Kamelot and Nightwish Review

What’s up bitches. Its now 2013 and some of you are wondering where the fuck I’ve been. Well it’s a long detailed story that I’ll maybe squeeze into one paragraph to explain.

Firstly, as we all know the end of the world was supposed to happen. And it fucking didn’t. This was kind of a disappointment for me. I was really hoping we’d all be consumed with zombies. So much that I’d boobie trapped all around my tree house. Stockpiled ammo for my guns, and gotten a shit load of Chef Boyardi ravioli. Needless to say, the neighbors have been pissed because of the traps. The ammo has not gone to waste, because bullets are always in style, and my diet has helped me gain that desired 300 lbs. So, I stock piled and I waited. And waited. And was destroyed when the zombies didn’t attack. So we didn’t have the end of the world, and though I went off the grid waiting for it to happen.. because I’m a prepared motherfucker like that.. Now I guess it’s time to return to reality and get some shit done.

Look. I know we didn’t hit 12 blogs last year. That’s less that one a month. But I did spend a lot of time looking at porn, and when you think about it, that’s really more productive than writing anyways.

Where was I? Oh right, so this year we’re going to try to do better. But really, its not like anyone remembers my anniversary anyways. I’ll be bitching about that in about 11 months. So be ready.

Also, I broke your awful little hearts by not tossing out two more fantastical blogs before the end of the year. Yep, I did it. Why? Life is harsh motherfucker. I just dosed your ass with hard truth.

I think that pretty much catches us up. Welcome to the post apocalypse! Lets get this drag queen fashion show going. 321go! This first blog is one that I meant to write months ago, because well, it fills time and stuff. Anything to make us look more impressive. But really, its worth writing because anything I deem worthy is worth it. So we’re going to do an old fashioned concert review! Yay, gather round kids!

I was at the concert I’m reviewing. And my hearing works. Game, set, match.

The concert, as the title states, was Nightwish with Kamelot. Many of you are probably asking who these bands are. In which case, take your ass over to YouTube, iTunes, or wherever and find the fuck out for yourself. For the rest of you who are saying, Oh shit! I know them!! This is for you.

For those of you rejoining us now after having spent some time listening to said bands, welcome back.. Are you ready for this shit? It’s a helluva story. Lets go!

For this concert, I had to take a road trip. Road trips are always fun, right? I loaded up the jeep with all kinds of snacks and mountain dew and a good friend and I drove off into the sunset and traffic to find this show. Road trips are always a blast.. unless it’s a road trip to Denver, CO. That place fucking blows. If you’ve never been, don’t bother. It pretty much sucks balls. But this is where Nightwish was going to be and we weren’t going to miss it, so off we went.

The venue was small. I find that to be enjoyable because unless you’re standing behind a giant, there’s really no bad seats. But the parking normally blows ass. As in, you had to park like 12 city blocks away. Which we did, and we literally had to GPS our way back to the venue. Not the greatest of things, but we made it in time so who gives a fuck right? It was a lot better than when I drove to same said venue to see 30 Seconds to Mars and spent 45 minutes wandering around lost, and thus missing the entire opening act. Who I should mention, was a shitty band I didn’t want to see anyways, so no love lost there.

So then we settled in for the show. Found our place to stand, because like all true band venues, this one was standing room only. Let the games begin.

 

 

 

Right before they came on, my companion turns to me and almost ruins the entire show. She says to me, “did you hear? Kamelot has a new singer?” NO! I said, NO! This cannot be!! “yep, I hope he’s good!” Such optimism. Such is a thing that comes with one so young. I have a confession before we go any further. I like Kamelot, they’re a cool band, blah blah blah.. I’d downloaded like 3 songs of theirs.. ever. I could identify them when they popped up on Pandora.. but that was it. So I was expecting good things. Now this fucking bomb drops and all the sudden I’m worried. Thanks a fuckin lot. Should have just let me be ignorant.

Because the truth is, I probably wouldn’t have known the difference. Sure I knew the lead singers name was Khan. Roy Khan. I only remember that because I’ve seen the wrath of Kahn. Whatever, say what you fucking like, but Khan is a cool as shit name to go by. I’ve actually considered changing critic to Khan.. but I didn’t. So suck on that motherfuckers.

So Kamelot takes the stage, complete with new lead singer Tommy Karevik, and like I said.. had no one told me, I wouldn’t have even  known, because this guy sounded exactly the same as Kahn. Hell, I even thought he kinda looked liked him too. So bonus for Kamelot, they lose one, they find a clone. I think this is the best thing for ANY band to do. I mean, AC/DC did it.. and lets face it, those guys have the same voice and its fucking AWFUL but that’s part of their charm and part of what makes them..well.. them. And fan’s like it. Me personally, I can only stand AC/DC for about 15 minutes before I have to fucking break something. Maybe that’s just me?

Back to the story. Kamelot comes on and they start playing their songs… and I have to be honest.. I realized that though I liked what they were playing.. I had no clue what any of the songs were. As I said, I had downloaded previously.. a whopping 3 songs of theirs. And none of those songs were getting played. So.. I was kinda lost. Fuckers. I’ve been to many shows, so I’ve had this happen. Fear not, I knew how to blend in. And we fuckin rocked. And I’ve gotta say… this band kicks. They were fucking great live. This band was so good that it inspired me to get home and fire up my Xbox music and get their shit on my phone, Zune, and Xbox.

And, for reference, I did just that. I have not been disappointed, and neither will you. Download this shit today. Anyways, back to the story.

Where were we? Oh right, Kamelot. I was thinking about porn again. Um, so they played, they sounded great, they kicked serious ass. I thought I saw like 3 people I knew at the show, though I didn’t dare say hi, because I didn’t want to have to use the excuse of “Sorry, I’m just really high..” As to why I’d start a conversation with a complete stranger. Before Kamelot finished off, and gave their farewells, they played a whole ONE song I knew. This problem will not happen again. Would I see them again? Fuck yes I would. Should we grade them? Yes, lets grade them! Why? Because its fucking fun.

• Stage presence
• Performance
• Skill
• Ear bleeding loud music

That’s right, I give them an A+ because they were fucking great. They’re worth seeing if you get the chance. I never saw them with Kahn as their front man, but I can’t help but feel like they didn’t miss a step with the addition of their new singer. Oh, and I’ve been told by women, “I don’t care what that singer looks like, I’d fuck him based on his voice alone.” Ladies, that’s enough motivation for you there. Fellas.. well.. Take a chick with you, maybe she’ll get freaky with you after the show. Stranger things have happened.

Before I tell you about Nightwish, I have some bad news. I’m out of smokes. Time for a trip to the store.

Ok, back in business. Onward, bitches!

 

As the roadies start to take down all of the Kamelot garb on the stage and prepare the scene for Nightwish to take over and make our brains bleed, two members of Nightwish come to the stage and the crowd goes nuts! It’s the Keyboardist, who is the heart and soul of this band, writes all the music, etc. And the pipes player. Tuomas and Troy. Troy is English, the rest of the band is (mostly) Finnish, so I’m betting he’s on stage to do the talking because he has the easiest accent for us to understand. This is where, as a concert goer, you get the worst possible news you can get. The show is on the verge of cancelling. They announce that the lead singer, Anette, has been rushed to the ER. He says to us, “There’s not much we can do without her. Management wants us to cancel the show. We don’t want to. We’re here, you’re here.. We want to play, so we’re going to take a vote. By a show of hands, no cheering, who wants us to cancel the show?” At that point, no one raised their hands. “Alright, our solution is, we’ll get the couple back up singers from Kamelot who have agreed to help us as best they can, to sing for us. And you’ll sing along, and we’ll put on a show that is as best as we can. Who wants that?” Every hand in the place shot up. “Well then, looks like we’ll play after all then, thank you so much.” And the crowd goes nuts. Then comes the longest wait in between bands I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve been to more shows than I can count on my hands AND feet, and this one was seriously long. Eventually though, Nightwish takes the stage and starts what I think will likely go down as the strangest show I’ve ever seen, and possibly the strangest show this band has ever played.

But the show kicked ass! By normal standards, this was a fucking awful show. The back up singers from Kamelot came out, and did the best they could, they got words wrong, they sang off of lyrics sheets. At one point, Elize started to sing one song, whilst the band started a different song. they stopped playing and told her, having her flip through the papers in her hand until she found the right one before starting again. By all concert going standards, this is a fucking disaster. But it was goddamned amazing. The band played, and they smiled and generally seemed to have a great fucking time.

I’ve seen Nightwish before. That was one thing I noted the last time I saw them. Of all the bands I’ve seen, this one seemed to generally be having the most fun of any fucking band I’ve seen before. While they play, they look like it’s the greatest job in the world, and goddamn it, it is. I’ve seen so many bands who look angry and upset while they play, and I think, man that job must be torturous, right? WRONG! Being a rock star kicks ass. That’s why everyone wants to do it. Don’t get up there in front of me after I paid money to see your ass and act like its awful to be there, you motherfucker. How fucking dare you spit on me like that. Not Nightwish. They get up and they put on a show. And they enjoy it almost as much as I do. They crowd at this particular show was so loud that after one song which was, by all practical standards, butchered somewhat, the crowd- as I say, was so goddamned loud that the walls and floor were shaking. The building was electric. This was one of the coolest fucking shows in the world. The bassist would change the pitch of his voice to sing Anette’s parts, and then sing normal to his parts.

So despite everything, the band put forth a great set. They played songs which are purely instrumental, they sang where they could, they had the crowd help, they had back up singers from the other band, who, incidentally, had already dumped a ton of energy with the first set. As I said, one of the oddest concerts I’ve ever seen, but one of the absolute best. If you haven’t seen Nightwish yet, I highly recommend them. They’re worth the price. They’re worth driving to someplace, even one as shitty as Denver to see. Make sure before you die that you check this one off of your bucket list, bitches. You’ll thank me for it.

So lets grade them.

• Didn’t cancel, even without lead singer
• Ear shattering loud music
• A band having a great time
• Great music
• Awesome stage presence

As I already said, if you get a chance to see this band, do it. Don’t hesitate, just do it. Like you’re a Nike shoe or some shit.

But the story doesn’t end there. The interesting part came in the days to follow.

 

Yes, the aftermath. As strange and weird as that fucking show was, what happened next was weirder. That’s pretty hard to do when you consider the concert consisted of two bands without their lead singers. Well, one without its lead singer, one with a new one.

But whatever. You get what I mean. So fuck you.

Right so, for this part of the blog, the story is going to come straight from the horses mouth so to speak, and no, I’m not talking about Sarah Jessica Parker. Lets start with what NW posted on Facebook right after the show shall we?

That pretty much summed it up. At that point, you would think that would be the end of it. Everyone can let out a sigh and the band hits the road to play Salt Lake City the next day. Because that’s what badass rock stars do, right? Well, that wasn’t the end of it. The absent vocalist had to throw in her two cents, though really.. she shouldn’t have.

Like life, sometimes shows do get cancelled. Rhianna wouldn’t ask Britney to sing for her… This makes complete sense. However, this is fucking NIGHTWISH. Be honest. If you hadn’t stumbled across my blog here, would you even know who Nightwish was?

If you’re from Europe.. maybe. If you’re American, there’s no fucking way. A band tours like crazy to support what fans they do have, because that’s the job. Because that’s what sells albums. Get fucking real lady, you’re not Rhianna, you’re not even in the same category as her. Meanwhile, the band is happy to have their sickness-prone singer back. While she was on her personal blog making snide comments, the band was on facebook.

Well, at least the band seemed excited to perform again. Can’t say I’m terribly upset I chose the Denver show over SLC, but hey that’s just me. But, again the show went on, and the posts happened afterwards.

Well ok, she’s sick right? Let her have her moment.. and then sh..

On..ward? To..Seattle? I think? Ok, this bitch obviously crossed the line right? The band put on a fucking show without her and so she compares herself to Rhianna, and insults the people who filled in for her? Not only that, but she expects that a cancelled show for everyone who paid to see them is acceptable? Who the fuck is she now? Axel Rose? You can get away with that kind bullshit when you’re someone seriously famous, but not when you’re a member of fucking Nightwish.. especially when you take into consideration- they have a past history of tossing out bitch lead singers who think they’re more important than the band. Seems like she’s committing professional suicide here, but maybe that’s just me. But then NW took to face book again.

Hahaha, the stupid fucking bitch got herself canned. That means she clearly did NOT learn anything from her predecessor who got her shit canned as well. If you don’t remember my last blog some years ago where I talked about the original NW and their singer Tarja.. well then I say go back and read it. Here’s the readers digest version though: Original singer, turned super bitch, all about the money, wanted to cancel shows for bullshit reasons, didn’t contribute to the making of music – opera singer, diva, cunt, publicly executed by the band.

So after that highly public split, which was from an open letter basically telling the world what kind of twat waffle she is, the band goes through an extensive interview process, a bit of time off and they hire Ms. Anette who at first would sacrifice a tit to be part of this band, and toured the world and became (somewhat) famous..ish. Only to blow it all away like a stupid idiot, the way Tarja did. I find it slightly shocking, but with women- nothing is really shocking. That’s ok, Anette couldn’t sing the old shit like Tarja anyways, since she wasn’t an opera singer.

So now the band is in phase three. I’m of the mind that when a band fires a singer you should always stick it out with the band. Just because the person singing is gone doesn’t mean the music stops. The music is what we really like anyways. There’s always another singer, look at American Idol. So the band gets Floor Jansen to fill in and she can sing much the same as Anette.. but she can also blow some opera shit. Its impressive. I only feel cheated because I didn’t get to see HER with NW in concert. Perhaps next time, if she accepts a permanent job with the band. She’d be a fool not to, and they’d be a fool not to offer her a permanent stay. The chick is good. She’s the perfect bridge between the singers they’ve had so all music from any albums can hit the stage at any time, and that my friends is one helluva show, especially considering you’re now on singer number 3.

The whole story. Its like you got to be a fly on the wall for that shit. I for one, hope to see them back in the states again. Its worth the cost, worth the drive, and who knows, maybe you’ll have a cool story to tell next time they come through.

Dood, turn off your chick rock!

Hey fuck you man! I can listen to whatever the fuck I want to and you can fuck yourself to hell!

Guys don’t like chick rock. I’m not sure why. I’ll explain. Chick Rock… rocks. We’ll get into that though. I have a few quick things to discuss first!

Check it, I made a graphic. I’m not so lazy after all! Ok thats a lie. I’m lazy as hell. If I was not lazy, I’d have a new blog like every other day. But I don’t. So we all deal. I do at least. Time to announce a few things though so lets do this!

My dear Big Brother is considering rejoining the ranks of awesome by reclaiming his old ride from college! A 1967 Jeep Commando! It doesn’t look like this picture you see here, but if he reclaims it, seeing as how he is obsessed with yellow (don’t ask me why) it will ultimately look as awesome as what you see here. So everyone give him a big round of encouragement! YOU CAN DO IT BROTHER!!!

 

On my last blog, I addressed a fellows comments with the hope he would retort. He did not. So it is with a sad heart that I must assume that I have nuked his balls into next century. I’m really kind of bummed about this. I was really hoping he would retort and give me something to get pissy with again. He didn’t. So as an illustration of how his bravery went down. I found an awesome nuke picture. Truth be told, I wanted to post a nuke picture for a while, just never had a good reason. Thanks Mark!

After a recent confession about Ouija Boards, I thought I might let you all in on a secret. You all did one as a kid. Everyone put there hands on it and WOAH OMG ITS MOVING!! ARE YOU MOVING IT?! No, I’m not, are you? NO. OMG WHATS IT GOIN TO SAY.. Ouija spells “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!” NOOOO!! OMG YOU GOTTA BE MOVIN IT! I’m FREAKING OUT!!

That was me, like every other kid on the board. The confession is.. Ghosts were not moving it. I was. it was me all along! HAHAHA and you thought it was super natural! Suckers! I’m sorry, but its true. I loved fucking with everyone when I was a kid (go figure) And Ouija was my first chance. You bought it, because you knew you didn’t move it, and no one fessed up. I’m fessing now. I moved it. Pwnd.

The final announcement is something I wanna bitch about for a second. With my blog I look for pictures to illustrate my points and such, and one of the most frustrating things I’ve come across is while searching google, I see an image I want. I click it, and its like this:

That’s right. its water marked with their personal logo, some gay as message and an advertisement for their fucking webpage.

Nothing pisses me off more than this. I take a great deal of time in preparing my blogs as some of you know, and this is a major deterrant. So to all you dickholes out there who feel the need to psych me out with shit like this.

I hate you. Passionately. With all the fires of hell. The worst part is, I can’t even get proper revenge on you. So go straight to hell. The worst of the worst is, it asks me to PAY to see the image I want. I’m not down with that. At all. cr1ck3e does not pay for SHIT.  Damn them.

That does it for this weeks announcements.

Chick Rock, it rocks, it rolls, and it blows our collective skirts up! You wanna know why, I wanna tell you, so why am it taking so long to get to it? Because I can.

After years of listening to the same old crap that everyone hears on the radio, I started to branch out. With this branching out I discovered different bands from different countries that have different styles of music that you don’t get on the radio often. Some of these chick rock bands have become more mainstream lately, so you might catch a song or two here and there.. but mostly we hear the same repetative shit on the radio followed by some douche bag who talks way to fucking much. I hate that, and so I use ipod. Its my only apple product I own. And it was a gift.

Chick Rock is not a category that can win a Grammy. But it should be. If we were to trace our roots of chick rock, theres a few different people we can name off that we really have to thank for it. I’m only going to focus on one, which I kindly like to refer to as “The Grand Mothers of Chick Rock”

Heart

Heart came out long before you were born and they were the ultimate chick rockers. 2 sisters, both hot. One jammed guitar like it was going out of style and one sang in a way that most women wish they could, and even try to copy on certain shitty ass programs like American Idol. No one can do it like the Heart sisters. They had many hits, most of which you can probably name yourself and even sing along to.

The biggest problem with chicks who rock is, eventually they become classic rock chicks. Heart’s sound stayed the same through out history. One thing did change however, and that was how much money they made. With the influx of revenue, that brought forth something terrible to destroy these hotties of hard rock.

Lunch. Though the years, we can see, the Heart sisters didn’t miss lunch much, and as a consequence, one sister kept growing in size. They kept rocking though, and just got very good at strategically placing ferns on stage to hide Fat Heart. Poor fat sister, it would never be the same for Heart, but they can still rock the house, so bow down and lick the high heals of the Queen Mothers of Hard Rock. These ladies deserve it.

The Grammy is: Life Time Achievement in Chick Rock.

Key elements to any band is the ability to make you bang your head like a maniac, like they’re  Mrs. Feelgood. This is very essential to chicks in rock. The following will make you bang your head, promise.

 

Lets start with.. Hmm.. Eurotrash.

Within Temptation

This band hails from one of my favorite places: The Netherlands. Or Holland. Where the people are Dutch. Their vocalist is a pretty lady named Sharon den Adel. She is chick, and they rock.

They refer to themselves as a Symphonic Rock band, meaning, they have a lot of Orchestral sound that goes along with the headbanging goodness. Sharon’s voice has quite the range. From a girly pitch to a very HIGH pitched sound. Its lovely. She sings alot about having hear heart ripped out, which makes me believe someone along the way really fucked with the emotions of this beautiful headbanging hottie. That makes that person a fucking retard.  Another great thing you find about these eurotrash gothic/symphonic metal/rock bands is, the band.. is all guys and they look like.. well a band. And the lead singer is eye candy in the flesh, and dresses like she knows it. Sharon is a perfect example, but true to rock star status, she has no problem banging her head and belting out glorious tunes.

These are the only Hollanders on the list, and other than legal weed smoking and prostitution, and of course, wooden shoes.. I can think of no other reason to ever pay attention to The Netherlands. The Grammy is: Best Cleavage in Rock No one does it better.. Seriously.

Nightwish

Anyone who is anyone should know who this band is. Anyone who is anyone who knows anyone who is someone like me, knows this band, because I force feed them down the ear hole of everyone I know. This band is a glorious Symphonic Metal band that hails from Finland. They’ve done something really amazing.. and that’s they have had two awesome chick singers. The first singer is of course Tarja Turunen. She is a classically trained opera singer. I admit, this is an acquired taste. Most of the people I introduce to Nightwish prefer the new singer.. but us old time fans still love Tarja, despite the fact that she was a raging bitch that refused to talk to the band, rehearse, be apart of the club, and over all was a total bitch on wheels.

That being said, she was an amazing singer, and the songs that were written for her were gloriously wonderful and she knew just how to belt them like no ones business. Despite her wonderful dresscode of coming on stage in full length evening gowns, and changing 6 times in the course of a show, AND every outfit having a microphone that matched.. oh yes, she is that much of a diva.. this chick could also head bang in a wonderful way.  For the long service done for Nightwish, we thank you Tarja. But now theres a new Sheriff in town, and her name is Anette. She is actually not from Finland like the rest of the band, but rather she is from Sweden. 

So the band kicks that diva bitch to the curb and they decide.. We’re not fucking done yet! Oh HELL no! (despite Tarja thinking she was bigger than the band) They Audition a gajillion applicants for new lead singer and they find this cute Swedish girl, and one things for sure.. She is no Tarja. In fact, her style is so very different from hers  and its astounding. She is more of a Rock edge (though many would say pop) In truth, she  sounds more like our dear Sharon, which makes sense, because Anette idolized Sharon. This brings a whole new sound to Nightwish, and especially to the old Nightwish/Tarja songs. They go on to make one album thus far, and it sells a ton, they did a wicked ass 2 year tour, I saw them, they were glorious.  But how do they fair as Chick Rock? Do they stand up? Hell yes they do! Anette gets out there and she head bangs like the Viking lass she is, and with it, she is not afraid to brandish those devil horns! So Godbless both of these Goddesses of the Goth Rock / Symphonic Metal Genre. No matter who you chose with Nightwish, this Chick Rock Band should not be shut up. Ever. And the Grammy goes for: Best MultiSinger that Both Kick Ass Chick Rock Band! (and Best Opera)

We’ve covered a couple of hard rocking head banging chick rock bands from the Eurolands, lets try our luck with a couple American bands. These will be easier for you to recognize, as our media pollution was able to let them into the mainstream. Don’t ask me how, but we’re lucky they did, because these chick rock bands kick your face into mush! Something else i should tell you. This next band was Endorsed by Korn. Personally invited to join the family values tour. If its good enough for korn, its good enough for you, bitches. 

Flyleaf

Heres a band thats only a couple years old. You see, with the previous groups we’ve talked about, they been around since the mid-late 90’s! Flyleaf actually got their first hit in 2005 with the release of their debut album.  Their sound is heavier at times, but they’ve found the radio to be a friend of theirs, and with a girl like Lacey Mosley belting away at the mic, the essential Chick Rock sound was made. Good news, Lacey is pretty easy on the eyes as well! Sure she’s not Eurotrash, but hey, that just means theres a better chance you’ll see her and her Chick Rock band in concert! Here’s something crazy about the band.. They are from Texas. Now, I was under the impression that there is nothing really good in Texas, but if girls like Lacey can come from there, then there’s hope for the imbred swines down there. Or as a Texan would call them: Garheads. No, I do not know what a garhead is. Sorry. So after making a bit of a name for themselves, Jonathan Davis of Korn personally invites this Chick Rock band to join his fellows on the Family Values tour, and if thats not good enough proof that Chick Rock is kick ass, then you are likely suffering from brain damage you got from being kicked down a fucking flight of stairs.  One thing this chick does do at times ,that you don’t see the other mentioned girls do, is she has a bit of a guttural scream when she needs it. Its awesome. The Grammy is for: Biggest Mouthed Chick in a Chick Rock Band! (seriously.. she looks like she could deep throat that mic. Sexy, no?)

Otep

Speaking of guttural noises, lets talk about Otep. Since the Genre of Chick Rock seems to need only the one prerequisite, then this band is no exception!  

Otep is a much more.. different sound than what the others have. The lead singer, who cleverly calls herself OTEP is a small little petite thing with pretty blonde hair and raging tattoos and piercings.

She also has more balls than you. I’m not fucking joking here, lads.. this chick gets out there and throws down a gutteral scream that will make your testicles shrivel up and die.

She also has very little problem thrashing on stage as she screams her poetic nonsense about the terrible things in life. Seriously, someone fucked with this chick bad. Either that or she just has a really dark twisted imagination. Or both. Probably both. I noticed when looking at pictures, she is an Obama supporter. I’m sure Obama would not approve of her death metal growl that could make a wolf tuck tail and run. And as we all know.. no one fucks with a wolf.

Once, Otep toured with Five Finger Death Punch. Apparently, the general consensus was, she made that lead singer look like a bitch. Not easy to do. So if you’re walking down a dark alley and you see this chick, you’d better bow down, or she’ll devour your soul, chop off your head and spit down your neck. And then you’ll thank her. The Grammy: Baddest Bitch in Rock. All Rock.

Paramore

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve at least heard of Paramore. They’re mainstream and on the radio. They tour and they make bazillianajoids of money, and they are even quite popular.

Every time i hear these folks on the radio I have no choice but to crank it up. Haley knows how to scream and bounce and even bang her head on stage so you cannot escape how totally tubular these guys really are. They are actually, pretty young as well, which is a good thing, because it means our Lady of Paramore will retain her looks for a good many years before the lunches kick in and she has to hide behind a fern on stage.

Now, lets talk about how the interweb and the young age of dear Haley and how it has come to be a torment for her, and a blessing for bastards like myself. You see, one night, Haley was texting yours truly and it happened like this.

*Haley* You know I love you, cr1ck3e.

*cr1ck3e* Of course.

*Haley* Promise not to show another soul?

*cr1ck3e* Yes.

**Incoming MMS**

 

Don’t ask me where things went wrong from there, I really don’t know. But I say, its not that big of a deal, because we guys are always being forcefed seeing rockstars who are ugly dudes with their shirts off brandishing their hard body, and while we gag, the ladies swoon. Why should our lives be deprived as such? They shouldn’t. As we all know, I am a strong believer in equal rights.

So on this night, i was vindicated. Some time later, the rest of the human race was, as poor Haley’s Twitter account was hacked. And the goods were leaked. And the chick rock loving guys in the world were treated to something wonderful. Do you want me to share? Should I? It wouldn’t be right would it? Who said I give a shit about what is really right anyways.

So thats how it went down. Poor lovely Haley showed her chesticles to EVERYONE that night. Though it wasn’t her that showed the twins off. The culprit has not been captured, but that’s because I wear my sunglasses at night, motherfuckers!

No really, i do. Too much light, i get headaches. This also makes me look like a bank robber, and very possibly the creepiest guy at walmart at 2 am. It certainly has made my life difficult.

The Grammy: Best Bare Boobs in Chick Rock. Also spunkiest.

So I’ve covered all I care to cover for now, so good night.

No seriously, its night time, and I don’t sleep, I only nap.. and napping can only successfully be done when something important is happening, like the sun is out.

Evanescene

I don’t even know how to spell that bands name, I have to check the never wrong wikipedia for it. But whatever. I do. Because I’m resourceful. You’re welcome.

So this band came out a few years back and they jumped to emense popularity quickly. This did not come on the thrashing talent by the members of the band, but rather on the beautiful tits physical features of Amy Lee. Not only is this chick smoking hot, but she can also sing like there is no tomorrow. But something tragic happened. She got mixed up with the cock stain bitch from Seether and then they spent the next TOO FUCKING LONG insulting each other and bitching about their past relationship, like they were 3 days grace or stained or something. I’ll tell you one thing I fucking can’t stand. Lima Beans, They are disgusting. But if theres 2 things I can’t stand, the other one is Stained. All that guy does is bitch about how fucked up his life is. Its so rough being a millionaire, you fuckers don’t even understand, but I’ve written 10 fucking albums about how i hate life and my parents and my ex girlfriend so whatever, get the fucking clue.

Realistically ever good band has a nice hateful EX song. I argued this point strongly for a long time, until one person said: What about Tool? I had to think about it for a bit, but I answered in so strong of a retort that the point could not be argued. The song is called Prison Sex.

What?

Anyways, Amy Lee is one sexy chick and you love her with all your soul. Some would call her the Sexiest girl in Rock. Those some would be totally wrong, but I saved that honor for last didn’t I? Oh yes I did precious! Because what would my sexest blog be without saving the Sexiest of all Sexest for last? I’d be like every other douche bag who gives away the goods too soon! No, you have to earn it! I only go 2nd base on a first date.  

Where was I? Oh right, Amy Lee. You love her, I love her. What more is there to say? Can she bang the head? Ask the guy from Seether.. Bahahaha, no really, do it. Should be able to find him int he yellow pages under “WORLDS BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT”

This chick though, she sings, and she rocks. She rocks so hard, she too was endorsed by Jonathan Davis from Korn, and did a nice little duet with him on the Korn Unplugged album. Little song you may have heard called “Freak on a Leash” – And I have gotta say, this version of the song, if you’ve not heard it.. it’ll blow you mind. Wait for when Amy Lee backs away from the microphone to scream FUCK! Its hot. Almost as hot as her. I love a woman who can talk like a sailor, since after all, I am a Pirate. And as we all know, Pirates kill Ninja’s for fun. What does that have to do with anything? EVERYTHING.

Because I’m the mom that’s why!!!

Amy Lee was honorable mention for hottest chick in rock, and so I have to give her.. something.

The Grammy: Highest Success in Chick Rock going Mainstream and getting Endorsed by a badass band like Korn.

Thats a pretty good award. She also wins for “Sexiest Eyes in Rock”

The grammy’s really screw up by not having awesome categories like i come up with. If only someone of importance would hire me. But they don’t. So everyone continues to make fun of the Grammy’s because they suck.

Lacuna Coil

This band is so fucking awesome they don’t need Jonathan Davis’s endorsement. Plus they have a guy “singer” named Andreas who looks a lot like JD. I’m not putting up a special picture of him, because I’m not having a sausage fest here. This one is about CHICK ROCK and the Chicks WHO Rock. Fuckin A. Girl Power. 

 

This band’s male singer really can’t sing very well, but he sounds ok on the album crap. Hear it live and you’re like what the hell is that?? Yup that’s Andreas. But, they also have Cristina Scabbia and that is amazing. She’s a powerhouse of vocals, and lets face it, shes sexy as fuck. In a head to head mud wrestling match versus Amy Lee, she’d probably win, because she’s not a soft american scum. No no, this is another Eurotrash band, and they are from Italy. Which in case you forgot, is also where the mob came from. It’d probably be a close match though, and I could make more money than either band promoting that fight. And we could sell it on paperview for a 100$ a pop and everyone would tune in. You know its true. If you’re a heterosexual female, you’re looking at Cristina and Amy and saying to yourself, “Look, I’m not into chicks or anything.. but I’d do either of those if they asked.” And you’d be so right for doing so. Just video tape and email it to me. You know the addy. 

The good news is, not only is this chick hot, but she rocks. She can headbang harder than you’ve ever seen a chick headbang, she can sing, and its the real deal. She works the crowd, SHE is the real fucking deal. She’s like the Heart of old, before the ferns. And the rest of the band? they’re awesome. These Italians will have you jamming so hard in your car you’ll drive through a mall and think it was a crack in the road. And your car will be invincible with their awesome sounds blasting from their speakers. Even if you drive a Kia. I promise. The Grammy: Hottest Chick in Rock. Also: Best Female Vocalist in a Chick Rock Band.

These cum dumpsters who tell you to turn off your chick rock are retards, and these are also the same fuck heads who can sing every word to “Man I feel like a Woman!” By Shania Twain. Is that wrong though? Oh no, that’s Country and its ok. Well no its not. I don’t feel like a woman when I jam my chick rock, and neither should you, unless of course, you are a woman. Chick Rock is wonderful because realistically, women have more range to their voices, and they have prettier voices. They can make a sad song make even He-Man want to cry. They can make a loud fast song make even a 400 lbs land monster in one of those carts for fat fucks want to stand up and jump up and down till they die. Which is like one or two jumps. Poor fat people. Its not gay listening to chick rock, because look, most of the band are guys. They are playing the instruments, and they have gotten wise to the world, they have found a hot front person to make them get noticed. Is that gay? No, that’s marketing bitch, and its goddamn good marketing. Sex sells, always has. Sexier your singer, better chances of getting noticed. And finally, use the Jonathan Davis line of defense if all else fails. If he likes it, you’d better agree, or he’ll kill you. And then feed your soul to Otep. Next time someone says its gay to listen to  Chick Rock, first play Otep so their balls shrivel up. Then you tell them that listening to a guy sing in really tight pants and no shirt, is.. technically.. much more homosexual than ANY of the mentioned Mistresses of Mayhem!

Long Live Chick Rock!