The Top Ten Ugliest Female Celebrities.

Welcome to another sparkling adventure of cr1ck3e pisses off the world! As something of a follow up to my last blog entry, I’ve decided to hammer out a textbook top ten list for you. Today’s topic obviously is ugly bitches. But theres a bonus couple honorable mentions too! Hooray! Please keep in mind, as we approach this list, all these women, in my world, would never been given a breeding license, and so you see how exactly this ties in with the last entry! On with the show!

I am a male, and my eye sight is very keen. In my time on this earth, I’ve seen many females, and they all rank from outstandingly hot, to god awful ugly. Sometimes you see one and she’s a butter face, and thats always a shame. I’ve seen them all and I have good tastes in beauty, even if I can’t nab them on a regular basis. This makes for the hugely popular over inflated ego PLUS the ability to spot the good ones.

What makes a girl ugly? Personality? Yes sometimes, but who gives a fuck about that. Look, its like the song goes: I can’t have sex with your personality and I can’t put my penis in your college degree. So, the obvious choice and deciding factor is: Their looks. These bitches are ugly as sin itself and we’re going to expose them for that ugliness today. Sorry ladies.

Before we begin, I’ll tell you a story. Once upon a time, I let my opinion be swayed by friends, family, and perfect strangers. As I made this list, i thought to myself, Self- lets get some opinions! So I did. Thank you to Facebook for making it possible, and a special thanks to all of you who contributed your own over opinionated view points. You know who you are. The rest of the viewing public does not, so heres to you: Megan, Lindsey, Michael, Sarah, Katie, Kadee, Scotty, Suzy, Mykallah, Bri, and Nikki.

I was giong to send a thank you card, but all I could find were happy cook me a steak and gimme a blow job day cards. Damn it all.

I have a couple of honorable mentions for you. What I’ve found out in making a top ten list in my experience, is theres a couple others you want to make the list, but they just don’t. And so today, we’re going to honor you, oh Majesties of Mediocrity.

Paris Hilton

In our last blog, we covered how shes worthless, but did we really cover how sinfully ugly this girl is? I mean, when it comes down to it, she really isn’t physically attractive. She looks kinda like a giraffe and perhaps a tad on the anorexic side. On top of that, she has probably the weirdest face in the world. its not attractive, but theres something about her digging in her crotch thats arrousing, right?

Kristen Stewart

What would my blog be without a dig on someone or something that has to do with Twilight? It too would be as ugly as this droopy eyed pale faced, nappy headed girl. She looks miserable all the time, she has no redeeming qualities to her attractiveness and so she makes the bottom feeders of hollyweird. Maybe if she tanned and learned how to smile she could pull off a “mildly attractive” status.. but I really don’t think so. Stare into her eyes. i swear its like looking at skeletor.

Julia Roberts

Here we have a horse faced giant gap for a mouth chick who is famous for her many popular roles which INCLUDE the one that makes her the living oxymoron. Pretty Woman. i think its hilarious that they find an ugly girl to play “pretty woman” – its perfect and it shows that the guy who made that movie really does have an excellent sense of humor! Especially when you take into consideration the other star of the show was a guy who likes to stuff gerbils up his ass. This makes Pretty Woman the greatest comedy of all time. I would watch it more often, but it keeps shattering the screen on my televisions, which is why i find myself unable to watch tv. Damn it.

Ellen Degeneres

How does one find such a darling sweet bulldyke bitch to pick on like me? It was by suggestion! And I must say, Ellen is not attractive, nor is she funny. First off if the bull dyke traits weren’t enough for you, she has some of the largest ears I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure she could fly like dumbo with those things. Going back to my rant on American Idol, I must say still that I hate her with the passion of a million fires in hell.  But she has one saving grace, and again, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. She’s banging a hot chick, and that automatically keeps her off of the top ten, because it HAS to count for something. If you have somehow forgotten just how smoking her chick is, please don’t forget again. Portia De Rossi. My god. But hey, good job ellen. I guess. Bitch.

Lady Gaga

Yes, she is ugly. She’s also new to the scene and perhaps we can give her time to get pretty? I think that though she is ugly and has a bigger penis than you, she should be given a bit of time to get her shit straight. Besides, she’s also British, right? That explains it all.

This picture cracks me up. Look at those glasses, they' are see through enough to tell she is a fugly chick, but to exentuate the uglyness she added glasses the size of a windshield, maybe she does it on purpose to fool us all? Nah, she’s prolly just stupid.

Michelle Obama

Is she really a celebrity? Eh I’m not sure, and I’m not even sure if I should continue on this war path. I created a lot of literature for this one, and even compared her to one of the gorillas from CONGO, but then I thought better of myself. I said, hey, people are gonna call you racist. And thats just not true, I hate pretty much everyone except myself, and that gives me the right to say the things that I say. It also should keep me free from any kind of governmental attacks.. but since the boys at the white house do as they please I’ll keep it simple. We’re so used to seeing a first lady that looks like either A. your granny (like Babs Bush) Or 2. A bull dyke that hates men (like Hillary) The simple fact is, Michelle Obama is a younger type of “First Baby Mama” And so we look at her int he light of is she attractive. She is not. I’m sorry Washington, but this is the kind of chick that if I see her in the bar, I know she’s going to lie to me every which way she can to get me in the sack, and being that I am gullible and easy, and a lightweight when it comes to drinking, I hate myself the next day AND have no clue where I am. This is also because I do not take women to the tree house because it has a secret password that If i told anyone, would no longer be secret. 

 

Kira Sedwick

Formally known as Mrs. Kevin Bacon. If you’re wondering who the fuck she is, she’s that chick from “The Closer” if you’re wondering what show that is, its on TNT, thats why you don’t know it. Lets face it, TNT sucks. I first noticed how ragingly ugly this lady is way back at the beginning of the Grunge Era, when she was in the awesome movie “Singles” she was someones love interest in that movie, though I couldn’t say why anyone would have interest in this girl. That’s a lie. Lets go back to the bar scenario. Were I to see her in a bar, I’d say HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT UGLY BITCH!  And then I’d notice that she has the perfect mouth for doing porn. And then I’d throw down some shots of liquid cocaine and maybe, JUST MAYBE- my opinion would change. And if it didnt, oh well. Here’s the sad state of life, thanks to the hit movie “Wild Things'” – we all are well aware of the Baconator’s Bacon. You remember the scene where he got outta the shower. The simple fact is, Kevin Bacon is not well endowed and thus, this woman’s only good attribute, her grotesquely oversized mouth- is completely wasted. She would have found better use for that thing where she to be married to Shaq. It sounds cruel, i know, but its true. Sometimes you have to be able to put your only good feature to work for you, and Kira has most certainly failed int his area of the world.

On the plus side, I think she could probably eat an entire bus filled with orphans with that mouth, and fit them all in at the same time, so kudos!

I’ve cracked open a fresh cup o noodles for dinner so now i’m really getting excited! Then again, thsi stuff is not good for indigestion so perhaps that’s it. Eh, fuck it.

Roseanne

Thats right, the same Roseanne from that horrible tv show which show cased a fat slob of a woman, her mostly jobless husband, her dyke sister, and her couple worthless children. This show was a sitcom, ie. Its supposedly funny, but in reality, all it did was give you a pretty look into a day in the life of white trash. Heres the real hilarity of the show, and that is this comedian Roseanne based the show off herself. She is loud, she is obnoxious, and more so shes a 400 lbs landmonster who has no redeeming good look about her. Fuck Roseanne and fuck her show, but not literally, because if you’d put it in that my friend, there’s something wrong with YOU. AND THA HOOOME OF THAAA BRRRAAAAVVVEEE! Gotta love American Women.

Rosie O’donnell

Ahh, Rosie. Another fat bitch gone annoying as fuck. You know at one time, she wasn’t a landmonster, she was chubby, yes, but not something she couldn’t over come. Then she played Betty in the Flintstone’s movie. We all loved her. Then she got a TV show on Daytime and she was super power. Fuckin watch out Opera, your kingdom is hereby invaded. Then she lost her mind, became a carpet muncher, and went off the motha fuckin deep end. Then some years later, she was BACK! On the view! God I hate that fucking show. If theres a view I don’t want, its Whoopi and Barbara Walters. So this bull dyke gets back on TV, gets popular again, and then KILLS IT ALL AGAIN. Not only is this bitch gained more weight than freight train, but she’s also lost her fool ass mind. This is a double whammy. If I saw her in a dark alley, I think I’d run, and you should too. I don’t care if you carry a gun, NO ONE IS SAFE. hell if you have a gun, she’ll prolly kill you by giving you the evil dyke stare like she is Medusa or an evil overweight oily skinned Carebear.

Tori Spelling

You gotta kinda feel bad for Tori. Here’s a girl who has kinda made her entire career off of being “The Ugly One”. Take 90210 for instance. All these hot chicks, Shannon Doherty, Jenny Garth, Tiffany Amber Theissan, and then.. Tori Spelling. Admittedly she only got the job because her daddy produced it, but it made that show REAL man.. Heres allt hese hot chicks and their grenade friend Tori Spelling. The truth is, with every group of good looking girls, theres always one who is either ugly, fat, or ugly and fat. Tori isn’t fat but she is certainly not pretty. Lets examine why she is ugly. First off she is horse faced as well, and thats too bad for her. But she is not feminine horse face like Julia Roberts, though she is clearly still a chick, she has a very Jay Leno noggin, and thats horrible for her. ManhorseTori Spelling. This chick has tried TRIED so hard SO SO SO hard to be considered pretty. Eventually she found someone who married her for her money because he thought she was a nasty ugly thing with a lot of money pretty. So kudos to that, but no matter what you say, do, wear, and not wear, you’ll still be a masculine horse faced ugly girl. So ugly is she, that were I to approach a group of girls in a bar with this man horse girl I would send a good buddy after her. Thats right, I could not even wing man that shit. As I said, I’m easy, I’m light weight, and I can be taken advantage of, and if I woke up to her saying, “SURPRISE!” I think I’d hate myself until the Browns win the superbowl. So, forever.

 

We made it. Welcome. The Top 5 is on the way. At this time though, I’d like to talk about Johnson and Johnson. Does your baby have diaper rash?

Where the fuck did that come from?

 

 Courtney Love

I’ll admit, I struggled with the thought of putting Cobaine’s murderer on the ugly list. But the overwhelming results from my polling added her to the list. You, the fan’s.. you sealed her fate and made her one of the ugliest bitches of all time in the history of the world times infinity! These are the fruits of your labors! Here we go, Courtney Love. Shes trashy, shes ugly, but shes also strung out on every drug known to man. Heres something more funny than that, she is crazy as fuck. Granted most women are, but still this chick is REALLY fucked in the face. And she killed Cobaine, not that I really give a damn because I am gonna throw this out there, i don’t really like much Nirvana. Its not that great. I’m sorry.  Anyways, thsi woman dresses trashy, her hair is trashy and her pale pastey skin is disgusting. This is the kind of chick you look at and you wonder how many things have been inside her? When you see her at the bar, you turn to your buddy and say, I wouldn’t hit it with your cock man. And then, he vomits, not out of drunken stupor, but out of seeing her clearly. So you ask, why cr1ck3e, did you deliberate on putting her on the top ten? That is easy. I’ve seen her look good. Once, maybe twice. Observe the picture. the only thing you can really say is OMG WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?! The truth? She doesn’t know either.

Cher

SHES A MAN, MAN. It seems hardly fair to call her one of the ugliest women of all time, because she is a he I think and there for he/she/it should automatically be disqualified, but for the sake of argument, we’ll go with wrong popular opinion that it is indeed a female. This thing has been around since the dawn of time, it could very well be the last of the dinosaurs. Yet it still acts as though it is some kind of sex symbol. The truth? It is absolutely right, it is a sex symbol. Its the kind of thing you look at and you realize that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage! If there were ever a time you think abstaining from fornication, its after laying eyes on Cher. If there is one thing wrong in this world, is how everyone likes to wear spandex. If there are two things wrong in this world, it is spandex- and then Cher. It sings, weirdly, it dances, seductively? It has a voice deeper than my own and is taller than Xena Warrior Princess. I actually saw a video of it at prom slow dancing with Godzilla. They were such a cute couple. Ever wonder why Godzilla is so pissed off? Its because he found out that Cher has a penis. That’ll ruin your night and make you question everything. But if you could turn back time Godzilla, you’d not have taken off those pants and see it’s creative and skilled ability to do the tuck. This is why when you see a chick at the bar like this, you must remind yourself of the famous song Lola, by the Kinks. “I’m not the worlds most passionate man, but I know what I am, I’m a man and so is my Lola! Lolololololola! Beware boys.

We’re at the top three! Are you excited yet? Me neither, Lemme get a cigarette. Ok, go get one. Ready? ALRIGHT WE’RE FUCKIN EXCITED NOW!!!!!!!!

Sarah Jessica Parker

YES! Yet another horse face makes the list! SJP has alot going for her. Successful movies, horrible TV show, and legs that go from here to Egypt. This is the kind of girl that we refer to as a “Butter Face” .. “OmG, look at those tits! And that ass! And those legs! … butter faacceee..” Perhaps you’d prefer a more artistic approach.. “The Monet” Good from afar, but far from good. Looks good across the room, but up close its splotchy and nasty. Thats Sarah Jessica Parker. Lets talk about the humor associated with this Woman of WOAHMAHGOD! She has a terrible tv show she is on, but everyone seems to love it. I can’t see the sex that she brings to the city. She’s married to Faris Bueller so good for her, she found a midget to love! Everyone should love a midget, they’re cute and they fit in a suitcase! So she brings the lack of sex to the city, even though she has legs that’ll go for days, but look upon the pictures of her without make up, you can definitely tell she is a horse in disguise!  And whats with the wicked witch mole? You’re rich, get it fucking removed. She also proves that you should never call a phone sex lady. She has a pretty nice voice, its light, its fun, its girly, and you think, this chick must be hot! WRONG! They never are. My advice, if she looks good and sounds like she’s been smoking since birth, you’re far better than a pretty voice and horse like ugly face. Sorry SJP fans. She could break a mirror.

Amy Winehouse

After looking through some pictures, i realized that this girl is a total photoshop air brushers dream! She is easily a contender for the ugliest human being on earth, much less the ugliest female. It was a close race, I assure you. So she can sing, k. And she does drugs REALLY well! AND SHES BRITISH! Yes thats right, I said it was almost unfair but really, i couldn’t resist with this chick. She looks like hell chewed her up and spit her out on the earth because she tasted too nasty. If you take the ugliest, nastiest pictures of Courtney Love her trashiness cannot even come close to comparing to the trashy nastiness that this broad has going for her. Its hideous and disgusting. She’s missing teefs like shes a hall of fame hockey player. her hair is nappy, her make up is grotesque and theres nothing in this world that can help her. She is without a doubt, vomit in the flesh. For her non photoshopped picture, I just had to leave it as is so you can see the truth to how hideous this chick really is. The drugs don’t help, but I don’t think anything could help. Not even those wizard doctors from The Swan could help this girl. If I saw her at a bar, I’d be afraid I’d catch something from across the room. As should anyone else.

 

Its time.. are you ready?

 

 

Hilary Swank

That right, despite how nasty these other contenders are, this one takes all the cake and devours it along with your soul. This chick could break a mirror not even in the same state as her. In fact, just thinking of her ugliness makes all the glass things in my house break. What’s worse is she is famous. She’s won AN OSCAR! This chick is so ugly she was cast in a movie once where she played a girl pretending to be a boy. And guess what? It was believable that she was a boy, because that’s how hideous she is. This is the queen of the nasties.  She might be an alien. She kinda looks like something from Mars Attacks! Its appropriate that she is in the movies though, because she goes to these premiers and they always feel better in a theatre when she’s there, because if the screen rips somehow, they can always have her stand up front and project the movie in HD off of her forehead. Do i feel bad for SkankySwanky? Fuck no, she’s rich as fuck. Its funny, in my journey to bring you nasty pictures, I came across a photoshoot where she tried to showcase just how UNugly she is. They were fantastical pictures because they all hid her oversized forehead and fugly ass face. This tells us one thing: She is doubly ugly because she knows how ugly she really is. But heres the bad news! She has a pretty good body. So, would I hit it? FUCK NO! If i saw this chick at the bar, my face would melt off. This is why I’m thankful I’ve not run into her. There is a solution though.. Here is help for her. I have come up with it, and I will share it with you as you can see in the picture. This picture is the most beautiful picture of Hilary Swank you will ever see. There you have it, agree or not, this is the undisputable hard factual evidence as to why each of these so called female celebs are on a list that will haunt your nightmares from now until the end of your lives! I’m sorry to have done this to you all, but take solace in knowing fully that these are in my brain and nightmares. Congratulations Hilary, you’ve won another award, and this one was handed out honestly. You are, hands down, the ugliest female celeb on the face of the earth, of all time, in the history of the world, times infinity!