Fashion.

Fashion. It’s one of those things that eludes most straight men. We don’t get it, we don’t understand.. and for good reason. Unless you are a woman or a gay man, there’s no way you could ever truly understand fashion.

So, ladies, this blog is for you. This is to help you understand how we think, and what we do and do not understand. School is in session, bitch, now sit down and shut up, it’s time to strap on another edition of the truth.

I’m a straight man, and I do not understand fashion at all. There are some things that I do understand and we’ll get to that. But for now, lets just say the fact that I don’t know means I do know and that gives me the power to control you and your life! talk about this subject with absolute certainty.

Good enough? You’re probably saying no, but I don’t fucking care. We’ve talked about this before, this is my show, I’m allowed to run it how I want. So fuck off.

Now, let’s begin.

Fashion is fucking stupid. That’s as plain and straight as anyone can put it. You have all these designers who make all this random weird shit, and then they put on a show that people actually go to, models make money at, and lots of cocaine is snorted at it. I mean really, that’s how models stay so thin. Coke diets work awesome. Not that I’d know.

Anyways, people, especially celebrities go to these fashion shows, these events of extreme oddness, and they watch and they see just what the new trends in the world are. What they must have and why this designer is so good that they have to design a dress that costs thousands of dollars. It’s really an exercise in pointlessness. Most of the time.

Let’s be truthful here, a straight man will never complain about that Victoria’s Secret show they air on TV where scantily clad women strut across our screens. Never. EVER! The only bitch we have about it, is if we have a girlfriend who won’t let us watch it. Bitches, they just don’t understand.

But really, even some of the shit those models wear is weird too. But who cares. Here’s the odd thing: fashion shows pertain to men as well. There are these ‘designers’ who make fashion for men as well. Clearly though, not straight men. No, a straight man would never be caught dead in some shit like this.

Fuck, this guy looks like he’s trying extremely hard to be the faggot GI JOE. Private Parts or something like that.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

But he’s not GI JOE. No, he is no real American hero, hell he’s probably not even American. A straight man thinks like this.

Hey look, jeans! *sniff* Not bad! A little wrinkled but not bad! Where’s a fucking shirt?

Then you insert any shirt of any color that is clean enough and in decent enough shape and THAT is fucking fashionable. And why do we all dress like that? You ladies are probably thinking its because we don’t give a shit about fashion. You would be right, but there’s something even bigger that you’re missing with that.. its not JUST that we don’t give two fucks about stupid over priced fashion, it’s that AND the fact that.. if it works for Tommy Lee, it could potentially work for US too. And we’re all just trying to nail Pamela Anderson.

Shoes.

Fucking shoes. Fuck shoes. I’ll tell you what, I don’t get the obsession with shoes at fucking ALL. I have like 4 pairs of shoes, which include my flippyfloppies. That’s pretty high for a straight guy, but really, who needs MORE than that? I’ve my 10 year old Dr. Marten’s. Hiking boots, work boots, gym shoes and flippyfloppies. THAT’S ALL ANYONE COULD EVER NEED! But not women.

Women want 45 fucking pairs of shoes for no fucking reason. They will buy shoes and say, OMG aren’t these SOOOOO cute?! And then, they will never wear them. Ever. That, my dears is just another reason why men say women have no

1. common sense
2. brains
3. fiscal responsibility

Its not our fault we think that. Its yours. You do it to yourselves. And its pretty obvious why. You’ll overpay for designer clothes which, as we’ve discussed, are just weird. You’ll over pay for 10x more shoes than you’ll ever wear in a single lifetime. All the while we own like 6 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans, and 4 pairs of shoes. And all that money you waste on things that don’t even matter.

But.

Sometimes you get it right. That’s right, you do get it right sometimes and before we close out this adventure in fashion, we’ll explore how you do get it right.

Going Braless.

Yeah, that’s called getting it fucking right. Most guys can’t even take off a bra. To make matters worse, once you’re drunk it gets much more difficult to take the bra off. And the simple fact is, a man may tell you, Oh I don’t care about boobs, I’m into personality (lie) I just want a girl who can make me laugh (lie) I’m into legs (truth, but still a lie) I’m an ass man (truth, but still a lie)

Why still a lie? Because all straight men want boobs. We fucking love tits. There is no way around it. Tits are fucking great. The fact that you torture your tits by keeping them in a bra 99% of the time is a tragedy. But some girls.. some go braless. And those women are heroes in the world, and we thank them every time we see them.

The Seatbelt Effect.

The seatbelt effect can be done with a seatbelt or more commonly with a purse strap. We love this shit. You wear it in such a way where it not only separates but accentuates the tits. This simple move drives straight men crazy. It’s a fantastical way to accessorize yourself, and there have been riots over the proper display of this. Do it, and do it often.

This can take an average looking woman and make her attractive. So ladies, if you’re a plain Jane, and looking to turn heads.. this is your best option after showing up naked. Clearly, we prefer naked, but if you MUST wear clothes, then this is the only way to accessorize. We don’t give a flying fuck about your shoes. Whether you’re color matched, or what jewelry you’re wearing. We’re primordial beasts that don’t give two fucks about how expensive your top was. Or how cute it is. But if you have that boobstrap.. watch out.

 

This.

This is what you call “Winter Accessories Done Right”

Yoga Pants.

Ahh, finally we reach what I like to call the greatest invention in the history of man kind. Sure you can say cars are great, jets.. going to the moon. Entertainment like movies, television, etc. All of these things are amazing inventions, its true. What is also true is that they all pale in comparison to the invention of yoga pants.

Yoga pants are so great that it has been speculated that they were the inspired works of God. Its true. There’s a debate amongst scholars about this. Not about the fact that they were the inspired work of God, but rather about WHICH God ordained that this should happen.

The Jews claim it, for obviously, Yoga pants make a shit ton of money. The Christian’s claim it because they think they are the only ones who can be sexy. The Muslims claim its blasphemy. Only a husbands right to see.

The argument is heated, and there are no clear victors to it at this time, but trust me when I say, that I’ll keep my eye on yoga pants and the debate following them.

Yoga pants are so sexy that there are some that were recently pulled from the shelves for being too risqué. I’m not exactly sure how that is even possible.

Simple fact of the matter is, yoga pants can make any ass look good 98.14% of the time. That’s a pretty large window of success, ladies.

So ladies, do you have a hot date coming up and you’re really thinking about how you can dress to impress? Lets take what we’ve learned here today and apply it to your fashion sense and see what we can come up with.

For a top, clearly you want to show off the boobs, because as we said, all men love boobs, and none of them care how much your top cost or what tag is on it. The point is, wear it with out a bra.

Now, though women swear up and down they don’t like to be seen as sex objects.. the truth is… that’s a blatant fucking lie. Everyone, men AND women, want to be seen as sexy. That’s why you wear more than a burlap sack. That’s why you get your hair and nails did. Don’t fucking lie to me, I know the fucking truth. Make sure you wear some yoga pants too. They don’t have to be white, but so long as they’re on, you’ll be a hit.

And there’s good news, I’ve been told by women that yoga pants are just damn comfortable. Comfort and sexy? Now you’re thinking like a man.

Finally, make sure you wear that purse with the strap in between the boobs. Yes, the boobstrap will add that extra POW! that you’re looking for. You don’t need fancy earrings or necklaces. You don’t need gold or diamonds. All you need is that purse placed right, no bra, and some yoga pants and you’ll win every time. You don’t necessarily have to plan to go out and have sex like a whore, and you don’t have to feel like you’re dressed like one. Think of it as you’re dressed like a goddess, and admit for once that you like the fucking attention. Dress the part and you’ll get it, because in the end.. we like giving that attention, and we’re all just looking for our own Pamela Anderson.

The Double Standard of the Female Psyche.

I swear to fucking hell, I’m not trying to be a total dick here.. but women.. you’re fucking stupid. I mean, I’m not saying you’re fucking stupid really, but you’re fucking stupid. Get me? Of course you don’t.

Seriously though, when women talk, sometimes I wonder if they really take the fucking time to think about what it is they actually are going to say before they just open their stupid fucking traps and say it.

To be completely fair, there are exceptions of course, to every fucking rule, and so too goes with women. Chances are you’re one of those women who right now are thinking, “Oh critic, I know you’re not talking about the likes of ME!” – Well get over yourself, bitch, chances are.. I probably am.

That is because of the double standard of the female psyche.

If you’re a female, then guess what? You fucking have it. It’s a fucking scientific fact. Trust me, I’ve done the research. I’m here to clinically prove this shit to you.

I’m divorced.

Women live by a double standard that is impossible for any man to ever live up to, or in accordance with. Women, you know you do. You know who you are. You live your lives in this fucking glass bubble where you think the whole entire fucking world revolves around you. You’re special, you’re different. YOU ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME. (for the most part)

You want what you want and you want it how you want it regardless of whatever consequence or side effect.

The reality of the world is, though, darlings, is the world doesn’t work that way, and you may what to sit down.. because what I’m about to tell you, may come as a fucking shock.

The world doesn’t revolve around your ass.

Are you ok? Probably not, but this rude awakening bitchslap of epic proportions is just getting started, so make someone strap you to the chair because this is important shit you need to hear right the fuck here and right the fuck now.

Each and every one of you are raised to a certain standard of being some kind of princess. This is a funny thing. It alters your behavior, it makes you act like you think you’re royalty. You are not royalty.  If you get to act like a princess, then how come men don’t get to act like a king without being labeled as “An Asshole” ? Think about that for a minute. Is it because you’re more special than us? Absolutely. Why?

Because you have tits.

Because you have tits, we men, who are still quite primordial and mentally challenged, will do pretty much anything for those tits. And we’ll do even more for nice sets. Fun fact: All tits are nice.

I said tits, not moobs. If you’re a guy with moobs, then fucking wake up and don’t be as stupid as the look that is on your fucking face right now.

Here’s what’s worse: Most women realize that tits = power. Even more so, vagina = more power. Combine the two and its really fucking scary.

But the simple fact is, you think yourselves above everyone else, including other tits and vaginas, because your tits are obviously the best. And your vagina is solid fucking gold. Guess whaaaaat? Its just simply and painfully.. not fucking true.

I’m sorry, but the whole idea that you get to act like a cunt whenever you fucking feel like it and use the excuse of “being a princess” – that shit just doesn’t fly with me. Its not being a princess, its being a fucking cunt. If you know me, you also know how to set shit off. Therefore, the double standard here, is to say something really fucking retarded, that will obviously piss me off.. and then say, “Well I’m not trying to upset you..” Shut up, cunt. You are too. You’re pushing buttons. Why? Because you’re fucking stupid. Because you fucking can. Because you think you’re fucking better than everyone else in the world and you’re prettier and smarter and so this gives you all the power in the world to be a raging twat rocket.

Well it doesn’t. It gives you no right. That’s like me, the critic, being a total asshole, which I am, and saying, “Its because I’m the king.. that’s why I am this way..” That’s fucking bullshit. I’m not the fucking king. (I am of a small country actually, but that’s besides the point) No, I don’t go around saying I’m the king and so I have the absolute unquestionable right to be a raging fucking ass wad dick face jerk. No, I tell it straight. If I say something that comes off offensive and makes me look like an asshole, I tell it how it is, “Sorry, I’m an asshole.” Goddamn right. And guess what? I’m always an asshole, I always say things that come off offensively and make me look like a jerk. I’m ok with it. The people who choose to be around me.. they’re ok with it too. They deal with it, they don’t excuse it. Fuck no. Everyone, at every chance they get will tell me, “Dude, you’re a fucking asshole.” Goddamn right. That’s how I am. I’m not a king, a prince, a knight in shining armor. I’m the fucking critic, and by being the fucking critic, and this fucking critic is one of if not the worlds biggest assholes. There’s not a double standard.

If you act like a bitch around me, you get treated as thus.

I went out with a couple friends once. I say friends, but really I mean acquaintances. By acquaintances, I mean I really didn’t like them at all. The guy was a total dumbshit frat fuck. I don’t even remember his name. That’s a lie, I don’t forget shit, his name was Adam. Her name was Anna. She was a royal cunt. I’ll tell you what, this chick was such a fucking bitch that though she was physically attractive, the minute she opened her mouth and began to talk, I wanted to blow my own fucking brains out with a shotgun Cobain style.

Yeah, it was that fucking bad.

We went to this restaurant, them and me and the girl I happened to be dating at the time. Ahh the thrill of a stupid double fucking date with retards. The nice thing about going places with idiots is this- It makes you feel like you’re far superior when you’ve spent some time with fucktards. Needless to say, even though I feel superior most of the time (because I’m an asshole) I was feeling extra awesome this night.

We go out. Its winter, so its cold out, naturally.. and when we’re sitting down, after a couple minutes, Anna starts to complain, of course. Why? Because she’s a fucking princess bitch. What is she complaining about? Well she is complaining about the fact that guys all over this place are staring at her tits.

I should elaborate now. So I will. She was wearing a blue top. It was tight. She was not wearing a bra, and her nipples were sticking out like they were torpedoes. Because as I said before, it was cold out.

I wanted to smack the shit out of her. OF COURSE THEY ARE STARING AT YOUR TITS! You came into the place advertising with a flashing fucking sign over your head that reads: STARE AT MY FUCKIN TITS!

So we did. Guess what? I looked too. Fuck you, bitch. You and your double standard. Oh hey, I’m going to wear a shirt that showcases my ginormous hard nippled tits with no bra covering them, and then bitch about it. Fuck you.

You are not a princess, Anna, you are a cunt. It is, my friends, behavior like this that pisses men off to no end. But we deal with it.

Why?

Because we’re stupid and because we love tits. Even Anna’s. So your double standard life styles are amazing. They come and go with such degrees that are truly baffling. Its amazing. It’s not your fault, like I said.. its just because the majority of you, the majority of the time.. are fucking stupid. Maybe I’m stupid too. Scratch that, I KNOW I’m stupid. Why? I put up with the shit. As do most men. This does not include gay men. (Thus making them far smarter. And fashionable too.)

Its too amazing to think of the double standards of how you life your lives. “Did you just look at that girls ass?” Why yes, I just did, just like you looked at that guy. Or when you get upset because we say: Lucy Liu is fucking hot! That hurts your feelings. Awww. Poor bitches. But its ok for you to fucking scream and go ga-ga over a movie about male strippers staring a chiseled Channing Tatum. Or if he’s not your cup of tea, (insert male actor’s name here)

But its ok, because we know you’re too big of a bitch and those guys can get any chick they want. That includes the pre-crazy Britney Spears.

Another one of my favorites, is women saying they hate liars. That’s pretty much like saying “I hate myself.” Because 98.3% of all women are liars. You lie about everything, even little bullshit things that don’t matter. Like you’ll talk mad shit about some “friend” of yours, and how you can’t stand that bitch. Yet you’ll go to her bridal shower and tell her how beautiful she is.. furthermore, because women over exaggerate every fucking thing in the entire fucking world.. you’ll go so far as to, to her fucking face- say: “OH I just love you SOOOOO MUCH!”

You lying fucking whores. How do you live with yourselves? You lie about it to us and yourselves later. “I love her.. I really do, but I hate her!”

If a guy doesn’t like another guy.. we don’t fucking pretend. We just don’t fucking see that guy. If we see them, there will likely be blood.

Jealousy. You’re jealous creatures all the time. But if a man gets penis envy, like “Oh man that guy’s jeep is cooler than mine..” Well then we’re just being ridiculous. Double standards.

Don’t talk to women, or you’re a cheating bastard!!!! But it’s ok if women talk to other men. Because they can be trusted.

Bullshit. Double standard.. and also bullshit.

The I’m sorry game is my favorite though. A woman will do this shit all the fucking time. She’ll say all kinds of things to royally piss you off.. THEN she follows it up with “I’m sorry.” And suddenly, no harm done, no foul. Life goes on. But oh no, we’re not allowed to be pissed off anymore. Fuck you, mister. If you stay pissed off after an “I’m sorry” Then you’re not only in the wrong, but you’re the biggest fucking dick there is. So fuck you.

But if we piss off a woman and then say I’m sorry? No sir, you better back that shit up with a back rub, flowers, a new Lexus, a FUCKING card. Submitted in writing and then take a fucking number. Why? Women have emotion, that’s why, you dipshit. It takes time to repair the damage you do. Get fucking real.

Double fucking standards. They’re in every fucking thing you women do. There is hope though, there are some of us men out there that are so wonderful and amazing, and we have all the guts in the world to tell you:

TO FUCK OFF.

You can take you bullshit double standards, roll them up real tight and shove them up your fucking vagina which you obviously think is made of solid fucking gold. You must think that, at least, why else would you act like a raging fucking cunt and expect that its completely ok behavior to get away with. You don’t act like its ok when we’re assholes, why the fuck would you think we will act like its ok when you’re a bitch?

The simple truth is, some of us will, some of us won’t. I for one, won’t. I for one, say you can fuck yourselves, because you’re not wanted, If you want to be a bitch, you better make it worth my while somehow, and not be upset when I’m the dick that I am.. Otherwise, you just wont fucking make it long.

Fact, bitch.

Battle of the Sexes

In my last blog everyone who read it pretty much gave me the same kind of feedback. I wasn’t too thrilled with it.. but because I believe that here the truth shall reign fuckin supreme.. I will share the feedback with you. It was like this:

• it was ok
• not your best
• I liked it alright
• A bit tame
• too tame
• not what your fans come to expect from you

That shit hurts. You know, I try to give you a nice biblical lesson and you just fucking shit on my chest without even asking permission.

I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m.. back. Fuck you, bitches. You think you can bring down this mother fuckin critic? I think not, twats! And so with this instilment of the critic, I will do my goddamned best to insult each and every last fucking one of you. Starting with..

ALL OF YOU

This weeks bible lesson comes from a new bible which if you don’t have, run out to amazon and buy it as soon as someone agrees to publish it. Since we’re dealing with anger issues today, we’re gonna relate this one to each and every one of you out there. Page 228 reads:

Your good looks won’t save you during the Zombie Apocalypse. Neither will your GQ style, nor how well you know how to use your vagina for manipulation.

That’s a fuckin fact. Moving on.

My credentials for the battle of the sexes? Well I’m the critic, this is my world and here we have a prime example of where my opinion is the only one that matters! Why you ask? Because I said so, bitch. Like it. Like every minute of it.

It would be out of character and probably shock all of you if I ended it like that, so I won’t. Because I’m cooler than that, you know it, damn it. I’m a man, I’ve an open mind and I’m very intuitive. Also, since I’m the Harbinger of Truth, this qualifies me greatly. Still don’t believe me? Well read on creepers. This rocket ship of doom has launched.

The battle of the sexes is simple. I’m going to make it so easy.. even a woman can understand it. We’re going to compare the advantages and disadvantages of the sexes and at the end we’re going to do do a brief tally and see who the winner is. Simple? Ok. Should we get started? Lets!

Camping is one of those activities which men typically accelerate at. We can get lost naturally, but normally find our way out. The reason? We can read a map. Women.. well you can’t. On TV women are always the ones who are like “Stop and ask for directions..” which was probably the right thing to do.. in the 1950’s. Modern times and the advent of GPS and TOMTOM means that no one really needs to read a map anymore. And no one needs to ask for directions. Therefore, the point to men for being able to read a map is null and void by the woman’s point for having the logic of asking for directions, and they are both cancelled out by the fact that no one has to do either anymore because GPS changed the world completely.

That said, sticking with the great out doors and what not: Pissing in the fucking wilderness is great. Just like the beasts, we get to go out into the wild and mark our territory. If you’re a man, that means you can piss on every rock, stick, branch, leaf, and patch of grass you want. If you’re a woman that means you get to piss on.. well, your leg.

The inability to piss whilst standing, is a major deterrent to being a female. You don’t have to try to deny it, bitches, we guys know its true. You pretend you like camping, but the simple matter is, every time you go, and you piss yourself, because inevitably you will because you CANNOT piss standing up, by default, you know that though man is a primal beast marking his territory, you on the other hand are nothing but an imbecilic creature who cannot even keep from defecating on yourself. Since soiling your own clothes is quite disgusting.. that’s a major loss of points for you.  Advantage: Men

Driving. That’s a topic that we’ve covered at length before here on the critic. And what the conclusion was, is that despite the fact that most guys are dick whole cunt rag drivers, they are still far better drivers than women. Not only do women insist on driving whilst putting on make up, eating, texting, talking on the phone, curling their hair, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a cup of coffee, but they insist on doing it daily. Now I know what you bitches are saying, that’s not fair critic, you have used this material before. You’re right, I have.. and its unfair. So let me slam the door on your ideals here really quick with one easy questions:

Why is it that women cannot parallel park?

Fucking shit man, its not that hard. You can see guys who have the smallest dicks in the world and consequently drive these massive penile implant pick up trucks… that are bigger than your average trailer in a park in Texas. Or, as they call it in Texas: The good side of the tracks. But a woman in a fucking fiat, or a Mini Cooper cannot manage to park that thing on a street between two cars if she had the room of 5 fucking football fields. I’m sorry bitches, but your inability to drive may be null because of the fact that I’ve covered that material before, but the fact that what you do behind a steering wheel is not only dangerous but mentally retarded cannot be overlooked. Advantage: Men.

It is at this point that you women out there are thinking jesus tap dancing christ, the critic has nothing nice to say about us! Well here, I’ll give you something.

Tits.

They’re fucking amazing and no matter how big a guy can grow moobs.. its just not the fucking same. We love tits so much that we’d all punch each other into oblivion for a nice set of them. And as we all know, there is no nicer set of tits on this earth than those which are connected to the epidermis of Pamela Anderson.

It’s a pretty unfair advantage, women, that you have Pam on your side. Guys would kill to have a mascot like that. Sure we have guys like Brad Pitt, but really.. get fucking real. Somewhere out there there is a woman who says, “Brad.. he’s not attractive. At all.” Where as every time in the history of the world a man has uttered the phrase, “Pamela Anderson isn’t hot.” The earth actually opened up and swallowed that cocksucker whole. It’s a fucking fact that the earth will not allow any man on this planet to think Pamela Anderson isn’t hot. Therefore, once again I say, pretty unfair advantage, skanks.

Advantage: Women.

Now that you have that feather in your cap..

Let’s take a quick break. Is everyone feeling ok? Maybe the critic hasn’t been too mean yet? Or do you need a fuckin lollypop. Fuck you, I want a lollypop. Also, I’m going to look at more pictures of good old Pammy. Be right back.

….

So I’m back, did you miss me? I know you fuckin did. You’re dying to see how this blog is gonna wrap up. I know you well.. Well lets wrap it up nice and tight like, and make sure that we get no trophies outta this slut.

That time of the month. I had a boss once, his name was Ed. He was the dirtiest sonovabitch I’ve ever met, and he looked like Tim Curry. Anyways, he always said: “Never trust something that can bleed for a week and not die.” Sorry ladies, but he has a valid fucking point here. You may say it’s a natural thing and all women do it, which doesn’t help your cause. We men cannot fathom bleeding for a week. We’d be dead. It’s a fact. Now, you may be thinking this should give you the advantage on this one… WRONG! It does not. No, fuck that nonsensical bullshit. That’s like being a zombie. And what do we do with zombies? That’s right.. we fucking kill them. Advantage: Men.

Vacation.. Secrets.

Its no shock to think that whilst vacationing alone, you can always end up with a need to.. pleasure yourself. Now, I know what you’re thinking, man or woman you’re saying: Fuck that, I’d go find someone to straight up fuck.

No you wouldn’t you lying pieces of shit. Its not like its as easy as just going to the bar and saying SOMEONE WANNA FUCK!? Unless of course, you’re a female. And a slut. So lets change this to we’re vacationing alone.. in Africa. That’s right. The birthplace and hometown of AIDS. You’re not gonna go fuck someone. There. So anyways..

You need to give yourself a little pleasure. Its been a long trip perhaps. Well, for a guy, that’s easy, all we need is our trusty hand. Fuck yah, not only can it pen out a dissertation on world peace, it can also bring inner peace.

Women, on the other hand.. well in order to truly get the full sensation you require.. you have to bring.. a toy. Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.. unless you think about going through customs and some TSA asshole having his grubby mits on your favorite vibemaster 10 billion? OR WORSE! What if after rifling through your luggage with disregard, they end up leaving that vacation boyfriend near the top and by accident, whilst in a hotel lobby.. it happens to fall out. Oh lord, how would THAT make you feel? So really, the ability for self pleasurization .. cmon, you know where this is going.. Advantage: Men.

Vagina.

The sexual reproductive organ of females.. an the most sought after thing by any and every male on the earth. You might be saying, oh no, not gay men! That’s true, they turned to loving the cock.. because their efforts to get the vag left them distraught after repeated failures. The simple and absolute truth about the vagina is, it does not matter whom it belongs to, it is the worlds finest currency. It is more powerful than a nuclear warhead and stronger than the hulk.

Through their vaginas, women wield a power so great that no man can resist its temptation. It can turn the brain of any man to goo, and make us do things that normally we’d never do. It renders us as smart as cavemen.

The simple fact of the matter is, we men, are quite stupid. It’s a proven fact that boobs alone will sway the average man… for the rest of us there is the vagina to sway us. And women, knowing how to use their built in superpowers because they are the most evil of all creatures ever created on this earth, will show you not only their boobs, but their vagina at the same time, and then.. well lets face it boys… we’re putty in their evil fucking hands.

Advantage: Women.

So lets do a rough tally.. men can piss standing up, we can drive better AND park a car.. we don’t need toys to pleasure ourselves and we don’t unnaturally bleed for a week at a time without dying, thus giving us a solid score of 4.

Women have tits and va-jayjays. Thus giving them a score of 10,000,000,000.

Sorry fellas, we lost. Women will always win the battle of the sexes, because we will die for the tits, ass, pussy, long hair, pretty features, perfume, soft skin, and a gorgeous smile. It’s a simple fact of life. So live it up ladies.. and go boss your bitch man around for a bit to make yourselves feel better.

Bitches.