American Idol.

Dear American Idol,

You have something coming to you. I plan on telling the world the truth about your show. Before your lawyers get angry, remember that I am mearly a servant of the truth. A prophet- if you will. I intend no offense, nor lies; only the will of the people who know and understand the truth of such matters of life which include the pop sensation that is your widely broadcasted hugely successful show. I should congratulate you on your enormous success, but I don't think I will. Instead, I will use the following to show how you've poluted society with mindless, worthless, talentless television which has in no way any value what so ever. Your show is so heinously terrible, I'd rather watch the wretched "B" Rated stupid shows that are shown on such wonderful stations such as SyFy Channel. I beg of you though, to please do not let my words keep you from making a mockery of the intelligence of Americans, after all, if our president can do it- you should have the right too. Besides; if you stop now, I'll have one less thing to hate and that would be a fate worse than death.

Sincerely,

cr1ck3e

I have seen American Idol. I've seen more than one season of American Idol, though- I admit, I regret every day of my life because of it. I have the intelligence higher than that of an earth worm. I have eyes, and ears; though I am slightly deaf in one eye. I like ice cream. I'm a cancer with a passion for opera. I enjoy holding hands, sunsets, and long walks on the beach. Ah shit, wait this isn't eharmony. Ah fuck it, I'm too lazy for backspace.

Oh how I've been waiting for this one. I figure now the time is right, after my last tyranical attack on reality tv, the time only seemed right that now, NOW we attack this number one show on television with its tribillionoids of views. Perhaps you're wondering, how does one, even one such as me- prepare for a blog like this one? Well the formula for success is a simple, yet effective one. First, I take a nap. Then I run in circles until I fall down due to over dizziness. Vomiting insues. Afterward, i get a drink from the tank of my toilet (because its already cold and I already paid for that water) and I brush my hair. Following that ritual, I eat a cozmic brownie, I get a dew, and I fire up the computer. At this point, I generally lose interest and take another nap. Finally after hours, days, and sometimes weeks of procrastination, I decide that now is the time. And here we are at the present, and the time is now. Next, I put on a playlist worthy of listening to. It starts with "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. It also includes such famous and wonderful artists as Hole. Music genious.. now I'm ready to take on this show. The fact is, you've seen this show before, before there was Idol, there was american bandstand, starring the Immortal Dick Clark. That's right boys and girls.. Dick Clark is The Highlander. Bet you didn't know that story was based on something that really happened did you? Well it is true, and it really happened and Dick Clark is the winner. The only person Dick Clark didn't have balls enough to fight was Chuck Norris. And rightly so. Moving on. After that, did you remember Star Search? Damn that show was so 1980's and wonderful. It had Ed McMahon on it, and despite his sad and untimely passing, he did do a cash for gold commercial with MC Hammer, and that makes him cool till the bitter fucking end. And now we have Idol. In fact, we've had Idol for 7 or 8 or pretty much just too many goddamned years. You know, the show itself is really rather silly. Thats right, bitches, I said it: Silly. It's like going to Kareoke night at the local dive only theres not cheap beer and cheaper women. This makes it a total bummer. The good news is, you can sit down with a beer and your couch is more comfy anyways, unless you're on my couch. Because I keep traps on it in case of invaders. I hate invaders. So, now lets talk about how bad this show sucks, and why you and I are wasting our lives watching it. Well, I watch it so I have material to write. You watch it because you're American and you need an Idol. I already have an Idol. His name is Billy. Proof as to how shitty this show is, I bet all the so called learned expert judges on that show hate Billy Idol. That makes them suck. I would say they are "gay" but- There's Ellen Degener..umrouses. On there now. And that'd just not be nice. But we'll get to that hoe in a minute. For now, bask in the glory that is Billy Idol, the only Idol you need, even though he is definitely not american, but still on of the baddest sons of bitches to ever walk the earth. If there was a streetfight between him and Axl Rose. Axl would die. Vince Neil would bow to him like he were the holy grail. And me? I'd fucking high five him. We're cool like that.

Randy Jackson

This guy pisses me off, yet I laugh at him. He used to be a nice fellow years ago, hell he'd even agree with Paula on many things to oust the bastard Simon on opinions, he was bubbly chubby, giggly and a nice guy. I noticed now that Simon now says this will be his last year on the show, Randy has turned into a total cock muncher, which does not suit him, and therefore he's a fucking faker. People who are generally nice should not try to be dickheads. I know this for fact, because many people who are nice encounter me and then become immediately more mean, which doesn't suit them, so in straight fashion I call them a poser and tell them to go punk themselves into a dirty nightmare. That said, I don't really see this guy as a singer type either. Sure he played for the Boss, Journey, Santana, and has worked with more people than I can count on my 4 fingers and toes, but I see him, I think of one thing: Black Turtle. Observe.

Thats another thing that pisses me off about this self important overly pretentions black turtle. His language is that of a retarded gang banger. Yo, dog, yeeeeaaaaahhhhh, look at me flash weird symbols with my hands like I am a cool thug muthafucka, Jjjyeeaahh! Dood face it, you can't do shit like that anymore, you're not cool, hip or anything in between. You never were. Your biggest claim to fame is Journey. And like it or not, JOURNEY IS NOT COOL. Goddamn, shut up with the dogs, yo's. You wanna be cool, start calling them Bitches. Especially the idiot guys that go on that show. Still don't see the Turtle resemblance? Observe Crush from Finding Nemo. You see it now, I know you do.

Now, moving on, let's piss off the gay/lesbian community.

Hell I piss off every other community, dunno why they think their safe.

Ellen Degeneres.

This chick pisses me off for lots of reasons. First off, she seems so fuckin happy all the time. I guess I'd be happy too if I was banging Portia di Rossi. Secondly, guys reading this, you need to know that the race of men failed the day Portia went gay. Ellen was no loss. I mean, sure, bi or something would be ok for Portia, then we wouldn't have to chalk it up as a total loss, but alas, she's with a bulldyke named Ellen, and therefore we, as men, have collectively failed the earth. I would say I'm ashamed to be a man, but, I guess I'm really just not. But still this makes me sad. Furthermore, I see no musical talent in her area of experiences, other than the ability to make Portia sing. I think if I was on that show and I was about to get voted off, I'd ask her if they scissor. Why? Because it's mother fuckin live! Ahh Live TV, man, they'd rank me up there with Puck, Janet, and Jersey Shore. But, anyways, she has no musical talent and therefore, no purpose on this show. I'd make a better judge than her.. And I can't even hum. I can see it now, "umm yah.. so, you sing, and umm.. I like your um, singing.. ahh hell no, I really don't, but you're pretty enough to be a pop singer, so whatever the fuck. I don't like other pop singers either. My advice? Um, yah, get people to like you and vote for you, this is really just a popularity contest based on many things other than singing. Congrats, I bet you have fans because you're attractive."

So, in conclusion, Ellen is a super happy, not very funny, bullnosed homosexual with a hot wife and no musical talent and therefore sucks. But, she's also cooler than you because of who she has sex with. Paradox!

Paula Abdul.

I won't lie. The loss of Paula on this show is probably the greatest loss of all time, and it pains my heart. First off, let's just say she was never the worlds greatest recording artist of all time, but at the same time she *did* actually sing.. Unlike the others. That said, she's Paula Abdul! You remember how much you loved her back in the day and then *poof!* Bitch just up and disappeared for half a century, and then WHAM back in the spot light!
Not only was she back, but she was just as hot, hell i think perhaps she was better looking because I'm not sure, but she may have gotten her boobs done. If she didn't maybe she's just better at showing them off now than she was before. Who cares? Look at the picture, this chick has great boobs and a pretty smile. Also, she never tried to be mean, unlike that poser Randy Jaxson. Even when someone was total bleeding prison asshole she was like, "oh that was pretty ok.. i think?" Why did she think? Because she was fucking drunk all the time too. Well well, lets take some of the Kareoke bar back to TV! A pretty girl showing off her cleavage. Check. Drunk. Check! Now *this* is what I call REALITY Television! Hell sometimes she'd get up and dance and shit, which was cool even though the person singing really sucked at singing. Paula, you rock.. Deep kindness and massive drunkeness and maybe some perscription pill overdosing on national television not only makes you super special and close to my heart, but also entertaining as fuck. Thank you Paula. As for the producers of this show; Fuck you for firing her fine ass.

Now lets talk about the bitch who replaced her.

Kara Dioguardi.

Ohho. I look at this chick and do you know what I see? First off, I see a real bitch, fuck this bitch. This was a chick who tried to have some kind of career and could actually sing, but mostly was better at writting songs. Thats cool. She's like the face behind the curtain like for the Wizard of Oz. Why is she like that? Because she does not have the face of a Pop Princess, but rather the face of an evil alien queen who wants to eat you, your children, and probably your soul. When its her turn to rag on people who can't sing worth a shit, I can't even hear her voice anymore, I just hear that hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.h.h.h.h.h. Sound the alien from Aliens made. I'm expecting her to have a second jaw pop out of her bug eyed face and snap the microphone in half. Don't beleive me? Check this shit out, friends. Look at them side by side, you'll freak.

Now I know you're looking at these two pictures and you're suddenly realized THEY ARE PICTURES OF THE SAME PERSON! Yes, and that persons name is Kara Diaoiuaguardkie. This chick, if human, ranks up there with Hillary Swank for unhotness. And if you find yourself asking you right now, wait, what? Allow me to explain. Hillary Swank is the ugliest person to walk the face of the earth. Plain and simple. Back to Kara. This bitch, I have no clue if she gives good advice, because I can't get past the enormous beady eyes, and the extra set of teeth. I'm sorry. And one final thing for you, I found some old footage of Kara's first season on Idol that I wanted to share with you. As you can imagine, the asshole Paula-Firing fuckface people at Fox have got some great make up artists for their show, but once upon a time they didn't realize the things I realize and were oblivious to it all. Observe the truth.

Freaky shit, huh?

Simon Cowell

Seriously, what can I say about this guy thats negative? I can only think of one real thing to say negatively about him. He created this show which sucks your brains out, and thefore though he is diabolical, he's also a cockstain for thinking this up. I'm not sure if he has any musical talent either. I am not sure how he is even qualified to be a "judge" but fuck it, no one else is, so whats wrong with him doing it? But, its entertaining and heres why: he hates you, and he hates your singing. But he also loves you, because you're making him richer than Darth Vader. This guy; I don't think he can really sing, but he is one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen on TV. This makes me like him immediately. In fact, were he not a cocksucking fat ankled brit, I'd suggest a lineage tracing, because we might be related. But as everyone already knows, I am scottish and therefore, would never have any relation to a limey fuck like thim. Now, that said, Simon totally rules. I think he just likes to watch people look miserable when he talks and thats why he does it. He makes faces, he finds exceptional uses for the word "Dreadful" which I think I should try to do more often. I find its a great past time to use words that are not used often in regular conversation just to see how people react to them. So you, Simon, I give you a round of applause, you rock. Keep on being an asshole, because you're the only real entertainment left on that show now that I no longer can stare and Paula's wonderfully drunken breasticles.

Ryan Seacrest.

So diehard Idol fanbois, do you remember season 1? Seacrest was not the only host, do you remember the other guys name? No one else does either! Fortunately, my quest for the truth took me once again to the never wrong wikipedia and I have discovered this morons identity. Brian Dunkleman. Sound familiar? Of course it doesn't! This guy is more closely related to "The Biggest Loser" than he is Idol. He actually QUIT the show. Now, as you can tell, I am not the biggest fan of this show, but seriously, if I had that gig, NO WAY I'd quit. That makes him one of the biggest idiots and losers of all time. And Idol's biggest winner of all time is not someone who sang, it is in fact Ryan Seacrest who went from a nobody to the new Dick Clark. That said, if he gets too cocky, DC will just cut his head off and take all his power and then he will regress 3o years in age and probably will end up with Seacrest's job. The only real difference between Seacrest and Clark is that Dick Clark is not a homosexual and Seacrest obvioiusly is. Now ladies, calm down! I SAID CALM!

Ok, can I finish now? Thank you. You said Ricky Martain wasn't gay either. Case proven. Thank you. I think Brian Dunkleman actually may have quit this show because he was tired of Seacrest's sexual advances towards him. Maybe they made him un comfortable, but looking back on it, I think that's probably a lie and he himself is just a closet homosexual who didn't want the world to slap him with the "Faggot" Title like Seacrest has been bitchslapped with. Seacrest makes no comment on it, why? Because why deny the truth. Hey, stop your yelling.. I'll prove my point again. Lance Bass. Toldja. I own this war of words. But I've read Dunkleman spends a lot of time bashing Seacrest, so perhaps it came down to a lovers quarrel? Maybe He wanted to be the catcher instead of the pitcher for a while? I suppose that can happen at times. Poor guy just wanted love and Seacrest was selfish. He should've hung around though, first off he'd have made gobs and gobs of money. Secondly, he'd now have that testosterone driven dyke Ellen to talk to. You know, its really sad if you think about it.

To see such a loving couple break up. They're young, in love and on top of the world, and then something probably as lame as what color sweater vest to wear broke them up. It just rips your heart apart to see shit like that happen... Hahahaha, no I'm just fucking with you, I think its fucking hilarious. Watching peoples misfortune and finding it truly entertaining is just human nature. A broken relationship or home is like a car accident. You're driving by, you see it, and you know you're like me when you see it, you go: "DAAAMMMNN!!! LOOK AT THAT SHIT! THAT'S FUCKED UP!!" Then you can't stop looking and end up rear ending the guy in front of you. Hahaha, maybe Seacrest should have done more rear ending himself and they would have lived happily ever after. But no, we see now that he has stayed with his show rather than his lover and he has become the ultimate winner of American Idol as he is now super popular while Brian Dunkleman enjoys a nice cup of sorrow and a salary that affords him Top Ramen. Dry your eyes my friends, its times like this you just have to remember the good days between them.

Once upon a time, they were happy. And THIS is AMERICAN IDOL.

Seacrest OUT!

Well now that we've covered the staff of this show, how they have no music talent with the exception of the awesome Paula Abdul and a minor bit of talent from the Black Turtle, lets turn to the trainwreck. I mean, talent. I mean.. contestants. What I love about them is they all thing they're fucking rad, when none are. I also love how they say, "This is my dream, this is my chance!" When two seconds before, the show mentioned they were from Bumfuck Arkansas. Seriously? If you want a chance, if you want a shot at the big times, you do what the pros do. You move to LA or Nashville, or New York, and you get your ass to work doing auditions making demo tapes and dealing with mass amounts of rejection. If I could sing, and had any talent what so ever, I'd audition for this show by singing "Cuz I gotta Golden Ticket!" From Willy Wonka. Why? Because that's what you're fucking after. You don't have the balls or talent to persue this as a real career, so might as well hope that star search picks up your sorry ass long enough for you turn a quick dollar or two before you disappear into obscurity for the rest of your worthless existance. These people piss me off almost as bad as the one's who get sent away and get super pissed off, "Whatever the fuck, y'all ain't heard the last of me! These judges don't know shit!" Well you're wrong there, I indeed HAVE heard the last of you.. and, actually, as much as I've been talking mad trash about them, most of them with the exception of Bulldyke, have AT LEAST been a music producer. So actually- they may not know a lot, but they know like 3 things. One of which is you have no talent, you're not attractive and theres no chance of you ever becoming famous so go back to BK and flip more whopper's you worthless specimen of human being. OR if you really want to do the world a favor, stop breathing and wasting my air. The worst part is, they'll keep breathing and they'll reproduce other retards who think they have some form of talent when they really don't. They too will also likely find some kind of talent show tv program to piss me off with in another 20 years, or perhaps cr1ck3e the next generation- but hopefully I'll have done the world a favor too, and not reproduced and created little cr1ck3e assholes running around throwing sand in the eyes of lesser children, and generally pissing off the public.

Here's the real thing that makes me laugh, more people become famous off of getting kicked off of this show than the ones who win. Lets talk about the so called "winners" for a minute. We've already discussed the Ultimate winner of Idol, but just to show you how fucked up our society is, we can take a look at the so called "winners" of this show, and see just how america once again, fucked something up. Actually, I created an educational picture to help illustrate just how good the collective public is at picking winners. That sounded so good, I should add something about our commander in cheif! But, I think I've said enough there, you know where I'm going with it. Back to Idol!

Now, if my calculations are correct, thats less than a 50% success ratio of the so called winners of Idol. So, to the ones who actually made it, congratulations to you miracle children: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Jordan Sparks. As for the losers who didn't do shit with their golden ticket accept eat too much candy and drink too much fizzy lifting drink.. You're all idiots. You should have propelled yourselves to a high end career, but no, you didn't because shortly after the taping of the last episode of your respected seasons, everyone realized how bad you are and soon there after forgot your names. I can't even insult you directly and individually because not even I can remember your names. So, you suck, America sucks for picking you, now go to hell. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

There is one stroke of luck for you, I hear Brian Dunkleman is looking for people to hang out with while basking in the fire of his misery. You should join him. I'd say you could call him, but his ass is so broke that he can't even afford a cricket phone. Then again, same goes for you, so maybe just go looking for him. Maybe you're already sharing a space under a bridge with him and you just don't know it.

To further the rediculousness of it all, there have been more people to have success in their careers after LOSING Idol than after winning. Perhaps getting voted off the island is a blessing in disguise.. Why you ask? Beacause...

Thats right chaps, America gets it wrong! We're confident we know how to pick real winners, but looking at American Idol, government, or breakfast cereal, its plain and simple: We can't pick anything right. From gayboy Clay Aiken who out sold Ruben Studdard, to gayboy Adam Lambert doing the same.. The proof is in the pudding boys and girls. To further the insult that the people making this show give to us, the viewers, they tell us, every fucking year- THIS is the most competitive season EVER!!! I say?

WRONG

Why? Just look at all the season 5 people who did better than the gray haired flop that won! The hot Katherine McFee, the dumbass (yet dually hot) Kelly Pickler, and lets not forget the fellow out doing them all:

Chris Daughtry. These people have proven that the real talented year was season 5. We're on 9 now.. Its gone down hill since. So, now lets conclude:

CONS

No beer. No drunk. No Paula with her fantastic boobs. Americans couldn't pick their way out of a paper sack. Poser Jerk Black Turtle. Ellen gets laid by someone hotter than you. (and me) Lonely yet power hungry Seacrest. The Queen Alien. Bad singing. Worse singing. Shitty songs.

Pros

One angry limey who wants to ruin everyone's day. Some retards on the show are attractive.

In conclusion, I have to rank this show as one of the worst on television. It is a clusterfuck of untalented individual's who have no ability to write their own music. It is codependant on America fucking it up. Its humor and hotness factor got fired. And really, it promotes homosexuality, which is great for Clay, Adam, Seacrest, and Ellen.. but for the rest of us who don't need your propaganda shoved down our proverbial throats like a bad prison rape scene.. fuck off. I think I'll make a singing show that showcases people who write their own music, sing well, and I'll get awesome judges.. Like Billy Idol, Cristina Scabbia, and Glenn Danzig. But whom to host it? Dick Clark - but only after he cuts off Seacrest's head and takes his power and regresses in age once again, as he has done since the dawn of time. Now its time for a letter grade for this mess of a show called American Idol.

Yup, F- you know if you dig deep down in your soul you'd rather listen to cats get run over by cars, watch paint dry, and give your dad a peticure. Find something better than Idol - Americans. You can do it.

cr1ck3e OUT!!

Reality TV.

Today I reach out to you once again from my cave dwelling existance to talk to you about another amazing thing thats happened to the world. Reality Television. I wonder as I prepare to write this antidote for humanity.. how long will the blog actually be? Will it end up being multiple blogs because I've too much to ramble.. write about? Truthfully, I swear this to you: I have no fucking idea.

UPDATE:

An update on the Twilight blog. I forgot to add this, and as per suggestion, here it is.

Need I say more?

Reality TV is so awesome, and at the same time its fucked in the head. Whoever thought this thing up is a maniacle, diabolical genius. This means Dr. Evil. But I don't want to use up to much of the material in my head just yet, so lets dig deep and discuss.

It was a warm sunny summer day in 1981 when my eyes first came to focus on a glorious invention of man kind. The television. It was love at first sight. I knew we'd have a long standing love affair at that point. I looked at that glass tube, and I saw it staring back at me. Marvin Gaye's music chimed in, the skies opened up, clouds parted. Sun shined down from the heaven's, a chorus of angels could be heard.. and so my love affair began. It started early with Sesame Street, followed by Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood (which gave me nightmares, but we'll not talk about that) From there television grew, and I grew with her, all the while never knowing that one day, something magical would happen.. and that day came, the magic, was reality TV- and I was there to witness it. In all its ingloriousness and idiocy. Am I qualified? Poeticly so. Let's begin.

It's Real.

The amazingly wonderful thing about reality tv is that you know these people are not paid actors. What makes it better, is generally speaking, they find idiots. How did our mystery creater think up sopmething so brilliant as survivor? I can't be sure, but it probably happened like this:

Dr. Evil: I have idea.

CBS: What?

DE: Lets take some idiots, put them in front of a camera, and see what happens?

CBS: That does not sound appealing.

DE: We'll give them monies.

CBS: Now you're talking.

So, take survivor. It's wonderfully entertaining to a point, but in all honesty its glory days are long since passed. You take people and make them compete against each other for tons of cash money which the government will take half of anyways, and you see just how fucked people can get. Chuck and Tina make an alliance. Chuckle is all, "Hey Tina, we'll go the distance together!" Then Chuck tells Bob, dood we sabbotage Tina NOW! Next thing you know, Tina's off the motherfuckin island and Chuck's like "holy fuck how did this happen?" Meanwhile, back at home in makebelieve Ohio, Chuck's wife is watching it going, WTF?! Who is this sonovabitch I am married to? I will so divorce now.. after I see if he wins... Survivor is the perfect example of bringing out the worst in people for money. Back stabbing bastards, lying all for that golden ticket. The odd thing is they do not always choose beautiful people to be on this show, which makes it suck. All the wihle you watch this show while eating your icecream and you think, man, these fools are desperate, I'll take my $9.50/hr job over that hell any day. And you know what? It's probably the better idea. No one wants to see sweat.

Fear is not a Factor

Bullshit. I watched this show, and this show is fucked in the face in so many ways its not even funny. Actually it was pretty funny. You know what the greatest thing about reality tv is? The fact that these morons are desperate to win! Its like a game show for people who would sacrifice their bodies to satan for a chance at glory. There is not glory in these game shows. If you were smart you'd go on jeopardy. If you were lucky you'd try wheel of fortune. If your family didn't hate you, you'd try the family feud! Alas, you're not lucky, smart, or well liked, and therefore, its time to be tossed to the wolves.
First, they make you do a stupid ass stunt. Then you have to do something else relatively stupid that no person with a brain in their noggin would ever do. Then you have to eat something horrible like a goat dick. Or Vietnamese wolverine testicles. Meanwhile, Joe Rogan is yelling at you not to give up, that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! Here's the brilliance of this show, they pick good looking people. So heres this 110 lbs hot chick in a bikini stuffing her face full of some african delicacy made of giraffe dung and beetles. She looks like she's gonna puke, but she doesn't. The hard reality of this show is, she'd be more apt to throw up. When she wins, she'll go out to a bar with a face stuffed full of altoids. I can picture this happening.. me running into said hot chick at a bar.

You're a beautiful woman, may I buy you a drink?

Oh that'd be wonderful, cr1ck3e!

Ahh here we go.. you know.. Have we met before?

No, I don't think so.. *Sweet smiles*

Really? You're so formiliar.. (EAT THAT GOAT DICK! YOU CAN DO IT! STUFF YOUR FACE WITH BEETLE DUNG AND ANTS! GOGOGO! DON'T STOP NOW YOU'RE ALMOST THERE! DONT THROW UP!!!!)

Oh no, I'm sure we've not met before...*more sweet smiles*

You know.. I have to go. Enjoy the drink.

This is exactly what happens to all the girls who have been in the commercials for herpes medicine. "I have genital herpes.."

Similar scenario:

You're so formiliar..

Well I'm an actor.. I've done a couple commercials here and there, but nothing big. *innocent smiles*

Ahh, maybe thats it.. (I have genital herpes.. herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..herpes..HERPES..)

Is something wrong, cr1ck3e?

Hmm? No, I just can believe I'd meet an actor herpesHERE, here.. I er.. you know what? Enjoy the drink, I have to go.. and wash myself.. with acid.

But its not just about winning money, fame, glory, a new wife.. A new wife. Enter Brett Michaels, one of the worlds biggest douche bags of all time. This guy is such a fuckin joke that there are no words that will make you laught harder than his mullet. First off, Poison sucks. That band always did suck and will always suck from now until the time when the apocolypse happens. Maybe you're thinking, Hey they were good. WRONG! They were not good. At all. Ever. And now Brett Michaels is simply broke and horny. He's a poor, horny old man who can't trick 12 yr old boys into his basement anymore. He can't tour very well because his walker looks funny on stage, and when he plays his monthly show at the retirement home, he has to accept that women his age are now throwing their depends at him, not thongs. This show though.. It's hilarious as well. First you take this cocksucker who is pushing like 82 now, but thanks to money and a bad song or 2913847 is now rich enough to make himself look young through plastic surgery. Enter: The girls. They are all smokin, and like what? 20? OMG! I've loved you for so long Brett! I remember when your first big hit came out! I was like, oh..well it was 4 years before I was born! Inevitably this horny old fuck who can't get groupies anymore will bust out his guitar at some point in the season and he WILL play every rose has its thorne. As I watch this, I think to myself, who is more stupid? Brett or these retards with tits? Because lets face it, he has no career anymore, and if he falls in love off a television show, well then there will be no Rock of Love season 4,5,6..etc, and then he will once again be broke. Leave it to VH1 to employ has beens/ never should've beens. The reality of this show is, the world would be a better place if Brett Michaels would slip on some ice, and miraculously, have his head chopped off some way in the fall. This seems a bit harsh. Brettyboy, the truth hurts. Did you guys know, he wears that bandana because he's bald under it? Seriously.

Equally I should say that every bachelor show is a joke. Who would really find true love on tv? Well, I think I could actually.. Think about it, if you're a rich bastard, what better way to find undying love than letting the world know you're rich and you are looking for a gold digging whore. Remember boys, whores are people too. They're also very fun, BUT you do NOT introduce them to your mom. These are life lessons we all must learn. But if she's a classy whore, and its on tv, thats not gold digging, thats true love, bitches!

Truth be told, I myself am more the "Joe Millionaire" type. Not really a millionaire.. or even slightly rich fellow. Just your average over opinionated writer with too much time on his hands. But, if she really did love me, we'd both be rich. See ladies, sometimes theres a pay off if you trust in lying bastards. But only when the network gets involved! I have a network. Of spies. No, actually its a nice network of people who tell me I'm ok, when we all know i'm really not. All of the people in this network are invisible, but they talk to me. They talk to me, I swear it. Only me.. only me..

Now, we're thinking, wait a second, these reality shows are fucking horrible! They bring out the absolute worst in people! You're absolutely right, AND that's the brilliance and beauty. People making themselves out to be fools is entertaining! But lest we not forget there are some that are like a self help group for the underprivelaged. Take the biggest loser. The title alone is an oxy moron. This show is fantastic, and upbeat and has a great message, but despite all of that I'm going to twist it right now and poke a bit of fun, even though this will clearly secure my place in hell for eternity. So, lets pretend you have no idea what the biggest loser is so I may insult. Here we go.. Oh, you've never heard of it? Oh its great! They take these 400 lbs land monsters, and put them on tv, and then they embarress them in front of the world! They wear SPANDEX! It's terrible, but look, stop laughing.. It has a good message, see? They have personal trainers who are kicking their huge fat asses over and over to get into shape, and the people leave the show mother fuckin SKINNY! Yah, well except for the guy who gets kicked off first who leaves flying a middle finger which looks like polish sausage, all the way to 7/11 where he can buy 10 truckloads full of twinkies! But for the winner, it looks something like this:

Seriously, that was season-something winner. Can't remember the name of the contender but, hey, if they can do that with hard work, maybe I'll get my ass outta this chair after I finish this can of Cheezballz and call the makers of the biggest loser. Unfortunately I shop at Costco, and I have a 50 gallon can of Cheezballz, so it'll be a while. But its worth the wait because as the image says. These fucking rule.
















Know whats so fucked up I don't have to say a fucking thing about it? Toddlers and Tiaras.
That show makes me want to vomit. I actually thought about putting up a picture at this point to illustrate my disgust with it, but after googling some pictures I realized its so disgusting not even *I* can cross that line. There are some things which should be outlawed. This show is one. Take a young child and make them look like an adult is only asking for trouble. I hate the people who make this show, and they have a special place in Hell waiting for them. The mothers of these poor children.. I hope they get into a terrible car accident requiring lots of usage of the jaws of life. I don't even think this could help them though. They too will have a special place in the fiery pit of doom with Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.




Moving on.





You know who we really have to thank for all the recoculousness that is reality tv? MTV. Fuck you MTV. Back in the day, mtv was cool. Music Television that actually played music, it was such a cool fuckin idea that everyone wanted to copy them, enter vh1, who sucked. Then Mtv changed the world once again by keeping the music televsion name and stopping the playing of music videos. the hell? But in its place, we got something totally fuckin awesome that changed life forever.




The Real World




This show took a bunch of retards and put them all in an apartment together to see just how long it would take before they would do something that would inspire great tv.

1. Fuck
2. Fight

This is what people really wanted to see. Fighting, which would lead to some fucking, which would ultimately lead to more fighting! Brilliant! MtV you diabolical bitches! This was the best thing you ever planned out, with the exception to JT pulling Janet's tit out. Brilliant I tell you! You know, I've never been too interested in many shows to be on myself, mainly because:

• I'm a dick
• I have no interest in most shows
• I'm not smart enough for Jeopardy
• I'm not lucky enough for Wheel of Fortune
• My family hates me, so no Fued
• I suck at shopping, no Price is Right
• I hate backstabbing assholes trying to steal money rightfully mine. No Survivor.
• I am not crazy enough to eat a goat pecker, no Fear Factor.
• I am not rich looking for a wife/gold digging whore to call a wife, No Bachelor.

So you see, the following points of interest show that I in fact would be perfect for this nonsensical show known as the real world. First off, everyone gets in the house HI! OMG HI! Hahaha We're roommates LETS BOOZE IT UP! This is the part I can hang with. Then its like, ok now that we're drunk, I can tell you you have nice tits and I won't have to feel bad about it because I'm drunk, OMG! Hahaha! Lets get in the hot tub! Ommnommnomnomnomnom!!!

This leads to sex. Then gossip. Omg did you see Janice, she's such a whore, she and cr1ck3e totally DID IT! I know, what a tramp!! (then in the single interviews) I was really surprised she'd just do him that fast, but she was drunk, so I think I still have a chance with cr1ck3e. He's just so studly. Meanwhile, heres my interview:

The people in this house are retarded. I can't believe I signed up for this.

Flash forward 2 days: Everyone's having a pow-wow over poor janice boning indescriminately. Here enters the room our hero, cr1ck3e with a can of cheezballz. Hey. Hi cr1ck3e. Whats going on here? *munchmunch* We're having an important discussion. What about? Janice's sex addiction. *munchmunchmunchmunch* Will you join us? *sniff* Please? Nah. Why not? Because you all are fucking stupid. *****Exit cr1ck3e******

Later in the interviews: The guys are like, man, I wish I had balls like that. The girls are like, he's such a jerk, but I think he's been really hurt in his past, and I want to break that tough exterior shell and meet the real man inside. mine: man the people here are dumbshits. But the cheezballz are free, and thats fuckin rad. Also, there are some good looking girls so, the scenery is nice.

I figure 2 days max, I'm kicked out the house. That'd please me, but I'd go down in history, and then maybe after that, vh1 will give me my own show, jerk of love? Awesome.

Finally, before I leave you with all this worthless drabble, I'd like to illustrate just one more point as to why reality tv is sinfully delightful and fucking horrible at the same fucking time!


Temptation Island

Do you remember this show? It didn't last very long because it was fucked from the get go. It was this wonderful show that took loving couples and put them on an island. Of course, there was money involved. Sally would go to one side of the island while Bob went to the other. It was the ultimate test of their love, of whether their love was "strong enough" to survive the temptation this island would give. Lets get one thing clear. This island is not like the badass island that doesnt seem to even really exist from Lost. If I were on that damn island in Lost, I'd never leave, I'd build a house, I'd sunbathe, I'd surf, and I'd have a mainly fruit and fish diet without cheezballz which, I admit, would be tragic, but I could adjust. No, Temptation Island was just that. They put poor Bobbyboo around hot chicks who rub on him, flirt with him and mash their chesticals against him, grinding like whores who really are just waiting to get the call to go on The Bachelor. And then the worst happens. Its video taped. But, more so, its cleverly edited!!! OH YES! Because what you see happens is, Bobby knows he'll never get anyone to top Sally, so embarressingly he lets them rub on him and grab his wingwang and THEN He's all "Nno, I'm in love, please stop!" Mean while, the same is going on with Sally, but she's a female, and thus a stone cold bitch and rejects all the big ape men hitting on her. Impressive. They are going to win the measly $3.50 - but hey theres money involved and that makes all the difference. Just when things are going great, you go to commercial and get yourself another beer and you think, wow, these two really love each other. Then they get back from commercial and the cleverly edited video is being shown to Sally, and all she see's is poor Bobby with hot bitches on him. So what does Sally do? She then gets dicked down by every guy on that side of the island! Oh He thinks he can do this to *ME!* NO! HE WILL NOT! THAT BASTARD! I WILL SHOW HIM!!!! Meanwhile, only rumors get to Bobby and he says, Nah, you're just trying to trick me. Then they come back together at the end of the episode and they show the cleverly edited footage to Sally again, only this time, the editing is gone and she sees that Dumb Bitch Bobby was completely innocent and was true the whole time. Now they show her footage. Basically its softcore porn like you'd see at a frat party. Doods with popped collars going bare chested, Chad's we'll call them. 10 Chads. 1 Sally. Its not pretty. Bobby is heart broken. No one wins $3.50

Thats fucked. I would never go on that show. Why? First off I have no one to go with me. Secondly, they don't like dicks on shows like that. They want a guy who isn't going to scowl at the hot girl rubbing her areola's in your eyeballs. I myself, when $3.50 is at state, am an oak. Also, this show only went like 2 seasons. Why? Because Bobby went fucking nuts and killed all the cast members, directors and producers with a shotgun, then he probably hunted down Sally, shaved her head so she looked fucked up like Brittney and then took a flying leap off a building with her tied up watching and therefore she's fucked and in a mental institute, but the moral of the story is, they lost their camera opporator. Those people are not easily replaced. That said, this show was wildly entertaining. Fucked.. but entertaining.

So you see the problem with reality television lies in the reality of each show. They're delightful because they make you realize the things you'll never do for a cheap buck, and some things that you WOULD do for it. Which may make you hate yourself, but you say screw it, no ones perfect. So whats the solution? Well regrettably you can't really get away from reality TV. There is no escape from the black hole of evening programming which was created by the monsters at mtv. So do you accept it? Or do you turn off your television.. Thats a hard choice. Maybe you could go for a walk instead? No way, fuck that. Sit your over sized ass on that couch for another 12 hours of this shit, get a ginormous can of cheezballz and munch away motherfuckers, because if you eat enough, then you too can be on tv and lose weight at the same time! AND win money at it! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shows to catch up on. Ciao!

Thank you.

Twilight.

Today I will critique another phenomenom of modern culture. This of course is the book series: Twilight. Many people have reviewed this book series, yet I have not. Why haven't I? Because I only recently learned how to read, thus- now that I have the reading level of a 3rd grader, I am now qualified to tell you all about this book series. Its pros, its cons, and of course, give it an over all grade score. Beware, I will tell you all there is to know about this book series, and I will be unrelenting in my quest to bring you the truth. If you are a teenage girl, and desperately in love with this book series.. Read on. If you are older and perhaps not sure if you should read it, have read it and unsure of your opinion, or anyone else.. Also read on. Before I begin, you'll notice some new graphics on the blog. I did this because I wanted to and I was relatively bored. Any other particular reason? Nope.

As I stated, since recently learning to read, I've soared in my abilities and now have the reading abilitiy of a 3rd grader. Do you have at least the same? Congratulations, you are smart enough to read twilight! As reading reader of many books with letters and numbers.. I am of course over qualified for this book series, and thus my credentials are sound. I can read. I have readed this books, and I have read 4 books other than this one. I am a champion, and expert, and I'm ready to give you the truth.
The Truth

The truth is, these books could suck the crome off a vatos low rider. Seriously.. I went into this with an open mind, I wasn't thinking, OMG THESE ARE GONNA BLOW DONKEY NUTS! Oh no, not me, I am very open minded. And so, I went in a clean, blank slate. Hell, I was even looking forward to it. I thought to myself, Self- These books are way popular! Why- yes, they are, self! So we should read then, yes? WE SHOULD! I bet they're good! I bet you're right! And we love vampire stories, do we not? We most certainly do. What proof is there of that? Well the fact that we've read all of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles EVEN THE BORING ONES! That IS good proof, self! Also, self, we watch Underworld Relentlessly! Ahh, self, but that is only because we love Kate Beckinsale. Well she does look good in that outfit though. TRUE! And she does have pointy teefs! ALSO TRUE! We are genius for watching these movies! You are so right, self. But we cannot read Bram Stoker's Dracula, explain THAT to our loyals, self. Well you see my good friend, self, that is because that book is dull as fuck. Ahh, very true. But we liked the movie. Ahh true...

That's how it went down. We also like candy.

So, with an open mind, open heart and open fly on our pants, I went into reading this book, ready for action, love, hate, and a frontal labotomy! So, we'll start with book, one.

Twilight

Ok so I start reading, and the only thing I can really think of is, jesus this girl main character is a whiney whore. Seriously, she needs to put something in her mouth and just shut the fuck up. Waah waah waah, BUT! OMG LOOK AT THAT BOY! HE IS SO HAWT.. AWW BUT HE HATES ME.

Edward. This guy is obviously gay. As any could tell, Bella wanted to rock his junk but he just couldn't do it. Why? Because he gets off looking at all the injun boys running around the town. If he were really a guy who'd been creeping around for a century or however long, he wouldn't be such a dick head, he'd be a masta playa, and he'd be hitting every virgin in the school. And if he was hungry afterwards, he could just murder them and go on with his badass vampire existance. But no, he hates her. But wait!!! He LOVES HER! Awww! But no, Bella, we cannot kiss because I might eat you! Ok, lets kiss, OMG I HAD TO FLY AWAY! Also, he has an obsession with driving fast like every other teenage boy in the world. Only other teenage boys wouldn't be caught dead driving a fucking volvo. Espeically if he's sposed to be a rich fuck, he'd be rolling a ferrari like K-Fed. Why did a make a refrence to that fuckstick? Because he is awesome, and has Britney's babies. Score one for him, he's a hero for every american male, not that freak Edward. So pansy ass Edward who loves but is just a total dick head towards poor virgin Bella. What a retard.

Jacob. OMG my tribe says there are such things as werewolves can you believe that! *snotty snicker* Jacob at least is obviously just wanting to touch Bella's boobs. That makes him real in THIS book.

Other girls in school: OMG WE'RE SUCH BITCHES! And so also real.

Esme and Dr Fang: We're so nice and love human kind, even though its our nature to EAT YOU ALL! MUWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Rosalie. I am a bitch, and hot. I love this girl actually.. Everything she says and does in these books makes me laugh my ass off.

The other vampire guys. They also are douche bags, but at least they're banging vampire chicks.

Alice. Every girl who reads these books is like OMG I love alice shes so sweet, fun, cool, and happy! ie. This girl is everything I can never be because girls like this don't really exist.

So the book is about 490 some odd pages, and nothing exciting happens for the first 400 pages, Bella loves Edward, hates him. Edward is a douche. OMG we DO! love each other. Omnomnomnom!!! Then TRAGEDY! Other vampies wanna kill Bella! (Yes, something exciting!) Then Edward kills them all like a badass but this does not make up for his doucheness. Then they go to prom.

On a side note, I watched the move. The movie was a billion times better because it only took an hour and a half away from my life. Time to score this book!

Boring, lame plot, lots of Anne Rice plagerism, child like reading, too much bitching, crying, teenage angst bullshit.

Sorry.

Book 2! New Moon

Going into New Moon I thought nothing could be as bad as Twilight. Clearly, I had not started to read New Moon yet. So I started the book, with high hopes, high hopes! CRUSHED within the first 100 pages as poor gayboy eddie leaves desperately horny virgin Bella because he wants more penis than she'll ever have. Bella is crushed and then goes from being bitchy and stupid, to emo. If there's one thing I hate as much as French Canadia, its emo. It never said it in the book, but I bet she started wearing really tight pants too, because that's what emo fools do. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the world, Edward is wearing no pants because he is having gay sex. But it gets WORSE OHNOZ! EVERYONE LEAVES! Dr Fang, his weird hoe Esme, the two douche fuck dewds, and Hot awesome Rosalie. Poor Bella. ALL ALONE! Enter the horny teenage boy. Jacob. "Hello Bella, lets have sexER- I MEAN! A talk. Oh yah, I will fix this motorbike for you!" Translation: OMG I wanna touch her bewbs.

Bella: "I so want to be deaded. If i get close to deaded, I hear eddietard talking in my head." Translation: I'm a fucking crazy bitch.

So she does more stupid shit as the book goes on, trying to get closer to death, oh poor jake is about to jump her scrawny virgin ass and then NOOO!!!! HE LEAVES HER TOO!!

And then the CRAZY plot twist! Werewolves are REAL too! Just like the old injuns sed they were! And jakeepew is one too! Awww. So now he's like, we can hump still Bella, but its gotta be.. Doggy style. BAM! She's like ew gross, i love Edtard! No wait... i DO love jake. omg, what a conundrum, wtf do I do?

I'll tell you what: She stays a virgin because she can't make up her mind. Idiot. So what if jake has back hair now? And like.. 4 legs? I think I've seen this crazy plot twist before.. Underworld anyone? Because, holy shit, the wolves HATE THE VAMPIRES! I didn't see that shit coming! Did you?! NO! YOU DIDN'T!

To say you did would be like saying you have an IQ over 5. To be able to see that wild plot twist you'd have to be psychic and have a brain that is more capable than that of

an ant! And we know thats not true, so die.


So now that we have ourselves a seriously wicked plot twist you never saw coming, here comes the bad guys again! One of the baddies comes back from the first book, and AWWW! He can't help it, he's just not meant to be good and now he's gonna eat Bella! But Scooby and the gang fuck him up! But bad guy from book one, his bitch is still lurking around! Will she be a problem?! OH NO WAIT AND FIND OUT!

So then, Edtard is thinks Bella kills herself. Regrettably, he is wrong and she is still alive. But, he thinks she's dead, so he's gonna go to a busy square and sparkle his ass all over the town in the sunlight. Thats right, we didnt cover that one.. apparently, unlike traditional vampires who die in sunlight, Edward just becomes bedazzled like a sonovabitch and people are like OH SHIT! That fag is REALLY sparklie! So, basically, he's a bedazzled homosexual blood sucking Rainbow Bright.

But, the others catch wind of this and they sweep Bellabitch away to SAVE THE DAY! Regrettably, she does and they both live. They kiss, and all that shit.

So here we go for a grade. Plagerism. Emo. 2 failed suicide attempts. one horny injun. lots of back hair, crying, moaning, bitching and life hating. This ones gonna be a good score, can you feel it?

Sorry.

MOVING ON!!! Book 3!

Eclipse

So I told myself going into this book, OK so I was wrong about new moon, but this- nothing can really be as bad as that book was. wishful thinking? WRONG! This book was better than the first AND second! Really good news though! This book was also written so 2 year old can read it! But lets get right to the bitching. I mean story.

So, its like this:

Edward: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love YOU Eddie!

Jacob: No, *I* love you, Bella!

Bella: Nah, omg no way furball!

Jacob: Srsly.

Bella: OMG! I r so confused, I might love you TOO!

Edward: No bitch, chooz 1.

Jacob: She gon choose me, fag. U like dewds!

Edward: So? I mean, no! I do not, silly head!

Jacob: OMG! A KITTY! *Arf arf arf!*

Edward: OMG! Penis! *skipping away*

Bella: 3some? :D

*crickets*

Bella wants to be a vampire SOOOOOO bad, but Edward won't make her one. What a crotchety fuck. Jake doesn't want Bella to be a vampire. Bitch, moan, bitch moan. Make me a vampiiiiiirrre!! PULEEEZ! -No. PLEEEEZZ I'll do you! -No. wtf? No bella don't be a vampire! STFU DOGFAISE! *cry* Oh, and then Rosalie tells the story of how she became a vampire, which was fucked up, and you understand why she is such a heinous bitch. I still love her though.

Enter the plot twist!!!!!! The bitch of bad guy from book one is MAKING A MOTHAFUCKIN ARMY!!!!!!!! What ever will we do? We need to help Bella! Wolves: We gotta help her, Jake lurvs her. Vamps: We gotta save Bella! Eddie lurvs her! What to do? Ok, lets form an alliance like we're badass autobots! No! WE HATE EACH OTHER! Escilation, escilation... Then... reluctance. We all love bella. Shes an honorary hound. She is also an honorary vamp! WE WILL DEFEAT THEM TOGETHER! But not before another couple hundred pages of bitching from Jake and Ed over who gets the girl. Bitch, moan- FIGHT!!!!! Alright, all that set aside, this book was quite a bit better than the first two. Was it the best read? no. Was it the worst? no. So, they fight, they bitch, and then Bella chooses her one true love as the cocksuckeRRBLOODsucker, Edward. AwwooOOoOOoOOoooOOo! Sad sad Jake runs off crying like someone just kicked his puppy. Congrats Team Jacob bitches. YOU LOSE! HAhahAHAHAahaAHAhahaHa! Meanwhile, the funniest part of this book is just how horny Bella is, and she can't get the D. Poor hoe.

The score: Dood bitching. Fighting over a horny betty. (hahaha!) Edward still won't give it up becuase he prefers the pecker. Jacob gets fleas. A battle sequence, good guys win. Unlikely (though somewhat obvious) teaming up to save the day. A temporary truce, like they're from some episode of star trek.

Sorry.

And finally, we've reached the final novel in this goddamn epic series of subparness!

Breaking Dawn

Ok, so again I find hope going into this book. The last one wasn't SO bad. It wasn't a great book, but it was terrible, hence the + in it's grade. This is a big step up for author Stephanie Meyer. So lets see, coming from the last book, we're now looking at, OH YES! Edward has finally given up the penis and agreed to have the sexy time with Bella. AFTER they get married. So, they plan a wedding and it is so lovely, because lets face it, Alice knows how to throw a party. And then they go one a honey moon and WHAM BAM THANK YOU SUPERMAN! Bella gets the laid. score! Uh oh though, Eddie has insanosperms and she gets the preggo! UH OH! ENTER THE.. wait... Omg. Enter the ORIGINAL STORYLINE!!!!!!! HO-LEE FUX! So, Bella is growing a freaking half vampire baby in her belly, at a rapid rate! Rosalie is like, OMG this behbeh is gonna be SO mine! Jake is like OMG this behbeh is SO DED! Bella is like, shit i might die huh? Edwards like ah fuck what did I do?!@#@()*& *CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Bellas then like, fuck it, least I got laid! And so Dr. Fang comes up with an idear to save Bellabitch, and it WORKS! Right after baby is birthed into the world. Baby then gets named the stupidest fucking name ever. A mix between her mom and Edtards "mom" - Renesmee? That kid is gonna hate them forever. So Bella becomes a vampire afterall, Jake is like, shit there goes my chance for mothafuckin EVER and now I gotta kill baby. Then he see's baby and is like OMG PUPPY LURV. More like pedifile love, but whatever. Mean while, the other dogs are like shit we gotta kill these fucks now. Then Jake is like "No way Jose! You and Tonto go fuck urselves i'm the fuck outta here!" And OH SHIT! The wolf pack splits. Not good. United we stand, divided we fall! Then words out to the ruling party of vampires in Italy of all places, and they are gonna come and kill some fucks. How do we combat against this?! WE MAKE AN ARMY!!!!!!!!

So, the two sides come together, and each army meets on the field of battle! And just as its about to go down, they get all star trek and have a pow wow over it all! That's right, the peace commity comes out in the time of need and they handle it diplomatically just like every episode of next generation. Theres no blood, no gore, no death, everyone goes home happy and they go off as one big happy family and HAPPY ENDING!

So it sounds lame huh? It wasn't *that* lame, and I have to give it to Stephanie, she wrote an original story which was relatively good until the lack of epic battle ruined it. But it didn't ruin it that bad. So the score tally reads as this: Sex, Unique Story, No plagerism, weird half vampire baby, Rosalie made a bowl for Jacob (hilarity), bitchiness, pedifiliationizing, and no epic battle.

Sorry.

So there you have it, a complete break down of the series. From start to finish, if you have about 2 weeks to kill and you like bitchiness and depression, go for it. If you prefer a better read, I've many other books I'd advise. Here, a happier, more upbeat and more entertaining read: The Encyclopedia. Or Webster's Dictionary. But, lets rank them all together and give you my final analysis. Book1 F-, Book2 F-, Book3 F+, Book4 C- (I gave her major bonus points for the lack of plagerism) And a final score.. thats right. D. A Solid D. No pluses, no minuses.. That's the best I can do, Twilight junkies. The fact is, these books are just not that good. If you're a teenage girl.. Read something else and you'll be much happier with life. Don't be emo, don't do drugs and stop sucking blood. And if a guy refuses to sex you up, remember, he wants penis more. Unless you're just not attractive.

Sorry.

Thank you!