Your Kid is Fucked.

Your kid is fucked, you don’t know why. All you know is, something, somewhere along the way- went wrong. You can’t place it, you’re a good parent. Things seemed so normal and natural and then one day, they started to paint their face and cry about everything. Or perhaps they got violent. Or simply they turned into an asshole. You credit puberty for it, but the truth is, you fucked them up long long ago. And here is how you did it: Winnie the Pooh.

That’s right friends, Winnie is the cause for many problems among young people, and it stems from way back when. We’ll discuss how, but first its time for…

I was born at a very early age. I watched the same crap on tv as you did growing up, and likely the same crap your kids have. I realized at the ripe age of way younger than today, that Poohbear was evil, and would show me bad habits. My brain was infused at such a young age, it was then I knew I was destined for greater things. But first, how to stop peeing the bed. After a few years, I realized I had no chance of stopping the bed wetting, so I just started to blog. So because of my insane amounts of knowledge from and insanely young age, and my ability to do a pee dance to this day.. That therefore makes me once again, and expert.

Now lets get to it. The Truth. Pooh has taught us all so many bad character traits you can’t even talk about it without truly breaking it down with science, and so thats what we’ll do today. Science to save you all and keep your kids from being totally fucked in the face.

Since I care, I don’t want to see you hate your children for all time, so like biology class had you do, lets disect this mothafucka before too much time passes, and then there will be no hope for the fruit of your loins. Ready?

Winnie the Pooh.

Well lets see, what kind of bad habits could Pooh teach us? he is cuddley, loving, friendly and an all around great friend. That is a fucking lie. Let’s start with his obsession for honey, which is pure fat goo mixed with sugar. Also its made by bees, probably using their spermies. That makes it gross. But the worst part is, kids see thsi fat ass bear eating all the goddamned time and they think, HEY! I WANNA EAT TOO!!!! Thats right, Pooh has taught your children obesity. Also, he has bad table manners, since he always eats with his hands; therefore- he is a fatass and a slob. UPS has a slogan, what can brown do for you? Who gives a fuck really, in relation though, I have come up with, What can Pooh do for you? You read it and you’re like, yeah ok what? Say it out LOUD. See, its a hidden joke, you didn’t even know it. I bet you laughed when you said Poo. don’t lie to me.. I don’t appreciate it. Now admit the truth. Thank you. Moving on. What can Pooh do for you? He can teach you bad manners and how to be a lard ass. I like to call it: The Pooh Effect. I should give you a warning, the next image is a disturbing proof of the Pooh Effect. Observe.

Now you are privy to the Pooh effect. See how this guy is terrible for the youth of america? its god awful, and you damn well better be realizing it. Besides all we’ve discussed, lets talk about something even more disturbing. Its called, he’s a mother fucking bear. Thats right, a bear. Observe how cute they really are, especially when they want your Beecum. Honey. When they want your honey. The funny thing is about Pooh, he always wanted honey, not everyone had it to give or they made him look. If a bear walked up to me and was like GIMME YO WALLET!! I would give it. If it said GIMME YO HONEY! i’d be all, do some chores and earn it bitch! Then my ass would be mother fucking lunch. Fuck that, I’d rather lose a pot of honey than a limb. I use my limbs. They help me stay mobile in my cave.

Pigglet.

What could be so wrong with Pigglet you ask? He’s a silly little guy who just loves. or is it, silly little girl? I’m not really sure.. are you? Are you really? Of course you’re not.. how could you be? The funny thing about Pooh is that no one ever explained Pigglet. Therefore this means Pigglet itself is confused and at the same time.. is in constant state of sexual identity crisis.

Therefore, it has this crisis, but it doesn’t really matter because regardless of what it is, it is in love with the bear. The bear is in return in love with the pig because in the end if he hangs long enough, that pig will be a tastey snack. That is, in truth, one of the main reasons Pew is always around Pig. Also, because of Pigglets undying love for Pooh, he willfully deals out blow jobs on a regular basis. You can bet on it.

The real pigglet is much cuter though, when you look at this picture on the left. Don’t you agree? What? So how was it, someone who came up with this fucked up Pooh bullshit, they thought a fucking pig would be cute. The facts are simple. He’s not cute, he’s not smart. Also, he’s a wimp. He will teach your kids to not only become homosexuals, but not strong homosexuals. If a girl wants to be like Pigglet, she’ll become a lesbien, but a lipstick one, there’s no way she can be a Bull Dyke like Ellen. She’s too much of a weakling wimp. So, to wrap it up: Sexual Identity Crisis, homosexual (likely), and a wimp to boot. This is the kind of character you want your kids watching on TV? I didn’t think so.

Owl.

Owl is the brain of the hundred acre woods. If there’s a problem, everyone goes to him. Therefore he is the Einstien of the woods. This makes him a know it all, and kind of a pretentious jerk.

Thats right ladies and germs, owl is a smartass. But he doesn’t just give the straight answer like he knows it, when there is a question presented to him. Oh no, he must lecture for 53453 minutes taking a yes or no question and making into a disertation on world peace. What an ass. This is not the kind of trait you want your children to have installed in them. Sure, its good to have a brain in your noggin, and better to know how to use it, but if you’re a dick about it it, and you’re mostly brain, like Owl, you’re bound to get your ass kicked. So what Owl does for your children is two fold, he teaches them to use their heads and be smart, and then, by continuing to follow in his example, he teaches your children the number one way to get their ass kicked.

The fact of the matter is, owls are not wise. This is a common misconception, thanks to Pooland. Owls are actually predators, and badasses. They hunt smaller prey, they don’t eat worms. Hell no, they eat bigger animals, like rabbits. So naturally, Rabbit and Owl should not get along, since Rabbit is mearly dinner to him. The truth of the matter is, real owls are much cooler than the cartoon ones. But again, is this the kind of example you want set for your children? Remember Ted Bundy was a predator too.

Rabbit.

Since we just discussed how Rabbit and Owl can never be friends, it only makes sense that here now we will speak of Rabbit. Rabbit is an interesting character and despite what anyone says, he is not a role model.

Face the facts, friends.. Rabbit is an asshole. He’s a hard worker, always working on his garden and what not, so sure he teaches work ethic, but he also teaches children to become workaholics, which is not necessarily a good thing. I am no advocate for laziness.. All I’m saying is, if you' spend all your time working, you miss out on the real enjoyment of life, just like that asshole Rabbit. Rabbit is also smart but he never has time to explain answers to poor stupid Pooh. A conversation realistically between them goes like this. "Hey Rabbit, I have a question for you..” Says the Pooh. “Oh yah? Because I don’t look like I’m busy or anything you fat fuck!!” Responds Rabbit. Pooh replies, “My question for you, Rabbit, is.. Do you know where I can find honey?” Furious, steam coming from his massive ears, Rabbit says, “GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OVERWEIGHT 9000 LBS LAND MONSTER! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!” This does not make him cool, he makes him a fuckstick.

Here we have a real rabbit. Real rabbits are good for one thing: Becoming street pizza. I once ripped off the bumper of a car on Christmas eve by plowing and mowing down a rabbit. You have a misconception, you’re thinking of cute cuddley little bunnies. If that were the case, he’d be named Bunny. He’s not, he’s Rabbit. Furthermore, real rabbits are not cute, or even hard workers. They are scavengers and worthless. Again, is this a role model for your kids? No. It is not. And yet you have continued to subject your poor unknowing kids to these fellows. But you’ll see it gets much worse. MUCH worse. Are you ready for worse?

Kanga and Roo.

Clever to take two kangaroo’s and split the names in two to make two characters from it. BRILLIANT! Also a total lack of imagination as you think of all this. How come Poo has a name, even if its after fecal matter, and the rest are just named some derivative of their species? Who cares. Kanga and Roo are just weird.

First off we have Kanga. She is wise and motherly and she encourages learning for her bitch kid Roo. Of coruse she’s motherly.. shes a mother. She’s also a lesser character in these stories because she’s probably a choosey mom who chose Jif. Bitch. Roo is a bastard trouble maker. He likes to bounce around with Tigger, and as we all know, Tigger is a mischief maker. But Roo doesn’t really know how to be a cool mischief maker, so he’s in training. This makes him like that really annoying kid from Star Wars Episode 1. WOAH! THIS IS POD RACING! This also makes me hate him with the heat of a nuclear blast.

I say wtf, mate? When it comes to kangaroos. They are really nothing more than over sized hopping rats. As we’ve all learned by now, rats are evil little creatures who carry disease and plague.. Can eat your face, and kill you with their pooh. Notice, there are no characters in this story named Rat? Why not? Because they have fooled you all by having a KangaRoo mixture instead. Not only are they oversized rats who hop, but they also are just weird fucking creatures. They carry their kids around in a built in apron on their front. That’s not cool, its not neat.. its gross. Imagine the weening process involved for them. It is likely that Kanga and Roo have a very gross Freudian relationship. If you know anything of Freud, you know what I’m talking about here. if you don’t know Freud then I suggest you send your letters to:

Tigger.

It seems if you were to ask people on the street who their favorite character from this fucked up cartoon is, 8.4 of them would say Tigger. Why? Tigger is bouncy, flouncy, rouncy, douncy, fun fun fun fun fun! The wonderful wonderful thing about tigger’s is he’s the only one! Fuck Tigger. i wish he’d take a bounce down a flight of stairs and end up with a broken neck. And for good reason. He is probably the worst character on this show.. he’s horrible for your children to see, and they love him. Let’s face the truth, and you can understand why.

Tigger is a fucking meth addict. Its true, think about it. Unlike Pooh who is always looking for food, you never see Tigger eat. Why? Tweaker. Crack Diet. You call it what you like. he can’t sit still and when he puts his mind to use for 4 seconds, he comes up with some kind of mischief to make. Also he is a bad influence on Roo because he is constantly having him tag along to be a scapegoat. So here we have a drug addict trouble maker for you kids to follow in his footesteps. What were you thinking when you decided it was good to sit their asses down in front of a TV set to watch this show?

Tigger always talks about playing. This makes him a slacker as well. He has no job, no work ethic. He is not cool, not like a real tigger. Or maybe you call them a tiger. I do. Tigers are the baddest fucking creatures that were ever put on this earth. They do not bounce around and say “Ho-hoo-ho-hoo!” They do not do meth, they are stone cold killers. Now despite them being the coolest cats to walk the face of the planet.. do you really want your kids to turn into stone cold killers? If you do, you’re really much cooler parents than you give yourself credit for.

So final analysis of everyones favorite? Stone cold killer cat meets methlab or as I would call it, Tigger’s Kitchen.. This is what you get. Watch away kiddos, you’re learning how to become great recipiants of Obama care. And Wellfare. And how to get your very own Parole Officer!! SCORE!

Eyore.

Eyore is a fuckin donkey who hates life. This makes me hate him the most. I get so sick of bitching, as you may remember from my words on Bellabitch from Twilight. If there is one thing I can’t stand, its greenbeans. If there’s another thing I can’t stand, its bitchiness. This is why I am not very good with women. That’s besides the point.

So Eyore walks aound weeping like a five year old who just had her dolly beheaded, her kitten stepped on, and all her crayons broken in half by me. Often times he can be seen with a rain cloud over his head. That’s hilarious. Its also very sad too, because it is the birthplace of a race of children who I hate so badly I’d like to see them all executed. Emo. That’s right, Eyore is the godfather of Emo. Notice how closely the names sound? This is factual proof you cannot deny. Look at this picture Eyore, and then compare it to this picture of Emo. Notice how close these two look? Here we have a character who is emo and bipolar as well. This does not teach kids its ok to be different, it teaches them its ok to bitch constantly, hate life, and assume the world hates them too. Heres the bad news kids, one day you’ll grow out of being emo and then you’ll find out that the world REALLY DOES HATE YOU! Theres a parade waiting to stampede your ass over and stomp your into hamburger and I’m the fucking leader with the twirling batton.

Real donkeys are much more entertaining. They goofy as hell looking, and they are stubourn. Also they look really quite silly. You see? They are also fond of kicking people, that is pretty funny, but at the same time, so dangerous, I myself will never be seen near a donkey. Again we see perfectly the kind of role models your kids should have. A cartoon based off of an animal that is an asshole, but in the cartoon is nice, but emo. No matter how you look at it, this is a very bad character for your kids to look up to you and what to be like. The worst part is, they do look up to Eyore, and want to be like him, and they are setting themselves up for a failure of epic preportions, so big not any force of nature can stop it. Once again you can see how you’ve poisoned your kids from an early age. Sorry.

Christopher Robin.

Christopher Robin is the ring leader of this Circus of Doom! It would seem he is the one who has dreamed up this alternate reality where wild beast who would sooner kill his ass than look at him.

I myself have recently been compared to Christopher Robin, and in light of that revelation, I think I shall portray him in that light, and not the light of a loner kid who has no friends so he must rely on his imagination to have friends. No, the revelation is that Christopher Robin views the whole world as his playground which he creates, and somehow that is like me. I can see the coralation to a point, but I think it is more so that he is like Adolf Hitler. CR is Adolf as a boy. Adolf likely had many imaginary friends.. in truth, from watching the history channel we already know what kind of fantasitcal imagination Hitler had. but look at that pose of him saluting his troops SIEG HEIL!

CR is inherantly evil though, since he is just a young, mustache-less version of one of the greatest tyrants the world has ever known. Since he is a brain child who thought all this crap up, this makes him responsible for the hundred acre woods holocaust too. What an asshole.The good news is, if you wanted to take them all out, you’d not have to pick them off one by one.. Oh no, if you cut off the head, the snake will die. So, in order to end this horrible reign of terror by these bad influences on your kids, you need only raise up and finish Christopher Robin. Thats the only way.

So now, in light of everything we have discussed, you can see clearly as to how Winnie the Pooh and gang are bad for your kids. Save them before its too late. Remember what can happen to them if they watch it. The could be come:

• Fat


• Over weight


• Gay


• Sexual Identity Crisis Plagued


• Assholes


• Pretentious


• Overly Smart


• Weird


• A hopping Rat


• A Smart Ass


• Workaholics


• Meth Addicts


• Depressed


• Emo


• Trouble Makers


• Minced Meat


• Evil Dictators of German

As you can see, there are no good things to be learned from Winnie the Pooh and friends. Save your kids now, the world implores you! I implore you. The Truth implores you. Only you have the power to make these changes and save lives. Make it happen!

Thank you.