The Man.

Greetings my loves, I know its been a fortnight, but I hope you’ve all gotten a good amount of rest and are prepared for the coming month. The holidays are no longer right around the corner, but what IS right around the corner, is an upcoming blog about the holidays. It’ll be fun, adventurous, and carefree. Just like lesbians in college! Hooray! But that’s not for today. Today we’ll discuss, as the topic says, THE MAN. Are you ready for another ocular orgasm? We’d better get started then!

The following is an excerpt from my book. I’ve decided to give you another free dosage of it here today because I’m a super swell guy. Also, I already had the graphic made up. You see the good thing about having a graphic made, is it caters to my laziness, which as you all well know by now, is profound. Hell, I’ve mastered lazy to an art form.

So, that was a nice transitional paragraph to take us to my next point. What is THE MAN. The never wrong Wikipedia defines the man as: “A slang phrase that refers to the government, leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general. In addition to its derogatory sense it has also been used as a term of respect and praise.”

I don’t consider the government to be the man. Not today. Why? Because I already did a political blog, and that would just be a repeat. Repeats are not fun. And they’re not a very good time either.

No today, we’re talking about the praise all, awesomeness that is is a fellow that we all know as: THE MAN. Are you the man? Maybe. Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But chances are likely you are not the man, but you could BE the man, through careful study and guidance of the truth that lies here within.

 

You’re asking yourself, how does cr1ck3e know so much about who is the man and why?  Well the answer to that question is simple: I am The Man. I know, it sounds cocky, but when have I ever mislead you through straight cockiness? That’s right! NEVER! And will today be any different? Nah, I’m sure I can find some great reasons to back me up on this. Besides, this is my blog and I can do what I like. Its like being an evil dictator of a country that has no citizens. In summary: Its fantastic!

Now lets dig in! Who is this man and how can I be like or become him! This is not an easy path to take, friends.. You may start into this maze and never find your way to the center. Some guys are BORN The Man. Some become them, so there is hope for you, even if you’re a sniveling mail boy in a big office building.

Confidence. This is a trait every guy you’ve ever called The Man has. He’s not even a great looking guy, that’s right! We’re not talking about Brad Pitt here, we’re talking about the average guy you know, we’ll call him Chuck. He’s not attractive. He drives a Ford Fiesta, but he has a banging hot chick or three, and every time you see him, you can help but think: What does this tool have? Confidence my friends. It its essential to becoming the man. So, next time you see that fine beauty you wish to conquer, rather than think, “She’s way to pretty for me..” You think instead: “SHE WILL BE MINE!” – Yah, its a little creepy, that’s why you just think it. Don’t think out loud where she can hear you.

Muscles. As you can see from the picture above, muscles are not an essential key to becoming The Man. They don’t hurt, sure, unless you’re so dedicated to getting them that you decide to start juicing. Remember boys, Roids shrink your balls. Muscle isn’t worth having tiny nuts for. No matter how big your muscles are, she won’t thank you for a tiny set of testies.  The most important muscles on your body are the ones that you keep in your pants, remember that. That and your tongue. Sometimes your brain. But mainly the ones in your pants, because you gotta use em else you’ll never be The Man.

A Car. Its true, while you may see your good buddy Chuck get all kinds of action jackson and drive a love bug, the truth is, that is the nicest damn bug you’ve ever seen. Its not impressive, but its clean and its functional. Then he pulls the, “this thing is saving mother earth. I believe in PEWP” card and they are putty in his hands. So while the make and model don’t really matter too much, first thing that does matter is you have one. In a recent poll, 12 out of 10 women say they won’t have sex with a schmo with no ride. This makes that ten speed you got suck. Unless you’re Lance Armstrong, its time to give up the pedal power, and get into something you can pick them up in. No girl wants to pick YOU up for a date, and they don’t want to ride the bus either. This poll excluded New York City, because only arabs and rich fucks have cars there. We’re talking the real world, not NYC. Just thought I’d make that clear. Even Amish chicks put out for wheels. Yes, they are pulled by horses, but a  back seat is a back seat, or if you’re Amish, its called a roll in the hay. 

Hair. Its true! Bald guys get play too. You do not have to have awesome anime-esque hair, or be like Eddietard from Twilight. Oh no, bald guys can be The Man too. This is the greatest thing about the world for bald people. Every notice bald guys normally have awesome beards? Its almost unfair isn’t it? Here I am, with a great head of hair, but if my life depended upon me growing a beard, I’d be dead. The good news is, I can grow hair, because lets face it, I’d look weird bald.

Passion. This is not the same thing as gay feelings. Passion is not a sign of being a sissy lala, its the sign of being The Man. Women look for it, they crave it in their men, and if you don’t have it, you won’t ever be the man. But what is Passion? Dictionary.com defines passion as:

1. Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire
3. strong sexual desire; lust
4. the object of such a fondness or desire
5. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling
6. VIOLENT ANGER! ROOAARRR!!!!
7. I put in the roar for awesomeness effects

Ok mates, so what’s this mean to you and how does it make you the man?  You can be passionate in the bedroom, yes, this is a plus and will make you The Man. But you need passion in life as well. Take for instance, if you want to put passion into something both enjoyable and useful, do as I do: Jeeps.  You’re welcome. Oh and Football doesn’t really count since girls don’t get how its awesome.

Now, I think before we go any further, I should give you fine example of The Man throughout history. This will help you curve your subpar personality and refine it into that of something greater than you could ever have thought up on your own! Ready for it?! Lets get going!

James Bond

James Bond is The Man. No matter the scenario or adversity he faces, he always finds a way to conquer those opposed to him, and he does it with a cool rugged sense. He likes to drink and he womanizes. Though it is clear that 007 truly loves each and every one of those women in his own way.

He doesn’t drink fruity girl drinks, he drinks martinis. This is pure elegance. He doesn’t talk about his feelings, because the only feeling he really has is determination. He is very passionate about whatever mission he is on, and he is passionate in the bed room. He has great hair, though originally he was a bald man in a toupee. There have been many to portray bond throughout the ages.  All of which were suave and debonair in  a way that very few men could ever become. He’s always dressed to kill and he has the confidence of 15 guys combined. He’s also always got a sweet ass car. He usually trashes it, but he gets a new one next movie. A little known fact is, yours truly was James Bond in one movie. It was one of those weird ones that didn’t have Connory, Moore, or Brosnan. I only played the role once though, as they said I was “Just too damn scary good” for the role, and so I opted out of more movies, so the franchise would continue as “James Bond” and not “cr1ck3e: secret agent” – it was for the betterment of the franchise. I’ve turned down starring in roles about my own spy life, because movies just can’t capture the awesomeness that it was.

George Washington

The original American Badass. The Man. George Washington was actually the first American THE MAN ever in the history of the world. I know, I was there. This guy was so determined, confident and passionate about killing limeys that it was only a matter of time before they tuck tailed and ran away back to England. Notice on his boat crossing the frozen Delaware how fearless he is in the face of old man winter and mother England.   This was after my time as pirate back in the day, so as an able ships captain, you’ll notice me right behind Old G, as I called him. He got to look heroic, I screamed “ROW YOU PANSY BITCHES!!!” Someone has to command the work. This was a good learning experience for me though, to learn to become an American Badass from a guy who had wooden teeth. He was also a soldier, so a little known fact about him is: He could cuss like a motherfucker. Its actually his fault I have such a foul mouth.

Julius Caesar

Another one of my gigs throughout history was hanging around him, I didn’t have to do too much, because he was always taking charge and glory. This helped me learn from one of the greats. He was confident and passionate about conquering the entire globe. No one could stop him, except his bullshit coward friends. I was out of the senate that day, the ides of March. I had matters to attend to in the bedroom with a wonderful Egyptian serving girl. When hanging out with the Emperor you get the scraps, but I was just a lad at the time and I was pleased to just hang and learn. Everyone has to have a mentor at some point, and for me, I feel blessed that I got to learn from one of the worlds true greats. The Man.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

Seriously, this guy is like James Bond times a trazillion. When James grows up, he wants to be this guy. Women want him, men want to be him. Do you know his name? No you don’t. Why? Because you’re not privileged enough. If he told it to you, you’d probably cry eternal tears because his name is music to the ears of even wild savages. He is.. the Most Interesting Man in the World. Need I say more? 

Now you have the keys to becoming The Man. You now know that a good set of hair is not necessary, but is a plus, and you can fake it with a wig. You know that you need to casually be able to drink and be suave about it. You need your car to not necessarily be a posh ride, but be nice regardless of whatever it is. Be passionate, be confident, and you will be The Man. Then your buddy Bill will be like, man, I wish I was more like cr1ck3e. And you can smile on the inside knowing that these steps were not difficult to follow, and that they are so primal and basic that its ridiculous and you never thought they’d work. But they do. Once you’ve become the man, you should have a painting done of you. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about every guy I’ve known in history that I thought, “Wow! This guy is THE MAN!” Its that there is an awesome painting of them. That is why, before attacking Napoleon’s ships with my good friend, Lord Nelson, I had one done up of me. In case I died, I wanted people to check it out in a museum in London and be like, “HE WAS THE MAN!” So, I had it painted. Full dress uniform. Don’t have a uniform of your own? Go get one! Fake it till you make it chumps. And remember…

Stay thirsty my friends.