Hookers.

Title says it all. Today we’re going to talk about something that I wonder on a regular basis. Yes, that is in fact about hookers. Hookers are something that really seem to baffle me. Why you ask? Because I fucking said so. I can’t answer all your questions in one fell swoop and make this shit only one paragraph long. Get the fuck real. We gotta turn this into an epic fucking grudge match of awesomeness. So why wait? Pay the pimp and lets fucking get it on!

There comes a time in a mans life when he knows he shouldn’t open his big fucking trap. Then he does so and it gets him in to a big fucking pile of steaming horse shit. This is one of those times. Should I really discuss my credentials when it comes to hookers? I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Will I? Fuck no. However, I will say.. I have paid for sex. Ahh fuck, look what I just stepped in.

So what if I’ve paid for it. You haven’t? Well fuck you. We’ll get to that part later though, there’s a lot to cover with hookers. I could go on for days, but we don’t have days to waste, especially with Valentine’s Day coming up.

That didn’t even tie in together naturally, but I made it work. Why? Wait and see. Tired of the tension yet? Well then open your wallets and lets get busy.

First off, can someone please tell me that why is it the oldest profession in the world.. is illegal?  I mean really, should it even be illegal? You’re thinking, “Yes! Yes critic, it should be illegal!” but you are in fact, wrong!

Well lets discuss. Why should prostitution be illegal? Explain to me the reasons. Here you have a woman or a man, but since I’m a guy, and a straight one, we’re only going to talk about female hookers..so you have a woman who sells sex. This is such a fucking travesty that it should be illegal.?? Why? How is she doing something any different than anyone else. Lets use examples:

For Christmas, since none of you fuckers bought me anything, I decided I would buy myself a new TV. I went out to a few different stores. I looked. I..shopped. I looked at all the different brands, I looked at different stores. I looked and looked and looked. I settled on one. In case you’re wondering, I chose a 55” LG LED. It fucking kicks ass. So LG made my tv, who then sold it to the store I bought it from who then took my money and I took my fucking tv home. See that, everyone gets money and I get a service. This is a fucking great thing. Hookers are no different. They provide a service and offer it out for money, a fucking cool service I might add.. and if you want that service.. you go buy it. Just like a TV. How is that a fucking problem?

Truth is, that’s not a problem. I know a guy who, just like he’s seen Reservoir Dogs too many times, refuses to tip. His logic states that no one forced that girl who is your server.. to be a waitress. Sure she may make all her money off of tips.. but no one told her she had to have that job. The same can be said for hookers. This does not include illegal sex slave trade that happens in other unspeakable parts of the world. Like China.

They don’t count because they hate us anyways. Bastards.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? They call it Sin City there. It really is. If you’ve never been, you’ve probably been living under a rock your entire pathetic fucking life. So, if you’re looking for another bucket list item, if Las Vegas isn’t on there.. wake the fuck up and add it. Goddamn. Anyways, since we’re going to pretend you’ve never been to Vegas, lets just talk about the hookers there.

THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Literally. And figuratively. You go, and there are guys in the streets handing out flyers for hookers. You can collect them like adult hooker baseball cards if you like. At least the pictures on them are cooler than baseball anyways, because as we all know.. baseball is fucking horrible.

If you’ve been to Vegas, as a male.. you’ve probably been propositioned. God knows I have. Once I was going up to my room.. some time around about 4 am I think. I’d finally had enough. Tough to believe? I know. Anyways, there she was standing at the elevator. She asked me where I was off to, I said to bed, she says to me, “Without me?” “Sorry sweetheart, I don’t have to pay for it.” “Oh, goodnight then.”

Ya its that fucking easy. What did you think? You’d have to travel the streets in a shady part of town to find them? Fuck no, they’re in the nice casinos and shit. They’re waiting for you, they wanna fuck and make their money. And in Vegas, they’re allowed. It should be that way everywhere.

Saying you can’t fuck for money is ridiculous. That’s like saying PORN should be illegal. Well its not. Even if you’re stupid enough to think it should be, you’re wrong, and its not illegal nor will it ever be whilst this motherfucker here is running for president. That’s a campaign promise to you right there.

Porn stars fuck for money, yet porn is not illegal. How is this different than hookers? Why can’t I fuck a professional fucker without having to worry about being arrested? Unless I’m in Vegas that is. Why? This makes absolutely no sense. They aren’t doing anything wrong as far as I can see it.

Lets look at the downside shall we? Other than being arrested, losing your job, family, jail time where then you become a hooker, and the loss of a great deal of money if you are arrested… what’s the downside of going out and finding a hooker?

I can’t really think of any accept for MAYBE one.. and that’s a big maybe… and that is:

Pimps are fucking scary. You go out and nab yourself some tail and here's a guy who claims to own this bitch and you have to make sure you pay her or his ass is gonna come after you with a gun. And there’s a chance the motherfucker could bust in and demand more money from you while you are plowing said hooker. That’s a terrifying thought to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a little bit of voyeurism and putting on a show for someone at times, but when someone has a gun pointed at me and is demanding more money for sex, well I just don’t think I could perform under those circumstances.

That’s a lie, I probably could, I’m just Jewish and wouldn’t want to give up more money.

But there is good news. From what I can tell, from my limited knowledge into this field of…whatever. Yeah, so, you don’t even need to deal with a pimp anymore. They place ads for themselves everywhere. Used to be you could find these bitches on Craigslist. But then craigslist apparently went porn free. Maybe it was after that guy went out and killed a shit ton of people that he met through craigslist ads.. I don’t know when it happened, but the sad reality is, craigslist no longer supports whores.

But there is a solution my friends, its called backpage.com. Yeah, you’re fucking welcome. All the whores in the world went to backpage to post their services. Its really not that hard to find.

Not that I know anything about it, but I’ll give you what I imagine is a play by play on how to find a hooker near you. Again, its not like I know anything about this or anything, but you go to the page, backpage.com and find the escort section.. and there you have it. Done and done. Anyone could figure this out, right?

Right?

It almost makes it too easy though. No longer are the days where you have to troll through a shady side of town looking for a girl who looks like a whore, who isn’t a cop.. who also looks clean enough that you actually want to stick your dick into her. I mean, really, we’ve all seen Law and Order, doesn’t matter which version of it you saw, it had a whore on it at some point in time. That’s because New York is filled with whores. But there is good news my friends, you do not have to go to NYC or Las Vegas to find a good quality whore. They are in your town. You see them everywhere. You don’t have to deal with a pimp, you don’t have to troll through a shitty side of town to find one, you don’t have to negotiate on the sidewalks wondering if cops are watching. Its all down through email, webpages and telephone calls. Pretty fucking easy right?

So with all this in mind, lets look at our original question again. Why is this illegal? Its easily available, and readily even. There are no face to face meetings that are needed anymore… its easy to avoid pimps..

Here’s how I look at it. Lets say you go out and meet a girl. You have a great time together and end up back at your place. You then get down and dirty and fuck like pornstars. What happens next? They wanna cuddle, they wanna talk. They want to tell all their friends how great of a guy she just met and YES! OMG! They DID IT! *blushblushblush*

That’s how it goes down nearly every time. What does a guy want? He wants to find a hot chick, fuck, maybe have a smoke, maybe a beer.. but definitely a nap. So in truth, you’re not paying a hooker for sex. You’re paying her to keep her fucking mouth shut after sex. No cuddling, no talking, no telling her fucking friends how good or bad you are or aren’t in bed.

There’s the truth. A man pays a woman, not for sex, but for keeping her mouth fucking shut after sex. That’s not illegal. So hookers should not be illegal.

Hookers have many uses. I mean, sure they really only have just one use, and that’s ok too, but they really do have many uses. Say you’re a lonely guy who hasn’t had a date in a long time. You have trouble meeting women. You’re shy. You’re.. awkward. Dude, a hooker is your answer. You want some companionship for a little bit. You want to get laid. Since you’re alone and don’t have a wife or girlfriend spending all your money, you have a couple extra bills to your wallet. A hooker is the way to go.

Or perhaps you’re a married guy. As we all know, it is a statistical fact that married people don’t have sex. I feel sorry for married people. You may know what its like to be married and not having sex. You know what I’m saying. Well a hooker is the way to go. They’re discreet. They’re as cautious as you are.. kinda. I mean, they’re advertising their twats for cash and all, but they also don’t want to go to jail, just like you. So, you’re in a sexless marriage and your wife may or may not be a raging super cunt. What do you do? Well, you could cheat. Find yourself a mistress. A girlfriend. This is not a good idea. Why? Because rarely will a mistress or girlfriend be ok with just being that. Eventually they’re gonna want the whole kitten caboodle. They want the happily ever after sexless marriage that you’re so desperately trying to flee from. But you don’t want alimony. Or child support. Hookers. A hooker doesn’t want to be your friend. She doesn’t want to call you at bad times when you’re sitting down with your in-laws. No, a hooker wants to fuck and then she wants you to pay her to shut the fuck up so she can go have a beer and a smoke and maybe take a nap. A hooker can save your marriage, because as we all know, the greatest way to blow off steam is to fuck. And in a sexless marriage you wanna get yours somehow.. and eventually whacking off in the shower just loses its fucking appeal. Fact.

Hookers dude. Here’s the real kicker, are you ready for it? You may want to sit down for this one, its gonna hurt.

Zing! Didn’t see that shit coming, did you? Now, if you’re a woman reading this, and you likely are, since my demographic is about a 60/40 split with women being the bigger fan of me than men, you’re probably shaking your head and thinking, “oh you sonovabitch!” And you’re goddamned right. Get pissed ladies, but the truth is, though you don’t want to be called a hooker, or prostitute, or whore.. the simple fact is… you want to be treated like one.

Let it settle in. Think about it. Really think about it deeply for a second.

You still don’t believe me. I get it. Get mad. Now its time to get dowsed with the motherfucking truth. Here’s what women so adamantly want from a man. They want to be asked out. They want to be taken out and shown a good time. Dinner. Dancing, Movie. Drinks. Whatever. Here’s the real kicker. THEY DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR ANY OF IT!

No, that’s a mans job. A real gentleman will wine and dine a lady. Open doors and pay for it all. We all know this, we accept it, and the ones of us who are decent with the ladies even do it. Then, after a good time, and getting along, and the man paying for it all.. then and ONLY then will a woman decide she is going to sleep with him.

A man’s date perspective is much simpler:

• Find hot chick, ask out
• Take shower
• Fill up car and pick her up (money spent)
• Buy chick dinner (money spent)
• Go to (enter activity here)
• Pay for chick to do said activity with you (money spent)
• Go get drink, nightcap (money spent)
• Drive girl home (money/fuel spent)
• If all goes well, have sex

Look at all that money spent. You figure gas, activity, drinks, dinner.. a date for a guy easily turns into a $100+ and that’s if a guy actually buys something like flowers or not.

All of that he willing does for the promise, the hope, the slim chance that he may actually get to have sex with that girl. Now some girls don’t give it up right away. You have to repeat this process multiple times BEFORE you get to sleep with them. That takes lets say a 100$ night, times 3 or 4.. now you’re looking at a man having spent multiple hundreds of dollars JUST TO HAVE SEX.

One phone call to a hooker and some money later.. and you’re having sex. You pay for sex. If you’re married, the same holds true. Lets say you’re a married man who makes $40,000 a year salary. Now lets say you have a healthy sex life for a married person and you have sex once a week. With the exception of the one week a month that the woman unnaturally bleeds for a week and doesn’t die. Ok, now we’re going to do some math. 52 weeks in a year. Minus 1 a month (12) = 40 weeks in a year. So, if you’re married you know that your wife pretty much controls all of your money, and you let her do so willingly. Happy wife happy life and all that bullshit. So she spends your 40,000 a year on food, bills, gas.. getting her hair and nails did. Whatever the fuck she wants, she spends your money. So you PAY your wife $40,000 a year for her happiness, and her happiness is equal to the amount of times you have sex. If you have sex once a week, except the bad week. Every month of the year, you’re having sex 40 times a year. That means you’re spending $1,000 every time you have sex. Congratulations, John.. you’re wife is one expensive ass hooker.

You may not be a hooker by legal terms, but in reality.. you’re all fucking hookers. And we are all fucking hookers. It’d just be nice to get to fuck a professional hooker without knowing there’s a possibility we could go to jail. As I said to a friend who was going to Reno some time ago: There’s no sex like pro sex.

Make it legal. We’re already paying for it anyways.

Driving

It’s a new fucking year. Hell its almost February. Hell it might actually be Feb before I manage to get this shit put up. Who knows? What I do know is for the month of January I’ve been doing a lot of things, and I should tell you about them. First, I did a lot of sleeping. Secondly, I played a shit load of video games.

I’d wake up and say, hey, self! We should write a blog today! FUCK YAH WE SHOULD SELF!! Ok, Its fucking ON! Wait self. What’s that self? Its.. its.. our Xbox. Shit. Well just ONE game… Next thing you know I’ve been at it for 9 hours, the sun is gone and all I can think of is, “When did it get fucking dark outside?”

Winter is sort of like this for me. I find the winter months in the land locked hell hole to be unbearable. Its too fucking cold to go outside, and I’m too fucking uninterested in being fucking cold to be fucking outside in the cold fucking weather. I just used fucking a lot in that sentence. That’s how you do it with profanity. It drives home a point. Speaking of driving, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. But first we have something more important than driving.

Its 2012, and as promised, I, your Presidential Candidate from the Truth Party, am here to bring you some truth on how to survive this year, as I promised I would in my last blog. Yeah, I didn’t forget bitches!

Surviving the zombie apocalypse which will take place this year is a serious business, there have been many books written on the subject matter, but only one that  you really need to read. Its my personal bible. THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE, written by the genius Max Brooks. Todays tip for survival comes from a section on terrain types. Open your bibles to page 133.

Forest. When hunting, watch for freshly eaten carcasses. Try to determine if the predator was an animal or a zombie. Also, use the trees to extend your visibility: Each one can serve as a lookout post or sniper platform. Set fires only as a last-ditch effort.

There you have it. Remember, the critic is the one presidential candidate you can trust. He keeps his promises.

Now we’re about to talk about drivers. They’re everywhere and through hard study of them, I’ve become an expert concerning them. Ready to cock this shotgun of truth and blow a hole in 2012? Fuckin a, lets do it.

I learned how to drive. I drive often. Like daily. Even on those days where I play way too many video games for way too long, I still manage to drive. Why? Because I eventually need food, and the critic does not cook. Also, sometimes I run out of Mt. Dew. So yes, I drive a lot, and I live in the concrete jungle, the heart of evil, right next to a fucking mall, so I see drivers. A fuck ton. And I drive along side them, and scream at them, though it never does any good. But if it did, I would educate them all. Much like I’m going to educate you… right now.

Drivers, they’re everywhere, and if you’re like me, you know they all suck. They are the worst thing in the world that you have to deal with on a daily basis except for herpes. At least you can control your herpes, but these fuckers you have to deal with in your car you can’t just put medicine on and let them flare down after a particularly bad night at the local whore house. No, these motherfuckers you can’t help legally, and the only way you can really think would help them, you, and society in general, is by putting a bullet through their fucking forehead and finger painting with their brains.

But you can’t do that, and we can’t talk about that here. Hit up the email if you want stories. That’s bad, very bad!

Bad drivers come in all shapes sizes and sexes. That’s right ladies, I’m not just going to sit here and berate you as a shit hole driver, but the simple fact is, you’re worse than men typically, but there are some guys who are the fucking worst.  We’ll start with him.

The Let Me Drive! Guy

This is the guy you see who is a total dick. I don’t mean he’s a dick like the critic is, where he makes fun of the other people and thinks about world domination and how he’d like to kill the fucker in the car in front of him. No this guy is driving with his wife, daughter, girlfriend, mistress, grandma, mom, whatever. The drive is going good, but he’s probably yelling at the bitch who is behind the wheel about what a moron she is. He’ll likely beat the shit out of her later and follow that up with roses, but that’s besides the point. Inevitably at some point during her poor driving and his asshole riding, he’s gonna tell her, “Look bitch! Just let me drive!” She in turn will be like, “Chad, please, its fine, I’m fine, just be calm..”

But Chad isn’t calm, and he’s not going to put up with this shit any longer. What does he do? He reaches for the wheel like the cunt rag he is. This causes a swerve and me, in my deluxe Nazi Slaying Jeep, I start screaming. FUCKING CUNTS GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!

Look, Chad.. if you want to drive, don’t let your bitch get behind the wheel. Yah she sucks at driving, she has a vagina. Don’t be that guy. Either let her drive or don’t but you can’t half ass it and try to kinda take over driving like the USA did with Iraq. Ok, you’re still in the drivers seat.. but I gots da wheel. For now. Till I say so. K? Good. *spit* This guy deserves a double tap with a shotgun.

Your Grandma

She might have been a decent driver at one point in time, back when people still had horses and buggies and shit. But now she’s old and she shrunk. I suppose this goes for your grandpa too, but he has something your grammies doesn’t. Since he is male, he was a better driver before he got bad. Grandma was a shitty driver to start, since she was a woman, and therefore it only deteriorated.

Look, I may be living in a land locked hellhole, but I didn’t start here. I started in the state of Florida, the state of Retirement. Its not the land of beautiful people like you might think, it’s the land of OLD people. Why should we not let these people drive? Because they’re dangerous. It’s a straight up fact of the world that if you CANNOT SEE OVER THE STEERINGWHEEL .. you’re dangerous. Like having sex with a hooker in Taiwan. Its that fucking dangerous.

Not only can Grandma not see, but she can’t find the accelerator either. Because every fucking old person on the road has a serious fucking problem when it comes to the goddamned speed limit. Or maybe its just that their eyes have gotten so bad, or the steering wheel so big that they misread the signs. Hey, it happened on an election ballot in Florida once upon a time. That’s two Florida references in just a couple short paragraphs. Fuckin A.

The I’m Too Scared To Merge! Guy

This is the guy who infuriates me more than anyone else on the road. Minus women who drive a Prius. There are certain catch phrases I find myself screaming in the car the most:

1. MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY
2. GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD
3. SPEED THE FUCK UP
4. MOVE YOUR FUCKING PRIUS

Those are the main ones. The guy who pulls out on to the interstate driving at 40 miles per hour when the speed limit is clearly marked at 75 MPH clearly needs to have all his fingernails pulled off one by one until he learns where the gas pedal is. I mean really, not only is this dangerous, but its also something that gets in my way and pisses me off, and when that happens, people get run off the road and I flash my super awesome middle finger. Inevitably the guy next to me flashes one back until I brandish a weapon and then he gets scared and I drive off feeling better. So the next time you’re merging, you might want to remember to STEP ON THE FUCKING GAS.

Women

Yep, I went there. You’re bad drivers. Its not your fault, its society’s fault. We have accepted the fact that you suck at driving and that there is no hope, and so much do we ignore it that we actually try to make the gentler sex feel better by making her have lower rates on her insurance which is just fucking outrageously stupid. I know more women who have been in accidents than men. I know more women who suck at driving than men. It’s a proven fact, if you have a vagina and breasts, there is a 87% chance you will suck at driving.

Why do women suck at driving? What do they have to work with here as role models for one. Look at what the youth of this world looks up to. Look girls, you’re never going to learn a thing from this cunt who is too busy texting her doctor for more herpes medication (more vd references! SCORE!) calling some random guy to put his cock in her ass, while intoxicated, and trying to decide where she will park and get out and flash the world her over used and highly abused vagina.

They have too much to do. Duh. Look the modern woman is an anomaly to men around the world. We can’t fathom having to put on make up, change our outfits twenty times before leaving the house. We do not understand accessories. We can barely wear matching socks half the time, we’re never going to understand why you have to match the head band to the scarf, which matches the highlight tones of your nails, which have the same shine to them as your belt which matches your shoes, that go perfectly with your pants which compliment your ass because your shirt is just long enough to where it hugs just above the belt line which accentuates your hips just right to give you that perfect shape. Not to mention the fact that your bra has to be colored matched to not show, unless you’re a whore or a stripper who wants the world to see her bra, or the outfit calls for the bra to be seen.. which set of panties you have to wear to make sure there are no lines, yet seem modest but sexy at the same time.

We don’t get that shit. I own 3 shirts. Fact. I wear them at least 4 times before washing them. Unless it rains, then I’m getting another 2 uses out of them first. Simple fact of the matter is because you have so much shit going on, it makes it virtually impossible for you to make it to work on time, and thus, the advent of the rear view mirror, side mirror, or beauty mirror comes into play. You have to use those precious moments extra after you leave home to talk on the cell, to finish your make up, drink your coffee, eat your breakfast and STILL drive at the same fucking time. Its amazing you survive one commute, yet you do it daily. You are superhuman annoyances to the rest of us who just want to make it to work safely so we can be pissed off about the fact that we’re not retired for the next 8 hours before we have to once again take our lives in our own fucking hands and brave the streets where you are, in your car, making life a scary place.

There is a solution though. If its going to take you that long to leave home, why don’t you just start getting ready sooner so you can actually focus on not killing all of those around you. Its like I always say: Women; can’t live with em… can’t shoot em.

Cats

Who the fuck lets their cat drive anyways? What the fuck is wrong with these people? I see this shit at least once a week and it infuriates me to no end. The asshole who lets his cat drive is the same asshole who makes all those fucking cat pictures where they speak like retards and thinks that its cute. The only help for this guy is to put him out of his misery.

The Critic

That’s right, though I’m not above the law, I fucking should be. I need my own lane on the road because of all the rage I have. It can’t be stopped. If I drive for ten minutes you can bet your ass that inside me burns the heat of a thousand fires of hell, the fury of which cannot be dowsed by any amount of water. Once I'm finished on a long drive, I need at least 7 hours to recuperate and settle down, or else someone is going to die.

What bugs me the most is people just not getting out of the fucking way like they should. If you can’t do the speed limit, that’s ok.. I have a 1966 Jeep Nazi Slayer with a zombie slaying bumper on the front, and a top speed of 55 mph. I understand the whole not going fast thing. Know what I do when I drive that thing other than slay Nazis and zombies? I stay out of the fucking way of other people. It’s common fucking courtesy. I’ve got a little bit of it. Because the rest of the time, I’m trying to bomb my way as fast as possible, because lets face it, the faster I go, the less chance I have of seeing a woman driver who is really just on the road with one mission and one mission only: TO FUCKIN KILL ME.

If you know one thing about me, you know that I absolutely love brownies. If you know two things about me, there’s the brownies thing, and then there’s the fact that I hate cops. Look, I don’t want these motherfuckers in my way either. So what if I go a little bit faster than the posted speed? As far as I’m concerned, its none of your fucking business how much faster I decide to go. People who drive slower and do not get out of the fucking way are the ones who need tickets, not the guy who is trying to make everyone else’s commute faster and easier with less stress. So fuck you slow pokes. Know what I want to ask a cop every time he says “Do you know how fast you were going?” –“Not as fast as you did to catch me, are you gonna write yourself a ticket?”

But the fact is, I pussy out every time. Because I don’t want to go to jail and become some bad man’s bitch. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s some pretty fucking sound logic.

Now remember the laws of the land and drive safe, bitches.