Relief.

Now that the God awful month of February is over, we can move on to a more joyous time in the world, and that is March. March always brings us relief because February is a trying month. For many reasons, I officially declare that it is the worst month of the year and I will explain in full detail how that came to be. You may be thinking right now that Feb. is a wonderful month, but its not. Welcome to relief month, my friends.

 

After years of study in the Mental Institute of Colorado, I have been released, thank the Gods. It was in there under heavy medication that I began my study of the calendar much like the Mayans did. I looked at the odd number of days in the year, and I divided by 42. What this told me is: I now know the secrets of the calendar year. So from there, I formed my thesis on each month. Each month has hits and misses, of course, because no one is perfect. February’s misses were at an astronomical high, and its hits? Nonexistent. So, from there I formed the hypothesis that in a year filled with absolutes and long division, February is the weak spot of this year. My doctors even told me I was the worlds leading expert on this, and so now it is becoming published fact. Do you believe? Why not?! You believe the Mayans, who though they could predict the end of the world, could not predict the end of their own civilization. If they are trust worthy, so I am I.

Now that we have that cleared up, lets get to the good stuff. Patient tested, doctor approved!

February sucks! Lets start with the obvious reasons.

Valentine’s Day

I’ve discussed the perils involved with Dooms Day before. Remember? Greeting Cards, etc. ? Let’s do a quick recap:

Valentine’s Day is a day of LOVE! OOoooOOoo mushy mushy! But, if you’re a man, this means a days of stress, because lets face it, if you’re like me you don’t know the difference between Jelly and Jam, and therefore the difference between gold, jewels, platinum, silver, and all that bullshit is lost on you. You look at all that crap in the jewelry store and say to yourself, which one would she think is pretty? The answer? Not the one you’re going to buy, you cheap fuck! Why? Because if it has more numbers behind the dollar sign, it is obviously more pretty than that 99$ necklace you heard advertised on the radio earlier today! So, you’re fucked, because it’s a down economy, gas is almost 4$ a gallon, and you only make 9$/hr at Walmart. This also means you’re probably working at the most generous Walmart in the world, you lucky asshole, the one I work at only pays 7.50. I hate you.

But I digress. So you can’t afford something really nice that she’ll like, so you buy something she’ll pretend she likes but never wear. You buy flowers which suck because they’re dead in 2 days because you picked the wrong KIND of flowers, but she pretended to like them anyways. And you forget.. you forget to get.. a fucking card. As we’ve discussed, all she wants is the fucking card, and all you want is to see her naked. Card = Naked. But you didn’t get her a card, therefore you end up jerking off in the shower alone, because that’s how V-Day works.

Why the fuck is Valentine’s Day represented with a heart? Because it’s a symbol of love. Because someone, somewhere, at some point in history, decided that giving someone your heart means that you love them. If you’re a man, there’s something you want given to you to show a sign of love, and it is not a heart.

Am I wrong here? No, I don’t think so. And if you’re a woman, you know I’m not. And if you’re a man, you’re still looking at the picture.

If you’re a woman in love than you too want something to be given to you. And its not the same thing as what a man wants.. that is unless you’re either:

• A Lesbian
• A Really Fun Girl

 

And yet, we must profess our loves to one another through a heart.

And who was it that decided that a heard look like that bubbly pretty thing that holds our festive chocolates? Have you ever looked at a real heart? I have! I like to rip them out of people all the time and feast upon them and then what I do is..

I mean, I saw a documentary on PBS once. Anyways, a real heart doesn’t look like that at all! As you can see here, this is a real drawing of a REAL heart! I didn’t want to gross you out and show you the one I ripped out last week.

So now, you tell me, how was it we determined what a heart looks like after seeing what this looks like? I think, the people who chose what they wanted a heart to look like have evolved into those people who vote on the winner of American Idol. Idiots. So, in conclusion, you didn’t get a card and you spent more than you could afford even though it wasn’t enough in the end. You didn’t get laid, and she didn’t get her pretty jewels. Another Dooms Day is a total failure, better luck next year. Or follow in my footsteps and be single on Dooms Day and read all the desperate ads for a date on craigslist to amuse you and then get a pizza, and watch a gory movie that makes you cheer! Like Ninja Assassin. The Buddha will tell you that this is the true path to enlightenment.

Oh, and you don’t even get the day off from work. Fuck Valentine’s Day.

Presidents Day

They get their own day, and its in this month! Yes! Now lets celebrate and party like Presidents! Here’s a guy who while he is in office, all the public does is bitch about how bad he sucks, then when he’s gone and the next one comes along, we forget about the last one and bitch about the new one. Why are we celebrating this?  Why does he need his own day? Lets look at the facts!

We, the poor Walmart employees pay for his salary, which is much more than our 7.50. We pay for him, his family, and his jets. We get to pay for his vacations, and we get to pay for his sex in the Oval Office. Here is a guy who not only gets paid to be the “most powerful man in the world” but he ALSO gets free fucking rent! Whaaaaaat? And it’s a big ass house. Its not like he’s living in the Projects here, he’s got a fucking mansion, complete with staff, aides, and security. Bullet and bombproof cars and his own FUCKING JET! And if that’s not enough, this dickwad who, probably at the end of his term we’ll look back and say, “well he really didn’t do shit did he?” And yet we have to celebrate his day? Fuck you! I refuse! And guess what?! We don’t get that day off of work either! What the fuck?! At least if you you want us to celebrate how much we hate our current office holder, give us the day off from work so we can riot in the streets like he fucking deserves! Fuck that! And why is it minimum wage is so low? Doesn’t the President have some say in that? I think we should make him pay rent at the White House and put him on minimum wage and see how fast it goes up. Hooray! See, we just need thinkers in office. I should be President, I want a jet and I’m tired of paying rent.

Groundhog’s Day

On this day we celebrate the existence of an oversized rat who lives in a hole. The fanatics in Pennsylvania come out to gather in the freezing cold to pull this rat out of its hole and put it on the ground. If said rat then sees it shadow it freaks the fuck out, because its not only a rat, but retarded, and runs back into its hole. That indicates we will have 6 more weeks of winter. If the rat does not see his shadow, it will frolic in the snow and bounce around like a retarded oversized rat, and spring is on its way.

Wait, what? Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? How is it that we name a RAT of all creatures that gets to decide the fate of winter? That’s really a fucked up notion. First off, as we all know, rats are disease carrying vermin who will give you plague and eat your cheese. Secondly, they are terrifying animals what will eat your face off while you sleep and you’d never know until you woke up in the morning and did not have a face. This is a fucked up scenario. Never trust in a rat to make decisions. Here’s that bad news! That fucking rat.. is usually DEAD ON RIGHT! What the hell? This is another fine example of how twisted life can be.

I hate winter, its too cold and I’m far too puny with no insulation to handle it. Winter itself is insulting, and if that’s not enough, the length of winter being decided upon by a rat just adds insult to injury to insult. The upside to this is there was a really awesome movie starring Bill Murray called Groundhog Day, which if you haven’t seen it, you probably should be shot because you are wasting oxygen. If the rat was a badass, it’d be worth having its own holiday. Like if it was the Arnold Swartzeneggar of rats. But its not, and never will be. Yet we are forced to pray, on this day, that the rat will not see its shadow so bikini season will start early this year! Damn you cruel fate. And another thing, this day.. you don’t get it off of work either. Fuck Groundhogs.

It is at this point that before I continue, I’ll make a quick side note. With my blog here, I try to offend everyone and everything in the most unserious way I possibly can. Therefore, if you don’t know, I do try and stay away from what could potentially be hurtful to anyone other than Democrats.  What is about to follow should be viewed in the same light.

Black History Month

Much like with Kwanzaa I feel as though I’m jipped out of getting to celebrate this. And I think the people who do get to celebrate this should feel jipped as well. Because I know how to celebrate like a motherfucker. Believe it. First off, as you know by now, I am not black, and therefore celebration seems to exclude me. Though that would normally not stop me from partying down like a mad motherfucker, today, and for the entire month of February, I abstain. First off, I don’t want to be considered a racist. That just would not be cool, right? EVEN THOUGH the idea of a Black History Month in and of itself is kind of racist don’t you think? Why is it there are no OFFICIAL White History Months? Or or or! Hispanic History Month, which, if you ask me, has a great ring to it. Hispanic History… hell we could even say it with an Antonio Banderas like accent and it then becomes sexy sounding, for as we all know, if you want to be sexy, you act like Antonio. FACT!

But just the fact that there is a whole month to celebrate nothing but but black history seems wrong. I mean, shouldn’t we as an equal people and all, celebrate each others history every month of the year? And if you’re black, do you find it a bit offensive that whoever chose that you get your own month to celebrate your history actually chose the shortest month of the year for you to celebrate? Why not a full 30 days? Or 31? If it’s a leap year, you get one extra day, which I guess could be cool because you’d be like: Remember last year we celebrated history for 28 days? THIS YEAR WE GET 29 BITCHES!!!

And bragging rights is pretty awesome like that. Screw that though, you’re still one or two days short of a normal month. This should not be acceptable to you, for it is not to me.

I know the people who think up all this are only trying their best to recognize everyone as equals, but regrettably the real truth here is they are further separating the races by showing just how special one is over the other, and I am not sure that’s right either. Its like BET. You know if someone came out with WET (which I admit it, it sounds dirty) there’d be problems and that shit would never get launched.  I’m just saying. Celebrate your history every month, don’t let the man tell you what month is yours.

BUT! As I said, bragging is something I love, so since there’s a month and channel you get and whitey’s don’t, my advice is rub it in their faces. Let em know just how rad it is that you get that shit when they don’t. Fuck I’d do it. I guess the bottom line is I’m just jealous.

But you don’t get to take the month off to celebrate, and again. Fucked. I blame February. As should you.

And finally, February is hard to spell. You have to add that R in where it should not be, and that makes me mad. Also, remember, it has 28 days unless its 29, which only happens every few years. Why not just make it the same? Makes little to no sense, but you can deal with it however you like. For me, its kinda like Daylight Savings, no one really knows when it happens, but it annoys the piss out of you every year.

So now you realize just how wrong the entire month of February is, and why yours truly took most of the month off. Welcome to March, life is good. I could talk about that more, but that’ll just give me something else to blog about later. And not in April. Promise. Kinda. Maybe.