The Doctor is in

You know, i find there are many things in this world that  are fucked up, and being the stand up gentleman that I am, I let you all know exactly what they are, how to avoid them, and how to combat against them. One of those horribly fucked up things are: shrinks. Lets face it, you all have seen one, and they probably left you thinking, why did I give this person all my money? I’ll tell you whats worse, rich shrinks on tv. Guys like Dr Phil really piss me off. First off he is pretentious, secondly bald and fat. How is this good tv? Its not. I should have my own show. Dr. cr1ck3e. PHD! That would be entertaining as fuck.

Why the fuck should I have a tv show? I already told you! I’d be like puck on the real world, and I can see into the blackness of peoples hearts. From there, I would help them down the path of freedom, of happiness… and if I didn’t, we’d still have a good time at the same fucking time. And unlike Dr. Phil, I’d not force myself down their throats like a rapist on viagra. That’s right, Dr. Phil is a rapist on viagra.

Pretty sweet eh? Yah, I thought so too. So I figure with all this PHD shit, talking people through their fears, and what not, that kinda makes me like Dr. Phil. Only I’m not oversized bald and pretentious. Nor do I have a mustache. Sad fact is, I grow a really poor excuse for a mustache, that doesn’t make me less of a man, it makes me “pretty” – well, pretty for a cave dweller. The amazing thing about being a cave dweller is you don’t have to be that pretty to become the prettiest of all cave dwellers, which works out pretty darn well for me. Moving on.

Our first case of fear comes from a housewife named Jamie. She writes:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

I am freaked the f out by grown adults with small hands. Like that Burger King commercial with the guy who has extremely small hands and can't hold a double cheeseburger…

Well Jamie, this is easy to understand, but its complicated for those who don’t see your logic. So lets see what we can do to help you understand your fears, and perhaps over come them!

Small hands are freaky as fuck. First off, big people with small hands is more of a cosmic anomoly than dwarfs. The really spooky part is, it happens< just like dwarfs! Jamie, your fear is justified but more so from a primal fear of something far more intense than that of just “small hands” – can you place it? 

What do small hands make you think of exactly? You’re not sure, I understand, therefore let me enlighten you! It makes you think of carnival workers. They too have small hands, the entire lot of them. There is something unmistakenly wrong about carnival workers. First off, they’re scary to look at period. Most of them look like they haven’t had their annual shower in about 3 passings of the anniversary of their last shower, back in 1999. Now, thats not only gross to look at, but also terrible to smell.  Here’s something terrible to think about, that gravitron, or tilt-o-wirl, hasn’t been cleaned with more than a garden hose and a stoner to run it, since its creation.

More so, they travel with this said carnival. Thats right! Its their JOB! They are not seasonal workers, or locals down on their luck, oh no, they are gypsies. Lets face it, gypsies are probably not only the most feared of all races of people, but they are also one of the most dangerous. Let’s dive in and find the truth.

Gypsies travel in packs. Familys. I can think of someone who was proud of their family once. His name was Charles Manson. He had a “family” and they were all loving too. Look at what happened. Actually, Charles Manson roamed around a lot like a nomad.. so it is very likely that he too is a gypsy even though he’s rotting in the clink where he belongs. Gypsies are an unnatural thing. no one should ever speak to them either. Here’s the thing we guys must remember. Gypsy women are normally that eastern european, they can belly dance, they’re mysterious, and down right fuckin hot. That makes them dangerous. If you ever speak to a gypsy, you’d better check that your wallet is still in your pocket when you part ways, because chances are its not, she stole it. Thats right, they’re cleptos too. They’ll steal anything including your soul. They are like the human form of a wolf pack. Sure they’re pretty to look at, but you’d never get withing 20 ft of them if you had to. It’s sad really, but its so true. Never underestimate a gypsy either, that joe in “Thinner” did.. look at what happened to him. Once again, I realize that Steven King is responsible for so much evil in this world.

So to answer all of this clearly, Jamie, you are afraid of small hands, because deep within your id (like my use of real phd fruedian words there?) Deep within your id, you recognize that small hands are a sign of gypsies, and that nomadic bunch of maniacs are some of the most ruthless and dangerous people in the world. So your fear is healthy, you don’t need medicine, you need only keep a sharp eye for gypsies.

Our next letter comes from a young lad named Michael, who writes:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

After reading your publication on fear, I’ve discovered that all those fears I once had are cured. Only, there is one major point you didn’t cover that scares the fuck out of me, and thats transvestites. Please help me understand my fear.

Michael, your fear is one that is scary as hell, and I won’t dillydally. You’re scared for a number of reasons.

1. They are women with Adam’s apples.
2. They call you “sweetie” or “sugar” or “honey buns”
3. They have deeper voices than you.
4. They have bigger male genitals than you.
5. They can grow a better beard than you can.
6. They have both testicles and chesticles.
7. They can beat you up.
8. So can their lover.

 

The list could go on to infinity, but the point is, these are just a few reasons you should never speak to trannies. Tranny love is not cool, and friendships with them are forbidden in the Man’s Codebook. Some might say trannies are the best of both worlds. Those people should be hurled into a fire and then have the flames put out, relit, put out, and relit over and over again until they are dead. No chances for redemption. Sorry. The biggest thing that scares the hell out of you about trannies perhaps is you inability to spot them, for some disguise themselves quite efficiantly and so I say, the fact is, tranny fear is very real and justified. My advice to you is to steer clear of them at all costs. This means, be very careful of hookers. The dwelling on trannies is likely due to your obsession with Cher. As we all know, Cher is really a guy, and therefore, if you beeeeelieeevvvee in “her” there is a chance you also have a small attraction to transvestites. So, my further analysis is, stop your obsession with Cher, mate. 

This next letter broke my heart when I read it.  Dr. cr1ck3e does not like having what little heart he has being broke, so I’ve decided to return the favor.

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e, phd,

I am so alone, and I can’t meet women. How can I find the girl of my dreams?

Dear Anonymous, your situation is not too uncommon or unheard of. The reason you’re lonely and cannot meet women to fulfill your needs for companionship and sexual relationship with someone other than your ipad and your palm is simple. You need to leave your home. I know its hard. I know World of Warcraft is fun. But the truth is this, that chick you’ve been having make believe online sex with is really a guy. And that, that might make you gay. Its true, I’m sorry. The truth of the matter is, I too find a challenge in meeting a woman who doesn’t just want me for my awesome cave that I dwell in. But you live in your mom’s basement and thats not the same thing. Put down the mouse, put down the lotion. Take a shower, have a shave, and go find that landmonster who will change your life forever.

Our next question comes from one of my adoring fans who simply asks:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

What is your favorite peanut butter? Chunky or smooth?

That one is easy. Smooth. As the entire world knows, chunky peanut butter is not really peanuts. Its small rocks. I value my teeth and therefore I only have smooth. Plus, if you can get passed having the broken teeth after chunky peanut butter is injested, you also have to realize that the chunks are a diversion to keep you from noticing its lack of superior taste, such as that of the smooth. But lets not stop there.

As anyone who has seen tv knows, choosey moms choose jif. Those moms are also bitches from the abyss who hate their children. Anyone who is anyone knows for a fact that the best peanut butter in the world is Peter Pan. Its flavor is so good, once you try it, it’ll make you want to stand up and slap yo momma for ever for feeding you that rhinoceros shit flavored Jif. One time, Peter Pan had a pandemic like scare with salminila. I thought of throwing away my peter pan, but then i went to the store and I saw only off brands and Jiff. I then contemplated life without Peter Pan, and I realized it would not take long for me to commit suicide eating jif. So I kept my poisoned Peter Pan and chanced it. I didn’t get sick because I have the stomach of a walrus, and if you’ve ever seen a walrus eat you know what I mean. if you havent, jeez man, watch animal planet every now and again, maybe you’ll learn something. And don’t even get me started on that shit skippy, I think I’d rather skippy myself off a cliff than be subjected to its raunchy taste.

Our final note comes from a young lady named Brigitte who says:

 

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

i have a MAJOR fear of zombies and i am deathly scared that zombies will find me and eat my brains .....

Ahh little Ms. this is a funny thing. many  people look at hollywood and the movies that scare the fuck out of us with zombies, and we think: How terrible these creatures are!! And lets say, fear of of zombies is a healthy fear to have. But would I say I am afraid of Zombies themselves? Definitely not.

Lets get this party rockin. Sure zombies can chase you down, eat your brains, and make you undead yourself. But there are many ways to defend yourself against the emanate zombie attack. Make no mistake, zombies will raise and start fucking up the earth in a big way. Preparedness is the way of the future. My first suggestion is before you arm yourself with weapons and a plan- you must first arm yourself with knowledge. It is at this point that I will endorse this book:

Yes’m I endorse it fully. Have I read it? You bet I have! It was one of the greatest reads of my life. It has illustrations too if your minds eye isn’t so keen. Once armed with the knowledge this book can give you, you’ll know how to face what the author refers to as World War Z.

There is also a follow up book which I am sure is quite useful, entitled World War Z. I’ve not read that one, as I’ve been busy preparing myself for the zombie invasion that will happen.

Just remember that knowledge is power and when you’re armed with guns, knives, bats, ammo, combat boots.. a plan, AND knowledge, you’re nearly unstoppable. Like GI JOE always said, knowing is half the battle!

Here’s a hint. Zombies can’t swim. This is why I will become a pirate during World War Z. Also, this is my post 2012 plan. When the world goes to fuck hell ass dead, I will  become a pirate and sail the Caribbean, searching for gold, treasure, and booty. I’ve already started my crew too. No joke. Here’s another crazy thing.. one member of my crew only has one eye. How fucking rad is that? It means i’ll be the most successful post 2012/WWZ Pirate on earth. Yo-ho, bitches!

Well I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today, but like dr. phil, I have infused you with knowledge from a pretentious stand point. But not only that, I have once again, brought you the truth. I’ve answered your letters, and for some of you, helped you through your fears once more. Also, I spoke of trannies, so its like an episode of Maury. Fuck all those lame ass talk show hosts, I can totally own this bitch. NBC, gimme a call! We can make this shit happen. I’m available all the time, since I don’t leave my cave. You know how to find me. I’ve seen your suits all over the place. Don’t be shy, I won’t bite.. Unless I’m out of ramen.

Thank you.