Resident Evil

Today before we begin to explore the truth, as we always do here.. I’d like to take a minute for a sweet ass announcement.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Thank you all for being my readers. It touches me in an inappropriate way on my no no spot like you could never know. Furthermore, he helps the beating of my shriveled up, tiny black heart. So, again, thank you.

But..

I should also let you know that I read all the comments left behind by people who are strong willed and opinionated enough to say them. I do not always expect that everyone would agree with me, in fact, i enjoy a bit of disagreement every now and again. There once was a fellow who read my blog. He disagreed. Naturally, he does not see the way of the truth as clearly as all of you lovelies do. That said, I figured I’d give him a nice golf clap and recognize his bravery in disagreement. Thank you for your comment mark. Now, allow me to retort!

You are 100% right that some of these are pretty bad. and that I found bad pictures of all of them. The reason i was able to find bad pictures of all of them is because they are heinously ugly beyond all belief. It is, in fact, quite difficult to find a “good” picture of those things. It is because there are NO good pictures out there. Hard to believe? Not really. The reason is, ugly people do not take pretty pictures. Now to address your comment about making myself feel better..

Your right. I have an unquenchable thirst for insulting females to better my self image. Seeing as how I am male and have the throbbing need to seem better, perhaps even more beautiful than a woman. Also, i should note that this is a very natural and heterosexual thing to pursue because, as we all know, heterosexual males are CONSTANTLY “tring” to find bad pictures of pretty ladies so they themselves feel better about being male. So thank you for bringing that to light, you studly genius!

Now, a question, because perhaps mark’s infinite wisdom kept him from looking at the word at the top of the screen. Thats right, the header. Whose blog is this? Well mine, but- what do we call dr. cr1ck3e, phd. formally? Scroll up mark…

Thats right, the critic. I wonder if you know what the meaning of that would be. So, in my ever dying love to prove myself better than ugly females and faithful need to bring the truth, i thought it might be time for a bit of education! yay! its like school again!

  

Seeing as how I can be a pompous ass, I thought you’d like a bit of a challenge in your quest to be enlightened, mark. So I give to you, the definition of the world “critic”.

Turn your head to the side, its readable, I assure you.

This definition is brought to you by:

Webster’s Dictionary

Raisin Bran

Telemundo

and Johnson and Johnson. Remember, after your morning breakfast of hearty raisin bran, and a few hours of telemundo, before your babies nap be sure to use johnson and johnson on it so its diaper rash doesn’t burn too much, and thus will give you time to read the ultimate source in definitions: Webster’s Dictionary.

I’d like to point out the last bit there, mark, in case you couldn’t read it. “one who is given to harsh or captious judgment.”

Hey! Thats me! But just for fun, before we move on today, and because I enjoyed our little disagreement so well, I though maybe you’d like to know what another definition is.. because I like Webster’s… A L O T !

Now, you’ve seen the light, I’m sure. You see mark, the difference between you and I is, I do not back my analysis up with opinion, I back it up with truth. Each one of those ugly women were hand picked for a reason, and then I gave a nice informative reason as to why they are so ugly. Also, I’m assuming you didn’t read thoroughly enough, or perhaps just didn’t realize that I myself did not do the hand picking of which I spoke of.. Oh no, all of those people were voted on and chosen by faithful loyals. And thus, perhaps it is THEY who are trying to make themselves feel better. I only penned what was chosen for me. However, that being said, I do not think they are jealous of the ugliness which is displayed by those ugly stains on Hollywood. I think it is you, mark, who tried to make yourself feel better by voicing a disagreement with someone who is far more opinionated and wiser than yourself. Perhaps you’d hoped someone would read that and go: “HELL YA! GIVE IT TO HIM MARK!!” But, my friend, that didn’t happen. Now, before you retort again, please please please, give us something better to read, use facts to back your opinion. After all, that’s what the pro’s do.

FLAME ON!!

Resident Evil. There’s a lot to cover, so we should jump into it quickly now that I have addressed that last tidbit of tyrannical madness. Take a seat, brew some coffee, this bitch is ready to go!

 I’ve explained my credentials on this one before, in a couple different forms. But as a quick recap, I’ve been to the movies, and I enjoy movies. I do not, however, enjoy retarded movies. I’ve also been playing video games longer than I’ve been alive. Thats right, I first beat pitfall when i was in the womb mothafucka. Beat that! That combined with my fully charged awesomeness we’re ready to march into this one, full steam ahead!

Thanks to the fine people at capcom we have wonderful games such as resident evil.   Resident Evil is one of those wonderful games that centers itself around killing lots of awesome things, such as zombies. As we all know, zombies are without a doubt to be feared. They are to be feared, obviously, because they are real. Make no mistake, the zombie attack is not a matter of IF its a matter of WHEN, and those of us who have educated ourselves and prepared will survive. The rest of you are fucked. Good news though! Better you than me!

Because of the huge amounts of success that these games have been blessed by the good people of hollywood to make these kick ass games into movies! Thats where the real meat of this blog today will be, Resident Evil 4. But we should probably recap first, don’t ya think? Of course you do!

Resident Evil. This story takes place UNDER Raccoon City, in a secret lab known as The Hive. We first meet our heroine Milla Jovovich lying naked in a shower. Beautiful. From there she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

The End.

Just kidding, this movie is a rollercoaster ride of plague and death of the undead kind. Its scary factor really comes from the fact that they are all underground and when you’re underground… theres no where to fucking run. Chaos ensues. Death, blood gore. YES! Oh and Michelle Rodriguez is in it too, and she plays, get this, a tough bitch! Bad news fellers, she turns into a zombie. Lalala, they get out of the Hive the close the doors, and just when all is safe, the dreaded Umbrella Corporation shows up and takes them all away and the lights go out on poor Alice. (Milla) Then, Alice wakes up again, shows alot of skin (YES!) and everyone in Raccoon City appears dead! Oh no!!! THE END! Cliff Hanger!!!! Theres one major problem with this movie and that is, despite its ability to follow the game pretty close, the main character, Alice, was not in the game. Bad Mojo when you do that. Lets grade it!!

• Milla  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Boobies  A++
• Guns  A+
• Death  A+
• Zombies A++
• Plot A
• Story  A
• Closeness to Game D

Overall Grade:

Thats right, an A-fucking PLUS. This movie, despite making up a fake character in Alice, this movie is an ass kicking from the beginning to the end. Ride it out my friends, its worth the journey. Oh and don’t forget those awesome dobermans who  try to eat everyone. Zombie Dogs rule.

 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. In the second installment of the RE’s run at the box office, we see something thats almost a direct replica of the game with Nemesis! Excellent.

So the movie picks up right where the the last movie left off! Alice wakes up, stuck with needles and tubes. Nakedness galore. Then she gets dressed and the rest of the movie sucks.

So she gets up, gets dressed, finds a shot gun and goes to war against these zombie fucks who are overrunning the city! Meanwhile, this movie introduces us to a couple new characters and for the gamers out there, a couple familiar faces. First, we have Carlos Olivera.

Carlos is an undeniable straight up badass. He’s a weapon in the flesh and he is played by that awesome arabian looking guy from the Mummy, or the real jiggalo from Duce Bigallo. Thats right, non other than Oded Fehr. If nothing else this guy rules because he has a fuckin awesome name. But he’s a riproaring day saving (even at night) cowboy from hell with a bad ass gun, and he kills zombies like a bastard!

It also introduces us to Jill Valentine, who is a gun toating badass who has a sway to her walk that will make any guy salivate. Even the gay ones. If you don’t salivate looking at Sienna Guillory.. I’m concerned for your health. She’s a brit and in the special features she talked about how she worked out for x amount of weeks that when compared to Milla makes her a weak bitch.  This chick took no shit from anyone, except the made up for movies Alice. Sure she wouldn’t stand a chance against Nemesis but against your regular every day zombies, shes a slayer of more than just teenage hearts. Bad news boys, no matter how hot this dainty little diddy is, she does not show her beautiful breasticles. Sorry.

The Storyline takes place, as i said, right after the first movie, where the ultra evil Umbrella Corporation has locked down Raccoon City and plans on killing everyone, because they were retards and reopened the Hive and all the Zombies got loose! Oh no! And the good guys only have ONE CHANCE to get out! Save some fat ankled brit’s kid who while being evacuated was in a car accident. So said brit enlists the assistance of Alice and Co. To find his baby girl and escape the city before its Nuked into next year! Along the way we find out that during her time in the hospital, the made up for movies Alice has been fuckin tweaked into a super killer of zombies, thus making Milla even more attractive. Gore, blood, guts, and Zombies happen. EVEN HOOKER ZOMBIES HAPPEN! Its a wonderful thing. Oh and can’t forget those doggie zombies, no good resident evil movie would be complete! Chaos once again ensues and this time theres a gargantuan monster who we learn used to be poor Matt from RE1, and is now a badass that ways a gujillion pounds and is a beast of epic proportions. Alice and Nemesis fight! Alice the cute lil girl, is much more impressive then you think! City gets NUKED, Alice looks DEAD! OH NO! But then, Milla shows her boobs to us once again, and life is good. She escapes captivity of the evil Umbrella Corporation and shows she has a shit load of new powers! Cliff Hangers happen and we go to the credits!

• Milla  A+
• Jill Valentine  A+
• Olivera the Badass  A+
• Nemesis  A+
• Storyline  A+
• Game Closeness  A
• Gore  A++
• Zombies coming out of the graveyard for no reason F-
• Still no Claire F
• Still Made up Alice  F

Final Grade: A. A solid A. You can’t ask for much better than that, really, especially for a second movie in a series. Lets face it, sequels normally suck, and this one did not. All in all, its a great movie, not nearly as scary as the first because this one took place out doors. Plenty of room to run.

 

Resident Evil: Extinction. This movie was met with a lot of hype from yours truly. After the first two, i was expecting wonderful and great things, plus EVEN MORE OF THE SAME GREAT GORINESS.

What did I get? Just that? Eeehh.. Kinda.

Lets dive in.

This movie was excellent for one great reason. it finally introduced one of the games main characters, Claire Redfield.

For those who played the game, you know that during the Raccoon incident, she was looking for her long lost brother, who turns up eventually, but for now is just straight missing. This is important, because no matter how much I love the character of Alice, and more importantly, Milla- she just wasn’t the games centerpiece the way she is the movie. Eventually they wrote her into the games, as a character you see, but never play, but who gives a fuck?! Claire, our heroine, she is so fine and has a convoy of survivors shes keeping alive. What a sweetheart! She’s also played by Ali Larter, who though she is not Milla.. she is equally hot in her own damn way. You may remember Ali from the show Heroes, or perhaps from the Final Destination movies (before she finally got whacked by death bahahahhahahahahahaaa!!) But not me. Final Destination was cheese and Heroes I never bothered with. No, I know her for a much more important role to mankind, and it is the role of the girl who wore the Whip Cream Bikini in Varsity Blues. And you’re goddamn right I have the picture to prove it. Why wouldn’t I? I shamelessly plug all I want! This will be no different!

God Bless you Ali Larter.

So anyways, where were we? Oh umm.. Good guys are on the move, and Alice has super powers. (kinda  lame? eh.. its ok) So we also see Alice being cloned over and over and over and run through similar tests to the ones she faced in first movie. In fact the 3rd movie starts off the same as the first EXCEPT NO MILLA BOOBIES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE!?

The good guys wake up one morning to Zombie ravens all over their rides, chaos and death ensue, and the emergence of a “14 year old” girl named K-Mart happens.I’m guessing shes 20 in real life. Anyways, when it looks the bleakest, Alice shows up and torches all birdies with the power of her MIND! OooOoOOOooooo now shes even more spooky than before. Oh and in Claire’s convoy we see Oded, er Olivera. Don’t worry, true to the games, he too will die, even though he seems a flirtation and possible love interest of Alice. I don’t care how spooky strong powerful she is, I’d hit it even if it meant my doom. So once again, gore and violence and zombies happen. Dr. Isaac’s our imperial bad guy, makes super zombies who terrorize and kill, they control Alice with a satellite for a bit, which is awesome. She even gets shut down, but then she wakes up with the power of he-man, gijoe- and voltron combined and kickes some major ass! The bad Dr. gets bit OH NO! and becomes a MONSTER! but not your typical zombie, oh nonononono, he becomes a SUPER zombie, kinda like Nemesis, sept he has awesome tenticals and he can heal like a motherfucker. Battle happens. Alice finds zillions of clones, and all this takes place in the desert, AND a secret UNDERGROUND FACILITY!! Get that? Man, Umbrella is some spooky fucks, they’re always underground.  Anyways, Alice promises impending DOOOOOMMMM!!!!  And some point around there we see Milla’s boobies. YES!  And then we get cliff hanger and CREDITS!

• Milla  A+
• Claire  A+
• Story  A+
• Video Game Similarities A+
• Whip Cream Bikini  A+++
• Made up Character turned Superhero F-
• Death A+
• Zombies  A+
• Destruction  A+
• Epic Battle  A+

 

Final Grade:  I’m giving this one a good B+. This movie wasn’t nearly as good as the other ResEvil Movies, but it was still a damn good zombie movie and lets face it, it has Milla. Oh I should mention, Milla once again kicked the shit outta Zombie Dogs.

 

Resident Evil: Afterlife. This movie is THREE MOTHA FUCKIN DEE BITCHES. As you can tell by the poster.

This movie improved on an already great series! It captured the essence of awesomeness of the first two, the total world destruction of the third, and made it its own. In RE3 we saw Claire take survivors up to Alaska in search of a clean clear free place with no virus to turn them into flesh eating monsters. Did they find it? Alice goes to investigate.

Since this movie is so new, I don’t want to tell you the story, I’m not big on spoilers. But I will throw a couple things in there as a hint, or dead give away.

Get it.

DEAD!

 

bahahahahahahahaha..

Milla is hot as ever in this movie. I think one of the most amazing things about this series which started a whomping 8 years ago! is that Milla looks the same IF NOT BETTER than she did 8 years ago!  Perhaps it is the Tvirus in her thats keeping her from aging.. perhaps not. I have no idea, but what I do know, is that she kicks major ass as she always has. Whip Cream Bikini girl makes her reappearance in this movie. Thank God there is Ali Larter in this world. She truly makes it a better place. She does a good job of stepping into the role of the heroine of the series. Also, theres someone who is an original character who **Finally** decides to show up. I won’t say who though. But just because i think its awesome. check this out.

The best part about this is, that guy they find locked up in prison, AND he is the main character from the hit Fox show, PRISON BREAK. Irony?  I THINK NOT! Also, this movie had a surprising visit in its soundtrack from A Perfect Circle, which i was very happy to hear! Hmm what else. Undeaded Dogs? Maybe! Uber Battle Scene? MAYBE! One thing I will tell you though.

Just like its older siblings, this movie promises blood, gore, excitement, 3D chaotic zombie survival badassness. Yes, it has it all. Do I recommend seeing it? You bet your sweet asses I do. This movie will stand you up calmly and then punch your teeth down your throat and call you a bitch for crying! So get out there and drop the 11.50 on a 3d movie.. unless you only have one eye! Then don’t go see it. SPOILER ALERT! This movie SUCKS FOR ONE REASON! NO MILLA BOOBIES! I’m sorry, I just didn’t want your hopes crushed as mine were. Oh yah, and remember all those Milla clones? its awesome. Oh, and watch the credits, someone special who I know I didn’t forget shows back up. Resident Evil 5? Oh fuck yes, please and thank you!

The Score.

• Milla  A+++
• Fake Made up Characters F
• Boobies F-
• Chaos  A+
• Zombies  A+
• Blood  A+
• Gore  A+
• Action  A+
• 3D (for 2 eyed people only)  A+
• Video Game like Mini-Boss  A+
• Claire  A+
• Memories of Whip Cream Bikini A+++
• “OH THERE THEY ARE” Characters A

 

Overall scoring is easy, I give it a straight A. This movie was as good as the second if not quite as scary. It watched like a video game, as I think they should at times. Milla was hot, Ali was hot. Oded is StillOsOded. Zombies Gore Violence, MAYHEM! God has shined His Light on Capcom. This gold mine is a crazy train that wont stop till the sun comes up bitches!

Before we part, I want to emphasize just how real zombies are, and I beg you all to take precautions to protecting yourself. If watching Milla kill them, and playing the games is not enough to teach you, please seek out educational guides in order to survive the Zombie Apocalypse!  The tools for your survival are there for you to read and become acquainted with. If you don’t, you’re just zombie food. Remember that. But remember also what I’ve said. Better you than me. I’m fucking prepared. Bet on it.

Good, Evil, and Stupidity

Questions on good and evil always persist. Today we won’t necessarily talk about definitions, but the source, the root of all evil, where it started, how it survives, and what we do to keep it alive with our stupidity! But first, i have some news.

I use the follow up graphic because i was too lazy to make an update one. So rather than saying UPDATE! which would be far more appropriate, I will instead use follow up.. as in, this is a follow up to my post about the countries of the world that I did back in February while the olympics were going on. Namely one country, Canadia. I talked about how very few things in this world that are good ever came from canadia. I recently discovered something that has come from Canadia that I for one, simply cannot live without. 

My BlackBerry. I can’t live without it, and if you have one, you know what I’m talking about. It is quite possibly the worlds finest creation of all time in the history of the world. times infinity. plus two. pi.

I use this damn phone so much, for lots of different things, but the number one way i use it is to look up porn be able to check my email for important work related type things. The company who makes these are from Canadia, and so, I have to add that to the very short list of all good things that have come from Canadia.

In case you forgot what else is good in this world that has come from the great white north, lemme refresh your memory!

 

Hockey came from canadia. And it is one of the finest of all sports.  Its not played by pussies like baseball. And fighting is allowed. it is quite possibly the perfect sport.

 

Dirtdog 4x4 who makes these sick ass cargo straps I have on my jeep. They’re from Canadia, and its a fine product and I love it more than I love crunchy tacos, and that says a fuckin LOT ok!?

 

Pamela Anderson also came from Canadia. if you don’t like her, I don’t care who you are, there’s something wrong with YOU. I love her, like Borat, and she loves me too. One day she’ll respond to my letters.. or else.

So thats it! Thats all Canadia is good for, eh?! So thats now 4 things that that place is good for, but four goddamned GOOD things! So, I raise my glass of koolaid to you, canadia! Good job!

Thats it.

 

Moving on.

The root of all evil is not Canadia. They have nothing to do with evil, insofar as I know. But they might, who knows? No no, this post goes out to all the ladies in the world. You know you’re it. The one, the only.. the root of all evil. And guys, you, and I, and every other male on this earth, is a fucking idiot. Congrats, now before we talk about WHY, lets follow the rules.

Yo sound the bell, schools in sucka!

I am a male, and I know the full extent of my brain power. It is not a high capacity, just like every other male in the world. I do know one thing most don’t though, and that is the truth. Its what I specialize in. And because of my vast knowledge of the truth, i could be the only male on this earth to justify the root of all evil, and though I’m like every guy and have said “That chick is evil..” – I can actually vouch the evilness to be real, and logically anchored in fact. It is through my many years of perfecting bar hopping and listening to such inspirational speakers as the Reverend MC Hammer. Thats how bitch. Lets do this this.

We’ll start off with a history lesson. Its called the beginning of the earth. I’m not talking about what science class teaches you was the start of the globe.  Nope, I’m sorry, but I just cannot accept the fact that all the right molocules that no one has a clue where they came from, came together at the exact right moment, and BOOOM! Life. Hence the big bang theory. Thats the stupidest shit I or anyone else has ever heard of, so fuck science class and fuck you Darwin. You’re all full of shit and I’d rather see you fall down on a bed of nails than have to listen to your retarded rhetoric. Please take your over opinionated selves somewhere else.

No my friends, I’m talking about God. He’s THE Man. The one and only. I’ve heard many women say that God could easily be a woman. This is a falsehood that is perpetuated through lies and evil. The facts are in the good book. How do we know God is a man? Because every story of God and the beginning the world say God made MAN in HIS image. This includes Muslims and Jews too. They say the same shit. So sorry ladies, you’ve been debunked. With logic and fact.

So God makes the world, why? Because He is God and he fuckin can. Take that. People say that makes no sense. These people are retards. Lets face it, if you ask someone if they were God what would they do? Most people would not say “Make Heaven and Earth” – oh no, they’d buy whatever they wanted. They’d make themselves invisible, they’d fly. They’d go where they wanted, they’d have a nice house, they’d enjoy the girls dressing room at the gym. Whatever, the answers are all the same though, and that is, “I’d do whatever the fuck I want.” And thats exactly what the real God did. Makes perfect sense. So God makes earth because he can and then he decides to make a guy, his name is Adam. He makes birdies, and cows, and chickens, gives Adam a fucking sweet place to live. Adam goes about his routine, but he’s lonely. Every species has a companion.. except Adam. Why? Because God knows that to make a female would be TROUBLE. But Adam is a bitch and gets tired of whacking off, and asks God for a hoe to hang with. God is reluctant. He tells Adam it will be hard, and cost him an arm and a leg to make. Adam says shit, thats a lot. What can I get for a rib?

And then God made woman. He knew it was a bad idea from the get go, but he did it anyways, because God is a fucking awesome guy and wanted to make poor lonely Adam happy. He calls her Eve. Because the eve is when you’re loneliest and want some nookie.

Life is then good. 

Then God’s arch enemy, the devil decides he’s gonna cause some trouble, because, see though God is rad, he is like any other dad and he makes rules you have no clue why you have to follow. So he says, look, you can do as you like, life rules. But don’t eat a fuckin apple!

Adam says, Why, pops? “BECAUSE I FUCKIN SAID SO AND I’M THE BOSS!!!” Adam retorts with, “You got it, i fuckin hate apples!” Enter the devil. He says, aieet, Adam and God are tight. I can’t break that relationship, because Adam is a loyal dog. That shall be his undoing. So he finds Eve. It went a lil something like this:

Yo Eve.

Hi.

You look damn fine.

*Blushing* Thank you, Mr. Snake.

No, I’m serious, you’re so hot, I’d love to take you out..

Oh but I have a husband.

He’s a lucky guy.

*blushing!* You’re so nice!

Know what’d look great on you, other than me?

*still blushing* What’s that?

Apple juice on your chin. Saw this chick in the other Garden of Eden doing it, it was so hot. I mean, she wasn’t as hot as you, not even close, but that apple excriment dripping down her chin.. OmG it was so fuckin hot. You should try it out.

We’re not allowed to eat apples! :(!!!!

Says who? Your man? Pshh, he’s just trying to hide how hot he thinks it is.

Well yah, my man, and God.

Nother example of trying to keep women from being as hot as they can be, thats cool, i mean, if you wanna be kinda homely and not as desireable as you totally could be. I mean, I’d still hit it but you know.. Whatever and all. Its all good, don’t worry, your still hot.

FUCK ADAM! I’m not HIS bitch! I’m gonna do what ever the fuck I want! *omnomnomnomnom!!!* Apples are fuckin good, you compliment me more than my man, Mr. Snake.

You bet I do, well I gotta go baby, you go back to your man now.

So Eve then, with apple cum running down her chin goes back to Adam and she, now that she is empowered by the fruit of knowledge, tells Adam, “Eat this.”  Adam inspects. Oh hell no, God said not to!!! “I’M YOUR WIFE!!!! YOU WILL DO AS *I* SAY!!!!!”

“Nope, not a chance, God said no, so I say no!” At this point, woman uses what women use to get guys to do as they want. Sex. Eve, being completely naked, she grabs a breast, and smiles, she rubs up against Adam, “Baby, do you want this?” Adam, being a guy, “OH FUCK YES I DO!!!” Eve, being evil: “THEN EAT THIS!” Adam, thinking with the wrong head.. GIMME THAT FUCKIN APPLE!

This was Adam’s first mistake, he did what he was told to do, because of the promise of sex.  God then comes down to earth and is like, Dude, wtf? – Adam’s response: “She made me do it God!!!” Adam’s second mistake, blaming a bitch. Everyone knows you can always blame a bitch but it doesn’t matter because you should have KNOWN not to trust a bitch! And so, man kind was exiled from the Garden of Eden.  

Now lets break it down. You might be thinking, this is not Eve’s fault! But you’re wrong, and we’ll talk about why.

First off, Eve knew not to eat the apple, no matter who or what said. In the history of the world, we’ve constantly seen women who want to break rules set down by someone smarter than them. Sure we’ve seen men do this too. How can we blame women for man’s poor actions? Same way women want to claim the good stuff. Ever hear, Behind Every great man, there’s a woman telling him what to do? I know you have. Well guess what, behind every bad one, theres at least one chick telling him what to do. The fact is, women like to be bossy and tell guys what to do, and since we like to please women, and we want to continually get laid, we do as we’re told. Its easier that way. Apples are not the worlds greatest fruit. Sure, they’re ok, but because of what Eve did with that thing, it automatically makes them the most heinous of all fruits. This is also the reason why I don’t use Apple computers. Apple computers are like women. They’re constantly trying to take credit for every cool thing out there and everything wonderful in the world, and like women, they also lie. This is why I chose windows. Tried and true. Sure they don’t always work, and yah they can get viruses if you look at too much porn, but its a risk worth taking. Its what makes looking up porn EXCITING! Ever think of that? Nope, you didn’t. But now that I tell you that, it clicks.. OH YEAH, the light is on. Window’s for life.

Maybe if god had made something not worth eating be the forbidden fruit it would have been easier to ignore the temptation to eat it. Something really nasty, like litter box tootsie rolls. OR greenbeans. Lets face it, if there is a veggie that is straight evil from the get go, it is a green bean. They should never be consumed, and only force fed to terrorists as a nice alternative to waterboarding. Maybe its just me. But back to the task at hand. Apples are good, but their not THAT good. Truth.

Eve was tempted by the devil. Would you be? Of course you say no, who would be tempted by the Devil? 

If I was walking along and this guy told me to do something, I’d be so scared out of my mind, I totally wouldn’t do it, fuck no, I’d turn and run! Eve should have turned and ran, but she didnt. Oh no, she had a nice talk with him, why? Because he complimented her. Every girl in the world is sucked into conversation by some asshole who is telling her she is attractive and what not. Eve’s first sin was not eating the apple, it was vanity. But she didn’t talk to this guy above right? She talked to a snake. Going back to my post on FEARS you know that snakes are one of the scariest things on earth right? Ok, ok, maybe you need a refresher course.

This is the guy that Eve talked to. Now, I can totally understand why she would hold a conversation with him, can’t you? He’s so innocent and pleasant looking, its no wonder why she trusted him!!

Dear Eve, you’re a bitch. you fucked everyones life for all eternity up becasue you talked to WHAT? Women continue to talk to snakes, though. I know I personally have seen who an ex ended up with after me, and lets face it, he’s a snake. Guys are always trying to snake their way up some girls skirt, and many many girls will let them, because their vanity makes them inherently evil. Thats right ladies, its not your fault you’re evil. Its Eve’s fault. But with the proper dose of the truth, you could all be made to not be SO evil. But, girls don’t want to listen to anyone, they are independent, they are WOMAN HEAR THEM ROAR!! So the evil persists. And we let it happen. Men, we’re retards. Thats right boys, we’re not innocent by any means. And now its time to insult ourselves with the truth.

Women are evil, we know that, we’ve always known it, and yet we LET them be evil, because lets face it.. other guys are just not attractive. Sometimes we get a strong  resolve to resist them, much like adam did, and then what happens? They use their weapons of mass destructions under their clothes to lure us in. Talk about shock and awe! IF you’re married then you know, the shock is that your wife wants to have sex, and you’re in awe over the possibility. What little IQ you had before is now gone. Idiot.

I myself am a bit smarter than the average male, but even i cannot resist an opportunity to get my freak on with an attractive lady. Even if she has devil horns. 

Now, women, who are all steaming over the truth that has proved their unstoppable evil, are grinning, evilly, as you deny your own stupidity, guys. Let put it to you this way? Have you ever dated bitch? And did you put up with her shit? Wasn’t that stupid?

The fact is we’re all after the same goal. Pleasure. Sex, happiness, sex, crunchy tacos, cars, money, fame, sex, women. Guy’s will do anything for one thing, and that is the picture you see here.

We all want that really hot girl,  and we want her smiling, and more so we want her smiling at US! This is not easily achieved. We have to put up with a lot of bullshit to get to the endzone on this one. And we will gladly do it for the promise of her weapons of mass destruction that she keeps concealed under her clothes.

We will do it at all costs even if they piss us off endlessly. And they will piss you off endlessly. They do it because they can, just like God does what he does because he can. Because women ate the fruit of knowledge before us, they are, without a doubt far superior in brain power. They can use us to do great things, or to do terrible things, but the point is, they can use us to do ANYTHING because they have the knowledge, and the power to do it. And they have the free will to do it. Women are in charge boys, because we have made it so. I’m not saying I’m for taking the power back. Hell no, I too fall into the terrible stupidity of males to do what I can for the all loving nookie. its in the man’s code book after all. 

“Never piss off the provider of your nookie, else your nookie will be revoked.”

I know it is, becasue I’ve actually written the book. Soon to be in a Barne’s and Noble near you! Adam was the first man, but he is also a typical guy. he did what he had to do to get laid and keep his pretty lady smiling at him, even if by doing so he allowed her to take all power, embrace evil, and in turn, set the standard for all men to be straight up dumbasses.

Its a fact of life boys, just as women cannot help that they are evil, we too cannot help that we are, in fact, retarded. There is a simple truth in all this though, and here it is. Were it not for Eve, and her desire to be more important than her man, and her vanity at taking a compliment from another guy and letting herself be manipulated by a scary beast, we’d all be in the garden of evil right now, and we’d be playing nude volleyball with Pamela Anderson. That is a fact.

Instead we’re stuck with our wives and girlfriends who will only get naked when they want you to do something for them.. (which if you’re smart, you do REALLY well, so they’ll want you to do A LOT OF SHIT for them!) and the random naked person we might get to see on the street. And that person on the street… well thats rarely pretty.

Motivation.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.