Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.

Reality TV.

Today I reach out to you once again from my cave dwelling existance to talk to you about another amazing thing thats happened to the world. Reality Television. I wonder as I prepare to write this antidote for humanity.. how long will the blog actually be? Will it end up being multiple blogs because I've too much to ramble.. write about? Truthfully, I swear this to you: I have no fucking idea.

UPDATE:

An update on the Twilight blog. I forgot to add this, and as per suggestion, here it is.

Need I say more?

Reality TV is so awesome, and at the same time its fucked in the head. Whoever thought this thing up is a maniacle, diabolical genius. This means Dr. Evil. But I don't want to use up to much of the material in my head just yet, so lets dig deep and discuss.

It was a warm sunny summer day in 1981 when my eyes first came to focus on a glorious invention of man kind. The television. It was love at first sight. I knew we'd have a long standing love affair at that point. I looked at that glass tube, and I saw it staring back at me. Marvin Gaye's music chimed in, the skies opened up, clouds parted. Sun shined down from the heaven's, a chorus of angels could be heard.. and so my love affair began. It started early with Sesame Street, followed by Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood (which gave me nightmares, but we'll not talk about that) From there television grew, and I grew with her, all the while never knowing that one day, something magical would happen.. and that day came, the magic, was reality TV- and I was there to witness it. In all its ingloriousness and idiocy. Am I qualified? Poeticly so. Let's begin.

It's Real.

The amazingly wonderful thing about reality tv is that you know these people are not paid actors. What makes it better, is generally speaking, they find idiots. How did our mystery creater think up sopmething so brilliant as survivor? I can't be sure, but it probably happened like this:

Dr. Evil: I have idea.

CBS: What?

DE: Lets take some idiots, put them in front of a camera, and see what happens?

CBS: That does not sound appealing.

DE: We'll give them monies.

CBS: Now you're talking.

So, take survivor. It's wonderfully entertaining to a point, but in all honesty its glory days are long since passed. You take people and make them compete against each other for tons of cash money which the government will take half of anyways, and you see just how fucked people can get. Chuck and Tina make an alliance. Chuckle is all, "Hey Tina, we'll go the distance together!" Then Chuck tells Bob, dood we sabbotage Tina NOW! Next thing you know, Tina's off the motherfuckin island and Chuck's like "holy fuck how did this happen?" Meanwhile, back at home in makebelieve Ohio, Chuck's wife is watching it going, WTF?! Who is this sonovabitch I am married to? I will so divorce now.. after I see if he wins... Survivor is the perfect example of bringing out the worst in people for money. Back stabbing bastards, lying all for that golden ticket. The odd thing is they do not always choose beautiful people to be on this show, which makes it suck. All the wihle you watch this show while eating your icecream and you think, man, these fools are desperate, I'll take my $9.50/hr job over that hell any day. And you know what? It's probably the better idea. No one wants to see sweat.

Fear is not a Factor

Bullshit. I watched this show, and this show is fucked in the face in so many ways its not even funny. Actually it was pretty funny. You know what the greatest thing about reality tv is? The fact that these morons are desperate to win! Its like a game show for people who would sacrifice their bodies to satan for a chance at glory. There is not glory in these game shows. If you were smart you'd go on jeopardy. If you were lucky you'd try wheel of fortune. If your family didn't hate you, you'd try the family feud! Alas, you're not lucky, smart, or well liked, and therefore, its time to be tossed to the wolves.
First, they make you do a stupid ass stunt. Then you have to do something else relatively stupid that no person with a brain in their noggin would ever do. Then you have to eat something horrible like a goat dick. Or Vietnamese wolverine testicles. Meanwhile, Joe Rogan is yelling at you not to give up, that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! Here's the brilliance of this show, they pick good looking people. So heres this 110 lbs hot chick in a bikini stuffing her face full of some african delicacy made of giraffe dung and beetles. She looks like she's gonna puke, but she doesn't. The hard reality of this show is, she'd be more apt to throw up. When she wins, she'll go out to a bar with a face stuffed full of altoids. I can picture this happening.. me running into said hot chick at a bar.

You're a beautiful woman, may I buy you a drink?

Oh that'd be wonderful, cr1ck3e!

Ahh here we go.. you know.. Have we met before?

No, I don't think so.. *Sweet smiles*

Really? You're so formiliar.. (EAT THAT GOAT DICK! YOU CAN DO IT! STUFF YOUR FACE WITH BEETLE DUNG AND ANTS! GOGOGO! DON'T STOP NOW YOU'RE ALMOST THERE! DONT THROW UP!!!!)

Oh no, I'm sure we've not met before...*more sweet smiles*

You know.. I have to go. Enjoy the drink.

This is exactly what happens to all the girls who have been in the commercials for herpes medicine. "I have genital herpes.."

Similar scenario:

You're so formiliar..

Well I'm an actor.. I've done a couple commercials here and there, but nothing big. *innocent smiles*

Ahh, maybe thats it.. (I have genital herpes.. herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..HERPES..)

Is something wrong, cr1ck3e?

Hmm? No, I just can believe I'd meet an actor herpesHERE, here.. I er.. you know what? Enjoy the drink, I have to go.. and wash myself.. with acid.

But its not just about winning money, fame, glory, a new wife.. A new wife. Enter Brett Michaels, one of the worlds biggest douche bags of all time. This guy is such a fuckin joke that there are no words that will make you laught harder than his mullet. First off, Poison sucks. That band always did suck and will always suck from now until the time when the apocolypse happens. Maybe you're thinking, Hey they were good. WRONG! They were not good. At all. Ever. And now Brett Michaels is simply broke and horny. He's a poor, horny old man who can't trick 12 yr old boys into his basement anymore. He can't tour very well because his walker looks funny on stage, and when he plays his monthly show at the retirement home, he has to accept that women his age are now throwing their depends at him, not thongs. This show though.. It's hilarious as well. First you take this cocksucker who is pushing like 82 now, but thanks to money and a bad song or 2913847 is now rich enough to make himself look young through plastic surgery. Enter: The girls. They are all smokin, and like what? 20? OMG! I've loved you for so long Brett! I remember when your first big hit came out! I was like, oh..well it was 4 years before I was born! Inevitably this horny old fuck who can't get groupies anymore will bust out his guitar at some point in the season and he WILL play every rose has its thorne. As I watch this, I think to myself, who is more stupid? Brett or these retards with tits? Because lets face it, he has no career anymore, and if he falls in love off a television show, well then there will be no Rock of Love season 4,5,6..etc, and then he will once again be broke. Leave it to VH1 to employ has beens/ never should've beens. The reality of this show is, the world would be a better place if Brett Michaels would slip on some ice, and miraculously, have his head chopped off some way in the fall. This seems a bit harsh. Brettyboy, the truth hurts. Did you guys know, he wears that bandana because he's bald under it? Seriously.

Equally I should say that every bachelor show is a joke. Who would really find true love on tv? Well, I think I could actually.. Think about it, if you're a rich bastard, what better way to find undying love than letting the world know you're rich and you are looking for a gold digging whore. Remember boys, whores are people too. They're also very fun, BUT you do NOT introduce them to your mom. These are life lessons we all must learn. But if she's a classy whore, and its on tv, thats not gold digging, thats true love, bitches!

Truth be told, I myself am more the "Joe Millionaire" type. Not really a millionaire.. or even slightly rich fellow. Just your average over opinionated writer with too much time on his hands. But, if she really did love me, we'd both be rich. See ladies, sometimes theres a pay off if you trust in lying bastards. But only when the network gets involved! I have a network. Of spies. No, actually its a nice network of people who tell me I'm ok, when we all know i'm really not. All of the people in this network are invisible, but they talk to me. They talk to me, I swear it. Only me.. only me..

Now, we're thinking, wait a second, these reality shows are fucking horrible! They bring out the absolute worst in people! You're absolutely right, AND that's the brilliance and beauty. People making themselves out to be fools is entertaining! But lest we not forget there are some that are like a self help group for the underprivelaged. Take the biggest loser. The title alone is an oxy moron. This show is fantastic, and upbeat and has a great message, but despite all of that I'm going to twist it right now and poke a bit of fun, even though this will clearly secure my place in hell for eternity. So, lets pretend you have no idea what the biggest loser is so I may insult. Here we go.. Oh, you've never heard of it? Oh its great! They take these 400 lbs land monsters, and put them on tv, and then they embarress them in front of the world! They wear SPANDEX! It's terrible, but look, stop laughing.. It has a good message, see? They have personal trainers who are kicking their huge fat asses over and over to get into shape, and the people leave the show mother fuckin SKINNY! Yah, well except for the guy who gets kicked off first who leaves flying a middle finger which looks like polish sausage, all the way to 7/11 where he can buy 10 truckloads full of twinkies! But for the winner, it looks something like this:

Seriously, that was season-something winner. Can't remember the name of the contender but, hey, if they can do that with hard work, maybe I'll get my ass outta this chair after I finish this can of Cheezballz and call the makers of the biggest loser. Unfortunately I shop at Costco, and I have a 50 gallon can of Cheezballz, so it'll be a while. But its worth the wait because as the image says. These fucking rule.
















Know whats so fucked up I don't have to say a fucking thing about it? Toddlers and Tiaras.
That show makes me want to vomit. I actually thought about putting up a picture at this point to illustrate my disgust with it, but after googling some pictures I realized its so disgusting not even *I* can cross that line. There are some things which should be outlawed. This show is one. Take a young child and make them look like an adult is only asking for trouble. I hate the people who make this show, and they have a special place in Hell waiting for them. The mothers of these poor children.. I hope they get into a terrible car accident requiring lots of usage of the jaws of life. I don't even think this could help them though. They too will have a special place in the fiery pit of doom with Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.




Moving on.





You know who we really have to thank for all the recoculousness that is reality tv? MTV. Fuck you MTV. Back in the day, mtv was cool. Music Television that actually played music, it was such a cool fuckin idea that everyone wanted to copy them, enter vh1, who sucked. Then Mtv changed the world once again by keeping the music televsion name and stopping the playing of music videos. the hell? But in its place, we got something totally fuckin awesome that changed life forever.




The Real World




This show took a bunch of retards and put them all in an apartment together to see just how long it would take before they would do something that would inspire great tv.

1. Fuck
2. Fight

This is what people really wanted to see. Fighting, which would lead to some fucking, which would ultimately lead to more fighting! Brilliant! MtV you diabolical bitches! This was the best thing you ever planned out, with the exception to JT pulling Janet's tit out. Brilliant I tell you! You know, I've never been too interested in many shows to be on myself, mainly because:

• I'm a dick
• I have no interest in most shows
• I'm not smart enough for Jeopardy
• I'm not lucky enough for Wheel of Fortune
• My family hates me, so no Fued
• I suck at shopping, no Price is Right
• I hate backstabbing assholes trying to steal money rightfully mine. No Survivor.
• I am not crazy enough to eat a goat pecker, no Fear Factor.
• I am not rich looking for a wife/gold digging whore to call a wife, No Bachelor.

So you see, the following points of interest show that I in fact would be perfect for this nonsensical show known as the real world. First off, everyone gets in the house HI! OMG HI! Hahaha We're roommates LETS BOOZE IT UP! This is the part I can hang with. Then its like, ok now that we're drunk, I can tell you you have nice tits and I won't have to feel bad about it because I'm drunk, OMG! Hahaha! Lets get in the hot tub! Ommnommnomnomnomnom!!!

This leads to sex. Then gossip. Omg did you see Janice, she's such a whore, she and cr1ck3e totally DID IT! I know, what a tramp!! (then in the single interviews) I was really surprised she'd just do him that fast, but she was drunk, so I think I still have a chance with cr1ck3e. He's just so studly. Meanwhile, heres my interview:

The people in this house are retarded. I can't believe I signed up for this.

Flash forward 2 days: Everyone's having a pow-wow over poor janice boning indescriminately. Here enters the room our hero, cr1ck3e with a can of cheezballz. Hey. Hi cr1ck3e. Whats going on here? *munchmunch* We're having an important discussion. What about? Janice's sex addiction. *munchmunchmunchmunch* Will you join us? *sniff* Please? Nah. Why not? Because you all are fucking stupid. *****Exit cr1ck3e******

Later in the interviews: The guys are like, man, I wish I had balls like that. The girls are like, he's such a jerk, but I think he's been really hurt in his past, and I want to break that tough exterior shell and meet the real man inside. mine: man the people here are dumbshits. But the cheezballz are free, and thats fuckin rad. Also, there are some good looking girls so, the scenery is nice.

I figure 2 days max, I'm kicked out the house. That'd please me, but I'd go down in history, and then maybe after that, vh1 will give me my own show, jerk of love? Awesome.

Finally, before I leave you with all this worthless drabble, I'd like to illustrate just one more point as to why reality tv is sinfully delightful and fucking horrible at the same fucking time!


Temptation Island

Do you remember this show? It didn't last very long because it was fucked from the get go. It was this wonderful show that took loving couples and put them on an island. Of course, there was money involved. Sally would go to one side of the island while Bob went to the other. It was the ultimate test of their love, of whether their love was "strong enough" to survive the temptation this island would give. Lets get one thing clear. This island is not like the badass island that doesnt seem to even really exist from Lost. If I were on that damn island in Lost, I'd never leave, I'd build a house, I'd sunbathe, I'd surf, and I'd have a mainly fruit and fish diet without cheezballz which, I admit, would be tragic, but I could adjust. No, Temptation Island was just that. They put poor Bobbyboo around hot chicks who rub on him, flirt with him and mash their chesticals against him, grinding like whores who really are just waiting to get the call to go on The Bachelor. And then the worst happens. Its video taped. But, more so, its cleverly edited!!! OH YES! Because what you see happens is, Bobby knows he'll never get anyone to top Sally, so embarressingly he lets them rub on him and grab his wingwang and THEN He's all "Nno, I'm in love, please stop!" Mean while, the same is going on with Sally, but she's a female, and thus a stone cold bitch and rejects all the big ape men hitting on her. Impressive. They are going to win the measly $3.50 - but hey theres money involved and that makes all the difference. Just when things are going great, you go to commercial and get yourself another beer and you think, wow, these two really love each other. Then they get back from commercial and the cleverly edited video is being shown to Sally, and all she see's is poor Bobby with hot bitches on him. So what does Sally do? She then gets dicked down by every guy on that side of the island! Oh He thinks he can do this to *ME!* NO! HE WILL NOT! THAT BASTARD! I WILL SHOW HIM!!!! Meanwhile, only rumors get to Bobby and he says, Nah, you're just trying to trick me. Then they come back together at the end of the episode and they show the cleverly edited footage to Sally again, only this time, the editing is gone and she sees that Dumb Bitch Bobby was completely innocent and was true the whole time. Now they show her footage. Basically its softcore porn like you'd see at a frat party. Doods with popped collars going bare chested, Chad's we'll call them. 10 Chads. 1 Sally. Its not pretty. Bobby is heart broken. No one wins $3.50

Thats fucked. I would never go on that show. Why? First off I have no one to go with me. Secondly, they don't like dicks on shows like that. They want a guy who isn't going to scowl at the hot girl rubbing her areola's in your eyeballs. I myself, when $3.50 is at state, am an oak. Also, this show only went like 2 seasons. Why? Because Bobby went fucking nuts and killed all the cast members, directors and producers with a shotgun, then he probably hunted down Sally, shaved her head so she looked fucked up like Brittney and then took a flying leap off a building with her tied up watching and therefore she's fucked and in a mental institute, but the moral of the story is, they lost their camera opporator. Those people are not easily replaced. That said, this show was wildly entertaining. Fucked.. but entertaining.

So you see the problem with reality television lies in the reality of each show. They're delightful because they make you realize the things you'll never do for a cheap buck, and some things that you WOULD do for it. Which may make you hate yourself, but you say screw it, no ones perfect. So whats the solution? Well regrettably you can't really get away from reality TV. There is no escape from the black hole of evening programming which was created by the monsters at mtv. So do you accept it? Or do you turn off your television.. Thats a hard choice. Maybe you could go for a walk instead? No way, fuck that. Sit your over sized ass on that couch for another 12 hours of this shit, get a ginormous can of cheezballz and munch away motherfuckers, because if you eat enough, then you too can be on tv and lose weight at the same time! AND win money at it! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shows to catch up on. Ciao!

Thank you.