The State of the Union

The title says it all. Today we look into my year end review, my state of the union address. Which union you ask? I could be talking about the dismal state that the world is in.. regardless of which country you reside in. But no, that would be political, but not political enough wouldn’t you say?

No, today we’re speaking of this union. Our union.  Yours and mine. Its thriving, though you may not know it. Well guess what motherfucker? I’m here to explain all of that shit to you.

Well of course I am qualified to talk about us. Why wouldn’t I fucking be? I listen to you, I hear you, I feel you. I love you. Its true, I can’t hide my emotions anymore! I must scream to the world that you are mine and I am mine, and what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. I’m gonna take all that’s good from you and leave you a desolate lifeless shell bitch! We’re going to flourish together. You and me and me and you and since I am involved with all of that, I am obviously qualified to talk about it. Plus, I own your ass. I sell you all your bullshit lies you tell your friends. I’m sleeping with your sister. I need you as much as you need me.

But first, I’m gonna fucking bitch at you, so get ready.

Are you ready?  Well too bad, because I am, twat!

Here we are and we just passed another anniversary date. That’s right, here at the critic we’re celebrating our 2nd anniversary.  ONCE A FUCKING GAIN, you did not say congratulations, you did not say happy anniversary, you did not GET ME MY FUCKING CARD!! I’ve talked about this before. The importance of a card. It is vital. No one got me one. No one said a fucking thing. And you’ve broken my heart. Again. Just like last year. I’m going home to mothers.

So you know what? FUCK YOU. I got myself my own fucking card. I don’t need you anyways.

And its pretty. And it has roses.

Are you going? Damn right you are. I expected so much more.

Now that that’s done. That’s right hookers, the critic has officially turned two years old just a couple days ago. This is an amazing feat. Some of you are new to the critic, some of you have been here forever. And by forever, I mean before the critic.. when I blogged on gay ass myspace, or before that when I wrote about a daily journey into hell.. or even before that when I wrote a small, popular, yet very unpopular piece called “The Vato Bible” – yes, some of you have been here for a long time, and those of you are the ones who I love more than cheetos.

That’s a lie, I love cheetos most of all. But you’re a distant second place.

Moving on.

Since my run for the presidency is on, and in full swing, having won the nomination from the Truth Party, I figure it is high time I start preparing for the eventual need to give a State of the Union Address, and so I will start today, here, now, with you, and I will give my address, and it will usher us in to the new year. What a way to go out with a bang! Though I can think of another bang I’d rather have. Alas, I am a writer, and being a writer means you don’t know how to comb your hair or get a hair cut regularly. This sort of thing scares off the ladies, I’m afraid. Trust me. I know. To be a critic is to be alone. I carry a heavy weight, the world.. and all the truth that is in it depends on me. And so, I go it alone. Like Texas. NOW LETS FRY SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!

So as you pour into my reception hall, to listen to me tell you how wonderful and great of a job I’m doing, you might be thinking to yourself, fuck you critic, last year you published nearly twice as many blogs as you did this year. You would be right.. kinda.  In 2010 this site here saw the publication of 28 blogs This year.. well this would be #15. Fuck you, that’s more than one a month, and you try coming up with as much bullshit truth to talk about as I do. Its not easy. I even went through a period of writers block. Then I discovered village inn. Life was suddenly better. This year also marked the launch of our facebook site, which I do my utmost best to promote here, as I do with the facebook site in promoting this site. Do you see how both sides of our government are working together here? This bipartisanship has never before been seen in government before. But like the wind I work change together. You really want change in the government? Hire a guy who doesn’t give a flying fuck about them. That’ll turn heads. So here we are, working together as one, making some fucking magic happen. Like magic markers, like sniffing white out. This shit just got epic. How epic? On the sister site there are many of shorter blogs. Critiques, Critical Analysis’ and of course the bitching, moaning, insulting, and all out crudeness you have come to expect from the critic. That is just what I fucking do. And I do it well, and I do it to you, for you, and I’d do it with you but.. well I don’t know where you’ve been. I’m just lying here again, I’m desperate.. I’d hit it.

So the shorter blogs which you find on the critic facebook should make up for the slack we’ve seen here, since they total 27 of them. That’s a pretty fair balance. 

2011 saw a statistical rise in significance and importance.. and also recognition. On Facebook, they call you “fans” of a site, author, whatever. I don’t like to use that. No fucking way. I like to think of you as not my fan, but as my concubine. You’re my whore, I’m your john, and together we make sweet sweet love. And so, I do not refer to any of you as a fan, but I refer to you as a collective, and that collective I call:

Pretty fucking sweet huh? Yah, so now you all can tell your friends where you belong.  And how many of you are there? Its good to know there are strength in numbers. We’re currently reaching out to over 4,000 people a month, over 50 countries, and 6 continents. If that’s not fucking cool to you, you might want to wake the fuck up and slap the shit out of yourself. Because the truth is, you’re a part of this motherfuckers, you are what fuels me and keeps me writing even when it feels like I’m working too hard at it and not getting paid for it. Fuck it. I don’t give a fuck. Because you complete me.

Even if you didn’t get me a fucking card. (it’s a dick move, I’m just sayin)

So that’s motherfucking 2011. A good year for some, a bad year for others, and for the rest of us, just another fucking day in the life. Moving forward into 2012, you might be wondering what you can expect to see and year from the critic. So lets talk about it for a brief moment.  As with every year, you can expect a lot of truth. That’s what we produce in this factory of excellence. You can also count on having WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE. In case you’ve forgotten, 2012 is the year of the mother fucking apocalypse so with the pending zombie attacks, I will be here to arm you with the truth, and by doing so, with each installment of the critic you read, you will have a tip to help you survive the zombie apocalypse. I will bring that tip to you from a source of absolute power, my personal bible which I carry everywhere. At all times. Just you wait and see.

You can expect more pissed off rants, you can expect more reading about television and movies and other shit that you NEED TO KNOW to help you live. As a critic, this is what I have to do. Its in my blood. It would be in my soul if I had one. And if I had one YOU WOULD BE MY FUCKING SOULMATE!

Finally, lets ditch all this boring political sounding shit, and brush on a topic I’ve wanted to hit for a while.

PAMELA FUCKIN ANDERSON!!!!!!!!

No wait, that’s not what I meant when I said there was something I wanted to hit. Well it is.. but its not. Yet it fucking is. Oh yes it is. Canada’s greatest export.

No I meant the movies. They are entertaining and they are fantastic. I love going to the movies for many reasons. First off, I get to shell out a fuck load of a lot of money for something that will only cost me a dollar at home to see in three months. At the movies I can’t pause them to go have a smoke, take a piss or to walk my dogs.

The movies when you think about it, pretty much suck. If you’re at a movie you’re really interested in, inevitably there is someone who is talking when you don’t want them to. But if you’re like me and you watched way too much Mystery Science Theatre 3000, then you’re ready to laugh at anything that comes on the screen, and you want the rest of the people around you to appreciate it the same way you do. Yet they don’t. They tell you to hush.. shh.. or straight up shut the fuck up. Once I was at the movies with a fellow who was talking, and the guy behind us leaned forward and said: If you don’t shut your fucking mouth, I’m going to stab the shit out of you.

That’s right, people in the land locked hell hole are violent motherfuckers. And mostly hicks. So they’d prolly do it. Assholes. So, needless to say, the 4 of us stood up and offered him an old school ass whipping in front of his wife and kid. He shut up afterwards and didn’t have another thing to say. Strange that. Ahh well, yet I digress. So there are motherfuckers who talk to much, sometimes its you sometimes its someone else. There is always that asshole who DOESN’T TURN OFF HIS FUCKING PHONE. That guy deserves to be hung. I mean really, if you want to talk on the phone, stay home and transform yourself into a 13 year old girl. They love the phone just like you, you pedophile fuck rag.

There’s the horrible popcorn, the coke that cost you’re the same as last months rent, and my favorite:

The crying child.

I don’t have kids, but if I did, I wouldn’t take them to a rated R movie where there will likely be tits, ass, fucking, swearing, fucking swearing, and violence. This is how you teach young children to grow up and become serial killers. Yet people do this. Often. Regularly. And the worst part is not the fact that I know someday in the future I’ll have to defend myself from this maniac, but more so that at some point this kid is going to cry, scream, and make me want to bash their head in with a shovel. Seriously, if you own children, do the rest of us a fucking favor and don’t bring them to the goddamn movie theatre. I had to sell my kidney to come see this subpar piece of shit that I’m regretting and wishing I’d bought a prostitute instead, but you’ve just made it worse by bringing your fucking kid. And I fucking hate you for it.

So lesson learned, wait for redbox, netflix, or some bastard to put that pirated shit on the interweb. Thanks again, Al Gore!

So lets wrap this up, shall we? Once again with this piece I’ve demonstrated why I’m better suited for the task of the president. The State of the Union address normally happens sometime in January so the president has time to get with this personalized awesome writers so he can tell you what a wonderful fucking job he’s doing, even though if he were actually doing a wonderful fucking job we’d already know it and not need him to tell us WHY he is good at his job. Fuck you sir, we know you’re a piece of shit. Every last one of you, because you have to remind us that you did something impressive, that is direct proof that you haven’t done a damn thing right. That’s why as we blast off into the new year, an election year at that, the critic is rocketing into his world wide coverage and dominance, armed with a Legion of Truth and a fine case of indigestion and he will bring this motherfucker to the ground.

So enjoy your last few days of the last good year on earth. Starting January 1 we prepare for the Zombie invasion. And unlike all other presidential candidates, I am here for you, arming you with what you’ll need to survive: knowledge. Now lets go get our drink on, maybe if you get drunk enough I can take advantage of you and we can blow the last of this shit hole year to smithereens together!

Happy New Year, motherfuckers!

Ruined.

We all fucking know that the internet,  was first developed by Al Gore. Thank you, Mr. Gore.  As we all know though, the internet was invented for three things and three things only.

1. So assholes like me can push their opinions on people and make them believe it’s give them the light of truth.
2. Youtube. You know you watch it. Religiously, often. And you fucking love it you lushes.
3. Porn. Don’t try and convince me you don’t read it, watch it, look at it, enjoy it. I know differently.

But you, you asshole motherfuckers. You have ruined the internet. You know how you are, and you know what you did. Its not ok, and we’re not going to be putting up with it. Its not porn, its not opinions, and its not fucking you tube. Goddamn it, where do you think you’re getting off here making shit like this. Well its not ok, and I for one am not going to let you get away with it.

I know what is and what isn’t cute. I do, I swear it to you with all my fiber. You however, have this idea of what is cute, and you are wrong. Let us start from the beginning.

cute

/kyut/ [kyoot]

adjective, cut·er, cut·est.

1. attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.

2. appealing and delightful; charming: What a cute toy!

3. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.

4. mentally keen; clever; shrewd.

noun

5. the cutes, Informal . self-consciously cute mannerisms or appeal; affected coyness: The young actress has a bad case of the cutes.

Dictionary.com tells us that much. Now I know what you’re thinking; what dear critic, what does the man code dictionary say?

Well allow me to enlighten you.

Cute is a reference to a woman, generally. If she is cute she is:

1. Attractive

2. Not attractive enough to be considered “hot”

3. Definitely fuckable.

That’s man code. Obviously now you see that I have proven myself fully in command when it comes to the knowledge of what is cute and what isn’t. Thus now that my credentials are sound and I have proven myself a genius in said category, it is once again time to revert back to what we’re talking about here.

The internet, it was invented for freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of video, and freedom of pornography. Then you came along, you sick sad motherfucker, and you ruined it.

How you ask? Easily, you ruined it with pictures like this:

That’s not cute, its disgusting. People think kittens must be cute, because there are thousands of pictures of them floating around the web. Its like a fad that should have never been. Like Hammer Pants. Yah, you had some, I know you did. Don’t fucking lie to me. The thing about kittens is, though they are cute, when you write something on said picture and you make it sound like they are retarded, you have thus rendered the picture not cute. Furthermore, when you misspelled the words on said picture, purposely, you made it even worse. Basically, you’re saying cats talk like they are retards.

Cats are not retards, they are cunning instinctive killers that would rather claw out your fucking eyeballs than snuggle with you. The only reason they deal with humans at all is because you feed them, and that brings us to our next point. If cats were humans, they’d be obese. That’s right, most cats would be unattractive 400 lbs land monsters. You know its fucking true, and further more, they are all obviously inbred bastards since they can’t speak right to save their lives. They have no jobs, and are living off of welfare. Thank God the government will take care of us all!

I really hate these pictures. They’re fucking awful.  Recently, I posted a picture on Facebook that was a cat showing off his massive balls, someone got offended. OFFENDED! To me they said: Lets do this to you and then we’ll all laugh. Well fuck yes you would, my balls are tiny. You wouldn’t laugh, you’d be in awe, bitch! So basically, what I’ve discovered is, not only do you retards out there who make these awful fucking pictures think they are cute, but you adamantly defend them. Well fuck you very much. Sure you’re entitled to your opinion..even though its wrong. Not my fault. But seriously, why do cats have to speak like retards? I think that’s what makes the pictures even more fucking unbearable. Perhaps if the pictures were made in such a manner to make the cats look intelligent they might be better. Lets face the truth together now, we’ll take a walk down the path of enlightenment. I fucking hate cats. Look, the fact is they’re kinda worthless. They don’t even look happy to see you. I have 2 dogs, both of them who are lazy as fuck. They won’t get a job, even though its up to me alone to knock out the rent every month which I find to be terribly unfair. But whatever, at least when I get home after a day at the office they are happy to see me. Scratch that, maybe they’re not happy to see me… but they fucking pretend REALLY well to be happy to see me, and it has me convinced so who fucking cares? I’m happier when they lie to me anyways, just like women. Women are very good at lying to me, why? Because its easier than the truth. Well I’m good with that too. So my lying asshole lazy unemployed dogs pretend to be excited to see me. So what? So I give them more food and water and don’t put their asses out on the street is what, cock sucker! Cats don’t do that shit. You’re probably saying, my cat does. I’m sure. Everyone has this amazing feline companion that makes their entire world complete. That’s why cats have such a good reputation, right? Now I’ll admit it. There are exceptions to the every rule.. but they are exceptions, not standards.

So, I’ve devised a fail safe system to end all retarded kitty cat pictures on the internet. BEHOLD!!!! THE POWER!!!!

Will it blend guy would be cumming in his fucking pants if he saw this shit, you know its fucking true. And if you don’t know who he is… wake the fuck up and get out of your cave. Fuck, man.

www.willitblend.com

 

I’m sure PETA will be up my ass for this, but I don’t fucking care. They are goat lovers anyways. And I mean goat lovers in the sense of literally, they fuck goats. The need that shit. Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad.

That was a good joke, fuck you. So fuck you cute cat loving PETA ass fuckers. Know what else I have for you, PETA? You murder shit just like the rest of us. And you ingest that shit just like the rest of us too, so fuckin a man, get out of my goddamned fucking sandbox!

As with every other blog I’ve written, I think this shit out thoroughly and let it never be said that I don’t try and cover all my bases. So, with this one, I tried to make my own cute animal pictures. I’m not sure how it went, but I didn’t just do it with cats, oh fucking no, I used all kinds of animals. Wanna see? Of course you do, you need it. You need it bad. And I’m here to give it to you, I’m gonna give it to you good.

For my first attempt I tried an obscure animal you don’t see get a lot of publicity. Anteaters.

I’m not exactly sure what anteaters do.. other than eat ants. But I know that ants are annoying as fuck, and therefore they should be eaten. I’ve tried it before, its ok, its at least as good as ramen. Notice the correct spelling and what not. He also doesn’t speak in pluralsisis’s.

For my second attempt, I tried a canine, but so I don’t seem racist or anything, I didn’t use my own canines. I showed off some ethnic love too, by picking one from Africa. I thought it was great.. reviews showed it was not well received. Ahh well. I used some slang in there, but to avoid racism, I didn’t make him speak in plurals.

 

Since that didn’t seem to work too well, apparently the picture wasn’t cute. Maybe, I thought, maybe only felines are cute. So I picked a feline as you can see here, on attempt number 3. I couldn’t find one playing with string or anything, so I figured I’d just make it as honest as I could. Again, didn’t have that “cute” factor that everyone seems to be going for these days.

This experimenting took its toll on me. I was having no success. Obviously I was distraught. I was downtrodden, and I was also depressed. And so, with a great deal of reluctance, I decided finally I would try to make cute cat pictures with real, lovable, every day house hold kitties. Again though, I could not make them speak like retards, because that just seems wrong.

The first one, I know what you’re thinking.. Oh my God critic! That cat is so fucking cute! Riiigghhtt? Yah, you see, kittens can never be cute because they grow up into cats. So no matter how “cute” you think they are, the premonition of knowing how they will eventually turn out keeps them from ever being cute. Fact.

And so, it is with these failed attempts at being “cute” that I formed my opinion, and brought us to this point. So here is my plea: STOP FUCKING PUTTING “CUTE” KITTY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET!

or I’ll blend your cat. no shit man, it’ll happen.

The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund

Today I had a desire, one desire only, and that brought me to where I am, looking like the starving writer that I am, because though the truth is important, its also cheap. Like your mom.

That desire was simple, but it was wonderful. Pie. I needed pie like you need the sauce. Really fucking bad. So here I came, to VI. Village Inn. I recently met someone who did not know what Village Inn is. I was in shock, I was sullen, I was down mothafuckin trodden. And then the spark of life and truth and everything I stand for hit me, and I introduced said person to VI. And yes, there was pie. So for those of you out there who have never heard of Village Inn, let me first say: where have you been your whole life? Living under a rock? Now for you who haven't heard of it before you should know its kind of like Denny’s.  But better. With a SHIT LOAD of pie. So now you know. I came here for pie and a hot cock cocoa. Life would be better if I could smoke here, but the land locked hell hole state government and the fruity fuck ass lickers who live here decided that cigarette smoke is bad for them and they didn’t want to smell it while they ate and therefore they voted and banned it. The power of stupid people with opinions oppressing the smarter people of the world who just want to be left alone with their cigarettes and smokers cough is amazing. Moving on.

As you may have learned if you pay attention to anything in the media, the poor sad Kim Kardashian recently filed for divorce. This was because she was married to a dickwad who didn’t appreciate her for what she is: A bitch probably rich hot chick with herpes I’d guess a TV show and a fat ass millions of dollars in the bank, a fat ass beautiful smile, sex tape pretty hair, and a luscious posterior. She is this pirates primo booty beauty, and so, after reading about lots fall out around her 72 day marriage and how unpopular she is becoming, it is left to me, the critic, to bring her relief, and therefore I have created this relief fund for my love, Kim Kardashian.

This should be good. Really fucking good. You’re asking yourself what possible credentials could I possibly have that would make me qualified to write about her and what would bring her relief? Easy. I’ve been stalking her for 6 years. The last time I broke into her house I even wore a whipped cream banana hammock, regrettably the guards tackled me and called the police. Also I know what women want. No, not really, that’s a straight up lie. It’s a proven fact that not even women know what women want, which is what makes that movie with Mel Gibson so infuriating. Ever notice how Mel was normal until he made that movie and then he became the jew and woman hating fuck rag he is today? All after making the movie WHAT WOMEN WANT. You see the fact is, if you try to know what women truly want, you will in fact lose your mind like Mel Gibson. That info can be found on Web MD.com I think.

Regardless, the real truth is, I don’t know what women want, and I’m so poor with them I can’t even keep a girl interested in me for more than a very short time. This includes but its not limited to my exwife. Oh well, fuck em. I’m pretty ok with me anyways, and that’s what makes my credentials sound. I’m male, and I’m an opinionated one. This is my house motherfucker and I’m fucking king of this castle. If you don’t like it, build your own goddamn castle, but just remember, if you do, I’m going to siege it. And steal your gold… and booty. Because everything can take a pirate twist and don’t you fucking forget it pal!

Now what the fuck am I talking about? I’m talking about the hottie Kim Kardashian. Move over Pam Anderson, there’s a new sheriff in town and she isn’t a Canadian Import like Canada Dry.

Look guys, being rich isn’t easy. You wouldn’t know because you’re poor as fuck. Being so hot that the melting of the polar ice caps is blamed on you openly in the media… How could you know what that’s like? That’s pressure and stress that no normal person could ever live up to. Fortunately for Kim she is super human and bred with the strongest of hot bitch genes. And they are big jeans, because she has an enormous huge wide ass. Did you see? Genes and jeans.. play on words. Ok fuck you it was a bad joke. Kiss my ass. No wait, don’t go, I love you. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m afraid of the dark.

Are we ok? Are you sure? Ok. Good.

Anyways what were we talking about? Ahh yes, the stress of being awesome. You see, I feel for Kimmy because I understand what that pressure is like, being awesome myself. Granted I may not be attractive or cut like Thor or anything, but I am popular beyond all my wildest dreams. Which isn’t that impressive because usually I dream of Cheetos. Whatever.

The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund was created as a way to help Kim know that she’s not alone, nor does she ever have to be alone again. Because here Kim, here I am. For you and only you. Fact: I am not rich unless you consider personality. In which case, I am still not rich. I am, however a know it all fuck, but if you want to always be right, that’s ok, because you can afford to buy me my Lotus Elise I’ve been craving for the last 7 seconds since I just thought it up.

Why would Kim choose a fucker like the critic? Easy. She married a guy who was half black half white, which seems to be a good mix breed of things, hell I’m not a racist, go for it and get down. But the truth his, he is a basketball player, I say player because he is not a star. This fucker is not Jordan. He’s not even the cheap imitation of Jordan: Kobe.  No sir, he’s a mediocre professional athlete which means he’s stronger and more athletic than I’ll ever be. But athletes don’t ever work out. Especially ones in the NBA which is on strike. That’s right, the real reason why their marriage failed? HE IS A FUCKING BUM! If you’re not working, how can you afford to do all the great things that Kim likes to do. Like feed her enormous ass. And go to the beach. You can’t. Dear jerk who stole the love of my life for 72 days: Get a fucking job. Asshole. Hell I’m glad he fucked up, that makes Kim more readily available for me. Ha! The Critic is not black or half black. All of her previous relationships have been with black stars. This is nothing against the color thing, its just that she doesn’t realize her preference is really for a skinny white guy with no athletic abilities. Oh and I can’t rap either.

But we do make quite the handsome couple, there can never be any denying that. As you can see from the pictures here, the couple dates we did go on made me so happy, I was all smiles. She was all hotness, like normal, and all huge ass, but I’m down with that. Feed the posterior.

I do have some things going for me that those other cock suckers didn’t though. First off, I have half a brain that can fathom something other than any particular sport. I also think about sex and drinking. Those fuckers have no idea. I may not be able to rap, but that’s just like being a poet. Face the facts, good poets are women, or gay, or E.A. Poe. And that guy was morbid and used to fuck dead bodies, so whatever, maybe I don’t want to be a poet. You see these things are not against me, they’re working for me, because Kim, you need to try something new, something that will be everlasting! Which in case you were wondering how long everlasting is, its like.. more than 72 days, at least. Prolly around a year or so. I’m ok with a year.

But I know something those pro sports stars don’t- the definition of happiness. Happiness is having a shit load of money, your own TV show, awesome cars, money in the bank. I have all those things. I would like all of those things, and for that I’d make a really shitty pool boy, but I am pretty good arm candy, don’t you think? Also remember what life is like without the critic. Unbearable. It’s a proven fact that can be cross referenced with FOX News that previous to meeting me, Kimmy was a depressed, sad rich girl with an awesome house and everything anyone could ever want. But after she me, the critic, she became infused with the truth and the truth can bring on lots of happiness. It can also cause clinical depression and lead to suicide, but who cares about that shit?

The fact of the matter is, without me, there is no happy Kim Kardashian, but with me, she is the bubbly happy girl that other girls envy. She is the same girl who poses for Playboy and makes all the guys drool, and makes a calendar every year that we all buy with our saved up allowances. (Thanks mom!)

So now, lets look back at why the critic is the perfect mate for Kim.

• Like Kim, he sucks at relationships
• Like Kim, he is divorced
• Like Kim he is awesome
• He is rich
• He is cut like Thor
• He has a great personality
• He is a smart ass
• He has no ass and she has an over abundance of it
• He has ambition

Oh that’s right motherfuckers, I’m not done with this shit yet. I’m going to twist it now, are you ready? Buckle your seat belts and hold on to your sombreros its time to get crazy.

I’ve got more ambition than most people, and I know how to use that for my future. As you all know by now, our Army of truth seeking assholes grows every day, and with that, it fuels my election campaign. That’s right Kim, you may have a nice house now, but wait till you see my future house. It looks a little something like this:

She interested now.

You all know I launched my official campaign for president of the US of motha fuckin A last year in October. It was there I showed you my experience as a politician, motivator and leader. But there’s more to do, because 2012 is upon us, and its time to defeat our opponents in a 300-esque manner that will make them scream and cry for their mama’s, suck their thumbs and disappear into obscurity where they fucking belong.

Well to give you an update just over a year later, the campaign is going strong, and we’re gaining steam every day. One of the biggest and most exciting things is our new ad campaign. Last year we went by my first name, cr1ck3e- thus capturing the hearts and minds of you, the younger crowd. But some of you are saying, wait! I am not part of this young crowd! I am part of the older crowd, well now, for you, to capture your hearts and minds and wallets we’ve decided to go with a more professional look at the campaign and use my birth name: the critic.

Also, last year we did a lot to slam on our rivals, you may remember.. His name is Satan? right, well Vote for me because my opponent is the devil? If that’s not a good enough reason than nothing is. Except for maybe.. this:

That’s right folks, you have questions, and fuck it, so do I! I want to know the same shit that you do. Fortunately for me, I will become president and will get that book, “The President’s Book” or whatever it was called. I know you saw National Treasure 2. It was alright. I’m not a huge Nick Cage fan, but whatever. I’m going to get that and in it are the answers to your mind so craves. And guess what? It is my oath to you that when I find out, you will find out. Can you see it now? From the White House, with my loving doll Kim on my shoulder, I will announce to the world exactly who it was that killed JFK.

Kim will be as shocked as you. I won’t look so shocked, because I will have read it already and have to keep my composure for the country. Or maybe you’re like my friend, the mcp.. I know what he wants to know, and I know I want to know too. And I know you do too. And if its not in the President’s Book, I’ll just fly Air Force 1 out there, with video cameras and Kim, and we’ll find out together..

Its just that simple friends. You want answers, I want votes. Lets work together now for a change. How many other presidential candidates can you say will do that? The answer is fucking zero. Not just ZERO, FUCKIN ZERO, BITCH!

That’s why I am here, as a beacon of truth and light, and hope for you, your friends, family, and even your easy mom.

The one thing that will surely launch me straight to the White House is the help of Kim Kardashian. She is essential to this process because she is popular, sexy as fuck, and has a huge ass. She is America’s Sweetheart. The world is unhappy with her now, because she is unhappy. So write letters, find her on facebook, follow her twitter world wide and send her the message: The Critic is the man for you, Kim! HE is your relief fund, and only through him will you find true and eternal happiness. Forever and ever. At least one year of it.

And if that doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to apologize big time to Pam Anderson, she’s prolly pissed at me, but good news is, she’s a really fun chick and has a heart of gold and understands just how I have to wrangle the media to my command with Kim’s help, to launch me to a successful political career. Brilliant no? The first guy to use a celebrity status to launch his campaign since.. One of the most popular Presidents of all time.. Ronald Regan. THE ACTOR! So please please please, remind Kimmy to find the critic on facebook, point her here, and tell her all you can that she is destined for great things with yours truly. And never forget to remind everyone you know, 4 more years of corrupt politicians, or 4 years of real honesty and truth. Besides, could you see Kim as the first lady? Fuck that’d be awesome. And we’d have limos like she’s accustomed to, I’d have salary forever, and secret service, and thus would not be like that bum basketball player she married the last time. It’s a match made in heaven. And that is what you call some serious fucking relief.

Halloween

The name says it all bitches. No secret subliminal messages as to what this entry is about. Before we get into that bullshit, lets talk about something. If you’re a facebook reader, then you know what I’m about to say.

If you’re not. Hi, I’m The Critic.

As you know, I took the month of September off. Its not because I wanted to, or needed to, or whatever. Well ok, that’s a lie, I pretty much do whatever I like all the time so who am I kidding? I could give all kinds of reasons and excuses but what it comes down to is really:

That’s right, writers block. I’ve found the more bullshit I write, the less bullshit I have to write about. So ideas bitches. That’s your homework assignment. Get ideas and give them to me, you can send them here, you can send them directly to Facebook. Just fucking send them or I’ll send a Cyclops to your house to eat your babies. Count on it.

Halloween, it’s a fun time for all, but what was it originally and how did it evolve into what we find today? Lets dig deep and strap in fuckers, its time to roll.

I have celebrated Halloween my whole entire life. All 6 years of it. That’s including the time before AND after the coma. I’ve celebrated it in multiple different states as well as countries. I know how to drink, and eat candy. I also know how to dress myself, though I learned that only recently. Being an expert now on this subject, lets get to the real shit this fucking blog has to educate you before Halloween so you know how to properly enjoy it to its fullest potential.

Let’s talk about what the never wrong Wikipedia has to say about Halloween:

Historian Nicholas Rogers, exploring the origins of Halloween notes that while “some folklorists have detected its origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead  called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain, whose original spelling was Samuin.  The name of the festival historically kept by the Gaels and celts in the British Isles which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summers end”

What the fuck does all that mean? It means that there is not one explanation as to where this night of dressing up has come from, or more so that it comes from many different cultures, but what these learned scholars fail to realize is all of their ideas are probably right, and that it all stems back to the harvest time. Hence the pumpkin. But who really gives a shit? At some point we decided, as a race, globally, to stop being such ignorant superstitious bastards, and that this holiday would become a celebration of something more fun that being worried about ghosts goblins and harvesting shit.

I wonder who the first guy to say “Hey fuck this bullshit, lets dress up as dead things and eat candy!!” was. “And we’ll ask our neighbors for candy, and we’ll use a clever phrase… trick.. or treat. Which means, my friends, if they don’t give us candy… we’ll… BURN DOWN THEIR FUCKIN HOUSE!” *crickets* “WHO IS WITH ME!?” ….. a few moments pass and then the resounding cheer roars through the crowd, thus Halloween was born. How do I know it went down like that? Time travel is a hobby of mine. So fuck off.

You think its for your kids, and sure it is.. but its also for the big kids out there, it was STARTED for us big kids. Only we don’t like just candy, and we don’t wanna see masks and witches. We wanna see masks, goblins and the like for the guys. But Halloween was invented by man, and by MAN I mean MAN, MAN! Male. Have you noticed, now that you’re a growed up, that every woman's costume is some version of hoe? You’re welcome fellas. That’s right, Halloween is the one night a year where a girl can dress like a slut and other girls won’t say shit to her. Why? Because it’s the spirit of the season motha fucka!

Halloween was invented now, for one more reason to add to the list:

That’s right. It’s a sexist time of year that we all celebrate. You guys out there get eye candy that you love and need. You ladies get  to dress like your inner slut desires every day. It’s a win win situation.

Now you might be saying, wait a second critic, just hold one one minute. You’re full of shit, this is totally wrong.

You think? Well then prepare to meet the truth bitch!

You know me. You’ve been around for long enough and read enough of my ramblings to know that there is only one true way to survive the future and that is to become a pirate. Here you see on your left, a real pirate. He looks the part, sword, guns, jewelry. BOOTY!

But this Halloween look for the local bicycle to dress as a pirate and you’re gonna see a very different kind of booty, one that if you’re a guy or Ellen you’ll find much more better. Real booty, female booty. Git some.

Does this look like a pirate to you? No, its called slut clothes with a pirate hat. Guess what? I’m ok with that, but here you have the first step in the lesson of all Halloween is for is for the ladies of the earth to dress hoe like and slutty. It’s a wonderful holiday. Still disagreeing? I have more examples, don’t worry.

Another traditional Halloween costume that hits the world every year, never fail, is a witch. What is a witch? She’s a magic wielding badass who can curse your family and make your turn into a toad. She can also make you sleep for centuries. She can poison you, she can steal your soul.  She can ride a broom, lucky bitch. I’m not talking Harry Potter shit here folks, I’m talking real grotesque hags. And why are they such hags? Because dark magic is evil and it takes the life force which you possess to wield it with efficiency. And that’s what witches are after, real ultimate power.

But for Halloween you won’t see a haggish looking chick dressed like this holding a poison apple, oh fuck no, why the fuck would she do that? First off, the apple has no alcoholic value to it, secondly, your average chick does not want to look ugly, even when in costume.

Even as a witch you can look like a hoe, thus further proof that I am right.

But you want more proof, of course, because you’re a greedy little bitch, and that’s ok, because I am infused with the truth, and I’m a know it all son of a bitch. You say to me, Critic, witches aren’t  real! (which is bullshit) and Pirates aren’t real (which is bullshit, I am one) How about real things in this world! Ha, ok you twat rocket, I can play your game..

Cops are real motherfuckers who write me tickets all the time in their on going quest to restrict my freedoms and keep me quiet. It doesn’t work of course, because I’ll still keep breaking their laws which I don’t agree with and they can go take a flying fucking leap off of a building. DO YOU HEAR ME!? But they’re very real, and very scary, most of the time are over weight and the biggest assholes you’ve ever met.

And ladies, this year if you want to dress up like a cop, you can do that too, and as you can see here… you too will look like a hoe while doing it. I’m ok with it, and most of you seem like you are too, so why hide the fact that you’re not? Why keep up this game of smoke and mirrors, we all know the truth. At least I do, and I’m in the process of educating everyone. This holiday is for you. Show off the goods you slutty cop you. What? You need more? One more and then I’m done with you.

Bunny Rabbits are real. Not like that asshole bugs bunny, I mean real fuckers, the hippity hoppity all over the fucking place – especially into the front end of my car. How can you make a bunny sexy? Give me a fucking break, we’re men, and we make the rules, we know how to make anything sexy.

So this Halloween when you’re out getting your “trick or treat” on, or as I call it, “Gimme your candy or I’ll torch this shack!” – remember when you look upon a bunny walking down the street and know that yes, even this innocent costume was designed to make the wearer look like a whore. Its ok, we all do it, and you might appreciate it.. but really.. bunnies are not cute. Thank God for the male imagination.

Its ok that you dress like a whore on Halloween. Hell, I like it. I wish we had Halloween more times a year. Look ladies, the fact is, you can use Halloween as an excuse to bring out your inner hoe if you like, or you can go the more logical route. Let it fly ALL the time. Ever wonder why sluts seem so happy? Because they’re popular. Popularity makes one happy. That’s why most men suffer from clinical depression. We don’t have awesome features like boobs to flaunt all over town. We can’t use our sexuality at work to get promoted. Fact. You think it doesn’t happen still? Gimme a fucking break. It not only happens every day, but its something that men in power look for. Hell that’s why they GET INTO POWER! Happy Birthday Bill Clinton, I’m talking about you. JFK where ever you are, same. Hillary Clinton, you too (yes I know you like the muff)

So Happy Halloween my friends. Guys find your lame ass boring costumes, and ladies, which version of whore will you be this year? Make it a good one, and remember to keep those costumes- they double down for good role playing in the bedroom. Nurses, tigers, every thing in this world you can think of that’s your Halloween costume is made cut and tailored two sizes too small so you can hoe it out, if only for this one night a year. Or just dress up like a slut for Halloween. Fuckin A that works too! When I become president, we’re gonna have more than one Halloween, and it will be a National Holiday. How’s that for reason to vote for me? 2012 bitches, we’re almost there.