Holidaze

The holidays. A time where people celebrate many different things. A time where you start with talking about why you’re thankful and ending with a hangover, and broke. Its this magical time of year that we are now experiencing, so with great reason, I feel we should explore some avenue of truth about the holidays.

Before we jump in, should I explain why I am experienced enough to talk about this subject matter? Well since I do it every time, could I really give you a holiday treat and not do it? Why yes I could, but that’d be like an episode of Southpark without a dead Kenny. And that’s simply not right, and it will not do.

  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Goddamn it, I’m American. This means I’ve spent my entire life doing the dance of happy holidays. Furthermore, I’m an adept study in the arts of faking happy family time! This makes me an expert on all holidays! Hooray! Now that we have the business out of the way, we can get to the real meat of this porn star.

Thanksgiving

A wonderful American holiday where we celebrate the fact that some crazy folk in funny hats raised their collective middle fingers to the king of  England and got the fuck outta dodge. THEN made it to the shores of what is now YankeeTown, MA. And then SURVIVED! But they didn’t do it all on their own, oh no! They got some injuns to help them live and so they invited them over for a FEAST! Then once the feast was over, they gave them the present of small pox, war, and annihilation of their indigenous lifestyles! Thus, America and the American Way was BORN! By fire and fury and we just kicked the shit outta your non white asses, bitch!

Today Thanksgiving is much different. We get together with relatives, even crazy uncle Larry, and we pretend to like each other, and we let the wine floowww! This is the perfect American Holiday. First off, we’re all mostly liars, and we’ve spent all year honing our abilities to fool other people, so this gives us the perfect opportunity to put our skills to the test. Secondly, American’s are mostly grotesquely overweight, and this is a feast of epic proportions. There’s turkey, dressing, gravy and every other assorted dinner meal combined including giblets, and we eat enough  to support a small army.. on our own. This plays to the obesity that’s inside all of us. America: Land of the Beautiful.

Then we get to the month of December, and this brings on a slew of Holidays, and the fun really begins.

I should note here, now, that I am skipping Christmas this year, and the reasons are because of, but not limited to:

1. None of your Goddamned business.

So I thought I would celebrate Kwanzaa instead! Turns out that’s an African American Holiday, and because not only am I not black, but I could also be called Clorox for I am one of the whitest people on the planet. I had hoped to get a sick ass tan on my last vacation and change my name to Jamal and come back to the land locked hell hole and no one would recognize me. I failed. But I digress.

Kwanzaa

I did a bit of reading, and as it turns out, I think that Kwanzaa is actually the biggest rip off of all the holidays that take place. First off, its after Christmas, so its not like Hanukah or something where you celebrate it INSTEAD of Christmas. Oh no, you get this in addition to Christmas, which on its own I guess could be considered cool. But its a rip off. First, you have to be black to get to participate, which I don’t know about you, but that seems kinda racist to me. Secondly, you light up some sweet ass candles on a thing that kinda looks like a menorah.  You then celebrate being black and you give presents.  So, final analysis: Racist rip off of Hanukah. 

Since I am not qualified to celebrate Kwanzaa, I next turned my attention to that of the Muslim Faith.

Ramadan

Ramadan is a month long celebration for holiness. You fast from food all day, and I also read, you fast from sexual activity. This sounds like a shit load of fun doesn’t it!? You get to use some decorations. From what I’ve found the best decorations are some sweet ass lanterns. Basically, you get to spend a shit load of time praying to God to be a better person and/or Muslim.

In the end, I’m not sure that becoming a better person through prayer is such a bad thing, actually. I’m sorry, fellow American’s, it seems that Muslims aren’t as evil as the media tries to make them out. Look at them in a realistic light. Its like Texans. They aren’t ALL bad. Just because you see that dip shit redneck driving around a POS Chevy  pulling an Airstream trailer that looks older than the dinosaurs, that doesn’t mean they are all like that. No! Its true! Remember, a lot of the girls gone wild videos are shot IN Texas! Why? Because those crazy ass hicks know how to party is why! So too are Muslims, you see, not all want to destroy America! No! Some are American’s! And SOME just want to drive a cab and take you where you need to go! That’s service! And that’s the kind of go get em American attitude we need in this bitch! But back to the holiday. Ramadan is refrain from eating, drinking, fucking and over all happiness. Pray because you suck and need God. You can be any color to do it, and can be from any country to enjoy it. But in the end, its a lot of work for only spiritual reward, and why that is not necessarily a bad thing, it is also not a fun thing either. Nor is it enjoyable.

 

 

So, that’s two. At least with this one I’m allowed to participate in. Albeit it does not sound much fun. So, moving on, lets try out another.

Hanukah

“Hanukah is. The festival of Lights. Instead of one day of presents, we have 8 crazy nights!”

So we have Hanukah, the Jewish Holiday that takes place during the month of December. The never wrong Wikipedia describes Hanukah as:

Hanukkah (Hebrew: חֲנֻכָּה‎, Tiberian: Ḥănukkāh, nowadays usually spelled חנוכה pronounced [χanuˈka] in Modern Hebrew, also romanized as Chanukah or Chanuka), also known as the Festival of Lights is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE.

So what does this mean to someone looking for a holiday to celebrate this whole new holiday year? It means you first convert to Judaism. No biggie there. THEN you get to get a sweet ass tiny hat. its like a secret handshake that’s not a secret nor a handshake, but only the Jews get to sport them. That makes them rad. And special. So you get to light a candle every night AND get a present. This is a pretty sweet deal. The bad news is, employers, unless a Jew owned company, will not give you the entire holiday off. That’s a real bitch and a half, especially if you don’t want to work on a holiday. Anti-Semitic fuck rags! So, the good news is, you can, just like Madonna, convert to becoming a Jew at any time, and thus become a Hanukah celebrating wild shit! This is a plus. You get to fuck with fire, always a plus. And its the real deal, not the rip off Kwanzaa candles. Call it a big W.

Christmas

Christians celebrate this holiday in the true sense of it, and that is the birth of the savior of the Christian faith. Even though most historians agree that this was not the actual time of year of Jesus’ birth, this is when its celebrated. Most think this was a move by the sweet ass Catholic church in an attempt to over shadow popular winter solstice celebrations by heathen devil pagans. I say attempt, but I should note, it was not merely an attempt but a success. Go Pope!

But what does that translate to today for the everyday Joe. You see, the amazing thing about Christmas is it is celebrated world wide, and not just by Christians. This is where the holiday can be disturbing if you really think about it.  We celebrate with an old fat bastard named Santa climbing down our chimney and leaving presents for all of us. This has nothing to do with Jesus’ birthday. But to the average guy, who really gives a damn right? We just want lots of great shit!

So this over weight icon of American obesity fits down the chimney. This doesn’t bother you? You see him at the mall and you go tell him what you want to get from him. Only you have to sit on his lap to do so. This doesn’t bother you?  How does he get around the world in one night to give all the presents away? Magic. Duh. Always when there is an unexplainable phenomenon, the answer is magic. Where does he get all his toys?

Why Santa has himself some helpers. The idea of Santa’s helper has been immortalized by Victoria’s Secret ever since she decided she wanted to HAVE a secret! For that, the men and lesbians of this world say THANK YOU VICTORIA! AND THANK YOU SECRETS! But the truth is, every guy fantasizes about getting this for Christmas. None of us get it. Why? Because it’s a sweet novelty, but not a reality. But we can dream right?

No, this is not what Santa’s helper or Mrs. Claus looks like. No, no, no, Santa uses elves. Here’s another anomaly to the earth. Santa’s elves looks strangely like the Keebler Elves, however, this is nothing as to what Elves look or act like in every other piece of literature that has ever been written. Where did the idea of these little, midget, hardworking, good doing elves come from? No one knows. Not even Santa.

Every other story ever written about elves describes them as self centered snobs. They’re also pretty as fuck, and generally as tall as, if not taller than a human man. That’s pretty fucking tall if you think about it, because like, Shaq.. he’s fucking really tall. I doubt however, that Elves are taller than Shaq. No one is taller than Shaq.  Elves are also vain. They could spend all day doing nothing but admiring themselves in a mirror. And why not? They’re the prettiest creatures ever created. And they don’t bake cookies or may toys. They are quite good with swords, bows, and magic though, and there is definitely something to be said for that.

So, from vain self centered magical tall, pretty pricks.. to midgets with an affinity for making toys who all are enslaved by a fat man, like they are from China or something. This doesn’t bother you at all?

How does one prepare for Christmas? Well if you’re me, you’re thinking about this guy climbing down your chimney, which is a bad case of breaking and entering. Whether he steals or leaves something, he doesn’t have MY permission to get in my house. And so I’ve taken precautionary measures to keep my home safe.

Fire. I light a fire in the fireplace. I’d like to see that fat fuck drop down on the roaring blaze I plan to set to keep his ass from doing a little bit of B and E on this merriest of days. But he’s magic, right? So that means fire might not stop him. So I have a nice little thing I like to call my Christmas WMD’s.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. cr1ck3e does not abide intruders. No sir.

I’m not Scrooging it up, or Grinching my way through the holidays, I’m just saying, I can’t see reason to spend all my money on people when I know in the end, I’m gonna be pissed because I end up with a bunch of crap I didn’t ask for. Then I gotta figure out where to put said presents, and try and figure out when I’m going to give them away as birthday presents to someone else. This is a dangerous process. Once I regifted something that totally sucked.. and I gave it to the person who gave it to me in the first place. Needless to say, that person and I are no longer acquaintances.

One more thing. Why do we get a Christmas tree? What does a lit up tree have to do with anything? Back in the day, they say, since there was no electricity, they put candles on the trees. Does anyone else see this as a disaster waiting to happen?  No, probably not. This is why so many homes burn down at Christmas time. How’s that for some Yule tide cheer!

The skinny is though, that you get presents. You can worship God, Jesus, or St. Nick. You can see elves, you could get a Santa’s Helper outfit for your loved one. You don’t have to be any religion to participate, and you WILL get the day off from work.

Now just for fun, in an epic battle of awesomeness of Holidays, which Holiday is king? Since Ramadan and Kwanzaa both got the dreaded FAIL icon, they are automatically disqualified. Sorry. That leaves us with Christmas verses Hanukah. Hanukah uses a Menorah, or sweet ass candle holder. And FIRE! Christmas uses a tree. This is an easy with for Hanukah as in a battle of fire verses a tree, a tree NEVER wins. 

Its a straight up fact of life. And the proof is in the pixels, boys and girls. You can see it here. So the advantage goes to Hanukah there. But you never get Hanukah as a paid vacation day. Advantage Christmas. There are also 8 days of Hanukah, not one of them a paid holiday. –8 to Hanukah. You get a present a day for Hanukah, but if you have a generous family, you get a shit load of presents for Christmas. Advantage Christmas! You have to be a Jew to celebrate Hanukah, where as with Christmas, you can be anyone. Even black. (sorry Kwanzaa) Advantage Christmas.

So if I did my math right, Christmas wins by sheer numbers. But, you can still burn down a Christmas tree with a Menorah. And that’s pretty damn snazzy.

New Years

Now that you’re flat broke from buying a bunch of shit for people you do not necessarily like, its time to drink you woes away and usher in the new year. Everyone does this by drinking. Its kind of a weird thought. Here we are thinking, ok this year sucked, next year HAS to be better, RIGHT?! Yet we start the new year the same EVERY YEAR, and its not the best way. With a hangover. How is that kicking off the year with a bang? On a high note, perhaps? 

Maybe a better idea would to not be trashed on the first day of the year. Its my experience that a hangover is not a great day, no matter what day of the year it is. Then again, it is new years after all, and you probably have the day off already. Might as well drink your life away on the last night of the year, and the first morning of the new year. Besides, who really gives a fuck anyways, ya? So then, put your woes to rest, forget that you spent too much at Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or Ramadan, and have a good time!

Its the most wonderful time of the year. It even has its own theme songs. So enjoy it if you must, but again, I myself am ignoring this year. Say what you will, but I won’t change my mind. I can however, be persuaded like most people, and there are a couple things I hope to find under my.. um, well I don’t have a tree.. but I do have a chair in my living room. Don’t try climbing down my chimney though, or you’ll be sorry.