Hookers.

Title says it all. Today we’re going to talk about something that I wonder on a regular basis. Yes, that is in fact about hookers. Hookers are something that really seem to baffle me. Why you ask? Because I fucking said so. I can’t answer all your questions in one fell swoop and make this shit only one paragraph long. Get the fuck real. We gotta turn this into an epic fucking grudge match of awesomeness. So why wait? Pay the pimp and lets fucking get it on!

There comes a time in a mans life when he knows he shouldn’t open his big fucking trap. Then he does so and it gets him in to a big fucking pile of steaming horse shit. This is one of those times. Should I really discuss my credentials when it comes to hookers? I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Will I? Fuck no. However, I will say.. I have paid for sex. Ahh fuck, look what I just stepped in.

So what if I’ve paid for it. You haven’t? Well fuck you. We’ll get to that part later though, there’s a lot to cover with hookers. I could go on for days, but we don’t have days to waste, especially with Valentine’s Day coming up.

That didn’t even tie in together naturally, but I made it work. Why? Wait and see. Tired of the tension yet? Well then open your wallets and lets get busy.

First off, can someone please tell me that why is it the oldest profession in the world.. is illegal?  I mean really, should it even be illegal? You’re thinking, “Yes! Yes critic, it should be illegal!” but you are in fact, wrong!

Well lets discuss. Why should prostitution be illegal? Explain to me the reasons. Here you have a woman or a man, but since I’m a guy, and a straight one, we’re only going to talk about female hookers..so you have a woman who sells sex. This is such a fucking travesty that it should be illegal.?? Why? How is she doing something any different than anyone else. Lets use examples:

For Christmas, since none of you fuckers bought me anything, I decided I would buy myself a new TV. I went out to a few different stores. I looked. I..shopped. I looked at all the different brands, I looked at different stores. I looked and looked and looked. I settled on one. In case you’re wondering, I chose a 55” LG LED. It fucking kicks ass. So LG made my tv, who then sold it to the store I bought it from who then took my money and I took my fucking tv home. See that, everyone gets money and I get a service. This is a fucking great thing. Hookers are no different. They provide a service and offer it out for money, a fucking cool service I might add.. and if you want that service.. you go buy it. Just like a TV. How is that a fucking problem?

Truth is, that’s not a problem. I know a guy who, just like he’s seen Reservoir Dogs too many times, refuses to tip. His logic states that no one forced that girl who is your server.. to be a waitress. Sure she may make all her money off of tips.. but no one told her she had to have that job. The same can be said for hookers. This does not include illegal sex slave trade that happens in other unspeakable parts of the world. Like China.

They don’t count because they hate us anyways. Bastards.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? They call it Sin City there. It really is. If you’ve never been, you’ve probably been living under a rock your entire pathetic fucking life. So, if you’re looking for another bucket list item, if Las Vegas isn’t on there.. wake the fuck up and add it. Goddamn. Anyways, since we’re going to pretend you’ve never been to Vegas, lets just talk about the hookers there.

THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Literally. And figuratively. You go, and there are guys in the streets handing out flyers for hookers. You can collect them like adult hooker baseball cards if you like. At least the pictures on them are cooler than baseball anyways, because as we all know.. baseball is fucking horrible.

If you’ve been to Vegas, as a male.. you’ve probably been propositioned. God knows I have. Once I was going up to my room.. some time around about 4 am I think. I’d finally had enough. Tough to believe? I know. Anyways, there she was standing at the elevator. She asked me where I was off to, I said to bed, she says to me, “Without me?” “Sorry sweetheart, I don’t have to pay for it.” “Oh, goodnight then.”

Ya its that fucking easy. What did you think? You’d have to travel the streets in a shady part of town to find them? Fuck no, they’re in the nice casinos and shit. They’re waiting for you, they wanna fuck and make their money. And in Vegas, they’re allowed. It should be that way everywhere.

Saying you can’t fuck for money is ridiculous. That’s like saying PORN should be illegal. Well its not. Even if you’re stupid enough to think it should be, you’re wrong, and its not illegal nor will it ever be whilst this motherfucker here is running for president. That’s a campaign promise to you right there.

Porn stars fuck for money, yet porn is not illegal. How is this different than hookers? Why can’t I fuck a professional fucker without having to worry about being arrested? Unless I’m in Vegas that is. Why? This makes absolutely no sense. They aren’t doing anything wrong as far as I can see it.

Lets look at the downside shall we? Other than being arrested, losing your job, family, jail time where then you become a hooker, and the loss of a great deal of money if you are arrested… what’s the downside of going out and finding a hooker?

I can’t really think of any accept for MAYBE one.. and that’s a big maybe… and that is:

Pimps are fucking scary. You go out and nab yourself some tail and here's a guy who claims to own this bitch and you have to make sure you pay her or his ass is gonna come after you with a gun. And there’s a chance the motherfucker could bust in and demand more money from you while you are plowing said hooker. That’s a terrifying thought to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a little bit of voyeurism and putting on a show for someone at times, but when someone has a gun pointed at me and is demanding more money for sex, well I just don’t think I could perform under those circumstances.

That’s a lie, I probably could, I’m just Jewish and wouldn’t want to give up more money.

But there is good news. From what I can tell, from my limited knowledge into this field of…whatever. Yeah, so, you don’t even need to deal with a pimp anymore. They place ads for themselves everywhere. Used to be you could find these bitches on Craigslist. But then craigslist apparently went porn free. Maybe it was after that guy went out and killed a shit ton of people that he met through craigslist ads.. I don’t know when it happened, but the sad reality is, craigslist no longer supports whores.

But there is a solution my friends, its called backpage.com. Yeah, you’re fucking welcome. All the whores in the world went to backpage to post their services. Its really not that hard to find.

Not that I know anything about it, but I’ll give you what I imagine is a play by play on how to find a hooker near you. Again, its not like I know anything about this or anything, but you go to the page, backpage.com and find the escort section.. and there you have it. Done and done. Anyone could figure this out, right?

Right?

It almost makes it too easy though. No longer are the days where you have to troll through a shady side of town looking for a girl who looks like a whore, who isn’t a cop.. who also looks clean enough that you actually want to stick your dick into her. I mean, really, we’ve all seen Law and Order, doesn’t matter which version of it you saw, it had a whore on it at some point in time. That’s because New York is filled with whores. But there is good news my friends, you do not have to go to NYC or Las Vegas to find a good quality whore. They are in your town. You see them everywhere. You don’t have to deal with a pimp, you don’t have to troll through a shitty side of town to find one, you don’t have to negotiate on the sidewalks wondering if cops are watching. Its all down through email, webpages and telephone calls. Pretty fucking easy right?

So with all this in mind, lets look at our original question again. Why is this illegal? Its easily available, and readily even. There are no face to face meetings that are needed anymore… its easy to avoid pimps..

Here’s how I look at it. Lets say you go out and meet a girl. You have a great time together and end up back at your place. You then get down and dirty and fuck like pornstars. What happens next? They wanna cuddle, they wanna talk. They want to tell all their friends how great of a guy she just met and YES! OMG! They DID IT! *blushblushblush*

That’s how it goes down nearly every time. What does a guy want? He wants to find a hot chick, fuck, maybe have a smoke, maybe a beer.. but definitely a nap. So in truth, you’re not paying a hooker for sex. You’re paying her to keep her fucking mouth shut after sex. No cuddling, no talking, no telling her fucking friends how good or bad you are or aren’t in bed.

There’s the truth. A man pays a woman, not for sex, but for keeping her mouth fucking shut after sex. That’s not illegal. So hookers should not be illegal.

Hookers have many uses. I mean, sure they really only have just one use, and that’s ok too, but they really do have many uses. Say you’re a lonely guy who hasn’t had a date in a long time. You have trouble meeting women. You’re shy. You’re.. awkward. Dude, a hooker is your answer. You want some companionship for a little bit. You want to get laid. Since you’re alone and don’t have a wife or girlfriend spending all your money, you have a couple extra bills to your wallet. A hooker is the way to go.

Or perhaps you’re a married guy. As we all know, it is a statistical fact that married people don’t have sex. I feel sorry for married people. You may know what its like to be married and not having sex. You know what I’m saying. Well a hooker is the way to go. They’re discreet. They’re as cautious as you are.. kinda. I mean, they’re advertising their twats for cash and all, but they also don’t want to go to jail, just like you. So, you’re in a sexless marriage and your wife may or may not be a raging super cunt. What do you do? Well, you could cheat. Find yourself a mistress. A girlfriend. This is not a good idea. Why? Because rarely will a mistress or girlfriend be ok with just being that. Eventually they’re gonna want the whole kitten caboodle. They want the happily ever after sexless marriage that you’re so desperately trying to flee from. But you don’t want alimony. Or child support. Hookers. A hooker doesn’t want to be your friend. She doesn’t want to call you at bad times when you’re sitting down with your in-laws. No, a hooker wants to fuck and then she wants you to pay her to shut the fuck up so she can go have a beer and a smoke and maybe take a nap. A hooker can save your marriage, because as we all know, the greatest way to blow off steam is to fuck. And in a sexless marriage you wanna get yours somehow.. and eventually whacking off in the shower just loses its fucking appeal. Fact.

Hookers dude. Here’s the real kicker, are you ready for it? You may want to sit down for this one, its gonna hurt.

Zing! Didn’t see that shit coming, did you? Now, if you’re a woman reading this, and you likely are, since my demographic is about a 60/40 split with women being the bigger fan of me than men, you’re probably shaking your head and thinking, “oh you sonovabitch!” And you’re goddamned right. Get pissed ladies, but the truth is, though you don’t want to be called a hooker, or prostitute, or whore.. the simple fact is… you want to be treated like one.

Let it settle in. Think about it. Really think about it deeply for a second.

You still don’t believe me. I get it. Get mad. Now its time to get dowsed with the motherfucking truth. Here’s what women so adamantly want from a man. They want to be asked out. They want to be taken out and shown a good time. Dinner. Dancing, Movie. Drinks. Whatever. Here’s the real kicker. THEY DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR ANY OF IT!

No, that’s a mans job. A real gentleman will wine and dine a lady. Open doors and pay for it all. We all know this, we accept it, and the ones of us who are decent with the ladies even do it. Then, after a good time, and getting along, and the man paying for it all.. then and ONLY then will a woman decide she is going to sleep with him.

A man’s date perspective is much simpler:

• Find hot chick, ask out
• Take shower
• Fill up car and pick her up (money spent)
• Buy chick dinner (money spent)
• Go to (enter activity here)
• Pay for chick to do said activity with you (money spent)
• Go get drink, nightcap (money spent)
• Drive girl home (money/fuel spent)
• If all goes well, have sex

Look at all that money spent. You figure gas, activity, drinks, dinner.. a date for a guy easily turns into a $100+ and that’s if a guy actually buys something like flowers or not.

All of that he willing does for the promise, the hope, the slim chance that he may actually get to have sex with that girl. Now some girls don’t give it up right away. You have to repeat this process multiple times BEFORE you get to sleep with them. That takes lets say a 100$ night, times 3 or 4.. now you’re looking at a man having spent multiple hundreds of dollars JUST TO HAVE SEX.

One phone call to a hooker and some money later.. and you’re having sex. You pay for sex. If you’re married, the same holds true. Lets say you’re a married man who makes $40,000 a year salary. Now lets say you have a healthy sex life for a married person and you have sex once a week. With the exception of the one week a month that the woman unnaturally bleeds for a week and doesn’t die. Ok, now we’re going to do some math. 52 weeks in a year. Minus 1 a month (12) = 40 weeks in a year. So, if you’re married you know that your wife pretty much controls all of your money, and you let her do so willingly. Happy wife happy life and all that bullshit. So she spends your 40,000 a year on food, bills, gas.. getting her hair and nails did. Whatever the fuck she wants, she spends your money. So you PAY your wife $40,000 a year for her happiness, and her happiness is equal to the amount of times you have sex. If you have sex once a week, except the bad week. Every month of the year, you’re having sex 40 times a year. That means you’re spending $1,000 every time you have sex. Congratulations, John.. you’re wife is one expensive ass hooker.

You may not be a hooker by legal terms, but in reality.. you’re all fucking hookers. And we are all fucking hookers. It’d just be nice to get to fuck a professional hooker without knowing there’s a possibility we could go to jail. As I said to a friend who was going to Reno some time ago: There’s no sex like pro sex.

Make it legal. We’re already paying for it anyways.