Hookers.

Title says it all. Today we’re going to talk about something that I wonder on a regular basis. Yes, that is in fact about hookers. Hookers are something that really seem to baffle me. Why you ask? Because I fucking said so. I can’t answer all your questions in one fell swoop and make this shit only one paragraph long. Get the fuck real. We gotta turn this into an epic fucking grudge match of awesomeness. So why wait? Pay the pimp and lets fucking get it on!

There comes a time in a mans life when he knows he shouldn’t open his big fucking trap. Then he does so and it gets him in to a big fucking pile of steaming horse shit. This is one of those times. Should I really discuss my credentials when it comes to hookers? I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Will I? Fuck no. However, I will say.. I have paid for sex. Ahh fuck, look what I just stepped in.

So what if I’ve paid for it. You haven’t? Well fuck you. We’ll get to that part later though, there’s a lot to cover with hookers. I could go on for days, but we don’t have days to waste, especially with Valentine’s Day coming up.

That didn’t even tie in together naturally, but I made it work. Why? Wait and see. Tired of the tension yet? Well then open your wallets and lets get busy.

First off, can someone please tell me that why is it the oldest profession in the world.. is illegal?  I mean really, should it even be illegal? You’re thinking, “Yes! Yes critic, it should be illegal!” but you are in fact, wrong!

Well lets discuss. Why should prostitution be illegal? Explain to me the reasons. Here you have a woman or a man, but since I’m a guy, and a straight one, we’re only going to talk about female hookers..so you have a woman who sells sex. This is such a fucking travesty that it should be illegal.?? Why? How is she doing something any different than anyone else. Lets use examples:

For Christmas, since none of you fuckers bought me anything, I decided I would buy myself a new TV. I went out to a few different stores. I looked. I..shopped. I looked at all the different brands, I looked at different stores. I looked and looked and looked. I settled on one. In case you’re wondering, I chose a 55” LG LED. It fucking kicks ass. So LG made my tv, who then sold it to the store I bought it from who then took my money and I took my fucking tv home. See that, everyone gets money and I get a service. This is a fucking great thing. Hookers are no different. They provide a service and offer it out for money, a fucking cool service I might add.. and if you want that service.. you go buy it. Just like a TV. How is that a fucking problem?

Truth is, that’s not a problem. I know a guy who, just like he’s seen Reservoir Dogs too many times, refuses to tip. His logic states that no one forced that girl who is your server.. to be a waitress. Sure she may make all her money off of tips.. but no one told her she had to have that job. The same can be said for hookers. This does not include illegal sex slave trade that happens in other unspeakable parts of the world. Like China.

They don’t count because they hate us anyways. Bastards.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? They call it Sin City there. It really is. If you’ve never been, you’ve probably been living under a rock your entire pathetic fucking life. So, if you’re looking for another bucket list item, if Las Vegas isn’t on there.. wake the fuck up and add it. Goddamn. Anyways, since we’re going to pretend you’ve never been to Vegas, lets just talk about the hookers there.

THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Literally. And figuratively. You go, and there are guys in the streets handing out flyers for hookers. You can collect them like adult hooker baseball cards if you like. At least the pictures on them are cooler than baseball anyways, because as we all know.. baseball is fucking horrible.

If you’ve been to Vegas, as a male.. you’ve probably been propositioned. God knows I have. Once I was going up to my room.. some time around about 4 am I think. I’d finally had enough. Tough to believe? I know. Anyways, there she was standing at the elevator. She asked me where I was off to, I said to bed, she says to me, “Without me?” “Sorry sweetheart, I don’t have to pay for it.” “Oh, goodnight then.”

Ya its that fucking easy. What did you think? You’d have to travel the streets in a shady part of town to find them? Fuck no, they’re in the nice casinos and shit. They’re waiting for you, they wanna fuck and make their money. And in Vegas, they’re allowed. It should be that way everywhere.

Saying you can’t fuck for money is ridiculous. That’s like saying PORN should be illegal. Well its not. Even if you’re stupid enough to think it should be, you’re wrong, and its not illegal nor will it ever be whilst this motherfucker here is running for president. That’s a campaign promise to you right there.

Porn stars fuck for money, yet porn is not illegal. How is this different than hookers? Why can’t I fuck a professional fucker without having to worry about being arrested? Unless I’m in Vegas that is. Why? This makes absolutely no sense. They aren’t doing anything wrong as far as I can see it.

Lets look at the downside shall we? Other than being arrested, losing your job, family, jail time where then you become a hooker, and the loss of a great deal of money if you are arrested… what’s the downside of going out and finding a hooker?

I can’t really think of any accept for MAYBE one.. and that’s a big maybe… and that is:

Pimps are fucking scary. You go out and nab yourself some tail and here's a guy who claims to own this bitch and you have to make sure you pay her or his ass is gonna come after you with a gun. And there’s a chance the motherfucker could bust in and demand more money from you while you are plowing said hooker. That’s a terrifying thought to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a little bit of voyeurism and putting on a show for someone at times, but when someone has a gun pointed at me and is demanding more money for sex, well I just don’t think I could perform under those circumstances.

That’s a lie, I probably could, I’m just Jewish and wouldn’t want to give up more money.

But there is good news. From what I can tell, from my limited knowledge into this field of…whatever. Yeah, so, you don’t even need to deal with a pimp anymore. They place ads for themselves everywhere. Used to be you could find these bitches on Craigslist. But then craigslist apparently went porn free. Maybe it was after that guy went out and killed a shit ton of people that he met through craigslist ads.. I don’t know when it happened, but the sad reality is, craigslist no longer supports whores.

But there is a solution my friends, its called backpage.com. Yeah, you’re fucking welcome. All the whores in the world went to backpage to post their services. Its really not that hard to find.

Not that I know anything about it, but I’ll give you what I imagine is a play by play on how to find a hooker near you. Again, its not like I know anything about this or anything, but you go to the page, backpage.com and find the escort section.. and there you have it. Done and done. Anyone could figure this out, right?

Right?

It almost makes it too easy though. No longer are the days where you have to troll through a shady side of town looking for a girl who looks like a whore, who isn’t a cop.. who also looks clean enough that you actually want to stick your dick into her. I mean, really, we’ve all seen Law and Order, doesn’t matter which version of it you saw, it had a whore on it at some point in time. That’s because New York is filled with whores. But there is good news my friends, you do not have to go to NYC or Las Vegas to find a good quality whore. They are in your town. You see them everywhere. You don’t have to deal with a pimp, you don’t have to troll through a shitty side of town to find one, you don’t have to negotiate on the sidewalks wondering if cops are watching. Its all down through email, webpages and telephone calls. Pretty fucking easy right?

So with all this in mind, lets look at our original question again. Why is this illegal? Its easily available, and readily even. There are no face to face meetings that are needed anymore… its easy to avoid pimps..

Here’s how I look at it. Lets say you go out and meet a girl. You have a great time together and end up back at your place. You then get down and dirty and fuck like pornstars. What happens next? They wanna cuddle, they wanna talk. They want to tell all their friends how great of a guy she just met and YES! OMG! They DID IT! *blushblushblush*

That’s how it goes down nearly every time. What does a guy want? He wants to find a hot chick, fuck, maybe have a smoke, maybe a beer.. but definitely a nap. So in truth, you’re not paying a hooker for sex. You’re paying her to keep her fucking mouth shut after sex. No cuddling, no talking, no telling her fucking friends how good or bad you are or aren’t in bed.

There’s the truth. A man pays a woman, not for sex, but for keeping her mouth fucking shut after sex. That’s not illegal. So hookers should not be illegal.

Hookers have many uses. I mean, sure they really only have just one use, and that’s ok too, but they really do have many uses. Say you’re a lonely guy who hasn’t had a date in a long time. You have trouble meeting women. You’re shy. You’re.. awkward. Dude, a hooker is your answer. You want some companionship for a little bit. You want to get laid. Since you’re alone and don’t have a wife or girlfriend spending all your money, you have a couple extra bills to your wallet. A hooker is the way to go.

Or perhaps you’re a married guy. As we all know, it is a statistical fact that married people don’t have sex. I feel sorry for married people. You may know what its like to be married and not having sex. You know what I’m saying. Well a hooker is the way to go. They’re discreet. They’re as cautious as you are.. kinda. I mean, they’re advertising their twats for cash and all, but they also don’t want to go to jail, just like you. So, you’re in a sexless marriage and your wife may or may not be a raging super cunt. What do you do? Well, you could cheat. Find yourself a mistress. A girlfriend. This is not a good idea. Why? Because rarely will a mistress or girlfriend be ok with just being that. Eventually they’re gonna want the whole kitten caboodle. They want the happily ever after sexless marriage that you’re so desperately trying to flee from. But you don’t want alimony. Or child support. Hookers. A hooker doesn’t want to be your friend. She doesn’t want to call you at bad times when you’re sitting down with your in-laws. No, a hooker wants to fuck and then she wants you to pay her to shut the fuck up so she can go have a beer and a smoke and maybe take a nap. A hooker can save your marriage, because as we all know, the greatest way to blow off steam is to fuck. And in a sexless marriage you wanna get yours somehow.. and eventually whacking off in the shower just loses its fucking appeal. Fact.

Hookers dude. Here’s the real kicker, are you ready for it? You may want to sit down for this one, its gonna hurt.

Zing! Didn’t see that shit coming, did you? Now, if you’re a woman reading this, and you likely are, since my demographic is about a 60/40 split with women being the bigger fan of me than men, you’re probably shaking your head and thinking, “oh you sonovabitch!” And you’re goddamned right. Get pissed ladies, but the truth is, though you don’t want to be called a hooker, or prostitute, or whore.. the simple fact is… you want to be treated like one.

Let it settle in. Think about it. Really think about it deeply for a second.

You still don’t believe me. I get it. Get mad. Now its time to get dowsed with the motherfucking truth. Here’s what women so adamantly want from a man. They want to be asked out. They want to be taken out and shown a good time. Dinner. Dancing, Movie. Drinks. Whatever. Here’s the real kicker. THEY DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR ANY OF IT!

No, that’s a mans job. A real gentleman will wine and dine a lady. Open doors and pay for it all. We all know this, we accept it, and the ones of us who are decent with the ladies even do it. Then, after a good time, and getting along, and the man paying for it all.. then and ONLY then will a woman decide she is going to sleep with him.

A man’s date perspective is much simpler:

• Find hot chick, ask out
• Take shower
• Fill up car and pick her up (money spent)
• Buy chick dinner (money spent)
• Go to (enter activity here)
• Pay for chick to do said activity with you (money spent)
• Go get drink, nightcap (money spent)
• Drive girl home (money/fuel spent)
• If all goes well, have sex

Look at all that money spent. You figure gas, activity, drinks, dinner.. a date for a guy easily turns into a $100+ and that’s if a guy actually buys something like flowers or not.

All of that he willing does for the promise, the hope, the slim chance that he may actually get to have sex with that girl. Now some girls don’t give it up right away. You have to repeat this process multiple times BEFORE you get to sleep with them. That takes lets say a 100$ night, times 3 or 4.. now you’re looking at a man having spent multiple hundreds of dollars JUST TO HAVE SEX.

One phone call to a hooker and some money later.. and you’re having sex. You pay for sex. If you’re married, the same holds true. Lets say you’re a married man who makes $40,000 a year salary. Now lets say you have a healthy sex life for a married person and you have sex once a week. With the exception of the one week a month that the woman unnaturally bleeds for a week and doesn’t die. Ok, now we’re going to do some math. 52 weeks in a year. Minus 1 a month (12) = 40 weeks in a year. So, if you’re married you know that your wife pretty much controls all of your money, and you let her do so willingly. Happy wife happy life and all that bullshit. So she spends your 40,000 a year on food, bills, gas.. getting her hair and nails did. Whatever the fuck she wants, she spends your money. So you PAY your wife $40,000 a year for her happiness, and her happiness is equal to the amount of times you have sex. If you have sex once a week, except the bad week. Every month of the year, you’re having sex 40 times a year. That means you’re spending $1,000 every time you have sex. Congratulations, John.. you’re wife is one expensive ass hooker.

You may not be a hooker by legal terms, but in reality.. you’re all fucking hookers. And we are all fucking hookers. It’d just be nice to get to fuck a professional hooker without knowing there’s a possibility we could go to jail. As I said to a friend who was going to Reno some time ago: There’s no sex like pro sex.

Make it legal. We’re already paying for it anyways.

Vegas Trip and Concert Review!

Vegas baby, Vegas. The story of my post Christmas - pre New Years is an interesting one, and with it comes an unlikely review for you all to feast your eyes, your hearts, and your minds upon. And so, it starts off with a drive to Las Vegas.

I'd like to take a moment to address something that was bought to my attention. Someone told me that I sounded angry in my posts. You, the reader, should know- that I am not that angry of a fellow. I would say this though, there are disclaimers on your right for a reason. It's all in good fun, but for just this once, I will try to make this review:

First, I'll give you a review of Las Vegas. If you've not gone before, you should be packing your bags right now, as we speak. Theres no sense in prolonging the inevitable. Go now. You can thank me later. Now, I went to Vegas for a particular reason. This time it was not the hookers, strippers and booze. Ok, so I'm lying. But I did go there for another reason, and that was the reason I've traveled many miles many times before, and it was.. A concert. Now, lets do it!

This is not my first concert, nor, I'm sure, will it be my last. I've been to amazing shows, I've booed bands off a stage. Now, this is where my credentials get a bit.. tricky. As I've surely made it fairly clear, I'm a rock music fan, and thats where the twist is. That's right, you just stepped yourself into the thickening plot of an M.Night Shamalan blog. The show I saw:

Oh yes, this group is.. what? Hiphop? Rap? Both? There in lies the oddity of it all. The fact that I'd ever even go see the Black Eyed Peas is just.. preposterous, yes? Of course, that's what is going to make it interesting. Now, before I talk about them, since I want to add some content to this blog, we'll talk about the opening band first. The opening "band" was:

Pitbull

This is a group/rapper that I'll first say, I've never heard of. After that comment, you should also know, I'd never heard any of their songs! Yes! The plot thickens! They came on with a lot of energy, they were very loud, and seemed really.. happy. Yes, happy to be on stage, grateful to be playing before the Black Eyed Peas.. and why should they not? So, they came out, happy, energetic and they were.. really quite good. Are you shocked? Probably not as shocked as I was to witness it. As we all know, many times opening bands suck the taint off of a Vegas hooker, and thus making the headliner that much better.. but this was not the case. Their songs were well performed, they stage presence was great, and they were really very good. I recommend.. and I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I recommend getting their album. Soon. Don't go now, I will be sad to see you leave.. Go after reading though. Theres not much need to delay the inevitable, but this is a keen need because you need to know all the things I'm going to say about the headliner, for it is very important. Kinda.

The Black Eye Peas

The Headliners. What can I say about them? I've never been a huge fan. I don't pretend to worship Fergie or any member of the band. Really, band seems a poor description of them.. lets call them a "Group" - so the group, I've never been a huge fan of them. Lets pretend you're like me, and you don't know much about this group, and so I, being the nice guy I am, decided that I should do the research for you and bring forth education upon us all. So, heres what I learned... Credits to the never wrong Wikipedia.

This group is composed of a few members:

• Fergie. She's tall, she's hot, and goddamn can she sing. This chick is worth seeing with or without this group. If you want to spend an hour plus salivating profusly, then go see her.
  
• will.i.am: This fellow is the brains of the group. He raps, he sings, he writes, he writes music, he plays instruments, he is the cofounder of the group and he is.. a badass.
  
• Taboo: He's a rapper, he's a singer, and he is also a cofounder of the group. Its rather tall, skinny, and he's a blackbelt in some form of martial arts. That makes me a tough bastard.
  
• apl.de.ap: This guy is the true story of the American Dream. A poor childhood, a poor upbringing, and then an amazing rise to fame, fortune, and glory. This guy is a rapper, a singer, but he can also mix music like a bad sonovabitch.
  

So now you know, and lets get on with the show!

This concert, for lack of a better word.. was awesome. Yes! The hits keep coming, the shocking tale never stops! This show was GOOD! It was really good, and did it make me a fan? Absofuckinlootly. They came on and did their singing, grouping, dancing, rapping, and all that jazz. Fergie was gorgeous.. She was, for once again lack of a better word, "Fergalicioius"

It was, from start to finish a very entertaining show. I'd actually list it in my top five for best shows I've seen. It wasn't the best, but it was better than say... Default. Yah, remember them? I do, they were good! Not this good. Moving on.

So after doing their group thing for a bit, they did a bit of solo work. That was... well it was really fucking impressive, it was.. pimptastic. First came will.i.am's gig.

He came out and freestyled for like 10 minutes straight. For all you rock listeners like me, that means he made up and rapped some shit for a long ass time. It was impressive. It was really impressive and I don't like rap.

Then up was Fergie. Did I tell you she's hot? She is like a walking orgasm. Its beautiful. She came out and did a couple songs from her solo stuff, which were ok, and they were just dandy, and she was wearing a short ass skirt. I drooled. She sang. I don't remember the words, I don't remember the songs.. ok I do, "Glamorous" and "Big Girls Don't Cry" -- but thats besides the point. What was the point? She's Fergie. It was very nicely done.

Then came Taboo. This guy came out and sat on a motorcycle made out of lightbrights, and it was raised in the air and lifted out over the crowd, where he then rapped/sang. This was absolutley rad. Anytime a performer is swung out over the crowd, its impressive! I don't remember his songs, I don't remember if he sang or rapped. I won't lie, during his performance I was mezmerized by his lightbright motorcylce and, I was checking out a hot chick in front of me the whole time. I'm male. I have priorities.

Finally apl.de.ap: This guy came on, I paid attention. He was.. rad. He came out and was raised up on a platform, he brought out a turntable and a laptop and there he mixed music for about ten minutes or so. And he didn't just mix ramdom shit that was his, he mixed a lot of shit! He started off with some beats, he added in some House of Pain, some Nirvana, Michael Jackson, -- ALL KINDS OF SHIT. It was impressive. He turned the event centre at Mandalay Bay into a club for a short while, and the crowd loved him for it.

They then reunited as a group, and the continued on with their stuff, and it was glorious. I should say that I was on the floor, not a seat. I was about six feet from the stage.. and if you've ever been in that position than you know, it is a hard thing, to have a bad show that close. But it can happen. This was not a bad show. I'll take this moment to tell a side story. While waiting for the Peas to come on stage, a mid 40's crack whore tried to push her way closer to the stage. If in this position, you know you show up EARLY to get to the stage. This dumb twat did not. So she tried to push her way to the front, but there was no more room for her, so she failed. A fellow next to me finally told her to back the fuck up, and she got... very angry. But she backed away. It was then I told him, "You should throw an elbow at her." He said to me, "I can't hit a girl!" So I retorted with, "I did not say hit her, I said throw an elbow." We had a good laugh. Then when the concert started she forcefully pushed her way back up. This crack whore started jumping about like a retard with an ice cream cone. Well, in her jumping, she was jumping into.. everyone around. Throwing elbows carelessly. Everyone was starting to get upset when, our hero, the fellow I spoke of before.. took my advice. He..threw.. an elbow.. It was glorious and that insane cracked out bitch fell to the floor! HAHAHA! I laughed like that. HAHAHAHA!!! Well then her cracked out old man showed up and tried to pick a fight but he disappeared, as everyone pushed him back out of the way. Glorious. I've never been more proud to see someone take my advice, and look at how well it worked! After that, the concert was even more wonderful.

Back to the show. Nearing the end of the concert they were all together again, the dancers were on stage, Fergie was lovely, life was grand. And so before the end of the show, during their hit song "BoomBoomPOW!" Some girl in front of me passed straight the fuck out. Not fun. Fortunatly there were a couple nurses near me, and they tried to attend to her quickly. Quicker than the paramedics showed up. Taboo took notice, taking off his glasses the first time and looking about. Then a minute or so later he saw again, and looking concerned he did motion to a stage hand and then the paramedics showed up. Pretty effn sweet to see a popular music star take concern for someone in the crowd. To that I give you props sir.

So there you have it, the complete lo-down on how it went down for the Black Eyed Peas.

• Talent
• Upbeat
• Fun
• Good live show
• Great messages
• Lots of pretty lights
• Happy crowd
• No fights
• Vegas
• Hot Chicks Everywhere
• Fergie

That's right, an A fuckin Plus. Take that rock fans. I was shocked too. I'd advise seeing them, and since the show, I'm a fan. Will I go out and get their music? Maybe so. You should too. So with that, the review is completed.

While there, I played around the Palms and Mandalay Bay. I've been in both before, and I would populate their rooms again. I'd advise you do the same. And after 3 days in Vegas, you too will be able to hang one of these on your door.

Thank you.