Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.

Top 10 Best Video Games. Ever.

Its been a while since I posted a top ten list. So why wait? Grab a snickers and lets get started, bitches!

Video games. If you’re between the ages ANY age and ANY age, you have played video games. They are an important part of life, and if you have ignored that part of life, you really do have something quite very much really wrong with you. I myself am an expert when it comes to video games. Lets find out why!

Lets see.. I am an american male, that means playing video games is engrained into my genetic code. There’s nothing any of us can do. We’re born with it. When I was 5 days old, I beat Pitfall for the first time on my Atari. Thats right, God Bless America and the male species for making the second most perfect video game players on earth. I say second for a reason. Japan will always kick our asses. There’s nothing any of us can do.

So let's dive in and face the truth. I could easily say this is the top ten best Nintendo games, or Sega, or Playstation, or Xbox, or PC, or Mac.. Ok so thats a lie, we can’t say Mac because as we all know, Mac sucks for video games. Make no mistake, I do own an ipod. 2 of them. But as for computer action, theres just not games for it. Besides the point. We will combine all of these platforms today, and we’ll add them together and see who is on top!

Ready?!

Then we’ll begin our descent into hell! The mixture of these games I should add, is not of any particular genre. Sports, racing, adventure.. everyone’s here to get their ass praised for gloriousness! And now, the nominiees are:

Number ten is no weak feat. Remember there are a gajillion and three video games out there. So be proud number 10. Crazy Taxi.

This game featured you as an insane pilot of a badass taxi cab. It inspired all of us to do two distinct things with out lives.

• Buy a Sega Dreamcast
• Become a taxi driver

The sad news is, I could not buy a sega for any reason, even for this game. The even sadder news is, my name is cr1ck3e, not Mohammud, and therefore i could never become a taxi driver. Also, I have no sense of direction. In this game, you’d go about with your cab fairs and try to get them places as quickly as possible, taking as many flying short cuts as possible, even if you destroyed a hotdog stand in the process. All the while, trying to avoid pissing off the customer so bad they took a digger out the door, tuck and roll style. And of course, to make as much money as possible. This game really had no way of “winning” so to speak, so it was mindless and fun. most people would get really high and then play this game and laugh their ass off. Maybe this is why we never beat it? The downside to this game was it was on a sega machine. But later down the road, it was released for nintendo gamecube which saved sega’s ass. It took them years, but they finally bowed down to the man.

Coming in a place slightly better than our last game, we find an adventure game that was probably one of the most hilarious concepts ever: Earthworm Jim.

Meet Jim. He is a worm in a power suit and he has a gun. Do you see how this game starts off hilariously? You can shoot your gun, or the suit will pull your worm body out and use it as a whip. Either way, your goal is to save Princess Whats-her-butt. The first thing you do int his game is launch a cow off into space. You laugh, and you think, wtf was that for? Then, when you beat the game, said cow comes flying back down to the ground only to crush the princess after you’ve saved her. Thats irony. Its also fantastical. The creaters of this game were definitely on some awesome drugs when they thought it up, but who cares? You were like 12 and you didn’t know any better for another year or so. The graphics were some of the best on the SNES, and it was an enjoyable and sometimes challenging game all the way through.

Coming in here we have a game that was not created by seriously drugged up people. A traditional sports game, on an oldschool platform. Tecmo Superbowl. I think in the grand scheme of things, I probably wasted 3 years of my childhood on this game. The amazing thing was, when you were in trouble and in danger of losing that game, all you had to do was toss the ball to Bo Jackson. That’s right, in a world of amature athletes there are few Bo Jackson’s out there. This guy you could pitch the ball to and make him zig zag for an entire game and win every game by one touchdown every fucking game. This also ranks as the top sports game in general, even more so football games ever. And it was the NES, beat that bitches! I know what you’re saying, how can this be better than Madden?! Easy, it was the predecessor of Madden. Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo. And life was better that way. Anymore these games have just gotten over done over the years. Now, I’m not saying I’d go back and play this game again, but damn it was fun when I was 11.

This particular game comes to us from a series of games that have been great since the first time they ever touched your TV. From the first time you ever played one of these games, you knew they were just fucking rad. How do you pick one of them to be the best and come in at the prestigeous place of number seven? I did eeneemeeneemiiineemo. It worked out great.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Again, its hard to pick the best Zelda game of the bunch, and considering I myself have only beat two hole Zelda games ever, this one wasn’t one of them. But this took us to a whole new form of Zelda. Riding a horse, moving around across a huge vast world, ahh, this was a modern era in video gaming. It also went away from that weird overhead look like Link to the Past had. It was a pretty fucking sweet storyline too, travelling in time. Adding SciFi into fantasy is always a way to get the nerds excited. Here’s the downside to Zelda. It always ends the same. You beat Gannondorf, you save the Princess, and what do you get? DICK! No kiss from the chick, no loving. No nookie. FUCKIN NOTHING! Thats bullshit. If I were Link and I didn’t even get to see Zelda’s boobs out of the deal, I think I’d take that big badass sword and stick her with it. Bitch. She’s kinda snotty too. Link Link! Help me so you can get no nookie or money or prestige! SAVE THE DAY, SAVE THE WORLD ALL FOR.. nothing. I’m sitting there in my house in the village and I get this message. Umm hey, fuck off I think i’m gonna have a beer, slap my horse, and then go find the village whore to have a good night with. i don’t need to risk my life for nothing, bitch! Maybe thats just me?

Ok, I’m tired of talking about Nintendo games, lets branch out. As we all know, Bill Gates is trying to take over the entire universe and you are not safe with your video games either. Enter, Xbox. Xbox 360. Bill Gates OWNS YOUR SOUL! And this game is the best one fo the bunch. And because of what it is, you’ll also see that it is the best racing game in the history of the world. Duh, its Need for Speed. Its also Most Wanted. Funniest thing I just said with all that crap.. The picture I have is from playstation 2. Since I only played it on Xbox though.. screw the PS2 version. However, that being said- This was the only picture I could find of the cover. Deal. This game is STILL fucking awesome. You get to drive all these sick ass cars and fly across town. Then when you do too much, you get chased by the cops. But fuck them chasing you, fucking ram them!! That presents a problem for some cars, but others demolish the fuck outta cops. Theres this hot chick named Mia who is guiding you through this game, but just like a typical woman, she betrays you in the end. Here’s the real pisser of the game.. the whole point of this game is to win back your BMW. K- win back that BMW. In the process you start off driving fuckin Chevy Cobalt. Yup easy to understand.. who woudl take that over a beemer. But throughout the game you end up with much better cars than a fucking bmw. Theres Porsche’s, and Lambo’s. There’s no Ferrari’s, but theres an Astin Martain. (which sucked.) If I’m cruising around in a Lambo, I could fuckin care less about a BMW, but maybe that’s just me? And regardless of what Rai says… The best car in the game was totally my Lotus Elise in dark green. (Sorry rai, I had to) He hated that car.. dunno why? Anywho, so yes, this game rules. You get to race, you get to run from the cops, you cruise through town at 200+ MPH and you take short cuts through the golf course. For lesser people, this is a great fantasy.. for me, I call it Wednesday. Seriously.

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!! or how about.. FIVE GOLDEN EYES! That’s right, we’re back at Nintendo. What can you say? They’ve been making games longer than Moses was alive. In fact, did you know Moses was addicted to Duck Hunt? Seriously, how do you think the Egyptian’s couldn’t beat him? Cheat codes. So anyways, Bond. Golden Eye. It was fucking fantastic. The summer after I graduated high school I think i murdered 98% of my brain cells on this game. I’m still reeling from the effects of said summer, but wow what a ride! So the game itself was ground breaking. I learned something when I was preparing this blog.. its a very good thing I make my pictures so small because quite honestly, looking back at it, I remember it being WAY cooler than it looks now. But whatever the fuck, who cares, thsi game still kicked ass. Battle mode was totally rad, running around with machine guns in paint ball mode killing the fuck out of each other? What could be better? NOTHING BITCH! If theres one thing I love in life, its cookies. If there’s another thing I love a shit load its shooting my friends in the face with guns. I guess this is why people really don’t like me much. Hum. What a pisser. Moving on. It was cool. I spent so much shooting and exploding my mates that we got creative and started to kill each other execution style. Which is kinda chickenshit but whatever. I blame the Russian’s.

We’re gonna move away from consoles with this one. Are you surprised? You should be, because despite my unruly raping of Apple computers before, this game, I’m pretty sure you could actually get on an iComp0otR. Ha-ha! You Apple fans are feeling redeemed! This game is on Apples because its made by Blizzard Entertainment, its on ishit. It is DIABLO. Not Diablo 2. That game was just like Diablo 1, and it took them way too long to make it and that puts them in the bottom feeders of games. Diablo 1 however was fucking epic. It was a fellow who descended into hell to face Diablo in epic combat!! There were skeletons, there were demons, there was BLOOD AND THERE WAS MOTHERFUCKIN GORE! What is better than shooting your friends in the face with an RCP120? Chopping them apart with a big ass sword. That works perfect for this game if your friends are demons from hell. Like me. All my friends are from hell. This is why I hack apart everyone I can find. Also because they are invading my privacy in my cave and I don’t like that. I told you before, I do not tollerate invaders. So anyways, you get fuckin rad armour, a big ass sword, or axe or something, and you destroy the evil in the world. And in Hell. Awesome. This game was released sometime around my 14th birthday and I played it solid for a few years. I can remember the emmersion into this game as I would turn off the lights, turn up the volume and listen to the evil sounds around me as I destroyed them all. Fantastical.

We’ve reached the famed TOP 3! Its an honor to make any top ten list I’ve put out, even if its one insulting you. Why? Because I thought about you enough to write about you. And you, the readers, read it, and therefore honor them in return. But who gives a shit about the rest of them. Today we’re here for video games goddamn it. And now we go to the importants. I’m proud to say that these games are all each from a different system too! Ohh the anticipation is killing me, so lets get on with it already, self!

Square Enix makes this game. Its awesome. Like Zelda, there' have been a trazillionoid of them out there, but this one was clearly the best one ever. There’s no denying its ultimate badassness, and kudo’s go to the people of Sony for capitalizing that shit on their Playstation system. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll say it anyways.. Final Fantasy 7.

This game is an RPG, therefore it ranks as the best RPG ever made. Period. This game was awesome for many reasons. First off, at the time, the graphics were stunning. I remember how excellent they were in my head. Then I googled. As it turns out, man those graphics look like shit to todays standards, but who cares? My memory remembers the awesomeness they were. Another thing, it was like what, 3 disks long on your PS1? Man that was a long game. So we have graphics, and the game play was fun too. But then there was the real kicker, this game had the greatest most fucked up story line I think I’ve ever seen in a game, movie, or story book. Granted I’ve not been reading for all that long, but I’m working on it. The story was definitely more interesting and twisted with more shocks than stupid Twilight. You have the main character who, admittantly has a gay name. Cloud. Cloud is a hired mercenary to blow a building. he does it, but then he joins the cause! You find out he was ins SOLDIER which is why he is such a badass. Ahh then he meets a girl from his past. Love is blossoming? Only for her. Poor Tifa wants Cloud bad, but he just doesnt see it because like most guys hes a retard. Then he meets the love of his life, oh and she is hot. But then he finds out shes some kind of mystical person, and Elder! WOW! This is hot love. THEN you find out that he was never really in SOLDIER, and he’s not even real. He’s a clone. How awesome. A clone of his old mentor, Sephiroth. Sephiroth is a total badass who, at the end of 20+ hours of playing, and finally reaching the end of disk one, KILLS YOUR CHICK! Just as you find her. Cock sucker. This makes him super evil. Insuing twists and turns take place over the next two disks and then you finally reach the epic last battle. If you’re me, you tried for weeks to beat Sephiroth, and when you got close he’d pull some meteor move out on you and kill you and your whole party, and unfortunately, you never beat the game. But you had a buddy who could, so he beat it for you so you could see the end. Thats right, its like cheat codes, and its unfulfilling and a total let down. If I were japanese I could have done it. But I’m not, mores the pitty. This game was so wonderful though that everyone wanted a sequal.. When FF8 came out and it wasn’t any of the characters we wanted, it sucked ass. So they fixed it later on though, they made a movie, FF7: Advent Children. I love that movie too. It was totally cool, go buy it now. In fact, I think I’m going to buy it on bluray, because that’d just make my heart pitter patter even harder.

We’re going back to the most feature gaming system on this top ten list, and that of course is Nintendo. How can you ever deny Nintendo as the king of all gaming systems. With exception of maybe the GameCube. I mean, it was an ok system but really, could have been so good, just wasn’t that great. Anyways, thats besides the point, because lets face the truth, I can talk as much shit as I want about the cube, but i used mine till it broke. Then i waited, and got a wii. So whatever.. But this game is obviously the greatest of its long long franchise. Through out this list i know you’ve been thinking, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARIO!? Well he’s right here folks, at number two. Super Mario Brothers 3.

How did I reach this decision? Easy, this game I played so much I actually melted my left eye doing it. Of all the Mario’s this one was the first to impliment that awesome map system that’s been used ever since. It also had Luigi. If theres one thing thats gone wrong with mario in recent years, its the loss of Luigi in the Mario franchise games. Then there were Bowser’s kids fucking up the game, giving more story line to these plumber based games. Also there was that awesome racoon’s tail that made you fly! FLYING RULES! Now lets compare. Mario 1, the orignal. Awesome. Epic, grand!!! So amazing, and how do you top the original? Well it wasn’t with Mario 2. That game was weird, it didn’t make sense, it didn’t have any of the typical bad guys, but it did have mouser. That big ass mouse who worse sunglasses. I know you remember.

Mario 3 took us back to a familiar land, baddies, and adventure. Fuck Dream World! Its time to smash some turtles and goombas. Fuck that Koopa bastard, always kidnapping your chick! You know, Princess Toadstool is a problematic bitch. She’s always being kidnapped by Bowser, and this shits been going on for 23 years now. You’d think by now she’d have better security, or maybe Mario would be tired of having to save her all the fucking time and would just GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND. But, in his defense, if I was dating royalty, I’d not ditch the bitch either. No matter how many times you have to save her stupid ass.

But there was Mario World, sure that had cooler graphics and yoshi, but it was later. There was Mario 64 which gave us a 3d orgasmic enviroment, but no, NOTHING could ever top Mario 3. It was the basis for the games to come, it was the king of its time. And it was on an 8 bit system and looked superb. Also, since I know you had the original NES, you know that most games didnt work. you blew on the cartridges, you had a typical pattern of slapping the NES its self that made it work better. You had a green crayon or your sisters barbie head that you stuffed on top of the game to make it work consistantly. But the truth is, Mario 3 always worked, it NEVER failed. That made it the king! Long live the king of a system, a franchise, and a generation!

We’ve reached it. Drum roll please…

The greatest video game of all time. Its a pretty big feat. What makes a game so great that it gets the title of The Best Video Game of All Time in the History of the World. x 2. Well, lets announce it first and then we’ll explore WHY!

Starcraft. Thats right, no matter how much I ripped on Apple computers, this game was also made by Blizzard and therefore was on the ikickyoasscr1ck3ecomputer! totally pwnd. But whatever the fuck, I knew it was coming, I swear. I did it on purpose.. yeah. Dramatic emphasis. Take that, SURPIRSE! This game IS the greatest game of all time. Lets talk about why. First off, this a RTS game. You start off with 4 idiots who can’t kill a meerkat, and they mine shit and from there you build a badass army which will likely be destroy ten times in your quest for total domination of the map!! This game was like Starship Troopers the game. Killing bugs. Theres hardly anything thats more satisfying.. Unless you were totally insane and liked BEING the bugs and killing people!! Buwahaha! And you could play it online. I found after a while I was fairly good at this game, and would play it online. Well, people stopped like playing against me becasue I would destroy them. So like the heathen devil pagan I am, I changed my name online to Hitler. This was always inspiring for some poor sap to try and take me on. Here’s how great the game is.. It was made in like 97… The last time I played it was like.. January of this year. Admittedly I’ve been on video game hiatus since.. January.. ish. So, thats why writing this now is pure poetry. So, this is a game thats 13 years old and its STILL fun to play! Beat that! A great game is one that can defy time. And only the best game of all time in the history of the world can defy that much time! This is a game where you can still gather your friends and build an army to destroy their puny skills against you, thus making you the greatest nerd of al time!!! Who cares if someone calls you a nerd though, because if you have any experience with these games, you already know that if someone insults you by calling you a nerd or whatever, from Diablo you learned how to flay apart your enemies mercilessly. If you played Goldeneye, you’ll know exactly how to shoot them in the face and not miss! And if many people call you a nerd, you know how to strategicly defeat them in an epic battle of conquest thanks to the greatest game of all time.

So there you have it. There are some honorable mentions that i should put in to end it. As I’ve said before, until you sit, think, and write a top ten list, you never really realize just how few numbers there are in 1 through 10. Ahh well.

Honorable Mention

• Space Invaders – Atari
• Tetris – Nintendo
• Excitebike – Nintendo
• Doom – PC
• Pac Man (cmon, man)
• Destroy All Humans – Lots of Systems
• Conker’s Bad Furr Day – N64
• Mario Kart(s)

That’s a pretty intense list. Question’s? Comments? Send them to me, maybe I can do a sweet assYup, I made that graphic and have never used it so I figured it was time. Thank you.