Natural Selection

I’m going to start this one off with a classic way to piss off at least 50% of the Americans out there, so without further gilding or lilly, lets jump into this episode right away!

wut? how kin yew hayt nascaaaaaar? its so guuud! actually, its not, and neither are you. but lets not get carried away with ourselves here. I must first indulge you into the divine insight that will make you realize that this is another amazing session of truth and I the bringer, will justify all reasoning without a question of doubt. Goddamn my toes are tingling, i can’t fucking wait! Or maybe that is because i have atheletes foot. you know, coach always said to prevent that to just pee on my feet, but when you bathe in a sink that really fucks everything up. so fuck you coach, and fuck you capitalization! here we go!

natural selection

–noun

the process by which forms of life having traits that better enable them to adapt to specific environmental pressures, as predators, changes in climate, or competition for food or mates, will tend to survive and reproduce in greater numbers than others of their kind, thus ensuring the perpetuation of those favorable traits in succeeding generations.

From Dictionary.com

I have not been naturally selected into extinction. In fact, as I approach my mid second century of life, I’ve found that I’ve only increased in strength, much like Dick Clarke, but lets face the facts. i am no where near strong enough to take on a titan like DC. I do my shopping at Walmart. It is there that I see the most retarded people on the face of the planet, and it is there I have honed my skills for picking out who really should not be on this earth any longer. But wait! theres more, I go from walmart to walmart, even into the ghetto to discover who should be eradicated from this planet. so well versed am i that I have formulated a great plan to help the failing natural selection in this world. I won’t tell you my plan yet, because that’d be no fun. So sit back and relax, its time to piss some rednecks off first!

Nascar Sucks!

Its true, and it sucks for many reasons. First off, you have a “sport” that is dominated completely by rednecks. As we all know, the only sport that rednecks should participate in is horseshoes, beer drinking and cousin fucking. However, here’s where it gets even more fun. They drive REALLY FAST… IN AN OVAL! hO-leE sheeyit, ya’ll! The athletic ability to make a constant left turn is so amazing, no one with higher than a GED can deny it. But theres a much bigger reason to hate nascar. the fans. these inbred redneck pig fuckers really should be eliminated from face of the earth because first off, they’re retards. furthermore, they smell funny. finally it is because they decide to meet their cousins, or as they call them “spouses” who also like nascar, listen to shitty ass country music, and do the boot scootin boogie way to well. Have you ever seen what they drive to a nascar race? You’re thinking, ya, a mobile home. WRONG! Its called “their house” – this puts them atop a list of people who need to be wiped from the face of the earth, they’re sucking in my oxygen and they spit it out with that fat ass wad of chew thats in their lip and thats just not ok.

Speaking of driving, theres something i’ve noticed about the drivers in the world. first off, they suck assholes. I find as i cruise around this land locked hell hole that there are too many fucks who don’t know how to work their automobile, and that makes me angry enough to push a blind person down a flight of stairs. Lets talk about an interesting statistic that comes along with drivers of moving cars. Some get to die at the side of the road. Thats fun, right? Natural selection working its magic! But its not really, Natural Selection is obviously just an anti-semi motherfucker who hates christians.  I know you know what I’m talking about. how many times have you been driving along and then you look over at the side of the road and see something like this picture here. flowers, memorial, and a CROSS. That is because the grim reaper hates christians though I never know why. But the truth is, have you ever seen anything other than a cross on the side of the road? 

I spent some time thinking of this, and I’ve realized that jews do not die at the side of the road, but if they did it might look like this. I think thats a falsity though, it cost’s way to much to put some crap at the edge of the road so everyone knows uncle Saul got a lil too drunk last Sabboth, and on his way to go home and spin his fuckin dradel, he wrapped his car around a telephone pole. Poor Saul, he always gave me a fruit cake. Every year, without fail.

If theres anyone who wishes the Jews were naturally selected by the earth for elimination- its the Muslims. And vice versa. But true too, you never see a muslim memorial on the side of the road. I guess the crescent moon is just that much harder, much like the star of david, to make a memorial out of, but never fear, as you can see, I have once again, delivered what it should look like. now you know how to spot those sneaky towelheads roadside memorial.

Know what’d be even more screwed up? A Buddhist roadside memorial. Buddha always looks so happy. thats not the kind of thing you want for a roadside memorial.

See? Who puts a statue of a smiling fat man to mark a memorial of someone who has died? NO ONE DOES! I would totally do it. In loving memory of Ching, rest in peace, enjoy the giant smiling fat man.

 

Here’s another. What about Hindu’s? Can they even drive? You bet they can! In case you’re curious, Indian’s are Hindu, thats right! They drive to the gas station for work, and in their home land they drive to a call center to answer all your technical and billing questions for whatever company you need to call! the amazing thing is though, they do not drive into telephone poles. I think that death does not claim these flower selling dot heads because a memorial of their god or goddess or whatever they choose to worship; that would be a tough memorial and not even one so cunning as death could pull it off. I have pulled it off for you, and it has become apparent even to me why theses guys dont die in traffic. The main reason though, is so you can smell the curry when you hit 7/11 and hear that “Ello! Weh-ko-me!” Upon further contemplation, this roadside memorial would likely be a total death trap. Old people would see it and have a heart attack. younger people would be driving – what the fuck is THAT?! and you can see where the pandamonium would destroy. Thats not natural selection, thats Indian selection, and in america they have no reason to hate us, its not like we were the english or something. We hate limey’s too, my indian cousins, and we feel bad for you, so please, TAKE OUR JOBS! YAYAYAYYY!!! There, now we can be best friends.

If theres a group of people who really need to be naturally selected off of this earth, it is not the jews, christians, muslims or hindus. No no no, cr1ck3e does not hate with discrimination that versitile! Oh no, he hates with a modern edge thats wonderful.

Celebrities

Thats right, celebs must be eradicated from this planet, and they must be taken out soon, because they are a plague on our society. how many days have I driven to work, listening to the radio, and i hear celebrity news. Here’s the amazing thing: THIS IS NEWS! I was sitting in a mechanic shop not long ago, watching their tv, because I have no tv of my own. It was CNN. CNN was broadcasting about a celeb who has recently and mysteriously lost his fool ass mind. I think to myself, why is this news? Its not, so shut the fuck up and tell me something that I give a fuck about! Either that, or maybe that fine ass anchor woman should take her shirt off and at least make this station entertaining. But no, they did neither, thus showing how lame society really is- because if my wishes were granted, life would be so much better.

You’re thinking to yourself, WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Celebs rule! Who would need holocausted and why? Well lets give a couple fine examples. Enjoy the following celebrities plagues to society!

Paris Hilton

Cmon, you can’t deny what a worthless peice of shit she is. That being said, I do love her and aspire to grow up to be her. People ask me, cr1ck3e, what do you want to be when you grow up? I answer: Paris Hilton. They ask why? I say, what does she do? They say, she whores around, parties and is rich for no reason.

BINGO

This chick is probably the most worthless peice of shit to walk the planet, AND she has a funny looking face. but she has a banging body and likes to have her tits pop out of her dress all the time! this makes her picture worthy. heres another bit of whoring you’ve heard of, she doesnt like to wear panties either! SCORE! She is a hero to woman kind, if there were more women like her, no one would ever need a relationship, AND no one would ever go home alone again. I can’t fathom why more girls don’t look up to her? But, the more famous you are, the more famous your fuck ups are.. And as we all know, Paris is a worthless celeb who wishes she were born a porn star, enter her boyfriends video taping her lack of bedroom skill, AND it even has some night vision scenes, which makes it much more high tech. Paris Hilton: High Tech Super Whore! Thats what she does for a living. I’ve seen her in a movie. She can’t act. i’ve seen her in One Night in Paris, she looks dull in bed. She made a musical album of some kind where she.. sang? Yah, its not good. Perfume? Um, I’m a guy, all perfume smells the same. If you have strong body wash you’re probably smelling good to a guy ladies, keep that in mind and save your money. And don’t give me that line of you buy it for you, because its bullshit and we all know it.  So lets count down her reasons for eradication. Can’t sing, can’t act, can’t fuck and is a general overall worthless piece of shit. She flaunts her shit like she’s PEWP Spokeswoman Pamela Anderson, she shows off her crotch and boobs in “accidents'” and she doesnt wear panties. Thats too many reasons to count, but the sad truth is, shes rich, and would wouldn’t hit it?

  Sorry Paris, you’re worthless beyond all reasoning, theres no reason for you to be wasting so much oxygen as you blow 15 guys in the back of you limo.

I’m kidding, there is one thing shes good at, and thats taking pictures. if you look at the one up there that says her title of professional whore you know without a doubt, despite the fact that she has one of the goofiest weird faces of all time in the history of the world, she knows how to work that face and get her picture taken. Police know she likes getting her picture taken too, that’s why they keep pulling her over! They want free blow jobs, money, and to take her picture! So here’s to you Paris Hilton. Worthless beyond all imagination, wealthy beyond wildest dreams, my hero, and one of the biggest reasons why Celebrities need to be annihilated from the face of the earth. That’s hot.

 

Mel Gibson

He was once a heart throb, now he’s a jew hater and a drunk! No one saw it coming! I did, and it was easy to spot. If you look for the signs, you can always tell someone is a little insane. Check out all those old Lethal Weapon movies, he totally had a mullet, and i dont care if they were in style or not, it took someone a bit insane to roll with business in the front and party in the back. This guy is a nut bag and you should have know he was gonna turn out evil in the end. The simple truth is though, I’m kind of pleased he went bat shit crazy, because this way he is WAY more entertaining. This is also the said celeb they were talking about on CNN that was major news. Apparently after going jew hater, he and his wife of 123 years split up and he started dating a hot 20 year old! GO MEL! but now he’s all pissed off and leaving messaged on her phone calling her a whore. I saw her picture. She totally looks like a whore. I can’t remember her name either, so yes.. I love her.

Like every other celebrity though, he takes a pretty mean mug shot, so good job mel! Ok so here we have former heart throb turned woman and jew hater. Is that enough reason to kill him along with the other worthless peoples of Hollyweird? NO THIS IS NOT ENOUGH REASON! He is also a terrorist, i beleive. Call me crazy if you lke, but i think the actor in him went way too far and he took on a roll as Sadaam Hussain’s stunt doublt.. OR WAIT! MAYBE WE KILLED THE WRONG SADAAM! OH SHIT

Now you’re wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, but look at these pictures and tell me if you can honestly tell who is who from them? The simple truth is you cannot. I think perhaps Mel is innocent of jew and woman hating, and was really just a terrorist Sadaam look a like, and we killed the wrong guy! UGHK! Thats why he’s not in movies anymore! SHIT! We gotta put an end to this guy NOW! Sorry Sadaam/Mel!!!

I actually heard some more worthless news on him just the other day! Guess who is counseling him now? BRITNEY SPEARS! Is there anything more fucked up that that? How do you help a fucked up persons image? Talk about a MORE fucked up person helping them. I was going to target Britney on this one, but since she loves me and WILL write me back someday I won’t insult her. She’d better write back. Bitch. MOVING ON!!!

I have one more example to give you before I’m sure you’ll be so sold on this idea that you’ll totally go Charles Manson on the entire state of California, but hold on, lets talk about her, because shes big big “news” these days, even though I’m not sure why. I’ll tell you what I’m really not sure about, and thats how natural selection has missed:

Lindsey Lohan

She’s known to sue people who talk shit about her. Lindsey, don’t sue me, I have nothing but this rad ass tree house. And my dogs. And you CANT HAVE THEM DAMN IT! She won’t read this shit anyways, cuz her fool ass is in the clink! HERE WE GO!!!

Where do you start with a kid as fucked up as Ms. Lohan? Lets start at the beginning, the source of all evil on this earth touched Ms. Lohan in the most incredible way. First off, MONEY. I don’t truly think money is the route of all evil, but its one of them. The other is women. Lindsey was born with a vagina. She was fucked form the get go.  Its easy to tell if your baby is going to grow up to be crazy. First check for a vagina. Secondly, check for a mullet. if they have neither, theres a good chance they’ll be somewhat sane. But this is not a guarantee my friends, I’m sorry. Lastly, she was a child star, and all child stars grow up to be fucked in the face. Theres been the Spears girls, or all those kids from Home Improvement. And the worst of all, theres no hope for child stars of Disney. DISNEY is the final route of all evil.

The simple yet sad truth is, this girl fell into that same plague infested waters as the Corey’s from the 80s, and has now become a drug addict and a whore. What has made me more angry is how she wouldn’t leave me alone. Look, Lindsey, I’m not your late night booty call without lots of great presents and shit. Britney bought K-Fed a ferarri, what do i get? NOTHING! I’m so cheap. Ahh well, down to brass tax. here we have a person who has made horrible movies, including the ones when she was a cute lil girl. She made a horror movie more recently that in it, she was a stripper. YES! She didn’t show her boobs. what? Seriosuly, how do you play a stripper in the movies without showing the goods? Even Marissa Tomei did showed the twins off. Wait. wait. Maybe shes just modest is all guys… 

Ok, so never mind. here was have another bra-less, panty-less wonder who cruises the world in a limo and passes out hand jobs to the rich and famous. Can’t act, can’t sing, and like Paris, is a professional whore. This is also one of the many reasons I secretly love her and am happy she does terrible things and only has to serve 90 days in jail. This chick needs to go to federal pound me in the ass prison like OJ. Thats the big problem here, we give celebs special treatment, and they aren’t special, and then eventually they chop someone’s head off. It’s really time society stopped looking up to these retards and we help Natural Selection do its job and eradicate them from the planet. Or stop giving a fuck what they do.

Back to the task at hand of ripping her a new one that she can showoff to the world, I’ll make a sad sad comparison to her with probably the hottest, most popular piece of tail walking the Hollywood scene right now. Lets take Megan Fox. She can’t act, she can’t sing, and she is a retard with a nice rack. Why is she famous? Because Lindsay is a cracked out fuck up who can’t keep her shit straight. Observe the following picture. Lindsay, remember, this is for you to read and be motivated to change your life.

That’s right, when one person fucks up, Hollywood finds a new one who looks exactly like her to take their place. Take for instance Wynonna Ryder and Kiera Knightly. When we discovered Wynona was a clepto, Kiera became famous. its a sad way of the world.

So there you have it, irrefutable examples of why celebs need to be either A. Ignored, or 2. Eradicated. You choose, but the bottom line is, their existance does not enhance our lives, its mearly makes us all more stupid for having to listen to unattractive DJ’s on the morning radio spew endlessly on the worthless “news'” of the WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK segmant on the drive to work. Everytime Celeb “News” comes on, I think I’d rather listen to a homicidal maniac kill 50 kittens maliciously than be subjected to worthless shit that makes no difference as to why I’m  late that day, and it certainly does not help my excuses.

“Sorry I’m late man, I had a late night snorting cocaine and blowing random strangers in the back of a limo.”

No wonder I can’t hold down a job. Thank God for unemployment!!!!

 The Solution

The solution is simple and I will give you examples to support this solution! People should not be allowed to breed as they wish. I know educationless, jobless retards who have reproduced and I think the only reason they reproduced is because they were too stupid to know how to work a condom. We must take back the power in our country and NOT let these people reproduce. How do we do that? Its as simple as driving a car.

Breeding license! Not for everyone though, only selected people. We base it on lots of qualifications. Intelligence, cunning, and looks. This helps eradicate the world of retards, obesity, rednecks, nascar, celebrities, and people who are undeserving to have children. The following is just a few examples of what I do down at the Department of Breeding and Reproduction.

Sam and Judy applied by filling out the form and sending it in to me last week. I reviewed the application and picture that was sent, and though they looked like a reasonably intelligent couple, they both liked to eat 15 meals a day.

Thinking from an economical stand point, I could not accept their application because there is simply not enough food to go around in tough times, and we do not need to procreate more little land monsters. Sorry Sam, sorry Judy. Please go on biggest loser and apply again!

The Celebrity couple of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlet Johannsson applied 3 weeks ago. I did a thorough review, from 2 guys a girl and a pizza place, to Ironman 2. This couple is wealthy, smart, funny, and in good shape. They will not breed inbred nascar loving swines who become child stars and live up to zero worth in the future. Congrats you two, you’ve been approved for your breeding license! Now you don’t have to have only anal anymore! Go team!

Chuck and Lisa applied for the 5th time recently. They continue to not lose weight or gain any social status what so ever. It was with my deepest condolences that i had to deny them once more. As they' continue to age, I’m not sure birthing a child is a wise idea anymore. Chuck uses a cane, Lisa doesn’t look like she could survive the birthing process. You two are an adorable couple, but it just can’t happen guys. Your applications have been denied for the final time, further inquiries will be met with the circular file that sits next to my desk. God bless.

This adorable couple applied all the way from England! I read carefully through their application and decided that with the abundant sporting abilities, singing talent, dancing, good looks, good taste in clothes and hair cuts.. that I could not with a clear conscience deny them the ability reproduce little spice girls and football players. Congrats you two, I hope you spend many years reproducing wonderful children! OH! And beware of hot nannies, Beck, I hear they suck a mean dick can make your wife jealous!

There you have it, another insight into the day in the life of a caring world government employee! Here at the Department of Breeding and Reproduction, we really do care and we look over all your applications carefully. So don’t be shy! Apply for your license today! Who knows? You could be the next person approved to make a baby!

Applications can be sent by email, please include your address, phone number, and a picture of yourself and potential mate! We want to make sure your partner is approved too!