so we go to the card isle at the super market. Its daunting and scary. If there is a hell where I will not rule, it will be Walmart’s card isle. An eternity of indecisiveness staring at what seems to be the same card redesigned 43 fucking times so we *think* theres an important choice to make, when really you can pick any one of them because essentially they all say the same damn thing. Lets take the important cards first.

Birthdays. How many different ways are there to say Happy Motha Fucking Birthday? My love, happy birthday- the sappy way. Hey you old motherfucker, happy birthday! – the funny way. The abligatory, heres a picture of someone who is sexy as fuck and you’ll never get to touch them card. (which i always get, because they are total asshole move.. not only does it say happy birthday, but it also says you’re a star trek loving dickwad who gets no play) Don’t forget the to my *insert family member relation here* on your birthday. Its bullshit. So for a woman, we get the “To you my love, on your birthday. The earth sighed and the angels sang the day you came to this world, just as my heart did the day you entered my world.” Aww, how mother fuckin sweet.. and.. we.. SCOOOOREE!!! GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! So you get something similar for us, because we’re so sensative and loving. Want a good birthday card idea for next year, ladies? Get a sharpie. Keep it, because you’re going to use it a lot. Across your boobs write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Thats the card a man really wants. Ahh this is so educational! LETS KEEP GOING!"

Christmas. Thats right, we’re covering the big ones! Christmas cards are also the same fucking thing repeated in lots of different idiotic ways, however- they are festive! That makes the FUN! Right? theres santa, theres frosty. Happy Anti-Jew Holiday! Merry Hope an Obese Man Comes Down Your Chimney Day! Sometimes if you go to the right place, you see Happy Birthday Jesus!! But who do you send that card to really? Again though, we find ourselves in the isle looking for that card that tells our lady friends “I’m buying you this awesome card so you’ll give me some Christmas sex even though we’re in your parent's trailer!” So, the translation of that is something like “To the one I love on this most festive of days.. The greatest gift this season is the love we share.. “ We give the card with a shy smile that speaks  volumes, and those volumes read, “I HOPE I SPENT ENOUGH TO GET ME SOME!” So ladies, its card time for you! What do you pick! IT DOESNT MATTER! We don’t give a hot goddamn! But if you really want to give us a greeting card that will drive us wild, do it like this, remember.. its christmas, so lets be festive ok! You take that same sharpie that you bought before and you use it. On your inner thighs you write “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”

Your man will love you for eternity. And you will be a Christmas Hero!

The final major card giving day that we all loathe the most is upon us, and it is not only over done, and overly commercialized.. but it also is the greatest bullshit day in the calendar year. Valentine’s Day. Men hate Valentine’s day, and we hate it because its not FOR us. How selfish, women have their own personal holiday that screams LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! We don’t like this. Its because we scratch ourselves inappropriately in public, we make rude noises and we smell funny. But on this day, we’re going to dress up, we’re going to shower, we’re going to buy flowers, we’re going to buy some bling, and we’re gonna give you that fucking card that you’re craving so badly! This trip down the isle is horrible, because every card is red and that makes it even harder to choose which variation of the same few sentences. There’s a method I use, boys, allow me to introduce you to it. First, close your eyes, this kind of card you don’t pick with your eyes, you pick it with your heart, you trust that FEELING! So close your fuckin eyes. Not right now, dipshit! Ok, so your eyes are closed, and then your spin in circles until you can barely stand. Yes, this is the truth as to how i pick one. THen you stop spinning and keep your eyes SHUT! This is very important, keep, your. eyes. closed. You stumble, you reach for something to steady yourself, but no, you’re not steadying yourself, you’re steadying your heart boys. Reach out, and as you stumble like Lindsay Lohan after a night of 3 bottles of tequilla and 15 guys, your finally going to touch a card. Pull it off the shelf. this is the perfect card, your heart lead you to it. It was a FEELING! Good news, it reads, “To the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. On this day of love, no words can truly express the overwhelming fullness my heart beats out with every thump with each thought of you. Each glance, each smile, each touch. I love you more now than ever before, and my cup; though brimming to overflowing, grows to bursting as my heart grows with love for you each and every day. I love you, Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Goddamn I should work for Hallmark, are you reading this shit?  I’m fucking good. Funny, I havent had a real valentine since 1974. Hmm. Anyways, we rarely get a card, because Valentine’s Day is NOT for us, but if you want to give us something we’ll truly enjoy, then get out that sharpie again, this time, words do not describe your love and our lust. Be artistic, draw hearts. You know where.

Since women get their own day, we too should get ours. I know you’ve gotten the text just like me. March 20th. MAN’S LOVE-ISH TYPE HOLIDAY! Its called, Cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day! I’ve noticed Walmart does not carry a card, so with the help of the printing press I bought for PEWP, I have started to toss out cards for this day. Ladies, this is the one day where you don’t have to get naked and graffiti your body for us. You can give us a card, because to follow should only be a Steak and a BlowJob. So here it is, the unveiling for you all! Tadaaa! Isn’t it great? For inquiries on price and shipping for the one card that expresses true love to your man, please feel free to email me. I’ll be happy to give you prices, and new designs are coming out EVERY FUCKIN DAY! Happy happy happy!!!!

As we wrap up this return to blogging, there was another subject I wanted to approach. How about vacation food? Summer Food? Am I talking about the BBQ? Nope, I’m talking about the one thing you can do to keep yourself from cooking, and thats some fucking Pizza. I know, its a stretch to make it fit, but i figured I’d give you some filler since its been a long time since I wrote. Do you see how much I love you all? LOVE LOVE LOVE! Wheres my fucking steak?

Pizza places rock, and we should give them glory, besides, I just realized all the drivers are either meth addicts who need money for their fix or COLLEGE STUDENTS HOME FOR SUMMER! Thats right, we’re supporting summer now! Huzzah!

I like Pizza Hut. Its good, its hand tossed and they have the meat lovers, not to be confused with the title of Adam Lamberts next album.   

Pizza Hut’s best feature though, is easily the meat lovers pizza. it is covered in carnivorous goodness, and it is quite filling. if you’ve never had one before, then I think you might have spent your life under a rock.

Domino’s Pizza is a glorious thing. I’ve had it more times than I can count, but thats also because I suck at my abc’s and therefore cannot count passed the letter three. Their thin crust is easily the best of all thin crusts.. but they also have the garlic breaded crust which is fantastical. Order one today, but remember, never tip the delivery guy. Thats right, they add in delivery fee’s anymore, and so its not worth your time to tip unless its snowing like a crazy bastard outside, and then you tip like this, “Hey, get a better job!”

Papa John’s. Papa has one downside when compared to the other moguls of mozzarella, and thats the price. They tend to cost a bit more, but is it worth it? FUCK YES! Because sometimes you just want the Papa in your mouth. Wait. But it also comes with the awesome garlic butter dipping stuff. now heres a truth you may not know about me.. I typically don’t eat crust. Its horrible, I know, but it is also true. I like to share my crust with the dogs, and they appreciate me for it. How do they show their appreciation? They, with love, eat my bluray cases. but when the papa is in the house, they get NO CRUST FROM ME! The poor bastards cry. Then with anger, they eat my bluray cases. But another plus of the Papa’s Pizza is that it comes with a couple peperocini’s which are like spicy heaven to your tongue. Now, the real question is.. does the dipping shtuff and pepperocini’s make up the difference for the cost? Fuck no. But hey, one time, I ordered a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza and it fucked up my guts for like a week straight. That is worth the cost. Every time.

The final pizza place to cover is the one who sucks total ass. Papa Murphy’s. I’ve known people who swear by this place, and all i can say is.. wait, what the fuck? WHY?! Take n Bake. We’re gonna roll out some dough put shit on it and then sell it to you at too high of a price and you’re going to have to work for that pizza bitch, go home and COOK IT! Fuck you. Theres nothing worse than ordering a pizza, going to pick it up, paying too much, and then you have to drive the 20 minutes back home and wait another half an hour before you get to fucking eat. Who the fuck does this? Why does papa murphys exist? Because it totally shouldnt. anyone who buys a pizza from there deserves to have their eyes ripped out and force fed to them with a spork because they saw something on tv they thought was great. they tried it once, and then kept diong it. its like drug addiction, you only do it because you’re totally stupid, you fucking idiot. No one sells me a pizza i have to work for. EVER. I’ve already worked for it, you son of a bitch, the proof is that Andy Jackson sitting in the palm of your hand. So remember kids, just say NO to Papa Murphys, they are the anti pizza place that really is sadistic and hates you.

Disclaimer: On a note of drug addiction, that does not include cigarettes, because as everyone knows, cigarettes make you look cool.

And on a final note, summer blockbusters!

This years big blockbuster totally is worth going to see, riiigghht?

Thats right, this year the twilight saga continues. The real saga is why hasnt Rob Pattinson’s head fallen off. I mean, Look at his hair.. it keeps getting bigger and bigger. He has quickly reached the level of douche status that Brett Michaels took a career to get to! This story is so lovely though, remember what I say… Bella and Jacob. Doggie Style. Maybe Snoops on the soundtrack? Heres a question. I’ve noticed people walk around with “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” paraphenailia on.. My question is, haven’t all the fans out there read the books? Because, if you have read the books then you already know that this team jacob shit is really retarded, because he loses. It’d be like me driving around with a John Kerry 4 Prez sticker on my car. I’m not going to do that. I mean, I never did support that cum stain, but even if i HAD i would have taken the sticker off by now, wouldn’t you? Its like driving around saying, “HI! I SUPPORT LOSERS!” So, here’s a salute to all you Team Jacob fanbois.

You are retarded.

But, then again, so are the Team Edwards. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship, I don’t want someone cheering me on. Fact is, I don’t need cheering, and I can’t be in relationships ANYWAYS due to that thing with the FBI investigation back in 93. Nevermind. Go see the movie, i’m sure its just as horrible as the book was, which on my grade scale did get an amazing F+ which was not a stretch at all, it was straight honesty. But, just like with greetingcards.. thats right fella’s, you get to take your girl to see it. Why? Because that kind of love is so powerful, that maybe if she’s a team jacober, you can hit it doggie style later. If she’s Team Edward, she’ll just bitch at you, but hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll thank you with an impromptu cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day!

Saving the Planet.

The other day i got to thinking about non profit organizations.. And it made me think that hey, anyone can do this if they have a good cause! Look at the fucksticks at PETA.. These people are some of the biggest douchebags on the face of the planet and for some reason they have the reason to be righteous about their worthless stupid cause. I mean really. If you’re a member of peta, you have to know you’re teh laughing stock of the entire western hemisphere. And so, I realize, hey, these people are bigger assholes than ME!

And that simply will not do.

If I have not proven that I am a hugely over opinionated, self absorbed prick yet, then you’ve not been paying attention. My credentials are seen in every post I’ve done so far. And so, now, I will have to take on peta, fully forced and armed to the gills with the truth, and now, I must combat them!

Are you with me my friends? Perhaps not yet, but when you see the logic behind the nonprofit organization I am about to form, you will be. Our mission statement is simple. We’re gonna save the motha fuckin earth! Thats right my brothers and sisters, it is up to us. We’ll get rid of some rumors and falsehoods here, and we’ll show why WE are teh most important of all the nonprofits. Now, lets do this. I’ve even made a banner for this. Are you impressed? I didn’t think so. You know, its so hard to impress you anymore, after all these years, I’m beginning to think you’re just not attracted to me anymore. Do you really think that 20 yr old thinks you’re sexy? They are using you! I am the one who loves you, I, who have stuck by your side through all these years as your hair as turned gray, and you six pack turned to pudge. Fine, go then to your WHORE!

I’m going home to mothers!

Err.. hi.

So anyways, where were we? Ahh yes!

Nonprofits such as those campaigning to save the earth from global destruction have been around since the dawn of time. Take for example, the Baptist Church. But more recently we have dickheads like Al Gore, and his fight to stop global warming. Nuclear winter is upon us, isn’t it Ally!!!!! Well I don’t know about you, but the past couple years.. Its gotten much colder around here. I know some of my family have been bitching that down in Florida is much colder too. Could it be that Al Gore is full of shit? Well he did claim to invent the internet, and as we all know, thats bullshit. The internet was created by GI JOE. So fuck him, he is no real american hero, he is a lying cocksucker who is trying to poison our minds into believing that which is untrue. So we raise our collective fists in truth and we scream aloud FUCK YOU AL GORE!

This is a fine example of bullshit, now lets move on to my favorite assholes who think they’re better than you. PETA. Are you ready?

PETA is a bunch of neonazi fuck rags who want to rule your life and make you stop eating big macs. As we all know, that is complete insanity, if all the things to give up, why would you ever give up big macs? I spent some time paroozing their website, man they have a lot of campaigns to stop things you love in this world. I will say one thing for them, they have awesome advertising. Sex sells, and PETA knows it.. as they have naked girls with some kind of slogan that says: I’d rather pose nude like a whore than wear some kind of furry animal for clothes. The problem with this is, people take it to heart, and suddenly life gets ruined. Why does life get ruined? BECAUSE! It is a fact that there are more ugly people on this earth than good looking ones, so people take this message to heart and start walking around nude, and suddenly, I have to gouge my eyes out. This is a shame, because i’m quite fond of my eyeballs, and would had to lose them, but it would be better than having to see nude uglies walking around the earth. Wouldn’t you agree?

Well if you don’t you’re simply unimaginative and so I, as the bringer of truth that I am, will help your lack of imagination as to how dreadful this could be to ruin the earth.

You see? Its godawful. I’d rather not see this ever again, so please don’t ask me to do this ever ever again. Now lets get down to brass tax. The truth of the matter is, eating animals is not bad. Wearing furcoats is not bad. Though I admit, I do not wear fur coats, i think they are very posh looking on all the rappers out there, and if theres something every rapper needs to be: Its Posh. Lets face it, through their reckless advertising (notice the children staring at the fat cow up there) and their total lack of regard for fine establishments such as Burger King, these fuckers should all be lined up and shot. does that include eva mendez, as she is above? Well unfortunately it might. i havent decided yet, so shes safe for now. But i mean, really. Go vegitarian? FUCK YOU PETA YOU MURDERING COCKSUCKERS! VEGGIES ARE ALIVE TO!!!

This brings us to the important part of this post.. This is where I gain the upper hand against PETA. It is time my friends, for the revealing of my organization that will change, and ultimately SAVE THE MOTHA FUCKIN PLANET!

Ahh, there it is! The unveiling of a masterpeice!

People for the Ethical Well Being of Plants.

PEWP. This is my organization, and its ready to rock and roll. Members are signing up at a rapid pace, and you don’t want to be left behind, so get your credit card ready Open your Wallet! OPEN YOUR HEARTS!

Now lets do this shit, the anticipation is killing me.

Think about it, what is more inhumane than the treatment of plants? We don’t care if they have feelings, if they hurt. We slice, cut, burn, and devour. Pita would have you eat plants instead of animals. Why? Because they are rapists, murdering bastard fuckers. This makes me hate them with a fire of a billion flames!! Vegitarians can rot in hell for all I care. If they think its so terrible to kill my bacon, why do they think its ok to kill plants? Plants are loving creatures, and contrary to what they would have you think, they are indeed ALIVE. They grow, they eat, they breathe, and they reproduce! What more is there for life than these basic things? Plants are also sexy. Observe the sexy truth of plants. Do you see how they are such things of beauty? Clearly this is a female tree, and perhaps a stripper. As we all know, strippers are real people with real feelings, and every time I see one, i know instantly that they love me. Until i run out of money. BUT THATS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!

But the sad truth is, we cut down trees for many reasons. They build homes, they make paper, and they make the bat I carry around in my jeep for protection. if the machete fails me. I’ve said it before, Dr. cr1ck3e does not like intruders. So, it is sad that we must cut down the pretty sexy trees who give us great things such as toilet paper.. and the pages of playboy. But, it is for a good reason that we kill off these trees, though it is quite inhumane, nonetheless. Here at PEWP we understand that some things can not be avoided. Without trees to burn we’d have no fire to play with, and that would be a sad day. I myself though, and I’m sure you’ll agree, cannot imagine the torment that goes through the tree as we cut it down. We murderers go and use something vile and cut it at its fee and push it over, and then burn its body. We are massicists and deserve eternal damnation for the suffering that we’ve brought on the trees. Whats worse? Maple Syrup. We actually drink tree blood. This makes us all plant vampires. Now I know, without syrup, pancakes would suck as bad as flossing with jungle vagina. So, I’m sorry trees, that we as inhumane motherfuckers do this to you, but it is unfortunately, a necessary evil. Though I still think its bullshit.

But it gets worse, for where that has a purpose, there is one thing in particular that does NOT serve a purpose, and this will really make you angry.

Grass. Who the fuck ever decided that we needed to kill grass? it serves no purpose. NONE AT ALL!!! Why would we ever want to harm something so beautiful as grass? Grass is pretty, and its free, and it grows and grows and it is a wonderful thing. Yet, we think it looks better if we control its growth, and thats simply not right. Imagine if you were grass, do you think you’d like to be someones yard? You’re saying now, yes, yes I think I’d like that alot, but you havent begun to fathom the atrocities we commit against grass. Since the dawn of lawns, we’ve decided that it is our duty, and our right to make it grow as we please, not just we over opinionated americans, but the ENTIRE WORLD things that. What would you do without grass?

I’ll tell you what you’d get without grass. You’d get ugly ass desert landscaping. Look at this picture, does this look like a great place to live? The answer is no, NO it does not look like a happy place to live. Hell, it looks like Utah, and as everyone knows, if there is hell on earth other than New Michigan, its definitely Utah. Unlike New Michigan though, I’ve actually been to Utah, so I know for fact that it exists. It was one of the most regrettable happenings of my entire life, going to Utah. I advise, if you have to chose between giong to Utah and having your balls cut off.. You should go to Utah of course. But its NOT an easy decision to make! So, to summerize, NEVER GO TO UTAH! And if you cut your grass too much, you’re going to end up with nothing but dead ground.

But why, you ask, why is cutting grass evil? Well think on it, first off we have used what is basically a medival torture device on poor grass to make grass suffer, when all its tried to do its entire life is live and be beautiful. From push mowers, to powered mowers, to riding mowers which enhance not only our ability to induce suffering, but help us continue to grow our asses to ginormous sizes. Lets play a game of hypothetical situations shall we? Lets say YOU are grass. You’re born, and you’re nurtered, and you grow. You grow and grow and you LOVE the sun, and the rain, you drink in LIFE and you release MORE life! What a wonderful thing! You are, quite possibly one of the worlds finest, most wonderful beautiful creations.

Then, one day, as you’re growing big big big! Someone comes along and cuts off your fucking head. Thats right, you’re minding your own business, smiling at the sunshine, and then WHACK there goes your fucking head. You can’t scream, you cant cry, becuase you’re head is fucking GONE. You’re entire body is wreathed in pain, and now what do you do? You give up and die? No, you’re stronger than that, you live through the pain, and you begin to heal. Miracles happen, and your head regrows. Timidly, you look at the sunshine again, scared to breathe in its warmth.. ever so slowly, you begin to smile again, begin to hope, and to dream. And once again, life is good. Your head comes back, and you start to grow again! Its almost enough joy to make you want to sing and dance, but you can’t dance, because if theres anything thats worse at dancing than a white guy, its grass. But thats ok, you learn to love again. Then, one day.. YOUR FUCKING HEAD GETS CUT OFF AGAIN! This viscious cycle continues for all eternity. How could one cow being turned into my big mac be worse than this? This is not just inhumane, or cruel, this is down right evil. We are the Nazi’s that are plaguing plants with fear, and holocaust.

PEWP is here to protect these rights of those without voices, for how can they have a voice when we’re constantly decapitating them to fuel our own vanities? PEWP supports those who have taken it upon themselves to keep their grass safe. As you can see, some people will put up signs that ask you kindly, to keep of the lives of the smaller greener people. Here at PEWP HQ we search these people out, and we commend them with signs of our own! They are heroes to us, and the world deserves to know of their heroics. So we celebrate you, O Lords of Lawns.

This was a sign I planted myself not two days ago. The homeowner was someone I did not know, I just happened to be driving by, when they came out and saw what it was that I was planting, they beamed with such radiance, and they looked at me, and said, “I’m so glad.. someone understand what I do for my lawn!” I smiled back, and I said to them, “Your motha fuckin right! We’re out here, and we’re working hard every day, for heroes like you! Fuckin thats, dood!” They smiled, and offered my lemonaide. I accepted, lemonaide is one of Gods finest creations.

But PEWP is an organization of doers. We call them, PEWPERS! We cannot, and will not stand around and watch the useless mass murdering of innocent lawns, so we do not mearly praise the good, but we punish the wicked. We let the world know of their wickedness.

Here is another fine example of our soldiers in the field, placing the truth out there for the world to read. This sign lasted 20 minutes before the homeowner pulled it out of the ground. We then replaced it. This went on for two days before we were arrested, but once we argued our case to a judge, all charges were dropped, and the sign went back up. Justice, this time, did not turn her blind eye upon us.

What can I do to help PEWP?

Become a PEWPer today! Many are joining our ranks as we speak! We scour the globe looking for the injustice done to innocent plants! From people who are vegitarians, or as I call them, Plant Cannibals. To posting signs like you’ve seen above. We must praise the good, and also we will punish the evil! We have rallies, we have raffles, we have publications! OUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD! Never doubt what our power, united, can do! It is truly amazing what we can do with mass numbers. We will take those assholes at PITA, and put them to shame. Who would ever want a PETA when they can have a PEWP?!

NO ONE!

What about your kids? You ask? Well, regrettably, since we are an organization of epic proportions, we ask that everyone be of legal age. But encourage your children to learn to be a good PEWPer. So, for our Junior PEWPers, we have badges, buttons if you will, it will show PEWPing in a great light, and encourage their positive thinking. Junior PEWPers will be known as our PEWPer Troopers! This will show their pride, their freedom of correct choices, and hey, buttons are fun!

Our message is coming out all over the planet, and even celebrities are joining in on the PEWP Movement! We have Tshirts for sale, to show your pride. The proceeds go to helping us grow, not for anyones own gain. Soon, the entire planet will know, and everyone will be PEWPing to save the earth! Don’t let another moment pass you by, my friends. Is there anything more important in this world, than PEWPing to save the earth? Definitely not! Without PEWP, your grass will die, and your yard will look like Utah. YOU DON’T WANT THAT! I promise you!!

On a final note, I wanted to share an important story with you. I went to McD’s and I sat in the Play Place. There was a little girl sitting there, and I told her that PETA wanted to take away her happy meal. Naturally, she looked sad, and I told her, its ok, they can’t make you eat nothing but green beans. She said, I HATE GREENBEANS! I said ME TOO!!! And then I told her about PEWPing. She understood and loved it, of course. Her mind was opened to better thinking.. but when I told her the story of what people are doing to the poor lawns of this earth.. well let me show you what happened.

It was not pretty. She was hysterical, and I too, felt the agony this child experienced as she was infused with the truth of the matter. So please friends, we need to help our mother earth. We need to PEWP together! Only we can do this, only we can save our planet. We will not give up our chicken sammiches, and we will not give up our Big Macs, because that would be stupid as fuck. But more so, we will NOT give up our plants to be drained for their life force, to be mercilessly decapitated over and over again. I know, deep down, you know that you too, cannot give into the tyrany of John Deer, Torro, and Weed Be Gone. Save our planet. PEWP.

Thank you.