Halloween

The name says it all bitches. No secret subliminal messages as to what this entry is about. Before we get into that bullshit, lets talk about something. If you’re a facebook reader, then you know what I’m about to say.

If you’re not. Hi, I’m The Critic.

As you know, I took the month of September off. Its not because I wanted to, or needed to, or whatever. Well ok, that’s a lie, I pretty much do whatever I like all the time so who am I kidding? I could give all kinds of reasons and excuses but what it comes down to is really:

That’s right, writers block. I’ve found the more bullshit I write, the less bullshit I have to write about. So ideas bitches. That’s your homework assignment. Get ideas and give them to me, you can send them here, you can send them directly to Facebook. Just fucking send them or I’ll send a Cyclops to your house to eat your babies. Count on it.

Halloween, it’s a fun time for all, but what was it originally and how did it evolve into what we find today? Lets dig deep and strap in fuckers, its time to roll.

I have celebrated Halloween my whole entire life. All 6 years of it. That’s including the time before AND after the coma. I’ve celebrated it in multiple different states as well as countries. I know how to drink, and eat candy. I also know how to dress myself, though I learned that only recently. Being an expert now on this subject, lets get to the real shit this fucking blog has to educate you before Halloween so you know how to properly enjoy it to its fullest potential.

Let’s talk about what the never wrong Wikipedia has to say about Halloween:

Historian Nicholas Rogers, exploring the origins of Halloween notes that while “some folklorists have detected its origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead  called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain, whose original spelling was Samuin.  The name of the festival historically kept by the Gaels and celts in the British Isles which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summers end”

What the fuck does all that mean? It means that there is not one explanation as to where this night of dressing up has come from, or more so that it comes from many different cultures, but what these learned scholars fail to realize is all of their ideas are probably right, and that it all stems back to the harvest time. Hence the pumpkin. But who really gives a shit? At some point we decided, as a race, globally, to stop being such ignorant superstitious bastards, and that this holiday would become a celebration of something more fun that being worried about ghosts goblins and harvesting shit.

I wonder who the first guy to say “Hey fuck this bullshit, lets dress up as dead things and eat candy!!” was. “And we’ll ask our neighbors for candy, and we’ll use a clever phrase… trick.. or treat. Which means, my friends, if they don’t give us candy… we’ll… BURN DOWN THEIR FUCKIN HOUSE!” *crickets* “WHO IS WITH ME!?” ….. a few moments pass and then the resounding cheer roars through the crowd, thus Halloween was born. How do I know it went down like that? Time travel is a hobby of mine. So fuck off.

You think its for your kids, and sure it is.. but its also for the big kids out there, it was STARTED for us big kids. Only we don’t like just candy, and we don’t wanna see masks and witches. We wanna see masks, goblins and the like for the guys. But Halloween was invented by man, and by MAN I mean MAN, MAN! Male. Have you noticed, now that you’re a growed up, that every woman's costume is some version of hoe? You’re welcome fellas. That’s right, Halloween is the one night a year where a girl can dress like a slut and other girls won’t say shit to her. Why? Because it’s the spirit of the season motha fucka!

Halloween was invented now, for one more reason to add to the list:

That’s right. It’s a sexist time of year that we all celebrate. You guys out there get eye candy that you love and need. You ladies get  to dress like your inner slut desires every day. It’s a win win situation.

Now you might be saying, wait a second critic, just hold one one minute. You’re full of shit, this is totally wrong.

You think? Well then prepare to meet the truth bitch!

You know me. You’ve been around for long enough and read enough of my ramblings to know that there is only one true way to survive the future and that is to become a pirate. Here you see on your left, a real pirate. He looks the part, sword, guns, jewelry. BOOTY!

But this Halloween look for the local bicycle to dress as a pirate and you’re gonna see a very different kind of booty, one that if you’re a guy or Ellen you’ll find much more better. Real booty, female booty. Git some.

Does this look like a pirate to you? No, its called slut clothes with a pirate hat. Guess what? I’m ok with that, but here you have the first step in the lesson of all Halloween is for is for the ladies of the earth to dress hoe like and slutty. It’s a wonderful holiday. Still disagreeing? I have more examples, don’t worry.

Another traditional Halloween costume that hits the world every year, never fail, is a witch. What is a witch? She’s a magic wielding badass who can curse your family and make your turn into a toad. She can also make you sleep for centuries. She can poison you, she can steal your soul.  She can ride a broom, lucky bitch. I’m not talking Harry Potter shit here folks, I’m talking real grotesque hags. And why are they such hags? Because dark magic is evil and it takes the life force which you possess to wield it with efficiency. And that’s what witches are after, real ultimate power.

But for Halloween you won’t see a haggish looking chick dressed like this holding a poison apple, oh fuck no, why the fuck would she do that? First off, the apple has no alcoholic value to it, secondly, your average chick does not want to look ugly, even when in costume.

Even as a witch you can look like a hoe, thus further proof that I am right.

But you want more proof, of course, because you’re a greedy little bitch, and that’s ok, because I am infused with the truth, and I’m a know it all son of a bitch. You say to me, Critic, witches aren’t  real! (which is bullshit) and Pirates aren’t real (which is bullshit, I am one) How about real things in this world! Ha, ok you twat rocket, I can play your game..

Cops are real motherfuckers who write me tickets all the time in their on going quest to restrict my freedoms and keep me quiet. It doesn’t work of course, because I’ll still keep breaking their laws which I don’t agree with and they can go take a flying fucking leap off of a building. DO YOU HEAR ME!? But they’re very real, and very scary, most of the time are over weight and the biggest assholes you’ve ever met.

And ladies, this year if you want to dress up like a cop, you can do that too, and as you can see here… you too will look like a hoe while doing it. I’m ok with it, and most of you seem like you are too, so why hide the fact that you’re not? Why keep up this game of smoke and mirrors, we all know the truth. At least I do, and I’m in the process of educating everyone. This holiday is for you. Show off the goods you slutty cop you. What? You need more? One more and then I’m done with you.

Bunny Rabbits are real. Not like that asshole bugs bunny, I mean real fuckers, the hippity hoppity all over the fucking place – especially into the front end of my car. How can you make a bunny sexy? Give me a fucking break, we’re men, and we make the rules, we know how to make anything sexy.

So this Halloween when you’re out getting your “trick or treat” on, or as I call it, “Gimme your candy or I’ll torch this shack!” – remember when you look upon a bunny walking down the street and know that yes, even this innocent costume was designed to make the wearer look like a whore. Its ok, we all do it, and you might appreciate it.. but really.. bunnies are not cute. Thank God for the male imagination.

Its ok that you dress like a whore on Halloween. Hell, I like it. I wish we had Halloween more times a year. Look ladies, the fact is, you can use Halloween as an excuse to bring out your inner hoe if you like, or you can go the more logical route. Let it fly ALL the time. Ever wonder why sluts seem so happy? Because they’re popular. Popularity makes one happy. That’s why most men suffer from clinical depression. We don’t have awesome features like boobs to flaunt all over town. We can’t use our sexuality at work to get promoted. Fact. You think it doesn’t happen still? Gimme a fucking break. It not only happens every day, but its something that men in power look for. Hell that’s why they GET INTO POWER! Happy Birthday Bill Clinton, I’m talking about you. JFK where ever you are, same. Hillary Clinton, you too (yes I know you like the muff)

So Happy Halloween my friends. Guys find your lame ass boring costumes, and ladies, which version of whore will you be this year? Make it a good one, and remember to keep those costumes- they double down for good role playing in the bedroom. Nurses, tigers, every thing in this world you can think of that’s your Halloween costume is made cut and tailored two sizes too small so you can hoe it out, if only for this one night a year. Or just dress up like a slut for Halloween. Fuckin A that works too! When I become president, we’re gonna have more than one Halloween, and it will be a National Holiday. How’s that for reason to vote for me? 2012 bitches, we’re almost there.

Censored!

Ever feel like you know some how, somewhere, you’re getting fucked, big time! And I’m not talking about someone slipped you a roofie or some asshat has used the force on you.

No I’m talking about you feel like you’ve been fucked by some assclown who didn’t have the common courtesy to use lube or give you a reach around! Who is this bastard!? He is THE MAN! The one and only. He does this to you sometimes, and you may not even realize it. I have realized it. Its happening to me everyday, and its happening to you too!

I’ve already explained my credentials to you, but I’ll tell you again. I my friends, I am being censored RIGHT NOW! I know this to be truth. Maybe you haven’t experienced it to the full extent that I have, but you’re getting the hammer put to you as we speak! So because I’m being censored, I am perfectly capable of explaining more censorship than most people, and I’m not just talking about porn here!

We’ve discussed censorship to a certain extent, but other than searching for awesome pornographic materials, we’ve not really gone much more into it. Now, lets dabble in the extreme. Buckle up bitches, its time to ride this rollercoaster of madness into the abyss!

Maybe you’ve had this bullshit happen to you, maybe you haven’t. I have it happen all the time. Cellphones are the devil as we all know, and to my adoring fans who send me awesome messages which I receive on my cell phone, I thank you. The rest of you who send those messages and hear nothing from me. Its bullshit right? Totally. Here’s what really pisses me off, if I take the time to sacrifice my thumbs to send you a message from my awesome phone, you should get it, plain and simple. And yet you don’t. And sometimes you send ME a message, sacrificing your thumbs in the process, and yet I don’t receive it. This is the man trying to limit my out reach. You blame me, my phone, my lack of caring to respond, but its just not true! Its all Uncle fucking Sam taking care of me, trying to keep me from spreading the truth. We don’t want that do we? No we don’t, but does Uncle Sam really care what we want? FUCK NO! I did some research and here is what I’ve discovered:

Jan. 4, 2011 – Washington D.C.

In a unanimous vote today the House of Representatives passed a bill to begin censorship of a certain self proclaimed “Prophet of Truth” based out of Colorado. His vicious words rival that of any critic out in the world, and this Doctor of information is to have the proverbial gag put over his mouth. The bill includes a budget of 12.5 Billion US dollars to bring silence through all forms of social media, personal cellular telephone usage, and even so far as prohibit the sale of anything that may be burned – the explanation to this, is to keep him “From sending smoke signals. This man is dangerous and very resourceful, and we must silence him in all forms possible.” (Rep. Michael E. Capuano, Mass.)

The Bill went to the Senate with no delay or red tape, and the preliminary vote showed an easy pass, in an act of uncanny bipartisanship, both the House and Senate voted unanimously to have this bomb dropped on “the critic”. Says Nancy Pelosi, “This is a true day of democracy, and a victory for Democrats and Republicans alike.” With the immediate signature of the President, the Bill has gone into effect.

ABC NEWS

There you have it. Fact, proof, and a straight up, game, set, match, bitches! It is at this time that I’d like to point out that it is not, in fact, my “Shitty ass Blackberry” that keeps me from receiving all forms of communication, and it is not my fault. I do find it somewhat surprising that my Berry has been silenced- since it is made in Socialist Canadia, and as we all know, the current regime in America is trying to send us to socialism, but that is besides the point. The point is, no matter what you say, my device works properly and is not, in fact, “Broken as fuck.” thank you very much.

So basically what you’re seeing is a bitch slap happen. If you send me a text and I don’t get it, don’t blame me. If I send you something and you don’t get it, don’t blame me. It seems that sometimes the most reliable form of communication is email, but even that might get the gag soon. So, petition, petition my friends, to try and stop the government from silencing the unstoppable, unsilencable critic. If I have to, I’ll move to keep bringing you the truth. But just remember. Sometimes, its out of my control.

Has this happened to you? It might have, if so, I feel your pain. If it has not, then you may count yourself as one of the fortunate ones. But the government in every state, town, province, city, county, and dirt patch in the lower 48 has already put a form of censorship in place to keep you from being free, truly free. You feel the grip on your neck yet? Oh yes, lets show you just how bad you have it and you don’t even KNOW!

Have you guessed it yet? That’s right, children, I’m talking about Local Law Enforcement Agencies. Formally known as: COPS!

They come in many ways shapes and forms. From City PD, to County Sheriff, State Patrol, and Highway Patrol. These people are here for one reason, and one reason only: To fucking make you hate life. These bastards are so self glorified, they’ve made multiple tv dramas based on them, which I like to call all of them “COP DRAMA” – sometimes you have “Cop Drama, LA!” or “Cop Drama, NYC!” but they are all the same. There’s even a real life documentary show of cops busting bad guys, which is cleverly named: COPS.

Cops themselves come in not many ways shapes and forms, there are two typical forms of cops. A male one, who is a grotesquely overweight asshole, and a female raging bull dyke asshole.

You know, I’ve run into a lot of cops in my day, and every time it happens its because I’m “Breaking the law” – ie. I’m speeding. Well who gets to decide how fast I should drive? Certainly not some over weight pig headed asshat with a badge. That’s not right at all! I didn’t get to be privy as to this decision making process, why do I have to adhere to it? These are not my rules, and I think that I should have some say in the rules in which I am forced to abide by. And every time I’m pulled over for “speeding” I think to myself, shouldn’t this dickhead be doing something more important? Like, I know there are identity thieves and meth addicts and rapists that are out there that really should deserve the attention of this fuck stick more than my doing 7 miles per hour over the speed limit. I know you’ve thought it too.

But who are cops, really? Other than a dick with a badge and a gun, who are they, on the inside? I’ll tell you who. Remember that kid in highschool you used to pick on? His name was like, Dwayne or something. Dwayne was a retard and you used to slap him daily. Why? Because you could. And it made him tear up, which was hilarious. Well, you see, Dwayne grew up, and he wanted revenge. So he became a cop. He made it through a mediocre training process, given a gun, and authority, and now he’s out for YOU. Every time he sees you, he fumes with the hatred of a thousand fires of hell, and he is ready to exact his revenge. If you run, he’ll shoot you. Why? Because he can. If you don’t run, he’ll give you a ticket. Why? Because you kinda tear up every time, and that’s fucking hilarious.

Now, here’s the real kicker. Congratulations, you pay this fuckstick’s salary! That’s right, friends, you pay this asshole to sit in a car on the side of the road, and “Fight Crime!” Fighting crime means to enjoy his free coffee and doughnut from 7/11. While he waits for you to pass, going just a little bit too fast and BOOM! You are officially fucked. Granted, there’s a liquor store being robbed that very moment, and a drunk asshole beating his wife, and a stalker who is watching some unknowing soul. Not to mention the tweaker who just stole my credit card number so he could score more meth. No, those people are not important. It is you, in your speeding car that is the real danger to society, you monkey fucker!

Not only do we pay their salary, but we also pay for that pretty ride they sit in, which, have you ever noticed, is a REALLY nice car? I’ve seen all kinds of awesome cop cars, none of which was an 83 Honda POS. Why? Because why the fuck should they have to ride in a shitty car like you? Fuck you, only top of the line shit for them! And if that’s not bad enough, they also have, from what I’ve seen recently, gas guzzling muscle cars for a ride. What the fuck. Gas is like $3.50 a gallon any more! What the fuck is going on here, why are we not only paying their salary, but also for the car they drive, the insurance associated with said car, AND the gas they get out of those shitty hogs! If you ask me, if we have to pay for ALL of that, then how about we give them a car that gets good gas mileage. It doesn’t even have to be a piece of shit either, we can give them good new cars, that are safe and will last until Jesus comes back to the earth. I’m talking a Prius here. Or a Mo-Ped. Something that gets like 700 miles to the gallon. That’d free up some government spending, ya? You think!?

Here’s some more insulting news. These guys are out there for our own good. They’re there to take down bad guys and save us innocents on the road. In fact, almost every police department has the same awesome slogan that makes you think: Hey, this fat fuck is on MY side! What slogan is that? To Protect and Serve.

They love that slogan so much, that it becomes a staple of their existence. I live to serve and protect. bitches.  Ok seriously, who does a job to serve and protect? No one! I do my job not so I can enhance peoples lives. Fuck no. I do my job for a paycheck! And also because no one will pay me to write a bunch of crap insulting any and everyone I can think of that falls in my sights at any given moment, mores the pity.

Yah that’s right, I bring you all the truth not for a paycheck, but out of love! Love for you, my friends, and for the truth, and for the knowledge of knowing that I am bringing you the truth! But if someone would pay me for it, I’d bring a whole bunch more bullshit truth to you whenever I feel like it often. But back to the case at hand. They are so proud of protect and serve the put it on cars, badges, patches, and signs. And on tv shows. But it’s a lie, isn’t it?

No! Its not a lie! Don’t you know? The DO protect and serve. They protect you from speeding.. and serve you with a ticket when you DO actually speed! That’s a service that is priceless.

So to recap a final analysis of these enforcers of your censorship:

You pay for their awesome fast gas guzzling car, the insurance and maintenance on it, and the assholes salary who is sitting inside it waiting for you to SPEED so he can pull you over, and write you a ticket so you can give MORE money to the state. Who in their right minds ever thought this was a good idea? Who ever it was deserves to be beaten to death with spoons. Yah, fucking spoons. That’d be a slow painful process to go through, so they know, just before they die, and for hours before that, they they are the fucking assholes who ruined my drive to work. Fuck you censorship, and fuck the assholes who are putting the gag on me. I’m breaking free, I know you’re with me! Now lets go do something awesome, like kill people, because so long as we’re not speeding on the way home, those lazy pigs will never find the bodies in our trunks!