Top 10 Best Video Games. Ever.

Its been a while since I posted a top ten list. So why wait? Grab a snickers and lets get started, bitches!

Video games. If you’re between the ages ANY age and ANY age, you have played video games. They are an important part of life, and if you have ignored that part of life, you really do have something quite very much really wrong with you. I myself am an expert when it comes to video games. Lets find out why!

Lets see.. I am an american male, that means playing video games is engrained into my genetic code. There’s nothing any of us can do. We’re born with it. When I was 5 days old, I beat Pitfall for the first time on my Atari. Thats right, God Bless America and the male species for making the second most perfect video game players on earth. I say second for a reason. Japan will always kick our asses. There’s nothing any of us can do.

So let's dive in and face the truth. I could easily say this is the top ten best Nintendo games, or Sega, or Playstation, or Xbox, or PC, or Mac.. Ok so thats a lie, we can’t say Mac because as we all know, Mac sucks for video games. Make no mistake, I do own an ipod. 2 of them. But as for computer action, theres just not games for it. Besides the point. We will combine all of these platforms today, and we’ll add them together and see who is on top!

Ready?!

Then we’ll begin our descent into hell! The mixture of these games I should add, is not of any particular genre. Sports, racing, adventure.. everyone’s here to get their ass praised for gloriousness! And now, the nominiees are:

Number ten is no weak feat. Remember there are a gajillion and three video games out there. So be proud number 10. Crazy Taxi.

This game featured you as an insane pilot of a badass taxi cab. It inspired all of us to do two distinct things with out lives.

• Buy a Sega Dreamcast
• Become a taxi driver

The sad news is, I could not buy a sega for any reason, even for this game. The even sadder news is, my name is cr1ck3e, not Mohammud, and therefore i could never become a taxi driver. Also, I have no sense of direction. In this game, you’d go about with your cab fairs and try to get them places as quickly as possible, taking as many flying short cuts as possible, even if you destroyed a hotdog stand in the process. All the while, trying to avoid pissing off the customer so bad they took a digger out the door, tuck and roll style. And of course, to make as much money as possible. This game really had no way of “winning” so to speak, so it was mindless and fun. most people would get really high and then play this game and laugh their ass off. Maybe this is why we never beat it? The downside to this game was it was on a sega machine. But later down the road, it was released for nintendo gamecube which saved sega’s ass. It took them years, but they finally bowed down to the man.

Coming in a place slightly better than our last game, we find an adventure game that was probably one of the most hilarious concepts ever: Earthworm Jim.

Meet Jim. He is a worm in a power suit and he has a gun. Do you see how this game starts off hilariously? You can shoot your gun, or the suit will pull your worm body out and use it as a whip. Either way, your goal is to save Princess Whats-her-butt. The first thing you do int his game is launch a cow off into space. You laugh, and you think, wtf was that for? Then, when you beat the game, said cow comes flying back down to the ground only to crush the princess after you’ve saved her. Thats irony. Its also fantastical. The creaters of this game were definitely on some awesome drugs when they thought it up, but who cares? You were like 12 and you didn’t know any better for another year or so. The graphics were some of the best on the SNES, and it was an enjoyable and sometimes challenging game all the way through.

Coming in here we have a game that was not created by seriously drugged up people. A traditional sports game, on an oldschool platform. Tecmo Superbowl. I think in the grand scheme of things, I probably wasted 3 years of my childhood on this game. The amazing thing was, when you were in trouble and in danger of losing that game, all you had to do was toss the ball to Bo Jackson. That’s right, in a world of amature athletes there are few Bo Jackson’s out there. This guy you could pitch the ball to and make him zig zag for an entire game and win every game by one touchdown every fucking game. This also ranks as the top sports game in general, even more so football games ever. And it was the NES, beat that bitches! I know what you’re saying, how can this be better than Madden?! Easy, it was the predecessor of Madden. Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo. And life was better that way. Anymore these games have just gotten over done over the years. Now, I’m not saying I’d go back and play this game again, but damn it was fun when I was 11.

This particular game comes to us from a series of games that have been great since the first time they ever touched your TV. From the first time you ever played one of these games, you knew they were just fucking rad. How do you pick one of them to be the best and come in at the prestigeous place of number seven? I did eeneemeeneemiiineemo. It worked out great.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Again, its hard to pick the best Zelda game of the bunch, and considering I myself have only beat two hole Zelda games ever, this one wasn’t one of them. But this took us to a whole new form of Zelda. Riding a horse, moving around across a huge vast world, ahh, this was a modern era in video gaming. It also went away from that weird overhead look like Link to the Past had. It was a pretty fucking sweet storyline too, travelling in time. Adding SciFi into fantasy is always a way to get the nerds excited. Here’s the downside to Zelda. It always ends the same. You beat Gannondorf, you save the Princess, and what do you get? DICK! No kiss from the chick, no loving. No nookie. FUCKIN NOTHING! Thats bullshit. If I were Link and I didn’t even get to see Zelda’s boobs out of the deal, I think I’d take that big badass sword and stick her with it. Bitch. She’s kinda snotty too. Link Link! Help me so you can get no nookie or money or prestige! SAVE THE DAY, SAVE THE WORLD ALL FOR.. nothing. I’m sitting there in my house in the village and I get this message. Umm hey, fuck off I think i’m gonna have a beer, slap my horse, and then go find the village whore to have a good night with. i don’t need to risk my life for nothing, bitch! Maybe thats just me?

Ok, I’m tired of talking about Nintendo games, lets branch out. As we all know, Bill Gates is trying to take over the entire universe and you are not safe with your video games either. Enter, Xbox. Xbox 360. Bill Gates OWNS YOUR SOUL! And this game is the best one fo the bunch. And because of what it is, you’ll also see that it is the best racing game in the history of the world. Duh, its Need for Speed. Its also Most Wanted. Funniest thing I just said with all that crap.. The picture I have is from playstation 2. Since I only played it on Xbox though.. screw the PS2 version. However, that being said- This was the only picture I could find of the cover. Deal. This game is STILL fucking awesome. You get to drive all these sick ass cars and fly across town. Then when you do too much, you get chased by the cops. But fuck them chasing you, fucking ram them!! That presents a problem for some cars, but others demolish the fuck outta cops. Theres this hot chick named Mia who is guiding you through this game, but just like a typical woman, she betrays you in the end. Here’s the real pisser of the game.. the whole point of this game is to win back your BMW. K- win back that BMW. In the process you start off driving fuckin Chevy Cobalt. Yup easy to understand.. who woudl take that over a beemer. But throughout the game you end up with much better cars than a fucking bmw. Theres Porsche’s, and Lambo’s. There’s no Ferrari’s, but theres an Astin Martain. (which sucked.) If I’m cruising around in a Lambo, I could fuckin care less about a BMW, but maybe that’s just me? And regardless of what Rai says… The best car in the game was totally my Lotus Elise in dark green. (Sorry rai, I had to) He hated that car.. dunno why? Anywho, so yes, this game rules. You get to race, you get to run from the cops, you cruise through town at 200+ MPH and you take short cuts through the golf course. For lesser people, this is a great fantasy.. for me, I call it Wednesday. Seriously.

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!! or how about.. FIVE GOLDEN EYES! That’s right, we’re back at Nintendo. What can you say? They’ve been making games longer than Moses was alive. In fact, did you know Moses was addicted to Duck Hunt? Seriously, how do you think the Egyptian’s couldn’t beat him? Cheat codes. So anyways, Bond. Golden Eye. It was fucking fantastic. The summer after I graduated high school I think i murdered 98% of my brain cells on this game. I’m still reeling from the effects of said summer, but wow what a ride! So the game itself was ground breaking. I learned something when I was preparing this blog.. its a very good thing I make my pictures so small because quite honestly, looking back at it, I remember it being WAY cooler than it looks now. But whatever the fuck, who cares, thsi game still kicked ass. Battle mode was totally rad, running around with machine guns in paint ball mode killing the fuck out of each other? What could be better? NOTHING BITCH! If theres one thing I love in life, its cookies. If there’s another thing I love a shit load its shooting my friends in the face with guns. I guess this is why people really don’t like me much. Hum. What a pisser. Moving on. It was cool. I spent so much shooting and exploding my mates that we got creative and started to kill each other execution style. Which is kinda chickenshit but whatever. I blame the Russian’s.

We’re gonna move away from consoles with this one. Are you surprised? You should be, because despite my unruly raping of Apple computers before, this game, I’m pretty sure you could actually get on an iComp0otR. Ha-ha! You Apple fans are feeling redeemed! This game is on Apples because its made by Blizzard Entertainment, its on ishit. It is DIABLO. Not Diablo 2. That game was just like Diablo 1, and it took them way too long to make it and that puts them in the bottom feeders of games. Diablo 1 however was fucking epic. It was a fellow who descended into hell to face Diablo in epic combat!! There were skeletons, there were demons, there was BLOOD AND THERE WAS MOTHERFUCKIN GORE! What is better than shooting your friends in the face with an RCP120? Chopping them apart with a big ass sword. That works perfect for this game if your friends are demons from hell. Like me. All my friends are from hell. This is why I hack apart everyone I can find. Also because they are invading my privacy in my cave and I don’t like that. I told you before, I do not tollerate invaders. So anyways, you get fuckin rad armour, a big ass sword, or axe or something, and you destroy the evil in the world. And in Hell. Awesome. This game was released sometime around my 14th birthday and I played it solid for a few years. I can remember the emmersion into this game as I would turn off the lights, turn up the volume and listen to the evil sounds around me as I destroyed them all. Fantastical.

We’ve reached the famed TOP 3! Its an honor to make any top ten list I’ve put out, even if its one insulting you. Why? Because I thought about you enough to write about you. And you, the readers, read it, and therefore honor them in return. But who gives a shit about the rest of them. Today we’re here for video games goddamn it. And now we go to the importants. I’m proud to say that these games are all each from a different system too! Ohh the anticipation is killing me, so lets get on with it already, self!

Square Enix makes this game. Its awesome. Like Zelda, there' have been a trazillionoid of them out there, but this one was clearly the best one ever. There’s no denying its ultimate badassness, and kudo’s go to the people of Sony for capitalizing that shit on their Playstation system. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll say it anyways.. Final Fantasy 7.

This game is an RPG, therefore it ranks as the best RPG ever made. Period. This game was awesome for many reasons. First off, at the time, the graphics were stunning. I remember how excellent they were in my head. Then I googled. As it turns out, man those graphics look like shit to todays standards, but who cares? My memory remembers the awesomeness they were. Another thing, it was like what, 3 disks long on your PS1? Man that was a long game. So we have graphics, and the game play was fun too. But then there was the real kicker, this game had the greatest most fucked up story line I think I’ve ever seen in a game, movie, or story book. Granted I’ve not been reading for all that long, but I’m working on it. The story was definitely more interesting and twisted with more shocks than stupid Twilight. You have the main character who, admittantly has a gay name. Cloud. Cloud is a hired mercenary to blow a building. he does it, but then he joins the cause! You find out he was ins SOLDIER which is why he is such a badass. Ahh then he meets a girl from his past. Love is blossoming? Only for her. Poor Tifa wants Cloud bad, but he just doesnt see it because like most guys hes a retard. Then he meets the love of his life, oh and she is hot. But then he finds out shes some kind of mystical person, and Elder! WOW! This is hot love. THEN you find out that he was never really in SOLDIER, and he’s not even real. He’s a clone. How awesome. A clone of his old mentor, Sephiroth. Sephiroth is a total badass who, at the end of 20+ hours of playing, and finally reaching the end of disk one, KILLS YOUR CHICK! Just as you find her. Cock sucker. This makes him super evil. Insuing twists and turns take place over the next two disks and then you finally reach the epic last battle. If you’re me, you tried for weeks to beat Sephiroth, and when you got close he’d pull some meteor move out on you and kill you and your whole party, and unfortunately, you never beat the game. But you had a buddy who could, so he beat it for you so you could see the end. Thats right, its like cheat codes, and its unfulfilling and a total let down. If I were japanese I could have done it. But I’m not, mores the pitty. This game was so wonderful though that everyone wanted a sequal.. When FF8 came out and it wasn’t any of the characters we wanted, it sucked ass. So they fixed it later on though, they made a movie, FF7: Advent Children. I love that movie too. It was totally cool, go buy it now. In fact, I think I’m going to buy it on bluray, because that’d just make my heart pitter patter even harder.

We’re going back to the most feature gaming system on this top ten list, and that of course is Nintendo. How can you ever deny Nintendo as the king of all gaming systems. With exception of maybe the GameCube. I mean, it was an ok system but really, could have been so good, just wasn’t that great. Anyways, thats besides the point, because lets face the truth, I can talk as much shit as I want about the cube, but i used mine till it broke. Then i waited, and got a wii. So whatever.. But this game is obviously the greatest of its long long franchise. Through out this list i know you’ve been thinking, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARIO!? Well he’s right here folks, at number two. Super Mario Brothers 3.

How did I reach this decision? Easy, this game I played so much I actually melted my left eye doing it. Of all the Mario’s this one was the first to impliment that awesome map system that’s been used ever since. It also had Luigi. If theres one thing thats gone wrong with mario in recent years, its the loss of Luigi in the Mario franchise games. Then there were Bowser’s kids fucking up the game, giving more story line to these plumber based games. Also there was that awesome racoon’s tail that made you fly! FLYING RULES! Now lets compare. Mario 1, the orignal. Awesome. Epic, grand!!! So amazing, and how do you top the original? Well it wasn’t with Mario 2. That game was weird, it didn’t make sense, it didn’t have any of the typical bad guys, but it did have mouser. That big ass mouse who worse sunglasses. I know you remember.

Mario 3 took us back to a familiar land, baddies, and adventure. Fuck Dream World! Its time to smash some turtles and goombas. Fuck that Koopa bastard, always kidnapping your chick! You know, Princess Toadstool is a problematic bitch. She’s always being kidnapped by Bowser, and this shits been going on for 23 years now. You’d think by now she’d have better security, or maybe Mario would be tired of having to save her all the fucking time and would just GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND. But, in his defense, if I was dating royalty, I’d not ditch the bitch either. No matter how many times you have to save her stupid ass.

But there was Mario World, sure that had cooler graphics and yoshi, but it was later. There was Mario 64 which gave us a 3d orgasmic enviroment, but no, NOTHING could ever top Mario 3. It was the basis for the games to come, it was the king of its time. And it was on an 8 bit system and looked superb. Also, since I know you had the original NES, you know that most games didnt work. you blew on the cartridges, you had a typical pattern of slapping the NES its self that made it work better. You had a green crayon or your sisters barbie head that you stuffed on top of the game to make it work consistantly. But the truth is, Mario 3 always worked, it NEVER failed. That made it the king! Long live the king of a system, a franchise, and a generation!

We’ve reached it. Drum roll please…

The greatest video game of all time. Its a pretty big feat. What makes a game so great that it gets the title of The Best Video Game of All Time in the History of the World. x 2. Well, lets announce it first and then we’ll explore WHY!

Starcraft. Thats right, no matter how much I ripped on Apple computers, this game was also made by Blizzard and therefore was on the ikickyoasscr1ck3ecomputer! totally pwnd. But whatever the fuck, I knew it was coming, I swear. I did it on purpose.. yeah. Dramatic emphasis. Take that, SURPIRSE! This game IS the greatest game of all time. Lets talk about why. First off, this a RTS game. You start off with 4 idiots who can’t kill a meerkat, and they mine shit and from there you build a badass army which will likely be destroy ten times in your quest for total domination of the map!! This game was like Starship Troopers the game. Killing bugs. Theres hardly anything thats more satisfying.. Unless you were totally insane and liked BEING the bugs and killing people!! Buwahaha! And you could play it online. I found after a while I was fairly good at this game, and would play it online. Well, people stopped like playing against me becasue I would destroy them. So like the heathen devil pagan I am, I changed my name online to Hitler. This was always inspiring for some poor sap to try and take me on. Here’s how great the game is.. It was made in like 97… The last time I played it was like.. January of this year. Admittedly I’ve been on video game hiatus since.. January.. ish. So, thats why writing this now is pure poetry. So, this is a game thats 13 years old and its STILL fun to play! Beat that! A great game is one that can defy time. And only the best game of all time in the history of the world can defy that much time! This is a game where you can still gather your friends and build an army to destroy their puny skills against you, thus making you the greatest nerd of al time!!! Who cares if someone calls you a nerd though, because if you have any experience with these games, you already know that if someone insults you by calling you a nerd or whatever, from Diablo you learned how to flay apart your enemies mercilessly. If you played Goldeneye, you’ll know exactly how to shoot them in the face and not miss! And if many people call you a nerd, you know how to strategicly defeat them in an epic battle of conquest thanks to the greatest game of all time.

So there you have it. There are some honorable mentions that i should put in to end it. As I’ve said before, until you sit, think, and write a top ten list, you never really realize just how few numbers there are in 1 through 10. Ahh well.

Honorable Mention

• Space Invaders – Atari
• Tetris – Nintendo
• Excitebike – Nintendo
• Doom – PC
• Pac Man (cmon, man)
• Destroy All Humans – Lots of Systems
• Conker’s Bad Furr Day – N64
• Mario Kart(s)

That’s a pretty intense list. Question’s? Comments? Send them to me, maybe I can do a sweet assYup, I made that graphic and have never used it so I figured it was time. Thank you.

Your Kid is Fucked.

Your kid is fucked, you don’t know why. All you know is, something, somewhere along the way- went wrong. You can’t place it, you’re a good parent. Things seemed so normal and natural and then one day, they started to paint their face and cry about everything. Or perhaps they got violent. Or simply they turned into an asshole. You credit puberty for it, but the truth is, you fucked them up long long ago. And here is how you did it: Winnie the Pooh.

That’s right friends, Winnie is the cause for many problems among young people, and it stems from way back when. We’ll discuss how, but first its time for…

I was born at a very early age. I watched the same crap on tv as you did growing up, and likely the same crap your kids have. I realized at the ripe age of way younger than today, that Poohbear was evil, and would show me bad habits. My brain was infused at such a young age, it was then I knew I was destined for greater things. But first, how to stop peeing the bed. After a few years, I realized I had no chance of stopping the bed wetting, so I just started to blog. So because of my insane amounts of knowledge from and insanely young age, and my ability to do a pee dance to this day.. That therefore makes me once again, and expert.

Now lets get to it. The Truth. Pooh has taught us all so many bad character traits you can’t even talk about it without truly breaking it down with science, and so thats what we’ll do today. Science to save you all and keep your kids from being totally fucked in the face.

Since I care, I don’t want to see you hate your children for all time, so like biology class had you do, lets disect this mothafucka before too much time passes, and then there will be no hope for the fruit of your loins. Ready?

Winnie the Pooh.

Well lets see, what kind of bad habits could Pooh teach us? he is cuddley, loving, friendly and an all around great friend. That is a fucking lie. Let’s start with his obsession for honey, which is pure fat goo mixed with sugar. Also its made by bees, probably using their spermies. That makes it gross. But the worst part is, kids see thsi fat ass bear eating all the goddamned time and they think, HEY! I WANNA EAT TOO!!!! Thats right, Pooh has taught your children obesity. Also, he has bad table manners, since he always eats with his hands; therefore- he is a fatass and a slob. UPS has a slogan, what can brown do for you? Who gives a fuck really, in relation though, I have come up with, What can Pooh do for you? You read it and you’re like, yeah ok what? Say it out LOUD. See, its a hidden joke, you didn’t even know it. I bet you laughed when you said Poo. don’t lie to me.. I don’t appreciate it. Now admit the truth. Thank you. Moving on. What can Pooh do for you? He can teach you bad manners and how to be a lard ass. I like to call it: The Pooh Effect. I should give you a warning, the next image is a disturbing proof of the Pooh Effect. Observe.

Now you are privy to the Pooh effect. See how this guy is terrible for the youth of america? its god awful, and you damn well better be realizing it. Besides all we’ve discussed, lets talk about something even more disturbing. Its called, he’s a mother fucking bear. Thats right, a bear. Observe how cute they really are, especially when they want your Beecum. Honey. When they want your honey. The funny thing is about Pooh, he always wanted honey, not everyone had it to give or they made him look. If a bear walked up to me and was like GIMME YO WALLET!! I would give it. If it said GIMME YO HONEY! i’d be all, do some chores and earn it bitch! Then my ass would be mother fucking lunch. Fuck that, I’d rather lose a pot of honey than a limb. I use my limbs. They help me stay mobile in my cave.

Pigglet.

What could be so wrong with Pigglet you ask? He’s a silly little guy who just loves. or is it, silly little girl? I’m not really sure.. are you? Are you really? Of course you’re not.. how could you be? The funny thing about Pooh is that no one ever explained Pigglet. Therefore this means Pigglet itself is confused and at the same time.. is in constant state of sexual identity crisis.

Therefore, it has this crisis, but it doesn’t really matter because regardless of what it is, it is in love with the bear. The bear is in return in love with the pig because in the end if he hangs long enough, that pig will be a tastey snack. That is, in truth, one of the main reasons Pew is always around Pig. Also, because of Pigglets undying love for Pooh, he willfully deals out blow jobs on a regular basis. You can bet on it.

The real pigglet is much cuter though, when you look at this picture on the left. Don’t you agree? What? So how was it, someone who came up with this fucked up Pooh bullshit, they thought a fucking pig would be cute. The facts are simple. He’s not cute, he’s not smart. Also, he’s a wimp. He will teach your kids to not only become homosexuals, but not strong homosexuals. If a girl wants to be like Pigglet, she’ll become a lesbien, but a lipstick one, there’s no way she can be a Bull Dyke like Ellen. She’s too much of a weakling wimp. So, to wrap it up: Sexual Identity Crisis, homosexual (likely), and a wimp to boot. This is the kind of character you want your kids watching on TV? I didn’t think so.

Owl.

Owl is the brain of the hundred acre woods. If there’s a problem, everyone goes to him. Therefore he is the Einstien of the woods. This makes him a know it all, and kind of a pretentious jerk.

Thats right ladies and germs, owl is a smartass. But he doesn’t just give the straight answer like he knows it, when there is a question presented to him. Oh no, he must lecture for 53453 minutes taking a yes or no question and making into a disertation on world peace. What an ass. This is not the kind of trait you want your children to have installed in them. Sure, its good to have a brain in your noggin, and better to know how to use it, but if you’re a dick about it it, and you’re mostly brain, like Owl, you’re bound to get your ass kicked. So what Owl does for your children is two fold, he teaches them to use their heads and be smart, and then, by continuing to follow in his example, he teaches your children the number one way to get their ass kicked.

The fact of the matter is, owls are not wise. This is a common misconception, thanks to Pooland. Owls are actually predators, and badasses. They hunt smaller prey, they don’t eat worms. Hell no, they eat bigger animals, like rabbits. So naturally, Rabbit and Owl should not get along, since Rabbit is mearly dinner to him. The truth of the matter is, real owls are much cooler than the cartoon ones. But again, is this the kind of example you want set for your children? Remember Ted Bundy was a predator too.

Rabbit.

Since we just discussed how Rabbit and Owl can never be friends, it only makes sense that here now we will speak of Rabbit. Rabbit is an interesting character and despite what anyone says, he is not a role model.

Face the facts, friends.. Rabbit is an asshole. He’s a hard worker, always working on his garden and what not, so sure he teaches work ethic, but he also teaches children to become workaholics, which is not necessarily a good thing. I am no advocate for laziness.. All I’m saying is, if you' spend all your time working, you miss out on the real enjoyment of life, just like that asshole Rabbit. Rabbit is also smart but he never has time to explain answers to poor stupid Pooh. A conversation realistically between them goes like this. "Hey Rabbit, I have a question for you..” Says the Pooh. “Oh yah? Because I don’t look like I’m busy or anything you fat fuck!!” Responds Rabbit. Pooh replies, “My question for you, Rabbit, is.. Do you know where I can find honey?” Furious, steam coming from his massive ears, Rabbit says, “GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OVERWEIGHT 9000 LBS LAND MONSTER! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!” This does not make him cool, he makes him a fuckstick.

Here we have a real rabbit. Real rabbits are good for one thing: Becoming street pizza. I once ripped off the bumper of a car on Christmas eve by plowing and mowing down a rabbit. You have a misconception, you’re thinking of cute cuddley little bunnies. If that were the case, he’d be named Bunny. He’s not, he’s Rabbit. Furthermore, real rabbits are not cute, or even hard workers. They are scavengers and worthless. Again, is this a role model for your kids? No. It is not. And yet you have continued to subject your poor unknowing kids to these fellows. But you’ll see it gets much worse. MUCH worse. Are you ready for worse?

Kanga and Roo.

Clever to take two kangaroo’s and split the names in two to make two characters from it. BRILLIANT! Also a total lack of imagination as you think of all this. How come Poo has a name, even if its after fecal matter, and the rest are just named some derivative of their species? Who cares. Kanga and Roo are just weird.

First off we have Kanga. She is wise and motherly and she encourages learning for her bitch kid Roo. Of coruse she’s motherly.. shes a mother. She’s also a lesser character in these stories because she’s probably a choosey mom who chose Jif. Bitch. Roo is a bastard trouble maker. He likes to bounce around with Tigger, and as we all know, Tigger is a mischief maker. But Roo doesn’t really know how to be a cool mischief maker, so he’s in training. This makes him like that really annoying kid from Star Wars Episode 1. WOAH! THIS IS POD RACING! This also makes me hate him with the heat of a nuclear blast.

I say wtf, mate? When it comes to kangaroos. They are really nothing more than over sized hopping rats. As we’ve all learned by now, rats are evil little creatures who carry disease and plague.. Can eat your face, and kill you with their pooh. Notice, there are no characters in this story named Rat? Why not? Because they have fooled you all by having a KangaRoo mixture instead. Not only are they oversized rats who hop, but they also are just weird fucking creatures. They carry their kids around in a built in apron on their front. That’s not cool, its not neat.. its gross. Imagine the weening process involved for them. It is likely that Kanga and Roo have a very gross Freudian relationship. If you know anything of Freud, you know what I’m talking about here. if you don’t know Freud then I suggest you send your letters to:

Tigger.

It seems if you were to ask people on the street who their favorite character from this fucked up cartoon is, 8.4 of them would say Tigger. Why? Tigger is bouncy, flouncy, rouncy, douncy, fun fun fun fun fun! The wonderful wonderful thing about tigger’s is he’s the only one! Fuck Tigger. i wish he’d take a bounce down a flight of stairs and end up with a broken neck. And for good reason. He is probably the worst character on this show.. he’s horrible for your children to see, and they love him. Let’s face the truth, and you can understand why.

Tigger is a fucking meth addict. Its true, think about it. Unlike Pooh who is always looking for food, you never see Tigger eat. Why? Tweaker. Crack Diet. You call it what you like. he can’t sit still and when he puts his mind to use for 4 seconds, he comes up with some kind of mischief to make. Also he is a bad influence on Roo because he is constantly having him tag along to be a scapegoat. So here we have a drug addict trouble maker for you kids to follow in his footesteps. What were you thinking when you decided it was good to sit their asses down in front of a TV set to watch this show?

Tigger always talks about playing. This makes him a slacker as well. He has no job, no work ethic. He is not cool, not like a real tigger. Or maybe you call them a tiger. I do. Tigers are the baddest fucking creatures that were ever put on this earth. They do not bounce around and say “Ho-hoo-ho-hoo!” They do not do meth, they are stone cold killers. Now despite them being the coolest cats to walk the face of the planet.. do you really want your kids to turn into stone cold killers? If you do, you’re really much cooler parents than you give yourself credit for.

So final analysis of everyones favorite? Stone cold killer cat meets methlab or as I would call it, Tigger’s Kitchen.. This is what you get. Watch away kiddos, you’re learning how to become great recipiants of Obama care. And Wellfare. And how to get your very own Parole Officer!! SCORE!

Eyore.

Eyore is a fuckin donkey who hates life. This makes me hate him the most. I get so sick of bitching, as you may remember from my words on Bellabitch from Twilight. If there is one thing I can’t stand, its greenbeans. If there’s another thing I can’t stand, its bitchiness. This is why I am not very good with women. That’s besides the point.

So Eyore walks aound weeping like a five year old who just had her dolly beheaded, her kitten stepped on, and all her crayons broken in half by me. Often times he can be seen with a rain cloud over his head. That’s hilarious. Its also very sad too, because it is the birthplace of a race of children who I hate so badly I’d like to see them all executed. Emo. That’s right, Eyore is the godfather of Emo. Notice how closely the names sound? This is factual proof you cannot deny. Look at this picture Eyore, and then compare it to this picture of Emo. Notice how close these two look? Here we have a character who is emo and bipolar as well. This does not teach kids its ok to be different, it teaches them its ok to bitch constantly, hate life, and assume the world hates them too. Heres the bad news kids, one day you’ll grow out of being emo and then you’ll find out that the world REALLY DOES HATE YOU! Theres a parade waiting to stampede your ass over and stomp your into hamburger and I’m the fucking leader with the twirling batton.

Real donkeys are much more entertaining. They goofy as hell looking, and they are stubourn. Also they look really quite silly. You see? They are also fond of kicking people, that is pretty funny, but at the same time, so dangerous, I myself will never be seen near a donkey. Again we see perfectly the kind of role models your kids should have. A cartoon based off of an animal that is an asshole, but in the cartoon is nice, but emo. No matter how you look at it, this is a very bad character for your kids to look up to you and what to be like. The worst part is, they do look up to Eyore, and want to be like him, and they are setting themselves up for a failure of epic preportions, so big not any force of nature can stop it. Once again you can see how you’ve poisoned your kids from an early age. Sorry.

Christopher Robin.

Christopher Robin is the ring leader of this Circus of Doom! It would seem he is the one who has dreamed up this alternate reality where wild beast who would sooner kill his ass than look at him.

I myself have recently been compared to Christopher Robin, and in light of that revelation, I think I shall portray him in that light, and not the light of a loner kid who has no friends so he must rely on his imagination to have friends. No, the revelation is that Christopher Robin views the whole world as his playground which he creates, and somehow that is like me. I can see the coralation to a point, but I think it is more so that he is like Adolf Hitler. CR is Adolf as a boy. Adolf likely had many imaginary friends.. in truth, from watching the history channel we already know what kind of fantasitcal imagination Hitler had. but look at that pose of him saluting his troops SIEG HEIL!

CR is inherantly evil though, since he is just a young, mustache-less version of one of the greatest tyrants the world has ever known. Since he is a brain child who thought all this crap up, this makes him responsible for the hundred acre woods holocaust too. What an asshole.The good news is, if you wanted to take them all out, you’d not have to pick them off one by one.. Oh no, if you cut off the head, the snake will die. So, in order to end this horrible reign of terror by these bad influences on your kids, you need only raise up and finish Christopher Robin. Thats the only way.

So now, in light of everything we have discussed, you can see clearly as to how Winnie the Pooh and gang are bad for your kids. Save them before its too late. Remember what can happen to them if they watch it. The could be come:

• Fat


• Over weight


• Gay


• Sexual Identity Crisis Plagued


• Assholes


• Pretentious


• Overly Smart


• Weird


• A hopping Rat


• A Smart Ass


• Workaholics


• Meth Addicts


• Depressed


• Emo


• Trouble Makers


• Minced Meat


• Evil Dictators of German

As you can see, there are no good things to be learned from Winnie the Pooh and friends. Save your kids now, the world implores you! I implore you. The Truth implores you. Only you have the power to make these changes and save lives. Make it happen!

Thank you.