Fashion.

Fashion. It’s one of those things that eludes most straight men. We don’t get it, we don’t understand.. and for good reason. Unless you are a woman or a gay man, there’s no way you could ever truly understand fashion.

So, ladies, this blog is for you. This is to help you understand how we think, and what we do and do not understand. School is in session, bitch, now sit down and shut up, it’s time to strap on another edition of the truth.

I’m a straight man, and I do not understand fashion at all. There are some things that I do understand and we’ll get to that. But for now, lets just say the fact that I don’t know means I do know and that gives me the power to control you and your life! talk about this subject with absolute certainty.

Good enough? You’re probably saying no, but I don’t fucking care. We’ve talked about this before, this is my show, I’m allowed to run it how I want. So fuck off.

Now, let’s begin.

Fashion is fucking stupid. That’s as plain and straight as anyone can put it. You have all these designers who make all this random weird shit, and then they put on a show that people actually go to, models make money at, and lots of cocaine is snorted at it. I mean really, that’s how models stay so thin. Coke diets work awesome. Not that I’d know.

Anyways, people, especially celebrities go to these fashion shows, these events of extreme oddness, and they watch and they see just what the new trends in the world are. What they must have and why this designer is so good that they have to design a dress that costs thousands of dollars. It’s really an exercise in pointlessness. Most of the time.

Let’s be truthful here, a straight man will never complain about that Victoria’s Secret show they air on TV where scantily clad women strut across our screens. Never. EVER! The only bitch we have about it, is if we have a girlfriend who won’t let us watch it. Bitches, they just don’t understand.

But really, even some of the shit those models wear is weird too. But who cares. Here’s the odd thing: fashion shows pertain to men as well. There are these ‘designers’ who make fashion for men as well. Clearly though, not straight men. No, a straight man would never be caught dead in some shit like this.

Fuck, this guy looks like he’s trying extremely hard to be the faggot GI JOE. Private Parts or something like that.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

But he’s not GI JOE. No, he is no real American hero, hell he’s probably not even American. A straight man thinks like this.

Hey look, jeans! *sniff* Not bad! A little wrinkled but not bad! Where’s a fucking shirt?

Then you insert any shirt of any color that is clean enough and in decent enough shape and THAT is fucking fashionable. And why do we all dress like that? You ladies are probably thinking its because we don’t give a shit about fashion. You would be right, but there’s something even bigger that you’re missing with that.. its not JUST that we don’t give two fucks about stupid over priced fashion, it’s that AND the fact that.. if it works for Tommy Lee, it could potentially work for US too. And we’re all just trying to nail Pamela Anderson.

Shoes.

Fucking shoes. Fuck shoes. I’ll tell you what, I don’t get the obsession with shoes at fucking ALL. I have like 4 pairs of shoes, which include my flippyfloppies. That’s pretty high for a straight guy, but really, who needs MORE than that? I’ve my 10 year old Dr. Marten’s. Hiking boots, work boots, gym shoes and flippyfloppies. THAT’S ALL ANYONE COULD EVER NEED! But not women.

Women want 45 fucking pairs of shoes for no fucking reason. They will buy shoes and say, OMG aren’t these SOOOOO cute?! And then, they will never wear them. Ever. That, my dears is just another reason why men say women have no

1. common sense
2. brains
3. fiscal responsibility

Its not our fault we think that. Its yours. You do it to yourselves. And its pretty obvious why. You’ll overpay for designer clothes which, as we’ve discussed, are just weird. You’ll over pay for 10x more shoes than you’ll ever wear in a single lifetime. All the while we own like 6 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans, and 4 pairs of shoes. And all that money you waste on things that don’t even matter.

But.

Sometimes you get it right. That’s right, you do get it right sometimes and before we close out this adventure in fashion, we’ll explore how you do get it right.

Going Braless.

Yeah, that’s called getting it fucking right. Most guys can’t even take off a bra. To make matters worse, once you’re drunk it gets much more difficult to take the bra off. And the simple fact is, a man may tell you, Oh I don’t care about boobs, I’m into personality (lie) I just want a girl who can make me laugh (lie) I’m into legs (truth, but still a lie) I’m an ass man (truth, but still a lie)

Why still a lie? Because all straight men want boobs. We fucking love tits. There is no way around it. Tits are fucking great. The fact that you torture your tits by keeping them in a bra 99% of the time is a tragedy. But some girls.. some go braless. And those women are heroes in the world, and we thank them every time we see them.

The Seatbelt Effect.

The seatbelt effect can be done with a seatbelt or more commonly with a purse strap. We love this shit. You wear it in such a way where it not only separates but accentuates the tits. This simple move drives straight men crazy. It’s a fantastical way to accessorize yourself, and there have been riots over the proper display of this. Do it, and do it often.

This can take an average looking woman and make her attractive. So ladies, if you’re a plain Jane, and looking to turn heads.. this is your best option after showing up naked. Clearly, we prefer naked, but if you MUST wear clothes, then this is the only way to accessorize. We don’t give a flying fuck about your shoes. Whether you’re color matched, or what jewelry you’re wearing. We’re primordial beasts that don’t give two fucks about how expensive your top was. Or how cute it is. But if you have that boobstrap.. watch out.

 

This.

This is what you call “Winter Accessories Done Right”

Yoga Pants.

Ahh, finally we reach what I like to call the greatest invention in the history of man kind. Sure you can say cars are great, jets.. going to the moon. Entertainment like movies, television, etc. All of these things are amazing inventions, its true. What is also true is that they all pale in comparison to the invention of yoga pants.

Yoga pants are so great that it has been speculated that they were the inspired works of God. Its true. There’s a debate amongst scholars about this. Not about the fact that they were the inspired work of God, but rather about WHICH God ordained that this should happen.

The Jews claim it, for obviously, Yoga pants make a shit ton of money. The Christian’s claim it because they think they are the only ones who can be sexy. The Muslims claim its blasphemy. Only a husbands right to see.

The argument is heated, and there are no clear victors to it at this time, but trust me when I say, that I’ll keep my eye on yoga pants and the debate following them.

Yoga pants are so sexy that there are some that were recently pulled from the shelves for being too risqué. I’m not exactly sure how that is even possible.

Simple fact of the matter is, yoga pants can make any ass look good 98.14% of the time. That’s a pretty large window of success, ladies.

So ladies, do you have a hot date coming up and you’re really thinking about how you can dress to impress? Lets take what we’ve learned here today and apply it to your fashion sense and see what we can come up with.

For a top, clearly you want to show off the boobs, because as we said, all men love boobs, and none of them care how much your top cost or what tag is on it. The point is, wear it with out a bra.

Now, though women swear up and down they don’t like to be seen as sex objects.. the truth is… that’s a blatant fucking lie. Everyone, men AND women, want to be seen as sexy. That’s why you wear more than a burlap sack. That’s why you get your hair and nails did. Don’t fucking lie to me, I know the fucking truth. Make sure you wear some yoga pants too. They don’t have to be white, but so long as they’re on, you’ll be a hit.

And there’s good news, I’ve been told by women that yoga pants are just damn comfortable. Comfort and sexy? Now you’re thinking like a man.

Finally, make sure you wear that purse with the strap in between the boobs. Yes, the boobstrap will add that extra POW! that you’re looking for. You don’t need fancy earrings or necklaces. You don’t need gold or diamonds. All you need is that purse placed right, no bra, and some yoga pants and you’ll win every time. You don’t necessarily have to plan to go out and have sex like a whore, and you don’t have to feel like you’re dressed like one. Think of it as you’re dressed like a goddess, and admit for once that you like the fucking attention. Dress the part and you’ll get it, because in the end.. we like giving that attention, and we’re all just looking for our own Pamela Anderson.

Censored!

Ever feel like you know some how, somewhere, you’re getting fucked, big time! And I’m not talking about someone slipped you a roofie or some asshat has used the force on you.

No I’m talking about you feel like you’ve been fucked by some assclown who didn’t have the common courtesy to use lube or give you a reach around! Who is this bastard!? He is THE MAN! The one and only. He does this to you sometimes, and you may not even realize it. I have realized it. Its happening to me everyday, and its happening to you too!

I’ve already explained my credentials to you, but I’ll tell you again. I my friends, I am being censored RIGHT NOW! I know this to be truth. Maybe you haven’t experienced it to the full extent that I have, but you’re getting the hammer put to you as we speak! So because I’m being censored, I am perfectly capable of explaining more censorship than most people, and I’m not just talking about porn here!

We’ve discussed censorship to a certain extent, but other than searching for awesome pornographic materials, we’ve not really gone much more into it. Now, lets dabble in the extreme. Buckle up bitches, its time to ride this rollercoaster of madness into the abyss!

Maybe you’ve had this bullshit happen to you, maybe you haven’t. I have it happen all the time. Cellphones are the devil as we all know, and to my adoring fans who send me awesome messages which I receive on my cell phone, I thank you. The rest of you who send those messages and hear nothing from me. Its bullshit right? Totally. Here’s what really pisses me off, if I take the time to sacrifice my thumbs to send you a message from my awesome phone, you should get it, plain and simple. And yet you don’t. And sometimes you send ME a message, sacrificing your thumbs in the process, and yet I don’t receive it. This is the man trying to limit my out reach. You blame me, my phone, my lack of caring to respond, but its just not true! Its all Uncle fucking Sam taking care of me, trying to keep me from spreading the truth. We don’t want that do we? No we don’t, but does Uncle Sam really care what we want? FUCK NO! I did some research and here is what I’ve discovered:

Jan. 4, 2011 – Washington D.C.

In a unanimous vote today the House of Representatives passed a bill to begin censorship of a certain self proclaimed “Prophet of Truth” based out of Colorado. His vicious words rival that of any critic out in the world, and this Doctor of information is to have the proverbial gag put over his mouth. The bill includes a budget of 12.5 Billion US dollars to bring silence through all forms of social media, personal cellular telephone usage, and even so far as prohibit the sale of anything that may be burned – the explanation to this, is to keep him “From sending smoke signals. This man is dangerous and very resourceful, and we must silence him in all forms possible.” (Rep. Michael E. Capuano, Mass.)

The Bill went to the Senate with no delay or red tape, and the preliminary vote showed an easy pass, in an act of uncanny bipartisanship, both the House and Senate voted unanimously to have this bomb dropped on “the critic”. Says Nancy Pelosi, “This is a true day of democracy, and a victory for Democrats and Republicans alike.” With the immediate signature of the President, the Bill has gone into effect.

ABC NEWS

There you have it. Fact, proof, and a straight up, game, set, match, bitches! It is at this time that I’d like to point out that it is not, in fact, my “Shitty ass Blackberry” that keeps me from receiving all forms of communication, and it is not my fault. I do find it somewhat surprising that my Berry has been silenced- since it is made in Socialist Canadia, and as we all know, the current regime in America is trying to send us to socialism, but that is besides the point. The point is, no matter what you say, my device works properly and is not, in fact, “Broken as fuck.” thank you very much.

So basically what you’re seeing is a bitch slap happen. If you send me a text and I don’t get it, don’t blame me. If I send you something and you don’t get it, don’t blame me. It seems that sometimes the most reliable form of communication is email, but even that might get the gag soon. So, petition, petition my friends, to try and stop the government from silencing the unstoppable, unsilencable critic. If I have to, I’ll move to keep bringing you the truth. But just remember. Sometimes, its out of my control.

Has this happened to you? It might have, if so, I feel your pain. If it has not, then you may count yourself as one of the fortunate ones. But the government in every state, town, province, city, county, and dirt patch in the lower 48 has already put a form of censorship in place to keep you from being free, truly free. You feel the grip on your neck yet? Oh yes, lets show you just how bad you have it and you don’t even KNOW!

Have you guessed it yet? That’s right, children, I’m talking about Local Law Enforcement Agencies. Formally known as: COPS!

They come in many ways shapes and forms. From City PD, to County Sheriff, State Patrol, and Highway Patrol. These people are here for one reason, and one reason only: To fucking make you hate life. These bastards are so self glorified, they’ve made multiple tv dramas based on them, which I like to call all of them “COP DRAMA” – sometimes you have “Cop Drama, LA!” or “Cop Drama, NYC!” but they are all the same. There’s even a real life documentary show of cops busting bad guys, which is cleverly named: COPS.

Cops themselves come in not many ways shapes and forms, there are two typical forms of cops. A male one, who is a grotesquely overweight asshole, and a female raging bull dyke asshole.

You know, I’ve run into a lot of cops in my day, and every time it happens its because I’m “Breaking the law” – ie. I’m speeding. Well who gets to decide how fast I should drive? Certainly not some over weight pig headed asshat with a badge. That’s not right at all! I didn’t get to be privy as to this decision making process, why do I have to adhere to it? These are not my rules, and I think that I should have some say in the rules in which I am forced to abide by. And every time I’m pulled over for “speeding” I think to myself, shouldn’t this dickhead be doing something more important? Like, I know there are identity thieves and meth addicts and rapists that are out there that really should deserve the attention of this fuck stick more than my doing 7 miles per hour over the speed limit. I know you’ve thought it too.

But who are cops, really? Other than a dick with a badge and a gun, who are they, on the inside? I’ll tell you who. Remember that kid in highschool you used to pick on? His name was like, Dwayne or something. Dwayne was a retard and you used to slap him daily. Why? Because you could. And it made him tear up, which was hilarious. Well, you see, Dwayne grew up, and he wanted revenge. So he became a cop. He made it through a mediocre training process, given a gun, and authority, and now he’s out for YOU. Every time he sees you, he fumes with the hatred of a thousand fires of hell, and he is ready to exact his revenge. If you run, he’ll shoot you. Why? Because he can. If you don’t run, he’ll give you a ticket. Why? Because you kinda tear up every time, and that’s fucking hilarious.

Now, here’s the real kicker. Congratulations, you pay this fuckstick’s salary! That’s right, friends, you pay this asshole to sit in a car on the side of the road, and “Fight Crime!” Fighting crime means to enjoy his free coffee and doughnut from 7/11. While he waits for you to pass, going just a little bit too fast and BOOM! You are officially fucked. Granted, there’s a liquor store being robbed that very moment, and a drunk asshole beating his wife, and a stalker who is watching some unknowing soul. Not to mention the tweaker who just stole my credit card number so he could score more meth. No, those people are not important. It is you, in your speeding car that is the real danger to society, you monkey fucker!

Not only do we pay their salary, but we also pay for that pretty ride they sit in, which, have you ever noticed, is a REALLY nice car? I’ve seen all kinds of awesome cop cars, none of which was an 83 Honda POS. Why? Because why the fuck should they have to ride in a shitty car like you? Fuck you, only top of the line shit for them! And if that’s not bad enough, they also have, from what I’ve seen recently, gas guzzling muscle cars for a ride. What the fuck. Gas is like $3.50 a gallon any more! What the fuck is going on here, why are we not only paying their salary, but also for the car they drive, the insurance associated with said car, AND the gas they get out of those shitty hogs! If you ask me, if we have to pay for ALL of that, then how about we give them a car that gets good gas mileage. It doesn’t even have to be a piece of shit either, we can give them good new cars, that are safe and will last until Jesus comes back to the earth. I’m talking a Prius here. Or a Mo-Ped. Something that gets like 700 miles to the gallon. That’d free up some government spending, ya? You think!?

Here’s some more insulting news. These guys are out there for our own good. They’re there to take down bad guys and save us innocents on the road. In fact, almost every police department has the same awesome slogan that makes you think: Hey, this fat fuck is on MY side! What slogan is that? To Protect and Serve.

They love that slogan so much, that it becomes a staple of their existence. I live to serve and protect. bitches.  Ok seriously, who does a job to serve and protect? No one! I do my job not so I can enhance peoples lives. Fuck no. I do my job for a paycheck! And also because no one will pay me to write a bunch of crap insulting any and everyone I can think of that falls in my sights at any given moment, mores the pity.

Yah that’s right, I bring you all the truth not for a paycheck, but out of love! Love for you, my friends, and for the truth, and for the knowledge of knowing that I am bringing you the truth! But if someone would pay me for it, I’d bring a whole bunch more bullshit truth to you whenever I feel like it often. But back to the case at hand. They are so proud of protect and serve the put it on cars, badges, patches, and signs. And on tv shows. But it’s a lie, isn’t it?

No! Its not a lie! Don’t you know? The DO protect and serve. They protect you from speeding.. and serve you with a ticket when you DO actually speed! That’s a service that is priceless.

So to recap a final analysis of these enforcers of your censorship:

You pay for their awesome fast gas guzzling car, the insurance and maintenance on it, and the assholes salary who is sitting inside it waiting for you to SPEED so he can pull you over, and write you a ticket so you can give MORE money to the state. Who in their right minds ever thought this was a good idea? Who ever it was deserves to be beaten to death with spoons. Yah, fucking spoons. That’d be a slow painful process to go through, so they know, just before they die, and for hours before that, they they are the fucking assholes who ruined my drive to work. Fuck you censorship, and fuck the assholes who are putting the gag on me. I’m breaking free, I know you’re with me! Now lets go do something awesome, like kill people, because so long as we’re not speeding on the way home, those lazy pigs will never find the bodies in our trunks!

Vampire Hunter

Vampires have become one of my favorite topics to talk about. Are they real? Of course they are. That’s why there's so many stories about them. Hunting them is also very real, and that’ll be where we find the main focus of this blog. The hunting of very real and SCARY vampires. But we’ll get to that later.

First, I have to tell you. To all the people out there who absolutely would DIE for their Apple computer, I have to make something of an apology.

It occurs to me, that I spend a lot of time ripping on Apple products in my blogs. For this I think I should apologize.

However, I’m not going to.

I stand by the truths which I bring you here, and today I have another revelation about Apple products. Its not so much the product I hate so much.. its the users.

The more I think about it, one of the only things I hate more than then Apple products, is the apple fanbois. Every time I find myself in traffic behind a car with one of those apple stickers on the ass end, I want to ram them. There’s something about the pretentiousness of owning an apple that makes all the retards who support their products so heavily that they are willing to put a sticker on their car that says: “I’m a dick who owns an apple!” Why on earth would you want to put that sticker on your car? First off, I myself refuse to put any sticker on my car. It seems like that would merely deface the awesomeness of my jeep. So much do I hate the addition of stickers that I do not even put a sweet ass Jolly Roger on my Jeep. Why do I need to advertise the fact that I am really a Pirate? I don’t. I let my actions speak louder than words. And so, as an apple owner, you must realize that there is no action you can take to show off your awesomeness, and so you feel the need to put a sticker on your car.

The simple fact is, almost everyone has an ipod, or iphone. Therefore almost everyone is an apple owner. However, for those of us who reluctantly own these over priced products, we’re far more awesome than you, sticker-man, for we do not advertise for that corporation.

I’ve taken my hate to new levels though. Oh yes! This is how my act of piracy shows awesomeness. When I see a car parked with the Apple logo, I try and give them a reminder as to why Piracy is greater than Apples! In the picture here, you can see what I did to the last asshole I saw who advertised his pretentious Fanboi-ism. Owned by Pirates, bitch!

So, in conclusion, its not the product, its the price tag.. and not just the price tag.. Its the sticker loving cockbags who advertise for you. Beware Apple Sticker Show-ers. You could be next.

Before we get to hunting the undead there’s a couple more things that piss me off I wanna talk about first. You see, I went on vacation, and I had time to think. When I think, I discover anger. Its dangerous, which is why I normally just try not to think. Also, I find myself with headaches after too much thinking.

Las Vegas. 

I’ve been there. I’ve even written once about my last trip to Vegas. Upon thinking about Las Vegas, I realized.. I should learn to play Craps. I have no idea how you play this game, but, like you, I see this on the TV, on movies. Its a wonderful event. There’s some guy, he’s looking pimp, and he has beautiful people surrounding him. He’s winning. Big time. He turns to the girl next to him, “Blow my dice, big tits!” Normally, a woman would be offended at such a comment.

Not at a craps table. Smiling like she had just won the Ms. America crown, she blows on his dice and he tosses.. and…

YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!!!!

I was walking down the street not 3 days ago when I saw this gorgeous woman. I wanted to tell her how amazing she looked. Hell, maybe the Critic would get a date! So I tried to think of a great way to tell her. Then it came to my mind. The Craps table! YES! So, I walked up to her, I smiled, like I was Sean Connory, and I said:

“Hey, Big Tits, blow my dice!”

She slapped me.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But the truth this, I have the luck that most people do when they go to Vegas. Which is to say: none. I go like everyone else, and I smoke 16 packs of cigarettes a day, which I buy from the casino at 10$ a pack, and I play the slots, and I drink for free. But the alcohol does not help my brain. It makes me think that, yes, I am a winner. I am not a winner. The slots are really laughing at you the entire time, you just don’t realize it.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But as I said, I’ve been to Vegas. I’m sure you have too. And the truth is, Vegas is not like the excitement you see on TV and in the movies. There are no beautiful people standing around a hot shooter at the craps table. The real Vegas is much more different, because the beautiful young people are too POOR to blow all their money at the Craps table. They’re by the pool until fuckin Cris Angel has his show come on. Or the Blue Man Group. Or, they’ve already spent all their money on hookers, because no sex is like professional sex. Trust me, I know.

The real Vegas is much different, yes.. It is a bunch of old people sitting around playing video poker and penny slots, chain smoking and eyeballing an entire row of machines. If you try to touch one of their machines, they will likely chop your arm off with a machete. How they snuck a machete into a casino, I don’t know. My guess is that security knows they’re old and only protecting their slots, and will not openly attack people unless provoked. Also, when they have to get up to pee, since their depends is full at the moment, they put a pad lock on the machines. This is not fair or fun. Therefore, the real Vegas…. well it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Except for the prostitutes.

Moving on I have one more subject to tackle before we get into the art, finesse, and necessity that is: Vampire Hunting.

I know, I’m taking forever to get to it, know why? CUZ I CAN! I find that most of the things I do in life is for that reason. Its a beautiful way to live. Trust me on this one.

Bluray!

Bluray is awesome. The picture is great, the sound is amazing, and it takes DVD and bends it over a table and rapes it mercilessly all the while cackling evilly into the night! If you do not own a bluray player, you probably should, because if you don’t own one, you just straight suck right? Right. But the benefit of owning a bluray player will bring you to my next point of FUCK OFF!

Because I own a bluray player, I have since bought.. OMG! can you believe this next one… I have bought… BLURAY DISCS! Now, as an owner of said lovelies, I have found one thing about them that pisses me off to no end. It is this:

Every Bluray disc starts with the same advertisement.

“Here.. we…go!” BLURAY OMGOMGOMG ITS SO AWESOME IT’LL EAT YOUR VEGGIES FOR YOU! THE ENTIRE STATE OF NEW JERSEY LOVES BLURAY! YOUR MOM LOVES BLURAY! IF YOU DON’T OWN BLURAY YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL! PRESIDENT OBAMA HATES YOUR NON BLURAY OWNING SILLY SORRY ASS! ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DVD! HOW MUCH BETTER? DVD SUCKS AND BLURAY DOEEESSNNN’TTT!! SO GET BLURAY TODAYTODAYTODAY!!

Only this advertisement takes about 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Also, you cannot skip through it. If you do not fast forward, you are forced to watch it. This really pisses me off, because.. motherfuckers.. I ALREADY OWN THE PRODUCT! You fucking win ok!? Leave me the fuck alone and stop advertising! Your advertising worked already now SHUT THE FUCK UP! Its the most retarded redundant ad ever in the history of the world, times two. plus infinity. pi.

I can’t fucking stand it, and neither should you. We should not be subjected to bluray advertising.. on a bluray..which I’m watching on my bluray player. Seriously this makes me want to do one thing and one thing only. Burn down the building where this ad was thought up, made, and mass produced.

What I’ve done here is show fine examples of answers to the most popular question I seem to get: Where do you think this shit up?

I don’t think it up, its real life. And the answers are truth. The truth is not some kind of creative thought up ploy to prove a point. The truth is the truth. Simple dimple, bitches.

Now lets talk about vampires and shit woop! are you ready? I’m so ready I can’t hardly hold it! I didn’t hold it! I just peed myself. Thanks a lot for getting me excited. Jerks.

My credentials on vampires. Hmm. Well, I have shown you all that I can read books, especially with my references to the Twilight series of books, and my critique of their poor literary performances. I’ve shown my ability to spot the undead in the form of Zombies, and I have gone to great measures to prepare you all for the undead attack. The simple fact is, the mindless droves of Zombies which will be attacking any day now, cannot be the only undead creature out there, so if you truly wish to survive, you must let your survival instincts take control and force you to read, to learn, and eventually combat against all forms of undead. I myself have slain many vampires, as I follow in the footsteps of the greatness of my predecessors.

Before we get to hunting vampires, I’d like to talk about the realness of vampires.

Vampires are real blood sucking creatures from the black lagoon of the world that are waiting in nearly every shadow to kill you, drink your blood, and take your wallet! That’s right, they are cleptos who steal. What proof of this do I have? Well..

Vampires *can* hold a job. They are very good at doing a job, especially since they have eons to perfect a skill at any job. The problem of aging comes into play. How do you retire at 65 when you still look 20, and you’re really 437 yrs old? You can’t. But it takes money to survive in the world anymore, and therefore, they steal your wallet or purse, because every kill is not only dinner, but pay day. Not a bad gig. 

Can vampires walk in the sun? Most traditional stories say no, but many say yes. The truth is yes, they can. But they are in a devastatingly weak state by doing so. The sun hurts like fuck and so they have to wear sunglasses. This is a point I understand all too well, as I cannot stand the sunlight either, and therefore always wear sunglasses. Even at night. That’s right Corey Hart, you’re not the only one.

Sorry!

 

Anyways, so Vampires are evil, they are creepy crawly and YES they are all ages *in looks* and all over the place. EVEN they can be teenagers, much to my anti-twilight dismay. But, when they are teenage looking, they do not live in places where its cloudy and go to high school over and over again. Take for instance the Lost Boys, which was based on a true story. They didn’t go to school.. FUCK NO! They did what they wanted to, all the time, and what teenager EVER wants to go to school? NONE OF THEM!

Some vampires are weaker than others. Some are goddamn awesome powers of evil incarnate that you wouldn’t want to be near. I mean, anyone can take out a weak vampire, all it takes is the proper weaponry which we’ll get into later. But there are some vampires that take a real hunter to to bring down. These guys know how to avoid being seen, detected, and ultimately, defeated. It takes a true hunter, and possibly an undead hunter to bring them down. These are the kinds of vampires you have to be especially careful of folks.

Be careful when you see a vampire in general, yes, but be more careful when you see one who looks innocent, but has that air about them that says: I could kick your ass at tetris.

Finally though, before we move on to the hunters, remember: Not all vampires are bad. Some of them could be your best friend. So like with thugs, don’t assume they’re all out to kill you, some of them just wanna party, have a good time, and be friendly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I just got through all of that without ripping on Twilight too bad. Are you impressed? Well I’m not. Neither are Apple Fanbois. If there’s one thing we’ve come to expect from me its cookies. If there are two, then it is cookies AND Twilight Hate. And when there is no Twilight Hate, it is replaced with Apple Hate. Sometimes you get both, and then its BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIE!

So, for all you who love Apple. This ones for you. 

Do vampires sparkle? I mean really? Do they?

NO! VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Weak ones burn in the sunlight, strong ones are weak in it. Its fact. There are lots of things that sparkle in the sunlight though. Like Jewelry. Diamonds. A clean pretty car. The ocean sparkles in the bright sun too. 

And here is another thing for you: Faggots covered in glitter sparkle in the sunlight. Notice the resemblance between this fag covered in glitter and Edward? THEY BOTH SPARKLE!

Conclusion: Only inanimate objects and faggots covered in glitter sparkle the sun. Fact.

Hunters

There have been many great hunters before me. Many! Its time to pay them a bit of homage, yes? Lets do it then!

Buffy

She was not only a fierce and awesome slayer of vampires, but she was also sexy as fuck while she did it. So important was her slaying that a movie and TV show was made honoring her works. There are no real photos of Buffy out there, but it is said that Sarah Michelle Geller was cast in the show because she was “An exact twin” says one source.

Van Helsing

He was not only a professor of medicine, but also a notorious vampire hunter. Truth be told, he did not kill many vampires. Only a handful, and the most IMPORTANT of all vampires: Count Dracula.

Someone had to kill that ageless bastard who was terrorizing Transylvania, and Arthur Van Helsing was just the right man for the job.

Blade

This guy was/is half vampire himself. This helps him a great deal, because to defeat the greatest of immortal enemies, being half immortal doesn’t hurt your chances for victory, does it? He is a badass of epic proportions, which is why the role in the documentary about him was played by Wesley Snipes. They needed a black badass, and there’s no black badass quite as badasstastic as Wesley Snipes. He’s so fucking tough he said FUCK YOU AMERICA! And didn’t pay taxes. Now he’s a bitch to a bigger black badass. Poor Snipes.

Abraham Lincoln

Wait what? I bet your confused now! That’s right, our darling 16th president, who freed the slaves and won the civil war single handedly was one of the most deadly hunters of vampires the world has ever seen. And there is information to back it, a book written, finally, the true untold story of our beloved president. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I’ve read it, and now I’m going to tell you about it. Its important stuff, so its good for you to know.

This educational tutorial into the truth of one of the most pivotal presidents in American history is a must read. It’s a fairly easy read and it’s relatively short.  Here’s why it took me a while: I researched and cross referenced everything while I read this book, so in addition to the book, I read three times as much in history, to get the story, and the author who took most of this book directly from the diary of Abe Lincoln, also filled in the rest of the information for the reader with fact. I’ve done all the researching, and seriously, he didn’t make up the events that happened. Its impressive. Needless to say, I was shocked.

The story tells of of Abe’s life, starting as a young lad, his distaste for taking life, and his sorrow at seeing slaves being taken to auction. But it was when Abe’s dear mother was killed by a vampire, because of his fathers careless unpaid debts, that our hero took it upon himself, to rid the United States of America of all vampires. He was going to need some help though, and throughout his life, he found help when he needed it.

As you can see from the cover photograph of this book, which is an actual photo of Abe, he was very fond of his foresting axe. He didn’t use a plethora of weapons to assist him in his annihilation of vampires, but he did use useful weapons. And his axe was one.  In truth, it was his weapon of choice. This is why you see Abe wearing a long coat in nearly every photograph of him, for he never left home without his trust companion. Also, what you didn’t see hidden in that long coat of his were one of the most important of vampire hunting weapons. Stakes. As we all know, a stake through the heart is almost a guaranteed kill of a vampire. But, Abe was thorough, and he would also chop of the head. This made him a great man. This untold story is not embellished with all kinds of flowery writing. Its straight forwards and direct. When he killed, he did it quickly, it was not some goddamned 5 hour epic battle. It was stake, chop, leave and go home.  The  book has many captivating pictures of Abe in various stages of his life, and in many of them you can see just how close vampire assassins were to Abe at all times. This book is a must read for vampire lovers, and history buffs, and ANY American who wants to know more about history of their country. Go get it. NOW! 

I am not usually a fan of nonfiction, but this book is a rare exception. It has all the elements of truth to make it a masterpiece even if it is all straight fact. My grade is thus an easy A+

Throughout this book you will also read about the techniques used by Abe in his quest to conquer evil, and take them to heart, for there are too many to write here, and I don’t want to ruin the story for you. Be sure to put it at the top of your reading list, because the war against the undead is never over, and only the strong, and prepared will survive.