Vampire Hunter

Vampires have become one of my favorite topics to talk about. Are they real? Of course they are. That’s why there's so many stories about them. Hunting them is also very real, and that’ll be where we find the main focus of this blog. The hunting of very real and SCARY vampires. But we’ll get to that later.

First, I have to tell you. To all the people out there who absolutely would DIE for their Apple computer, I have to make something of an apology.

It occurs to me, that I spend a lot of time ripping on Apple products in my blogs. For this I think I should apologize.

However, I’m not going to.

I stand by the truths which I bring you here, and today I have another revelation about Apple products. Its not so much the product I hate so much.. its the users.

The more I think about it, one of the only things I hate more than then Apple products, is the apple fanbois. Every time I find myself in traffic behind a car with one of those apple stickers on the ass end, I want to ram them. There’s something about the pretentiousness of owning an apple that makes all the retards who support their products so heavily that they are willing to put a sticker on their car that says: “I’m a dick who owns an apple!” Why on earth would you want to put that sticker on your car? First off, I myself refuse to put any sticker on my car. It seems like that would merely deface the awesomeness of my jeep. So much do I hate the addition of stickers that I do not even put a sweet ass Jolly Roger on my Jeep. Why do I need to advertise the fact that I am really a Pirate? I don’t. I let my actions speak louder than words. And so, as an apple owner, you must realize that there is no action you can take to show off your awesomeness, and so you feel the need to put a sticker on your car.

The simple fact is, almost everyone has an ipod, or iphone. Therefore almost everyone is an apple owner. However, for those of us who reluctantly own these over priced products, we’re far more awesome than you, sticker-man, for we do not advertise for that corporation.

I’ve taken my hate to new levels though. Oh yes! This is how my act of piracy shows awesomeness. When I see a car parked with the Apple logo, I try and give them a reminder as to why Piracy is greater than Apples! In the picture here, you can see what I did to the last asshole I saw who advertised his pretentious Fanboi-ism. Owned by Pirates, bitch!

So, in conclusion, its not the product, its the price tag.. and not just the price tag.. Its the sticker loving cockbags who advertise for you. Beware Apple Sticker Show-ers. You could be next.

Before we get to hunting the undead there’s a couple more things that piss me off I wanna talk about first. You see, I went on vacation, and I had time to think. When I think, I discover anger. Its dangerous, which is why I normally just try not to think. Also, I find myself with headaches after too much thinking.

Las Vegas. 

I’ve been there. I’ve even written once about my last trip to Vegas. Upon thinking about Las Vegas, I realized.. I should learn to play Craps. I have no idea how you play this game, but, like you, I see this on the TV, on movies. Its a wonderful event. There’s some guy, he’s looking pimp, and he has beautiful people surrounding him. He’s winning. Big time. He turns to the girl next to him, “Blow my dice, big tits!” Normally, a woman would be offended at such a comment.

Not at a craps table. Smiling like she had just won the Ms. America crown, she blows on his dice and he tosses.. and…

YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!!!!

I was walking down the street not 3 days ago when I saw this gorgeous woman. I wanted to tell her how amazing she looked. Hell, maybe the Critic would get a date! So I tried to think of a great way to tell her. Then it came to my mind. The Craps table! YES! So, I walked up to her, I smiled, like I was Sean Connory, and I said:

“Hey, Big Tits, blow my dice!”

She slapped me.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But the truth this, I have the luck that most people do when they go to Vegas. Which is to say: none. I go like everyone else, and I smoke 16 packs of cigarettes a day, which I buy from the casino at 10$ a pack, and I play the slots, and I drink for free. But the alcohol does not help my brain. It makes me think that, yes, I am a winner. I am not a winner. The slots are really laughing at you the entire time, you just don’t realize it.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But as I said, I’ve been to Vegas. I’m sure you have too. And the truth is, Vegas is not like the excitement you see on TV and in the movies. There are no beautiful people standing around a hot shooter at the craps table. The real Vegas is much more different, because the beautiful young people are too POOR to blow all their money at the Craps table. They’re by the pool until fuckin Cris Angel has his show come on. Or the Blue Man Group. Or, they’ve already spent all their money on hookers, because no sex is like professional sex. Trust me, I know.

The real Vegas is much different, yes.. It is a bunch of old people sitting around playing video poker and penny slots, chain smoking and eyeballing an entire row of machines. If you try to touch one of their machines, they will likely chop your arm off with a machete. How they snuck a machete into a casino, I don’t know. My guess is that security knows they’re old and only protecting their slots, and will not openly attack people unless provoked. Also, when they have to get up to pee, since their depends is full at the moment, they put a pad lock on the machines. This is not fair or fun. Therefore, the real Vegas…. well it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Except for the prostitutes.

Moving on I have one more subject to tackle before we get into the art, finesse, and necessity that is: Vampire Hunting.

I know, I’m taking forever to get to it, know why? CUZ I CAN! I find that most of the things I do in life is for that reason. Its a beautiful way to live. Trust me on this one.

Bluray!

Bluray is awesome. The picture is great, the sound is amazing, and it takes DVD and bends it over a table and rapes it mercilessly all the while cackling evilly into the night! If you do not own a bluray player, you probably should, because if you don’t own one, you just straight suck right? Right. But the benefit of owning a bluray player will bring you to my next point of FUCK OFF!

Because I own a bluray player, I have since bought.. OMG! can you believe this next one… I have bought… BLURAY DISCS! Now, as an owner of said lovelies, I have found one thing about them that pisses me off to no end. It is this:

Every Bluray disc starts with the same advertisement.

“Here.. we…go!” BLURAY OMGOMGOMG ITS SO AWESOME IT’LL EAT YOUR VEGGIES FOR YOU! THE ENTIRE STATE OF NEW JERSEY LOVES BLURAY! YOUR MOM LOVES BLURAY! IF YOU DON’T OWN BLURAY YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL! PRESIDENT OBAMA HATES YOUR NON BLURAY OWNING SILLY SORRY ASS! ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DVD! HOW MUCH BETTER? DVD SUCKS AND BLURAY DOEEESSNNN’TTT!! SO GET BLURAY TODAYTODAYTODAY!!

Only this advertisement takes about 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Also, you cannot skip through it. If you do not fast forward, you are forced to watch it. This really pisses me off, because.. motherfuckers.. I ALREADY OWN THE PRODUCT! You fucking win ok!? Leave me the fuck alone and stop advertising! Your advertising worked already now SHUT THE FUCK UP! Its the most retarded redundant ad ever in the history of the world, times two. plus infinity. pi.

I can’t fucking stand it, and neither should you. We should not be subjected to bluray advertising.. on a bluray..which I’m watching on my bluray player. Seriously this makes me want to do one thing and one thing only. Burn down the building where this ad was thought up, made, and mass produced.

What I’ve done here is show fine examples of answers to the most popular question I seem to get: Where do you think this shit up?

I don’t think it up, its real life. And the answers are truth. The truth is not some kind of creative thought up ploy to prove a point. The truth is the truth. Simple dimple, bitches.

Now lets talk about vampires and shit woop! are you ready? I’m so ready I can’t hardly hold it! I didn’t hold it! I just peed myself. Thanks a lot for getting me excited. Jerks.

My credentials on vampires. Hmm. Well, I have shown you all that I can read books, especially with my references to the Twilight series of books, and my critique of their poor literary performances. I’ve shown my ability to spot the undead in the form of Zombies, and I have gone to great measures to prepare you all for the undead attack. The simple fact is, the mindless droves of Zombies which will be attacking any day now, cannot be the only undead creature out there, so if you truly wish to survive, you must let your survival instincts take control and force you to read, to learn, and eventually combat against all forms of undead. I myself have slain many vampires, as I follow in the footsteps of the greatness of my predecessors.

Before we get to hunting vampires, I’d like to talk about the realness of vampires.

Vampires are real blood sucking creatures from the black lagoon of the world that are waiting in nearly every shadow to kill you, drink your blood, and take your wallet! That’s right, they are cleptos who steal. What proof of this do I have? Well..

Vampires *can* hold a job. They are very good at doing a job, especially since they have eons to perfect a skill at any job. The problem of aging comes into play. How do you retire at 65 when you still look 20, and you’re really 437 yrs old? You can’t. But it takes money to survive in the world anymore, and therefore, they steal your wallet or purse, because every kill is not only dinner, but pay day. Not a bad gig. 

Can vampires walk in the sun? Most traditional stories say no, but many say yes. The truth is yes, they can. But they are in a devastatingly weak state by doing so. The sun hurts like fuck and so they have to wear sunglasses. This is a point I understand all too well, as I cannot stand the sunlight either, and therefore always wear sunglasses. Even at night. That’s right Corey Hart, you’re not the only one.

Sorry!

 

Anyways, so Vampires are evil, they are creepy crawly and YES they are all ages *in looks* and all over the place. EVEN they can be teenagers, much to my anti-twilight dismay. But, when they are teenage looking, they do not live in places where its cloudy and go to high school over and over again. Take for instance the Lost Boys, which was based on a true story. They didn’t go to school.. FUCK NO! They did what they wanted to, all the time, and what teenager EVER wants to go to school? NONE OF THEM!

Some vampires are weaker than others. Some are goddamn awesome powers of evil incarnate that you wouldn’t want to be near. I mean, anyone can take out a weak vampire, all it takes is the proper weaponry which we’ll get into later. But there are some vampires that take a real hunter to to bring down. These guys know how to avoid being seen, detected, and ultimately, defeated. It takes a true hunter, and possibly an undead hunter to bring them down. These are the kinds of vampires you have to be especially careful of folks.

Be careful when you see a vampire in general, yes, but be more careful when you see one who looks innocent, but has that air about them that says: I could kick your ass at tetris.

Finally though, before we move on to the hunters, remember: Not all vampires are bad. Some of them could be your best friend. So like with thugs, don’t assume they’re all out to kill you, some of them just wanna party, have a good time, and be friendly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I just got through all of that without ripping on Twilight too bad. Are you impressed? Well I’m not. Neither are Apple Fanbois. If there’s one thing we’ve come to expect from me its cookies. If there are two, then it is cookies AND Twilight Hate. And when there is no Twilight Hate, it is replaced with Apple Hate. Sometimes you get both, and then its BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIE!

So, for all you who love Apple. This ones for you. 

Do vampires sparkle? I mean really? Do they?

NO! VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Weak ones burn in the sunlight, strong ones are weak in it. Its fact. There are lots of things that sparkle in the sunlight though. Like Jewelry. Diamonds. A clean pretty car. The ocean sparkles in the bright sun too. 

And here is another thing for you: Faggots covered in glitter sparkle in the sunlight. Notice the resemblance between this fag covered in glitter and Edward? THEY BOTH SPARKLE!

Conclusion: Only inanimate objects and faggots covered in glitter sparkle the sun. Fact.

Hunters

There have been many great hunters before me. Many! Its time to pay them a bit of homage, yes? Lets do it then!

Buffy

She was not only a fierce and awesome slayer of vampires, but she was also sexy as fuck while she did it. So important was her slaying that a movie and TV show was made honoring her works. There are no real photos of Buffy out there, but it is said that Sarah Michelle Geller was cast in the show because she was “An exact twin” says one source.

Van Helsing

He was not only a professor of medicine, but also a notorious vampire hunter. Truth be told, he did not kill many vampires. Only a handful, and the most IMPORTANT of all vampires: Count Dracula.

Someone had to kill that ageless bastard who was terrorizing Transylvania, and Arthur Van Helsing was just the right man for the job.

Blade

This guy was/is half vampire himself. This helps him a great deal, because to defeat the greatest of immortal enemies, being half immortal doesn’t hurt your chances for victory, does it? He is a badass of epic proportions, which is why the role in the documentary about him was played by Wesley Snipes. They needed a black badass, and there’s no black badass quite as badasstastic as Wesley Snipes. He’s so fucking tough he said FUCK YOU AMERICA! And didn’t pay taxes. Now he’s a bitch to a bigger black badass. Poor Snipes.

Abraham Lincoln

Wait what? I bet your confused now! That’s right, our darling 16th president, who freed the slaves and won the civil war single handedly was one of the most deadly hunters of vampires the world has ever seen. And there is information to back it, a book written, finally, the true untold story of our beloved president. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I’ve read it, and now I’m going to tell you about it. Its important stuff, so its good for you to know.

This educational tutorial into the truth of one of the most pivotal presidents in American history is a must read. It’s a fairly easy read and it’s relatively short.  Here’s why it took me a while: I researched and cross referenced everything while I read this book, so in addition to the book, I read three times as much in history, to get the story, and the author who took most of this book directly from the diary of Abe Lincoln, also filled in the rest of the information for the reader with fact. I’ve done all the researching, and seriously, he didn’t make up the events that happened. Its impressive. Needless to say, I was shocked.

The story tells of of Abe’s life, starting as a young lad, his distaste for taking life, and his sorrow at seeing slaves being taken to auction. But it was when Abe’s dear mother was killed by a vampire, because of his fathers careless unpaid debts, that our hero took it upon himself, to rid the United States of America of all vampires. He was going to need some help though, and throughout his life, he found help when he needed it.

As you can see from the cover photograph of this book, which is an actual photo of Abe, he was very fond of his foresting axe. He didn’t use a plethora of weapons to assist him in his annihilation of vampires, but he did use useful weapons. And his axe was one.  In truth, it was his weapon of choice. This is why you see Abe wearing a long coat in nearly every photograph of him, for he never left home without his trust companion. Also, what you didn’t see hidden in that long coat of his were one of the most important of vampire hunting weapons. Stakes. As we all know, a stake through the heart is almost a guaranteed kill of a vampire. But, Abe was thorough, and he would also chop of the head. This made him a great man. This untold story is not embellished with all kinds of flowery writing. Its straight forwards and direct. When he killed, he did it quickly, it was not some goddamned 5 hour epic battle. It was stake, chop, leave and go home.  The  book has many captivating pictures of Abe in various stages of his life, and in many of them you can see just how close vampire assassins were to Abe at all times. This book is a must read for vampire lovers, and history buffs, and ANY American who wants to know more about history of their country. Go get it. NOW! 

I am not usually a fan of nonfiction, but this book is a rare exception. It has all the elements of truth to make it a masterpiece even if it is all straight fact. My grade is thus an easy A+

Throughout this book you will also read about the techniques used by Abe in his quest to conquer evil, and take them to heart, for there are too many to write here, and I don’t want to ruin the story for you. Be sure to put it at the top of your reading list, because the war against the undead is never over, and only the strong, and prepared will survive. 

Reality TV.

Today I reach out to you once again from my cave dwelling existance to talk to you about another amazing thing thats happened to the world. Reality Television. I wonder as I prepare to write this antidote for humanity.. how long will the blog actually be? Will it end up being multiple blogs because I've too much to ramble.. write about? Truthfully, I swear this to you: I have no fucking idea.

UPDATE:

An update on the Twilight blog. I forgot to add this, and as per suggestion, here it is.

Need I say more?

Reality TV is so awesome, and at the same time its fucked in the head. Whoever thought this thing up is a maniacle, diabolical genius. This means Dr. Evil. But I don't want to use up to much of the material in my head just yet, so lets dig deep and discuss.

It was a warm sunny summer day in 1981 when my eyes first came to focus on a glorious invention of man kind. The television. It was love at first sight. I knew we'd have a long standing love affair at that point. I looked at that glass tube, and I saw it staring back at me. Marvin Gaye's music chimed in, the skies opened up, clouds parted. Sun shined down from the heaven's, a chorus of angels could be heard.. and so my love affair began. It started early with Sesame Street, followed by Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood (which gave me nightmares, but we'll not talk about that) From there television grew, and I grew with her, all the while never knowing that one day, something magical would happen.. and that day came, the magic, was reality TV- and I was there to witness it. In all its ingloriousness and idiocy. Am I qualified? Poeticly so. Let's begin.

It's Real.

The amazingly wonderful thing about reality tv is that you know these people are not paid actors. What makes it better, is generally speaking, they find idiots. How did our mystery creater think up sopmething so brilliant as survivor? I can't be sure, but it probably happened like this:

Dr. Evil: I have idea.

CBS: What?

DE: Lets take some idiots, put them in front of a camera, and see what happens?

CBS: That does not sound appealing.

DE: We'll give them monies.

CBS: Now you're talking.

So, take survivor. It's wonderfully entertaining to a point, but in all honesty its glory days are long since passed. You take people and make them compete against each other for tons of cash money which the government will take half of anyways, and you see just how fucked people can get. Chuck and Tina make an alliance. Chuckle is all, "Hey Tina, we'll go the distance together!" Then Chuck tells Bob, dood we sabbotage Tina NOW! Next thing you know, Tina's off the motherfuckin island and Chuck's like "holy fuck how did this happen?" Meanwhile, back at home in makebelieve Ohio, Chuck's wife is watching it going, WTF?! Who is this sonovabitch I am married to? I will so divorce now.. after I see if he wins... Survivor is the perfect example of bringing out the worst in people for money. Back stabbing bastards, lying all for that golden ticket. The odd thing is they do not always choose beautiful people to be on this show, which makes it suck. All the wihle you watch this show while eating your icecream and you think, man, these fools are desperate, I'll take my $9.50/hr job over that hell any day. And you know what? It's probably the better idea. No one wants to see sweat.

Fear is not a Factor

Bullshit. I watched this show, and this show is fucked in the face in so many ways its not even funny. Actually it was pretty funny. You know what the greatest thing about reality tv is? The fact that these morons are desperate to win! Its like a game show for people who would sacrifice their bodies to satan for a chance at glory. There is not glory in these game shows. If you were smart you'd go on jeopardy. If you were lucky you'd try wheel of fortune. If your family didn't hate you, you'd try the family feud! Alas, you're not lucky, smart, or well liked, and therefore, its time to be tossed to the wolves.
First, they make you do a stupid ass stunt. Then you have to do something else relatively stupid that no person with a brain in their noggin would ever do. Then you have to eat something horrible like a goat dick. Or Vietnamese wolverine testicles. Meanwhile, Joe Rogan is yelling at you not to give up, that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! Here's the brilliance of this show, they pick good looking people. So heres this 110 lbs hot chick in a bikini stuffing her face full of some african delicacy made of giraffe dung and beetles. She looks like she's gonna puke, but she doesn't. The hard reality of this show is, she'd be more apt to throw up. When she wins, she'll go out to a bar with a face stuffed full of altoids. I can picture this happening.. me running into said hot chick at a bar.

You're a beautiful woman, may I buy you a drink?

Oh that'd be wonderful, cr1ck3e!

Ahh here we go.. you know.. Have we met before?

No, I don't think so.. *Sweet smiles*

Really? You're so formiliar.. (EAT THAT GOAT DICK! YOU CAN DO IT! STUFF YOUR FACE WITH BEETLE DUNG AND ANTS! GOGOGO! DON'T STOP NOW YOU'RE ALMOST THERE! DONT THROW UP!!!!)

Oh no, I'm sure we've not met before...*more sweet smiles*

You know.. I have to go. Enjoy the drink.

This is exactly what happens to all the girls who have been in the commercials for herpes medicine. "I have genital herpes.."

Similar scenario:

You're so formiliar..

Well I'm an actor.. I've done a couple commercials here and there, but nothing big. *innocent smiles*

Ahh, maybe thats it.. (I have genital herpes.. herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..HERPES..)

Is something wrong, cr1ck3e?

Hmm? No, I just can believe I'd meet an actor herpesHERE, here.. I er.. you know what? Enjoy the drink, I have to go.. and wash myself.. with acid.

But its not just about winning money, fame, glory, a new wife.. A new wife. Enter Brett Michaels, one of the worlds biggest douche bags of all time. This guy is such a fuckin joke that there are no words that will make you laught harder than his mullet. First off, Poison sucks. That band always did suck and will always suck from now until the time when the apocolypse happens. Maybe you're thinking, Hey they were good. WRONG! They were not good. At all. Ever. And now Brett Michaels is simply broke and horny. He's a poor, horny old man who can't trick 12 yr old boys into his basement anymore. He can't tour very well because his walker looks funny on stage, and when he plays his monthly show at the retirement home, he has to accept that women his age are now throwing their depends at him, not thongs. This show though.. It's hilarious as well. First you take this cocksucker who is pushing like 82 now, but thanks to money and a bad song or 2913847 is now rich enough to make himself look young through plastic surgery. Enter: The girls. They are all smokin, and like what? 20? OMG! I've loved you for so long Brett! I remember when your first big hit came out! I was like, oh..well it was 4 years before I was born! Inevitably this horny old fuck who can't get groupies anymore will bust out his guitar at some point in the season and he WILL play every rose has its thorne. As I watch this, I think to myself, who is more stupid? Brett or these retards with tits? Because lets face it, he has no career anymore, and if he falls in love off a television show, well then there will be no Rock of Love season 4,5,6..etc, and then he will once again be broke. Leave it to VH1 to employ has beens/ never should've beens. The reality of this show is, the world would be a better place if Brett Michaels would slip on some ice, and miraculously, have his head chopped off some way in the fall. This seems a bit harsh. Brettyboy, the truth hurts. Did you guys know, he wears that bandana because he's bald under it? Seriously.

Equally I should say that every bachelor show is a joke. Who would really find true love on tv? Well, I think I could actually.. Think about it, if you're a rich bastard, what better way to find undying love than letting the world know you're rich and you are looking for a gold digging whore. Remember boys, whores are people too. They're also very fun, BUT you do NOT introduce them to your mom. These are life lessons we all must learn. But if she's a classy whore, and its on tv, thats not gold digging, thats true love, bitches!

Truth be told, I myself am more the "Joe Millionaire" type. Not really a millionaire.. or even slightly rich fellow. Just your average over opinionated writer with too much time on his hands. But, if she really did love me, we'd both be rich. See ladies, sometimes theres a pay off if you trust in lying bastards. But only when the network gets involved! I have a network. Of spies. No, actually its a nice network of people who tell me I'm ok, when we all know i'm really not. All of the people in this network are invisible, but they talk to me. They talk to me, I swear it. Only me.. only me..

Now, we're thinking, wait a second, these reality shows are fucking horrible! They bring out the absolute worst in people! You're absolutely right, AND that's the brilliance and beauty. People making themselves out to be fools is entertaining! But lest we not forget there are some that are like a self help group for the underprivelaged. Take the biggest loser. The title alone is an oxy moron. This show is fantastic, and upbeat and has a great message, but despite all of that I'm going to twist it right now and poke a bit of fun, even though this will clearly secure my place in hell for eternity. So, lets pretend you have no idea what the biggest loser is so I may insult. Here we go.. Oh, you've never heard of it? Oh its great! They take these 400 lbs land monsters, and put them on tv, and then they embarress them in front of the world! They wear SPANDEX! It's terrible, but look, stop laughing.. It has a good message, see? They have personal trainers who are kicking their huge fat asses over and over to get into shape, and the people leave the show mother fuckin SKINNY! Yah, well except for the guy who gets kicked off first who leaves flying a middle finger which looks like polish sausage, all the way to 7/11 where he can buy 10 truckloads full of twinkies! But for the winner, it looks something like this:

Seriously, that was season-something winner. Can't remember the name of the contender but, hey, if they can do that with hard work, maybe I'll get my ass outta this chair after I finish this can of Cheezballz and call the makers of the biggest loser. Unfortunately I shop at Costco, and I have a 50 gallon can of Cheezballz, so it'll be a while. But its worth the wait because as the image says. These fucking rule.
















Know whats so fucked up I don't have to say a fucking thing about it? Toddlers and Tiaras.
That show makes me want to vomit. I actually thought about putting up a picture at this point to illustrate my disgust with it, but after googling some pictures I realized its so disgusting not even *I* can cross that line. There are some things which should be outlawed. This show is one. Take a young child and make them look like an adult is only asking for trouble. I hate the people who make this show, and they have a special place in Hell waiting for them. The mothers of these poor children.. I hope they get into a terrible car accident requiring lots of usage of the jaws of life. I don't even think this could help them though. They too will have a special place in the fiery pit of doom with Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.




Moving on.





You know who we really have to thank for all the recoculousness that is reality tv? MTV. Fuck you MTV. Back in the day, mtv was cool. Music Television that actually played music, it was such a cool fuckin idea that everyone wanted to copy them, enter vh1, who sucked. Then Mtv changed the world once again by keeping the music televsion name and stopping the playing of music videos. the hell? But in its place, we got something totally fuckin awesome that changed life forever.




The Real World




This show took a bunch of retards and put them all in an apartment together to see just how long it would take before they would do something that would inspire great tv.

1. Fuck
2. Fight

This is what people really wanted to see. Fighting, which would lead to some fucking, which would ultimately lead to more fighting! Brilliant! MtV you diabolical bitches! This was the best thing you ever planned out, with the exception to JT pulling Janet's tit out. Brilliant I tell you! You know, I've never been too interested in many shows to be on myself, mainly because:

• I'm a dick
• I have no interest in most shows
• I'm not smart enough for Jeopardy
• I'm not lucky enough for Wheel of Fortune
• My family hates me, so no Fued
• I suck at shopping, no Price is Right
• I hate backstabbing assholes trying to steal money rightfully mine. No Survivor.
• I am not crazy enough to eat a goat pecker, no Fear Factor.
• I am not rich looking for a wife/gold digging whore to call a wife, No Bachelor.

So you see, the following points of interest show that I in fact would be perfect for this nonsensical show known as the real world. First off, everyone gets in the house HI! OMG HI! Hahaha We're roommates LETS BOOZE IT UP! This is the part I can hang with. Then its like, ok now that we're drunk, I can tell you you have nice tits and I won't have to feel bad about it because I'm drunk, OMG! Hahaha! Lets get in the hot tub! Ommnommnomnomnomnom!!!

This leads to sex. Then gossip. Omg did you see Janice, she's such a whore, she and cr1ck3e totally DID IT! I know, what a tramp!! (then in the single interviews) I was really surprised she'd just do him that fast, but she was drunk, so I think I still have a chance with cr1ck3e. He's just so studly. Meanwhile, heres my interview:

The people in this house are retarded. I can't believe I signed up for this.

Flash forward 2 days: Everyone's having a pow-wow over poor janice boning indescriminately. Here enters the room our hero, cr1ck3e with a can of cheezballz. Hey. Hi cr1ck3e. Whats going on here? *munchmunch* We're having an important discussion. What about? Janice's sex addiction. *munchmunchmunchmunch* Will you join us? *sniff* Please? Nah. Why not? Because you all are fucking stupid. *****Exit cr1ck3e******

Later in the interviews: The guys are like, man, I wish I had balls like that. The girls are like, he's such a jerk, but I think he's been really hurt in his past, and I want to break that tough exterior shell and meet the real man inside. mine: man the people here are dumbshits. But the cheezballz are free, and thats fuckin rad. Also, there are some good looking girls so, the scenery is nice.

I figure 2 days max, I'm kicked out the house. That'd please me, but I'd go down in history, and then maybe after that, vh1 will give me my own show, jerk of love? Awesome.

Finally, before I leave you with all this worthless drabble, I'd like to illustrate just one more point as to why reality tv is sinfully delightful and fucking horrible at the same fucking time!


Temptation Island

Do you remember this show? It didn't last very long because it was fucked from the get go. It was this wonderful show that took loving couples and put them on an island. Of course, there was money involved. Sally would go to one side of the island while Bob went to the other. It was the ultimate test of their love, of whether their love was "strong enough" to survive the temptation this island would give. Lets get one thing clear. This island is not like the badass island that doesnt seem to even really exist from Lost. If I were on that damn island in Lost, I'd never leave, I'd build a house, I'd sunbathe, I'd surf, and I'd have a mainly fruit and fish diet without cheezballz which, I admit, would be tragic, but I could adjust. No, Temptation Island was just that. They put poor Bobbyboo around hot chicks who rub on him, flirt with him and mash their chesticals against him, grinding like whores who really are just waiting to get the call to go on The Bachelor. And then the worst happens. Its video taped. But, more so, its cleverly edited!!! OH YES! Because what you see happens is, Bobby knows he'll never get anyone to top Sally, so embarressingly he lets them rub on him and grab his wingwang and THEN He's all "Nno, I'm in love, please stop!" Mean while, the same is going on with Sally, but she's a female, and thus a stone cold bitch and rejects all the big ape men hitting on her. Impressive. They are going to win the measly $3.50 - but hey theres money involved and that makes all the difference. Just when things are going great, you go to commercial and get yourself another beer and you think, wow, these two really love each other. Then they get back from commercial and the cleverly edited video is being shown to Sally, and all she see's is poor Bobby with hot bitches on him. So what does Sally do? She then gets dicked down by every guy on that side of the island! Oh He thinks he can do this to *ME!* NO! HE WILL NOT! THAT BASTARD! I WILL SHOW HIM!!!! Meanwhile, only rumors get to Bobby and he says, Nah, you're just trying to trick me. Then they come back together at the end of the episode and they show the cleverly edited footage to Sally again, only this time, the editing is gone and she sees that Dumb Bitch Bobby was completely innocent and was true the whole time. Now they show her footage. Basically its softcore porn like you'd see at a frat party. Doods with popped collars going bare chested, Chad's we'll call them. 10 Chads. 1 Sally. Its not pretty. Bobby is heart broken. No one wins $3.50

Thats fucked. I would never go on that show. Why? First off I have no one to go with me. Secondly, they don't like dicks on shows like that. They want a guy who isn't going to scowl at the hot girl rubbing her areola's in your eyeballs. I myself, when $3.50 is at state, am an oak. Also, this show only went like 2 seasons. Why? Because Bobby went fucking nuts and killed all the cast members, directors and producers with a shotgun, then he probably hunted down Sally, shaved her head so she looked fucked up like Brittney and then took a flying leap off a building with her tied up watching and therefore she's fucked and in a mental institute, but the moral of the story is, they lost their camera opporator. Those people are not easily replaced. That said, this show was wildly entertaining. Fucked.. but entertaining.

So you see the problem with reality television lies in the reality of each show. They're delightful because they make you realize the things you'll never do for a cheap buck, and some things that you WOULD do for it. Which may make you hate yourself, but you say screw it, no ones perfect. So whats the solution? Well regrettably you can't really get away from reality TV. There is no escape from the black hole of evening programming which was created by the monsters at mtv. So do you accept it? Or do you turn off your television.. Thats a hard choice. Maybe you could go for a walk instead? No way, fuck that. Sit your over sized ass on that couch for another 12 hours of this shit, get a ginormous can of cheezballz and munch away motherfuckers, because if you eat enough, then you too can be on tv and lose weight at the same time! AND win money at it! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shows to catch up on. Ciao!

Thank you.

Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!