Gladiator vs. Braveheart

This is an age old question dating back to the dawn of time. I actually took a poll once, at work, as to who would win in an epic grudgematch. They got it wrong, so today, many years later, I'm here to correct it and show the truth. Today we will answer who will win in a fight to the death.. William Wallace vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Today, you have the opportunity to guess who you think will be the real winner. Guess now.

....


Can you hear the Jeopardy music?


TIMES UP!

I am an epic movie connoisseur. (thats right, I looked up how to spell that word.) Seems some of you have been criteekink mah lak ov speln skilz. i don cayr fer spelnz. sos, shutupz.

Back to the task. Yes, epic movies. They're great. you watch them once, I watch them fifty trillion times. Its true. And thats for many reasons. A. They rock, 2. Theres usually bewbz in them. That said, i really do watch the crap outta these kinds of movies, because they're awesome. SO, that makes me an expert on this subject. Also, we're gonna add some real to this post. some HISTORY, thats right ladies and germs. History. Not like that horrible Michael Jackson album HIStory. We're talking back to highschool shit. Are you ready? You better be!

These two goddamn epic titans are about to square off, one on one. Its like the old nintendo game Jordan vs Bird, except niether of them is black, and there is no basketball. Other than that. Identical. As you can see, at our first look at these two contenders that Maximus wears armor. This brings up two important points of interest.

1. He is smart because he wants to live longer
2. He is a pussy compared to the berserker style combant that Wallace uses
   
   

How do you rate this advantage? Well since this is a grudge match, you'd want to award points to Maximus for being smart and wearing it. Also, you award points to Wallace for toughness. For Maximus the armour can be restricting though, and thus slows his movement down, no matter how much dirt he rubs on his hands. That said, if a slash comes at him poorly, he can take the brunt of it and live. The outcome:

Draw

Next up, lets look once again at armor.

Maximus wears a helm. Granted is a sweet fuckin helm. I mean, if you HAD to pick a helmet to wear, wouldn't you wear this one? Of course you would. It covers the important parts, like your nose.. I mean, if you lose an eye, you still got one good one. If you lose your nose, imagine how disfigured and ugly you'd be. Also, you couldn't smell. That'd totally suck. So, again, he's wearing armor to protect himself and you have to give pointers to that, but in the long run, those pointers only point so far. If someone hit him with a hammer, say.. he'd still be dead. If you're chopping at someones noggin like that, you're likely aiming for the neck. So, yes- the helm protects against a little, but not nearly as much as a badass suit of armor does.

William Wallace on the other hand, does not wear a pansy ass helm. He wears sweet ass blue facepaint, and the blood of his enemies. Pros and cons? Obviously, if someone tossed a rock at you, it'd hurt worse. If someone chopped at you, you'd still be just as able to be beheaded. But, you could lose a nose. We've already discussed this matter.

The fact you're not wearing a helm makes your eye and head movement less restricted. You don't look like a badass in this silver monstrosity with fuckin rad spikes all over it, but you look UNHOLY with the blood of your enemies splattered all over your skin. So the outcome?

Advantage Wallace

Next up, lets talk about style points. This is a tough one. Now all of you are thinking, yes, armor is way cooler than wearing a skirt! Ok first off, its a kilt so piss off, wanker! Secondly, if you notice, not only did Maximus wear a gayby blue potatoe sack under his armour, but also no pants, thus they both wear skirts. Maximus fights because he wants to honor the old Cesar and give Rome back to the people. He is PISSED because they killed his ol lady and his kid! BASTARDS! William Wallace fights because he wants to free Scotland from the tyrany of the English fucksticks who've been picking on them for a long time! He's PISSED because they killed his brother, his father, and then his wife! BASTARDS! Style points:

Draw

Now, we'll talk history. HISTORY! Yay! You love it. As we all know, the Scotts have never managed to conquer.. well, pretty much anything. Where as the Roman's went across the world conquering all in their path! One would think this would give them an advantage in this area, ahh but there is a rub you maybe don't know. The Roman's invated Britain and conquered. But, the Scotts were pissed and kept fighting back. The barbarian's to the north were such a pain in the ass to the Roman's they actually built a wall to keep them out. Some of that wall still stands today, its called Hadrian's Wall. (its not very impressive looking anymore) Eventually, the Roman's had enough and just straight left. Chalk one up for Scotland.

Advantage Wallace


Time for more history, don't pretend like your bored, you know you're learning something.
We've covered armor, now lets cover weaponry. Roman's had wonderful little swords. I say little with a bit of jest, but its true.. they used short swords. The Scotts mostly used Claymores. As for that, thats a big fuckin sword. Often time's they'd wrap it on the blade and use it as a spear as well. Scotland has always had a flare for the dramatic. Sure it'd be easier to use a spear, but cmon, swords are so much cooler. Check it.


Now, if you were gonna fight someone man to man, which would you choose? Already can you hear the taunts of "Mine's bigger!!" I bet you can you sicko! So for weaponry..

Advantage Wallace


Moving on. Before we speak of this anymore, lets look at one more thing. Both of these guys claimed to want to be farmers. Maximus stated in the beginning of the film he wants to go "harvest crops" -- Wallace said much the same, "Raise crops and God willing, a family." So both of these guys are farmers. Now you understand why all the hicks in highschool thought they were badass. They're not, they don't go around cutting people apart viciously with a sword. Oh no, they just listened to Toby Keith and mucked stalls. Fuck'm. But, there's something we've over looked.. And that is.. Military training. Wallace learned how to use a sword from his uncle.. Maximus was a soldier of Rome. That makes him a badass. Wallace was labeled the Lord and High Protector of Scotland. Maximus was a General. This is all very similar. But we must look straight at the facts. Maximus was a formally trained soldier DESPITE the fact that he REALLY just wanted to be a farmer.


Advantage Maximus





Now, I can think of nothing more to point out. We've covered the facts, we've covered the historical stand points, and we've covered the badassness of each man. Before we tally up the numbers, I should also add, neither one of these guys died like bitches. Maximus was poisoned, and then beat the Cesar man to man before croaking. Wallace refused poison and was really fucked up by the English. Eternal glory for each! Now! To the numbers!

• Draws = 2
• Maximus = 1
• Wallace = 3

And the winner, by resounding score is WILLIAM WALLACE!!!!

Was there ever a doubt this guy would kick the shit out of Maximus. Sure Maxipad is a trained soldier, and he's fighting with vengance and honor. But Wallace is also fighting with honor, vengance, and he has something else, he's a fucking animal. Also, its basic math. His sword's reach is far too big for Maximus to get inside of the guard, and thus, Maxi loses a quick battle. But, his hands were dirty at the end, the way he always wanted.

Thank you.