Battle of the Sexes

In my last blog everyone who read it pretty much gave me the same kind of feedback. I wasn’t too thrilled with it.. but because I believe that here the truth shall reign fuckin supreme.. I will share the feedback with you. It was like this:

• it was ok
• not your best
• I liked it alright
• A bit tame
• too tame
• not what your fans come to expect from you

That shit hurts. You know, I try to give you a nice biblical lesson and you just fucking shit on my chest without even asking permission.

I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m.. back. Fuck you, bitches. You think you can bring down this mother fuckin critic? I think not, twats! And so with this instilment of the critic, I will do my goddamned best to insult each and every last fucking one of you. Starting with..

ALL OF YOU

This weeks bible lesson comes from a new bible which if you don’t have, run out to amazon and buy it as soon as someone agrees to publish it. Since we’re dealing with anger issues today, we’re gonna relate this one to each and every one of you out there. Page 228 reads:

Your good looks won’t save you during the Zombie Apocalypse. Neither will your GQ style, nor how well you know how to use your vagina for manipulation.

That’s a fuckin fact. Moving on.

My credentials for the battle of the sexes? Well I’m the critic, this is my world and here we have a prime example of where my opinion is the only one that matters! Why you ask? Because I said so, bitch. Like it. Like every minute of it.

It would be out of character and probably shock all of you if I ended it like that, so I won’t. Because I’m cooler than that, you know it, damn it. I’m a man, I’ve an open mind and I’m very intuitive. Also, since I’m the Harbinger of Truth, this qualifies me greatly. Still don’t believe me? Well read on creepers. This rocket ship of doom has launched.

The battle of the sexes is simple. I’m going to make it so easy.. even a woman can understand it. We’re going to compare the advantages and disadvantages of the sexes and at the end we’re going to do do a brief tally and see who the winner is. Simple? Ok. Should we get started? Lets!

Camping is one of those activities which men typically accelerate at. We can get lost naturally, but normally find our way out. The reason? We can read a map. Women.. well you can’t. On TV women are always the ones who are like “Stop and ask for directions..” which was probably the right thing to do.. in the 1950’s. Modern times and the advent of GPS and TOMTOM means that no one really needs to read a map anymore. And no one needs to ask for directions. Therefore, the point to men for being able to read a map is null and void by the woman’s point for having the logic of asking for directions, and they are both cancelled out by the fact that no one has to do either anymore because GPS changed the world completely.

That said, sticking with the great out doors and what not: Pissing in the fucking wilderness is great. Just like the beasts, we get to go out into the wild and mark our territory. If you’re a man, that means you can piss on every rock, stick, branch, leaf, and patch of grass you want. If you’re a woman that means you get to piss on.. well, your leg.

The inability to piss whilst standing, is a major deterrent to being a female. You don’t have to try to deny it, bitches, we guys know its true. You pretend you like camping, but the simple matter is, every time you go, and you piss yourself, because inevitably you will because you CANNOT piss standing up, by default, you know that though man is a primal beast marking his territory, you on the other hand are nothing but an imbecilic creature who cannot even keep from defecating on yourself. Since soiling your own clothes is quite disgusting.. that’s a major loss of points for you.  Advantage: Men

Driving. That’s a topic that we’ve covered at length before here on the critic. And what the conclusion was, is that despite the fact that most guys are dick whole cunt rag drivers, they are still far better drivers than women. Not only do women insist on driving whilst putting on make up, eating, texting, talking on the phone, curling their hair, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a cup of coffee, but they insist on doing it daily. Now I know what you bitches are saying, that’s not fair critic, you have used this material before. You’re right, I have.. and its unfair. So let me slam the door on your ideals here really quick with one easy questions:

Why is it that women cannot parallel park?

Fucking shit man, its not that hard. You can see guys who have the smallest dicks in the world and consequently drive these massive penile implant pick up trucks… that are bigger than your average trailer in a park in Texas. Or, as they call it in Texas: The good side of the tracks. But a woman in a fucking fiat, or a Mini Cooper cannot manage to park that thing on a street between two cars if she had the room of 5 fucking football fields. I’m sorry bitches, but your inability to drive may be null because of the fact that I’ve covered that material before, but the fact that what you do behind a steering wheel is not only dangerous but mentally retarded cannot be overlooked. Advantage: Men.

It is at this point that you women out there are thinking jesus tap dancing christ, the critic has nothing nice to say about us! Well here, I’ll give you something.

Tits.

They’re fucking amazing and no matter how big a guy can grow moobs.. its just not the fucking same. We love tits so much that we’d all punch each other into oblivion for a nice set of them. And as we all know, there is no nicer set of tits on this earth than those which are connected to the epidermis of Pamela Anderson.

It’s a pretty unfair advantage, women, that you have Pam on your side. Guys would kill to have a mascot like that. Sure we have guys like Brad Pitt, but really.. get fucking real. Somewhere out there there is a woman who says, “Brad.. he’s not attractive. At all.” Where as every time in the history of the world a man has uttered the phrase, “Pamela Anderson isn’t hot.” The earth actually opened up and swallowed that cocksucker whole. It’s a fucking fact that the earth will not allow any man on this planet to think Pamela Anderson isn’t hot. Therefore, once again I say, pretty unfair advantage, skanks.

Advantage: Women.

Now that you have that feather in your cap..

Let’s take a quick break. Is everyone feeling ok? Maybe the critic hasn’t been too mean yet? Or do you need a fuckin lollypop. Fuck you, I want a lollypop. Also, I’m going to look at more pictures of good old Pammy. Be right back.

….

So I’m back, did you miss me? I know you fuckin did. You’re dying to see how this blog is gonna wrap up. I know you well.. Well lets wrap it up nice and tight like, and make sure that we get no trophies outta this slut.

That time of the month. I had a boss once, his name was Ed. He was the dirtiest sonovabitch I’ve ever met, and he looked like Tim Curry. Anyways, he always said: “Never trust something that can bleed for a week and not die.” Sorry ladies, but he has a valid fucking point here. You may say it’s a natural thing and all women do it, which doesn’t help your cause. We men cannot fathom bleeding for a week. We’d be dead. It’s a fact. Now, you may be thinking this should give you the advantage on this one… WRONG! It does not. No, fuck that nonsensical bullshit. That’s like being a zombie. And what do we do with zombies? That’s right.. we fucking kill them. Advantage: Men.

Vacation.. Secrets.

Its no shock to think that whilst vacationing alone, you can always end up with a need to.. pleasure yourself. Now, I know what you’re thinking, man or woman you’re saying: Fuck that, I’d go find someone to straight up fuck.

No you wouldn’t you lying pieces of shit. Its not like its as easy as just going to the bar and saying SOMEONE WANNA FUCK!? Unless of course, you’re a female. And a slut. So lets change this to we’re vacationing alone.. in Africa. That’s right. The birthplace and hometown of AIDS. You’re not gonna go fuck someone. There. So anyways..

You need to give yourself a little pleasure. Its been a long trip perhaps. Well, for a guy, that’s easy, all we need is our trusty hand. Fuck yah, not only can it pen out a dissertation on world peace, it can also bring inner peace.

Women, on the other hand.. well in order to truly get the full sensation you require.. you have to bring.. a toy. Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.. unless you think about going through customs and some TSA asshole having his grubby mits on your favorite vibemaster 10 billion? OR WORSE! What if after rifling through your luggage with disregard, they end up leaving that vacation boyfriend near the top and by accident, whilst in a hotel lobby.. it happens to fall out. Oh lord, how would THAT make you feel? So really, the ability for self pleasurization .. cmon, you know where this is going.. Advantage: Men.

Vagina.

The sexual reproductive organ of females.. an the most sought after thing by any and every male on the earth. You might be saying, oh no, not gay men! That’s true, they turned to loving the cock.. because their efforts to get the vag left them distraught after repeated failures. The simple and absolute truth about the vagina is, it does not matter whom it belongs to, it is the worlds finest currency. It is more powerful than a nuclear warhead and stronger than the hulk.

Through their vaginas, women wield a power so great that no man can resist its temptation. It can turn the brain of any man to goo, and make us do things that normally we’d never do. It renders us as smart as cavemen.

The simple fact of the matter is, we men, are quite stupid. It’s a proven fact that boobs alone will sway the average man… for the rest of us there is the vagina to sway us. And women, knowing how to use their built in superpowers because they are the most evil of all creatures ever created on this earth, will show you not only their boobs, but their vagina at the same time, and then.. well lets face it boys… we’re putty in their evil fucking hands.

Advantage: Women.

So lets do a rough tally.. men can piss standing up, we can drive better AND park a car.. we don’t need toys to pleasure ourselves and we don’t unnaturally bleed for a week at a time without dying, thus giving us a solid score of 4.

Women have tits and va-jayjays. Thus giving them a score of 10,000,000,000.

Sorry fellas, we lost. Women will always win the battle of the sexes, because we will die for the tits, ass, pussy, long hair, pretty features, perfume, soft skin, and a gorgeous smile. It’s a simple fact of life. So live it up ladies.. and go boss your bitch man around for a bit to make yourselves feel better.

Bitches.

Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.

The Doctor is in

You know, i find there are many things in this world that  are fucked up, and being the stand up gentleman that I am, I let you all know exactly what they are, how to avoid them, and how to combat against them. One of those horribly fucked up things are: shrinks. Lets face it, you all have seen one, and they probably left you thinking, why did I give this person all my money? I’ll tell you whats worse, rich shrinks on tv. Guys like Dr Phil really piss me off. First off he is pretentious, secondly bald and fat. How is this good tv? Its not. I should have my own show. Dr. cr1ck3e. PHD! That would be entertaining as fuck.

Why the fuck should I have a tv show? I already told you! I’d be like puck on the real world, and I can see into the blackness of peoples hearts. From there, I would help them down the path of freedom, of happiness… and if I didn’t, we’d still have a good time at the same fucking time. And unlike Dr. Phil, I’d not force myself down their throats like a rapist on viagra. That’s right, Dr. Phil is a rapist on viagra.

Pretty sweet eh? Yah, I thought so too. So I figure with all this PHD shit, talking people through their fears, and what not, that kinda makes me like Dr. Phil. Only I’m not oversized bald and pretentious. Nor do I have a mustache. Sad fact is, I grow a really poor excuse for a mustache, that doesn’t make me less of a man, it makes me “pretty” – well, pretty for a cave dweller. The amazing thing about being a cave dweller is you don’t have to be that pretty to become the prettiest of all cave dwellers, which works out pretty darn well for me. Moving on.

Our first case of fear comes from a housewife named Jamie. She writes:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

I am freaked the f out by grown adults with small hands. Like that Burger King commercial with the guy who has extremely small hands and can't hold a double cheeseburger…

Well Jamie, this is easy to understand, but its complicated for those who don’t see your logic. So lets see what we can do to help you understand your fears, and perhaps over come them!

Small hands are freaky as fuck. First off, big people with small hands is more of a cosmic anomoly than dwarfs. The really spooky part is, it happens< just like dwarfs! Jamie, your fear is justified but more so from a primal fear of something far more intense than that of just “small hands” – can you place it? 

What do small hands make you think of exactly? You’re not sure, I understand, therefore let me enlighten you! It makes you think of carnival workers. They too have small hands, the entire lot of them. There is something unmistakenly wrong about carnival workers. First off, they’re scary to look at period. Most of them look like they haven’t had their annual shower in about 3 passings of the anniversary of their last shower, back in 1999. Now, thats not only gross to look at, but also terrible to smell.  Here’s something terrible to think about, that gravitron, or tilt-o-wirl, hasn’t been cleaned with more than a garden hose and a stoner to run it, since its creation.

More so, they travel with this said carnival. Thats right! Its their JOB! They are not seasonal workers, or locals down on their luck, oh no, they are gypsies. Lets face it, gypsies are probably not only the most feared of all races of people, but they are also one of the most dangerous. Let’s dive in and find the truth.

Gypsies travel in packs. Familys. I can think of someone who was proud of their family once. His name was Charles Manson. He had a “family” and they were all loving too. Look at what happened. Actually, Charles Manson roamed around a lot like a nomad.. so it is very likely that he too is a gypsy even though he’s rotting in the clink where he belongs. Gypsies are an unnatural thing. no one should ever speak to them either. Here’s the thing we guys must remember. Gypsy women are normally that eastern european, they can belly dance, they’re mysterious, and down right fuckin hot. That makes them dangerous. If you ever speak to a gypsy, you’d better check that your wallet is still in your pocket when you part ways, because chances are its not, she stole it. Thats right, they’re cleptos too. They’ll steal anything including your soul. They are like the human form of a wolf pack. Sure they’re pretty to look at, but you’d never get withing 20 ft of them if you had to. It’s sad really, but its so true. Never underestimate a gypsy either, that joe in “Thinner” did.. look at what happened to him. Once again, I realize that Steven King is responsible for so much evil in this world.

So to answer all of this clearly, Jamie, you are afraid of small hands, because deep within your id (like my use of real phd fruedian words there?) Deep within your id, you recognize that small hands are a sign of gypsies, and that nomadic bunch of maniacs are some of the most ruthless and dangerous people in the world. So your fear is healthy, you don’t need medicine, you need only keep a sharp eye for gypsies.

Our next letter comes from a young lad named Michael, who writes:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

After reading your publication on fear, I’ve discovered that all those fears I once had are cured. Only, there is one major point you didn’t cover that scares the fuck out of me, and thats transvestites. Please help me understand my fear.

Michael, your fear is one that is scary as hell, and I won’t dillydally. You’re scared for a number of reasons.

1. They are women with Adam’s apples.
2. They call you “sweetie” or “sugar” or “honey buns”
3. They have deeper voices than you.
4. They have bigger male genitals than you.
5. They can grow a better beard than you can.
6. They have both testicles and chesticles.
7. They can beat you up.
8. So can their lover.

 

The list could go on to infinity, but the point is, these are just a few reasons you should never speak to trannies. Tranny love is not cool, and friendships with them are forbidden in the Man’s Codebook. Some might say trannies are the best of both worlds. Those people should be hurled into a fire and then have the flames put out, relit, put out, and relit over and over again until they are dead. No chances for redemption. Sorry. The biggest thing that scares the hell out of you about trannies perhaps is you inability to spot them, for some disguise themselves quite efficiantly and so I say, the fact is, tranny fear is very real and justified. My advice to you is to steer clear of them at all costs. This means, be very careful of hookers. The dwelling on trannies is likely due to your obsession with Cher. As we all know, Cher is really a guy, and therefore, if you beeeeelieeevvvee in “her” there is a chance you also have a small attraction to transvestites. So, my further analysis is, stop your obsession with Cher, mate. 

This next letter broke my heart when I read it.  Dr. cr1ck3e does not like having what little heart he has being broke, so I’ve decided to return the favor.

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e, phd,

I am so alone, and I can’t meet women. How can I find the girl of my dreams?

Dear Anonymous, your situation is not too uncommon or unheard of. The reason you’re lonely and cannot meet women to fulfill your needs for companionship and sexual relationship with someone other than your ipad and your palm is simple. You need to leave your home. I know its hard. I know World of Warcraft is fun. But the truth is this, that chick you’ve been having make believe online sex with is really a guy. And that, that might make you gay. Its true, I’m sorry. The truth of the matter is, I too find a challenge in meeting a woman who doesn’t just want me for my awesome cave that I dwell in. But you live in your mom’s basement and thats not the same thing. Put down the mouse, put down the lotion. Take a shower, have a shave, and go find that landmonster who will change your life forever.

Our next question comes from one of my adoring fans who simply asks:

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

What is your favorite peanut butter? Chunky or smooth?

That one is easy. Smooth. As the entire world knows, chunky peanut butter is not really peanuts. Its small rocks. I value my teeth and therefore I only have smooth. Plus, if you can get passed having the broken teeth after chunky peanut butter is injested, you also have to realize that the chunks are a diversion to keep you from noticing its lack of superior taste, such as that of the smooth. But lets not stop there.

As anyone who has seen tv knows, choosey moms choose jif. Those moms are also bitches from the abyss who hate their children. Anyone who is anyone knows for a fact that the best peanut butter in the world is Peter Pan. Its flavor is so good, once you try it, it’ll make you want to stand up and slap yo momma for ever for feeding you that rhinoceros shit flavored Jif. One time, Peter Pan had a pandemic like scare with salminila. I thought of throwing away my peter pan, but then i went to the store and I saw only off brands and Jiff. I then contemplated life without Peter Pan, and I realized it would not take long for me to commit suicide eating jif. So I kept my poisoned Peter Pan and chanced it. I didn’t get sick because I have the stomach of a walrus, and if you’ve ever seen a walrus eat you know what I mean. if you havent, jeez man, watch animal planet every now and again, maybe you’ll learn something. And don’t even get me started on that shit skippy, I think I’d rather skippy myself off a cliff than be subjected to its raunchy taste.

Our final note comes from a young lady named Brigitte who says:

 

Dear Dr. cr1ck3e,

i have a MAJOR fear of zombies and i am deathly scared that zombies will find me and eat my brains .....

Ahh little Ms. this is a funny thing. many  people look at hollywood and the movies that scare the fuck out of us with zombies, and we think: How terrible these creatures are!! And lets say, fear of of zombies is a healthy fear to have. But would I say I am afraid of Zombies themselves? Definitely not.

Lets get this party rockin. Sure zombies can chase you down, eat your brains, and make you undead yourself. But there are many ways to defend yourself against the emanate zombie attack. Make no mistake, zombies will raise and start fucking up the earth in a big way. Preparedness is the way of the future. My first suggestion is before you arm yourself with weapons and a plan- you must first arm yourself with knowledge. It is at this point that I will endorse this book:

Yes’m I endorse it fully. Have I read it? You bet I have! It was one of the greatest reads of my life. It has illustrations too if your minds eye isn’t so keen. Once armed with the knowledge this book can give you, you’ll know how to face what the author refers to as World War Z.

There is also a follow up book which I am sure is quite useful, entitled World War Z. I’ve not read that one, as I’ve been busy preparing myself for the zombie invasion that will happen.

Just remember that knowledge is power and when you’re armed with guns, knives, bats, ammo, combat boots.. a plan, AND knowledge, you’re nearly unstoppable. Like GI JOE always said, knowing is half the battle!

Here’s a hint. Zombies can’t swim. This is why I will become a pirate during World War Z. Also, this is my post 2012 plan. When the world goes to fuck hell ass dead, I will  become a pirate and sail the Caribbean, searching for gold, treasure, and booty. I’ve already started my crew too. No joke. Here’s another crazy thing.. one member of my crew only has one eye. How fucking rad is that? It means i’ll be the most successful post 2012/WWZ Pirate on earth. Yo-ho, bitches!

Well I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today, but like dr. phil, I have infused you with knowledge from a pretentious stand point. But not only that, I have once again, brought you the truth. I’ve answered your letters, and for some of you, helped you through your fears once more. Also, I spoke of trannies, so its like an episode of Maury. Fuck all those lame ass talk show hosts, I can totally own this bitch. NBC, gimme a call! We can make this shit happen. I’m available all the time, since I don’t leave my cave. You know how to find me. I’ve seen your suits all over the place. Don’t be shy, I won’t bite.. Unless I’m out of ramen.

Thank you.