Relief.

Now that the God awful month of February is over, we can move on to a more joyous time in the world, and that is March. March always brings us relief because February is a trying month. For many reasons, I officially declare that it is the worst month of the year and I will explain in full detail how that came to be. You may be thinking right now that Feb. is a wonderful month, but its not. Welcome to relief month, my friends.

 

After years of study in the Mental Institute of Colorado, I have been released, thank the Gods. It was in there under heavy medication that I began my study of the calendar much like the Mayans did. I looked at the odd number of days in the year, and I divided by 42. What this told me is: I now know the secrets of the calendar year. So from there, I formed my thesis on each month. Each month has hits and misses, of course, because no one is perfect. February’s misses were at an astronomical high, and its hits? Nonexistent. So, from there I formed the hypothesis that in a year filled with absolutes and long division, February is the weak spot of this year. My doctors even told me I was the worlds leading expert on this, and so now it is becoming published fact. Do you believe? Why not?! You believe the Mayans, who though they could predict the end of the world, could not predict the end of their own civilization. If they are trust worthy, so I am I.

Now that we have that cleared up, lets get to the good stuff. Patient tested, doctor approved!

February sucks! Lets start with the obvious reasons.

Valentine’s Day

I’ve discussed the perils involved with Dooms Day before. Remember? Greeting Cards, etc. ? Let’s do a quick recap:

Valentine’s Day is a day of LOVE! OOoooOOoo mushy mushy! But, if you’re a man, this means a days of stress, because lets face it, if you’re like me you don’t know the difference between Jelly and Jam, and therefore the difference between gold, jewels, platinum, silver, and all that bullshit is lost on you. You look at all that crap in the jewelry store and say to yourself, which one would she think is pretty? The answer? Not the one you’re going to buy, you cheap fuck! Why? Because if it has more numbers behind the dollar sign, it is obviously more pretty than that 99$ necklace you heard advertised on the radio earlier today! So, you’re fucked, because it’s a down economy, gas is almost 4$ a gallon, and you only make 9$/hr at Walmart. This also means you’re probably working at the most generous Walmart in the world, you lucky asshole, the one I work at only pays 7.50. I hate you.

But I digress. So you can’t afford something really nice that she’ll like, so you buy something she’ll pretend she likes but never wear. You buy flowers which suck because they’re dead in 2 days because you picked the wrong KIND of flowers, but she pretended to like them anyways. And you forget.. you forget to get.. a fucking card. As we’ve discussed, all she wants is the fucking card, and all you want is to see her naked. Card = Naked. But you didn’t get her a card, therefore you end up jerking off in the shower alone, because that’s how V-Day works.

Why the fuck is Valentine’s Day represented with a heart? Because it’s a symbol of love. Because someone, somewhere, at some point in history, decided that giving someone your heart means that you love them. If you’re a man, there’s something you want given to you to show a sign of love, and it is not a heart.

Am I wrong here? No, I don’t think so. And if you’re a woman, you know I’m not. And if you’re a man, you’re still looking at the picture.

If you’re a woman in love than you too want something to be given to you. And its not the same thing as what a man wants.. that is unless you’re either:

• A Lesbian
• A Really Fun Girl

 

And yet, we must profess our loves to one another through a heart.

And who was it that decided that a heard look like that bubbly pretty thing that holds our festive chocolates? Have you ever looked at a real heart? I have! I like to rip them out of people all the time and feast upon them and then what I do is..

I mean, I saw a documentary on PBS once. Anyways, a real heart doesn’t look like that at all! As you can see here, this is a real drawing of a REAL heart! I didn’t want to gross you out and show you the one I ripped out last week.

So now, you tell me, how was it we determined what a heart looks like after seeing what this looks like? I think, the people who chose what they wanted a heart to look like have evolved into those people who vote on the winner of American Idol. Idiots. So, in conclusion, you didn’t get a card and you spent more than you could afford even though it wasn’t enough in the end. You didn’t get laid, and she didn’t get her pretty jewels. Another Dooms Day is a total failure, better luck next year. Or follow in my footsteps and be single on Dooms Day and read all the desperate ads for a date on craigslist to amuse you and then get a pizza, and watch a gory movie that makes you cheer! Like Ninja Assassin. The Buddha will tell you that this is the true path to enlightenment.

Oh, and you don’t even get the day off from work. Fuck Valentine’s Day.

Presidents Day

They get their own day, and its in this month! Yes! Now lets celebrate and party like Presidents! Here’s a guy who while he is in office, all the public does is bitch about how bad he sucks, then when he’s gone and the next one comes along, we forget about the last one and bitch about the new one. Why are we celebrating this?  Why does he need his own day? Lets look at the facts!

We, the poor Walmart employees pay for his salary, which is much more than our 7.50. We pay for him, his family, and his jets. We get to pay for his vacations, and we get to pay for his sex in the Oval Office. Here is a guy who not only gets paid to be the “most powerful man in the world” but he ALSO gets free fucking rent! Whaaaaaat? And it’s a big ass house. Its not like he’s living in the Projects here, he’s got a fucking mansion, complete with staff, aides, and security. Bullet and bombproof cars and his own FUCKING JET! And if that’s not enough, this dickwad who, probably at the end of his term we’ll look back and say, “well he really didn’t do shit did he?” And yet we have to celebrate his day? Fuck you! I refuse! And guess what?! We don’t get that day off of work either! What the fuck?! At least if you you want us to celebrate how much we hate our current office holder, give us the day off from work so we can riot in the streets like he fucking deserves! Fuck that! And why is it minimum wage is so low? Doesn’t the President have some say in that? I think we should make him pay rent at the White House and put him on minimum wage and see how fast it goes up. Hooray! See, we just need thinkers in office. I should be President, I want a jet and I’m tired of paying rent.

Groundhog’s Day

On this day we celebrate the existence of an oversized rat who lives in a hole. The fanatics in Pennsylvania come out to gather in the freezing cold to pull this rat out of its hole and put it on the ground. If said rat then sees it shadow it freaks the fuck out, because its not only a rat, but retarded, and runs back into its hole. That indicates we will have 6 more weeks of winter. If the rat does not see his shadow, it will frolic in the snow and bounce around like a retarded oversized rat, and spring is on its way.

Wait, what? Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? How is it that we name a RAT of all creatures that gets to decide the fate of winter? That’s really a fucked up notion. First off, as we all know, rats are disease carrying vermin who will give you plague and eat your cheese. Secondly, they are terrifying animals what will eat your face off while you sleep and you’d never know until you woke up in the morning and did not have a face. This is a fucked up scenario. Never trust in a rat to make decisions. Here’s that bad news! That fucking rat.. is usually DEAD ON RIGHT! What the hell? This is another fine example of how twisted life can be.

I hate winter, its too cold and I’m far too puny with no insulation to handle it. Winter itself is insulting, and if that’s not enough, the length of winter being decided upon by a rat just adds insult to injury to insult. The upside to this is there was a really awesome movie starring Bill Murray called Groundhog Day, which if you haven’t seen it, you probably should be shot because you are wasting oxygen. If the rat was a badass, it’d be worth having its own holiday. Like if it was the Arnold Swartzeneggar of rats. But its not, and never will be. Yet we are forced to pray, on this day, that the rat will not see its shadow so bikini season will start early this year! Damn you cruel fate. And another thing, this day.. you don’t get it off of work either. Fuck Groundhogs.

It is at this point that before I continue, I’ll make a quick side note. With my blog here, I try to offend everyone and everything in the most unserious way I possibly can. Therefore, if you don’t know, I do try and stay away from what could potentially be hurtful to anyone other than Democrats.  What is about to follow should be viewed in the same light.

Black History Month

Much like with Kwanzaa I feel as though I’m jipped out of getting to celebrate this. And I think the people who do get to celebrate this should feel jipped as well. Because I know how to celebrate like a motherfucker. Believe it. First off, as you know by now, I am not black, and therefore celebration seems to exclude me. Though that would normally not stop me from partying down like a mad motherfucker, today, and for the entire month of February, I abstain. First off, I don’t want to be considered a racist. That just would not be cool, right? EVEN THOUGH the idea of a Black History Month in and of itself is kind of racist don’t you think? Why is it there are no OFFICIAL White History Months? Or or or! Hispanic History Month, which, if you ask me, has a great ring to it. Hispanic History… hell we could even say it with an Antonio Banderas like accent and it then becomes sexy sounding, for as we all know, if you want to be sexy, you act like Antonio. FACT!

But just the fact that there is a whole month to celebrate nothing but but black history seems wrong. I mean, shouldn’t we as an equal people and all, celebrate each others history every month of the year? And if you’re black, do you find it a bit offensive that whoever chose that you get your own month to celebrate your history actually chose the shortest month of the year for you to celebrate? Why not a full 30 days? Or 31? If it’s a leap year, you get one extra day, which I guess could be cool because you’d be like: Remember last year we celebrated history for 28 days? THIS YEAR WE GET 29 BITCHES!!!

And bragging rights is pretty awesome like that. Screw that though, you’re still one or two days short of a normal month. This should not be acceptable to you, for it is not to me.

I know the people who think up all this are only trying their best to recognize everyone as equals, but regrettably the real truth here is they are further separating the races by showing just how special one is over the other, and I am not sure that’s right either. Its like BET. You know if someone came out with WET (which I admit it, it sounds dirty) there’d be problems and that shit would never get launched.  I’m just saying. Celebrate your history every month, don’t let the man tell you what month is yours.

BUT! As I said, bragging is something I love, so since there’s a month and channel you get and whitey’s don’t, my advice is rub it in their faces. Let em know just how rad it is that you get that shit when they don’t. Fuck I’d do it. I guess the bottom line is I’m just jealous.

But you don’t get to take the month off to celebrate, and again. Fucked. I blame February. As should you.

And finally, February is hard to spell. You have to add that R in where it should not be, and that makes me mad. Also, remember, it has 28 days unless its 29, which only happens every few years. Why not just make it the same? Makes little to no sense, but you can deal with it however you like. For me, its kinda like Daylight Savings, no one really knows when it happens, but it annoys the piss out of you every year.

So now you realize just how wrong the entire month of February is, and why yours truly took most of the month off. Welcome to March, life is good. I could talk about that more, but that’ll just give me something else to blog about later. And not in April. Promise. Kinda. Maybe.

Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.