Summer Vacation, bitch!!

Hello my friends. Remember me? Its been a very long time since we’ve been together and I must confess.. I’ve missed you. Have you missed me too?

Well thats not very nice.. but I just..well I.. but.. Just let me explain!

Fine, here we go. An explination.  its summer time, bitches, and I’m one busy jungle dwelling treehouse living cracka! Thats right, cr1ck3e enjoys the summer vacation too! I’ve done lots of things this summer, but I’ve made a promise before we go on about the greatness of summer vacation. I have made a promise to you, my loyal lovelies, in a few different emails.. so my one mention of it is here. This story.. as long as it is, will be delightfully free of the mention of my totally awesome jeep. You know who you are, and you’re welcome. ON WITH THE MOTHA FUCKIN SHOW!!!!!

Summer vacation has been around since the time of Moses. Don’t believe me? Why do you think they were wandering lost in the wilderness for so long? Too much partying.  Well growing up, I too partook in summer vacation. For my twenty two years of grade school before dropping out in the 3rd grade, I spent many years of summer vacation. This makes me not only an expert on the subject matter at hand, but also a proficiant practicer of the art of fucking off for months and sometimes years at a time. Now that we have that clear, lets get to whats important!

And now for the excuses reasons as to why my blog has been silent since May. I have been busy fucking off..taking a nap..WORKING! Yes, thats it, I have been working, and now I am here working hard to bring you to the truth once again, but since you’re wondering what I’ve been doing all summer so far.. lets talk about the important things I’ve been doing.

 

I have spent a lot of time driving around this land locked hell hole we here call home, but I’ve been doing it in such a way thats fantastical that i also promised i would not talk about.  

 

As you all know, I was once a DJ on the radio, this means I have a deep love for music in its purest form. One of the greatest things to do during the summer, while you’re busy being as unproductive as possible, you listen to music. cr1ck3e is no exception to this rule! I do so love lots of music, even if I hate american Idol with a passion. So to combine my love for music and my hate for idol, i decided to listen to lots of music from one of the more talented contestants on that show! And I think that contestant was pleased that I did!

Now, world cup soccer has been going on. Or if you’re from anywhere other than the usa, you call it football. (which makes more sense than soccer) i too love watching world cup, and have spent many hours cheering on teams which have been eliminated already as the finale approaches, but the whole point is, to watch is a wonderful thing. If you don’t think world cup is awesome, theres something wrong with you.

What would summer be without fun in the sun and a bit of RnR on the beach? One can have a lot of fun in a land locked hell hole that does not include a beach, but summer without the beach eats the ass out of one of those crazy looking blue ass baboons. And it is for that reason, that your hero travelled to a place where there was beach. Unfortunately, as you can see, the paparazzi follows me where ever I go. this is why I rarely leave home, and only eat bugs i find in the dirt out back. 

Summer vacation in its truest form, was invented so the children could help with the crops though, so essentially.. It was invented for WORK, and so, I too, decided to do some work. Important work.

Thus, we nine companions set out from Rivendale, but we were seperated from the short gay kids and those creepy older guys. This is when the fun began, because me and a few thousand awesome bastards raised an army and we pillaged saved the world! Thats right, you didnt even know it happened, but your lives were totally saved. You’re welcome.

But summertime is way to busy to stand around and take pictures of every thing that happens so that about wraps up my summer in pictures. I know you’re sad, but life goes on! Besides, summer isnt over yet.. I just wanted to show you proof, truthful reasons why I missed the last month worth of blogging before we continue on to the real meat of the program. Besides, 90% of all blogs showcase pictures and stories of shit that happens to people and so why should I be totally different? And so, there you have, the ultimate reasons why I said NO! to the month of June.  

Vacationing.

This takes us to the next point of importance. Vacationing is one of the ultimate ways to relax, but also one of the biggest ways to show off you’re an asshole. This is also why I love to vacation.

For instance, when you are here…  you’re probably having a great time. The average person does not think about what is going on back home. I do. Call it sick, twisted, perverted or otherwise, but I wonder what is life like for my friends back home right now?

Because I know what it was like when I left, and I know that it is very likely they are still experiencing this… Which brings us to one of the biggest asshole moves of all eternity. This is a move I always do when vacationing in situations like this. I do it, you probably do too.. and it makes you an asshole as well. Welcome to the club, I’m the president.

Postcards.

Theres no bigger asshole move then to remind people who are stuck back home working their asses off.. where exactly you are, and how nice it is for you there. Its the ultimate satisfaction while you’re on vacation, and therefore, you always do it. Some people think its nice to send a postcard from where they are.. those people are dumbshits who typically have no clue as to how much their so called friends hate them. Its a beautiful thing, and when you get home, all you do is talk about how much fun you had and then you ask: did you get the card i sent?! Why yes, I did actually, and i fucking hate you for it. i wish the sun would have ignited your face while you were there so i’d never have to speak to you again you cock sucking prostitue eating stain of life! 

Since I have a firm grasp on reality and know that most people hate me for my insight and ability to mock their over zealous work habits, i always send as many postcards as possible. The last time I went on a vacation, i sent five postcards to everyone i knew each day i was there. Each one said the same thing, I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN! I KNOW YOU ARE NOT BUT BE HAPPY FOR ME! KTHXBYE!

Cards cards cards. They all suck. Postcards, playing cards, flash cards, and greeting cards. Seems like no matter what time of year it is, you cannot escape a day where a card should be sent. Greeting cards especially piss me off. If there was one thing in this world i could abolish without any denial, it would not be hunger, disease, or war.. It would be Scott Stapp. If there were two things, it’d be Scott Stapp and greeting cards. Followed by French Canadia.

Seems like for whatever occasion happens, you should include a card. As a male, I often fail at this task miserably. Ladies, here’s a secret about men you should know. We don’t give a flying fuck about greeting cards, and the fact that you do is not only recoculous, but we also don’t understand why. Its true, i’m sorry. We don’t give a fuck about cards, and neither should you do. But you do, and we want to get laid, so we go to the card isle at the super market. Its daunting and scary. If there is a hell where I will not rule, it will be Walmart’s card isle. An eternity of indecisiveness staring at what seems to be the same card redesigned 43 fucking times so we *think* theres an important choice to make, when really you can pick any one of them because essentially they all say the same damn thing. Lets take the important cards first.

Birthdays. How many different ways are there to say Happy Motha Fucking Birthday? My love, happy birthday- the sappy way. Hey you old motherfucker, happy birthday! – the funny way. The abligatory, heres a picture of someone who is sexy as fuck and you’ll never get to touch them card. (which i always get, because they are total asshole move.. not only does it say happy birthday, but it also says you’re a star trek loving dickwad who gets no play) Don’t forget the to my *insert family member relation here* on your birthday. Its bullshit. So for a woman, we get the “To you my love, on your birthday. The earth sighed and the angels sang the day you came to this world, just as my heart did the day you entered my world.” Aww, how mother fuckin sweet.. and.. we.. SCOOOOREE!!! GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! So you get something similar for us, because we’re so sensative and loving. Want a good birthday card idea for next year, ladies? Get a sharpie. Keep it, because you’re going to use it a lot. Across your boobs write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Thats the card a man really wants. Ahh this is so educational! LETS KEEP GOING!"

Christmas. Thats right, we’re covering the big ones! Christmas cards are also the same fucking thing repeated in lots of different idiotic ways, however- they are festive! That makes the FUN! Right? theres santa, theres frosty. Happy Anti-Jew Holiday! Merry Hope an Obese Man Comes Down Your Chimney Day! Sometimes if you go to the right place, you see Happy Birthday Jesus!! But who do you send that card to really? Again though, we find ourselves in the isle looking for that card that tells our lady friends “I’m buying you this awesome card so you’ll give me some Christmas sex even though we’re in your parent's trailer!” So, the translation of that is something like “To the one I love on this most festive of days.. The greatest gift this season is the love we share.. “ We give the card with a shy smile that speaks  volumes, and those volumes read, “I HOPE I SPENT ENOUGH TO GET ME SOME!” So ladies, its card time for you! What do you pick! IT DOESNT MATTER! We don’t give a hot goddamn! But if you really want to give us a greeting card that will drive us wild, do it like this, remember.. its christmas, so lets be festive ok! You take that same sharpie that you bought before and you use it. On your inner thighs you write “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”

Your man will love you for eternity. And you will be a Christmas Hero!

The final major card giving day that we all loathe the most is upon us, and it is not only over done, and overly commercialized.. but it also is the greatest bullshit day in the calendar year. Valentine’s Day. Men hate Valentine’s day, and we hate it because its not FOR us. How selfish, women have their own personal holiday that screams LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! We don’t like this. Its because we scratch ourselves inappropriately in public, we make rude noises and we smell funny. But on this day, we’re going to dress up, we’re going to shower, we’re going to buy flowers, we’re going to buy some bling, and we’re gonna give you that fucking card that you’re craving so badly! This trip down the isle is horrible, because every card is red and that makes it even harder to choose which variation of the same few sentences. There’s a method I use, boys, allow me to introduce you to it. First, close your eyes, this kind of card you don’t pick with your eyes, you pick it with your heart, you trust that FEELING! So close your fuckin eyes. Not right now, dipshit! Ok, so your eyes are closed, and then your spin in circles until you can barely stand. Yes, this is the truth as to how i pick one. THen you stop spinning and keep your eyes SHUT! This is very important, keep, your. eyes. closed. You stumble, you reach for something to steady yourself, but no, you’re not steadying yourself, you’re steadying your heart boys. Reach out, and as you stumble like Lindsay Lohan after a night of 3 bottles of tequilla and 15 guys, your finally going to touch a card. Pull it off the shelf. this is the perfect card, your heart lead you to it. It was a FEELING! Good news, it reads, “To the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. On this day of love, no words can truly express the overwhelming fullness my heart beats out with every thump with each thought of you. Each glance, each smile, each touch. I love you more now than ever before, and my cup; though brimming to overflowing, grows to bursting as my heart grows with love for you each and every day. I love you, Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Goddamn I should work for Hallmark, are you reading this shit?  I’m fucking good. Funny, I havent had a real valentine since 1974. Hmm. Anyways, we rarely get a card, because Valentine’s Day is NOT for us, but if you want to give us something we’ll truly enjoy, then get out that sharpie again, this time, words do not describe your love and our lust. Be artistic, draw hearts. You know where.

Since women get their own day, we too should get ours. I know you’ve gotten the text just like me. March 20th. MAN’S LOVE-ISH TYPE HOLIDAY! Its called, Cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day! I’ve noticed Walmart does not carry a card, so with the help of the printing press I bought for PEWP, I have started to toss out cards for this day. Ladies, this is the one day where you don’t have to get naked and graffiti your body for us. You can give us a card, because to follow should only be a Steak and a BlowJob. So here it is, the unveiling for you all! Tadaaa! Isn’t it great? For inquiries on price and shipping for the one card that expresses true love to your man, please feel free to email me. I’ll be happy to give you prices, and new designs are coming out EVERY FUCKIN DAY! Happy happy happy!!!!

As we wrap up this return to blogging, there was another subject I wanted to approach. How about vacation food? Summer Food? Am I talking about the BBQ? Nope, I’m talking about the one thing you can do to keep yourself from cooking, and thats some fucking Pizza. I know, its a stretch to make it fit, but i figured I’d give you some filler since its been a long time since I wrote. Do you see how much I love you all? LOVE LOVE LOVE! Wheres my fucking steak?

Pizza places rock, and we should give them glory, besides, I just realized all the drivers are either meth addicts who need money for their fix or COLLEGE STUDENTS HOME FOR SUMMER! Thats right, we’re supporting summer now! Huzzah!

I like Pizza Hut. Its good, its hand tossed and they have the meat lovers, not to be confused with the title of Adam Lamberts next album.   

Pizza Hut’s best feature though, is easily the meat lovers pizza. it is covered in carnivorous goodness, and it is quite filling. if you’ve never had one before, then I think you might have spent your life under a rock.

Domino’s Pizza is a glorious thing. I’ve had it more times than I can count, but thats also because I suck at my abc’s and therefore cannot count passed the letter three. Their thin crust is easily the best of all thin crusts.. but they also have the garlic breaded crust which is fantastical. Order one today, but remember, never tip the delivery guy. Thats right, they add in delivery fee’s anymore, and so its not worth your time to tip unless its snowing like a crazy bastard outside, and then you tip like this, “Hey, get a better job!”

Papa John’s. Papa has one downside when compared to the other moguls of mozzarella, and thats the price. They tend to cost a bit more, but is it worth it? FUCK YES! Because sometimes you just want the Papa in your mouth. Wait. But it also comes with the awesome garlic butter dipping stuff. now heres a truth you may not know about me.. I typically don’t eat crust. Its horrible, I know, but it is also true. I like to share my crust with the dogs, and they appreciate me for it. How do they show their appreciation? They, with love, eat my bluray cases. but when the papa is in the house, they get NO CRUST FROM ME! The poor bastards cry. Then with anger, they eat my bluray cases. But another plus of the Papa’s Pizza is that it comes with a couple peperocini’s which are like spicy heaven to your tongue. Now, the real question is.. does the dipping shtuff and pepperocini’s make up the difference for the cost? Fuck no. But hey, one time, I ordered a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza and it fucked up my guts for like a week straight. That is worth the cost. Every time.

The final pizza place to cover is the one who sucks total ass. Papa Murphy’s. I’ve known people who swear by this place, and all i can say is.. wait, what the fuck? WHY?! Take n Bake. We’re gonna roll out some dough put shit on it and then sell it to you at too high of a price and you’re going to have to work for that pizza bitch, go home and COOK IT! Fuck you. Theres nothing worse than ordering a pizza, going to pick it up, paying too much, and then you have to drive the 20 minutes back home and wait another half an hour before you get to fucking eat. Who the fuck does this? Why does papa murphys exist? Because it totally shouldnt. anyone who buys a pizza from there deserves to have their eyes ripped out and force fed to them with a spork because they saw something on tv they thought was great. they tried it once, and then kept diong it. its like drug addiction, you only do it because you’re totally stupid, you fucking idiot. No one sells me a pizza i have to work for. EVER. I’ve already worked for it, you son of a bitch, the proof is that Andy Jackson sitting in the palm of your hand. So remember kids, just say NO to Papa Murphys, they are the anti pizza place that really is sadistic and hates you.

Disclaimer: On a note of drug addiction, that does not include cigarettes, because as everyone knows, cigarettes make you look cool.

And on a final note, summer blockbusters!

This years big blockbuster totally is worth going to see, riiigghht?

Thats right, this year the twilight saga continues. The real saga is why hasnt Rob Pattinson’s head fallen off. I mean, Look at his hair.. it keeps getting bigger and bigger. He has quickly reached the level of douche status that Brett Michaels took a career to get to! This story is so lovely though, remember what I say… Bella and Jacob. Doggie Style. Maybe Snoops on the soundtrack? Heres a question. I’ve noticed people walk around with “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” paraphenailia on.. My question is, haven’t all the fans out there read the books? Because, if you have read the books then you already know that this team jacob shit is really retarded, because he loses. It’d be like me driving around with a John Kerry 4 Prez sticker on my car. I’m not going to do that. I mean, I never did support that cum stain, but even if i HAD i would have taken the sticker off by now, wouldn’t you? Its like driving around saying, “HI! I SUPPORT LOSERS!” So, here’s a salute to all you Team Jacob fanbois.

You are retarded.

But, then again, so are the Team Edwards. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship, I don’t want someone cheering me on. Fact is, I don’t need cheering, and I can’t be in relationships ANYWAYS due to that thing with the FBI investigation back in 93. Nevermind. Go see the movie, i’m sure its just as horrible as the book was, which on my grade scale did get an amazing F+ which was not a stretch at all, it was straight honesty. But, just like with greetingcards.. thats right fella’s, you get to take your girl to see it. Why? Because that kind of love is so powerful, that maybe if she’s a team jacober, you can hit it doggie style later. If she’s Team Edward, she’ll just bitch at you, but hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll thank you with an impromptu cook me a steak and give me a blowjob day!

Fear.

Today I think we’ll cover a very serious subject matter. As you can see from the title, we’ll cover; fear. Fears are everywhere, but we’ll not discuss stupid fears, like random phobias that make no sense what so ever.. Oh no, we’ll discuss real fears that can plague your dreams, turning even the most peaceful of rests into such dismay that you’ll never close your eyes again. Please keep in mind, the following is not for the weak of heart.. only the strong will make it through this blog with their wits intact. Proceed with caution!!

Well, to say I have no fear would be a lie. I – like the rest of you, have my fair share of fears. I won’t tell you what they are though, because they are so intense that you won’t know what to do with yourself after reading them  … then again, that sounds amusing so perhaps I *will* tell you them. So, having fears makes me an expert on the subject and therefore i nearly have a phd in this, so listen up chumps! This shits about to get REAL!!!

 

Before we delve into that which will haunt you, I’d like to start off with a few announcements. First off, I’m writing to you today like a real writer as I am now the proud owner of my very own laptop, and no longer have to sit at a desk to write! Thats right ladies and germs! I am now sitting at a tiny ass screen and keyboard, with cigarette in hand, smashing away at keys which are causing even more spelling and grammatical errors than ever before!! You may have noticed, frequently that I do not proof read nor do I spell check my blogs. But why you ask? It is because that would take more effort than I really want to give AND furthermore, I am afraid of spellcheck. That’s right, Spellchecking is the devil. It scares the hell out of me for a number of reasons, but the king of these reasons is because to use spell checking would be to admit that I can make a mistake in my crusade to bring you the truth, and that could never happen.

 

UPDATE

It was brought to my attention by a few readers that our dearly beloved Ryan Seacrest made reference to Brian Dunkleman last night on Idol. Thankfully for the DVR which some people possess, I crept out of my cave, hissed at daylight, and went to see for myself! Turns out, it was true! No one in the crowd really knew who the fuck he was talking about when he mentioned him, and I think about 1.32 people clapped, but the the truth of the matter is what is most important, and that is this: Ryan Seacrest reads my blog. That’s straight hilarity in the flesh, and I should likely take the next few lines to apologize for the mass amounts of jokes I indiscriminately tossed out at his expense… I’m not going to though, because that’d just be silly and a waste of time. So my loving readers, thank you for reading, and that includes you Seacrest! But I’m not out yet! Oh hell no, I’m just getting warmed up. But you see, I’m like a fat kid getting ready for gym class, my warm up consists of a snickers bar, mountain dew, and wiping my nose on my sleeve, Therefore, I’m so unprepared for this blog that it too will likely take me more than one day to finish. Seeing as how its late does not help our cause. Who cares though?? On with the show!

 

As I said, fear comes in many different ways shapes and forms. Sometimes it is unnesessary  to be afraid of something, and therefore it lowers ones intelligence to be afraid some something to trivial and stupid. There are some real things to definitely be afraid of, and that’ll be our main focus on the day.

CLOWNS

Clowns are freaky as fuck and you should really be afraid of them if you are not. I’ve spoken with a few people and most people ARE in fact, afraid of clowns. This is good for them, and human kind. Clowns will fuck you up in so many ways.

You see here an innocent looking, and very happy clown. His goal in life seems simple: to entertain you, and other small children and make them smile. This could not be further from the truth my friends. The truth is, the are demons from hell that are sent by Satan to the earth to populate, procreate, and dominate. Their one goal in life: To terrorize the shit out of you!

Most people who are afraid of clowns, are afraid of them because of a fellow named Stephen King, who terrorized an entire generation with his thrilling story: IT. If you’re between the ages of zero and one billion and 5, you’ve seen this book turned into a movie and had the life scared out of you by this homocidal maniac clown who would not only eat your soul, but cackle the entire time. As it stands, you likely have not seen this clown since you watched it for the first time when you were about 12, so let me reintroduce you to the face of horror!

Fuck clowns! If you’re walking down the street tomorrow and you see a clown, please take my advice and turn and walk a different direction, for that clown is looking to murder you in an unspeakable fashion, claim your soul for Satan’s army, and likely he’ll deficate on your dead body… and thats just not nice. Hell, that’s meaner than even I could do. Here’s a picture of what a clown really looks like. Be very, very, afraid.

Spiders

Some people are afraid of spiders.. I must confess, this is a rather strange thing to be afraid of. First off, lets look at a cute, cuddley little spider.

This spider means you no harm! He is innocent of all charges and racial slurs against him. To hate a spider, and be afraid of it is lunacy. When I see a spider, I don’t scream and cry, OMG A SPIDER!

Fuck no, I see that spider and I high five him with my pinky finger.. Eight fuckin times! This is a sure fire way to cure anyone’s phobia of spiders. You need to approach the spider with honesty and bravery, you must nod respectfully, and you must high five in a fashion that appeases the said spider.

But seriously, why would anyone be afraid of a spider? I can understand why you would be afraid of a lion. A lion can eat yo ass. Hell, a lion could eat you and still be hungry unless you’re a massive 400 lbs land monsters. If you are a massive land monsters, please see my blog on reality television.. you need to go on the biggest loser, friend. But no, a spider cannot do anything to you to really hurt you much. REMEMBER! There are NO spiders like the one in Lord of the Rings!

Now, if you were to enter say, a cave, like where I live, you might find a spider that can eat you. I personally try to keep those as pets since I get along with spiders so well, and I have found that once trained propperly they make AMAZING watch dogs. Everyone needs a look out to watch their back, and what better look out than a creature with multiple eyes, and a shit ton of legs. Also, webs are cool even if they are a bit too sticky for my tastes. So, remember, the next time you see a spider, if its not 10-20 feet tall.. chances are you have no reason to be afraid of it, so sit down and offer it a cup of bugs, make a new friend for once, then everyone won’t think you’re such a hermit. Hell, it might be prudent to name them, that way instead of saying to your friends: So I was talking to this spider yesterday.. – you’re actually going to say, “So I was talking to Herman the other day..” Do you see how much more sane and real that sounds? Good! We agree then? Excellent! Lets move on to the next subject matter!

Bugs

Wit the mention of Spiders, it is only logical to transition straight into bugs. Bugs are terrifying to some people, and to the rest of us with half of a brain in our skulls, we don’t understand why. The truth of the matter is,  yes, they are creepy crawly. Yes they have lots of legs, but don’t hate on them for their multiple legs. Chances are this fear stems from loathing and envy for multiple legs because you know deep down in your soul, if you could have a fuck ton of legs, you’d totally do it. Imagine taking a walk with 6 legs. How easy would that be? It’d be easier than anything. Hell, it’d take you a long ass time before you ever even got tired! How cool would that be? Plus, you could run really fast like you were superman or something, and that’d be even cooler. Bugs are your friends, and they can’t eat your face or anything, so why be scared of them? Bugs are so friendly that they actually made a hit movie about them called: A Bugs Life. This movie starred lots of bugs. It was pleasant and cheerful.

My sister in law is afraid of crickets. Its easy to understand when you look at this beautifully edited picture of one. Crickets are probably trying to take over the world and that would normally give a person cause for concern, but the simple matter is, they are smaller than a quarter and weigh less. They have no weapons of mass destruction, and war against them, though it may be immanent, will be easily won, because we can crush them with our mighty shoes. Crickets- 0 Humans- 1

Airplanes

Why the fuck would anyone ever in the history of the world, be afraid of an airplane? That makes no sense at all. First off, lets look at the statistical facts:

1. Safer than cars
2. Faster than cars
3. Bigger than cars
4. Flown by pro’s not assholes on cellphones
5. No drunk drivers in the air.

Now we divulge. They are safer than cars.. and mainly because they’re not only flown by a professional who knows what the fuck he’s doing, but that guy isn’t some woman talking on her cell, curling her hair, drinking her coffee, putting eye make up on, smoking a cigarette ALL while trying to get to work in the morning. I see this all the time, you know you have too. Its scary as fuck to see a woman doing that whilst driving her car. In fact, I’d say its better to be afraid of women drivers such as these than it is airplanes. Also, you can’t get a dui in the air, and the speed thing is awesome because there are no air cops out there waiting to bust a pilot’s ass for doing 300+ miles per hour.

There is however, one real reason to be afraid of riding in an airplane: The Red Baron. 

If you’re flying along for whatever reason and you look out your tiny ass plastic window and you see THIS next to you.. be afraid! Be very fucking afraid, because this guy can kill you with his eyes closed! He’s the greatest, most infamous badass of all time.  He' is so awesome that they even named some pizza after him. I myself do not have a pizza named after me. Yet.

Aliens

When it comes to little green men from Mars, who wouldn’t be afraid? Me. I don’t think alien’s are something to be afraid of. Think on it, people say OMG! They are kidnapping nurses and cows and give each anal probes! Seriously? This is what you’re afraid of? First off, if Alien’s can get to earth, then we know two major points of worry. First off, they know we really do exist, where as we have no physical evidence of them. They also know where we are and and how to get here. If thats the case, they’re obviously far smarter than us, and even though we’re all constantly trying new things that include but are not limited to sticking things up our collective asses.. Like our heads.. We still have no factual truth about them. So, even though I am adamantly opposed to anything doing any kind of probing up my bum.. I find that if alien’s are real, we have many problems which are bigger than, “What will he stick in my ass today.” Translation: If aliens ARE real, then we got seriously massive problems which do not include having something rammed up your dark star. With this sound logic strengthening you, you know your black cherry will remain intact and undisturbed by aliens. They’ll prolly just kill us all anyways. If you do want to fear aliens, fear the illegal kind because they are after your jobs, social security and wellfare. And if theres one thing that scares the hell out of me, its ghosts. If theres another thing though, its someone stealing my wellfare. How dare it run out and force me to get a job? If i have to go get a “real job” theres a good chance I might die. And that’d be a fate worse than cheerios. On a side note; the fear of Kara Diaguardi also falls into this category as she is the queen mother ailien from the Aliens movies.. (See American Idol blog) Now despite the rest of the aliens from outter space being something you don’t have to fear, Kara Diaguardi is something to fear as she wants to eat you, OR lay eggs in you so her babies can pop out of your chest. This phobia is known as Karadiaquariaphobia. Its real.

Cornfields

That’s right, cornfields. They are scary as fuck, and if you’re wise you’ll avoid them like a colonoscopy – like the kind an alien would never give you. Think back to our knowledge of the world that we’ve learned from living. Heres the number one fact to remember: Bad shit always happens in a cornfield. Theres never a good thing that happens when it comes to corn fields. Thank you Stephen King for Children of the Corn. That’s actually not the scary part, the scariest part of that is that shit really happens. People go to check to the water or the scarecrow, and they never fucking come back. Their remains are found after harvest.. and there isn’t much left of these said remains.. hence the name.. remains. There are many reasons which a cornfield is dangerous though. Scarecrows can come alive, and in fact they are not some stupid brainless retard like from the wizard of oz, but rather they are a spawn of darkness and evil, and the only way the can keep alive is to eat human flesh. Ritual sacrifices take place in corn fields. Why? Because you can hide the evidence of a crime there. Everyone knows that corn fields are spooky, so when someone goes missing theres always that clever deputy who suggests. Hey maybe we should look in old farmer tuck’s corn field… But the sheriff always sets him straight with a horror story of poor Deputy Clarke who went into the corn field looking for something once.. They never saw his ass again.. because he was ritually sacrificed to a demon scarecrow.

Going back to the fear of aliens.. Cornfields have a huge connection to aliens. Aliens are really like 3 year olds with finger paint.. but the canvas is not their bedroom wall while mommy isn’t looking.. oh no, its a motherfucking cornfield. Why? Because people don’t get it, and aliens, though they don’t want to stick something in your keester, are actually assholes themselves. We look at crop circles and we get cornfused as fuck. How did this happen? How COULD this happen? Some people have claimed humans do it, which is bullshit. The only humans brave enough to go into a cornfield much less one at night, are drunk rednecks who can’t spell their own names, much less make a sweet ass drawing outta the corn that fucking confuses everyone. Get real, people can’t make these, aliens do. So as a recap as to why there is total justification for the fear of cornfields:

• Aliens
• Ritual Sacrifice
• Demon Scarecrows

Shit, I don’t see why we need corn at all. You know theres a town in this land locked hellhole that has a corn festival? Needless to say, I’ve never been. First off, corn is NOT that good of a vegetible. Secondly, there’s always a washed up band there.. and finally and most importantly, it takes place in a cornfield. You won’t catch me dead in a cornfield, but if I ever end up in one by a freak of nature, I’ll surely end up dead.

Beer

A phobia of beer? Seriously? Some people have phobias of anything, but this one is just rather stupid to have, don’t you think? Well you may be right.. OR you may be.. wrong?

Thats right, theres a lot you can actually fear when it comes to beer. First off, Beer Goggles. That is something to definitely be afraid of. Secondly, “GOHOMOPHOBIA” The fear of going home after a party that ended prematurely because the beer ran out. These are all very easy to understand.. but a fear of beer itself? How can this be? There is only one way in which I can answer this question for you, and it is this:

That’s right, overrated, shitty tasting, horrible, horrible beer. Such as Budweiser. If you were faced with the choice of having to drink Budweiser or not drink at all, you’d have to pick not drinking at all, since Bud is really just that bad. The proof is in the nicknames. Buttwiper. Badweiser. The list goes on and on, but the fact remains, this beer is over advertised, over rated, and over sold. Hell, I’d rather drink Boon’s than this shit. Fuck Bud and all its evil spawns of reincarnation. Such as Bud Lite. I’d rather force a spoon down my throat than drink this shit. This is Desiree’s fear too.. make no mistake, I am not the only one with this logical fear.. If you don’t think bud sucks, someone ought to push you down a flight of stairs. If you survive that tumble, you’ll proudly exclaim to the world, “BUDWEISER SUCKS!” You salute every truck you see with a middle finger, and though no one may understand you, you’ll know that you’re not only justified, but right! That’s right, you too can help spread it; the truth. Its only saving grace, its TV commercials. And thats not enough to save it. Back to more fears!

 

Snakes

Are snakes really scary? There was a movie starring Samuel L Jackson called snakes on a plane.. it was not scary. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but never saw it. The reason you never saw it is because it was so horrible, watching it just once could melt your face. This is why I don’t look at cameras in pictures.. I was one of the unlucky ones to see it and lose part of my looks because of it. But the reality is, snakes are not scary, generally speaking… but they CAN be scary. Observe.

In this picture, one could accurately say that snakes can be quite scary. The fact is though, you’ll never have an application of snakes of this magnitude come at you. When will you ever see this many snakes in one place at one time? The answer is: Never. That means that snakes are in fact, not scary. But some people can make snakes scary. Once again I show you the the truth:

As you look at this person, at first you think, wait, what? Then take a closer look and you SEE the fucking snakes! That’s not right! These snakes are fucking this person up! Snakes are definitely scary! But you have to stop and think about it for a minute.. Did the snakes do this? Or was this a stupidity thing from some human who ought to be abducted and studied by aliens. The truth is, the snakes are scary, yes, but they are scary ONLY with the aid of the retard in this picture. There is something definitely wrong with this person. This picture does not show you a good reason to be scared of snakes, but rather, of people. Its pictures like this that make you wish this person would go to the Amazon where there is actually a snake large enough to eat them. This gives us a conundrum.. a snake, like a lion, can eat you. But I ask again, when will you ever see that snake in person? Its the reason you’re not scared of lions. you’re never going to get close enough to one to become a fleshy pizza roll, and you would never get close enough to a snake big enough to make you one. My final picture will show you that snakes are actually gentle creatures that you should love, and they are beautiful and artistic. Also, they have style. Final analysis: Snakes with the aid of humans are scary. By themselves, not.

See? Artistic and badass. Not scary at all.

 

 

 

Tornados

Some people fear mother nature for many reasons. Tornados are my nephews biggest fear, though I can’t exactly say why. When you live in a place that has wicked tornados, you’d think you’d become accustomed to dealing with them. Tornados are mother natures middle finger in the face of man kind. Its a giant “fuck you, and you’re fucking trailer park!” That makes them even better because as we all know, trailer parks are… simply put.. not cool. At all. Ever. In the history of the world there has never been a cool trailer park. The way I see it, Tornados are doing us a favor by destroying them. If I could have one dream job it would be: Hugh Heffner. If I could pick a job thats not necessarily a dream job but equally very cool, it’d be a storm chaser, thats for Goddamned sure. Bet on it.

 

Rats

Rats are terrifying, so shut your fucking mouth! How dare you laugh at my phobia? I really hate these plague carrying fucks. They are tiny, they squeak, they are not cute. Some people say, oh thats not a rat, its a mouse. FUCK YOU. Small and  white is a rat too. Large and gray, also a fucking rat. I hate them with a passion of a trazillion fires. First off, they can bite, and if there were a ton of them, and they all attacked you, you’d die. And when you see one, inevitably you see two. So obviously, they live as a miniture, more evil – wolf. They carry plague. The black death was because of rats. They have hunta virus. Pandemic. Thats right bitches, they can kill you without you ever seeing one.. by the pewp. Thats just not cool at all. Not being able to face your enemy in mortal combat is a total rip off of life. But for those of you who keep them as pets.. I hope they chew through their cages, find you in your sleep and eat your eyeballs. Fuck rats.

This also includes guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, and chinchillas. Not ferrets though, they are weasels and weasels rule. Birds are kind of creepy too, especially pigeons. I like to call them Air Rats. Fuck Air Rats. God, I think I think I need to go wash myself now.

 

Mirrors

Yes its a real phobia, and yeah, I have it. Mirrors are just fucking WRONG. I’m relatively certain mirrors are gateways, windows, if you will, into another dimension. There’s something on the other side, I’m telling you that for certain, and what its is.. its not good. Look at movies, they can guide you in this. In a movie, when someone looks into a mirror, something bad ALWAYS happens. This is because mirrors are straight evil. In this other dimension, where the evil lives, they watch us through mirrors, like we’re TV or something. Don’t believe me? Well lets examine the facts. How often do you really look into a mirror. Someone is ALWAYS looking back, even if you don’t realize it. Ever make a funny face in the mirror and then you laugh, but its a nervous laugh. Why is it a nervous laugh? Because you get this creeped out feeling that SOMONE IS WATCHING YOU. Whats worse? Someone IS watching you, fool! They’re probably laughing and plotting your doom too! Ever have sex in front of a mirror? Porno for the other dimension. These are not polite suggestions, they are facts, my friends. Mirrors are, without a doubt, creepier than rats. They don’t walk and squeak and carry disease, but where ever you see one, you see evil, and you see them every day, no matter where you go. They are in your house, in your car, at your work, in the bathroom, on the ceiling for some of you freaks.. You cannot escape them. They’re not following you, they are fucking Visa, everywhere you want to be. So avoid them like rats.

Ever see something in a mirror you were sure wasn’t there a second ago? Of course you have, heres the scariest part: It wasn’t there a second ago, your mind didn’t make it up, but you you still, nervously, make an excuse, oh it was a hard day, long week, too much stress… But the truth is you’re too afraid to admit the reality of it: Evil. Its here, its watching, and it fucking sees you.

 

Under the Bed

What the hell is under your bed? Its something bad, and you know it. At some point in out lives, we realize that there is definitely something evil under the bed. When you’re a kid, its the boogey man. After you watched IT, its a fucking clown. Now that you’re a growed up, you think, how silly of me to think there was something evil under my bed all these years, and theres like, totally not. Ha..ha.. ha.. right? WRONG!!! YOUR TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG AND YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT! Under your bed is where all the bad shit in the world really is. Its not the boogey man, its not THE DARK. Its the motherfuckin Lord of Hell, and he’s waiting for you. He’s gonna grab that foot of yours if you stick it out too far. Have you ever been laying there in bed and you’re under the covers and you’re like OMG THIS BED IS TOO FUCKING HOT! So, like a brain child, you kick your leg out from under the covers.. then, instinctively, you feel vulnerable, naked.. And slowly, ever so slowly, you start to draw you leg back UNDER the covers no matter how fucking hot it is.

The next day, you laugh at yourself, nervously again.. because how silly are you to feel like something is under your bed when you’re what? Almost 30 years old? Get a grip, kid. Lets not be childish. So, you talk to yourself logically. Look, theres nothing under the fucking bed. I know, self. We can prove it! We don’t need to do that. WE WILL ANYWAYS! I really don’t think I want to! STOP CRYING LIKE A BITCH, SELF!!! So you look. It looks like this:

Yup. Dust. And a sock. Why are you so afraid? Because deep down, you KNOW that some evil.. you can’t see. But you can feel it. Kick your leg out from under the covers tonight, and if you’re really brave and think I’m crazy, hang it off the side of the bed. Dare you.

But sleep does not have to be so scary, my friends. Oh no.. Remember, your covers will always protect you, they are the ultimate shield. They cannot stop fire, nor nuclear holocaust, but they can, undoubtedly, stop the evil thats under your bed. Every fucking time. Sleep tight!

Death

The fear of death is a fear I think most people have somewhere in them. Seeing as how I am quite unusual, I myself do not fear death, and neither should you. I challenge death, and death is my bitch. Someone says, “He cr1ck3e! Would you like to have a smoke?” I say: “I’ll have two!! BRING IT!” I drive slow through intersections, but most people are too afraid to ram me. I jay walk, leisurely.. cars avoid me like the plague. The fact of it is, death will find you when you’re supposed to be found, you can’t run, or hide. Therefore, fearing death is probably the stupidest thing you actually CAN fear. Fearing something that is inherantly evil like a mirror, or the underside of your bed.. or fearing something thats nasty and can eat you, like a rat.. thats reasonable, its justifiable, and it makes total sense. Death is something that is not evil, nor is it avoidable, like rats- therefore, to fear death is to fear life. And if you fear life, I hope Arnold Swartzenegger runs up to you, screaming HEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! And then slaps you and calls you a girly man. If you’re a girl, he’ll just call you a democrat. But he’ll still slap you. Then he’ll slap your ass, because he is a totally rad womanizing bastard, which makes him a real american hero. The good news is, whenever people have a “near death” experience, they never see skeletor in a robe with a sweet as weapon. So perhaps its not that bad afterall hmm? No, they always see something that resembles this:

Tunnels, lights, bright lights.. sometimes you even see your grandma, but never skeletor. I myself will likely see Skeletor, since I am nearest to He-Man, I’ll meet him in the afterlife for a goddamned epic battle.  But its cool, because I’ll have an awesome loin cloth, a sweet broad sword, and reason to scream I HAVE THE POWWWEERRRR!!!!

I won’t lie thats how I dress all the time, and I scream that line over and over again, but my broad sword is made out of tin foil, so people mainly mock me and I cannot attack them in return, because i don’t want the blade to bend. One day thought, Skeletor, your boney ass will be mine!!! I HAVE THE.. wait, that sounded terrible..

 

So we’ve covered fear! You made it through this journey through hell with me, and I’m proud of you. This was like an episode of mythbusters. Some fears are totally justified, like clowns. Some fears, are a massive waste of time to have, and if you had them before, you won’t now. We’ve debunked a couple myths of fear, and put rationale to other fears, so now, you have seen the truth, and you’ll know just how to react when faced with Snakes, planes, snakes on a plane, skeletor, bright lights, rats, air rats, ice cream, mirrors, and clowns. Congratulations my friends, this has been a long road to recovery, but you’re stronger now. Now, do tell… What scares YOU?