Frozen Food. It's just wrong.

Do you disagree? How could you? How DARE you? Frozen food is not right on so many levels that we must now discuss so I can infuse you with light, truth, and everything else wonderful in the world. Are you ready? Good.

I'm poor. How dare you laugh? As we all know, poor people eat frozen foods. Why? Cheap. Also, I'm cheap. That's right, I'm cheap. You know, I wasn't born Jewish, but somewhere along the way I think I converted to the practical lifestyles of the Jewish community. I don't like to spend money, if I had more of it, maybe I'd enjoy spending it more.. But lets face the truth. I'm a white american with no cougar to take care of me. It's a sad state of affairs, but it is also one I have to live with. So my credentials. There they are. Laugh it up. I know you are. Ass.

First off, let me state my thesis. Frozen food sucks. Through the following bit, I shall show you the reason's as to why it sucks, but also, why it doesn't. That's right, we have a conundrum on our hands, and through this tutorial of pain, we will discover the truth.

I really hate those truth commercials. But it seemed somewhat of a good idea to add that logo on here. I'm hating myself for doing it, but, just remember, the TRUTH about smoking is, you've the right to damn it! Enjoy!

Where were we? Ah right. So you're pushing your cart around the shopping market, thinking, what can I buy for the minimal amount of change possible? And then it hits you! There are very few options. How sad. So, you hit up the first necessity. Ramen. Yah, it sucks, but if you boil it in beer, its better! Ahh, then you find it. Your heaven, the frozen isle.

Lets face it, you can't afford to buy steak, or chicken. Cooking is hard work. And if you're like me, then you look a nice slice of uncooked meat and you think to yourself, "that would be really good cooked, if someone would cook it for me." But- they won't. You're on your own, so why not just find something you can zap in your trusty microwave and call it good.
The problem is, you can't really call it good. Because its not. Look at the facts. Who ever cooked this meal for the first time had the strangest sense of humor in the history of the world. Can you imagine? "Hey lets make this really awful and bland food, freeze what little taste it has out of it, and then we'll SELL IT TO POOR PEOPLE! AAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

That, my friends, was the cruelest joke ever played on humanity. Way more cruel than the Buffalo Bills losing 4 SuperBowls in a row. So we go and pick out something that looks "good" - here's the real joke though, and you need to know this, because its on you. The picture on the bag... looks nothing like the finished product you get on your plate. What you end up with is something that didn't completely thaw in places, and in other places it was nuked into some form of goo that doesn't resemble anything other than cat vomit. And yet, you spent 3$ on that meal, you're out of rammen, so you eat it anyways. Later, you wish you hadn't, but that's a different story all together.

You know, look at the "snacks" you can get. Pizza rolls. First off, its not like this is a slice of pizza rolled up into a goodness that you can snack on. Oh no, no, no.. it is not a pizza, nor is it a roll. It's an anomoly of the world. It doesn't make sense. It has no rhyme or reason. Furthermore, it does not TASTE like pizza, nor does it taste like a roll. It's a nuclear hot, and filled mostly with air so warm it could melt Syberia. Then, yay, you bite in, and its filled with some form of what MIGHT be a tomato based mush, and you realize.. this is not pizza all rolled up. This guy fucked me.

Hot Pockets are the Devil.
Why are they called hot pockets? What they need to be called is pockets of scalding hot molten goo.

Seriously. You bite into it, the first thing that happens is tears well up in your eyes, your tongue melts a little bit, and the worst part of all, you actually burn the top of your mouth. Somewhere in your brain you're screaming, SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT! But your wallet speaks louder and says, These bitches are expensive. ENDURE THE PAIN! So what do you do? Like a fool, you endure the pain. This is a blessing in disguise though, for all hotpockets taste the same and it's one flavor: Bad. What is the secret blessing? Your tastebuds have been scortched into oblivion and you can no longer taste a damn thing. So, does it taste bad? hell yes it does. Do you know it? Nope, and ignorance is bliss.

Then there's the frozen asian meals. Those are fine. Why? It is because asian food tastes different no matter where you go. There are no two "chinese" resturaunts with the same flavor, and so you think to yourself, who is right here? It's same as asking what came first chicken or egg? No one know. So, is same with Asian food. All taste different. So frozen is just different from resturaunt.

Then there's the king of all frozen food.

That's right. Stouffer's. These guy's have actually put time in effort into their food so it has more than the flavor of cardboard and tomato base. And more substance than that of the consistancy of half frozen have nuclear slime.

This is our conundrum. This is the riddle. But here's the answer. Stouffer's is generally much more expensive, so it was a good day at work for you to splurge for that shit. So, it's a rare treat, to say the least.

And there you have it. Does it suck? Oh yes, but is it available to you to sustain life and your primal need for food? Yes, it will also do that. Is it affordable? Yes. Can any moron cook it? Yes. Well, maybe.

Thank you.

The Top 10 Greatest Guitarists.

Once again, the title says it all. Ahh, ten people though.. fortunately for you, the reader, I am a bit long winded and can bullshit my way through anything. This is another situation where I have found myself thinking on this subject for a long time, and therefore I have all the answers already, so before we begin, go get a snack.
Yummy! Are you ready now? Alright, that took a bit longer than I thought you'd take, didn't realize you were gonna run out like that but it's ok, I still love you. Let's go!

You've heard it before, me bragging about how wise in my many years I am. How my stint as a DJ has honed my musical taste and abilities to judge. How as a red blooded American I have the right to impose my will and opinion on you no matter if you like it or not.. Do I need to repeat myself? Well apparently I do, and here's why: You're still saying to yourself, who is this guy, and why in the world would I ever listen to him. That's an excellent question. I also like Sprite. Obey your Thirst. Thats wisdom.

Number 10

Brian May: Queen

This may come as a shock to you to read. Most of you will likely read it over and go, wait, who? This guy is a badass. Make no mistake, this ass kicking band from the 70's and 80's had some seriously potent guitar work from this maestro. Know what else makes him a badass? He plays a shitload of instruments! Guitar, Bass, Banjo, Piano (and subsiquently, Keyboards), he can also play the harp. Don't call him gay because of the harp thing, you know deep down in your soul that's just cool, and if you're a girl, you're thinking about the serenading possibilities of such an instrument and you're swooning now. It's ok, you can keep swooning. This fool can also sing, and did so many times in many songs. Want to know something else? He's smarter than you. And me. This wizard of the six strings is also an astrophysicist. And the final cool note for him is this: He was made Commander of the Order of the British Empire in 2005 for "services to the music industry". That's just cool. Check out this wicked ass video of him jamming. It's long, you'll love it. Promise.

Number 9

Carlos Santana

Now, it doesn't matter what genre of music you're into. Everyone knows this guy. It could be that its because he has done a duet/song with about every recording artist in the history of music. Seriously, this guy is the Kevin Bacon of the music world. That does not take away from his ability to jam like a sonovabitch though. This guy plays a style of music which can only be described, in my opinion, as SANTANA. It's Jazz, it's blues, it's latin, it's salsa.. It's Santana. This guy can work the strings slow and melodic, putting you into a relaxed trance like state, and then he jerks you back awake when his guitar wails uncontrollably like a banshee in heat. He can also sing, and hell, he speaks spanish. He's also been sporting the porn star mustache for his entire life. After listening, you're wondering, is he a rock star? Hell ya. What else makes him a rock star? When he was in Highschool he asked to play at the prom. They told him no, he was too hard rock for them. When he was asked to play at his Highschool reuinion, he told them no, he was too hard rock for them. That's not a grudge, that's a badass move. Kudos to you, Mr. Santana, you're a badass. Still don't believe? Let me show you then:

Number 8

Stevie Ray Vaughan

I won't lie. I'm not the biggest fan of this guy, but that does not mean he can't jam. He was more of a blues artist, but if you turn your radio to the classic rock station, you'll hear his wailing. Not just the wailing of his guitar either, that's right boys and girls, this fool could sing too! You know, some of the most impressive guitarists in the history of the world never used their voices. But to be a badass on the guitar and lend your voice to the crowd, that makes you something much more magical. What else can make you a king like good 'ol SRV? Being able to play that shit behind your back. Check this out, you won't be disappointed.

Number 7

Jerry Cantrell: Alice in Chains

Once again, I prove to you all how unbias my opinion really is. How? Easily on this list, this guy is my favorite guitarist, and yet I have not ranked him at number 1. That says something to the effect of my honesty. Moving on.. This guy is a miricle worker, and easily the best guitarist to come out of the grunge era of music, and still jams the way he always did, unlike whats left of the Seattle Grunge bands. What makes his solo's so great are not their technicality, or their length, but their emotion. Oh yes, I said it.. guitars with emotions. When he plays, you can hear his soul bared for you on the strings, some solo's are slow, some are fast, some are blues-y, some are just heavy metal.. but all of them displays the emotions he felt while writing the music, and that makes him a God of Rock. I've picked a short solo for you to see exactly what I mean when I talk about his emotion. Is this his best solo? You decide. Others are far more technical than this one.. but you'll know exactly what I mean when you watch this.

Number 6

Herman Li: Dragonforce

Alright guitar hero fans, I had to do it. This guy is an animal, but he's not a crazy ass big headed guitar hero himself. Furthermore, he creates noises on his guitar, and then puts them all together to make what turns into an INSANE guitar solo. The greatest thing about Dragonforce is just about every song is a showcase of his talent. Now, heres the bad news. I couldn't find a great video with great sound of him just jamming on stage, so I've selected just a music video, but it showcases his badassness. You'll like it, and if you don't you're probably a vegitable.

Let me be the first to welcome you to the top five. Already we have covered some excellent guitarists, and after seeing the videos I've put up for you musical enjoyment, you're surely thinking to yourself, "How can these guys be topped?" Or maybe you already know... If you know, please keep it to yourself and keep down in front, we don't want to ruin the experience for everyone else now do we?

Number 5

Joe Satriani

Alright, now heres a guy who once again, magically displays emotion in his string work. This guy is so good though, he's also known for his ability to teach other guitarists how to become Gods as well. Remember when you were in school and you thought all your teachers sucked ass? You obviously never had this badass as a teacher, but who has? Steve Vai, Tom Morello, Larry LaLonde, Kirk Hammett, Charlie Hunter, Kevin Cadogan, to name a few. If you don't know who they are, I've linked them all to the never wrong wikipedia for your educational enjoyment. So, to sum it up, his playing is amazing, his playing is emotional, and goddamnit, he's taught other guitarists how to be great. He's pretty much like Mr. Wizard.

Number 4

Slash: Guns n Roses/Velvet Revolver

With a name like Slash, I wouldn't think I'd have to explain who this guy is, or why he is so great.. but, I will anyways, because if I didn't have to, there'd be no reason for me to be sitting her compiling all these words for you and lets face it.. I'm doing it to kill off an afternoon. Slash. This guy is really a rockstar. Look at him, he's got the hair, the top hat, the cigarette hanging from his mouth and the general look of "fuck society" - That is a rock star. Beyond that, he's a brilliant guitarist who works the strings with precision and glory. This guy eats and breathes talent. Take a minute and look up the VMA's from like, 91.. November Rain featuring Elton John. It's a long as video to go through to get to the Slash solo work, so I'll let you surf it yourself, but its worth watching. But, I will provide proof as to his brilliance, and maybe even if your lucky there won't be any Axel Rose trying to steal the show. Maybe.

Number 3

Jimmy Paige: Led Zeppelin

How could I not go there? If you read the blog about the top 5 greatest rock songs of all time, you know that this guy writes music not with his head, but with his soul. He's also one of the most important people to ever hit the music scene of all time. His fingers are fast, but he's not just an insanely fast guitarist, he's writes it slow, he writes it screaming. He's just that good. His playing is so crisp and sweet it makes you want to stand up and slap your mama. Here's something that set him as a pioneer as well: The thought and imagination it takes to try new things. This guy actually started using a cello bow to play the guitar, which gave it a crazy ass sound, and no one had tried it before. Easily a canidate for the number one slot of all time, but today he comes in 3rd. Right now, say a prayer of thanks to Jimmy Paige, he'll hear it. He practices black magic.

Number 2

Jimi Hendrix

This was a tough decision, I mean, c'mon... Is he really number two or number one? Today he falls into the number two slot, so if you know much about guitarists, then the number one slot will be easy to guess, but we're not there so let's pay homage to this maestro of psychedelic. He was so fantastical that he HEADLINED Woodstock. Now that says something about your badassness. He ripped out the National Anthem and that's become immortalized. I mean really, who wants to hear a marching band perform it after hearing Hendrix? He played guitar solos with his TEETH. He played left handed and there were no such things as left handed guitars. And he sang, granted he wasn't the best singer ever, but seriously, this guy was the human embodiment of talent. He didn't create just music, he created a living art, and though he's been gone for longer than I've been alive, his art is still heard and recognized all over the world to this very day.

Number 1

Eddie Van Halen

We've reached the number one, and it may come as a surprise to you all to see who it is. As I've said before, most people consider Hendrix number one, but I decided to go a different route, and now I'll explain why. This guy was so fast, he's often known as "Six Fingered Eddie" - a name like that just tells you what you're all about. And now you're saying, whats that? It tells you that either you're the badest guitarist of all time, or Inigo Montoya is gonna come kill yo ass. This guy was also a visionary, using his imagination to create a new sound no one had ever heard of, playing on the neck of his guitar.. His creativity bolster by his skill has elevated him to the number one slot in guitarists of all time. All hail the king, and now, to give you the description of the following video:

WARNING: This video may cause serious injury or death, side effects may include melting of face due to awesomeness, hair falling out, and eyes and ears to explode! Only few people were able to survive this level of awesome like ediie him self, jimmy page, CHUCK NORRIS, Jimi hendrix, reggie blackmoore. .Even superman suffered a comah and The hulk died!ERUPTION!

Thank you to the poster of this video for that accurate portrayal of what you're about to see and witness. Please view it with caution.

Thank you.

Vegas Trip and Concert Review!

Vegas baby, Vegas. The story of my post Christmas - pre New Years is an interesting one, and with it comes an unlikely review for you all to feast your eyes, your hearts, and your minds upon. And so, it starts off with a drive to Las Vegas.

I'd like to take a moment to address something that was bought to my attention. Someone told me that I sounded angry in my posts. You, the reader, should know- that I am not that angry of a fellow. I would say this though, there are disclaimers on your right for a reason. It's all in good fun, but for just this once, I will try to make this review:

First, I'll give you a review of Las Vegas. If you've not gone before, you should be packing your bags right now, as we speak. Theres no sense in prolonging the inevitable. Go now. You can thank me later. Now, I went to Vegas for a particular reason. This time it was not the hookers, strippers and booze. Ok, so I'm lying. But I did go there for another reason, and that was the reason I've traveled many miles many times before, and it was.. A concert. Now, lets do it!

This is not my first concert, nor, I'm sure, will it be my last. I've been to amazing shows, I've booed bands off a stage. Now, this is where my credentials get a bit.. tricky. As I've surely made it fairly clear, I'm a rock music fan, and thats where the twist is. That's right, you just stepped yourself into the thickening plot of an M.Night Shamalan blog. The show I saw:

Oh yes, this group is.. what? Hiphop? Rap? Both? There in lies the oddity of it all. The fact that I'd ever even go see the Black Eyed Peas is just.. preposterous, yes? Of course, that's what is going to make it interesting. Now, before I talk about them, since I want to add some content to this blog, we'll talk about the opening band first. The opening "band" was:

Pitbull

This is a group/rapper that I'll first say, I've never heard of. After that comment, you should also know, I'd never heard any of their songs! Yes! The plot thickens! They came on with a lot of energy, they were very loud, and seemed really.. happy. Yes, happy to be on stage, grateful to be playing before the Black Eyed Peas.. and why should they not? So, they came out, happy, energetic and they were.. really quite good. Are you shocked? Probably not as shocked as I was to witness it. As we all know, many times opening bands suck the taint off of a Vegas hooker, and thus making the headliner that much better.. but this was not the case. Their songs were well performed, they stage presence was great, and they were really very good. I recommend.. and I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I recommend getting their album. Soon. Don't go now, I will be sad to see you leave.. Go after reading though. Theres not much need to delay the inevitable, but this is a keen need because you need to know all the things I'm going to say about the headliner, for it is very important. Kinda.

The Black Eye Peas

The Headliners. What can I say about them? I've never been a huge fan. I don't pretend to worship Fergie or any member of the band. Really, band seems a poor description of them.. lets call them a "Group" - so the group, I've never been a huge fan of them. Lets pretend you're like me, and you don't know much about this group, and so I, being the nice guy I am, decided that I should do the research for you and bring forth education upon us all. So, heres what I learned... Credits to the never wrong Wikipedia.

This group is composed of a few members:

• Fergie. She's tall, she's hot, and goddamn can she sing. This chick is worth seeing with or without this group. If you want to spend an hour plus salivating profusly, then go see her.
  
• will.i.am: This fellow is the brains of the group. He raps, he sings, he writes, he writes music, he plays instruments, he is the cofounder of the group and he is.. a badass.
  
• Taboo: He's a rapper, he's a singer, and he is also a cofounder of the group. Its rather tall, skinny, and he's a blackbelt in some form of martial arts. That makes me a tough bastard.
  
• apl.de.ap: This guy is the true story of the American Dream. A poor childhood, a poor upbringing, and then an amazing rise to fame, fortune, and glory. This guy is a rapper, a singer, but he can also mix music like a bad sonovabitch.
  

So now you know, and lets get on with the show!

This concert, for lack of a better word.. was awesome. Yes! The hits keep coming, the shocking tale never stops! This show was GOOD! It was really good, and did it make me a fan? Absofuckinlootly. They came on and did their singing, grouping, dancing, rapping, and all that jazz. Fergie was gorgeous.. She was, for once again lack of a better word, "Fergalicioius"

It was, from start to finish a very entertaining show. I'd actually list it in my top five for best shows I've seen. It wasn't the best, but it was better than say... Default. Yah, remember them? I do, they were good! Not this good. Moving on.

So after doing their group thing for a bit, they did a bit of solo work. That was... well it was really fucking impressive, it was.. pimptastic. First came will.i.am's gig.

He came out and freestyled for like 10 minutes straight. For all you rock listeners like me, that means he made up and rapped some shit for a long ass time. It was impressive. It was really impressive and I don't like rap.

Then up was Fergie. Did I tell you she's hot? She is like a walking orgasm. Its beautiful. She came out and did a couple songs from her solo stuff, which were ok, and they were just dandy, and she was wearing a short ass skirt. I drooled. She sang. I don't remember the words, I don't remember the songs.. ok I do, "Glamorous" and "Big Girls Don't Cry" -- but thats besides the point. What was the point? She's Fergie. It was very nicely done.

Then came Taboo. This guy came out and sat on a motorcycle made out of lightbrights, and it was raised in the air and lifted out over the crowd, where he then rapped/sang. This was absolutley rad. Anytime a performer is swung out over the crowd, its impressive! I don't remember his songs, I don't remember if he sang or rapped. I won't lie, during his performance I was mezmerized by his lightbright motorcylce and, I was checking out a hot chick in front of me the whole time. I'm male. I have priorities.

Finally apl.de.ap: This guy came on, I paid attention. He was.. rad. He came out and was raised up on a platform, he brought out a turntable and a laptop and there he mixed music for about ten minutes or so. And he didn't just mix ramdom shit that was his, he mixed a lot of shit! He started off with some beats, he added in some House of Pain, some Nirvana, Michael Jackson, -- ALL KINDS OF SHIT. It was impressive. He turned the event centre at Mandalay Bay into a club for a short while, and the crowd loved him for it.

They then reunited as a group, and the continued on with their stuff, and it was glorious. I should say that I was on the floor, not a seat. I was about six feet from the stage.. and if you've ever been in that position than you know, it is a hard thing, to have a bad show that close. But it can happen. This was not a bad show. I'll take this moment to tell a side story. While waiting for the Peas to come on stage, a mid 40's crack whore tried to push her way closer to the stage. If in this position, you know you show up EARLY to get to the stage. This dumb twat did not. So she tried to push her way to the front, but there was no more room for her, so she failed. A fellow next to me finally told her to back the fuck up, and she got... very angry. But she backed away. It was then I told him, "You should throw an elbow at her." He said to me, "I can't hit a girl!" So I retorted with, "I did not say hit her, I said throw an elbow." We had a good laugh. Then when the concert started she forcefully pushed her way back up. This crack whore started jumping about like a retard with an ice cream cone. Well, in her jumping, she was jumping into.. everyone around. Throwing elbows carelessly. Everyone was starting to get upset when, our hero, the fellow I spoke of before.. took my advice. He..threw.. an elbow.. It was glorious and that insane cracked out bitch fell to the floor! HAHAHA! I laughed like that. HAHAHAHA!!! Well then her cracked out old man showed up and tried to pick a fight but he disappeared, as everyone pushed him back out of the way. Glorious. I've never been more proud to see someone take my advice, and look at how well it worked! After that, the concert was even more wonderful.

Back to the show. Nearing the end of the concert they were all together again, the dancers were on stage, Fergie was lovely, life was grand. And so before the end of the show, during their hit song "BoomBoomPOW!" Some girl in front of me passed straight the fuck out. Not fun. Fortunatly there were a couple nurses near me, and they tried to attend to her quickly. Quicker than the paramedics showed up. Taboo took notice, taking off his glasses the first time and looking about. Then a minute or so later he saw again, and looking concerned he did motion to a stage hand and then the paramedics showed up. Pretty effn sweet to see a popular music star take concern for someone in the crowd. To that I give you props sir.

So there you have it, the complete lo-down on how it went down for the Black Eyed Peas.

• Talent
• Upbeat
• Fun
• Good live show
• Great messages
• Lots of pretty lights
• Happy crowd
• No fights
• Vegas
• Hot Chicks Everywhere
• Fergie

That's right, an A fuckin Plus. Take that rock fans. I was shocked too. I'd advise seeing them, and since the show, I'm a fan. Will I go out and get their music? Maybe so. You should too. So with that, the review is completed.

While there, I played around the Palms and Mandalay Bay. I've been in both before, and I would populate their rooms again. I'd advise you do the same. And after 3 days in Vegas, you too will be able to hang one of these on your door.

Thank you.