Fear.

Today I think we’ll cover a very serious subject matter. As you can see from the title, we’ll cover; fear. Fears are everywhere, but we’ll not discuss stupid fears, like random phobias that make no sense what so ever.. Oh no, we’ll discuss real fears that can plague your dreams, turning even the most peaceful of rests into such dismay that you’ll never close your eyes again. Please keep in mind, the following is not for the weak of heart.. only the strong will make it through this blog with their wits intact. Proceed with caution!!

Well, to say I have no fear would be a lie. I – like the rest of you, have my fair share of fears. I won’t tell you what they are though, because they are so intense that you won’t know what to do with yourself after reading them  … then again, that sounds amusing so perhaps I *will* tell you them. So, having fears makes me an expert on the subject and therefore i nearly have a phd in this, so listen up chumps! This shits about to get REAL!!!

 

Before we delve into that which will haunt you, I’d like to start off with a few announcements. First off, I’m writing to you today like a real writer as I am now the proud owner of my very own laptop, and no longer have to sit at a desk to write! Thats right ladies and germs! I am now sitting at a tiny ass screen and keyboard, with cigarette in hand, smashing away at keys which are causing even more spelling and grammatical errors than ever before!! You may have noticed, frequently that I do not proof read nor do I spell check my blogs. But why you ask? It is because that would take more effort than I really want to give AND furthermore, I am afraid of spellcheck. That’s right, Spellchecking is the devil. It scares the hell out of me for a number of reasons, but the king of these reasons is because to use spell checking would be to admit that I can make a mistake in my crusade to bring you the truth, and that could never happen.

 

UPDATE

It was brought to my attention by a few readers that our dearly beloved Ryan Seacrest made reference to Brian Dunkleman last night on Idol. Thankfully for the DVR which some people possess, I crept out of my cave, hissed at daylight, and went to see for myself! Turns out, it was true! No one in the crowd really knew who the fuck he was talking about when he mentioned him, and I think about 1.32 people clapped, but the the truth of the matter is what is most important, and that is this: Ryan Seacrest reads my blog. That’s straight hilarity in the flesh, and I should likely take the next few lines to apologize for the mass amounts of jokes I indiscriminately tossed out at his expense… I’m not going to though, because that’d just be silly and a waste of time. So my loving readers, thank you for reading, and that includes you Seacrest! But I’m not out yet! Oh hell no, I’m just getting warmed up. But you see, I’m like a fat kid getting ready for gym class, my warm up consists of a snickers bar, mountain dew, and wiping my nose on my sleeve, Therefore, I’m so unprepared for this blog that it too will likely take me more than one day to finish. Seeing as how its late does not help our cause. Who cares though?? On with the show!

 

As I said, fear comes in many different ways shapes and forms. Sometimes it is unnesessary  to be afraid of something, and therefore it lowers ones intelligence to be afraid some something to trivial and stupid. There are some real things to definitely be afraid of, and that’ll be our main focus on the day.

CLOWNS

Clowns are freaky as fuck and you should really be afraid of them if you are not. I’ve spoken with a few people and most people ARE in fact, afraid of clowns. This is good for them, and human kind. Clowns will fuck you up in so many ways.

You see here an innocent looking, and very happy clown. His goal in life seems simple: to entertain you, and other small children and make them smile. This could not be further from the truth my friends. The truth is, the are demons from hell that are sent by Satan to the earth to populate, procreate, and dominate. Their one goal in life: To terrorize the shit out of you!

Most people who are afraid of clowns, are afraid of them because of a fellow named Stephen King, who terrorized an entire generation with his thrilling story: IT. If you’re between the ages of zero and one billion and 5, you’ve seen this book turned into a movie and had the life scared out of you by this homocidal maniac clown who would not only eat your soul, but cackle the entire time. As it stands, you likely have not seen this clown since you watched it for the first time when you were about 12, so let me reintroduce you to the face of horror!

Fuck clowns! If you’re walking down the street tomorrow and you see a clown, please take my advice and turn and walk a different direction, for that clown is looking to murder you in an unspeakable fashion, claim your soul for Satan’s army, and likely he’ll deficate on your dead body… and thats just not nice. Hell, that’s meaner than even I could do. Here’s a picture of what a clown really looks like. Be very, very, afraid.

Spiders

Some people are afraid of spiders.. I must confess, this is a rather strange thing to be afraid of. First off, lets look at a cute, cuddley little spider.

This spider means you no harm! He is innocent of all charges and racial slurs against him. To hate a spider, and be afraid of it is lunacy. When I see a spider, I don’t scream and cry, OMG A SPIDER!

Fuck no, I see that spider and I high five him with my pinky finger.. Eight fuckin times! This is a sure fire way to cure anyone’s phobia of spiders. You need to approach the spider with honesty and bravery, you must nod respectfully, and you must high five in a fashion that appeases the said spider.

But seriously, why would anyone be afraid of a spider? I can understand why you would be afraid of a lion. A lion can eat yo ass. Hell, a lion could eat you and still be hungry unless you’re a massive 400 lbs land monsters. If you are a massive land monsters, please see my blog on reality television.. you need to go on the biggest loser, friend. But no, a spider cannot do anything to you to really hurt you much. REMEMBER! There are NO spiders like the one in Lord of the Rings!

Now, if you were to enter say, a cave, like where I live, you might find a spider that can eat you. I personally try to keep those as pets since I get along with spiders so well, and I have found that once trained propperly they make AMAZING watch dogs. Everyone needs a look out to watch their back, and what better look out than a creature with multiple eyes, and a shit ton of legs. Also, webs are cool even if they are a bit too sticky for my tastes. So, remember, the next time you see a spider, if its not 10-20 feet tall.. chances are you have no reason to be afraid of it, so sit down and offer it a cup of bugs, make a new friend for once, then everyone won’t think you’re such a hermit. Hell, it might be prudent to name them, that way instead of saying to your friends: So I was talking to this spider yesterday.. – you’re actually going to say, “So I was talking to Herman the other day..” Do you see how much more sane and real that sounds? Good! We agree then? Excellent! Lets move on to the next subject matter!

Bugs

Wit the mention of Spiders, it is only logical to transition straight into bugs. Bugs are terrifying to some people, and to the rest of us with half of a brain in our skulls, we don’t understand why. The truth of the matter is,  yes, they are creepy crawly. Yes they have lots of legs, but don’t hate on them for their multiple legs. Chances are this fear stems from loathing and envy for multiple legs because you know deep down in your soul, if you could have a fuck ton of legs, you’d totally do it. Imagine taking a walk with 6 legs. How easy would that be? It’d be easier than anything. Hell, it’d take you a long ass time before you ever even got tired! How cool would that be? Plus, you could run really fast like you were superman or something, and that’d be even cooler. Bugs are your friends, and they can’t eat your face or anything, so why be scared of them? Bugs are so friendly that they actually made a hit movie about them called: A Bugs Life. This movie starred lots of bugs. It was pleasant and cheerful.

My sister in law is afraid of crickets. Its easy to understand when you look at this beautifully edited picture of one. Crickets are probably trying to take over the world and that would normally give a person cause for concern, but the simple matter is, they are smaller than a quarter and weigh less. They have no weapons of mass destruction, and war against them, though it may be immanent, will be easily won, because we can crush them with our mighty shoes. Crickets- 0 Humans- 1

Airplanes

Why the fuck would anyone ever in the history of the world, be afraid of an airplane? That makes no sense at all. First off, lets look at the statistical facts:

1. Safer than cars
2. Faster than cars
3. Bigger than cars
4. Flown by pro’s not assholes on cellphones
5. No drunk drivers in the air.

Now we divulge. They are safer than cars.. and mainly because they’re not only flown by a professional who knows what the fuck he’s doing, but that guy isn’t some woman talking on her cell, curling her hair, drinking her coffee, putting eye make up on, smoking a cigarette ALL while trying to get to work in the morning. I see this all the time, you know you have too. Its scary as fuck to see a woman doing that whilst driving her car. In fact, I’d say its better to be afraid of women drivers such as these than it is airplanes. Also, you can’t get a dui in the air, and the speed thing is awesome because there are no air cops out there waiting to bust a pilot’s ass for doing 300+ miles per hour.

There is however, one real reason to be afraid of riding in an airplane: The Red Baron. 

If you’re flying along for whatever reason and you look out your tiny ass plastic window and you see THIS next to you.. be afraid! Be very fucking afraid, because this guy can kill you with his eyes closed! He’s the greatest, most infamous badass of all time.  He' is so awesome that they even named some pizza after him. I myself do not have a pizza named after me. Yet.

Aliens

When it comes to little green men from Mars, who wouldn’t be afraid? Me. I don’t think alien’s are something to be afraid of. Think on it, people say OMG! They are kidnapping nurses and cows and give each anal probes! Seriously? This is what you’re afraid of? First off, if Alien’s can get to earth, then we know two major points of worry. First off, they know we really do exist, where as we have no physical evidence of them. They also know where we are and and how to get here. If thats the case, they’re obviously far smarter than us, and even though we’re all constantly trying new things that include but are not limited to sticking things up our collective asses.. Like our heads.. We still have no factual truth about them. So, even though I am adamantly opposed to anything doing any kind of probing up my bum.. I find that if alien’s are real, we have many problems which are bigger than, “What will he stick in my ass today.” Translation: If aliens ARE real, then we got seriously massive problems which do not include having something rammed up your dark star. With this sound logic strengthening you, you know your black cherry will remain intact and undisturbed by aliens. They’ll prolly just kill us all anyways. If you do want to fear aliens, fear the illegal kind because they are after your jobs, social security and wellfare. And if theres one thing that scares the hell out of me, its ghosts. If theres another thing though, its someone stealing my wellfare. How dare it run out and force me to get a job? If i have to go get a “real job” theres a good chance I might die. And that’d be a fate worse than cheerios. On a side note; the fear of Kara Diaguardi also falls into this category as she is the queen mother ailien from the Aliens movies.. (See American Idol blog) Now despite the rest of the aliens from outter space being something you don’t have to fear, Kara Diaguardi is something to fear as she wants to eat you, OR lay eggs in you so her babies can pop out of your chest. This phobia is known as Karadiaquariaphobia. Its real.

Cornfields

That’s right, cornfields. They are scary as fuck, and if you’re wise you’ll avoid them like a colonoscopy – like the kind an alien would never give you. Think back to our knowledge of the world that we’ve learned from living. Heres the number one fact to remember: Bad shit always happens in a cornfield. Theres never a good thing that happens when it comes to corn fields. Thank you Stephen King for Children of the Corn. That’s actually not the scary part, the scariest part of that is that shit really happens. People go to check to the water or the scarecrow, and they never fucking come back. Their remains are found after harvest.. and there isn’t much left of these said remains.. hence the name.. remains. There are many reasons which a cornfield is dangerous though. Scarecrows can come alive, and in fact they are not some stupid brainless retard like from the wizard of oz, but rather they are a spawn of darkness and evil, and the only way the can keep alive is to eat human flesh. Ritual sacrifices take place in corn fields. Why? Because you can hide the evidence of a crime there. Everyone knows that corn fields are spooky, so when someone goes missing theres always that clever deputy who suggests. Hey maybe we should look in old farmer tuck’s corn field… But the sheriff always sets him straight with a horror story of poor Deputy Clarke who went into the corn field looking for something once.. They never saw his ass again.. because he was ritually sacrificed to a demon scarecrow.

Going back to the fear of aliens.. Cornfields have a huge connection to aliens. Aliens are really like 3 year olds with finger paint.. but the canvas is not their bedroom wall while mommy isn’t looking.. oh no, its a motherfucking cornfield. Why? Because people don’t get it, and aliens, though they don’t want to stick something in your keester, are actually assholes themselves. We look at crop circles and we get cornfused as fuck. How did this happen? How COULD this happen? Some people have claimed humans do it, which is bullshit. The only humans brave enough to go into a cornfield much less one at night, are drunk rednecks who can’t spell their own names, much less make a sweet ass drawing outta the corn that fucking confuses everyone. Get real, people can’t make these, aliens do. So as a recap as to why there is total justification for the fear of cornfields:

• Aliens
• Ritual Sacrifice
• Demon Scarecrows

Shit, I don’t see why we need corn at all. You know theres a town in this land locked hellhole that has a corn festival? Needless to say, I’ve never been. First off, corn is NOT that good of a vegetible. Secondly, there’s always a washed up band there.. and finally and most importantly, it takes place in a cornfield. You won’t catch me dead in a cornfield, but if I ever end up in one by a freak of nature, I’ll surely end up dead.

Beer

A phobia of beer? Seriously? Some people have phobias of anything, but this one is just rather stupid to have, don’t you think? Well you may be right.. OR you may be.. wrong?

Thats right, theres a lot you can actually fear when it comes to beer. First off, Beer Goggles. That is something to definitely be afraid of. Secondly, “GOHOMOPHOBIA” The fear of going home after a party that ended prematurely because the beer ran out. These are all very easy to understand.. but a fear of beer itself? How can this be? There is only one way in which I can answer this question for you, and it is this:

That’s right, overrated, shitty tasting, horrible, horrible beer. Such as Budweiser. If you were faced with the choice of having to drink Budweiser or not drink at all, you’d have to pick not drinking at all, since Bud is really just that bad. The proof is in the nicknames. Buttwiper. Badweiser. The list goes on and on, but the fact remains, this beer is over advertised, over rated, and over sold. Hell, I’d rather drink Boon’s than this shit. Fuck Bud and all its evil spawns of reincarnation. Such as Bud Lite. I’d rather force a spoon down my throat than drink this shit. This is Desiree’s fear too.. make no mistake, I am not the only one with this logical fear.. If you don’t think bud sucks, someone ought to push you down a flight of stairs. If you survive that tumble, you’ll proudly exclaim to the world, “BUDWEISER SUCKS!” You salute every truck you see with a middle finger, and though no one may understand you, you’ll know that you’re not only justified, but right! That’s right, you too can help spread it; the truth. Its only saving grace, its TV commercials. And thats not enough to save it. Back to more fears!

 

Snakes

Are snakes really scary? There was a movie starring Samuel L Jackson called snakes on a plane.. it was not scary. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but never saw it. The reason you never saw it is because it was so horrible, watching it just once could melt your face. This is why I don’t look at cameras in pictures.. I was one of the unlucky ones to see it and lose part of my looks because of it. But the reality is, snakes are not scary, generally speaking… but they CAN be scary. Observe.

In this picture, one could accurately say that snakes can be quite scary. The fact is though, you’ll never have an application of snakes of this magnitude come at you. When will you ever see this many snakes in one place at one time? The answer is: Never. That means that snakes are in fact, not scary. But some people can make snakes scary. Once again I show you the the truth:

As you look at this person, at first you think, wait, what? Then take a closer look and you SEE the fucking snakes! That’s not right! These snakes are fucking this person up! Snakes are definitely scary! But you have to stop and think about it for a minute.. Did the snakes do this? Or was this a stupidity thing from some human who ought to be abducted and studied by aliens. The truth is, the snakes are scary, yes, but they are scary ONLY with the aid of the retard in this picture. There is something definitely wrong with this person. This picture does not show you a good reason to be scared of snakes, but rather, of people. Its pictures like this that make you wish this person would go to the Amazon where there is actually a snake large enough to eat them. This gives us a conundrum.. a snake, like a lion, can eat you. But I ask again, when will you ever see that snake in person? Its the reason you’re not scared of lions. you’re never going to get close enough to one to become a fleshy pizza roll, and you would never get close enough to a snake big enough to make you one. My final picture will show you that snakes are actually gentle creatures that you should love, and they are beautiful and artistic. Also, they have style. Final analysis: Snakes with the aid of humans are scary. By themselves, not.

See? Artistic and badass. Not scary at all.

 

 

 

Tornados

Some people fear mother nature for many reasons. Tornados are my nephews biggest fear, though I can’t exactly say why. When you live in a place that has wicked tornados, you’d think you’d become accustomed to dealing with them. Tornados are mother natures middle finger in the face of man kind. Its a giant “fuck you, and you’re fucking trailer park!” That makes them even better because as we all know, trailer parks are… simply put.. not cool. At all. Ever. In the history of the world there has never been a cool trailer park. The way I see it, Tornados are doing us a favor by destroying them. If I could have one dream job it would be: Hugh Heffner. If I could pick a job thats not necessarily a dream job but equally very cool, it’d be a storm chaser, thats for Goddamned sure. Bet on it.

 

Rats

Rats are terrifying, so shut your fucking mouth! How dare you laugh at my phobia? I really hate these plague carrying fucks. They are tiny, they squeak, they are not cute. Some people say, oh thats not a rat, its a mouse. FUCK YOU. Small and  white is a rat too. Large and gray, also a fucking rat. I hate them with a passion of a trazillion fires. First off, they can bite, and if there were a ton of them, and they all attacked you, you’d die. And when you see one, inevitably you see two. So obviously, they live as a miniture, more evil – wolf. They carry plague. The black death was because of rats. They have hunta virus. Pandemic. Thats right bitches, they can kill you without you ever seeing one.. by the pewp. Thats just not cool at all. Not being able to face your enemy in mortal combat is a total rip off of life. But for those of you who keep them as pets.. I hope they chew through their cages, find you in your sleep and eat your eyeballs. Fuck rats.

This also includes guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, and chinchillas. Not ferrets though, they are weasels and weasels rule. Birds are kind of creepy too, especially pigeons. I like to call them Air Rats. Fuck Air Rats. God, I think I think I need to go wash myself now.

 

Mirrors

Yes its a real phobia, and yeah, I have it. Mirrors are just fucking WRONG. I’m relatively certain mirrors are gateways, windows, if you will, into another dimension. There’s something on the other side, I’m telling you that for certain, and what its is.. its not good. Look at movies, they can guide you in this. In a movie, when someone looks into a mirror, something bad ALWAYS happens. This is because mirrors are straight evil. In this other dimension, where the evil lives, they watch us through mirrors, like we’re TV or something. Don’t believe me? Well lets examine the facts. How often do you really look into a mirror. Someone is ALWAYS looking back, even if you don’t realize it. Ever make a funny face in the mirror and then you laugh, but its a nervous laugh. Why is it a nervous laugh? Because you get this creeped out feeling that SOMONE IS WATCHING YOU. Whats worse? Someone IS watching you, fool! They’re probably laughing and plotting your doom too! Ever have sex in front of a mirror? Porno for the other dimension. These are not polite suggestions, they are facts, my friends. Mirrors are, without a doubt, creepier than rats. They don’t walk and squeak and carry disease, but where ever you see one, you see evil, and you see them every day, no matter where you go. They are in your house, in your car, at your work, in the bathroom, on the ceiling for some of you freaks.. You cannot escape them. They’re not following you, they are fucking Visa, everywhere you want to be. So avoid them like rats.

Ever see something in a mirror you were sure wasn’t there a second ago? Of course you have, heres the scariest part: It wasn’t there a second ago, your mind didn’t make it up, but you you still, nervously, make an excuse, oh it was a hard day, long week, too much stress… But the truth is you’re too afraid to admit the reality of it: Evil. Its here, its watching, and it fucking sees you.

 

Under the Bed

What the hell is under your bed? Its something bad, and you know it. At some point in out lives, we realize that there is definitely something evil under the bed. When you’re a kid, its the boogey man. After you watched IT, its a fucking clown. Now that you’re a growed up, you think, how silly of me to think there was something evil under my bed all these years, and theres like, totally not. Ha..ha.. ha.. right? WRONG!!! YOUR TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG AND YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT! Under your bed is where all the bad shit in the world really is. Its not the boogey man, its not THE DARK. Its the motherfuckin Lord of Hell, and he’s waiting for you. He’s gonna grab that foot of yours if you stick it out too far. Have you ever been laying there in bed and you’re under the covers and you’re like OMG THIS BED IS TOO FUCKING HOT! So, like a brain child, you kick your leg out from under the covers.. then, instinctively, you feel vulnerable, naked.. And slowly, ever so slowly, you start to draw you leg back UNDER the covers no matter how fucking hot it is.

The next day, you laugh at yourself, nervously again.. because how silly are you to feel like something is under your bed when you’re what? Almost 30 years old? Get a grip, kid. Lets not be childish. So, you talk to yourself logically. Look, theres nothing under the fucking bed. I know, self. We can prove it! We don’t need to do that. WE WILL ANYWAYS! I really don’t think I want to! STOP CRYING LIKE A BITCH, SELF!!! So you look. It looks like this:

Yup. Dust. And a sock. Why are you so afraid? Because deep down, you KNOW that some evil.. you can’t see. But you can feel it. Kick your leg out from under the covers tonight, and if you’re really brave and think I’m crazy, hang it off the side of the bed. Dare you.

But sleep does not have to be so scary, my friends. Oh no.. Remember, your covers will always protect you, they are the ultimate shield. They cannot stop fire, nor nuclear holocaust, but they can, undoubtedly, stop the evil thats under your bed. Every fucking time. Sleep tight!

Death

The fear of death is a fear I think most people have somewhere in them. Seeing as how I am quite unusual, I myself do not fear death, and neither should you. I challenge death, and death is my bitch. Someone says, “He cr1ck3e! Would you like to have a smoke?” I say: “I’ll have two!! BRING IT!” I drive slow through intersections, but most people are too afraid to ram me. I jay walk, leisurely.. cars avoid me like the plague. The fact of it is, death will find you when you’re supposed to be found, you can’t run, or hide. Therefore, fearing death is probably the stupidest thing you actually CAN fear. Fearing something that is inherantly evil like a mirror, or the underside of your bed.. or fearing something thats nasty and can eat you, like a rat.. thats reasonable, its justifiable, and it makes total sense. Death is something that is not evil, nor is it avoidable, like rats- therefore, to fear death is to fear life. And if you fear life, I hope Arnold Swartzenegger runs up to you, screaming HEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! And then slaps you and calls you a girly man. If you’re a girl, he’ll just call you a democrat. But he’ll still slap you. Then he’ll slap your ass, because he is a totally rad womanizing bastard, which makes him a real american hero. The good news is, whenever people have a “near death” experience, they never see skeletor in a robe with a sweet as weapon. So perhaps its not that bad afterall hmm? No, they always see something that resembles this:

Tunnels, lights, bright lights.. sometimes you even see your grandma, but never skeletor. I myself will likely see Skeletor, since I am nearest to He-Man, I’ll meet him in the afterlife for a goddamned epic battle.  But its cool, because I’ll have an awesome loin cloth, a sweet broad sword, and reason to scream I HAVE THE POWWWEERRRR!!!!

I won’t lie thats how I dress all the time, and I scream that line over and over again, but my broad sword is made out of tin foil, so people mainly mock me and I cannot attack them in return, because i don’t want the blade to bend. One day thought, Skeletor, your boney ass will be mine!!! I HAVE THE.. wait, that sounded terrible..

 

So we’ve covered fear! You made it through this journey through hell with me, and I’m proud of you. This was like an episode of mythbusters. Some fears are totally justified, like clowns. Some fears, are a massive waste of time to have, and if you had them before, you won’t now. We’ve debunked a couple myths of fear, and put rationale to other fears, so now, you have seen the truth, and you’ll know just how to react when faced with Snakes, planes, snakes on a plane, skeletor, bright lights, rats, air rats, ice cream, mirrors, and clowns. Congratulations my friends, this has been a long road to recovery, but you’re stronger now. Now, do tell… What scares YOU?

Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!