Top 10 Best Video Games. Ever.

Its been a while since I posted a top ten list. So why wait? Grab a snickers and lets get started, bitches!

Video games. If you’re between the ages ANY age and ANY age, you have played video games. They are an important part of life, and if you have ignored that part of life, you really do have something quite very much really wrong with you. I myself am an expert when it comes to video games. Lets find out why!

Lets see.. I am an american male, that means playing video games is engrained into my genetic code. There’s nothing any of us can do. We’re born with it. When I was 5 days old, I beat Pitfall for the first time on my Atari. Thats right, God Bless America and the male species for making the second most perfect video game players on earth. I say second for a reason. Japan will always kick our asses. There’s nothing any of us can do.

So let's dive in and face the truth. I could easily say this is the top ten best Nintendo games, or Sega, or Playstation, or Xbox, or PC, or Mac.. Ok so thats a lie, we can’t say Mac because as we all know, Mac sucks for video games. Make no mistake, I do own an ipod. 2 of them. But as for computer action, theres just not games for it. Besides the point. We will combine all of these platforms today, and we’ll add them together and see who is on top!

Ready?!

Then we’ll begin our descent into hell! The mixture of these games I should add, is not of any particular genre. Sports, racing, adventure.. everyone’s here to get their ass praised for gloriousness! And now, the nominiees are:

Number ten is no weak feat. Remember there are a gajillion and three video games out there. So be proud number 10. Crazy Taxi.

This game featured you as an insane pilot of a badass taxi cab. It inspired all of us to do two distinct things with out lives.

• Buy a Sega Dreamcast
• Become a taxi driver

The sad news is, I could not buy a sega for any reason, even for this game. The even sadder news is, my name is cr1ck3e, not Mohammud, and therefore i could never become a taxi driver. Also, I have no sense of direction. In this game, you’d go about with your cab fairs and try to get them places as quickly as possible, taking as many flying short cuts as possible, even if you destroyed a hotdog stand in the process. All the while, trying to avoid pissing off the customer so bad they took a digger out the door, tuck and roll style. And of course, to make as much money as possible. This game really had no way of “winning” so to speak, so it was mindless and fun. most people would get really high and then play this game and laugh their ass off. Maybe this is why we never beat it? The downside to this game was it was on a sega machine. But later down the road, it was released for nintendo gamecube which saved sega’s ass. It took them years, but they finally bowed down to the man.

Coming in a place slightly better than our last game, we find an adventure game that was probably one of the most hilarious concepts ever: Earthworm Jim.

Meet Jim. He is a worm in a power suit and he has a gun. Do you see how this game starts off hilariously? You can shoot your gun, or the suit will pull your worm body out and use it as a whip. Either way, your goal is to save Princess Whats-her-butt. The first thing you do int his game is launch a cow off into space. You laugh, and you think, wtf was that for? Then, when you beat the game, said cow comes flying back down to the ground only to crush the princess after you’ve saved her. Thats irony. Its also fantastical. The creaters of this game were definitely on some awesome drugs when they thought it up, but who cares? You were like 12 and you didn’t know any better for another year or so. The graphics were some of the best on the SNES, and it was an enjoyable and sometimes challenging game all the way through.

Coming in here we have a game that was not created by seriously drugged up people. A traditional sports game, on an oldschool platform. Tecmo Superbowl. I think in the grand scheme of things, I probably wasted 3 years of my childhood on this game. The amazing thing was, when you were in trouble and in danger of losing that game, all you had to do was toss the ball to Bo Jackson. That’s right, in a world of amature athletes there are few Bo Jackson’s out there. This guy you could pitch the ball to and make him zig zag for an entire game and win every game by one touchdown every fucking game. This also ranks as the top sports game in general, even more so football games ever. And it was the NES, beat that bitches! I know what you’re saying, how can this be better than Madden?! Easy, it was the predecessor of Madden. Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo. And life was better that way. Anymore these games have just gotten over done over the years. Now, I’m not saying I’d go back and play this game again, but damn it was fun when I was 11.

This particular game comes to us from a series of games that have been great since the first time they ever touched your TV. From the first time you ever played one of these games, you knew they were just fucking rad. How do you pick one of them to be the best and come in at the prestigeous place of number seven? I did eeneemeeneemiiineemo. It worked out great.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Again, its hard to pick the best Zelda game of the bunch, and considering I myself have only beat two hole Zelda games ever, this one wasn’t one of them. But this took us to a whole new form of Zelda. Riding a horse, moving around across a huge vast world, ahh, this was a modern era in video gaming. It also went away from that weird overhead look like Link to the Past had. It was a pretty fucking sweet storyline too, travelling in time. Adding SciFi into fantasy is always a way to get the nerds excited. Here’s the downside to Zelda. It always ends the same. You beat Gannondorf, you save the Princess, and what do you get? DICK! No kiss from the chick, no loving. No nookie. FUCKIN NOTHING! Thats bullshit. If I were Link and I didn’t even get to see Zelda’s boobs out of the deal, I think I’d take that big badass sword and stick her with it. Bitch. She’s kinda snotty too. Link Link! Help me so you can get no nookie or money or prestige! SAVE THE DAY, SAVE THE WORLD ALL FOR.. nothing. I’m sitting there in my house in the village and I get this message. Umm hey, fuck off I think i’m gonna have a beer, slap my horse, and then go find the village whore to have a good night with. i don’t need to risk my life for nothing, bitch! Maybe thats just me?

Ok, I’m tired of talking about Nintendo games, lets branch out. As we all know, Bill Gates is trying to take over the entire universe and you are not safe with your video games either. Enter, Xbox. Xbox 360. Bill Gates OWNS YOUR SOUL! And this game is the best one fo the bunch. And because of what it is, you’ll also see that it is the best racing game in the history of the world. Duh, its Need for Speed. Its also Most Wanted. Funniest thing I just said with all that crap.. The picture I have is from playstation 2. Since I only played it on Xbox though.. screw the PS2 version. However, that being said- This was the only picture I could find of the cover. Deal. This game is STILL fucking awesome. You get to drive all these sick ass cars and fly across town. Then when you do too much, you get chased by the cops. But fuck them chasing you, fucking ram them!! That presents a problem for some cars, but others demolish the fuck outta cops. Theres this hot chick named Mia who is guiding you through this game, but just like a typical woman, she betrays you in the end. Here’s the real pisser of the game.. the whole point of this game is to win back your BMW. K- win back that BMW. In the process you start off driving fuckin Chevy Cobalt. Yup easy to understand.. who woudl take that over a beemer. But throughout the game you end up with much better cars than a fucking bmw. Theres Porsche’s, and Lambo’s. There’s no Ferrari’s, but theres an Astin Martain. (which sucked.) If I’m cruising around in a Lambo, I could fuckin care less about a BMW, but maybe that’s just me? And regardless of what Rai says… The best car in the game was totally my Lotus Elise in dark green. (Sorry rai, I had to) He hated that car.. dunno why? Anywho, so yes, this game rules. You get to race, you get to run from the cops, you cruise through town at 200+ MPH and you take short cuts through the golf course. For lesser people, this is a great fantasy.. for me, I call it Wednesday. Seriously.

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!! or how about.. FIVE GOLDEN EYES! That’s right, we’re back at Nintendo. What can you say? They’ve been making games longer than Moses was alive. In fact, did you know Moses was addicted to Duck Hunt? Seriously, how do you think the Egyptian’s couldn’t beat him? Cheat codes. So anyways, Bond. Golden Eye. It was fucking fantastic. The summer after I graduated high school I think i murdered 98% of my brain cells on this game. I’m still reeling from the effects of said summer, but wow what a ride! So the game itself was ground breaking. I learned something when I was preparing this blog.. its a very good thing I make my pictures so small because quite honestly, looking back at it, I remember it being WAY cooler than it looks now. But whatever the fuck, who cares, thsi game still kicked ass. Battle mode was totally rad, running around with machine guns in paint ball mode killing the fuck out of each other? What could be better? NOTHING BITCH! If theres one thing I love in life, its cookies. If there’s another thing I love a shit load its shooting my friends in the face with guns. I guess this is why people really don’t like me much. Hum. What a pisser. Moving on. It was cool. I spent so much shooting and exploding my mates that we got creative and started to kill each other execution style. Which is kinda chickenshit but whatever. I blame the Russian’s.

We’re gonna move away from consoles with this one. Are you surprised? You should be, because despite my unruly raping of Apple computers before, this game, I’m pretty sure you could actually get on an iComp0otR. Ha-ha! You Apple fans are feeling redeemed! This game is on Apples because its made by Blizzard Entertainment, its on ishit. It is DIABLO. Not Diablo 2. That game was just like Diablo 1, and it took them way too long to make it and that puts them in the bottom feeders of games. Diablo 1 however was fucking epic. It was a fellow who descended into hell to face Diablo in epic combat!! There were skeletons, there were demons, there was BLOOD AND THERE WAS MOTHERFUCKIN GORE! What is better than shooting your friends in the face with an RCP120? Chopping them apart with a big ass sword. That works perfect for this game if your friends are demons from hell. Like me. All my friends are from hell. This is why I hack apart everyone I can find. Also because they are invading my privacy in my cave and I don’t like that. I told you before, I do not tollerate invaders. So anyways, you get fuckin rad armour, a big ass sword, or axe or something, and you destroy the evil in the world. And in Hell. Awesome. This game was released sometime around my 14th birthday and I played it solid for a few years. I can remember the emmersion into this game as I would turn off the lights, turn up the volume and listen to the evil sounds around me as I destroyed them all. Fantastical.

We’ve reached the famed TOP 3! Its an honor to make any top ten list I’ve put out, even if its one insulting you. Why? Because I thought about you enough to write about you. And you, the readers, read it, and therefore honor them in return. But who gives a shit about the rest of them. Today we’re here for video games goddamn it. And now we go to the importants. I’m proud to say that these games are all each from a different system too! Ohh the anticipation is killing me, so lets get on with it already, self!

Square Enix makes this game. Its awesome. Like Zelda, there' have been a trazillionoid of them out there, but this one was clearly the best one ever. There’s no denying its ultimate badassness, and kudo’s go to the people of Sony for capitalizing that shit on their Playstation system. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll say it anyways.. Final Fantasy 7.

This game is an RPG, therefore it ranks as the best RPG ever made. Period. This game was awesome for many reasons. First off, at the time, the graphics were stunning. I remember how excellent they were in my head. Then I googled. As it turns out, man those graphics look like shit to todays standards, but who cares? My memory remembers the awesomeness they were. Another thing, it was like what, 3 disks long on your PS1? Man that was a long game. So we have graphics, and the game play was fun too. But then there was the real kicker, this game had the greatest most fucked up story line I think I’ve ever seen in a game, movie, or story book. Granted I’ve not been reading for all that long, but I’m working on it. The story was definitely more interesting and twisted with more shocks than stupid Twilight. You have the main character who, admittantly has a gay name. Cloud. Cloud is a hired mercenary to blow a building. he does it, but then he joins the cause! You find out he was ins SOLDIER which is why he is such a badass. Ahh then he meets a girl from his past. Love is blossoming? Only for her. Poor Tifa wants Cloud bad, but he just doesnt see it because like most guys hes a retard. Then he meets the love of his life, oh and she is hot. But then he finds out shes some kind of mystical person, and Elder! WOW! This is hot love. THEN you find out that he was never really in SOLDIER, and he’s not even real. He’s a clone. How awesome. A clone of his old mentor, Sephiroth. Sephiroth is a total badass who, at the end of 20+ hours of playing, and finally reaching the end of disk one, KILLS YOUR CHICK! Just as you find her. Cock sucker. This makes him super evil. Insuing twists and turns take place over the next two disks and then you finally reach the epic last battle. If you’re me, you tried for weeks to beat Sephiroth, and when you got close he’d pull some meteor move out on you and kill you and your whole party, and unfortunately, you never beat the game. But you had a buddy who could, so he beat it for you so you could see the end. Thats right, its like cheat codes, and its unfulfilling and a total let down. If I were japanese I could have done it. But I’m not, mores the pitty. This game was so wonderful though that everyone wanted a sequal.. When FF8 came out and it wasn’t any of the characters we wanted, it sucked ass. So they fixed it later on though, they made a movie, FF7: Advent Children. I love that movie too. It was totally cool, go buy it now. In fact, I think I’m going to buy it on bluray, because that’d just make my heart pitter patter even harder.

We’re going back to the most feature gaming system on this top ten list, and that of course is Nintendo. How can you ever deny Nintendo as the king of all gaming systems. With exception of maybe the GameCube. I mean, it was an ok system but really, could have been so good, just wasn’t that great. Anyways, thats besides the point, because lets face the truth, I can talk as much shit as I want about the cube, but i used mine till it broke. Then i waited, and got a wii. So whatever.. But this game is obviously the greatest of its long long franchise. Through out this list i know you’ve been thinking, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARIO!? Well he’s right here folks, at number two. Super Mario Brothers 3.

How did I reach this decision? Easy, this game I played so much I actually melted my left eye doing it. Of all the Mario’s this one was the first to impliment that awesome map system that’s been used ever since. It also had Luigi. If theres one thing thats gone wrong with mario in recent years, its the loss of Luigi in the Mario franchise games. Then there were Bowser’s kids fucking up the game, giving more story line to these plumber based games. Also there was that awesome racoon’s tail that made you fly! FLYING RULES! Now lets compare. Mario 1, the orignal. Awesome. Epic, grand!!! So amazing, and how do you top the original? Well it wasn’t with Mario 2. That game was weird, it didn’t make sense, it didn’t have any of the typical bad guys, but it did have mouser. That big ass mouse who worse sunglasses. I know you remember.

Mario 3 took us back to a familiar land, baddies, and adventure. Fuck Dream World! Its time to smash some turtles and goombas. Fuck that Koopa bastard, always kidnapping your chick! You know, Princess Toadstool is a problematic bitch. She’s always being kidnapped by Bowser, and this shits been going on for 23 years now. You’d think by now she’d have better security, or maybe Mario would be tired of having to save her all the fucking time and would just GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND. But, in his defense, if I was dating royalty, I’d not ditch the bitch either. No matter how many times you have to save her stupid ass.

But there was Mario World, sure that had cooler graphics and yoshi, but it was later. There was Mario 64 which gave us a 3d orgasmic enviroment, but no, NOTHING could ever top Mario 3. It was the basis for the games to come, it was the king of its time. And it was on an 8 bit system and looked superb. Also, since I know you had the original NES, you know that most games didnt work. you blew on the cartridges, you had a typical pattern of slapping the NES its self that made it work better. You had a green crayon or your sisters barbie head that you stuffed on top of the game to make it work consistantly. But the truth is, Mario 3 always worked, it NEVER failed. That made it the king! Long live the king of a system, a franchise, and a generation!

We’ve reached it. Drum roll please…

The greatest video game of all time. Its a pretty big feat. What makes a game so great that it gets the title of The Best Video Game of All Time in the History of the World. x 2. Well, lets announce it first and then we’ll explore WHY!

Starcraft. Thats right, no matter how much I ripped on Apple computers, this game was also made by Blizzard and therefore was on the ikickyoasscr1ck3ecomputer! totally pwnd. But whatever the fuck, I knew it was coming, I swear. I did it on purpose.. yeah. Dramatic emphasis. Take that, SURPIRSE! This game IS the greatest game of all time. Lets talk about why. First off, this a RTS game. You start off with 4 idiots who can’t kill a meerkat, and they mine shit and from there you build a badass army which will likely be destroy ten times in your quest for total domination of the map!! This game was like Starship Troopers the game. Killing bugs. Theres hardly anything thats more satisfying.. Unless you were totally insane and liked BEING the bugs and killing people!! Buwahaha! And you could play it online. I found after a while I was fairly good at this game, and would play it online. Well, people stopped like playing against me becasue I would destroy them. So like the heathen devil pagan I am, I changed my name online to Hitler. This was always inspiring for some poor sap to try and take me on. Here’s how great the game is.. It was made in like 97… The last time I played it was like.. January of this year. Admittedly I’ve been on video game hiatus since.. January.. ish. So, thats why writing this now is pure poetry. So, this is a game thats 13 years old and its STILL fun to play! Beat that! A great game is one that can defy time. And only the best game of all time in the history of the world can defy that much time! This is a game where you can still gather your friends and build an army to destroy their puny skills against you, thus making you the greatest nerd of al time!!! Who cares if someone calls you a nerd though, because if you have any experience with these games, you already know that if someone insults you by calling you a nerd or whatever, from Diablo you learned how to flay apart your enemies mercilessly. If you played Goldeneye, you’ll know exactly how to shoot them in the face and not miss! And if many people call you a nerd, you know how to strategicly defeat them in an epic battle of conquest thanks to the greatest game of all time.

So there you have it. There are some honorable mentions that i should put in to end it. As I’ve said before, until you sit, think, and write a top ten list, you never really realize just how few numbers there are in 1 through 10. Ahh well.

Honorable Mention

• Space Invaders – Atari
• Tetris – Nintendo
• Excitebike – Nintendo
• Doom – PC
• Pac Man (cmon, man)
• Destroy All Humans – Lots of Systems
• Conker’s Bad Furr Day – N64
• Mario Kart(s)

That’s a pretty intense list. Question’s? Comments? Send them to me, maybe I can do a sweet assYup, I made that graphic and have never used it so I figured it was time. Thank you.

Fear.

Today I think we’ll cover a very serious subject matter. As you can see from the title, we’ll cover; fear. Fears are everywhere, but we’ll not discuss stupid fears, like random phobias that make no sense what so ever.. Oh no, we’ll discuss real fears that can plague your dreams, turning even the most peaceful of rests into such dismay that you’ll never close your eyes again. Please keep in mind, the following is not for the weak of heart.. only the strong will make it through this blog with their wits intact. Proceed with caution!!

Well, to say I have no fear would be a lie. I – like the rest of you, have my fair share of fears. I won’t tell you what they are though, because they are so intense that you won’t know what to do with yourself after reading them  … then again, that sounds amusing so perhaps I *will* tell you them. So, having fears makes me an expert on the subject and therefore i nearly have a phd in this, so listen up chumps! This shits about to get REAL!!!

 

Before we delve into that which will haunt you, I’d like to start off with a few announcements. First off, I’m writing to you today like a real writer as I am now the proud owner of my very own laptop, and no longer have to sit at a desk to write! Thats right ladies and germs! I am now sitting at a tiny ass screen and keyboard, with cigarette in hand, smashing away at keys which are causing even more spelling and grammatical errors than ever before!! You may have noticed, frequently that I do not proof read nor do I spell check my blogs. But why you ask? It is because that would take more effort than I really want to give AND furthermore, I am afraid of spellcheck. That’s right, Spellchecking is the devil. It scares the hell out of me for a number of reasons, but the king of these reasons is because to use spell checking would be to admit that I can make a mistake in my crusade to bring you the truth, and that could never happen.

 

UPDATE

It was brought to my attention by a few readers that our dearly beloved Ryan Seacrest made reference to Brian Dunkleman last night on Idol. Thankfully for the DVR which some people possess, I crept out of my cave, hissed at daylight, and went to see for myself! Turns out, it was true! No one in the crowd really knew who the fuck he was talking about when he mentioned him, and I think about 1.32 people clapped, but the the truth of the matter is what is most important, and that is this: Ryan Seacrest reads my blog. That’s straight hilarity in the flesh, and I should likely take the next few lines to apologize for the mass amounts of jokes I indiscriminately tossed out at his expense… I’m not going to though, because that’d just be silly and a waste of time. So my loving readers, thank you for reading, and that includes you Seacrest! But I’m not out yet! Oh hell no, I’m just getting warmed up. But you see, I’m like a fat kid getting ready for gym class, my warm up consists of a snickers bar, mountain dew, and wiping my nose on my sleeve, Therefore, I’m so unprepared for this blog that it too will likely take me more than one day to finish. Seeing as how its late does not help our cause. Who cares though?? On with the show!

 

As I said, fear comes in many different ways shapes and forms. Sometimes it is unnesessary  to be afraid of something, and therefore it lowers ones intelligence to be afraid some something to trivial and stupid. There are some real things to definitely be afraid of, and that’ll be our main focus on the day.

CLOWNS

Clowns are freaky as fuck and you should really be afraid of them if you are not. I’ve spoken with a few people and most people ARE in fact, afraid of clowns. This is good for them, and human kind. Clowns will fuck you up in so many ways.

You see here an innocent looking, and very happy clown. His goal in life seems simple: to entertain you, and other small children and make them smile. This could not be further from the truth my friends. The truth is, the are demons from hell that are sent by Satan to the earth to populate, procreate, and dominate. Their one goal in life: To terrorize the shit out of you!

Most people who are afraid of clowns, are afraid of them because of a fellow named Stephen King, who terrorized an entire generation with his thrilling story: IT. If you’re between the ages of zero and one billion and 5, you’ve seen this book turned into a movie and had the life scared out of you by this homocidal maniac clown who would not only eat your soul, but cackle the entire time. As it stands, you likely have not seen this clown since you watched it for the first time when you were about 12, so let me reintroduce you to the face of horror!

Fuck clowns! If you’re walking down the street tomorrow and you see a clown, please take my advice and turn and walk a different direction, for that clown is looking to murder you in an unspeakable fashion, claim your soul for Satan’s army, and likely he’ll deficate on your dead body… and thats just not nice. Hell, that’s meaner than even I could do. Here’s a picture of what a clown really looks like. Be very, very, afraid.

Spiders

Some people are afraid of spiders.. I must confess, this is a rather strange thing to be afraid of. First off, lets look at a cute, cuddley little spider.

This spider means you no harm! He is innocent of all charges and racial slurs against him. To hate a spider, and be afraid of it is lunacy. When I see a spider, I don’t scream and cry, OMG A SPIDER!

Fuck no, I see that spider and I high five him with my pinky finger.. Eight fuckin times! This is a sure fire way to cure anyone’s phobia of spiders. You need to approach the spider with honesty and bravery, you must nod respectfully, and you must high five in a fashion that appeases the said spider.

But seriously, why would anyone be afraid of a spider? I can understand why you would be afraid of a lion. A lion can eat yo ass. Hell, a lion could eat you and still be hungry unless you’re a massive 400 lbs land monsters. If you are a massive land monsters, please see my blog on reality television.. you need to go on the biggest loser, friend. But no, a spider cannot do anything to you to really hurt you much. REMEMBER! There are NO spiders like the one in Lord of the Rings!

Now, if you were to enter say, a cave, like where I live, you might find a spider that can eat you. I personally try to keep those as pets since I get along with spiders so well, and I have found that once trained propperly they make AMAZING watch dogs. Everyone needs a look out to watch their back, and what better look out than a creature with multiple eyes, and a shit ton of legs. Also, webs are cool even if they are a bit too sticky for my tastes. So, remember, the next time you see a spider, if its not 10-20 feet tall.. chances are you have no reason to be afraid of it, so sit down and offer it a cup of bugs, make a new friend for once, then everyone won’t think you’re such a hermit. Hell, it might be prudent to name them, that way instead of saying to your friends: So I was talking to this spider yesterday.. – you’re actually going to say, “So I was talking to Herman the other day..” Do you see how much more sane and real that sounds? Good! We agree then? Excellent! Lets move on to the next subject matter!

Bugs

Wit the mention of Spiders, it is only logical to transition straight into bugs. Bugs are terrifying to some people, and to the rest of us with half of a brain in our skulls, we don’t understand why. The truth of the matter is,  yes, they are creepy crawly. Yes they have lots of legs, but don’t hate on them for their multiple legs. Chances are this fear stems from loathing and envy for multiple legs because you know deep down in your soul, if you could have a fuck ton of legs, you’d totally do it. Imagine taking a walk with 6 legs. How easy would that be? It’d be easier than anything. Hell, it’d take you a long ass time before you ever even got tired! How cool would that be? Plus, you could run really fast like you were superman or something, and that’d be even cooler. Bugs are your friends, and they can’t eat your face or anything, so why be scared of them? Bugs are so friendly that they actually made a hit movie about them called: A Bugs Life. This movie starred lots of bugs. It was pleasant and cheerful.

My sister in law is afraid of crickets. Its easy to understand when you look at this beautifully edited picture of one. Crickets are probably trying to take over the world and that would normally give a person cause for concern, but the simple matter is, they are smaller than a quarter and weigh less. They have no weapons of mass destruction, and war against them, though it may be immanent, will be easily won, because we can crush them with our mighty shoes. Crickets- 0 Humans- 1

Airplanes

Why the fuck would anyone ever in the history of the world, be afraid of an airplane? That makes no sense at all. First off, lets look at the statistical facts:

1. Safer than cars
2. Faster than cars
3. Bigger than cars
4. Flown by pro’s not assholes on cellphones
5. No drunk drivers in the air.

Now we divulge. They are safer than cars.. and mainly because they’re not only flown by a professional who knows what the fuck he’s doing, but that guy isn’t some woman talking on her cell, curling her hair, drinking her coffee, putting eye make up on, smoking a cigarette ALL while trying to get to work in the morning. I see this all the time, you know you have too. Its scary as fuck to see a woman doing that whilst driving her car. In fact, I’d say its better to be afraid of women drivers such as these than it is airplanes. Also, you can’t get a dui in the air, and the speed thing is awesome because there are no air cops out there waiting to bust a pilot’s ass for doing 300+ miles per hour.

There is however, one real reason to be afraid of riding in an airplane: The Red Baron. 

If you’re flying along for whatever reason and you look out your tiny ass plastic window and you see THIS next to you.. be afraid! Be very fucking afraid, because this guy can kill you with his eyes closed! He’s the greatest, most infamous badass of all time.  He' is so awesome that they even named some pizza after him. I myself do not have a pizza named after me. Yet.

Aliens

When it comes to little green men from Mars, who wouldn’t be afraid? Me. I don’t think alien’s are something to be afraid of. Think on it, people say OMG! They are kidnapping nurses and cows and give each anal probes! Seriously? This is what you’re afraid of? First off, if Alien’s can get to earth, then we know two major points of worry. First off, they know we really do exist, where as we have no physical evidence of them. They also know where we are and and how to get here. If thats the case, they’re obviously far smarter than us, and even though we’re all constantly trying new things that include but are not limited to sticking things up our collective asses.. Like our heads.. We still have no factual truth about them. So, even though I am adamantly opposed to anything doing any kind of probing up my bum.. I find that if alien’s are real, we have many problems which are bigger than, “What will he stick in my ass today.” Translation: If aliens ARE real, then we got seriously massive problems which do not include having something rammed up your dark star. With this sound logic strengthening you, you know your black cherry will remain intact and undisturbed by aliens. They’ll prolly just kill us all anyways. If you do want to fear aliens, fear the illegal kind because they are after your jobs, social security and wellfare. And if theres one thing that scares the hell out of me, its ghosts. If theres another thing though, its someone stealing my wellfare. How dare it run out and force me to get a job? If i have to go get a “real job” theres a good chance I might die. And that’d be a fate worse than cheerios. On a side note; the fear of Kara Diaguardi also falls into this category as she is the queen mother ailien from the Aliens movies.. (See American Idol blog) Now despite the rest of the aliens from outter space being something you don’t have to fear, Kara Diaguardi is something to fear as she wants to eat you, OR lay eggs in you so her babies can pop out of your chest. This phobia is known as Karadiaquariaphobia. Its real.

Cornfields

That’s right, cornfields. They are scary as fuck, and if you’re wise you’ll avoid them like a colonoscopy – like the kind an alien would never give you. Think back to our knowledge of the world that we’ve learned from living. Heres the number one fact to remember: Bad shit always happens in a cornfield. Theres never a good thing that happens when it comes to corn fields. Thank you Stephen King for Children of the Corn. That’s actually not the scary part, the scariest part of that is that shit really happens. People go to check to the water or the scarecrow, and they never fucking come back. Their remains are found after harvest.. and there isn’t much left of these said remains.. hence the name.. remains. There are many reasons which a cornfield is dangerous though. Scarecrows can come alive, and in fact they are not some stupid brainless retard like from the wizard of oz, but rather they are a spawn of darkness and evil, and the only way the can keep alive is to eat human flesh. Ritual sacrifices take place in corn fields. Why? Because you can hide the evidence of a crime there. Everyone knows that corn fields are spooky, so when someone goes missing theres always that clever deputy who suggests. Hey maybe we should look in old farmer tuck’s corn field… But the sheriff always sets him straight with a horror story of poor Deputy Clarke who went into the corn field looking for something once.. They never saw his ass again.. because he was ritually sacrificed to a demon scarecrow.

Going back to the fear of aliens.. Cornfields have a huge connection to aliens. Aliens are really like 3 year olds with finger paint.. but the canvas is not their bedroom wall while mommy isn’t looking.. oh no, its a motherfucking cornfield. Why? Because people don’t get it, and aliens, though they don’t want to stick something in your keester, are actually assholes themselves. We look at crop circles and we get cornfused as fuck. How did this happen? How COULD this happen? Some people have claimed humans do it, which is bullshit. The only humans brave enough to go into a cornfield much less one at night, are drunk rednecks who can’t spell their own names, much less make a sweet ass drawing outta the corn that fucking confuses everyone. Get real, people can’t make these, aliens do. So as a recap as to why there is total justification for the fear of cornfields:

• Aliens
• Ritual Sacrifice
• Demon Scarecrows

Shit, I don’t see why we need corn at all. You know theres a town in this land locked hellhole that has a corn festival? Needless to say, I’ve never been. First off, corn is NOT that good of a vegetible. Secondly, there’s always a washed up band there.. and finally and most importantly, it takes place in a cornfield. You won’t catch me dead in a cornfield, but if I ever end up in one by a freak of nature, I’ll surely end up dead.

Beer

A phobia of beer? Seriously? Some people have phobias of anything, but this one is just rather stupid to have, don’t you think? Well you may be right.. OR you may be.. wrong?

Thats right, theres a lot you can actually fear when it comes to beer. First off, Beer Goggles. That is something to definitely be afraid of. Secondly, “GOHOMOPHOBIA” The fear of going home after a party that ended prematurely because the beer ran out. These are all very easy to understand.. but a fear of beer itself? How can this be? There is only one way in which I can answer this question for you, and it is this:

That’s right, overrated, shitty tasting, horrible, horrible beer. Such as Budweiser. If you were faced with the choice of having to drink Budweiser or not drink at all, you’d have to pick not drinking at all, since Bud is really just that bad. The proof is in the nicknames. Buttwiper. Badweiser. The list goes on and on, but the fact remains, this beer is over advertised, over rated, and over sold. Hell, I’d rather drink Boon’s than this shit. Fuck Bud and all its evil spawns of reincarnation. Such as Bud Lite. I’d rather force a spoon down my throat than drink this shit. This is Desiree’s fear too.. make no mistake, I am not the only one with this logical fear.. If you don’t think bud sucks, someone ought to push you down a flight of stairs. If you survive that tumble, you’ll proudly exclaim to the world, “BUDWEISER SUCKS!” You salute every truck you see with a middle finger, and though no one may understand you, you’ll know that you’re not only justified, but right! That’s right, you too can help spread it; the truth. Its only saving grace, its TV commercials. And thats not enough to save it. Back to more fears!

 

Snakes

Are snakes really scary? There was a movie starring Samuel L Jackson called snakes on a plane.. it was not scary. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but never saw it. The reason you never saw it is because it was so horrible, watching it just once could melt your face. This is why I don’t look at cameras in pictures.. I was one of the unlucky ones to see it and lose part of my looks because of it. But the reality is, snakes are not scary, generally speaking… but they CAN be scary. Observe.

In this picture, one could accurately say that snakes can be quite scary. The fact is though, you’ll never have an application of snakes of this magnitude come at you. When will you ever see this many snakes in one place at one time? The answer is: Never. That means that snakes are in fact, not scary. But some people can make snakes scary. Once again I show you the the truth:

As you look at this person, at first you think, wait, what? Then take a closer look and you SEE the fucking snakes! That’s not right! These snakes are fucking this person up! Snakes are definitely scary! But you have to stop and think about it for a minute.. Did the snakes do this? Or was this a stupidity thing from some human who ought to be abducted and studied by aliens. The truth is, the snakes are scary, yes, but they are scary ONLY with the aid of the retard in this picture. There is something definitely wrong with this person. This picture does not show you a good reason to be scared of snakes, but rather, of people. Its pictures like this that make you wish this person would go to the Amazon where there is actually a snake large enough to eat them. This gives us a conundrum.. a snake, like a lion, can eat you. But I ask again, when will you ever see that snake in person? Its the reason you’re not scared of lions. you’re never going to get close enough to one to become a fleshy pizza roll, and you would never get close enough to a snake big enough to make you one. My final picture will show you that snakes are actually gentle creatures that you should love, and they are beautiful and artistic. Also, they have style. Final analysis: Snakes with the aid of humans are scary. By themselves, not.

See? Artistic and badass. Not scary at all.

 

 

 

Tornados

Some people fear mother nature for many reasons. Tornados are my nephews biggest fear, though I can’t exactly say why. When you live in a place that has wicked tornados, you’d think you’d become accustomed to dealing with them. Tornados are mother natures middle finger in the face of man kind. Its a giant “fuck you, and you’re fucking trailer park!” That makes them even better because as we all know, trailer parks are… simply put.. not cool. At all. Ever. In the history of the world there has never been a cool trailer park. The way I see it, Tornados are doing us a favor by destroying them. If I could have one dream job it would be: Hugh Heffner. If I could pick a job thats not necessarily a dream job but equally very cool, it’d be a storm chaser, thats for Goddamned sure. Bet on it.

 

Rats

Rats are terrifying, so shut your fucking mouth! How dare you laugh at my phobia? I really hate these plague carrying fucks. They are tiny, they squeak, they are not cute. Some people say, oh thats not a rat, its a mouse. FUCK YOU. Small and  white is a rat too. Large and gray, also a fucking rat. I hate them with a passion of a trazillion fires. First off, they can bite, and if there were a ton of them, and they all attacked you, you’d die. And when you see one, inevitably you see two. So obviously, they live as a miniture, more evil – wolf. They carry plague. The black death was because of rats. They have hunta virus. Pandemic. Thats right bitches, they can kill you without you ever seeing one.. by the pewp. Thats just not cool at all. Not being able to face your enemy in mortal combat is a total rip off of life. But for those of you who keep them as pets.. I hope they chew through their cages, find you in your sleep and eat your eyeballs. Fuck rats.

This also includes guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, and chinchillas. Not ferrets though, they are weasels and weasels rule. Birds are kind of creepy too, especially pigeons. I like to call them Air Rats. Fuck Air Rats. God, I think I think I need to go wash myself now.

 

Mirrors

Yes its a real phobia, and yeah, I have it. Mirrors are just fucking WRONG. I’m relatively certain mirrors are gateways, windows, if you will, into another dimension. There’s something on the other side, I’m telling you that for certain, and what its is.. its not good. Look at movies, they can guide you in this. In a movie, when someone looks into a mirror, something bad ALWAYS happens. This is because mirrors are straight evil. In this other dimension, where the evil lives, they watch us through mirrors, like we’re TV or something. Don’t believe me? Well lets examine the facts. How often do you really look into a mirror. Someone is ALWAYS looking back, even if you don’t realize it. Ever make a funny face in the mirror and then you laugh, but its a nervous laugh. Why is it a nervous laugh? Because you get this creeped out feeling that SOMONE IS WATCHING YOU. Whats worse? Someone IS watching you, fool! They’re probably laughing and plotting your doom too! Ever have sex in front of a mirror? Porno for the other dimension. These are not polite suggestions, they are facts, my friends. Mirrors are, without a doubt, creepier than rats. They don’t walk and squeak and carry disease, but where ever you see one, you see evil, and you see them every day, no matter where you go. They are in your house, in your car, at your work, in the bathroom, on the ceiling for some of you freaks.. You cannot escape them. They’re not following you, they are fucking Visa, everywhere you want to be. So avoid them like rats.

Ever see something in a mirror you were sure wasn’t there a second ago? Of course you have, heres the scariest part: It wasn’t there a second ago, your mind didn’t make it up, but you you still, nervously, make an excuse, oh it was a hard day, long week, too much stress… But the truth is you’re too afraid to admit the reality of it: Evil. Its here, its watching, and it fucking sees you.

 

Under the Bed

What the hell is under your bed? Its something bad, and you know it. At some point in out lives, we realize that there is definitely something evil under the bed. When you’re a kid, its the boogey man. After you watched IT, its a fucking clown. Now that you’re a growed up, you think, how silly of me to think there was something evil under my bed all these years, and theres like, totally not. Ha..ha.. ha.. right? WRONG!!! YOUR TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG AND YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT! Under your bed is where all the bad shit in the world really is. Its not the boogey man, its not THE DARK. Its the motherfuckin Lord of Hell, and he’s waiting for you. He’s gonna grab that foot of yours if you stick it out too far. Have you ever been laying there in bed and you’re under the covers and you’re like OMG THIS BED IS TOO FUCKING HOT! So, like a brain child, you kick your leg out from under the covers.. then, instinctively, you feel vulnerable, naked.. And slowly, ever so slowly, you start to draw you leg back UNDER the covers no matter how fucking hot it is.

The next day, you laugh at yourself, nervously again.. because how silly are you to feel like something is under your bed when you’re what? Almost 30 years old? Get a grip, kid. Lets not be childish. So, you talk to yourself logically. Look, theres nothing under the fucking bed. I know, self. We can prove it! We don’t need to do that. WE WILL ANYWAYS! I really don’t think I want to! STOP CRYING LIKE A BITCH, SELF!!! So you look. It looks like this:

Yup. Dust. And a sock. Why are you so afraid? Because deep down, you KNOW that some evil.. you can’t see. But you can feel it. Kick your leg out from under the covers tonight, and if you’re really brave and think I’m crazy, hang it off the side of the bed. Dare you.

But sleep does not have to be so scary, my friends. Oh no.. Remember, your covers will always protect you, they are the ultimate shield. They cannot stop fire, nor nuclear holocaust, but they can, undoubtedly, stop the evil thats under your bed. Every fucking time. Sleep tight!

Death

The fear of death is a fear I think most people have somewhere in them. Seeing as how I am quite unusual, I myself do not fear death, and neither should you. I challenge death, and death is my bitch. Someone says, “He cr1ck3e! Would you like to have a smoke?” I say: “I’ll have two!! BRING IT!” I drive slow through intersections, but most people are too afraid to ram me. I jay walk, leisurely.. cars avoid me like the plague. The fact of it is, death will find you when you’re supposed to be found, you can’t run, or hide. Therefore, fearing death is probably the stupidest thing you actually CAN fear. Fearing something that is inherantly evil like a mirror, or the underside of your bed.. or fearing something thats nasty and can eat you, like a rat.. thats reasonable, its justifiable, and it makes total sense. Death is something that is not evil, nor is it avoidable, like rats- therefore, to fear death is to fear life. And if you fear life, I hope Arnold Swartzenegger runs up to you, screaming HEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! And then slaps you and calls you a girly man. If you’re a girl, he’ll just call you a democrat. But he’ll still slap you. Then he’ll slap your ass, because he is a totally rad womanizing bastard, which makes him a real american hero. The good news is, whenever people have a “near death” experience, they never see skeletor in a robe with a sweet as weapon. So perhaps its not that bad afterall hmm? No, they always see something that resembles this:

Tunnels, lights, bright lights.. sometimes you even see your grandma, but never skeletor. I myself will likely see Skeletor, since I am nearest to He-Man, I’ll meet him in the afterlife for a goddamned epic battle.  But its cool, because I’ll have an awesome loin cloth, a sweet broad sword, and reason to scream I HAVE THE POWWWEERRRR!!!!

I won’t lie thats how I dress all the time, and I scream that line over and over again, but my broad sword is made out of tin foil, so people mainly mock me and I cannot attack them in return, because i don’t want the blade to bend. One day thought, Skeletor, your boney ass will be mine!!! I HAVE THE.. wait, that sounded terrible..

 

So we’ve covered fear! You made it through this journey through hell with me, and I’m proud of you. This was like an episode of mythbusters. Some fears are totally justified, like clowns. Some fears, are a massive waste of time to have, and if you had them before, you won’t now. We’ve debunked a couple myths of fear, and put rationale to other fears, so now, you have seen the truth, and you’ll know just how to react when faced with Snakes, planes, snakes on a plane, skeletor, bright lights, rats, air rats, ice cream, mirrors, and clowns. Congratulations my friends, this has been a long road to recovery, but you’re stronger now. Now, do tell… What scares YOU?