Dood, turn off your chick rock!

Hey fuck you man! I can listen to whatever the fuck I want to and you can fuck yourself to hell!

Guys don’t like chick rock. I’m not sure why. I’ll explain. Chick Rock… rocks. We’ll get into that though. I have a few quick things to discuss first!

Check it, I made a graphic. I’m not so lazy after all! Ok thats a lie. I’m lazy as hell. If I was not lazy, I’d have a new blog like every other day. But I don’t. So we all deal. I do at least. Time to announce a few things though so lets do this!

My dear Big Brother is considering rejoining the ranks of awesome by reclaiming his old ride from college! A 1967 Jeep Commando! It doesn’t look like this picture you see here, but if he reclaims it, seeing as how he is obsessed with yellow (don’t ask me why) it will ultimately look as awesome as what you see here. So everyone give him a big round of encouragement! YOU CAN DO IT BROTHER!!!

 

On my last blog, I addressed a fellows comments with the hope he would retort. He did not. So it is with a sad heart that I must assume that I have nuked his balls into next century. I’m really kind of bummed about this. I was really hoping he would retort and give me something to get pissy with again. He didn’t. So as an illustration of how his bravery went down. I found an awesome nuke picture. Truth be told, I wanted to post a nuke picture for a while, just never had a good reason. Thanks Mark!

After a recent confession about Ouija Boards, I thought I might let you all in on a secret. You all did one as a kid. Everyone put there hands on it and WOAH OMG ITS MOVING!! ARE YOU MOVING IT?! No, I’m not, are you? NO. OMG WHATS IT GOIN TO SAY.. Ouija spells “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!” NOOOO!! OMG YOU GOTTA BE MOVIN IT! I’m FREAKING OUT!!

That was me, like every other kid on the board. The confession is.. Ghosts were not moving it. I was. it was me all along! HAHAHA and you thought it was super natural! Suckers! I’m sorry, but its true. I loved fucking with everyone when I was a kid (go figure) And Ouija was my first chance. You bought it, because you knew you didn’t move it, and no one fessed up. I’m fessing now. I moved it. Pwnd.

The final announcement is something I wanna bitch about for a second. With my blog I look for pictures to illustrate my points and such, and one of the most frustrating things I’ve come across is while searching google, I see an image I want. I click it, and its like this:

That’s right. its water marked with their personal logo, some gay as message and an advertisement for their fucking webpage.

Nothing pisses me off more than this. I take a great deal of time in preparing my blogs as some of you know, and this is a major deterrant. So to all you dickholes out there who feel the need to psych me out with shit like this.

I hate you. Passionately. With all the fires of hell. The worst part is, I can’t even get proper revenge on you. So go straight to hell. The worst of the worst is, it asks me to PAY to see the image I want. I’m not down with that. At all. cr1ck3e does not pay for SHIT.  Damn them.

That does it for this weeks announcements.

Chick Rock, it rocks, it rolls, and it blows our collective skirts up! You wanna know why, I wanna tell you, so why am it taking so long to get to it? Because I can.

After years of listening to the same old crap that everyone hears on the radio, I started to branch out. With this branching out I discovered different bands from different countries that have different styles of music that you don’t get on the radio often. Some of these chick rock bands have become more mainstream lately, so you might catch a song or two here and there.. but mostly we hear the same repetative shit on the radio followed by some douche bag who talks way to fucking much. I hate that, and so I use ipod. Its my only apple product I own. And it was a gift.

Chick Rock is not a category that can win a Grammy. But it should be. If we were to trace our roots of chick rock, theres a few different people we can name off that we really have to thank for it. I’m only going to focus on one, which I kindly like to refer to as “The Grand Mothers of Chick Rock”

Heart

Heart came out long before you were born and they were the ultimate chick rockers. 2 sisters, both hot. One jammed guitar like it was going out of style and one sang in a way that most women wish they could, and even try to copy on certain shitty ass programs like American Idol. No one can do it like the Heart sisters. They had many hits, most of which you can probably name yourself and even sing along to.

The biggest problem with chicks who rock is, eventually they become classic rock chicks. Heart’s sound stayed the same through out history. One thing did change however, and that was how much money they made. With the influx of revenue, that brought forth something terrible to destroy these hotties of hard rock.

Lunch. Though the years, we can see, the Heart sisters didn’t miss lunch much, and as a consequence, one sister kept growing in size. They kept rocking though, and just got very good at strategically placing ferns on stage to hide Fat Heart. Poor fat sister, it would never be the same for Heart, but they can still rock the house, so bow down and lick the high heals of the Queen Mothers of Hard Rock. These ladies deserve it.

The Grammy is: Life Time Achievement in Chick Rock.

Key elements to any band is the ability to make you bang your head like a maniac, like they’re  Mrs. Feelgood. This is very essential to chicks in rock. The following will make you bang your head, promise.

 

Lets start with.. Hmm.. Eurotrash.

Within Temptation

This band hails from one of my favorite places: The Netherlands. Or Holland. Where the people are Dutch. Their vocalist is a pretty lady named Sharon den Adel. She is chick, and they rock.

They refer to themselves as a Symphonic Rock band, meaning, they have a lot of Orchestral sound that goes along with the headbanging goodness. Sharon’s voice has quite the range. From a girly pitch to a very HIGH pitched sound. Its lovely. She sings alot about having hear heart ripped out, which makes me believe someone along the way really fucked with the emotions of this beautiful headbanging hottie. That makes that person a fucking retard.  Another great thing you find about these eurotrash gothic/symphonic metal/rock bands is, the band.. is all guys and they look like.. well a band. And the lead singer is eye candy in the flesh, and dresses like she knows it. Sharon is a perfect example, but true to rock star status, she has no problem banging her head and belting out glorious tunes.

These are the only Hollanders on the list, and other than legal weed smoking and prostitution, and of course, wooden shoes.. I can think of no other reason to ever pay attention to The Netherlands. The Grammy is: Best Cleavage in Rock No one does it better.. Seriously.

Nightwish

Anyone who is anyone should know who this band is. Anyone who is anyone who knows anyone who is someone like me, knows this band, because I force feed them down the ear hole of everyone I know. This band is a glorious Symphonic Metal band that hails from Finland. They’ve done something really amazing.. and that’s they have had two awesome chick singers. The first singer is of course Tarja Turunen. She is a classically trained opera singer. I admit, this is an acquired taste. Most of the people I introduce to Nightwish prefer the new singer.. but us old time fans still love Tarja, despite the fact that she was a raging bitch that refused to talk to the band, rehearse, be apart of the club, and over all was a total bitch on wheels.

That being said, she was an amazing singer, and the songs that were written for her were gloriously wonderful and she knew just how to belt them like no ones business. Despite her wonderful dresscode of coming on stage in full length evening gowns, and changing 6 times in the course of a show, AND every outfit having a microphone that matched.. oh yes, she is that much of a diva.. this chick could also head bang in a wonderful way.  For the long service done for Nightwish, we thank you Tarja. But now theres a new Sheriff in town, and her name is Anette. She is actually not from Finland like the rest of the band, but rather she is from Sweden. 

So the band kicks that diva bitch to the curb and they decide.. We’re not fucking done yet! Oh HELL no! (despite Tarja thinking she was bigger than the band) They Audition a gajillion applicants for new lead singer and they find this cute Swedish girl, and one things for sure.. She is no Tarja. In fact, her style is so very different from hers  and its astounding. She is more of a Rock edge (though many would say pop) In truth, she  sounds more like our dear Sharon, which makes sense, because Anette idolized Sharon. This brings a whole new sound to Nightwish, and especially to the old Nightwish/Tarja songs. They go on to make one album thus far, and it sells a ton, they did a wicked ass 2 year tour, I saw them, they were glorious.  But how do they fair as Chick Rock? Do they stand up? Hell yes they do! Anette gets out there and she head bangs like the Viking lass she is, and with it, she is not afraid to brandish those devil horns! So Godbless both of these Goddesses of the Goth Rock / Symphonic Metal Genre. No matter who you chose with Nightwish, this Chick Rock Band should not be shut up. Ever. And the Grammy goes for: Best MultiSinger that Both Kick Ass Chick Rock Band! (and Best Opera)

We’ve covered a couple of hard rocking head banging chick rock bands from the Eurolands, lets try our luck with a couple American bands. These will be easier for you to recognize, as our media pollution was able to let them into the mainstream. Don’t ask me how, but we’re lucky they did, because these chick rock bands kick your face into mush! Something else i should tell you. This next band was Endorsed by Korn. Personally invited to join the family values tour. If its good enough for korn, its good enough for you, bitches. 

Flyleaf

Heres a band thats only a couple years old. You see, with the previous groups we’ve talked about, they been around since the mid-late 90’s! Flyleaf actually got their first hit in 2005 with the release of their debut album.  Their sound is heavier at times, but they’ve found the radio to be a friend of theirs, and with a girl like Lacey Mosley belting away at the mic, the essential Chick Rock sound was made. Good news, Lacey is pretty easy on the eyes as well! Sure she’s not Eurotrash, but hey, that just means theres a better chance you’ll see her and her Chick Rock band in concert! Here’s something crazy about the band.. They are from Texas. Now, I was under the impression that there is nothing really good in Texas, but if girls like Lacey can come from there, then there’s hope for the imbred swines down there. Or as a Texan would call them: Garheads. No, I do not know what a garhead is. Sorry. So after making a bit of a name for themselves, Jonathan Davis of Korn personally invites this Chick Rock band to join his fellows on the Family Values tour, and if thats not good enough proof that Chick Rock is kick ass, then you are likely suffering from brain damage you got from being kicked down a fucking flight of stairs.  One thing this chick does do at times ,that you don’t see the other mentioned girls do, is she has a bit of a guttural scream when she needs it. Its awesome. The Grammy is for: Biggest Mouthed Chick in a Chick Rock Band! (seriously.. she looks like she could deep throat that mic. Sexy, no?)

Otep

Speaking of guttural noises, lets talk about Otep. Since the Genre of Chick Rock seems to need only the one prerequisite, then this band is no exception!  

Otep is a much more.. different sound than what the others have. The lead singer, who cleverly calls herself OTEP is a small little petite thing with pretty blonde hair and raging tattoos and piercings.

She also has more balls than you. I’m not fucking joking here, lads.. this chick gets out there and throws down a gutteral scream that will make your testicles shrivel up and die.

She also has very little problem thrashing on stage as she screams her poetic nonsense about the terrible things in life. Seriously, someone fucked with this chick bad. Either that or she just has a really dark twisted imagination. Or both. Probably both. I noticed when looking at pictures, she is an Obama supporter. I’m sure Obama would not approve of her death metal growl that could make a wolf tuck tail and run. And as we all know.. no one fucks with a wolf.

Once, Otep toured with Five Finger Death Punch. Apparently, the general consensus was, she made that lead singer look like a bitch. Not easy to do. So if you’re walking down a dark alley and you see this chick, you’d better bow down, or she’ll devour your soul, chop off your head and spit down your neck. And then you’ll thank her. The Grammy: Baddest Bitch in Rock. All Rock.

Paramore

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve at least heard of Paramore. They’re mainstream and on the radio. They tour and they make bazillianajoids of money, and they are even quite popular.

Every time i hear these folks on the radio I have no choice but to crank it up. Haley knows how to scream and bounce and even bang her head on stage so you cannot escape how totally tubular these guys really are. They are actually, pretty young as well, which is a good thing, because it means our Lady of Paramore will retain her looks for a good many years before the lunches kick in and she has to hide behind a fern on stage.

Now, lets talk about how the interweb and the young age of dear Haley and how it has come to be a torment for her, and a blessing for bastards like myself. You see, one night, Haley was texting yours truly and it happened like this.

*Haley* You know I love you, cr1ck3e.

*cr1ck3e* Of course.

*Haley* Promise not to show another soul?

*cr1ck3e* Yes.

**Incoming MMS**

 

Don’t ask me where things went wrong from there, I really don’t know. But I say, its not that big of a deal, because we guys are always being forcefed seeing rockstars who are ugly dudes with their shirts off brandishing their hard body, and while we gag, the ladies swoon. Why should our lives be deprived as such? They shouldn’t. As we all know, I am a strong believer in equal rights.

So on this night, i was vindicated. Some time later, the rest of the human race was, as poor Haley’s Twitter account was hacked. And the goods were leaked. And the chick rock loving guys in the world were treated to something wonderful. Do you want me to share? Should I? It wouldn’t be right would it? Who said I give a shit about what is really right anyways.

So thats how it went down. Poor lovely Haley showed her chesticles to EVERYONE that night. Though it wasn’t her that showed the twins off. The culprit has not been captured, but that’s because I wear my sunglasses at night, motherfuckers!

No really, i do. Too much light, i get headaches. This also makes me look like a bank robber, and very possibly the creepiest guy at walmart at 2 am. It certainly has made my life difficult.

The Grammy: Best Bare Boobs in Chick Rock. Also spunkiest.

So I’ve covered all I care to cover for now, so good night.

No seriously, its night time, and I don’t sleep, I only nap.. and napping can only successfully be done when something important is happening, like the sun is out.

Evanescene

I don’t even know how to spell that bands name, I have to check the never wrong wikipedia for it. But whatever. I do. Because I’m resourceful. You’re welcome.

So this band came out a few years back and they jumped to emense popularity quickly. This did not come on the thrashing talent by the members of the band, but rather on the beautiful tits physical features of Amy Lee. Not only is this chick smoking hot, but she can also sing like there is no tomorrow. But something tragic happened. She got mixed up with the cock stain bitch from Seether and then they spent the next TOO FUCKING LONG insulting each other and bitching about their past relationship, like they were 3 days grace or stained or something. I’ll tell you one thing I fucking can’t stand. Lima Beans, They are disgusting. But if theres 2 things I can’t stand, the other one is Stained. All that guy does is bitch about how fucked up his life is. Its so rough being a millionaire, you fuckers don’t even understand, but I’ve written 10 fucking albums about how i hate life and my parents and my ex girlfriend so whatever, get the fucking clue.

Realistically ever good band has a nice hateful EX song. I argued this point strongly for a long time, until one person said: What about Tool? I had to think about it for a bit, but I answered in so strong of a retort that the point could not be argued. The song is called Prison Sex.

What?

Anyways, Amy Lee is one sexy chick and you love her with all your soul. Some would call her the Sexiest girl in Rock. Those some would be totally wrong, but I saved that honor for last didn’t I? Oh yes I did precious! Because what would my sexest blog be without saving the Sexiest of all Sexest for last? I’d be like every other douche bag who gives away the goods too soon! No, you have to earn it! I only go 2nd base on a first date.  

Where was I? Oh right, Amy Lee. You love her, I love her. What more is there to say? Can she bang the head? Ask the guy from Seether.. Bahahaha, no really, do it. Should be able to find him int he yellow pages under “WORLDS BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT”

This chick though, she sings, and she rocks. She rocks so hard, she too was endorsed by Jonathan Davis from Korn, and did a nice little duet with him on the Korn Unplugged album. Little song you may have heard called “Freak on a Leash” – And I have gotta say, this version of the song, if you’ve not heard it.. it’ll blow you mind. Wait for when Amy Lee backs away from the microphone to scream FUCK! Its hot. Almost as hot as her. I love a woman who can talk like a sailor, since after all, I am a Pirate. And as we all know, Pirates kill Ninja’s for fun. What does that have to do with anything? EVERYTHING.

Because I’m the mom that’s why!!!

Amy Lee was honorable mention for hottest chick in rock, and so I have to give her.. something.

The Grammy: Highest Success in Chick Rock going Mainstream and getting Endorsed by a badass band like Korn.

Thats a pretty good award. She also wins for “Sexiest Eyes in Rock”

The grammy’s really screw up by not having awesome categories like i come up with. If only someone of importance would hire me. But they don’t. So everyone continues to make fun of the Grammy’s because they suck.

Lacuna Coil

This band is so fucking awesome they don’t need Jonathan Davis’s endorsement. Plus they have a guy “singer” named Andreas who looks a lot like JD. I’m not putting up a special picture of him, because I’m not having a sausage fest here. This one is about CHICK ROCK and the Chicks WHO Rock. Fuckin A. Girl Power. 

 

This band’s male singer really can’t sing very well, but he sounds ok on the album crap. Hear it live and you’re like what the hell is that?? Yup that’s Andreas. But, they also have Cristina Scabbia and that is amazing. She’s a powerhouse of vocals, and lets face it, shes sexy as fuck. In a head to head mud wrestling match versus Amy Lee, she’d probably win, because she’s not a soft american scum. No no, this is another Eurotrash band, and they are from Italy. Which in case you forgot, is also where the mob came from. It’d probably be a close match though, and I could make more money than either band promoting that fight. And we could sell it on paperview for a 100$ a pop and everyone would tune in. You know its true. If you’re a heterosexual female, you’re looking at Cristina and Amy and saying to yourself, “Look, I’m not into chicks or anything.. but I’d do either of those if they asked.” And you’d be so right for doing so. Just video tape and email it to me. You know the addy. 

The good news is, not only is this chick hot, but she rocks. She can headbang harder than you’ve ever seen a chick headbang, she can sing, and its the real deal. She works the crowd, SHE is the real fucking deal. She’s like the Heart of old, before the ferns. And the rest of the band? they’re awesome. These Italians will have you jamming so hard in your car you’ll drive through a mall and think it was a crack in the road. And your car will be invincible with their awesome sounds blasting from their speakers. Even if you drive a Kia. I promise. The Grammy: Hottest Chick in Rock. Also: Best Female Vocalist in a Chick Rock Band.

These cum dumpsters who tell you to turn off your chick rock are retards, and these are also the same fuck heads who can sing every word to “Man I feel like a Woman!” By Shania Twain. Is that wrong though? Oh no, that’s Country and its ok. Well no its not. I don’t feel like a woman when I jam my chick rock, and neither should you, unless of course, you are a woman. Chick Rock is wonderful because realistically, women have more range to their voices, and they have prettier voices. They can make a sad song make even He-Man want to cry. They can make a loud fast song make even a 400 lbs land monster in one of those carts for fat fucks want to stand up and jump up and down till they die. Which is like one or two jumps. Poor fat people. Its not gay listening to chick rock, because look, most of the band are guys. They are playing the instruments, and they have gotten wise to the world, they have found a hot front person to make them get noticed. Is that gay? No, that’s marketing bitch, and its goddamn good marketing. Sex sells, always has. Sexier your singer, better chances of getting noticed. And finally, use the Jonathan Davis line of defense if all else fails. If he likes it, you’d better agree, or he’ll kill you. And then feed your soul to Otep. Next time someone says its gay to listen to  Chick Rock, first play Otep so their balls shrivel up. Then you tell them that listening to a guy sing in really tight pants and no shirt, is.. technically.. much more homosexual than ANY of the mentioned Mistresses of Mayhem!

Long Live Chick Rock!

Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.