Superheroes!

Todays topic comes from a letter from a loyal fan. I shall share the letter with you now:

Dear cr1ck3e,

Write about Superheroes, you fucker!

Sincerely,

I Live in a Desolate Place

Dear Desolation-Dweller,

ok.

-the critic

It seems to me that the most popular fab in Hollywood these days is without a doubt Superheroes.. This is not a new trend, every few years they get “rebooted” even though the last reboot wasn’t all that great. Except for Aquaman, and you have South Park to thank for that one, because of the “Sea-Man” reference. Thank you South Park, you’ve saved us from another mindless superhero movie which, for the most part, usually kick ass. Lets face it, regardless of your age, race, or creed, you were raised on superheroes- whether they came from the comic books, cartoons, or movies.. superheroes are, always have been, and always will be the shit. Therefore, today, we will discuss the many faces of Hollywood Superheroes! But first..

You might be asking yourself, how will the pirate formally known as cr1ck3e an expert on the subject of superheroes? Next thing we know he’s going to tell us he is from another planet, faster than a speeding bullet, rich, and has neat gizmos to fight crime with.

You would be wrong.

I am not rich, nor powerful, or have cool gizmos. But I did know a guy once who.. well never mind. I am proficient at understanding superheroes though and have taken the time to dissect a choice couple, and through strenuous research and development, have found myself as a learned expert on the subject. My thanks to the nerds around the world who have written on Wikipedia to make me look smart, and to Hollywood- without you, no education could be complete.

Superman

Superman has had many faces. He is the man of steel and the bravest alien that looks like an American hero you’ve ever seen! Superman has one weakness: kryptonite. This is a rock which has been a few different colors throughout the story of Superman, but its most popular color is green. So here you have a guy you can shoot a bullet at and it’ll bounce off of him and he’ll call you a bitch, but you throw this green rock at him and he’s DEAD AS FUCK! Superman can fly, that’s fucking awesome. He goes into outer space, which makes you envious. Now lets get to the Hollywood interesting stuff. We’ve seen 3 major Superactors as Superman through out time. There was the guy in the 50’s on TV, the guy in the 80’s in the movies, and that new guy a couple years ago who no one knows who he is. Lets forget that last guy happened and look at the past and the future.

On TV in the 50’s the guy who played Superman was a fellow by the name of George Reeves. The show had a popular run, even though Georgie Boy wasn’t too fond of it, but a paycheck is a paycheck. In the end, we find out that George really wasn’t “Faster than a Speeding Bullet” – he committed suicide by a shot to the head.. or DID he? Watch the movie Hollywoodland, its pretty decent and makes you go hmmmm!

Then with the emergence of the 1980’s the Man of Steel went to the movies, and was played by a fellow named Christopher Reeve! Whaaaaat? Coincidence? Perhaps, but an odd one at that. Chris met his untimely demise too, which makes you think that this is a role that is perhaps the most cursed role of all time! As we all know, his Pony which apparently bleeds kryptonite, didn’t quite jump a fence, he fell off and went CRACK! Quadriplegic. For the rest of his days. He died sometime later, but was still young. Tragedy.

Then there's the guy no one knows about. Fuck him.

But there's rumors now that there will be yet ANOTHER Superman reboot in the Hollywood. Who will play The Man of Steel? God only knows, but I think its safe to say there really should be only one candidate for the job: Keanu Reeves. Look at the facts, his name already matches, and he knows Kung Fu. He has also flown like Superman before. The down side to this would be, Keanu would croak in some untimely fashion and, well, I really don’t want that, because he seems like a cool guy, for an idiot, and hey, some day there might be a Bill n Ted’s 3. WILD STALLIONS!

As a Superhero, one must learn to hide their true identity. Superman was really great at doing this. First, he didn’t wear the cape. Then he acted nerdy. But since everyone knew what Superman looked like, he’d have to do something like grow a porn star mustache or something.. but since that’s a lot of trouble to shave all the time, he simply hid.. behind glasses. Because, in case you didn’t know- glasses are the ultimate disguise. Trust me, if you’re wearing glasses, no one can recognize you- its impossible to do.

“Clark” was in love with Lois Lane. Lois Lane was in love with Superman. And Superman was in love with his tights. Scary I know, needless to say, this relationship was going no where. Poor .. um.. love triangle. The end result? Dewd never gets the girl. Which is probably a good thing, can you imagine what would happen to poor Lois if they DID actually have sex?

Ironman

Ironman is gonna be a short one, because he’s a badass and I don’t have much to rip on. Here's a fellow who is not only smart, but insanely rich, which is a common thread among superheroes. Bad shit happens to him and blah blah blah, he makes a fucking awesome suit to fight crime in. He looks kinda like a robot. He flies, has rockets and is a total badass. I mean seriously, if I am walking down the street and I see a robot with rockets pointed at me, I’m pissing myself, straight up. Who would want to fight that sort of thing? Only the ultra super villains which though I can be sometimes, I’d lose verses rockets.

Ironman’s real name is Tony Stark, a rich ass bastard. There’s one redeeming quality of this egomaniac: He’s so in love with himself and his awesomeness, he does not hide the fact that he is in fact Ironman. You’ve gotta respect a fellow like that. There are hints that Tony actually loves Pepper Potts, but she knows he loves himself too much to ever really love her, and even though he is filthy rich, she plays the tease and poor Tony is left playing with his joystick. You’ve got to appreciate her though, she doesn’t just marry him and bang him for his wealth… a real lady that one.

Batman

Batman has been played by more actors than I think any other superhero. He has been made a faggot, a badass, and weirdo, and a mumbling incomprehensible crime fighting machine who sounds like he has throat cancer. Lets start off with his early life. Back in the day, before you were born and I was only 700 years old, there was a TV show for Batman, and the actor who portrayed him was a fellow named Adam West. Adam West is now the Mayor of Quohog. In that show, the caped crusader was a fairy fuck who had a boy toy named Robin. They fought crime, yes, but what the didn’t fight was the fiery passion that was between them. They made it perfectly clear that they were the only ones for each other and no bitch with tits and a vagina was ever going to come between them. Not even for a threesome love triangle. Poor chicks everywhere, you never stood a chance.

How did Batman get such awesome shit? He is rich of course, and tired of watching the corruption of the land brought him to the important decision to fight crime for the good of man kind. This goes to show you that Batman is really an awesome guy, because if I were rich in a city that was corrupt, I’d probably just move to the Caribbean and live peacefully on a yacht for the rest of my days. But not Batman! Gotham City is lucky!

In the movies we’ve seen a wide variety of people playing this masked man of crime fighting power, starting with Michael Keaton. If you ask me, he was swell as Batman, but a really shitty Bruce Wayne, because lets face it, with a mask on, he looks cool, with the mask off, he looks just as goofy as he did in Beetlejuice, and there’s no coming back from that.

After that, we saw the role taken up by the great Val Kilmer, who though an amazing actor really didn’t look pissed off enough to be Batman. He was really pretty and had pouty lips like a 5 year old girl, but he did get to fool around with Nicole Kidman’s character, who was really hot. I can’t remember her name because she didn’t matter.

Moving on.

Val only did one movie, and for us comic fans who were excited for Batman to live on, we were also very devastated with the return of Batman’s gay lover- Robin. Robin first emerged with Val, but he wasn’t very important until “Batman and Robin” – which starred the rancid George Clooney as Batman. This guy was so bad, after I watched the movie I actually shot myself in the face. Turns out, I am faster than a speeding bullet, because I ducked out of fear that the bullet would scratch me. And I’m still here today. So take that. This movie was grotesque and horrible. On a scale of 1-10 for shittiness, it scored a 37.2. So the bottom line is: Fuck you Robin, and fuck you Clooney. We don’t need your antics. It did have Batgirl too, which was a gay subplot, but it was played by Alicia Silverstone. And she’s hot.

Moving on to a more modern day and out of the gay 1990’s, we’ve found that super asshole Christian Bale is now Batman, and that works perfect. Why? Because just like Clooney and Kilmer, he is a self important dickhead who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. If you ask me, he’s on the same path Val Kilmer went down, which leads to being broke, sad, and out of work. But he brought a new element to Batman which is pretty.. ok. When he is in the mask, he speaks so gutturally, you cannot even understand him. Which I find to be pleasant, because sometimes when you’re watching a movie late at night the explosions and music is so loud you have to turn down the volume so you don’t piss off your neighbors, but then they try and talk and you can’t hear them.. this plays to our advantage because then you’re like “SWEET! I CAN’T UNDERSTAND HIM ANYWAYS!” so you don’t need to pay attention at all. This is a major plus.

The brilliant thing about Batman is he, Bruce Wayne, is a rich fuck AND public figure.. but since he ALWAYS wears a mask as Batman, he does not need a clever disguise when he is Bruce Wayne.. Though just to keep up with appearances- and so the other Superheroes wouldn’t make fun of him.. he did wear glasses once. No one knew it was really him. Swear.

The bad news is, no matter how rich or awesome he is, Batman never gets the girl. Poor schmuck.

The Flash

He’s just damn cool. He’s a science experiment gone wrong and he runs really fast. I wish I had this skill, I’d dine and dash all the time. I’d take 1.3 seconds at Walmart to get corndogs. The down side: Women are never pleased with someone they call “The Flash.”

Ouch.

There are no movies about The Flash, even though he’s the coolest superhero of all time. Maybe someday Hollywood will pull its head out of its asses.. but probably not.  There was a TV show once upon a time. It was awesome back then.. I can’t remember who was in it. Some guy. He played The Flash. It was awesome. Nuff said.

Spiderman

The Spidey movies sucked if you ask me, which I know you’re not. But since they were popular and shit I’ll say something. Tobey Maguire acted like a pansy, Spiderman was cool, but whatever. Kirsten Dunst looked pretty ok. There, I said it. Want more? I also don’t like Pink Floyd or the Eagles. Now you’re in shock, I know. Deal with it.

So Spiderman is really a poor kid who has an affinity for heights and arachnids. This breaks free of the norm. Peter Parker makes all his money by taking pictures of Spidey. Coincidence? Nah, its called using the grape, bitches!

So Peter loves Mary Jane, who kinda loves Peter, but hates Spidey. Spidey loves attention, and most of all: Himself. Mary Jane can’t be with Peter while he’s still sporting tights, because he has nicer legs than she does. Unfulfilled love. Imagine him in the sack though, that’d be one sticky mess. Ewww. I know, I went there. Spiderman/Peter Parker also felt the need to be like every other superhero, and he too could sport glasses. This kept his identity secret!

For as we all have learned, your secret identity is to be your secret and yours alone. Except almost every superhero has at least ONE confidante. But whatever. Spiderman’s a wimp. I think a 3 day old kitten could take him in an arm wrestling match.

 

There is one final superhero I’d like to cover before we wrap this crap up. And that is the most real and true and AWESOME superhero of all time.

Chuck Norris

We all know why he is the worlds greatest crime fighter. We all know that he was born in a log cabin that he build with his bare hands. We also know that he has a vacation home on the sun, can kick start a car, and also that behind his beard is another fist. So what more is there to say?

Here’s a guy who built his career off of being a badass, and it was an easy thing for him to do because he IS in fact a badass. He’s like a 27x World Champion Karate master, the only Westerner to hold a 9th Degree Black Belt in Tai Kwon Do and he’s also Walker Texas Ranger.

He’s also older than your grandpappy, bitch! That’s right, Chuck is in his 70’s but only looks like he’s 32. How does he do that? He pisses out the fountain of youth, that’s how!

And if that’s not enough to make you jealous, check out his wife.

Why is she smiling? Because she’s hot and she is married to Chuck Fucking Norris. Which means she has sex with him, which is the highest honor among women in the world. If you’re a woman and you say, “What? No one told me that..” Then maybe you need to read your hand book a little more closely! DO IT NOW!

 

Superheroes are awesome, talented, valiant and they look good in glasses. All this is true. But superheroes are also flawed to the core, which is why we like them so much. We can relate, because they are awesome fuck ups. Every superhero is amazing at saving the day, but no matter what any of them do.. none of them can save their own personal life outside of the mask. We love them because they’re just like us. They suck at life just as bad as we do.

Can you see the correlations all coming together here? That’s right boys and girls, I, cr1ck3e, should be a superhero. My skill would be bleeding kryptonite. So I could just go around cutting my arteries and spraying my blood everywhere. This is easily done, because I already bleed kryptonite. Its kinda creepy, but I dig it. I think “The Critic” is a perfect name for me too, because lets face it, I’m not going to help everyone. I have standards.

But to recap, lets talk about why I should be a Superhero.

• I love myself more than I can love you. Check!
• I never get the girl for long term. Check!
• I look good in tights. Check!
• I’m self important. Check!
• I’m rich. Check!
• I can fly. Check!
• I’m build like a brick shit house. Check!

 

Good to go. And once I’m a superhero, maybe I’ll recruit! I could use a good sidekick. But if you’re Robin, don’t bother, I’ve my eyes set on a much BETTER crime fighting partner to fuck around town with.

 

Hell yes!

Censored!

Ever feel like you know some how, somewhere, you’re getting fucked, big time! And I’m not talking about someone slipped you a roofie or some asshat has used the force on you.

No I’m talking about you feel like you’ve been fucked by some assclown who didn’t have the common courtesy to use lube or give you a reach around! Who is this bastard!? He is THE MAN! The one and only. He does this to you sometimes, and you may not even realize it. I have realized it. Its happening to me everyday, and its happening to you too!

I’ve already explained my credentials to you, but I’ll tell you again. I my friends, I am being censored RIGHT NOW! I know this to be truth. Maybe you haven’t experienced it to the full extent that I have, but you’re getting the hammer put to you as we speak! So because I’m being censored, I am perfectly capable of explaining more censorship than most people, and I’m not just talking about porn here!

We’ve discussed censorship to a certain extent, but other than searching for awesome pornographic materials, we’ve not really gone much more into it. Now, lets dabble in the extreme. Buckle up bitches, its time to ride this rollercoaster of madness into the abyss!

Maybe you’ve had this bullshit happen to you, maybe you haven’t. I have it happen all the time. Cellphones are the devil as we all know, and to my adoring fans who send me awesome messages which I receive on my cell phone, I thank you. The rest of you who send those messages and hear nothing from me. Its bullshit right? Totally. Here’s what really pisses me off, if I take the time to sacrifice my thumbs to send you a message from my awesome phone, you should get it, plain and simple. And yet you don’t. And sometimes you send ME a message, sacrificing your thumbs in the process, and yet I don’t receive it. This is the man trying to limit my out reach. You blame me, my phone, my lack of caring to respond, but its just not true! Its all Uncle fucking Sam taking care of me, trying to keep me from spreading the truth. We don’t want that do we? No we don’t, but does Uncle Sam really care what we want? FUCK NO! I did some research and here is what I’ve discovered:

Jan. 4, 2011 – Washington D.C.

In a unanimous vote today the House of Representatives passed a bill to begin censorship of a certain self proclaimed “Prophet of Truth” based out of Colorado. His vicious words rival that of any critic out in the world, and this Doctor of information is to have the proverbial gag put over his mouth. The bill includes a budget of 12.5 Billion US dollars to bring silence through all forms of social media, personal cellular telephone usage, and even so far as prohibit the sale of anything that may be burned – the explanation to this, is to keep him “From sending smoke signals. This man is dangerous and very resourceful, and we must silence him in all forms possible.” (Rep. Michael E. Capuano, Mass.)

The Bill went to the Senate with no delay or red tape, and the preliminary vote showed an easy pass, in an act of uncanny bipartisanship, both the House and Senate voted unanimously to have this bomb dropped on “the critic”. Says Nancy Pelosi, “This is a true day of democracy, and a victory for Democrats and Republicans alike.” With the immediate signature of the President, the Bill has gone into effect.

ABC NEWS

There you have it. Fact, proof, and a straight up, game, set, match, bitches! It is at this time that I’d like to point out that it is not, in fact, my “Shitty ass Blackberry” that keeps me from receiving all forms of communication, and it is not my fault. I do find it somewhat surprising that my Berry has been silenced- since it is made in Socialist Canadia, and as we all know, the current regime in America is trying to send us to socialism, but that is besides the point. The point is, no matter what you say, my device works properly and is not, in fact, “Broken as fuck.” thank you very much.

So basically what you’re seeing is a bitch slap happen. If you send me a text and I don’t get it, don’t blame me. If I send you something and you don’t get it, don’t blame me. It seems that sometimes the most reliable form of communication is email, but even that might get the gag soon. So, petition, petition my friends, to try and stop the government from silencing the unstoppable, unsilencable critic. If I have to, I’ll move to keep bringing you the truth. But just remember. Sometimes, its out of my control.

Has this happened to you? It might have, if so, I feel your pain. If it has not, then you may count yourself as one of the fortunate ones. But the government in every state, town, province, city, county, and dirt patch in the lower 48 has already put a form of censorship in place to keep you from being free, truly free. You feel the grip on your neck yet? Oh yes, lets show you just how bad you have it and you don’t even KNOW!

Have you guessed it yet? That’s right, children, I’m talking about Local Law Enforcement Agencies. Formally known as: COPS!

They come in many ways shapes and forms. From City PD, to County Sheriff, State Patrol, and Highway Patrol. These people are here for one reason, and one reason only: To fucking make you hate life. These bastards are so self glorified, they’ve made multiple tv dramas based on them, which I like to call all of them “COP DRAMA” – sometimes you have “Cop Drama, LA!” or “Cop Drama, NYC!” but they are all the same. There’s even a real life documentary show of cops busting bad guys, which is cleverly named: COPS.

Cops themselves come in not many ways shapes and forms, there are two typical forms of cops. A male one, who is a grotesquely overweight asshole, and a female raging bull dyke asshole.

You know, I’ve run into a lot of cops in my day, and every time it happens its because I’m “Breaking the law” – ie. I’m speeding. Well who gets to decide how fast I should drive? Certainly not some over weight pig headed asshat with a badge. That’s not right at all! I didn’t get to be privy as to this decision making process, why do I have to adhere to it? These are not my rules, and I think that I should have some say in the rules in which I am forced to abide by. And every time I’m pulled over for “speeding” I think to myself, shouldn’t this dickhead be doing something more important? Like, I know there are identity thieves and meth addicts and rapists that are out there that really should deserve the attention of this fuck stick more than my doing 7 miles per hour over the speed limit. I know you’ve thought it too.

But who are cops, really? Other than a dick with a badge and a gun, who are they, on the inside? I’ll tell you who. Remember that kid in highschool you used to pick on? His name was like, Dwayne or something. Dwayne was a retard and you used to slap him daily. Why? Because you could. And it made him tear up, which was hilarious. Well, you see, Dwayne grew up, and he wanted revenge. So he became a cop. He made it through a mediocre training process, given a gun, and authority, and now he’s out for YOU. Every time he sees you, he fumes with the hatred of a thousand fires of hell, and he is ready to exact his revenge. If you run, he’ll shoot you. Why? Because he can. If you don’t run, he’ll give you a ticket. Why? Because you kinda tear up every time, and that’s fucking hilarious.

Now, here’s the real kicker. Congratulations, you pay this fuckstick’s salary! That’s right, friends, you pay this asshole to sit in a car on the side of the road, and “Fight Crime!” Fighting crime means to enjoy his free coffee and doughnut from 7/11. While he waits for you to pass, going just a little bit too fast and BOOM! You are officially fucked. Granted, there’s a liquor store being robbed that very moment, and a drunk asshole beating his wife, and a stalker who is watching some unknowing soul. Not to mention the tweaker who just stole my credit card number so he could score more meth. No, those people are not important. It is you, in your speeding car that is the real danger to society, you monkey fucker!

Not only do we pay their salary, but we also pay for that pretty ride they sit in, which, have you ever noticed, is a REALLY nice car? I’ve seen all kinds of awesome cop cars, none of which was an 83 Honda POS. Why? Because why the fuck should they have to ride in a shitty car like you? Fuck you, only top of the line shit for them! And if that’s not bad enough, they also have, from what I’ve seen recently, gas guzzling muscle cars for a ride. What the fuck. Gas is like $3.50 a gallon any more! What the fuck is going on here, why are we not only paying their salary, but also for the car they drive, the insurance associated with said car, AND the gas they get out of those shitty hogs! If you ask me, if we have to pay for ALL of that, then how about we give them a car that gets good gas mileage. It doesn’t even have to be a piece of shit either, we can give them good new cars, that are safe and will last until Jesus comes back to the earth. I’m talking a Prius here. Or a Mo-Ped. Something that gets like 700 miles to the gallon. That’d free up some government spending, ya? You think!?

Here’s some more insulting news. These guys are out there for our own good. They’re there to take down bad guys and save us innocents on the road. In fact, almost every police department has the same awesome slogan that makes you think: Hey, this fat fuck is on MY side! What slogan is that? To Protect and Serve.

They love that slogan so much, that it becomes a staple of their existence. I live to serve and protect. bitches.  Ok seriously, who does a job to serve and protect? No one! I do my job not so I can enhance peoples lives. Fuck no. I do my job for a paycheck! And also because no one will pay me to write a bunch of crap insulting any and everyone I can think of that falls in my sights at any given moment, mores the pity.

Yah that’s right, I bring you all the truth not for a paycheck, but out of love! Love for you, my friends, and for the truth, and for the knowledge of knowing that I am bringing you the truth! But if someone would pay me for it, I’d bring a whole bunch more bullshit truth to you whenever I feel like it often. But back to the case at hand. They are so proud of protect and serve the put it on cars, badges, patches, and signs. And on tv shows. But it’s a lie, isn’t it?

No! Its not a lie! Don’t you know? The DO protect and serve. They protect you from speeding.. and serve you with a ticket when you DO actually speed! That’s a service that is priceless.

So to recap a final analysis of these enforcers of your censorship:

You pay for their awesome fast gas guzzling car, the insurance and maintenance on it, and the assholes salary who is sitting inside it waiting for you to SPEED so he can pull you over, and write you a ticket so you can give MORE money to the state. Who in their right minds ever thought this was a good idea? Who ever it was deserves to be beaten to death with spoons. Yah, fucking spoons. That’d be a slow painful process to go through, so they know, just before they die, and for hours before that, they they are the fucking assholes who ruined my drive to work. Fuck you censorship, and fuck the assholes who are putting the gag on me. I’m breaking free, I know you’re with me! Now lets go do something awesome, like kill people, because so long as we’re not speeding on the way home, those lazy pigs will never find the bodies in our trunks!

Relief.

Now that the God awful month of February is over, we can move on to a more joyous time in the world, and that is March. March always brings us relief because February is a trying month. For many reasons, I officially declare that it is the worst month of the year and I will explain in full detail how that came to be. You may be thinking right now that Feb. is a wonderful month, but its not. Welcome to relief month, my friends.

 

After years of study in the Mental Institute of Colorado, I have been released, thank the Gods. It was in there under heavy medication that I began my study of the calendar much like the Mayans did. I looked at the odd number of days in the year, and I divided by 42. What this told me is: I now know the secrets of the calendar year. So from there, I formed my thesis on each month. Each month has hits and misses, of course, because no one is perfect. February’s misses were at an astronomical high, and its hits? Nonexistent. So, from there I formed the hypothesis that in a year filled with absolutes and long division, February is the weak spot of this year. My doctors even told me I was the worlds leading expert on this, and so now it is becoming published fact. Do you believe? Why not?! You believe the Mayans, who though they could predict the end of the world, could not predict the end of their own civilization. If they are trust worthy, so I am I.

Now that we have that cleared up, lets get to the good stuff. Patient tested, doctor approved!

February sucks! Lets start with the obvious reasons.

Valentine’s Day

I’ve discussed the perils involved with Dooms Day before. Remember? Greeting Cards, etc. ? Let’s do a quick recap:

Valentine’s Day is a day of LOVE! OOoooOOoo mushy mushy! But, if you’re a man, this means a days of stress, because lets face it, if you’re like me you don’t know the difference between Jelly and Jam, and therefore the difference between gold, jewels, platinum, silver, and all that bullshit is lost on you. You look at all that crap in the jewelry store and say to yourself, which one would she think is pretty? The answer? Not the one you’re going to buy, you cheap fuck! Why? Because if it has more numbers behind the dollar sign, it is obviously more pretty than that 99$ necklace you heard advertised on the radio earlier today! So, you’re fucked, because it’s a down economy, gas is almost 4$ a gallon, and you only make 9$/hr at Walmart. This also means you’re probably working at the most generous Walmart in the world, you lucky asshole, the one I work at only pays 7.50. I hate you.

But I digress. So you can’t afford something really nice that she’ll like, so you buy something she’ll pretend she likes but never wear. You buy flowers which suck because they’re dead in 2 days because you picked the wrong KIND of flowers, but she pretended to like them anyways. And you forget.. you forget to get.. a fucking card. As we’ve discussed, all she wants is the fucking card, and all you want is to see her naked. Card = Naked. But you didn’t get her a card, therefore you end up jerking off in the shower alone, because that’s how V-Day works.

Why the fuck is Valentine’s Day represented with a heart? Because it’s a symbol of love. Because someone, somewhere, at some point in history, decided that giving someone your heart means that you love them. If you’re a man, there’s something you want given to you to show a sign of love, and it is not a heart.

Am I wrong here? No, I don’t think so. And if you’re a woman, you know I’m not. And if you’re a man, you’re still looking at the picture.

If you’re a woman in love than you too want something to be given to you. And its not the same thing as what a man wants.. that is unless you’re either:

• A Lesbian
• A Really Fun Girl

 

And yet, we must profess our loves to one another through a heart.

And who was it that decided that a heard look like that bubbly pretty thing that holds our festive chocolates? Have you ever looked at a real heart? I have! I like to rip them out of people all the time and feast upon them and then what I do is..

I mean, I saw a documentary on PBS once. Anyways, a real heart doesn’t look like that at all! As you can see here, this is a real drawing of a REAL heart! I didn’t want to gross you out and show you the one I ripped out last week.

So now, you tell me, how was it we determined what a heart looks like after seeing what this looks like? I think, the people who chose what they wanted a heart to look like have evolved into those people who vote on the winner of American Idol. Idiots. So, in conclusion, you didn’t get a card and you spent more than you could afford even though it wasn’t enough in the end. You didn’t get laid, and she didn’t get her pretty jewels. Another Dooms Day is a total failure, better luck next year. Or follow in my footsteps and be single on Dooms Day and read all the desperate ads for a date on craigslist to amuse you and then get a pizza, and watch a gory movie that makes you cheer! Like Ninja Assassin. The Buddha will tell you that this is the true path to enlightenment.

Oh, and you don’t even get the day off from work. Fuck Valentine’s Day.

Presidents Day

They get their own day, and its in this month! Yes! Now lets celebrate and party like Presidents! Here’s a guy who while he is in office, all the public does is bitch about how bad he sucks, then when he’s gone and the next one comes along, we forget about the last one and bitch about the new one. Why are we celebrating this?  Why does he need his own day? Lets look at the facts!

We, the poor Walmart employees pay for his salary, which is much more than our 7.50. We pay for him, his family, and his jets. We get to pay for his vacations, and we get to pay for his sex in the Oval Office. Here is a guy who not only gets paid to be the “most powerful man in the world” but he ALSO gets free fucking rent! Whaaaaaat? And it’s a big ass house. Its not like he’s living in the Projects here, he’s got a fucking mansion, complete with staff, aides, and security. Bullet and bombproof cars and his own FUCKING JET! And if that’s not enough, this dickwad who, probably at the end of his term we’ll look back and say, “well he really didn’t do shit did he?” And yet we have to celebrate his day? Fuck you! I refuse! And guess what?! We don’t get that day off of work either! What the fuck?! At least if you you want us to celebrate how much we hate our current office holder, give us the day off from work so we can riot in the streets like he fucking deserves! Fuck that! And why is it minimum wage is so low? Doesn’t the President have some say in that? I think we should make him pay rent at the White House and put him on minimum wage and see how fast it goes up. Hooray! See, we just need thinkers in office. I should be President, I want a jet and I’m tired of paying rent.

Groundhog’s Day

On this day we celebrate the existence of an oversized rat who lives in a hole. The fanatics in Pennsylvania come out to gather in the freezing cold to pull this rat out of its hole and put it on the ground. If said rat then sees it shadow it freaks the fuck out, because its not only a rat, but retarded, and runs back into its hole. That indicates we will have 6 more weeks of winter. If the rat does not see his shadow, it will frolic in the snow and bounce around like a retarded oversized rat, and spring is on its way.

Wait, what? Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? How is it that we name a RAT of all creatures that gets to decide the fate of winter? That’s really a fucked up notion. First off, as we all know, rats are disease carrying vermin who will give you plague and eat your cheese. Secondly, they are terrifying animals what will eat your face off while you sleep and you’d never know until you woke up in the morning and did not have a face. This is a fucked up scenario. Never trust in a rat to make decisions. Here’s that bad news! That fucking rat.. is usually DEAD ON RIGHT! What the hell? This is another fine example of how twisted life can be.

I hate winter, its too cold and I’m far too puny with no insulation to handle it. Winter itself is insulting, and if that’s not enough, the length of winter being decided upon by a rat just adds insult to injury to insult. The upside to this is there was a really awesome movie starring Bill Murray called Groundhog Day, which if you haven’t seen it, you probably should be shot because you are wasting oxygen. If the rat was a badass, it’d be worth having its own holiday. Like if it was the Arnold Swartzeneggar of rats. But its not, and never will be. Yet we are forced to pray, on this day, that the rat will not see its shadow so bikini season will start early this year! Damn you cruel fate. And another thing, this day.. you don’t get it off of work either. Fuck Groundhogs.

It is at this point that before I continue, I’ll make a quick side note. With my blog here, I try to offend everyone and everything in the most unserious way I possibly can. Therefore, if you don’t know, I do try and stay away from what could potentially be hurtful to anyone other than Democrats.  What is about to follow should be viewed in the same light.

Black History Month

Much like with Kwanzaa I feel as though I’m jipped out of getting to celebrate this. And I think the people who do get to celebrate this should feel jipped as well. Because I know how to celebrate like a motherfucker. Believe it. First off, as you know by now, I am not black, and therefore celebration seems to exclude me. Though that would normally not stop me from partying down like a mad motherfucker, today, and for the entire month of February, I abstain. First off, I don’t want to be considered a racist. That just would not be cool, right? EVEN THOUGH the idea of a Black History Month in and of itself is kind of racist don’t you think? Why is it there are no OFFICIAL White History Months? Or or or! Hispanic History Month, which, if you ask me, has a great ring to it. Hispanic History… hell we could even say it with an Antonio Banderas like accent and it then becomes sexy sounding, for as we all know, if you want to be sexy, you act like Antonio. FACT!

But just the fact that there is a whole month to celebrate nothing but but black history seems wrong. I mean, shouldn’t we as an equal people and all, celebrate each others history every month of the year? And if you’re black, do you find it a bit offensive that whoever chose that you get your own month to celebrate your history actually chose the shortest month of the year for you to celebrate? Why not a full 30 days? Or 31? If it’s a leap year, you get one extra day, which I guess could be cool because you’d be like: Remember last year we celebrated history for 28 days? THIS YEAR WE GET 29 BITCHES!!!

And bragging rights is pretty awesome like that. Screw that though, you’re still one or two days short of a normal month. This should not be acceptable to you, for it is not to me.

I know the people who think up all this are only trying their best to recognize everyone as equals, but regrettably the real truth here is they are further separating the races by showing just how special one is over the other, and I am not sure that’s right either. Its like BET. You know if someone came out with WET (which I admit it, it sounds dirty) there’d be problems and that shit would never get launched.  I’m just saying. Celebrate your history every month, don’t let the man tell you what month is yours.

BUT! As I said, bragging is something I love, so since there’s a month and channel you get and whitey’s don’t, my advice is rub it in their faces. Let em know just how rad it is that you get that shit when they don’t. Fuck I’d do it. I guess the bottom line is I’m just jealous.

But you don’t get to take the month off to celebrate, and again. Fucked. I blame February. As should you.

And finally, February is hard to spell. You have to add that R in where it should not be, and that makes me mad. Also, remember, it has 28 days unless its 29, which only happens every few years. Why not just make it the same? Makes little to no sense, but you can deal with it however you like. For me, its kinda like Daylight Savings, no one really knows when it happens, but it annoys the piss out of you every year.

So now you realize just how wrong the entire month of February is, and why yours truly took most of the month off. Welcome to March, life is good. I could talk about that more, but that’ll just give me something else to blog about later. And not in April. Promise. Kinda. Maybe.