Ohio!

This one goes out to all my friends in the mystical world of Ohio. It was a thought I had, to write about this. It was covered in a blog many moons ago, when I once upon a time blogged on myspace. Then myspace became corrupt and Ellen, and I had to quit. Also I think I pissed off too many people. So lets get on with it!

How does one have credentials about this place known to the viewing public as Ohio? Well, easy.. I have never been to Ohio, nor would I ever go. Even though I find myself stuck in a land locked hell hole, I would still rather be here than some place like Ohio. The reasoning will be given to you later. So further credentials read as such: I am real. I live in a real cave. I eat real molten lava hotpockets. I have hair and I like cheerios. Ok, that was a lie, i really hate cheerios. If you like cheerios, theres something wrong with YOU. Seriously, they're flavorless and horrible. I'd rather eat dirt. If you'd not rather eat dirt, you've no sense and someone ought to hit you with a phone book. Once you've been thuroughly beaten with a phone book, you'll find sense and then you'll wake up and salute the world and say: HEY! CHEERIOS TASTE REALLY BAD!

Now, you're enlightened. I'm happy we've reached this conclusion together, for now we can be as one. You had me at hello.

So what is there to say about Ohio? You're probably wondering where this left field blog is coming from, so allow me to explain to you. Ohio is not real. Its a figment of your imagination, I swear it to you, and in the following segment of reality, I will offer undeniable proof. This proof is so sound you'll want to hunt down every teacher you ever had and poke them in the eye for the years of lying that's been done to you. If you live in "Ohio" you'll finish reading this and you'll say: WHAT AM I? WHERE AM I!? Fortunately, this question is easily answered, and being the absolutely swell feller that I am, I will answer these questions for you. Fear not Ohioians, the truth is coming.. soon you'll have all the answers, but first lets dig into the facts.
I should tell you a bit about the history of this blog. I told you, its old hat if you know me, but the really crazy bit is, the original publication of this blog pissed off one reader so bad I actually recieved hate mail. Following my maniacal non stop laughter over this hatemail, I of course retorted by posting her angry ass letter as my next blog.. these are the things I'm prone to do, as the truth is, I'm really just not very nice am I? Here's the crazy thing, some time, many many months later, we actually became friends and she got rid of the restraining order against me. It was a triumphant day for the truth, but also for yours truly. Because let's face it: She's hot. Now, I'm quite good at pissing off good looking girls, but normally it takes more than my insulting a make believe place to do it.

An interesting story huh? Also, here's the really wild part. It's true. Would I lie? No, I wouldn't, would I Nikki? Onward!!

Check that shit out, I made my own truth logo. I figured since I'm quite codependant on that word, I should have my own cool logo like those bitches that want me to stop smoking. But do I stop? Fuck no! Well no, I did once. BAD IDEA. It's like blogging. I've stopped that a few times, but I always come back to my old friend!

So Ohio isn't real even though you think it is and now you want proof! Maybe you're from Ohio, or you live there.. but you only think you're from there or live there. First off, Ohio is made up on a basis of lies. It's like the tower of babel. God didn't like that tower and so He struck it down with a mighty force. That place got destroyed! Were Ohio really real, it would happen again.. Imagine the carnage that would follow! Not just one town, and one sweet ass tall tower, but an ENTIRE STATE! Families, friends, and people that are unknowing would be dead!

Believeing in Ohio is like worshiping a golden calf. Now I'm not going to get into religous debating, but you can do what you like but we all know from the History Channel that having a golden calf to worship is not only stupid and quite retarded, but also a VERY bad idea no matter who you are. No one likes calfs that much anyways, not even the mommy cows. They see the calfs and they all run around like ADD kids hopped up on too much icecream and JOLT! The fortunate thing is, calfs soon realize this and then all their energy is focused on becoming a massive landmonster which will become my big mac. Thats yummy for the tummy.

So lets talk about the cities first. Cleveland sucks! They suck so bad that they lost their football team. The fact of life is, you know if your football team leaves town you really suck. But the city FOUGHT! For the rights to the name of this franchise and eventually got a new team which took the same name. Now, this would be cool if the team was named something like THE DESTROYERS! Or or or - The Arnold Swartzeneggers! But no, its just a gay color. The browns. Their saving grace is that the helmet is Orange which is a pretty sweet ass color. Orange is the color of heroes. Yellow is the color of lame stuff. Sorry Stealer fans. So the Browns who are really the OJ's aren't good, nor have they ever been good. Its really rather sad. The shame is almost as unbearable as saying you're a Detroit fan, but the good news is.. I said ALMOST- because, lets face it. If theres a place that sucks worse or a football team that sucks worse, its Detriot. Cleveland is so nasty that bands boycott the place even though allegedly the "Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame" is there. Now how cool is that? Not very, considering Metallica is in the "Hall of Fame". Sorry! The facts begin to build..

Cincinati.

Now heres another place people refuse to go to because it licks the taint off an elephant. Like Cleveland, it has a shitty football team. There have been glimpses of granduer from this football team, like once every millenia they have a good season, which is more than you can say for the Browns or Lions, but thats not enough to give a convincing arguement. On the flip side, they have a cool mascot, The Bengals! Now THIS is a mascot worth fighting over. And just like Cleveland, they use orange as a color. As you can tell, the originality just flows all over this place! Let's cover what the weather conditions are like in these two well known cities. It's cold, dreary, snowy, and shitty. So here we have two fine examples of what one might consider to be hell on earth. Is this something to be proud of Ohioians? The answer is no! Dur!

Columbus.

Columbus doesn't have a football team, but they have a Hockey team. Now since I'm still pissed off over the Canadan's beating us in the olympics in hockey, we'll not even touch this part of the subject. Obvioiusly, this town is named after someone famous. Mr. Christopher Columbus! The FOUNDER of the new world! (Unless you believe that werewolfy injuns were here first.) Oh, I love his master brain skill he had, he called it the Indies. This just goes to show you how much of a dumbass he was.. considering we're no where close to India, though the american jobs seem to be pretty closely related to India anymore, don't they? You know, I paid a credit card payment tonight over the phone. The asshole with a dot on his forehead and an accent so thick I could barely understand him actually told me his name was Derrick Jones. Even though it was clearly some crazy ass Indian name that I'll never be able to pronounce. I really hate liars.

Back to the task! Columbus was a murderer and an overall piece of shit who should have been aborted. He enslaved the natives, he stole their gold, and eventually was imprisoned for many reasons, but the main reason was this: He's a fuckstick with no friends to stick up for him. Why the fuck would you name a city after a douche like this? The answer: YOU WOULDN'T!

You know, the Drew Carey show took place in Ohio. Cleveland if I'm not mistaken. Drew Carey hasn't had a good show on TV like ever. That show started off with a theme song that said "Cleveland Rocks!" Which further fuels the lies. But, its ok- why? Because that show was not funny, nor was it entertaining. This fuels the popular belief that "Ohio" is just a set in Hollywood where terrible shows such as Drew Carey are filmed. Sometimes, you'll see a movie that takes place in "Ohio" -- Thats the same set. You only need one, its dreary, ugly, gray, and shitty looking. This set also doubles for hell in some movies, they just add flames. How do we prove this though? Check this out, I snapped this shot with my handy camera when on a visit once!

Now- look upon this picture! Do you see the truth burning a hole in you like an ant gets fried with a magnifying glass?! It's scary, I know, but hold on, we're not done yet, lovelies! Not even close! So buckle your seat belt, because it gets much spookier. Like, a ghost that just wants to punch you every time you take a bath. Why would that be bad? Well never fuck with ghosts, its a law of nature. Secondly, baths are relaxing and wonderful. Punches to the face are not relaxing. I think the best way to ruin a perfectly good hot soothing relaxing bath is a good punch in the face. And to make it even more disturbing, some invisible ghost does it and thats worse because you think, "I can't see them! Yet here I am nekkid and they can see me, and their punching me!"

Fuck ghosts.

MORE PROOF!

The state government lies to the world. So do the prison inmates. The proof is in the license plates. These license plates are so packed full of lies that North Carolina decided to fight back against Ohio in class action law suits and I think they may have actually hired a hitman too. Anywho, look at these license plates, they are real. You have Ohio claiming to be the birthplace of aviation, and then North Carolina with their first in flight license plate. But whom can you trust? The answer is this:

The never wrong- WIKIPEDIA

If you read about the Wright brothers there it will tell you clearly that, just as you learned in school, the Wright brothers flew their first airplane AND gliders in Kitty Hawk, NORTH CAROLINA.

Sorry Ohio, you lose, and you lose because you're a bunch of bold faced liars. Aviation was not born in Ohio, no matter what you said. Airplanes took off in North Carolina, thus making it the birthplace of aviation. The lies build, you're feeling disgusted, as well you should be.

Water Front Property!

"Ohio" borders some water, but not something as totally rad as an ocean. Nah, they have a big fuckin lake... Lake Erie. First off, the name should tell you enough to know that you never want to go there. It is, for lack of a better word.. Eeeeerrriieee! Just like ghosts. But it gets worse, the water is so overly polluted that the real name should be "Lake Sludge"

If they bottled it like Fiji bottles their water, it'd be a gelatinous goo. Pour it from the bottle to you glass, it comes out in a clump, and probably has a syringe stuck in it. Enjoy your drink! Only a real man could drink that and not die. I myself am not a real man, for I am too cowardous to try it.. And so are you. Now, here is a life lesson learned from the Simpson's. What happens when water get's so dirty that nothing should live in it? Mutations. (cmon, you know you remember the 3 eyed fish) -- Or worse: MONSTERS. If there's one thing in this world you should never fuck with, its ghosts, as we've covered. If theres a second thing never to fuck with, its a Monster. I did a bit of research and I found a picture of Lake Erie for you. you decide if you'd wanna swim there. If your answer is "HELL YES!" You need a frontal labotomy.

The evidence has piled taller than Everest. So far we've covered Ghosts, Monsters, Water, Towns, Football. Of course, I've got to touch on one of the best parts of life: College.

Ohio has a couple colleges. One of my favorites is The University of Miami. Which you see on the ticker on ESPN say:

Miami (O) - That's just another Ohio rip off. You see? So little claims to fame, they actually TRIED to steal Miami. But everyone already knows Miami is in a real state and its totally rad, and so is the state and that of course is Florida. Sorry Ohio, everyone knows it, Miami is NOT in Ohio. Goddamn you plagerizing bastards! But their real claim to fame is the Ohio State Buckeyes. Which poses the Question: What the fuck is a Buckeye? Why the fuck would you want to be called a Buckeye? I wasn't sure, so I did research for you, once again.. from the Wikipwnage.

"Buckeye may refer to: Several tree species of the genus Aesculus"

Well that's all fine and dandy, but what is an Aesculus? So I read on!

"The genus Aesculus (pronounced /ˈɛskjuləs/[1] or /ˈaɪskjuləs/) comprises 13-19 species of woody trees and shrubs native to the temperate northern hemisphere, with 6 species native to North America and 7-13 species native to Eurasia; there are also several hybrids."

K- so translation, buckeye is a tree with nuts on it. First off, I'm not fond of putting nuts in my mouth, but especially not these nuts.

There you have it. The answer to the question. This is a buckeye. Now, to go back to that whole awesome mascott thing.. Who wants this as their mascott? I knew a fellow once who used to bet on teams based on which mascot could kick anothers ass. (Surprisingly, this theory worked out pretty well for him) -- Now, who can beat a buckeye? What about The Machete's? Or or, the Weed Wackers.. or perhaps the Scissors. This mascott is more lame than the Mighty Browns. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.

So let's conclude before my insomnia wears off!

The facts about "Ohio"

• The Drew Carey Show sucks.
• Buckeyes are plants, or nuts. Spiney nuts.
• The Browns are lame, not really brown, and suck as a football team.
• The Bengals suck too.
• The state is dreary
• Nasty
• Cold
• Lake "Erie" Has monsters and the water is sludge.
• Lying license plates about who flew first.
• Christopher Columbus was an asshole.
• Bands won't go there.
• Metallica is horrible.

When you add all these things together, the result just gives me such a strong feeling that were this place to really exist- it would be hell on earth, and I just don't thing God would let that happen. Fuck the tower of Babel, this place is MUCH worse! Hell, I'd rather prance nude screaming racial slurs in the middle of any Middle Eastern country than visit this horrid place.

Now you're enlightened, and if you're in "Ohio" You're terrified: "WHERE AM I! WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS HAPPEN! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!" - You're absolutely right, you need to get outta there before the apocolypse destroys you first. But, to answer the question of, since ohio isn't real, where are all these people really? The answer is this: New Michigan.

That's right, I know I told you Detroit sucks, and it's borderline to Hell on Earth... but it's not any worse than this make believe place known as Ohio. Or, if you want to not call it make believe, you can rephrase:

That's right, I know I told you Detroit sucks, and it's borderline to Hell on Earth... but it's not any worse than this no mans land, demilitarized zone, toxic hellhole, modern day Tower of Babel, Television/Movie set in Hollywood -- Known as Ohio.

New Michiganers, fight back and evacuate NOW!!

SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!

Thank you.