Ruined.

We all fucking know that the internet,  was first developed by Al Gore. Thank you, Mr. Gore.  As we all know though, the internet was invented for three things and three things only.

1. So assholes like me can push their opinions on people and make them believe it’s give them the light of truth.
2. Youtube. You know you watch it. Religiously, often. And you fucking love it you lushes.
3. Porn. Don’t try and convince me you don’t read it, watch it, look at it, enjoy it. I know differently.

But you, you asshole motherfuckers. You have ruined the internet. You know how you are, and you know what you did. Its not ok, and we’re not going to be putting up with it. Its not porn, its not opinions, and its not fucking you tube. Goddamn it, where do you think you’re getting off here making shit like this. Well its not ok, and I for one am not going to let you get away with it.

I know what is and what isn’t cute. I do, I swear it to you with all my fiber. You however, have this idea of what is cute, and you are wrong. Let us start from the beginning.

cute

/kyut/ [kyoot]

adjective, cut·er, cut·est.

1. attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.

2. appealing and delightful; charming: What a cute toy!

3. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.

4. mentally keen; clever; shrewd.

noun

5. the cutes, Informal . self-consciously cute mannerisms or appeal; affected coyness: The young actress has a bad case of the cutes.

Dictionary.com tells us that much. Now I know what you’re thinking; what dear critic, what does the man code dictionary say?

Well allow me to enlighten you.

Cute is a reference to a woman, generally. If she is cute she is:

1. Attractive

2. Not attractive enough to be considered “hot”

3. Definitely fuckable.

That’s man code. Obviously now you see that I have proven myself fully in command when it comes to the knowledge of what is cute and what isn’t. Thus now that my credentials are sound and I have proven myself a genius in said category, it is once again time to revert back to what we’re talking about here.

The internet, it was invented for freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of video, and freedom of pornography. Then you came along, you sick sad motherfucker, and you ruined it.

How you ask? Easily, you ruined it with pictures like this:

That’s not cute, its disgusting. People think kittens must be cute, because there are thousands of pictures of them floating around the web. Its like a fad that should have never been. Like Hammer Pants. Yah, you had some, I know you did. Don’t fucking lie to me. The thing about kittens is, though they are cute, when you write something on said picture and you make it sound like they are retarded, you have thus rendered the picture not cute. Furthermore, when you misspelled the words on said picture, purposely, you made it even worse. Basically, you’re saying cats talk like they are retards.

Cats are not retards, they are cunning instinctive killers that would rather claw out your fucking eyeballs than snuggle with you. The only reason they deal with humans at all is because you feed them, and that brings us to our next point. If cats were humans, they’d be obese. That’s right, most cats would be unattractive 400 lbs land monsters. You know its fucking true, and further more, they are all obviously inbred bastards since they can’t speak right to save their lives. They have no jobs, and are living off of welfare. Thank God the government will take care of us all!

I really hate these pictures. They’re fucking awful.  Recently, I posted a picture on Facebook that was a cat showing off his massive balls, someone got offended. OFFENDED! To me they said: Lets do this to you and then we’ll all laugh. Well fuck yes you would, my balls are tiny. You wouldn’t laugh, you’d be in awe, bitch! So basically, what I’ve discovered is, not only do you retards out there who make these awful fucking pictures think they are cute, but you adamantly defend them. Well fuck you very much. Sure you’re entitled to your opinion..even though its wrong. Not my fault. But seriously, why do cats have to speak like retards? I think that’s what makes the pictures even more fucking unbearable. Perhaps if the pictures were made in such a manner to make the cats look intelligent they might be better. Lets face the truth together now, we’ll take a walk down the path of enlightenment. I fucking hate cats. Look, the fact is they’re kinda worthless. They don’t even look happy to see you. I have 2 dogs, both of them who are lazy as fuck. They won’t get a job, even though its up to me alone to knock out the rent every month which I find to be terribly unfair. But whatever, at least when I get home after a day at the office they are happy to see me. Scratch that, maybe they’re not happy to see me… but they fucking pretend REALLY well to be happy to see me, and it has me convinced so who fucking cares? I’m happier when they lie to me anyways, just like women. Women are very good at lying to me, why? Because its easier than the truth. Well I’m good with that too. So my lying asshole lazy unemployed dogs pretend to be excited to see me. So what? So I give them more food and water and don’t put their asses out on the street is what, cock sucker! Cats don’t do that shit. You’re probably saying, my cat does. I’m sure. Everyone has this amazing feline companion that makes their entire world complete. That’s why cats have such a good reputation, right? Now I’ll admit it. There are exceptions to the every rule.. but they are exceptions, not standards.

So, I’ve devised a fail safe system to end all retarded kitty cat pictures on the internet. BEHOLD!!!! THE POWER!!!!

Will it blend guy would be cumming in his fucking pants if he saw this shit, you know its fucking true. And if you don’t know who he is… wake the fuck up and get out of your cave. Fuck, man.

www.willitblend.com

 

I’m sure PETA will be up my ass for this, but I don’t fucking care. They are goat lovers anyways. And I mean goat lovers in the sense of literally, they fuck goats. The need that shit. Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad.

That was a good joke, fuck you. So fuck you cute cat loving PETA ass fuckers. Know what else I have for you, PETA? You murder shit just like the rest of us. And you ingest that shit just like the rest of us too, so fuckin a man, get out of my goddamned fucking sandbox!

As with every other blog I’ve written, I think this shit out thoroughly and let it never be said that I don’t try and cover all my bases. So, with this one, I tried to make my own cute animal pictures. I’m not sure how it went, but I didn’t just do it with cats, oh fucking no, I used all kinds of animals. Wanna see? Of course you do, you need it. You need it bad. And I’m here to give it to you, I’m gonna give it to you good.

For my first attempt I tried an obscure animal you don’t see get a lot of publicity. Anteaters.

I’m not exactly sure what anteaters do.. other than eat ants. But I know that ants are annoying as fuck, and therefore they should be eaten. I’ve tried it before, its ok, its at least as good as ramen. Notice the correct spelling and what not. He also doesn’t speak in pluralsisis’s.

For my second attempt, I tried a canine, but so I don’t seem racist or anything, I didn’t use my own canines. I showed off some ethnic love too, by picking one from Africa. I thought it was great.. reviews showed it was not well received. Ahh well. I used some slang in there, but to avoid racism, I didn’t make him speak in plurals.

 

Since that didn’t seem to work too well, apparently the picture wasn’t cute. Maybe, I thought, maybe only felines are cute. So I picked a feline as you can see here, on attempt number 3. I couldn’t find one playing with string or anything, so I figured I’d just make it as honest as I could. Again, didn’t have that “cute” factor that everyone seems to be going for these days.

This experimenting took its toll on me. I was having no success. Obviously I was distraught. I was downtrodden, and I was also depressed. And so, with a great deal of reluctance, I decided finally I would try to make cute cat pictures with real, lovable, every day house hold kitties. Again though, I could not make them speak like retards, because that just seems wrong.

The first one, I know what you’re thinking.. Oh my God critic! That cat is so fucking cute! Riiigghhtt? Yah, you see, kittens can never be cute because they grow up into cats. So no matter how “cute” you think they are, the premonition of knowing how they will eventually turn out keeps them from ever being cute. Fact.

And so, it is with these failed attempts at being “cute” that I formed my opinion, and brought us to this point. So here is my plea: STOP FUCKING PUTTING “CUTE” KITTY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET!

or I’ll blend your cat. no shit man, it’ll happen.

Censored!

Ever feel like you know some how, somewhere, you’re getting fucked, big time! And I’m not talking about someone slipped you a roofie or some asshat has used the force on you.

No I’m talking about you feel like you’ve been fucked by some assclown who didn’t have the common courtesy to use lube or give you a reach around! Who is this bastard!? He is THE MAN! The one and only. He does this to you sometimes, and you may not even realize it. I have realized it. Its happening to me everyday, and its happening to you too!

I’ve already explained my credentials to you, but I’ll tell you again. I my friends, I am being censored RIGHT NOW! I know this to be truth. Maybe you haven’t experienced it to the full extent that I have, but you’re getting the hammer put to you as we speak! So because I’m being censored, I am perfectly capable of explaining more censorship than most people, and I’m not just talking about porn here!

We’ve discussed censorship to a certain extent, but other than searching for awesome pornographic materials, we’ve not really gone much more into it. Now, lets dabble in the extreme. Buckle up bitches, its time to ride this rollercoaster of madness into the abyss!

Maybe you’ve had this bullshit happen to you, maybe you haven’t. I have it happen all the time. Cellphones are the devil as we all know, and to my adoring fans who send me awesome messages which I receive on my cell phone, I thank you. The rest of you who send those messages and hear nothing from me. Its bullshit right? Totally. Here’s what really pisses me off, if I take the time to sacrifice my thumbs to send you a message from my awesome phone, you should get it, plain and simple. And yet you don’t. And sometimes you send ME a message, sacrificing your thumbs in the process, and yet I don’t receive it. This is the man trying to limit my out reach. You blame me, my phone, my lack of caring to respond, but its just not true! Its all Uncle fucking Sam taking care of me, trying to keep me from spreading the truth. We don’t want that do we? No we don’t, but does Uncle Sam really care what we want? FUCK NO! I did some research and here is what I’ve discovered:

Jan. 4, 2011 – Washington D.C.

In a unanimous vote today the House of Representatives passed a bill to begin censorship of a certain self proclaimed “Prophet of Truth” based out of Colorado. His vicious words rival that of any critic out in the world, and this Doctor of information is to have the proverbial gag put over his mouth. The bill includes a budget of 12.5 Billion US dollars to bring silence through all forms of social media, personal cellular telephone usage, and even so far as prohibit the sale of anything that may be burned – the explanation to this, is to keep him “From sending smoke signals. This man is dangerous and very resourceful, and we must silence him in all forms possible.” (Rep. Michael E. Capuano, Mass.)

The Bill went to the Senate with no delay or red tape, and the preliminary vote showed an easy pass, in an act of uncanny bipartisanship, both the House and Senate voted unanimously to have this bomb dropped on “the critic”. Says Nancy Pelosi, “This is a true day of democracy, and a victory for Democrats and Republicans alike.” With the immediate signature of the President, the Bill has gone into effect.

ABC NEWS

There you have it. Fact, proof, and a straight up, game, set, match, bitches! It is at this time that I’d like to point out that it is not, in fact, my “Shitty ass Blackberry” that keeps me from receiving all forms of communication, and it is not my fault. I do find it somewhat surprising that my Berry has been silenced- since it is made in Socialist Canadia, and as we all know, the current regime in America is trying to send us to socialism, but that is besides the point. The point is, no matter what you say, my device works properly and is not, in fact, “Broken as fuck.” thank you very much.

So basically what you’re seeing is a bitch slap happen. If you send me a text and I don’t get it, don’t blame me. If I send you something and you don’t get it, don’t blame me. It seems that sometimes the most reliable form of communication is email, but even that might get the gag soon. So, petition, petition my friends, to try and stop the government from silencing the unstoppable, unsilencable critic. If I have to, I’ll move to keep bringing you the truth. But just remember. Sometimes, its out of my control.

Has this happened to you? It might have, if so, I feel your pain. If it has not, then you may count yourself as one of the fortunate ones. But the government in every state, town, province, city, county, and dirt patch in the lower 48 has already put a form of censorship in place to keep you from being free, truly free. You feel the grip on your neck yet? Oh yes, lets show you just how bad you have it and you don’t even KNOW!

Have you guessed it yet? That’s right, children, I’m talking about Local Law Enforcement Agencies. Formally known as: COPS!

They come in many ways shapes and forms. From City PD, to County Sheriff, State Patrol, and Highway Patrol. These people are here for one reason, and one reason only: To fucking make you hate life. These bastards are so self glorified, they’ve made multiple tv dramas based on them, which I like to call all of them “COP DRAMA” – sometimes you have “Cop Drama, LA!” or “Cop Drama, NYC!” but they are all the same. There’s even a real life documentary show of cops busting bad guys, which is cleverly named: COPS.

Cops themselves come in not many ways shapes and forms, there are two typical forms of cops. A male one, who is a grotesquely overweight asshole, and a female raging bull dyke asshole.

You know, I’ve run into a lot of cops in my day, and every time it happens its because I’m “Breaking the law” – ie. I’m speeding. Well who gets to decide how fast I should drive? Certainly not some over weight pig headed asshat with a badge. That’s not right at all! I didn’t get to be privy as to this decision making process, why do I have to adhere to it? These are not my rules, and I think that I should have some say in the rules in which I am forced to abide by. And every time I’m pulled over for “speeding” I think to myself, shouldn’t this dickhead be doing something more important? Like, I know there are identity thieves and meth addicts and rapists that are out there that really should deserve the attention of this fuck stick more than my doing 7 miles per hour over the speed limit. I know you’ve thought it too.

But who are cops, really? Other than a dick with a badge and a gun, who are they, on the inside? I’ll tell you who. Remember that kid in highschool you used to pick on? His name was like, Dwayne or something. Dwayne was a retard and you used to slap him daily. Why? Because you could. And it made him tear up, which was hilarious. Well, you see, Dwayne grew up, and he wanted revenge. So he became a cop. He made it through a mediocre training process, given a gun, and authority, and now he’s out for YOU. Every time he sees you, he fumes with the hatred of a thousand fires of hell, and he is ready to exact his revenge. If you run, he’ll shoot you. Why? Because he can. If you don’t run, he’ll give you a ticket. Why? Because you kinda tear up every time, and that’s fucking hilarious.

Now, here’s the real kicker. Congratulations, you pay this fuckstick’s salary! That’s right, friends, you pay this asshole to sit in a car on the side of the road, and “Fight Crime!” Fighting crime means to enjoy his free coffee and doughnut from 7/11. While he waits for you to pass, going just a little bit too fast and BOOM! You are officially fucked. Granted, there’s a liquor store being robbed that very moment, and a drunk asshole beating his wife, and a stalker who is watching some unknowing soul. Not to mention the tweaker who just stole my credit card number so he could score more meth. No, those people are not important. It is you, in your speeding car that is the real danger to society, you monkey fucker!

Not only do we pay their salary, but we also pay for that pretty ride they sit in, which, have you ever noticed, is a REALLY nice car? I’ve seen all kinds of awesome cop cars, none of which was an 83 Honda POS. Why? Because why the fuck should they have to ride in a shitty car like you? Fuck you, only top of the line shit for them! And if that’s not bad enough, they also have, from what I’ve seen recently, gas guzzling muscle cars for a ride. What the fuck. Gas is like $3.50 a gallon any more! What the fuck is going on here, why are we not only paying their salary, but also for the car they drive, the insurance associated with said car, AND the gas they get out of those shitty hogs! If you ask me, if we have to pay for ALL of that, then how about we give them a car that gets good gas mileage. It doesn’t even have to be a piece of shit either, we can give them good new cars, that are safe and will last until Jesus comes back to the earth. I’m talking a Prius here. Or a Mo-Ped. Something that gets like 700 miles to the gallon. That’d free up some government spending, ya? You think!?

Here’s some more insulting news. These guys are out there for our own good. They’re there to take down bad guys and save us innocents on the road. In fact, almost every police department has the same awesome slogan that makes you think: Hey, this fat fuck is on MY side! What slogan is that? To Protect and Serve.

They love that slogan so much, that it becomes a staple of their existence. I live to serve and protect. bitches.  Ok seriously, who does a job to serve and protect? No one! I do my job not so I can enhance peoples lives. Fuck no. I do my job for a paycheck! And also because no one will pay me to write a bunch of crap insulting any and everyone I can think of that falls in my sights at any given moment, mores the pity.

Yah that’s right, I bring you all the truth not for a paycheck, but out of love! Love for you, my friends, and for the truth, and for the knowledge of knowing that I am bringing you the truth! But if someone would pay me for it, I’d bring a whole bunch more bullshit truth to you whenever I feel like it often. But back to the case at hand. They are so proud of protect and serve the put it on cars, badges, patches, and signs. And on tv shows. But it’s a lie, isn’t it?

No! Its not a lie! Don’t you know? The DO protect and serve. They protect you from speeding.. and serve you with a ticket when you DO actually speed! That’s a service that is priceless.

So to recap a final analysis of these enforcers of your censorship:

You pay for their awesome fast gas guzzling car, the insurance and maintenance on it, and the assholes salary who is sitting inside it waiting for you to SPEED so he can pull you over, and write you a ticket so you can give MORE money to the state. Who in their right minds ever thought this was a good idea? Who ever it was deserves to be beaten to death with spoons. Yah, fucking spoons. That’d be a slow painful process to go through, so they know, just before they die, and for hours before that, they they are the fucking assholes who ruined my drive to work. Fuck you censorship, and fuck the assholes who are putting the gag on me. I’m breaking free, I know you’re with me! Now lets go do something awesome, like kill people, because so long as we’re not speeding on the way home, those lazy pigs will never find the bodies in our trunks!