American Idol.

Dear American Idol,

You have something coming to you. I plan on telling the world the truth about your show. Before your lawyers get angry, remember that I am mearly a servant of the truth. A prophet- if you will. I intend no offense, nor lies; only the will of the people who know and understand the truth of such matters of life which include the pop sensation that is your widely broadcasted hugely successful show. I should congratulate you on your enormous success, but I don't think I will. Instead, I will use the following to show how you've poluted society with mindless, worthless, talentless television which has in no way any value what so ever. Your show is so heinously terrible, I'd rather watch the wretched "B" Rated stupid shows that are shown on such wonderful stations such as SyFy Channel. I beg of you though, to please do not let my words keep you from making a mockery of the intelligence of Americans, after all, if our president can do it- you should have the right too. Besides; if you stop now, I'll have one less thing to hate and that would be a fate worse than death.

Sincerely,

cr1ck3e

I have seen American Idol. I've seen more than one season of American Idol, though- I admit, I regret every day of my life because of it. I have the intelligence higher than that of an earth worm. I have eyes, and ears; though I am slightly deaf in one eye. I like ice cream. I'm a cancer with a passion for opera. I enjoy holding hands, sunsets, and long walks on the beach. Ah shit, wait this isn't eharmony. Ah fuck it, I'm too lazy for backspace.

Oh how I've been waiting for this one. I figure now the time is right, after my last tyranical attack on reality tv, the time only seemed right that now, NOW we attack this number one show on television with its tribillionoids of views. Perhaps you're wondering, how does one, even one such as me- prepare for a blog like this one? Well the formula for success is a simple, yet effective one. First, I take a nap. Then I run in circles until I fall down due to over dizziness. Vomiting insues. Afterward, i get a drink from the tank of my toilet (because its already cold and I already paid for that water) and I brush my hair. Following that ritual, I eat a cozmic brownie, I get a dew, and I fire up the computer. At this point, I generally lose interest and take another nap. Finally after hours, days, and sometimes weeks of procrastination, I decide that now is the time. And here we are at the present, and the time is now. Next, I put on a playlist worthy of listening to. It starts with "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. It also includes such famous and wonderful artists as Hole. Music genious.. now I'm ready to take on this show. The fact is, you've seen this show before, before there was Idol, there was american bandstand, starring the Immortal Dick Clark. That's right boys and girls.. Dick Clark is The Highlander. Bet you didn't know that story was based on something that really happened did you? Well it is true, and it really happened and Dick Clark is the winner. The only person Dick Clark didn't have balls enough to fight was Chuck Norris. And rightly so. Moving on. After that, did you remember Star Search? Damn that show was so 1980's and wonderful. It had Ed McMahon on it, and despite his sad and untimely passing, he did do a cash for gold commercial with MC Hammer, and that makes him cool till the bitter fucking end. And now we have Idol. In fact, we've had Idol for 7 or 8 or pretty much just too many goddamned years. You know, the show itself is really rather silly. Thats right, bitches, I said it: Silly. It's like going to Kareoke night at the local dive only theres not cheap beer and cheaper women. This makes it a total bummer. The good news is, you can sit down with a beer and your couch is more comfy anyways, unless you're on my couch. Because I keep traps on it in case of invaders. I hate invaders. So, now lets talk about how bad this show sucks, and why you and I are wasting our lives watching it. Well, I watch it so I have material to write. You watch it because you're American and you need an Idol. I already have an Idol. His name is Billy. Proof as to how shitty this show is, I bet all the so called learned expert judges on that show hate Billy Idol. That makes them suck. I would say they are "gay" but- There's Ellen Degener..umrouses. On there now. And that'd just not be nice. But we'll get to that hoe in a minute. For now, bask in the glory that is Billy Idol, the only Idol you need, even though he is definitely not american, but still on of the baddest sons of bitches to ever walk the earth. If there was a streetfight between him and Axl Rose. Axl would die. Vince Neil would bow to him like he were the holy grail. And me? I'd fucking high five him. We're cool like that.

Randy Jackson

This guy pisses me off, yet I laugh at him. He used to be a nice fellow years ago, hell he'd even agree with Paula on many things to oust the bastard Simon on opinions, he was bubbly chubby, giggly and a nice guy. I noticed now that Simon now says this will be his last year on the show, Randy has turned into a total cock muncher, which does not suit him, and therefore he's a fucking faker. People who are generally nice should not try to be dickheads. I know this for fact, because many people who are nice encounter me and then become immediately more mean, which doesn't suit them, so in straight fashion I call them a poser and tell them to go punk themselves into a dirty nightmare. That said, I don't really see this guy as a singer type either. Sure he played for the Boss, Journey, Santana, and has worked with more people than I can count on my 4 fingers and toes, but I see him, I think of one thing: Black Turtle. Observe.

Thats another thing that pisses me off about this self important overly pretentions black turtle. His language is that of a retarded gang banger. Yo, dog, yeeeeaaaaahhhhh, look at me flash weird symbols with my hands like I am a cool thug muthafucka, Jjjyeeaahh! Dood face it, you can't do shit like that anymore, you're not cool, hip or anything in between. You never were. Your biggest claim to fame is Journey. And like it or not, JOURNEY IS NOT COOL. Goddamn, shut up with the dogs, yo's. You wanna be cool, start calling them Bitches. Especially the idiot guys that go on that show. Still don't see the Turtle resemblance? Observe Crush from Finding Nemo. You see it now, I know you do.

Now, moving on, let's piss off the gay/lesbian community.

Hell I piss off every other community, dunno why they think their safe.

Ellen Degeneres.

This chick pisses me off for lots of reasons. First off, she seems so fuckin happy all the time. I guess I'd be happy too if I was banging Portia di Rossi. Secondly, guys reading this, you need to know that the race of men failed the day Portia went gay. Ellen was no loss. I mean, sure, bi or something would be ok for Portia, then we wouldn't have to chalk it up as a total loss, but alas, she's with a bulldyke named Ellen, and therefore we, as men, have collectively failed the earth. I would say I'm ashamed to be a man, but, I guess I'm really just not. But still this makes me sad. Furthermore, I see no musical talent in her area of experiences, other than the ability to make Portia sing. I think if I was on that show and I was about to get voted off, I'd ask her if they scissor. Why? Because it's mother fuckin live! Ahh Live TV, man, they'd rank me up there with Puck, Janet, and Jersey Shore. But, anyways, she has no musical talent and therefore, no purpose on this show. I'd make a better judge than her.. And I can't even hum. I can see it now, "umm yah.. so, you sing, and umm.. I like your um, singing.. ahh hell no, I really don't, but you're pretty enough to be a pop singer, so whatever the fuck. I don't like other pop singers either. My advice? Um, yah, get people to like you and vote for you, this is really just a popularity contest based on many things other than singing. Congrats, I bet you have fans because you're attractive."

So, in conclusion, Ellen is a super happy, not very funny, bullnosed homosexual with a hot wife and no musical talent and therefore sucks. But, she's also cooler than you because of who she has sex with. Paradox!

Paula Abdul.

I won't lie. The loss of Paula on this show is probably the greatest loss of all time, and it pains my heart. First off, let's just say she was never the worlds greatest recording artist of all time, but at the same time she *did* actually sing.. Unlike the others. That said, she's Paula Abdul! You remember how much you loved her back in the day and then *poof!* Bitch just up and disappeared for half a century, and then WHAM back in the spot light!
Not only was she back, but she was just as hot, hell i think perhaps she was better looking because I'm not sure, but she may have gotten her boobs done. If she didn't maybe she's just better at showing them off now than she was before. Who cares? Look at the picture, this chick has great boobs and a pretty smile. Also, she never tried to be mean, unlike that poser Randy Jaxson. Even when someone was total bleeding prison asshole she was like, "oh that was pretty ok.. i think?" Why did she think? Because she was fucking drunk all the time too. Well well, lets take some of the Kareoke bar back to TV! A pretty girl showing off her cleavage. Check. Drunk. Check! Now *this* is what I call REALITY Television! Hell sometimes she'd get up and dance and shit, which was cool even though the person singing really sucked at singing. Paula, you rock.. Deep kindness and massive drunkeness and maybe some perscription pill overdosing on national television not only makes you super special and close to my heart, but also entertaining as fuck. Thank you Paula. As for the producers of this show; Fuck you for firing her fine ass.

Now lets talk about the bitch who replaced her.

Kara Dioguardi.

Ohho. I look at this chick and do you know what I see? First off, I see a real bitch, fuck this bitch. This was a chick who tried to have some kind of career and could actually sing, but mostly was better at writting songs. Thats cool. She's like the face behind the curtain like for the Wizard of Oz. Why is she like that? Because she does not have the face of a Pop Princess, but rather the face of an evil alien queen who wants to eat you, your children, and probably your soul. When its her turn to rag on people who can't sing worth a shit, I can't even hear her voice anymore, I just hear that hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.h.h.h.h.h. Sound the alien from Aliens made. I'm expecting her to have a second jaw pop out of her bug eyed face and snap the microphone in half. Don't beleive me? Check this shit out, friends. Look at them side by side, you'll freak.

Now I know you're looking at these two pictures and you're suddenly realized THEY ARE PICTURES OF THE SAME PERSON! Yes, and that persons name is Kara Diaoiuaguardkie. This chick, if human, ranks up there with Hillary Swank for unhotness. And if you find yourself asking you right now, wait, what? Allow me to explain. Hillary Swank is the ugliest person to walk the face of the earth. Plain and simple. Back to Kara. This bitch, I have no clue if she gives good advice, because I can't get past the enormous beady eyes, and the extra set of teeth. I'm sorry. And one final thing for you, I found some old footage of Kara's first season on Idol that I wanted to share with you. As you can imagine, the asshole Paula-Firing fuckface people at Fox have got some great make up artists for their show, but once upon a time they didn't realize the things I realize and were oblivious to it all. Observe the truth.

Freaky shit, huh?

Simon Cowell

Seriously, what can I say about this guy thats negative? I can only think of one real thing to say negatively about him. He created this show which sucks your brains out, and thefore though he is diabolical, he's also a cockstain for thinking this up. I'm not sure if he has any musical talent either. I am not sure how he is even qualified to be a "judge" but fuck it, no one else is, so whats wrong with him doing it? But, its entertaining and heres why: he hates you, and he hates your singing. But he also loves you, because you're making him richer than Darth Vader. This guy; I don't think he can really sing, but he is one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen on TV. This makes me like him immediately. In fact, were he not a cocksucking fat ankled brit, I'd suggest a lineage tracing, because we might be related. But as everyone already knows, I am scottish and therefore, would never have any relation to a limey fuck like thim. Now, that said, Simon totally rules. I think he just likes to watch people look miserable when he talks and thats why he does it. He makes faces, he finds exceptional uses for the word "Dreadful" which I think I should try to do more often. I find its a great past time to use words that are not used often in regular conversation just to see how people react to them. So you, Simon, I give you a round of applause, you rock. Keep on being an asshole, because you're the only real entertainment left on that show now that I no longer can stare and Paula's wonderfully drunken breasticles.

Ryan Seacrest.

So diehard Idol fanbois, do you remember season 1? Seacrest was not the only host, do you remember the other guys name? No one else does either! Fortunately, my quest for the truth took me once again to the never wrong wikipedia and I have discovered this morons identity. Brian Dunkleman. Sound familiar? Of course it doesn't! This guy is more closely related to "The Biggest Loser" than he is Idol. He actually QUIT the show. Now, as you can tell, I am not the biggest fan of this show, but seriously, if I had that gig, NO WAY I'd quit. That makes him one of the biggest idiots and losers of all time. And Idol's biggest winner of all time is not someone who sang, it is in fact Ryan Seacrest who went from a nobody to the new Dick Clark. That said, if he gets too cocky, DC will just cut his head off and take all his power and then he will regress 3o years in age and probably will end up with Seacrest's job. The only real difference between Seacrest and Clark is that Dick Clark is not a homosexual and Seacrest obvioiusly is. Now ladies, calm down! I SAID CALM!

Ok, can I finish now? Thank you. You said Ricky Martain wasn't gay either. Case proven. Thank you. I think Brian Dunkleman actually may have quit this show because he was tired of Seacrest's sexual advances towards him. Maybe they made him un comfortable, but looking back on it, I think that's probably a lie and he himself is just a closet homosexual who didn't want the world to slap him with the "Faggot" Title like Seacrest has been bitchslapped with. Seacrest makes no comment on it, why? Because why deny the truth. Hey, stop your yelling.. I'll prove my point again. Lance Bass. Toldja. I own this war of words. But I've read Dunkleman spends a lot of time bashing Seacrest, so perhaps it came down to a lovers quarrel? Maybe He wanted to be the catcher instead of the pitcher for a while? I suppose that can happen at times. Poor guy just wanted love and Seacrest was selfish. He should've hung around though, first off he'd have made gobs and gobs of money. Secondly, he'd now have that testosterone driven dyke Ellen to talk to. You know, its really sad if you think about it.

To see such a loving couple break up. They're young, in love and on top of the world, and then something probably as lame as what color sweater vest to wear broke them up. It just rips your heart apart to see shit like that happen... Hahahaha, no I'm just fucking with you, I think its fucking hilarious. Watching peoples misfortune and finding it truly entertaining is just human nature. A broken relationship or home is like a car accident. You're driving by, you see it, and you know you're like me when you see it, you go: "DAAAMMMNN!!! LOOK AT THAT SHIT! THAT'S FUCKED UP!!" Then you can't stop looking and end up rear ending the guy in front of you. Hahaha, maybe Seacrest should have done more rear ending himself and they would have lived happily ever after. But no, we see now that he has stayed with his show rather than his lover and he has become the ultimate winner of American Idol as he is now super popular while Brian Dunkleman enjoys a nice cup of sorrow and a salary that affords him Top Ramen. Dry your eyes my friends, its times like this you just have to remember the good days between them.

Once upon a time, they were happy. And THIS is AMERICAN IDOL.

Seacrest OUT!

Well now that we've covered the staff of this show, how they have no music talent with the exception of the awesome Paula Abdul and a minor bit of talent from the Black Turtle, lets turn to the trainwreck. I mean, talent. I mean.. contestants. What I love about them is they all thing they're fucking rad, when none are. I also love how they say, "This is my dream, this is my chance!" When two seconds before, the show mentioned they were from Bumfuck Arkansas. Seriously? If you want a chance, if you want a shot at the big times, you do what the pros do. You move to LA or Nashville, or New York, and you get your ass to work doing auditions making demo tapes and dealing with mass amounts of rejection. If I could sing, and had any talent what so ever, I'd audition for this show by singing "Cuz I gotta Golden Ticket!" From Willy Wonka. Why? Because that's what you're fucking after. You don't have the balls or talent to persue this as a real career, so might as well hope that star search picks up your sorry ass long enough for you turn a quick dollar or two before you disappear into obscurity for the rest of your worthless existance. These people piss me off almost as bad as the one's who get sent away and get super pissed off, "Whatever the fuck, y'all ain't heard the last of me! These judges don't know shit!" Well you're wrong there, I indeed HAVE heard the last of you.. and, actually, as much as I've been talking mad trash about them, most of them with the exception of Bulldyke, have AT LEAST been a music producer. So actually- they may not know a lot, but they know like 3 things. One of which is you have no talent, you're not attractive and theres no chance of you ever becoming famous so go back to BK and flip more whopper's you worthless specimen of human being. OR if you really want to do the world a favor, stop breathing and wasting my air. The worst part is, they'll keep breathing and they'll reproduce other retards who think they have some form of talent when they really don't. They too will also likely find some kind of talent show tv program to piss me off with in another 20 years, or perhaps cr1ck3e the next generation- but hopefully I'll have done the world a favor too, and not reproduced and created little cr1ck3e assholes running around throwing sand in the eyes of lesser children, and generally pissing off the public.

Here's the real thing that makes me laugh, more people become famous off of getting kicked off of this show than the ones who win. Lets talk about the so called "winners" for a minute. We've already discussed the Ultimate winner of Idol, but just to show you how fucked up our society is, we can take a look at the so called "winners" of this show, and see just how america once again, fucked something up. Actually, I created an educational picture to help illustrate just how good the collective public is at picking winners. That sounded so good, I should add something about our commander in cheif! But, I think I've said enough there, you know where I'm going with it. Back to Idol!

Now, if my calculations are correct, thats less than a 50% success ratio of the so called winners of Idol. So, to the ones who actually made it, congratulations to you miracle children: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordan Sparks. As for the losers who didn't do shit with their golden ticket accept eat too much candy and drink too much fizzy lifting drink.. You're all idiots. You should have propelled yourselves to a high end career, but no, you didn't because shortly after the taping of the last episode of your respected seasons, everyone realized how bad you are and soon there after forgot your names. I can't even insult you directly and individually because not even I can remember your names. So, you suck, America sucks for picking you, now go to hell. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

There is one stroke of luck for you, I hear Brian Dunkleman is looking for people to hang out with while basking in the fire of his misery. You should join him. I'd say you could call him, but his ass is so broke that he can't even afford a cricket phone. Then again, same goes for you, so maybe just go looking for him. Maybe you're already sharing a space under a bridge with him and you just don't know it.

To further the rediculousness of it all, there have been more people to have success in their careers after LOSING Idol than after winning. Perhaps getting voted off the island is a blessing in disguise.. Why you ask? Beacause...

Thats right chaps, America gets it wrong! We're confident we know how to pick real winners, but looking at American Idol, government, or breakfast cereal, its plain and simple: We can't pick anything right. From gayboy Clay Aiken who out sold Ruben Studdard, to gayboy Adam Lambert doing the same.. The proof is in the pudding boys and girls. To further the insult that the people making this show give to us, the viewers, they tell us, every fucking year- THIS is the most competitive season EVER!!! I say?

WRONG

Why? Just look at all the season 5 people who did better than the gray haired flop that won! The hot Katherine McFee, the dumbass (yet dually hot) Kelly Pickler, and lets not forget the fellow out doing them all:

Chris Daughtry. These people have proven that the real talented year was season 5. We're on 9 now.. Its gone down hill since. So, now lets conclude:

CONS

No beer. No drunk. No Paula with her fantastic boobs. Americans couldn't pick their way out of a paper sack. Poser Jerk Black Turtle. Ellen gets laid by someone hotter than you. (and me) Lonely yet power hungry Seacrest. The Queen Alien. Bad singing. Worse singing. Shitty songs.

Pros

One angry limey who wants to ruin everyone's day. Some retards on the show are attractive.

In conclusion, I have to rank this show as one of the worst on television. It is a clusterfuck of untalented individual's who have no ability to write their own music. It is codependant on America fucking it up. Its humor and hotness factor got fired. And really, it promotes homosexuality, which is great for Clay, Adam, Seacrest, and Ellen.. but for the rest of us who don't need your propaganda shoved down our proverbial throats like a bad prison rape scene.. fuck off. I think I'll make a singing show that showcases people who write their own music, sing well, and I'll get awesome judges.. Like Billy Idol, Cristina Scabbia, and Glenn Danzig. But whom to host it? Dick Clark - but only after he cuts off Seacrest's head and takes his power and regresses in age once again, as he has done since the dawn of time. Now its time for a letter grade for this mess of a show called American Idol.

Yup, F- you know if you dig deep down in your soul you'd rather listen to cats get run over by cars, watch paint dry, and give your dad a peticure. Find something better than Idol - Americans. You can do it.

cr1ck3e OUT!!