Frozen Food. It's just wrong.

Do you disagree? How could you? How DARE you? Frozen food is not right on so many levels that we must now discuss so I can infuse you with light, truth, and everything else wonderful in the world. Are you ready? Good.

I'm poor. How dare you laugh? As we all know, poor people eat frozen foods. Why? Cheap. Also, I'm cheap. That's right, I'm cheap. You know, I wasn't born Jewish, but somewhere along the way I think I converted to the practical lifestyles of the Jewish community. I don't like to spend money, if I had more of it, maybe I'd enjoy spending it more.. But lets face the truth. I'm a white american with no cougar to take care of me. It's a sad state of affairs, but it is also one I have to live with. So my credentials. There they are. Laugh it up. I know you are. Ass.

First off, let me state my thesis. Frozen food sucks. Through the following bit, I shall show you the reason's as to why it sucks, but also, why it doesn't. That's right, we have a conundrum on our hands, and through this tutorial of pain, we will discover the truth.

I really hate those truth commercials. But it seemed somewhat of a good idea to add that logo on here. I'm hating myself for doing it, but, just remember, the TRUTH about smoking is, you've the right to damn it! Enjoy!

Where were we? Ah right. So you're pushing your cart around the shopping market, thinking, what can I buy for the minimal amount of change possible? And then it hits you! There are very few options. How sad. So, you hit up the first necessity. Ramen. Yah, it sucks, but if you boil it in beer, its better! Ahh, then you find it. Your heaven, the frozen isle.

Lets face it, you can't afford to buy steak, or chicken. Cooking is hard work. And if you're like me, then you look a nice slice of uncooked meat and you think to yourself, "that would be really good cooked, if someone would cook it for me." But- they won't. You're on your own, so why not just find something you can zap in your trusty microwave and call it good.
The problem is, you can't really call it good. Because its not. Look at the facts. Who ever cooked this meal for the first time had the strangest sense of humor in the history of the world. Can you imagine? "Hey lets make this really awful and bland food, freeze what little taste it has out of it, and then we'll SELL IT TO POOR PEOPLE! AAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

That, my friends, was the cruelest joke ever played on humanity. Way more cruel than the Buffalo Bills losing 4 SuperBowls in a row. So we go and pick out something that looks "good" - here's the real joke though, and you need to know this, because its on you. The picture on the bag... looks nothing like the finished product you get on your plate. What you end up with is something that didn't completely thaw in places, and in other places it was nuked into some form of goo that doesn't resemble anything other than cat vomit. And yet, you spent 3$ on that meal, you're out of rammen, so you eat it anyways. Later, you wish you hadn't, but that's a different story all together.

You know, look at the "snacks" you can get. Pizza rolls. First off, its not like this is a slice of pizza rolled up into a goodness that you can snack on. Oh no, no, no.. it is not a pizza, nor is it a roll. It's an anomoly of the world. It doesn't make sense. It has no rhyme or reason. Furthermore, it does not TASTE like pizza, nor does it taste like a roll. It's a nuclear hot, and filled mostly with air so warm it could melt Syberia. Then, yay, you bite in, and its filled with some form of what MIGHT be a tomato based mush, and you realize.. this is not pizza all rolled up. This guy fucked me.

Hot Pockets are the Devil.
Why are they called hot pockets? What they need to be called is pockets of scalding hot molten goo.

Seriously. You bite into it, the first thing that happens is tears well up in your eyes, your tongue melts a little bit, and the worst part of all, you actually burn the top of your mouth. Somewhere in your brain you're screaming, SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT! But your wallet speaks louder and says, These bitches are expensive. ENDURE THE PAIN! So what do you do? Like a fool, you endure the pain. This is a blessing in disguise though, for all hotpockets taste the same and it's one flavor: Bad. What is the secret blessing? Your tastebuds have been scortched into oblivion and you can no longer taste a damn thing. So, does it taste bad? hell yes it does. Do you know it? Nope, and ignorance is bliss.

Then there's the frozen asian meals. Those are fine. Why? It is because asian food tastes different no matter where you go. There are no two "chinese" resturaunts with the same flavor, and so you think to yourself, who is right here? It's same as asking what came first chicken or egg? No one know. So, is same with Asian food. All taste different. So frozen is just different from resturaunt.

Then there's the king of all frozen food.

That's right. Stouffer's. These guy's have actually put time in effort into their food so it has more than the flavor of cardboard and tomato base. And more substance than that of the consistancy of half frozen have nuclear slime.

This is our conundrum. This is the riddle. But here's the answer. Stouffer's is generally much more expensive, so it was a good day at work for you to splurge for that shit. So, it's a rare treat, to say the least.

And there you have it. Does it suck? Oh yes, but is it available to you to sustain life and your primal need for food? Yes, it will also do that. Is it affordable? Yes. Can any moron cook it? Yes. Well, maybe.

Thank you.