The Coolest People Ever

rai, this one's for you.

The coolest people in the world, ever, of all time. That's a huge honor to have and those who get to have it are a blessed people who wear this badge with pride. Who are these people, you ask? Or perhaps you're thinking, "Hey! I'm cool too!" You know what? You may be right! Then again, you may be wrong too. Oooo, but should we find out? Lets!

The coolest people in the world, ever, of all time, times infinity, plus 4.. are.. Jeep owners. That's right, Jeep owners. You might be thinking, hey! I am cool, but I am not a jeep owner! This may be very true, you may be cool without being a jeep owner.. but it is fundamentally wrong to ever consider yourself one of the elite coolest people of all time ever in the history of the world times infinity plus four without currently owning a jeep. Now, lets be a bit more specific.. I'm not talking about about owning a grand cherokee or a commander or a liberty or patriot. I'm talking about a real jeep. A CJ, YJ, TJ, or JK. Those other jeep brands are definitely cool, but just not as cool. Now lets get down to the facts.

I of course, as you may have already known, or if didn't already know- have probably guessed by now.. am a Jeep owner. That's one hellova pat on the back for me, for it marks me as one of the lucky ones. I am your typical Jeep owner, I swear by them, I love them, I hate them. I use it as a daily commuter, I use it as a toy. I've put more blood, sweat, and tears into a jeep than anyone should ever have to do.. and yet, ever Jeep owner knows exactly what I mean. My current jeep is a TJ, but this is in fact, my third jeep I'm now driving. This means I'm also experienced. I also spent a good 9 years as NOT being a Jeep owner. This gives me the view point from the other side of the fence. You know the saying, the grass is always greener? Well for Jeep owners, the grass is greener, bitches. Now let's discuss why.

History

Jeeps were created for one thing and one thing only. Killin Nazis. That pretty much means they are like GIJoe, Transformers, and He-Man all in one sweet as vehicle. Seriously, they were made for WW2, and doing everything a person can do with a vehicle. And if you can do one great thing with any car, its kill a Nazi.

Styling

Jeeps have a very distinct styling. That style can only be described as "Fuckin awesome" or "A Jeep" Let's fuck around with some pictures and take a look at the styling!

The original. Isn't she beautiful? She's army green, shes got army stars, and she can kick your skinny little ass! This is the original go anywhere do anything vehicle. This is the CJ3, and if you look at this picture and you start to feel twitterpated, you know that maybe, just maybe, you should own a jeep.

Ahh look at this darling. She's a CJ5, the next gen after the CJ3. This is what I had for Jeeps #1 and 2 for me. They've got a wicked short wheel base and super fast turning. They climb, the roll, they rule the offroading world! Now, you may be starting to drool. This is a good thing, it means you've some life in you afterall.

During the reign of the 5, the 7 was introduced. The government really pushed this beauty because she was a bit longer wheel base and thus, a bit safer! But still you can see, these sisters were very similar looking, and if you love the 5, you love the 7 too. Look at these designs, we started off in the 40's, we've now covered all the way into the 1980's and these dolls are still so similar looking, its magic.

Welcome to the early 90's and the birth of the YJ! This pretty girl had a style change, and that was to square headlights! You may think, WHAT THE FUCK! But it's still rad and makes her a bit different. Shes still a jeep though, and she's still one gorgeous betty. Seriously, get a napkin, the drooling is a bit out of control. rai has a YJ. She's hot.

The birth of the TJ brought new innovention, a comfier interior and it took us right into the 2000's. This girl also saw the return of the trademark round headlights. Shes a pinup of epic preportions and shes also one loveable go anywhere do anything girl. If you're a guy, you know you love girls who will go anywhere and do anything. Don't deny it.

Finally we've reached modern day and the JK! This girl is just as able as every other jeep before her, and not only that but she's styled pretty much the same, which again, that makes her hot. She can skill rock the offroads, but is even more comfortable on the highway. Now that your eyes are bulging out of your head with a view of nearly 60 years of history with little or no styling changes, lets move on!

The Brotherhood of the Jeep

Being a Jeep owner is like belonging to a secret club that no one else is invited to. Countless times driving I find myself being waved to by a total stranger who, like me, is in a jeep. Its a brotherhood. When you park alone in a parkinglot, and another jeep pulls in, they will likely park next to you. Why? Because Jeeps stick together. Also, they probably want to look at your jeep too. From stock to yoked, every jeep owner loves jeeps. When I did some christmas shopping, I found myself parking next to a jeep at best buy. As I was getting out, he walked up to his jeep. We are complete strangers and then we sat there and talked about how rad jeeps are for a good 30 minutes. That doesn't just happen, chuckles. Not with any other kind of car. Think about it this way. You own a Kia. How many people do you know that own Kia's say: "I FUCKING LOVE THIS KIA!!!!" -- thats right, zero. Now, how many people do you *know* have a kia? Do you sit around and talk about your Kia's? Of course not, even if you had a friend who would admit to having a Kia, they'd never sit around and bullshit about it. Now you want the comparison. How many jeep owners do I know? Well.. the answer is.. 6. Beat that, bitch. And yes, we do sit around and discuss the awesomeness of Jeeps. We also go out and dominate the offroad with our Jeeps, and commend each other on our jeeps awesomeness. rai's YJ is 17 yrs old. When he went to buy the tags, someone with a massively yoked YJ parked next to him. When he came out, he admired the fellows jeep, and the fellow ran up and introduced himself. He knew rai was buying his tags, so he saw him as a brand new jeep owner, and wanted to welcome him to the brotherhood. That shit just doesn't happen with any other car culture.

The Dirt Factor

Cars are funny. You get them, you keep them shiney and pretty and you admire the way the sparkle in the sun. Jeep owners do this as well. Observe rai's prettiness and how proud he was of the prettiness.. so proud he posted it on facebook, sent me a text AND a fucking email. That's loving your vehicle's prettiness.

Now this is one fuckin pretty jeep! Nice job, with the photo op! Look at the flashes on the hood and wheels, mmmm, you're very turned on now. You definitely want one, I can tell. Heres the really cool thing about jeeps. Unlike your pretty SUV, Kia, or Camry, they don't ahve to be sparkley clean to be pretty. Jeeps also look fantasical when they're dirty as fuck. Which of course, I had to remind rai of when he sent me this picture.

You see? Now you understand that not only are they fuckin hot when they're clean, but they're fuckin hot when they're muddy as hell. This makes them the perfect vehicle for anyone. I can see you're turned on now, but the shows not over yet. Hold on tight, we've got some more to cover!

Weather

It seems everytime the snow falls form the sky, every jeep in town comes out of the woodwork. All the people sliding around nervously see us roll by and think to themselves, "Whatta fuckin asshole!" Why do they think that? Because we're still driving like its sunny, warm and clear. Because we can. I know this to be fact, because as I said before, for 9 years I too felt jeep envy. Weather also effects parking situations. When at Christmas time I found myself at a mall, I noticed there was something very wrong. First off, there was no parking. Secondly what little parking was left was where all the plows had pushed piles of snow. So I myself, and about 7 other jeeps I saw took advantage of this situation, and we improvised.

Lets see your kia do that. The fact is, there are things one can only do with a jeep, things such as this..is one of them. It just doesn't look right if you try it in a different vehicle, and people look at you and say, man.. that guy really ought to own a jeep. Don't be a poser, don't be *that* guy. Just get the real thing. If you're wondering about whether or not a girl can drive a jeep.. The answer is, um. What? Seriously, if you are female and you want to not only enhance your coolness, but your hot factor, you will go out and buy a jeep NOW! Don't delay, purchase today. Well right now that I'm writing this, its actually sunday, so you'll have to go tomorrow, but you get the meaning. Why wait, is all I'm saying. And think of how wonderful it will be when you wake on a snow packed day and you know that only bitches driving other kinds of cars will be worried about the road conditions. For instance, this following picture was of a day that didn't stop me.

Choices, choices..

So you now know you will go out and buy yourself a jeep and become one of the elite. But there are more choices than just the normal 2 door or 4 door.. and what colour?! Well, first off, lets assume you're smart and you want to buy a Wrangler (YJ/TJ/JK) - You do have colour choice of course, and YES! There ARE even 4 door models! But theres also a longer than normal 2 door, and thats the Unlimited. Theres a Rubicon, so you don't have to do so much to get her badass on the trail.. Theres the X, the Sport, the Safari.

Hard Top? Soft Top? No Top? Bikini Top? Safari Top? No Doors? Soft Doors, Hard Doors? Full Doors, Half Doors? I don't see any other car, truck, or suv with that kind of customizationabilities. So, get creative. I myself like the full doors, and soft top in the winter.. Safari top, full doors, deck cover and cargo straps in the summer. Do your homework you'll know what I mean. And when you join the ranks of the coolest people of all time ever in the history of the world of all time.. the rest of us.. we'll know.

Thank you.

Countries of the World

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Gladiator vs. Braveheart

This is an age old question dating back to the dawn of time. I actually took a poll once, at work, as to who would win in an epic grudgematch. They got it wrong, so today, many years later, I'm here to correct it and show the truth. Today we will answer who will win in a fight to the death.. William Wallace vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Today, you have the opportunity to guess who you think will be the real winner. Guess now.

....


Can you hear the Jeopardy music?


TIMES UP!

I am an epic movie connoisseur. (thats right, I looked up how to spell that word.) Seems some of you have been criteekink mah lak ov speln skilz. i don cayr fer spelnz. sos, shutupz.

Back to the task. Yes, epic movies. They're great. you watch them once, I watch them fifty trillion times. Its true. And thats for many reasons. A. They rock, 2. Theres usually bewbz in them. That said, i really do watch the crap outta these kinds of movies, because they're awesome. SO, that makes me an expert on this subject. Also, we're gonna add some real to this post. some HISTORY, thats right ladies and germs. History. Not like that horrible Michael Jackson album HIStory. We're talking back to highschool shit. Are you ready? You better be!

These two goddamn epic titans are about to square off, one on one. Its like the old nintendo game Jordan vs Bird, except niether of them is black, and there is no basketball. Other than that. Identical. As you can see, at our first look at these two contenders that Maximus wears armor. This brings up two important points of interest.

1. He is smart because he wants to live longer
2. He is a pussy compared to the berserker style combant that Wallace uses
   
   

How do you rate this advantage? Well since this is a grudge match, you'd want to award points to Maximus for being smart and wearing it. Also, you award points to Wallace for toughness. For Maximus the armour can be restricting though, and thus slows his movement down, no matter how much dirt he rubs on his hands. That said, if a slash comes at him poorly, he can take the brunt of it and live. The outcome:

Draw

Next up, lets look once again at armor.

Maximus wears a helm. Granted is a sweet fuckin helm. I mean, if you HAD to pick a helmet to wear, wouldn't you wear this one? Of course you would. It covers the important parts, like your nose.. I mean, if you lose an eye, you still got one good one. If you lose your nose, imagine how disfigured and ugly you'd be. Also, you couldn't smell. That'd totally suck. So, again, he's wearing armor to protect himself and you have to give pointers to that, but in the long run, those pointers only point so far. If someone hit him with a hammer, say.. he'd still be dead. If you're chopping at someones noggin like that, you're likely aiming for the neck. So, yes- the helm protects against a little, but not nearly as much as a badass suit of armor does.

William Wallace on the other hand, does not wear a pansy ass helm. He wears sweet ass blue facepaint, and the blood of his enemies. Pros and cons? Obviously, if someone tossed a rock at you, it'd hurt worse. If someone chopped at you, you'd still be just as able to be beheaded. But, you could lose a nose. We've already discussed this matter.

The fact you're not wearing a helm makes your eye and head movement less restricted. You don't look like a badass in this silver monstrosity with fuckin rad spikes all over it, but you look UNHOLY with the blood of your enemies splattered all over your skin. So the outcome?

Advantage Wallace

Next up, lets talk about style points. This is a tough one. Now all of you are thinking, yes, armor is way cooler than wearing a skirt! Ok first off, its a kilt so piss off, wanker! Secondly, if you notice, not only did Maximus wear a gayby blue potatoe sack under his armour, but also no pants, thus they both wear skirts. Maximus fights because he wants to honor the old Cesar and give Rome back to the people. He is PISSED because they killed his ol lady and his kid! BASTARDS! William Wallace fights because he wants to free Scotland from the tyrany of the English fucksticks who've been picking on them for a long time! He's PISSED because they killed his brother, his father, and then his wife! BASTARDS! Style points:

Draw

Now, we'll talk history. HISTORY! Yay! You love it. As we all know, the Scotts have never managed to conquer.. well, pretty much anything. Where as the Roman's went across the world conquering all in their path! One would think this would give them an advantage in this area, ahh but there is a rub you maybe don't know. The Roman's invated Britain and conquered. But, the Scotts were pissed and kept fighting back. The barbarian's to the north were such a pain in the ass to the Roman's they actually built a wall to keep them out. Some of that wall still stands today, its called Hadrian's Wall. (its not very impressive looking anymore) Eventually, the Roman's had enough and just straight left. Chalk one up for Scotland.

Advantage Wallace


Time for more history, don't pretend like your bored, you know you're learning something.
We've covered armor, now lets cover weaponry. Roman's had wonderful little swords. I say little with a bit of jest, but its true.. they used short swords. The Scotts mostly used Claymores. As for that, thats a big fuckin sword. Often time's they'd wrap it on the blade and use it as a spear as well. Scotland has always had a flare for the dramatic. Sure it'd be easier to use a spear, but cmon, swords are so much cooler. Check it.


Now, if you were gonna fight someone man to man, which would you choose? Already can you hear the taunts of "Mine's bigger!!" I bet you can you sicko! So for weaponry..

Advantage Wallace


Moving on. Before we speak of this anymore, lets look at one more thing. Both of these guys claimed to want to be farmers. Maximus stated in the beginning of the film he wants to go "harvest crops" -- Wallace said much the same, "Raise crops and God willing, a family." So both of these guys are farmers. Now you understand why all the hicks in highschool thought they were badass. They're not, they don't go around cutting people apart viciously with a sword. Oh no, they just listened to Toby Keith and mucked stalls. Fuck'm. But, there's something we've over looked.. And that is.. Military training. Wallace learned how to use a sword from his uncle.. Maximus was a soldier of Rome. That makes him a badass. Wallace was labeled the Lord and High Protector of Scotland. Maximus was a General. This is all very similar. But we must look straight at the facts. Maximus was a formally trained soldier DESPITE the fact that he REALLY just wanted to be a farmer.


Advantage Maximus





Now, I can think of nothing more to point out. We've covered the facts, we've covered the historical stand points, and we've covered the badassness of each man. Before we tally up the numbers, I should also add, neither one of these guys died like bitches. Maximus was poisoned, and then beat the Cesar man to man before croaking. Wallace refused poison and was really fucked up by the English. Eternal glory for each! Now! To the numbers!

• Draws = 2
• Maximus = 1
• Wallace = 3

And the winner, by resounding score is WILLIAM WALLACE!!!!

Was there ever a doubt this guy would kick the shit out of Maximus. Sure Maxipad is a trained soldier, and he's fighting with vengance and honor. But Wallace is also fighting with honor, vengance, and he has something else, he's a fucking animal. Also, its basic math. His sword's reach is far too big for Maximus to get inside of the guard, and thus, Maxi loses a quick battle. But, his hands were dirty at the end, the way he always wanted.

Thank you.

Burger Joints

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