Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!