Holidaze

The holidays. A time where people celebrate many different things. A time where you start with talking about why you’re thankful and ending with a hangover, and broke. Its this magical time of year that we are now experiencing, so with great reason, I feel we should explore some avenue of truth about the holidays.

Before we jump in, should I explain why I am experienced enough to talk about this subject matter? Well since I do it every time, could I really give you a holiday treat and not do it? Why yes I could, but that’d be like an episode of Southpark without a dead Kenny. And that’s simply not right, and it will not do.

  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Goddamn it, I’m American. This means I’ve spent my entire life doing the dance of happy holidays. Furthermore, I’m an adept study in the arts of faking happy family time! This makes me an expert on all holidays! Hooray! Now that we have the business out of the way, we can get to the real meat of this porn star.

Thanksgiving

A wonderful American holiday where we celebrate the fact that some crazy folk in funny hats raised their collective middle fingers to the king of  England and got the fuck outta dodge. THEN made it to the shores of what is now YankeeTown, MA. And then SURVIVED! But they didn’t do it all on their own, oh no! They got some injuns to help them live and so they invited them over for a FEAST! Then once the feast was over, they gave them the present of small pox, war, and annihilation of their indigenous lifestyles! Thus, America and the American Way was BORN! By fire and fury and we just kicked the shit outta your non white asses, bitch!

Today Thanksgiving is much different. We get together with relatives, even crazy uncle Larry, and we pretend to like each other, and we let the wine floowww! This is the perfect American Holiday. First off, we’re all mostly liars, and we’ve spent all year honing our abilities to fool other people, so this gives us the perfect opportunity to put our skills to the test. Secondly, American’s are mostly grotesquely overweight, and this is a feast of epic proportions. There’s turkey, dressing, gravy and every other assorted dinner meal combined including giblets, and we eat enough  to support a small army.. on our own. This plays to the obesity that’s inside all of us. America: Land of the Beautiful.

Then we get to the month of December, and this brings on a slew of Holidays, and the fun really begins.

I should note here, now, that I am skipping Christmas this year, and the reasons are because of, but not limited to:

1. None of your Goddamned business.

So I thought I would celebrate Kwanzaa instead! Turns out that’s an African American Holiday, and because not only am I not black, but I could also be called Clorox for I am one of the whitest people on the planet. I had hoped to get a sick ass tan on my last vacation and change my name to Jamal and come back to the land locked hell hole and no one would recognize me. I failed. But I digress.

Kwanzaa

I did a bit of reading, and as it turns out, I think that Kwanzaa is actually the biggest rip off of all the holidays that take place. First off, its after Christmas, so its not like Hanukah or something where you celebrate it INSTEAD of Christmas. Oh no, you get this in addition to Christmas, which on its own I guess could be considered cool. But its a rip off. First, you have to be black to get to participate, which I don’t know about you, but that seems kinda racist to me. Secondly, you light up some sweet ass candles on a thing that kinda looks like a menorah.  You then celebrate being black and you give presents.  So, final analysis: Racist rip off of Hanukah. 

Since I am not qualified to celebrate Kwanzaa, I next turned my attention to that of the Muslim Faith.

Ramadan

Ramadan is a month long celebration for holiness. You fast from food all day, and I also read, you fast from sexual activity. This sounds like a shit load of fun doesn’t it!? You get to use some decorations. From what I’ve found the best decorations are some sweet ass lanterns. Basically, you get to spend a shit load of time praying to God to be a better person and/or Muslim.

In the end, I’m not sure that becoming a better person through prayer is such a bad thing, actually. I’m sorry, fellow American’s, it seems that Muslims aren’t as evil as the media tries to make them out. Look at them in a realistic light. Its like Texans. They aren’t ALL bad. Just because you see that dip shit redneck driving around a POS Chevy  pulling an Airstream trailer that looks older than the dinosaurs, that doesn’t mean they are all like that. No! Its true! Remember, a lot of the girls gone wild videos are shot IN Texas! Why? Because those crazy ass hicks know how to party is why! So too are Muslims, you see, not all want to destroy America! No! Some are American’s! And SOME just want to drive a cab and take you where you need to go! That’s service! And that’s the kind of go get em American attitude we need in this bitch! But back to the holiday. Ramadan is refrain from eating, drinking, fucking and over all happiness. Pray because you suck and need God. You can be any color to do it, and can be from any country to enjoy it. But in the end, its a lot of work for only spiritual reward, and why that is not necessarily a bad thing, it is also not a fun thing either. Nor is it enjoyable.

 

 

So, that’s two. At least with this one I’m allowed to participate in. Albeit it does not sound much fun. So, moving on, lets try out another.

Hanukah

“Hanukah is. The festival of Lights. Instead of one day of presents, we have 8 crazy nights!”

So we have Hanukah, the Jewish Holiday that takes place during the month of December. The never wrong Wikipedia describes Hanukah as:

Hanukkah (Hebrew: חֲנֻכָּה‎, Tiberian: Ḥănukkāh, nowadays usually spelled חנוכה pronounced [χanuˈka] in Modern Hebrew, also romanized as Chanukah or Chanuka), also known as the Festival of Lights is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE.

So what does this mean to someone looking for a holiday to celebrate this whole new holiday year? It means you first convert to Judaism. No biggie there. THEN you get to get a sweet ass tiny hat. its like a secret handshake that’s not a secret nor a handshake, but only the Jews get to sport them. That makes them rad. And special. So you get to light a candle every night AND get a present. This is a pretty sweet deal. The bad news is, employers, unless a Jew owned company, will not give you the entire holiday off. That’s a real bitch and a half, especially if you don’t want to work on a holiday. Anti-Semitic fuck rags! So, the good news is, you can, just like Madonna, convert to becoming a Jew at any time, and thus become a Hanukah celebrating wild shit! This is a plus. You get to fuck with fire, always a plus. And its the real deal, not the rip off Kwanzaa candles. Call it a big W.

Christmas

Christians celebrate this holiday in the true sense of it, and that is the birth of the savior of the Christian faith. Even though most historians agree that this was not the actual time of year of Jesus’ birth, this is when its celebrated. Most think this was a move by the sweet ass Catholic church in an attempt to over shadow popular winter solstice celebrations by heathen devil pagans. I say attempt, but I should note, it was not merely an attempt but a success. Go Pope!

But what does that translate to today for the everyday Joe. You see, the amazing thing about Christmas is it is celebrated world wide, and not just by Christians. This is where the holiday can be disturbing if you really think about it.  We celebrate with an old fat bastard named Santa climbing down our chimney and leaving presents for all of us. This has nothing to do with Jesus’ birthday. But to the average guy, who really gives a damn right? We just want lots of great shit!

So this over weight icon of American obesity fits down the chimney. This doesn’t bother you? You see him at the mall and you go tell him what you want to get from him. Only you have to sit on his lap to do so. This doesn’t bother you?  How does he get around the world in one night to give all the presents away? Magic. Duh. Always when there is an unexplainable phenomenon, the answer is magic. Where does he get all his toys?

Why Santa has himself some helpers. The idea of Santa’s helper has been immortalized by Victoria’s Secret ever since she decided she wanted to HAVE a secret! For that, the men and lesbians of this world say THANK YOU VICTORIA! AND THANK YOU SECRETS! But the truth is, every guy fantasizes about getting this for Christmas. None of us get it. Why? Because it’s a sweet novelty, but not a reality. But we can dream right?

No, this is not what Santa’s helper or Mrs. Claus looks like. No, no, no, Santa uses elves. Here’s another anomaly to the earth. Santa’s elves looks strangely like the Keebler Elves, however, this is nothing as to what Elves look or act like in every other piece of literature that has ever been written. Where did the idea of these little, midget, hardworking, good doing elves come from? No one knows. Not even Santa.

Every other story ever written about elves describes them as self centered snobs. They’re also pretty as fuck, and generally as tall as, if not taller than a human man. That’s pretty fucking tall if you think about it, because like, Shaq.. he’s fucking really tall. I doubt however, that Elves are taller than Shaq. No one is taller than Shaq.  Elves are also vain. They could spend all day doing nothing but admiring themselves in a mirror. And why not? They’re the prettiest creatures ever created. And they don’t bake cookies or may toys. They are quite good with swords, bows, and magic though, and there is definitely something to be said for that.

So, from vain self centered magical tall, pretty pricks.. to midgets with an affinity for making toys who all are enslaved by a fat man, like they are from China or something. This doesn’t bother you at all?

How does one prepare for Christmas? Well if you’re me, you’re thinking about this guy climbing down your chimney, which is a bad case of breaking and entering. Whether he steals or leaves something, he doesn’t have MY permission to get in my house. And so I’ve taken precautionary measures to keep my home safe.

Fire. I light a fire in the fireplace. I’d like to see that fat fuck drop down on the roaring blaze I plan to set to keep his ass from doing a little bit of B and E on this merriest of days. But he’s magic, right? So that means fire might not stop him. So I have a nice little thing I like to call my Christmas WMD’s.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. cr1ck3e does not abide intruders. No sir.

I’m not Scrooging it up, or Grinching my way through the holidays, I’m just saying, I can’t see reason to spend all my money on people when I know in the end, I’m gonna be pissed because I end up with a bunch of crap I didn’t ask for. Then I gotta figure out where to put said presents, and try and figure out when I’m going to give them away as birthday presents to someone else. This is a dangerous process. Once I regifted something that totally sucked.. and I gave it to the person who gave it to me in the first place. Needless to say, that person and I are no longer acquaintances.

One more thing. Why do we get a Christmas tree? What does a lit up tree have to do with anything? Back in the day, they say, since there was no electricity, they put candles on the trees. Does anyone else see this as a disaster waiting to happen?  No, probably not. This is why so many homes burn down at Christmas time. How’s that for some Yule tide cheer!

The skinny is though, that you get presents. You can worship God, Jesus, or St. Nick. You can see elves, you could get a Santa’s Helper outfit for your loved one. You don’t have to be any religion to participate, and you WILL get the day off from work.

Now just for fun, in an epic battle of awesomeness of Holidays, which Holiday is king? Since Ramadan and Kwanzaa both got the dreaded FAIL icon, they are automatically disqualified. Sorry. That leaves us with Christmas verses Hanukah. Hanukah uses a Menorah, or sweet ass candle holder. And FIRE! Christmas uses a tree. This is an easy with for Hanukah as in a battle of fire verses a tree, a tree NEVER wins. 

Its a straight up fact of life. And the proof is in the pixels, boys and girls. You can see it here. So the advantage goes to Hanukah there. But you never get Hanukah as a paid vacation day. Advantage Christmas. There are also 8 days of Hanukah, not one of them a paid holiday. –8 to Hanukah. You get a present a day for Hanukah, but if you have a generous family, you get a shit load of presents for Christmas. Advantage Christmas! You have to be a Jew to celebrate Hanukah, where as with Christmas, you can be anyone. Even black. (sorry Kwanzaa) Advantage Christmas.

So if I did my math right, Christmas wins by sheer numbers. But, you can still burn down a Christmas tree with a Menorah. And that’s pretty damn snazzy.

New Years

Now that you’re flat broke from buying a bunch of shit for people you do not necessarily like, its time to drink you woes away and usher in the new year. Everyone does this by drinking. Its kind of a weird thought. Here we are thinking, ok this year sucked, next year HAS to be better, RIGHT?! Yet we start the new year the same EVERY YEAR, and its not the best way. With a hangover. How is that kicking off the year with a bang? On a high note, perhaps? 

Maybe a better idea would to not be trashed on the first day of the year. Its my experience that a hangover is not a great day, no matter what day of the year it is. Then again, it is new years after all, and you probably have the day off already. Might as well drink your life away on the last night of the year, and the first morning of the new year. Besides, who really gives a fuck anyways, ya? So then, put your woes to rest, forget that you spent too much at Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or Ramadan, and have a good time!

Its the most wonderful time of the year. It even has its own theme songs. So enjoy it if you must, but again, I myself am ignoring this year. Say what you will, but I won’t change my mind. I can however, be persuaded like most people, and there are a couple things I hope to find under my.. um, well I don’t have a tree.. but I do have a chair in my living room. Don’t try climbing down my chimney though, or you’ll be sorry.

The Man.

Greetings my loves, I know its been a fortnight, but I hope you’ve all gotten a good amount of rest and are prepared for the coming month. The holidays are no longer right around the corner, but what IS right around the corner, is an upcoming blog about the holidays. It’ll be fun, adventurous, and carefree. Just like lesbians in college! Hooray! But that’s not for today. Today we’ll discuss, as the topic says, THE MAN. Are you ready for another ocular orgasm? We’d better get started then!

The following is an excerpt from my book. I’ve decided to give you another free dosage of it here today because I’m a super swell guy. Also, I already had the graphic made up. You see the good thing about having a graphic made, is it caters to my laziness, which as you all well know by now, is profound. Hell, I’ve mastered lazy to an art form.

So, that was a nice transitional paragraph to take us to my next point. What is THE MAN. The never wrong Wikipedia defines the man as: “A slang phrase that refers to the government, leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general. In addition to its derogatory sense it has also been used as a term of respect and praise.”

I don’t consider the government to be the man. Not today. Why? Because I already did a political blog, and that would just be a repeat. Repeats are not fun. And they’re not a very good time either.

No today, we’re talking about the praise all, awesomeness that is is a fellow that we all know as: THE MAN. Are you the man? Maybe. Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But chances are likely you are not the man, but you could BE the man, through careful study and guidance of the truth that lies here within.

 

You’re asking yourself, how does cr1ck3e know so much about who is the man and why?  Well the answer to that question is simple: I am The Man. I know, it sounds cocky, but when have I ever mislead you through straight cockiness? That’s right! NEVER! And will today be any different? Nah, I’m sure I can find some great reasons to back me up on this. Besides, this is my blog and I can do what I like. Its like being an evil dictator of a country that has no citizens. In summary: Its fantastic!

Now lets dig in! Who is this man and how can I be like or become him! This is not an easy path to take, friends.. You may start into this maze and never find your way to the center. Some guys are BORN The Man. Some become them, so there is hope for you, even if you’re a sniveling mail boy in a big office building.

Confidence. This is a trait every guy you’ve ever called The Man has. He’s not even a great looking guy, that’s right! We’re not talking about Brad Pitt here, we’re talking about the average guy you know, we’ll call him Chuck. He’s not attractive. He drives a Ford Fiesta, but he has a banging hot chick or three, and every time you see him, you can help but think: What does this tool have? Confidence my friends. It its essential to becoming the man. So, next time you see that fine beauty you wish to conquer, rather than think, “She’s way to pretty for me..” You think instead: “SHE WILL BE MINE!” – Yah, its a little creepy, that’s why you just think it. Don’t think out loud where she can hear you.

Muscles. As you can see from the picture above, muscles are not an essential key to becoming The Man. They don’t hurt, sure, unless you’re so dedicated to getting them that you decide to start juicing. Remember boys, Roids shrink your balls. Muscle isn’t worth having tiny nuts for. No matter how big your muscles are, she won’t thank you for a tiny set of testies.  The most important muscles on your body are the ones that you keep in your pants, remember that. That and your tongue. Sometimes your brain. But mainly the ones in your pants, because you gotta use em else you’ll never be The Man.

A Car. Its true, while you may see your good buddy Chuck get all kinds of action jackson and drive a love bug, the truth is, that is the nicest damn bug you’ve ever seen. Its not impressive, but its clean and its functional. Then he pulls the, “this thing is saving mother earth. I believe in PEWP” card and they are putty in his hands. So while the make and model don’t really matter too much, first thing that does matter is you have one. In a recent poll, 12 out of 10 women say they won’t have sex with a schmo with no ride. This makes that ten speed you got suck. Unless you’re Lance Armstrong, its time to give up the pedal power, and get into something you can pick them up in. No girl wants to pick YOU up for a date, and they don’t want to ride the bus either. This poll excluded New York City, because only arabs and rich fucks have cars there. We’re talking the real world, not NYC. Just thought I’d make that clear. Even Amish chicks put out for wheels. Yes, they are pulled by horses, but a  back seat is a back seat, or if you’re Amish, its called a roll in the hay. 

Hair. Its true! Bald guys get play too. You do not have to have awesome anime-esque hair, or be like Eddietard from Twilight. Oh no, bald guys can be The Man too. This is the greatest thing about the world for bald people. Every notice bald guys normally have awesome beards? Its almost unfair isn’t it? Here I am, with a great head of hair, but if my life depended upon me growing a beard, I’d be dead. The good news is, I can grow hair, because lets face it, I’d look weird bald.

Passion. This is not the same thing as gay feelings. Passion is not a sign of being a sissy lala, its the sign of being The Man. Women look for it, they crave it in their men, and if you don’t have it, you won’t ever be the man. But what is Passion? Dictionary.com defines passion as:

1. Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire
3. strong sexual desire; lust
4. the object of such a fondness or desire
5. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling
6. VIOLENT ANGER! ROOAARRR!!!!
7. I put in the roar for awesomeness effects

Ok mates, so what’s this mean to you and how does it make you the man?  You can be passionate in the bedroom, yes, this is a plus and will make you The Man. But you need passion in life as well. Take for instance, if you want to put passion into something both enjoyable and useful, do as I do: Jeeps.  You’re welcome. Oh and Football doesn’t really count since girls don’t get how its awesome.

Now, I think before we go any further, I should give you fine example of The Man throughout history. This will help you curve your subpar personality and refine it into that of something greater than you could ever have thought up on your own! Ready for it?! Lets get going!

James Bond

James Bond is The Man. No matter the scenario or adversity he faces, he always finds a way to conquer those opposed to him, and he does it with a cool rugged sense. He likes to drink and he womanizes. Though it is clear that 007 truly loves each and every one of those women in his own way.

He doesn’t drink fruity girl drinks, he drinks martinis. This is pure elegance. He doesn’t talk about his feelings, because the only feeling he really has is determination. He is very passionate about whatever mission he is on, and he is passionate in the bed room. He has great hair, though originally he was a bald man in a toupee. There have been many to portray bond throughout the ages.  All of which were suave and debonair in  a way that very few men could ever become. He’s always dressed to kill and he has the confidence of 15 guys combined. He’s also always got a sweet ass car. He usually trashes it, but he gets a new one next movie. A little known fact is, yours truly was James Bond in one movie. It was one of those weird ones that didn’t have Connory, Moore, or Brosnan. I only played the role once though, as they said I was “Just too damn scary good” for the role, and so I opted out of more movies, so the franchise would continue as “James Bond” and not “cr1ck3e: secret agent” – it was for the betterment of the franchise. I’ve turned down starring in roles about my own spy life, because movies just can’t capture the awesomeness that it was.

George Washington

The original American Badass. The Man. George Washington was actually the first American THE MAN ever in the history of the world. I know, I was there. This guy was so determined, confident and passionate about killing limeys that it was only a matter of time before they tuck tailed and ran away back to England. Notice on his boat crossing the frozen Delaware how fearless he is in the face of old man winter and mother England.   This was after my time as pirate back in the day, so as an able ships captain, you’ll notice me right behind Old G, as I called him. He got to look heroic, I screamed “ROW YOU PANSY BITCHES!!!” Someone has to command the work. This was a good learning experience for me though, to learn to become an American Badass from a guy who had wooden teeth. He was also a soldier, so a little known fact about him is: He could cuss like a motherfucker. Its actually his fault I have such a foul mouth.

Julius Caesar

Another one of my gigs throughout history was hanging around him, I didn’t have to do too much, because he was always taking charge and glory. This helped me learn from one of the greats. He was confident and passionate about conquering the entire globe. No one could stop him, except his bullshit coward friends. I was out of the senate that day, the ides of March. I had matters to attend to in the bedroom with a wonderful Egyptian serving girl. When hanging out with the Emperor you get the scraps, but I was just a lad at the time and I was pleased to just hang and learn. Everyone has to have a mentor at some point, and for me, I feel blessed that I got to learn from one of the worlds true greats. The Man.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

Seriously, this guy is like James Bond times a trazillion. When James grows up, he wants to be this guy. Women want him, men want to be him. Do you know his name? No you don’t. Why? Because you’re not privileged enough. If he told it to you, you’d probably cry eternal tears because his name is music to the ears of even wild savages. He is.. the Most Interesting Man in the World. Need I say more? 

Now you have the keys to becoming The Man. You now know that a good set of hair is not necessary, but is a plus, and you can fake it with a wig. You know that you need to casually be able to drink and be suave about it. You need your car to not necessarily be a posh ride, but be nice regardless of whatever it is. Be passionate, be confident, and you will be The Man. Then your buddy Bill will be like, man, I wish I was more like cr1ck3e. And you can smile on the inside knowing that these steps were not difficult to follow, and that they are so primal and basic that its ridiculous and you never thought they’d work. But they do. Once you’ve become the man, you should have a painting done of you. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about every guy I’ve known in history that I thought, “Wow! This guy is THE MAN!” Its that there is an awesome painting of them. That is why, before attacking Napoleon’s ships with my good friend, Lord Nelson, I had one done up of me. In case I died, I wanted people to check it out in a museum in London and be like, “HE WAS THE MAN!” So, I had it painted. Full dress uniform. Don’t have a uniform of your own? Go get one! Fake it till you make it chumps. And remember…

Stay thirsty my friends.

Vampire Hunter

Vampires have become one of my favorite topics to talk about. Are they real? Of course they are. That’s why there's so many stories about them. Hunting them is also very real, and that’ll be where we find the main focus of this blog. The hunting of very real and SCARY vampires. But we’ll get to that later.

First, I have to tell you. To all the people out there who absolutely would DIE for their Apple computer, I have to make something of an apology.

It occurs to me, that I spend a lot of time ripping on Apple products in my blogs. For this I think I should apologize.

However, I’m not going to.

I stand by the truths which I bring you here, and today I have another revelation about Apple products. Its not so much the product I hate so much.. its the users.

The more I think about it, one of the only things I hate more than then Apple products, is the apple fanbois. Every time I find myself in traffic behind a car with one of those apple stickers on the ass end, I want to ram them. There’s something about the pretentiousness of owning an apple that makes all the retards who support their products so heavily that they are willing to put a sticker on their car that says: “I’m a dick who owns an apple!” Why on earth would you want to put that sticker on your car? First off, I myself refuse to put any sticker on my car. It seems like that would merely deface the awesomeness of my jeep. So much do I hate the addition of stickers that I do not even put a sweet ass Jolly Roger on my Jeep. Why do I need to advertise the fact that I am really a Pirate? I don’t. I let my actions speak louder than words. And so, as an apple owner, you must realize that there is no action you can take to show off your awesomeness, and so you feel the need to put a sticker on your car.

The simple fact is, almost everyone has an ipod, or iphone. Therefore almost everyone is an apple owner. However, for those of us who reluctantly own these over priced products, we’re far more awesome than you, sticker-man, for we do not advertise for that corporation.

I’ve taken my hate to new levels though. Oh yes! This is how my act of piracy shows awesomeness. When I see a car parked with the Apple logo, I try and give them a reminder as to why Piracy is greater than Apples! In the picture here, you can see what I did to the last asshole I saw who advertised his pretentious Fanboi-ism. Owned by Pirates, bitch!

So, in conclusion, its not the product, its the price tag.. and not just the price tag.. Its the sticker loving cockbags who advertise for you. Beware Apple Sticker Show-ers. You could be next.

Before we get to hunting the undead there’s a couple more things that piss me off I wanna talk about first. You see, I went on vacation, and I had time to think. When I think, I discover anger. Its dangerous, which is why I normally just try not to think. Also, I find myself with headaches after too much thinking.

Las Vegas. 

I’ve been there. I’ve even written once about my last trip to Vegas. Upon thinking about Las Vegas, I realized.. I should learn to play Craps. I have no idea how you play this game, but, like you, I see this on the TV, on movies. Its a wonderful event. There’s some guy, he’s looking pimp, and he has beautiful people surrounding him. He’s winning. Big time. He turns to the girl next to him, “Blow my dice, big tits!” Normally, a woman would be offended at such a comment.

Not at a craps table. Smiling like she had just won the Ms. America crown, she blows on his dice and he tosses.. and…

YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!!!!

I was walking down the street not 3 days ago when I saw this gorgeous woman. I wanted to tell her how amazing she looked. Hell, maybe the Critic would get a date! So I tried to think of a great way to tell her. Then it came to my mind. The Craps table! YES! So, I walked up to her, I smiled, like I was Sean Connory, and I said:

“Hey, Big Tits, blow my dice!”

She slapped me.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But the truth this, I have the luck that most people do when they go to Vegas. Which is to say: none. I go like everyone else, and I smoke 16 packs of cigarettes a day, which I buy from the casino at 10$ a pack, and I play the slots, and I drink for free. But the alcohol does not help my brain. It makes me think that, yes, I am a winner. I am not a winner. The slots are really laughing at you the entire time, you just don’t realize it.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But as I said, I’ve been to Vegas. I’m sure you have too. And the truth is, Vegas is not like the excitement you see on TV and in the movies. There are no beautiful people standing around a hot shooter at the craps table. The real Vegas is much more different, because the beautiful young people are too POOR to blow all their money at the Craps table. They’re by the pool until fuckin Cris Angel has his show come on. Or the Blue Man Group. Or, they’ve already spent all their money on hookers, because no sex is like professional sex. Trust me, I know.

The real Vegas is much different, yes.. It is a bunch of old people sitting around playing video poker and penny slots, chain smoking and eyeballing an entire row of machines. If you try to touch one of their machines, they will likely chop your arm off with a machete. How they snuck a machete into a casino, I don’t know. My guess is that security knows they’re old and only protecting their slots, and will not openly attack people unless provoked. Also, when they have to get up to pee, since their depends is full at the moment, they put a pad lock on the machines. This is not fair or fun. Therefore, the real Vegas…. well it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Except for the prostitutes.

Moving on I have one more subject to tackle before we get into the art, finesse, and necessity that is: Vampire Hunting.

I know, I’m taking forever to get to it, know why? CUZ I CAN! I find that most of the things I do in life is for that reason. Its a beautiful way to live. Trust me on this one.

Bluray!

Bluray is awesome. The picture is great, the sound is amazing, and it takes DVD and bends it over a table and rapes it mercilessly all the while cackling evilly into the night! If you do not own a bluray player, you probably should, because if you don’t own one, you just straight suck right? Right. But the benefit of owning a bluray player will bring you to my next point of FUCK OFF!

Because I own a bluray player, I have since bought.. OMG! can you believe this next one… I have bought… BLURAY DISCS! Now, as an owner of said lovelies, I have found one thing about them that pisses me off to no end. It is this:

Every Bluray disc starts with the same advertisement.

“Here.. we…go!” BLURAY OMGOMGOMG ITS SO AWESOME IT’LL EAT YOUR VEGGIES FOR YOU! THE ENTIRE STATE OF NEW JERSEY LOVES BLURAY! YOUR MOM LOVES BLURAY! IF YOU DON’T OWN BLURAY YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL! PRESIDENT OBAMA HATES YOUR NON BLURAY OWNING SILLY SORRY ASS! ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DVD! HOW MUCH BETTER? DVD SUCKS AND BLURAY DOEEESSNNN’TTT!! SO GET BLURAY TODAYTODAYTODAY!!

Only this advertisement takes about 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Also, you cannot skip through it. If you do not fast forward, you are forced to watch it. This really pisses me off, because.. motherfuckers.. I ALREADY OWN THE PRODUCT! You fucking win ok!? Leave me the fuck alone and stop advertising! Your advertising worked already now SHUT THE FUCK UP! Its the most retarded redundant ad ever in the history of the world, times two. plus infinity. pi.

I can’t fucking stand it, and neither should you. We should not be subjected to bluray advertising.. on a bluray..which I’m watching on my bluray player. Seriously this makes me want to do one thing and one thing only. Burn down the building where this ad was thought up, made, and mass produced.

What I’ve done here is show fine examples of answers to the most popular question I seem to get: Where do you think this shit up?

I don’t think it up, its real life. And the answers are truth. The truth is not some kind of creative thought up ploy to prove a point. The truth is the truth. Simple dimple, bitches.

Now lets talk about vampires and shit woop! are you ready? I’m so ready I can’t hardly hold it! I didn’t hold it! I just peed myself. Thanks a lot for getting me excited. Jerks.

My credentials on vampires. Hmm. Well, I have shown you all that I can read books, especially with my references to the Twilight series of books, and my critique of their poor literary performances. I’ve shown my ability to spot the undead in the form of Zombies, and I have gone to great measures to prepare you all for the undead attack. The simple fact is, the mindless droves of Zombies which will be attacking any day now, cannot be the only undead creature out there, so if you truly wish to survive, you must let your survival instincts take control and force you to read, to learn, and eventually combat against all forms of undead. I myself have slain many vampires, as I follow in the footsteps of the greatness of my predecessors.

Before we get to hunting vampires, I’d like to talk about the realness of vampires.

Vampires are real blood sucking creatures from the black lagoon of the world that are waiting in nearly every shadow to kill you, drink your blood, and take your wallet! That’s right, they are cleptos who steal. What proof of this do I have? Well..

Vampires *can* hold a job. They are very good at doing a job, especially since they have eons to perfect a skill at any job. The problem of aging comes into play. How do you retire at 65 when you still look 20, and you’re really 437 yrs old? You can’t. But it takes money to survive in the world anymore, and therefore, they steal your wallet or purse, because every kill is not only dinner, but pay day. Not a bad gig. 

Can vampires walk in the sun? Most traditional stories say no, but many say yes. The truth is yes, they can. But they are in a devastatingly weak state by doing so. The sun hurts like fuck and so they have to wear sunglasses. This is a point I understand all too well, as I cannot stand the sunlight either, and therefore always wear sunglasses. Even at night. That’s right Corey Hart, you’re not the only one.

Sorry!

 

Anyways, so Vampires are evil, they are creepy crawly and YES they are all ages *in looks* and all over the place. EVEN they can be teenagers, much to my anti-twilight dismay. But, when they are teenage looking, they do not live in places where its cloudy and go to high school over and over again. Take for instance the Lost Boys, which was based on a true story. They didn’t go to school.. FUCK NO! They did what they wanted to, all the time, and what teenager EVER wants to go to school? NONE OF THEM!

Some vampires are weaker than others. Some are goddamn awesome powers of evil incarnate that you wouldn’t want to be near. I mean, anyone can take out a weak vampire, all it takes is the proper weaponry which we’ll get into later. But there are some vampires that take a real hunter to to bring down. These guys know how to avoid being seen, detected, and ultimately, defeated. It takes a true hunter, and possibly an undead hunter to bring them down. These are the kinds of vampires you have to be especially careful of folks.

Be careful when you see a vampire in general, yes, but be more careful when you see one who looks innocent, but has that air about them that says: I could kick your ass at tetris.

Finally though, before we move on to the hunters, remember: Not all vampires are bad. Some of them could be your best friend. So like with thugs, don’t assume they’re all out to kill you, some of them just wanna party, have a good time, and be friendly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I just got through all of that without ripping on Twilight too bad. Are you impressed? Well I’m not. Neither are Apple Fanbois. If there’s one thing we’ve come to expect from me its cookies. If there are two, then it is cookies AND Twilight Hate. And when there is no Twilight Hate, it is replaced with Apple Hate. Sometimes you get both, and then its BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIE!

So, for all you who love Apple. This ones for you. 

Do vampires sparkle? I mean really? Do they?

NO! VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Weak ones burn in the sunlight, strong ones are weak in it. Its fact. There are lots of things that sparkle in the sunlight though. Like Jewelry. Diamonds. A clean pretty car. The ocean sparkles in the bright sun too. 

And here is another thing for you: Faggots covered in glitter sparkle in the sunlight. Notice the resemblance between this fag covered in glitter and Edward? THEY BOTH SPARKLE!

Conclusion: Only inanimate objects and faggots covered in glitter sparkle the sun. Fact.

Hunters

There have been many great hunters before me. Many! Its time to pay them a bit of homage, yes? Lets do it then!

Buffy

She was not only a fierce and awesome slayer of vampires, but she was also sexy as fuck while she did it. So important was her slaying that a movie and TV show was made honoring her works. There are no real photos of Buffy out there, but it is said that Sarah Michelle Geller was cast in the show because she was “An exact twin” says one source.

Van Helsing

He was not only a professor of medicine, but also a notorious vampire hunter. Truth be told, he did not kill many vampires. Only a handful, and the most IMPORTANT of all vampires: Count Dracula.

Someone had to kill that ageless bastard who was terrorizing Transylvania, and Arthur Van Helsing was just the right man for the job.

Blade

This guy was/is half vampire himself. This helps him a great deal, because to defeat the greatest of immortal enemies, being half immortal doesn’t hurt your chances for victory, does it? He is a badass of epic proportions, which is why the role in the documentary about him was played by Wesley Snipes. They needed a black badass, and there’s no black badass quite as badasstastic as Wesley Snipes. He’s so fucking tough he said FUCK YOU AMERICA! And didn’t pay taxes. Now he’s a bitch to a bigger black badass. Poor Snipes.

Abraham Lincoln

Wait what? I bet your confused now! That’s right, our darling 16th president, who freed the slaves and won the civil war single handedly was one of the most deadly hunters of vampires the world has ever seen. And there is information to back it, a book written, finally, the true untold story of our beloved president. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I’ve read it, and now I’m going to tell you about it. Its important stuff, so its good for you to know.

This educational tutorial into the truth of one of the most pivotal presidents in American history is a must read. It’s a fairly easy read and it’s relatively short.  Here’s why it took me a while: I researched and cross referenced everything while I read this book, so in addition to the book, I read three times as much in history, to get the story, and the author who took most of this book directly from the diary of Abe Lincoln, also filled in the rest of the information for the reader with fact. I’ve done all the researching, and seriously, he didn’t make up the events that happened. Its impressive. Needless to say, I was shocked.

The story tells of of Abe’s life, starting as a young lad, his distaste for taking life, and his sorrow at seeing slaves being taken to auction. But it was when Abe’s dear mother was killed by a vampire, because of his fathers careless unpaid debts, that our hero took it upon himself, to rid the United States of America of all vampires. He was going to need some help though, and throughout his life, he found help when he needed it.

As you can see from the cover photograph of this book, which is an actual photo of Abe, he was very fond of his foresting axe. He didn’t use a plethora of weapons to assist him in his annihilation of vampires, but he did use useful weapons. And his axe was one.  In truth, it was his weapon of choice. This is why you see Abe wearing a long coat in nearly every photograph of him, for he never left home without his trust companion. Also, what you didn’t see hidden in that long coat of his were one of the most important of vampire hunting weapons. Stakes. As we all know, a stake through the heart is almost a guaranteed kill of a vampire. But, Abe was thorough, and he would also chop of the head. This made him a great man. This untold story is not embellished with all kinds of flowery writing. Its straight forwards and direct. When he killed, he did it quickly, it was not some goddamned 5 hour epic battle. It was stake, chop, leave and go home.  The  book has many captivating pictures of Abe in various stages of his life, and in many of them you can see just how close vampire assassins were to Abe at all times. This book is a must read for vampire lovers, and history buffs, and ANY American who wants to know more about history of their country. Go get it. NOW! 

I am not usually a fan of nonfiction, but this book is a rare exception. It has all the elements of truth to make it a masterpiece even if it is all straight fact. My grade is thus an easy A+

Throughout this book you will also read about the techniques used by Abe in his quest to conquer evil, and take them to heart, for there are too many to write here, and I don’t want to ruin the story for you. Be sure to put it at the top of your reading list, because the war against the undead is never over, and only the strong, and prepared will survive.