Your Kid is Fucked.

Your kid is fucked, you don’t know why. All you know is, something, somewhere along the way- went wrong. You can’t place it, you’re a good parent. Things seemed so normal and natural and then one day, they started to paint their face and cry about everything. Or perhaps they got violent. Or simply they turned into an asshole. You credit puberty for it, but the truth is, you fucked them up long long ago. And here is how you did it: Winnie the Pooh.

That’s right friends, Winnie is the cause for many problems among young people, and it stems from way back when. We’ll discuss how, but first its time for…

I was born at a very early age. I watched the same crap on tv as you did growing up, and likely the same crap your kids have. I realized at the ripe age of way younger than today, that Poohbear was evil, and would show me bad habits. My brain was infused at such a young age, it was then I knew I was destined for greater things. But first, how to stop peeing the bed. After a few years, I realized I had no chance of stopping the bed wetting, so I just started to blog. So because of my insane amounts of knowledge from and insanely young age, and my ability to do a pee dance to this day.. That therefore makes me once again, and expert.

Now lets get to it. The Truth. Pooh has taught us all so many bad character traits you can’t even talk about it without truly breaking it down with science, and so thats what we’ll do today. Science to save you all and keep your kids from being totally fucked in the face.

Since I care, I don’t want to see you hate your children for all time, so like biology class had you do, lets disect this mothafucka before too much time passes, and then there will be no hope for the fruit of your loins. Ready?

Winnie the Pooh.

Well lets see, what kind of bad habits could Pooh teach us? he is cuddley, loving, friendly and an all around great friend. That is a fucking lie. Let’s start with his obsession for honey, which is pure fat goo mixed with sugar. Also its made by bees, probably using their spermies. That makes it gross. But the worst part is, kids see thsi fat ass bear eating all the goddamned time and they think, HEY! I WANNA EAT TOO!!!! Thats right, Pooh has taught your children obesity. Also, he has bad table manners, since he always eats with his hands; therefore- he is a fatass and a slob. UPS has a slogan, what can brown do for you? Who gives a fuck really, in relation though, I have come up with, What can Pooh do for you? You read it and you’re like, yeah ok what? Say it out LOUD. See, its a hidden joke, you didn’t even know it. I bet you laughed when you said Poo. don’t lie to me.. I don’t appreciate it. Now admit the truth. Thank you. Moving on. What can Pooh do for you? He can teach you bad manners and how to be a lard ass. I like to call it: The Pooh Effect. I should give you a warning, the next image is a disturbing proof of the Pooh Effect. Observe.

Now you are privy to the Pooh effect. See how this guy is terrible for the youth of america? its god awful, and you damn well better be realizing it. Besides all we’ve discussed, lets talk about something even more disturbing. Its called, he’s a mother fucking bear. Thats right, a bear. Observe how cute they really are, especially when they want your Beecum. Honey. When they want your honey. The funny thing is about Pooh, he always wanted honey, not everyone had it to give or they made him look. If a bear walked up to me and was like GIMME YO WALLET!! I would give it. If it said GIMME YO HONEY! i’d be all, do some chores and earn it bitch! Then my ass would be mother fucking lunch. Fuck that, I’d rather lose a pot of honey than a limb. I use my limbs. They help me stay mobile in my cave.

Pigglet.

What could be so wrong with Pigglet you ask? He’s a silly little guy who just loves. or is it, silly little girl? I’m not really sure.. are you? Are you really? Of course you’re not.. how could you be? The funny thing about Pooh is that no one ever explained Pigglet. Therefore this means Pigglet itself is confused and at the same time.. is in constant state of sexual identity crisis.

Therefore, it has this crisis, but it doesn’t really matter because regardless of what it is, it is in love with the bear. The bear is in return in love with the pig because in the end if he hangs long enough, that pig will be a tastey snack. That is, in truth, one of the main reasons Pew is always around Pig. Also, because of Pigglets undying love for Pooh, he willfully deals out blow jobs on a regular basis. You can bet on it.

The real pigglet is much cuter though, when you look at this picture on the left. Don’t you agree? What? So how was it, someone who came up with this fucked up Pooh bullshit, they thought a fucking pig would be cute. The facts are simple. He’s not cute, he’s not smart. Also, he’s a wimp. He will teach your kids to not only become homosexuals, but not strong homosexuals. If a girl wants to be like Pigglet, she’ll become a lesbien, but a lipstick one, there’s no way she can be a Bull Dyke like Ellen. She’s too much of a weakling wimp. So, to wrap it up: Sexual Identity Crisis, homosexual (likely), and a wimp to boot. This is the kind of character you want your kids watching on TV? I didn’t think so.

Owl.

Owl is the brain of the hundred acre woods. If there’s a problem, everyone goes to him. Therefore he is the Einstien of the woods. This makes him a know it all, and kind of a pretentious jerk.

Thats right ladies and germs, owl is a smartass. But he doesn’t just give the straight answer like he knows it, when there is a question presented to him. Oh no, he must lecture for 53453 minutes taking a yes or no question and making into a disertation on world peace. What an ass. This is not the kind of trait you want your children to have installed in them. Sure, its good to have a brain in your noggin, and better to know how to use it, but if you’re a dick about it it, and you’re mostly brain, like Owl, you’re bound to get your ass kicked. So what Owl does for your children is two fold, he teaches them to use their heads and be smart, and then, by continuing to follow in his example, he teaches your children the number one way to get their ass kicked.

The fact of the matter is, owls are not wise. This is a common misconception, thanks to Pooland. Owls are actually predators, and badasses. They hunt smaller prey, they don’t eat worms. Hell no, they eat bigger animals, like rabbits. So naturally, Rabbit and Owl should not get along, since Rabbit is mearly dinner to him. The truth of the matter is, real owls are much cooler than the cartoon ones. But again, is this the kind of example you want set for your children? Remember Ted Bundy was a predator too.

Rabbit.

Since we just discussed how Rabbit and Owl can never be friends, it only makes sense that here now we will speak of Rabbit. Rabbit is an interesting character and despite what anyone says, he is not a role model.

Face the facts, friends.. Rabbit is an asshole. He’s a hard worker, always working on his garden and what not, so sure he teaches work ethic, but he also teaches children to become workaholics, which is not necessarily a good thing. I am no advocate for laziness.. All I’m saying is, if you' spend all your time working, you miss out on the real enjoyment of life, just like that asshole Rabbit. Rabbit is also smart but he never has time to explain answers to poor stupid Pooh. A conversation realistically between them goes like this. "Hey Rabbit, I have a question for you..” Says the Pooh. “Oh yah? Because I don’t look like I’m busy or anything you fat fuck!!” Responds Rabbit. Pooh replies, “My question for you, Rabbit, is.. Do you know where I can find honey?” Furious, steam coming from his massive ears, Rabbit says, “GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OVERWEIGHT 9000 LBS LAND MONSTER! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!” This does not make him cool, he makes him a fuckstick.

Here we have a real rabbit. Real rabbits are good for one thing: Becoming street pizza. I once ripped off the bumper of a car on Christmas eve by plowing and mowing down a rabbit. You have a misconception, you’re thinking of cute cuddley little bunnies. If that were the case, he’d be named Bunny. He’s not, he’s Rabbit. Furthermore, real rabbits are not cute, or even hard workers. They are scavengers and worthless. Again, is this a role model for your kids? No. It is not. And yet you have continued to subject your poor unknowing kids to these fellows. But you’ll see it gets much worse. MUCH worse. Are you ready for worse?

Kanga and Roo.

Clever to take two kangaroo’s and split the names in two to make two characters from it. BRILLIANT! Also a total lack of imagination as you think of all this. How come Poo has a name, even if its after fecal matter, and the rest are just named some derivative of their species? Who cares. Kanga and Roo are just weird.

First off we have Kanga. She is wise and motherly and she encourages learning for her bitch kid Roo. Of coruse she’s motherly.. shes a mother. She’s also a lesser character in these stories because she’s probably a choosey mom who chose Jif. Bitch. Roo is a bastard trouble maker. He likes to bounce around with Tigger, and as we all know, Tigger is a mischief maker. But Roo doesn’t really know how to be a cool mischief maker, so he’s in training. This makes him like that really annoying kid from Star Wars Episode 1. WOAH! THIS IS POD RACING! This also makes me hate him with the heat of a nuclear blast.

I say wtf, mate? When it comes to kangaroos. They are really nothing more than over sized hopping rats. As we’ve all learned by now, rats are evil little creatures who carry disease and plague.. Can eat your face, and kill you with their pooh. Notice, there are no characters in this story named Rat? Why not? Because they have fooled you all by having a KangaRoo mixture instead. Not only are they oversized rats who hop, but they also are just weird fucking creatures. They carry their kids around in a built in apron on their front. That’s not cool, its not neat.. its gross. Imagine the weening process involved for them. It is likely that Kanga and Roo have a very gross Freudian relationship. If you know anything of Freud, you know what I’m talking about here. if you don’t know Freud then I suggest you send your letters to:

Tigger.

It seems if you were to ask people on the street who their favorite character from this fucked up cartoon is, 8.4 of them would say Tigger. Why? Tigger is bouncy, flouncy, rouncy, douncy, fun fun fun fun fun! The wonderful wonderful thing about tigger’s is he’s the only one! Fuck Tigger. i wish he’d take a bounce down a flight of stairs and end up with a broken neck. And for good reason. He is probably the worst character on this show.. he’s horrible for your children to see, and they love him. Let’s face the truth, and you can understand why.

Tigger is a fucking meth addict. Its true, think about it. Unlike Pooh who is always looking for food, you never see Tigger eat. Why? Tweaker. Crack Diet. You call it what you like. he can’t sit still and when he puts his mind to use for 4 seconds, he comes up with some kind of mischief to make. Also he is a bad influence on Roo because he is constantly having him tag along to be a scapegoat. So here we have a drug addict trouble maker for you kids to follow in his footesteps. What were you thinking when you decided it was good to sit their asses down in front of a TV set to watch this show?

Tigger always talks about playing. This makes him a slacker as well. He has no job, no work ethic. He is not cool, not like a real tigger. Or maybe you call them a tiger. I do. Tigers are the baddest fucking creatures that were ever put on this earth. They do not bounce around and say “Ho-hoo-ho-hoo!” They do not do meth, they are stone cold killers. Now despite them being the coolest cats to walk the face of the planet.. do you really want your kids to turn into stone cold killers? If you do, you’re really much cooler parents than you give yourself credit for.

So final analysis of everyones favorite? Stone cold killer cat meets methlab or as I would call it, Tigger’s Kitchen.. This is what you get. Watch away kiddos, you’re learning how to become great recipiants of Obama care. And Wellfare. And how to get your very own Parole Officer!! SCORE!

Eyore.

Eyore is a fuckin donkey who hates life. This makes me hate him the most. I get so sick of bitching, as you may remember from my words on Bellabitch from Twilight. If there is one thing I can’t stand, its greenbeans. If there’s another thing I can’t stand, its bitchiness. This is why I am not very good with women. That’s besides the point.

So Eyore walks aound weeping like a five year old who just had her dolly beheaded, her kitten stepped on, and all her crayons broken in half by me. Often times he can be seen with a rain cloud over his head. That’s hilarious. Its also very sad too, because it is the birthplace of a race of children who I hate so badly I’d like to see them all executed. Emo. That’s right, Eyore is the godfather of Emo. Notice how closely the names sound? This is factual proof you cannot deny. Look at this picture Eyore, and then compare it to this picture of Emo. Notice how close these two look? Here we have a character who is emo and bipolar as well. This does not teach kids its ok to be different, it teaches them its ok to bitch constantly, hate life, and assume the world hates them too. Heres the bad news kids, one day you’ll grow out of being emo and then you’ll find out that the world REALLY DOES HATE YOU! Theres a parade waiting to stampede your ass over and stomp your into hamburger and I’m the fucking leader with the twirling batton.

Real donkeys are much more entertaining. They goofy as hell looking, and they are stubourn. Also they look really quite silly. You see? They are also fond of kicking people, that is pretty funny, but at the same time, so dangerous, I myself will never be seen near a donkey. Again we see perfectly the kind of role models your kids should have. A cartoon based off of an animal that is an asshole, but in the cartoon is nice, but emo. No matter how you look at it, this is a very bad character for your kids to look up to you and what to be like. The worst part is, they do look up to Eyore, and want to be like him, and they are setting themselves up for a failure of epic preportions, so big not any force of nature can stop it. Once again you can see how you’ve poisoned your kids from an early age. Sorry.

Christopher Robin.

Christopher Robin is the ring leader of this Circus of Doom! It would seem he is the one who has dreamed up this alternate reality where wild beast who would sooner kill his ass than look at him.

I myself have recently been compared to Christopher Robin, and in light of that revelation, I think I shall portray him in that light, and not the light of a loner kid who has no friends so he must rely on his imagination to have friends. No, the revelation is that Christopher Robin views the whole world as his playground which he creates, and somehow that is like me. I can see the coralation to a point, but I think it is more so that he is like Adolf Hitler. CR is Adolf as a boy. Adolf likely had many imaginary friends.. in truth, from watching the history channel we already know what kind of fantasitcal imagination Hitler had. but look at that pose of him saluting his troops SIEG HEIL!

CR is inherantly evil though, since he is just a young, mustache-less version of one of the greatest tyrants the world has ever known. Since he is a brain child who thought all this crap up, this makes him responsible for the hundred acre woods holocaust too. What an asshole.The good news is, if you wanted to take them all out, you’d not have to pick them off one by one.. Oh no, if you cut off the head, the snake will die. So, in order to end this horrible reign of terror by these bad influences on your kids, you need only raise up and finish Christopher Robin. Thats the only way.

So now, in light of everything we have discussed, you can see clearly as to how Winnie the Pooh and gang are bad for your kids. Save them before its too late. Remember what can happen to them if they watch it. The could be come:

• Fat


• Over weight


• Gay


• Sexual Identity Crisis Plagued


• Assholes


• Pretentious


• Overly Smart


• Weird


• A hopping Rat


• A Smart Ass


• Workaholics


• Meth Addicts


• Depressed


• Emo


• Trouble Makers


• Minced Meat


• Evil Dictators of German

As you can see, there are no good things to be learned from Winnie the Pooh and friends. Save your kids now, the world implores you! I implore you. The Truth implores you. Only you have the power to make these changes and save lives. Make it happen!

Thank you.

Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!