Dood, turn off your chick rock!

Hey fuck you man! I can listen to whatever the fuck I want to and you can fuck yourself to hell!

Guys don’t like chick rock. I’m not sure why. I’ll explain. Chick Rock… rocks. We’ll get into that though. I have a few quick things to discuss first!

Check it, I made a graphic. I’m not so lazy after all! Ok thats a lie. I’m lazy as hell. If I was not lazy, I’d have a new blog like every other day. But I don’t. So we all deal. I do at least. Time to announce a few things though so lets do this!

My dear Big Brother is considering rejoining the ranks of awesome by reclaiming his old ride from college! A 1967 Jeep Commando! It doesn’t look like this picture you see here, but if he reclaims it, seeing as how he is obsessed with yellow (don’t ask me why) it will ultimately look as awesome as what you see here. So everyone give him a big round of encouragement! YOU CAN DO IT BROTHER!!!

 

On my last blog, I addressed a fellows comments with the hope he would retort. He did not. So it is with a sad heart that I must assume that I have nuked his balls into next century. I’m really kind of bummed about this. I was really hoping he would retort and give me something to get pissy with again. He didn’t. So as an illustration of how his bravery went down. I found an awesome nuke picture. Truth be told, I wanted to post a nuke picture for a while, just never had a good reason. Thanks Mark!

After a recent confession about Ouija Boards, I thought I might let you all in on a secret. You all did one as a kid. Everyone put there hands on it and WOAH OMG ITS MOVING!! ARE YOU MOVING IT?! No, I’m not, are you? NO. OMG WHATS IT GOIN TO SAY.. Ouija spells “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!” NOOOO!! OMG YOU GOTTA BE MOVIN IT! I’m FREAKING OUT!!

That was me, like every other kid on the board. The confession is.. Ghosts were not moving it. I was. it was me all along! HAHAHA and you thought it was super natural! Suckers! I’m sorry, but its true. I loved fucking with everyone when I was a kid (go figure) And Ouija was my first chance. You bought it, because you knew you didn’t move it, and no one fessed up. I’m fessing now. I moved it. Pwnd.

The final announcement is something I wanna bitch about for a second. With my blog I look for pictures to illustrate my points and such, and one of the most frustrating things I’ve come across is while searching google, I see an image I want. I click it, and its like this:

That’s right. its water marked with their personal logo, some gay as message and an advertisement for their fucking webpage.

Nothing pisses me off more than this. I take a great deal of time in preparing my blogs as some of you know, and this is a major deterrant. So to all you dickholes out there who feel the need to psych me out with shit like this.

I hate you. Passionately. With all the fires of hell. The worst part is, I can’t even get proper revenge on you. So go straight to hell. The worst of the worst is, it asks me to PAY to see the image I want. I’m not down with that. At all. cr1ck3e does not pay for SHIT.  Damn them.

That does it for this weeks announcements.

Chick Rock, it rocks, it rolls, and it blows our collective skirts up! You wanna know why, I wanna tell you, so why am it taking so long to get to it? Because I can.

After years of listening to the same old crap that everyone hears on the radio, I started to branch out. With this branching out I discovered different bands from different countries that have different styles of music that you don’t get on the radio often. Some of these chick rock bands have become more mainstream lately, so you might catch a song or two here and there.. but mostly we hear the same repetative shit on the radio followed by some douche bag who talks way to fucking much. I hate that, and so I use ipod. Its my only apple product I own. And it was a gift.

Chick Rock is not a category that can win a Grammy. But it should be. If we were to trace our roots of chick rock, theres a few different people we can name off that we really have to thank for it. I’m only going to focus on one, which I kindly like to refer to as “The Grand Mothers of Chick Rock”

Heart

Heart came out long before you were born and they were the ultimate chick rockers. 2 sisters, both hot. One jammed guitar like it was going out of style and one sang in a way that most women wish they could, and even try to copy on certain shitty ass programs like American Idol. No one can do it like the Heart sisters. They had many hits, most of which you can probably name yourself and even sing along to.

The biggest problem with chicks who rock is, eventually they become classic rock chicks. Heart’s sound stayed the same through out history. One thing did change however, and that was how much money they made. With the influx of revenue, that brought forth something terrible to destroy these hotties of hard rock.

Lunch. Though the years, we can see, the Heart sisters didn’t miss lunch much, and as a consequence, one sister kept growing in size. They kept rocking though, and just got very good at strategically placing ferns on stage to hide Fat Heart. Poor fat sister, it would never be the same for Heart, but they can still rock the house, so bow down and lick the high heals of the Queen Mothers of Hard Rock. These ladies deserve it.

The Grammy is: Life Time Achievement in Chick Rock.

Key elements to any band is the ability to make you bang your head like a maniac, like they’re  Mrs. Feelgood. This is very essential to chicks in rock. The following will make you bang your head, promise.

 

Lets start with.. Hmm.. Eurotrash.

Within Temptation

This band hails from one of my favorite places: The Netherlands. Or Holland. Where the people are Dutch. Their vocalist is a pretty lady named Sharon den Adel. She is chick, and they rock.

They refer to themselves as a Symphonic Rock band, meaning, they have a lot of Orchestral sound that goes along with the headbanging goodness. Sharon’s voice has quite the range. From a girly pitch to a very HIGH pitched sound. Its lovely. She sings alot about having hear heart ripped out, which makes me believe someone along the way really fucked with the emotions of this beautiful headbanging hottie. That makes that person a fucking retard.  Another great thing you find about these eurotrash gothic/symphonic metal/rock bands is, the band.. is all guys and they look like.. well a band. And the lead singer is eye candy in the flesh, and dresses like she knows it. Sharon is a perfect example, but true to rock star status, she has no problem banging her head and belting out glorious tunes.

These are the only Hollanders on the list, and other than legal weed smoking and prostitution, and of course, wooden shoes.. I can think of no other reason to ever pay attention to The Netherlands. The Grammy is: Best Cleavage in Rock No one does it better.. Seriously.

Nightwish

Anyone who is anyone should know who this band is. Anyone who is anyone who knows anyone who is someone like me, knows this band, because I force feed them down the ear hole of everyone I know. This band is a glorious Symphonic Metal band that hails from Finland. They’ve done something really amazing.. and that’s they have had two awesome chick singers. The first singer is of course Tarja Turunen. She is a classically trained opera singer. I admit, this is an acquired taste. Most of the people I introduce to Nightwish prefer the new singer.. but us old time fans still love Tarja, despite the fact that she was a raging bitch that refused to talk to the band, rehearse, be apart of the club, and over all was a total bitch on wheels.

That being said, she was an amazing singer, and the songs that were written for her were gloriously wonderful and she knew just how to belt them like no ones business. Despite her wonderful dresscode of coming on stage in full length evening gowns, and changing 6 times in the course of a show, AND every outfit having a microphone that matched.. oh yes, she is that much of a diva.. this chick could also head bang in a wonderful way.  For the long service done for Nightwish, we thank you Tarja. But now theres a new Sheriff in town, and her name is Anette. She is actually not from Finland like the rest of the band, but rather she is from Sweden. 

So the band kicks that diva bitch to the curb and they decide.. We’re not fucking done yet! Oh HELL no! (despite Tarja thinking she was bigger than the band) They Audition a gajillion applicants for new lead singer and they find this cute Swedish girl, and one things for sure.. She is no Tarja. In fact, her style is so very different from hers  and its astounding. She is more of a Rock edge (though many would say pop) In truth, she  sounds more like our dear Sharon, which makes sense, because Anette idolized Sharon. This brings a whole new sound to Nightwish, and especially to the old Nightwish/Tarja songs. They go on to make one album thus far, and it sells a ton, they did a wicked ass 2 year tour, I saw them, they were glorious.  But how do they fair as Chick Rock? Do they stand up? Hell yes they do! Anette gets out there and she head bangs like the Viking lass she is, and with it, she is not afraid to brandish those devil horns! So Godbless both of these Goddesses of the Goth Rock / Symphonic Metal Genre. No matter who you chose with Nightwish, this Chick Rock Band should not be shut up. Ever. And the Grammy goes for: Best MultiSinger that Both Kick Ass Chick Rock Band! (and Best Opera)

We’ve covered a couple of hard rocking head banging chick rock bands from the Eurolands, lets try our luck with a couple American bands. These will be easier for you to recognize, as our media pollution was able to let them into the mainstream. Don’t ask me how, but we’re lucky they did, because these chick rock bands kick your face into mush! Something else i should tell you. This next band was Endorsed by Korn. Personally invited to join the family values tour. If its good enough for korn, its good enough for you, bitches. 

Flyleaf

Heres a band thats only a couple years old. You see, with the previous groups we’ve talked about, they been around since the mid-late 90’s! Flyleaf actually got their first hit in 2005 with the release of their debut album.  Their sound is heavier at times, but they’ve found the radio to be a friend of theirs, and with a girl like Lacey Mosley belting away at the mic, the essential Chick Rock sound was made. Good news, Lacey is pretty easy on the eyes as well! Sure she’s not Eurotrash, but hey, that just means theres a better chance you’ll see her and her Chick Rock band in concert! Here’s something crazy about the band.. They are from Texas. Now, I was under the impression that there is nothing really good in Texas, but if girls like Lacey can come from there, then there’s hope for the imbred swines down there. Or as a Texan would call them: Garheads. No, I do not know what a garhead is. Sorry. So after making a bit of a name for themselves, Jonathan Davis of Korn personally invites this Chick Rock band to join his fellows on the Family Values tour, and if thats not good enough proof that Chick Rock is kick ass, then you are likely suffering from brain damage you got from being kicked down a fucking flight of stairs.  One thing this chick does do at times ,that you don’t see the other mentioned girls do, is she has a bit of a guttural scream when she needs it. Its awesome. The Grammy is for: Biggest Mouthed Chick in a Chick Rock Band! (seriously.. she looks like she could deep throat that mic. Sexy, no?)

Otep

Speaking of guttural noises, lets talk about Otep. Since the Genre of Chick Rock seems to need only the one prerequisite, then this band is no exception!  

Otep is a much more.. different sound than what the others have. The lead singer, who cleverly calls herself OTEP is a small little petite thing with pretty blonde hair and raging tattoos and piercings.

She also has more balls than you. I’m not fucking joking here, lads.. this chick gets out there and throws down a gutteral scream that will make your testicles shrivel up and die.

She also has very little problem thrashing on stage as she screams her poetic nonsense about the terrible things in life. Seriously, someone fucked with this chick bad. Either that or she just has a really dark twisted imagination. Or both. Probably both. I noticed when looking at pictures, she is an Obama supporter. I’m sure Obama would not approve of her death metal growl that could make a wolf tuck tail and run. And as we all know.. no one fucks with a wolf.

Once, Otep toured with Five Finger Death Punch. Apparently, the general consensus was, she made that lead singer look like a bitch. Not easy to do. So if you’re walking down a dark alley and you see this chick, you’d better bow down, or she’ll devour your soul, chop off your head and spit down your neck. And then you’ll thank her. The Grammy: Baddest Bitch in Rock. All Rock.

Paramore

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve at least heard of Paramore. They’re mainstream and on the radio. They tour and they make bazillianajoids of money, and they are even quite popular.

Every time i hear these folks on the radio I have no choice but to crank it up. Haley knows how to scream and bounce and even bang her head on stage so you cannot escape how totally tubular these guys really are. They are actually, pretty young as well, which is a good thing, because it means our Lady of Paramore will retain her looks for a good many years before the lunches kick in and she has to hide behind a fern on stage.

Now, lets talk about how the interweb and the young age of dear Haley and how it has come to be a torment for her, and a blessing for bastards like myself. You see, one night, Haley was texting yours truly and it happened like this.

*Haley* You know I love you, cr1ck3e.

*cr1ck3e* Of course.

*Haley* Promise not to show another soul?

*cr1ck3e* Yes.

**Incoming MMS**

 

Don’t ask me where things went wrong from there, I really don’t know. But I say, its not that big of a deal, because we guys are always being forcefed seeing rockstars who are ugly dudes with their shirts off brandishing their hard body, and while we gag, the ladies swoon. Why should our lives be deprived as such? They shouldn’t. As we all know, I am a strong believer in equal rights.

So on this night, i was vindicated. Some time later, the rest of the human race was, as poor Haley’s Twitter account was hacked. And the goods were leaked. And the chick rock loving guys in the world were treated to something wonderful. Do you want me to share? Should I? It wouldn’t be right would it? Who said I give a shit about what is really right anyways.

So thats how it went down. Poor lovely Haley showed her chesticles to EVERYONE that night. Though it wasn’t her that showed the twins off. The culprit has not been captured, but that’s because I wear my sunglasses at night, motherfuckers!

No really, i do. Too much light, i get headaches. This also makes me look like a bank robber, and very possibly the creepiest guy at walmart at 2 am. It certainly has made my life difficult.

The Grammy: Best Bare Boobs in Chick Rock. Also spunkiest.

So I’ve covered all I care to cover for now, so good night.

No seriously, its night time, and I don’t sleep, I only nap.. and napping can only successfully be done when something important is happening, like the sun is out.

Evanescene

I don’t even know how to spell that bands name, I have to check the never wrong wikipedia for it. But whatever. I do. Because I’m resourceful. You’re welcome.

So this band came out a few years back and they jumped to emense popularity quickly. This did not come on the thrashing talent by the members of the band, but rather on the beautiful tits physical features of Amy Lee. Not only is this chick smoking hot, but she can also sing like there is no tomorrow. But something tragic happened. She got mixed up with the cock stain bitch from Seether and then they spent the next TOO FUCKING LONG insulting each other and bitching about their past relationship, like they were 3 days grace or stained or something. I’ll tell you one thing I fucking can’t stand. Lima Beans, They are disgusting. But if theres 2 things I can’t stand, the other one is Stained. All that guy does is bitch about how fucked up his life is. Its so rough being a millionaire, you fuckers don’t even understand, but I’ve written 10 fucking albums about how i hate life and my parents and my ex girlfriend so whatever, get the fucking clue.

Realistically ever good band has a nice hateful EX song. I argued this point strongly for a long time, until one person said: What about Tool? I had to think about it for a bit, but I answered in so strong of a retort that the point could not be argued. The song is called Prison Sex.

What?

Anyways, Amy Lee is one sexy chick and you love her with all your soul. Some would call her the Sexiest girl in Rock. Those some would be totally wrong, but I saved that honor for last didn’t I? Oh yes I did precious! Because what would my sexest blog be without saving the Sexiest of all Sexest for last? I’d be like every other douche bag who gives away the goods too soon! No, you have to earn it! I only go 2nd base on a first date.  

Where was I? Oh right, Amy Lee. You love her, I love her. What more is there to say? Can she bang the head? Ask the guy from Seether.. Bahahaha, no really, do it. Should be able to find him int he yellow pages under “WORLDS BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT”

This chick though, she sings, and she rocks. She rocks so hard, she too was endorsed by Jonathan Davis from Korn, and did a nice little duet with him on the Korn Unplugged album. Little song you may have heard called “Freak on a Leash” – And I have gotta say, this version of the song, if you’ve not heard it.. it’ll blow you mind. Wait for when Amy Lee backs away from the microphone to scream FUCK! Its hot. Almost as hot as her. I love a woman who can talk like a sailor, since after all, I am a Pirate. And as we all know, Pirates kill Ninja’s for fun. What does that have to do with anything? EVERYTHING.

Because I’m the mom that’s why!!!

Amy Lee was honorable mention for hottest chick in rock, and so I have to give her.. something.

The Grammy: Highest Success in Chick Rock going Mainstream and getting Endorsed by a badass band like Korn.

Thats a pretty good award. She also wins for “Sexiest Eyes in Rock”

The grammy’s really screw up by not having awesome categories like i come up with. If only someone of importance would hire me. But they don’t. So everyone continues to make fun of the Grammy’s because they suck.

Lacuna Coil

This band is so fucking awesome they don’t need Jonathan Davis’s endorsement. Plus they have a guy “singer” named Andreas who looks a lot like JD. I’m not putting up a special picture of him, because I’m not having a sausage fest here. This one is about CHICK ROCK and the Chicks WHO Rock. Fuckin A. Girl Power. 

 

This band’s male singer really can’t sing very well, but he sounds ok on the album crap. Hear it live and you’re like what the hell is that?? Yup that’s Andreas. But, they also have Cristina Scabbia and that is amazing. She’s a powerhouse of vocals, and lets face it, shes sexy as fuck. In a head to head mud wrestling match versus Amy Lee, she’d probably win, because she’s not a soft american scum. No no, this is another Eurotrash band, and they are from Italy. Which in case you forgot, is also where the mob came from. It’d probably be a close match though, and I could make more money than either band promoting that fight. And we could sell it on paperview for a 100$ a pop and everyone would tune in. You know its true. If you’re a heterosexual female, you’re looking at Cristina and Amy and saying to yourself, “Look, I’m not into chicks or anything.. but I’d do either of those if they asked.” And you’d be so right for doing so. Just video tape and email it to me. You know the addy. 

The good news is, not only is this chick hot, but she rocks. She can headbang harder than you’ve ever seen a chick headbang, she can sing, and its the real deal. She works the crowd, SHE is the real fucking deal. She’s like the Heart of old, before the ferns. And the rest of the band? they’re awesome. These Italians will have you jamming so hard in your car you’ll drive through a mall and think it was a crack in the road. And your car will be invincible with their awesome sounds blasting from their speakers. Even if you drive a Kia. I promise. The Grammy: Hottest Chick in Rock. Also: Best Female Vocalist in a Chick Rock Band.

These cum dumpsters who tell you to turn off your chick rock are retards, and these are also the same fuck heads who can sing every word to “Man I feel like a Woman!” By Shania Twain. Is that wrong though? Oh no, that’s Country and its ok. Well no its not. I don’t feel like a woman when I jam my chick rock, and neither should you, unless of course, you are a woman. Chick Rock is wonderful because realistically, women have more range to their voices, and they have prettier voices. They can make a sad song make even He-Man want to cry. They can make a loud fast song make even a 400 lbs land monster in one of those carts for fat fucks want to stand up and jump up and down till they die. Which is like one or two jumps. Poor fat people. Its not gay listening to chick rock, because look, most of the band are guys. They are playing the instruments, and they have gotten wise to the world, they have found a hot front person to make them get noticed. Is that gay? No, that’s marketing bitch, and its goddamn good marketing. Sex sells, always has. Sexier your singer, better chances of getting noticed. And finally, use the Jonathan Davis line of defense if all else fails. If he likes it, you’d better agree, or he’ll kill you. And then feed your soul to Otep. Next time someone says its gay to listen to  Chick Rock, first play Otep so their balls shrivel up. Then you tell them that listening to a guy sing in really tight pants and no shirt, is.. technically.. much more homosexual than ANY of the mentioned Mistresses of Mayhem!

Long Live Chick Rock!