Ruined.

We all fucking know that the internet,  was first developed by Al Gore. Thank you, Mr. Gore.  As we all know though, the internet was invented for three things and three things only.

1. So assholes like me can push their opinions on people and make them believe it’s give them the light of truth.
2. Youtube. You know you watch it. Religiously, often. And you fucking love it you lushes.
3. Porn. Don’t try and convince me you don’t read it, watch it, look at it, enjoy it. I know differently.

But you, you asshole motherfuckers. You have ruined the internet. You know how you are, and you know what you did. Its not ok, and we’re not going to be putting up with it. Its not porn, its not opinions, and its not fucking you tube. Goddamn it, where do you think you’re getting off here making shit like this. Well its not ok, and I for one am not going to let you get away with it.

I know what is and what isn’t cute. I do, I swear it to you with all my fiber. You however, have this idea of what is cute, and you are wrong. Let us start from the beginning.

cute

/kyut/ [kyoot]

adjective, cut·er, cut·est.

1. attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.

2. appealing and delightful; charming: What a cute toy!

3. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.

4. mentally keen; clever; shrewd.

noun

5. the cutes, Informal . self-consciously cute mannerisms or appeal; affected coyness: The young actress has a bad case of the cutes.

Dictionary.com tells us that much. Now I know what you’re thinking; what dear critic, what does the man code dictionary say?

Well allow me to enlighten you.

Cute is a reference to a woman, generally. If she is cute she is:

1. Attractive

2. Not attractive enough to be considered “hot”

3. Definitely fuckable.

That’s man code. Obviously now you see that I have proven myself fully in command when it comes to the knowledge of what is cute and what isn’t. Thus now that my credentials are sound and I have proven myself a genius in said category, it is once again time to revert back to what we’re talking about here.

The internet, it was invented for freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of video, and freedom of pornography. Then you came along, you sick sad motherfucker, and you ruined it.

How you ask? Easily, you ruined it with pictures like this:

That’s not cute, its disgusting. People think kittens must be cute, because there are thousands of pictures of them floating around the web. Its like a fad that should have never been. Like Hammer Pants. Yah, you had some, I know you did. Don’t fucking lie to me. The thing about kittens is, though they are cute, when you write something on said picture and you make it sound like they are retarded, you have thus rendered the picture not cute. Furthermore, when you misspelled the words on said picture, purposely, you made it even worse. Basically, you’re saying cats talk like they are retards.

Cats are not retards, they are cunning instinctive killers that would rather claw out your fucking eyeballs than snuggle with you. The only reason they deal with humans at all is because you feed them, and that brings us to our next point. If cats were humans, they’d be obese. That’s right, most cats would be unattractive 400 lbs land monsters. You know its fucking true, and further more, they are all obviously inbred bastards since they can’t speak right to save their lives. They have no jobs, and are living off of welfare. Thank God the government will take care of us all!

I really hate these pictures. They’re fucking awful.  Recently, I posted a picture on Facebook that was a cat showing off his massive balls, someone got offended. OFFENDED! To me they said: Lets do this to you and then we’ll all laugh. Well fuck yes you would, my balls are tiny. You wouldn’t laugh, you’d be in awe, bitch! So basically, what I’ve discovered is, not only do you retards out there who make these awful fucking pictures think they are cute, but you adamantly defend them. Well fuck you very much. Sure you’re entitled to your opinion..even though its wrong. Not my fault. But seriously, why do cats have to speak like retards? I think that’s what makes the pictures even more fucking unbearable. Perhaps if the pictures were made in such a manner to make the cats look intelligent they might be better. Lets face the truth together now, we’ll take a walk down the path of enlightenment. I fucking hate cats. Look, the fact is they’re kinda worthless. They don’t even look happy to see you. I have 2 dogs, both of them who are lazy as fuck. They won’t get a job, even though its up to me alone to knock out the rent every month which I find to be terribly unfair. But whatever, at least when I get home after a day at the office they are happy to see me. Scratch that, maybe they’re not happy to see me… but they fucking pretend REALLY well to be happy to see me, and it has me convinced so who fucking cares? I’m happier when they lie to me anyways, just like women. Women are very good at lying to me, why? Because its easier than the truth. Well I’m good with that too. So my lying asshole lazy unemployed dogs pretend to be excited to see me. So what? So I give them more food and water and don’t put their asses out on the street is what, cock sucker! Cats don’t do that shit. You’re probably saying, my cat does. I’m sure. Everyone has this amazing feline companion that makes their entire world complete. That’s why cats have such a good reputation, right? Now I’ll admit it. There are exceptions to the every rule.. but they are exceptions, not standards.

So, I’ve devised a fail safe system to end all retarded kitty cat pictures on the internet. BEHOLD!!!! THE POWER!!!!

Will it blend guy would be cumming in his fucking pants if he saw this shit, you know its fucking true. And if you don’t know who he is… wake the fuck up and get out of your cave. Fuck, man.

www.willitblend.com

 

I’m sure PETA will be up my ass for this, but I don’t fucking care. They are goat lovers anyways. And I mean goat lovers in the sense of literally, they fuck goats. The need that shit. Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad.

That was a good joke, fuck you. So fuck you cute cat loving PETA ass fuckers. Know what else I have for you, PETA? You murder shit just like the rest of us. And you ingest that shit just like the rest of us too, so fuckin a man, get out of my goddamned fucking sandbox!

As with every other blog I’ve written, I think this shit out thoroughly and let it never be said that I don’t try and cover all my bases. So, with this one, I tried to make my own cute animal pictures. I’m not sure how it went, but I didn’t just do it with cats, oh fucking no, I used all kinds of animals. Wanna see? Of course you do, you need it. You need it bad. And I’m here to give it to you, I’m gonna give it to you good.

For my first attempt I tried an obscure animal you don’t see get a lot of publicity. Anteaters.

I’m not exactly sure what anteaters do.. other than eat ants. But I know that ants are annoying as fuck, and therefore they should be eaten. I’ve tried it before, its ok, its at least as good as ramen. Notice the correct spelling and what not. He also doesn’t speak in pluralsisis’s.

For my second attempt, I tried a canine, but so I don’t seem racist or anything, I didn’t use my own canines. I showed off some ethnic love too, by picking one from Africa. I thought it was great.. reviews showed it was not well received. Ahh well. I used some slang in there, but to avoid racism, I didn’t make him speak in plurals.

 

Since that didn’t seem to work too well, apparently the picture wasn’t cute. Maybe, I thought, maybe only felines are cute. So I picked a feline as you can see here, on attempt number 3. I couldn’t find one playing with string or anything, so I figured I’d just make it as honest as I could. Again, didn’t have that “cute” factor that everyone seems to be going for these days.

This experimenting took its toll on me. I was having no success. Obviously I was distraught. I was downtrodden, and I was also depressed. And so, with a great deal of reluctance, I decided finally I would try to make cute cat pictures with real, lovable, every day house hold kitties. Again though, I could not make them speak like retards, because that just seems wrong.

The first one, I know what you’re thinking.. Oh my God critic! That cat is so fucking cute! Riiigghhtt? Yah, you see, kittens can never be cute because they grow up into cats. So no matter how “cute” you think they are, the premonition of knowing how they will eventually turn out keeps them from ever being cute. Fact.

And so, it is with these failed attempts at being “cute” that I formed my opinion, and brought us to this point. So here is my plea: STOP FUCKING PUTTING “CUTE” KITTY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET!

or I’ll blend your cat. no shit man, it’ll happen.